Forget Me Not
by LiveInDakota
Summary: Bella is left to tutor Edward when he loses his memory. Can she put behind all the memories for the boy who no longer even recognises her? Some memories are meant to overcome the sense of time, can Edward regain who he once was? **Nominated for 4 Awards**
1. Prologue

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey guys! Welcome to the first chapter of FMN! It's short, I know, think of it as a taster. This is my first attempt at E/B so I hope y'all give me a chance, this is pretty nervewracking stuff you know; sending it out into the world. I have to warn you that although there will be fluff and of course lemons this story contains a fair bit of angst. If that's not your thing then I apologize but hope you enjoy anyway.**

**So please show your appreciation for Miss Bella Swan...**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight :(**

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Chapter One: Help Needed

Bella's POV: Now

"Miss Swan?" I looked up at the calling of my name to see Mrs Cope smiling warmly at me. "Principal Greene will see you now." I put away my advanced math book that I had been quietly working on while I waited, and nodded at her in thanks before making my way through to the principal's office.

Forks High School wasn't a big place, but the principal had always tried to make his office look like it belonged in an Ivy League School in New York. Why was it that everything I thought about took me back to New York? I had been trying to teach myself not to think about New York at all because I knew I never got anything done.

Principal Greene smiled warmly at me and gestured to the coffee coloured, leather armchair facing his desk, asking me silently to take a seat.

It always made me laugh when someone mentioned how nervous he or she was when he called them in, but then I had only ever been in his company when I was being awarded something for my "academic excellence" within the school. Honestly, I wasn't bragging, that was the only reason he had ever wanted to see me in the past.

I had always been a quiet person; I had a couple of girlfriends that I could talk to and a best friend who practically lived with me, but mostly I spent my time in the house or studying in the park. That was probably why I was ahead of all the other kids in my classes.

The only person I had ever gottenreally close to was a boy I met on vacation in New York last summer. In less than two months, he became my best friend, and more. I smiled at the memories before I got to the end of the reel; there had been no happy ending. I noticed Principal Greene had asked m something and I had completely missed it. I saw the look on his face that I had seen so many times before. Many of the people at school thought that Bella Swan was a little weird.

"Miss Swan? Did you even listen to what I said?" His tone told me what he was thinking; that I thought I was too good to evenlisten to him.

When you keep to yourself, you notice a lot more about people than anyone else ever would. Since I hadn't heard him, he thought I wasn't listening to him because I thought I was too good for him. Depending on what he had said, he could have been right, but I decided to play polite and ignorant to his thought process.

"I'm sorry, can you repeat the question? I zoned out a little there." I smiled sweetly at him, noticing the small shake of his head. He was irritated and wanted me out of his hair.

"I said, we have a new student joining us tomorrow and I would like you to tutor him. He is in four of your classes and his father assures me he won't need tutoring in his other three. While you'll be taking Calculus, he is re-taking Algebra, but I'm sure you can work something out between you.

He has had some issues to deal with in the past few months and has fallen behind on his work. I have been assured he is a smart young man and I promise he won't give you any trouble." Principal Greene looked at me expectantly as I groaned inwardly. The last thing I wanted just after the Christmas break was someone to babysit , but of course I wasn't going to say that aloud.

I told him it would be my pleasure, smiled sweetly and left quietly, as I knew he expected. Mrs Cope waved at me politely as I exited their office and I stepped out into the quiet, deserted corridor.

Knowing that if I went back to Biology I would be doing the same experiment for the third time as no one else in the class could get it right, I decided to head home. Finished for the day, I gathered the books I would need from my locker and headed out to the parking lot.

There were plenty of empty spaces, as most of the students lived within walking distance of the school, and it was easy to spot my red truck from the door. It had been a present from my dad for doing well in my last batch of exams and it suited me just fine.

It was old, very old, but I liked to think of it as retro. The red paint had been peeling off in places above the wheels, but when I had the treads replaced by Rosalie, she had offered to re-paint it for me too.

We weren't best friends or anything, but I respected her, and she was friendly enough that, if I had a problem,I knew she'd help me out. Plus, she had always gotten on well with my mom.

Rosalie Hale was every guy's dream at our school. She was tall and thin, with the longest, shiniest blonde hair you have ever seen. The one thing that made her even more appealing was the fact that she wasn't a "blonde", having an impressive set of results through school. Oh, and throw in the fact that she was an ace mechanic, you have their lust in a box.

She was a senior at Forks High, two years older than me, and had babysat me and my best friend Jasper Whitlock when we were younger. She had always been kind, had a smile for every situation and the patience of a saint. Thinking of Jasper, I dug my phone out from my jeans pocket and sent him a text to tell him I was heading home.

Jasper was, and always had been, the most laidback person I had ever met. Any more laidback and he would be horizontal. We had grown up together, ashis parents had bought the house next to ours on the road outside Forks, when we were three. We weren't joined at the hip but, more so than Rosalie, Jasper _was _there for me whenever I needed him and vice-versa.

There was something completely different about being friends with a girl and friends with a boy. I loved him to death but I knew for sure that I would never be _in love _with him. He just got me is all.

I hoisted myself up into my truck, turned the ignition and sighed when it rumbled to life. It had been much louder before I had taken it to Rosalie but even still, it grabbed the attention of anyone in its vicinity.

As I rumbled my way home, I shallowly thought of the boy I would be in charge of (in a manner of speaking) beginning tomorrow. Tutoring someone was a big deal, but tutoring someone in four different classes was on a completely new level, even for me, and I found myself getting nervous at the prospect. I hoped and prayed above everything else that we would like each other; it would be a disaster from the start if we didn't get along even a little bit.

When I pulled up in front of the house, I was surprised to see that my dad was home, and that there was a slick, black Mercedes parked on the road behind his SUV. I knew my mom wouldn't be home from the junior school yet, where she worked as an English teacher so I grabbed my stuff and headed into the house to investigate. Ironic, as my dad was a Private Investigator. You wouldn't believe what information people in our area wouldpay to find out.

I set my bag down beside the stairs to take up to my room and rounded the corner into the living room where the sounds of the news filtered from our new TV.

"Hey dad!" Even though we had company, a young man sitting on the sofa reading my dad's soccer magazine, I padded over to where my dad was perched in his arm chair and pecked him on the cheek.

"Hey Bells, how was school?" He set his beer down on the table and pressed the mute button. I wasn't quite sure what to do with the new Charlie, but in the past few months he had been trying harder and harder at communicating with me, at my mom's request.

"Oh you know, saving the world one equation at a time." Hechuckled and I suddenly realisedI was being rude and that our visitor's attention was on me. "The Principal called me into his office today." I tossed the comment over my shoulder as I turned to greet our mystery guest.

My evaluation, albeit from the back, had been way off. The man who stood and shook my hand wasn't as young as I hadthought. His hair was blond through and through and his smile was dazzling as he introduced himself.

"Carlisle Cullen," I blushed as he shook my hand and I cursed myself for letting him have such an effect on me.

"Bells, this is our new Chief of Surgery. He's just moved his family here," my dad informed me on his way to the kitchen.

"Oh, the poor things!" I slapped my hand to my mouth at what I had just said and blushed even harder, but the surgeon before me just chuckled warmly. "I'm so sorry, that was so rude." He smiled even wider and I felt myself calming down. If his smile could do that to me, I couldn't imagine what his bedside manner would be like.

"Don't be. I was a little worried what the move would do to them." I couldn't help it when my eyebrows knitted together in confusion and Carlisle noticed. He was too young to have a family over the age of toddler,surely.

"My youngest, Alice, is the same age as you. 16?" I nodded at his inquiry and felt my jaw go slack which, in turn, made him chuckle again. "Edward and Emmett are 17 and 18, so it won't be long until they're fleeing the nest anyway, so-to-speak." My heart thudded awkwardly at the mention of his son's name. Not a popular name in today's society but I chastised myself for even thinking it would be the same person.

"Bells what were you saying about the Principal? There isn't any trouble at school is there?" My dad made his way back into the living room with an iced tea in his hand and handed it to me before sitting back down and I did the same, feeling awkward being the only one standing.

"Oh, he wants me to tutor a new student. Said he was starting tomorrow and doing all the same classes as me and was a little behind. Said he had issues that held him back but he assured me I wouldn't have any problems with him." Myhead whipped around as Carlisle chuckled from beside me and I raised my eyebrow in question.

"I think he may have been referring to my son. Edward is a little behind but was always a straight A student in the past. You have permission to come straight to me if he gives you any grief." He chuckled again and looked up at me, locking eyes with me at the same time.

I gasped at the familiarity I found there. His eyes were a piercing blue-y green that looked straight into me. They weren't the colour I knew, but I would swear a thousand times over that they were familiar. Eyes that I knew could read every emotion I was feeling in seconds. Eyes that smouldered and made me weak in the knees. Eyes that held every emotion that you could ever find in a person. Yet they weren't the same eyes.

"Edward?" My voice cracked and raised a level and I saw something like recognition pass over Carlisle's features before he composed himself.

"Yes, Edward Cullen, our youngest son." I rolled the name around in my head, knowing it sounded wrong. Once again I took in Carlisle's features and felt my face fall and my heart rate even out again as I talked sense in to myself.

There was nothing familiar about the man sitting before me, even if his eyes did remind me of him. Just because his son's name was Edward, didn't mean it was the same person. The Edward I knew was Edward Masen. It took me several moments to bring myself back to the present and realise that Carlisle was, in fact, waiting for an answer.

"Oh, okay. Well,I hope I do it justice." I blushed again knowing that he was wondering why I was scrutinising him so closely and I looked away, picking up my iced tea for want of something to do with my hands.

"Your dad speaks highly of you Isabella. I'm sure you won't disappoint." I nodded in thanks and after a couple more minutes of chat with my dad, left the room.

Picking up my bag from the bottom of the stairs, I decided that there was something off with me. For the second time in one day I sent Jasper a text. This time letting him know that I wasn't going to be meeting him in our usual place, citing more homework than usual as my excuse.

Most nights we would hang out in the trees between our houses. There was a little clearing that we had made our own when we were about six, with tree trunks as benches and a swing to keep us entertained. I would sit with my books open and Jasper would sit with either his guitar or a joint. I didn't smoke, but I couldn't tell him what he should and shouldn't do, and really, it didn't bother me that much. We talked for hours whether he was high or not, and I enjoyed it just the same.

Later that night I crawled into bed, distracted from my homework by the one and only thing I knew could distract me. Edward Masen. I wondered what the next day would bring, and if this Edward was anything like my Edward.

It was safe to say that my dreams that night centred solely on my knight in shining armour, with the emerald green eyes and the heartbreaking smile that, in the words of Taylor Swift, was the only one who had enough of me to break my heart.

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**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

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	2. Leaving On A Jet Plane

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**So here we have it! Chapter two and if y'all are waiting around for some lemons...dun dun duh... you can look no further! We are back in summer of last year, just to give y'all a little taster of what our Bella has to think back on...yum!**

**Please don't forget to review and tell me how y'all are thinking, love to hear it all :)**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight...we just play around with it :P**

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**Chapter Two: Leaving On A Jet Plane!**

Bella's POV: Then: Summer 2009

_I had tried hard all morning to not let my emotions show. I didn't want to appear as the immature one, or the weak one, whether I knew Edward would think those things or not. But as I stood watching him quietly pack away my things, I couldn't stop the tear that spilled over from my eye and tracked its way down my pale cheek._

_I batted my eyelids furiously trying to keep them at bay, turning to watch the world go by outside the window. New York was a magical place, I knew that now. All the things I never knew I wanted or needed, came to me in New York and there I was, about to leave it all behind. Leave him behind and there was nothing I could do about it. He belonged in New York with his family for the remainder of his summer, and then he would move back to Chicago and go back to his life there. Me? I belonged on the other side of the country in little rainy Forks with Charlie and Renee in our little white house._

_A familiar set of strong arms slid their way round me and rested gently on top of mine, folded over my chest, trying to keep the emotions in. I sighed quietly as Edward set his head against the side of mine, breathing gently and causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end in pleasure._

_My tears were running steadily and they splashed down onto Edward's bare arms. In an act so fast I barely noticed, he had me turned around to face him and his hands were cupping my face in an embrace so gentle that I felt my lip tremble._

_"Bella, please, please don't cry. I can't see you upset, you have no idea what it does to me." His sweet words and caring tone brought back the feeling I had more often than not that he couldn't be real._

_He wiped away my tears with the pads of his thumbs and held my gaze until I could no longer take it. With more strength than I knew I had, I pulled away and turned to look out the apartment windows again, feeling Edward's arms fall to his sides as I pulled out of his grasp._

_"Bella, please don't do this." His voice was a broken whisper as I heard him sit back on his bed. I turned to see him with his head in his hands, staring at the floor and my heart broke a little at the sight of him._

_"I can't, Edward, you can't be like that when I need to leave in less than two hours." My own voice broke and he looked up to interrupt, but I held my hand out, determined to finish. "I need to leave Edward, leave! And probably never come back, you're just making it harder." The tears started afresh as I slid myself down his wall of windows into a heap on the floor, not caring what I looked like any longer._

_"Fuck, Bella, what should I do then? Just shut down and ignore you? Pretend like it didn't happen?" I winced at the first time I had ever heard Edward raise his voice, it was still laced with honey tones, but it was harsher and loud and directed straight at me. "Answer me Bella. What is it you want?" His voice softened somewhat but it still had an edge to it._

_My bottom lip trembled again as I released it from the vice like grip of my teeth, "I want to stay. I want to be here with you, stay with you." I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath to try and calm myself, ashamed at what I had just admitted. I had always wondered when he would suddenly realise I was too young for him, that he was better than me._

_"Bella, look at me," He was closer now, sitting on the carpet facing me when I opened my eyes but I couldn't hold his gaze. I didn't want to see the rejection as well as hear it. "Please, Bella?" Seemingly without thought my eyes opened again and locked onto his, immediately getting lost in the green pools that had somewhat darkened since earlier in the morning._

_He took one of my hands that I had been wringing together and started rubbing circles into my palm like he had done so many times before. "Can we talk about this?" I shook my head from side-to-side, beginning to feel the effects of his calming presence._

_He spoke anyway, "I've been thinking about it for a while now, but I didn't say anything because I know it's selfish, but Bella, please listen to me." Edward pleading was a difficult thing to hear so I sucked in a breath and looked back at him. "I want you to stay, so badly, that it hurts so fucking much to even think of it." His eyes hardened as if to emphasise his point, causing me to let all the air out of my lungs in one gasp._

_"The only reason I look okay over here is because I needed to be strong for you. You have no idea how much this is killing me. The thought of never seeing you again, fuck." I had always loved the way he swore so often, something about it made him seem even sexier. "I decided that I wouldn't have to be away from you." My eyebrows knitted together in confusion, finding hope in his eyes as they glinted with a little happiness._

_"NYU has amazing creative writing and English literature courses, Bells, you could come out here next year to study. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met and your writing is unbelievable, you'd get in a heartbeat. I wouldn't be at the same University but at least we'd be in the same city, or you could even come just as far as Chicago and I could stay at home..." My eyes widened at the realisation that he had thought it through so meticulously._

_"Or...if you can't move away from home, which I understand, then I can do my degree at Washington. I can become a doctor anywhere, Bells, I just need to be near you." Before he had even taken another breath, I launched myself at him, tears still streaming down my face, and crushed my lips to his._

_His arms tightened around me instantly lifting me so I could straddle him properly. With his back against the bed we fit together perfectly, my body moulding into his in such a familiar way. His hands found their way into the hair at the back of my head and he held me close, surrounding me in him. His body, his unique Edward scent, all woody and minty at the same time, overtaking all my senses at once, causing me to sigh into his mouth._

_Taking it as a sign, he moved his lips down to my jaw and started kissing my favourite path, the heat inside me building not so slowly as he trailed his mouth down my neck to my collarbone. I lost all coherency as he lightly bit the sensitive flesh between my neck and my shoulder, firing the moan that I was trying to keep suppressed out into the quiet of his room and the deserted apartment._

_"Baby," he groaned and I smiled at the endearment I loved so much. His Chicago accent flowing through strongly, the heat growing more rapidly inside me. I pulled back and I didn't miss the almost pout that graced his beautiful lips as I stood up, but it soon disappeared as I held my hand out and he stood facing me._

_I took one small step forward, his arms encircling me like I knew they would, my own sliding up round the back of his neck as I pulled his lips back to mine. It was always the same, when he started kissing me I never wanted him to stop. His tongue licked my bottom lip slowly and sensually as he slowed our pace down, still asking for entry I gladly gave. I groaned inwardly, not wanting to break our contact, as his tongue found mine, his body beginning to own me without so much as a brush of his fingers down my arm._

_As his hands started rubbing circles on my back, one of them gently lifting my t-shirt up slightly with each pass, my body melted into his as if I could no longer stand on my own. I shivered in delight when his warm hand made contact with my lower back, still cold from the window, and he pulled me impossibly closer to him._

_I knew I didn't want him to stop as his hands inched their way up my skin. He pulled back from me suddenly with a fire in his eyes, the green glinting in an almost mischievous way, as he looked at me intensely. I thought he was asking me the one question I couldn't voice out loud so I nodded, hoping he wouldn't miss it. I wasn't wrong when I saw his eyes darken considerably more and yelped in surprise when he yanked me back to him, his chuckle warming me from the inside out._

_His hands continued their path, very obviously this time, taking my top with them as he pulled it over my head and let it drop to the floor. I reached out nervously to him, his intense gaze watching my every move as I brushed my fingers lightly over his stomach, my heart skipping a little as I felt the prominent muscles there clench under my touch._

_I trailed them lightly downwards until I got to the top of his jeans where my hands started to tremble. Ignoring the overwhelming nerves that had well and truly kicked in, I hooked my fingers under his dark grey tee-shirt and scraped my nails gently over his skin. It wasn't the first time I had touched him, but there was something altogether new about how we were both feeling._

_As he hissed at the contact, I got a little braver. Clenching his top in my hands, I lifted it torturous and slow, up over his perfect abs and chest and yanked it gently over his head. My eyes drank him in, my heart rate racing at the colour of his skin, the light hair leading downwards in the middle of his chest, the ridges and planes in his muscles that I couldn't help but run my fingers down continuously._

_His hands came up to the tops of my arms gently as I continued my exploration of his body, brushing my hair back over my shoulders and pulling me closer to him. Nuzzling his face in the crook of my neck, he started raining kisses across my shoulders and slowly started working his way down to the top of my bra. I gasped as he bit the tender flesh there lightly and he pulled back once again with a smirk on his face._

_I yelped playfully again as he spun me around, pushing me onto his bed but grabbing me before I hit the mattress, bringing his body down flush against mine with a wide smile on his face._

_His kisses soon turned more urgent as he made his way back down from my mouth, across my chest and down onto the flesh above the line of my bra. His hand swept up and in one swift move he unclasped my bra from the front and started pushing it over my shoulders._

_The second I was back lying on the bed, his mouth descended down onto my sensitive peaks and I moaned loudly, pushing my chest up, wanting nothing but more contact from the boy above me._

_I had never been so exposed in front of Edward before and as his mouth moved across to my other nipple my thoughts came back to me, causing me to feel increasingly more nervous in his company, his shirtless company. I was running my hands up and down his back, feeling the muscles flex and contract under my touch and I was sure there was nothing sexier. Edward was sexy in every possible way and I was soon feeling less than worthy in comparison._

_As if reading my thoughts Edward looked up at me. "You're so beautiful." His eyes shone as he brought his mouth back up to mine and placed gentle, sweet kisses on my lips._

_As he continued an assault on my mouth, he seemingly involuntarily started pushing his body down into me causing the most delicious friction. His pelvis was hitting perfectly between my legs and I could hear his breathing becoming laboured as I moaned louder with each grind._

_I reached for the button on his jeans, my hands shaking uncontrollably and Edward helped me, placing his hands over mine as I pulled the zip down. My hands trailed round his hips and down, pulling his jeans down his legs until he kicked them off himself._

_I gasped lightly as I saw the clear outline of his erection in his boxers and I bit my lip at my sudden realisation that I was as inexperienced as they came. I started to panic for no apparent reason; I knew I wanted this with Edward, no one else would mean this much to me and I knew he wouldn't laugh or be disgusted with my inexperience, but nerves were nerves and when I looked back into his eyes I noticed he was watching for my next move._

_"See what you do to me?" His voice was raspy and sexy, the words helping me more than he could ever imagine, giving me the strength back to take what I wanted._

_I pressed my hand against him, causing him to moan throatily. I explored this new part of him, eager to know the exact shape and size, what made him feel good and what didn't. I was the most willing student as I started to rub lightly and grasp at him through the fabric._

_"Uhh, Bella..." His eyes were glazed over with what I thought was pure lust, having only seen it on him a few times before and I felt my face and neck flush at the sounds he was making because of me. "I want you so badly, are you sure about this?" His question sounded like a complete contradiction with the tone of voice he used and I smirked at him, knowing that he meant it but wanted to make sure I was ready too._

_When I nodded my head, he closed his eyes, leaning back into me, taking my right nipple into his hot mouth once again. He teased and licked and sucked at all the right times until I was writhing uncontrollably on the bed, only stilling slightly when I felt his hands pick at the button on my jeans._

_My heart rate increased again when his hands brushed down the outside of my legs, peeling the material off me and I moaned lightly when he trailed them back up the insides of my thighs, pushing my legs apart as he went._

_When my legs started to tremble, finally catching up with the rest of my body, Edward's hand stilled over my skin and he looked back to me._

_"It's just you and me, there's no pressure." He trailed the backs of his fingers in slow circles on my right thigh and I closed my eyes briefly, letting the comfort and feeling soak through. Taking several deep, calming breaths I opened my eyes again and nodded to Edward that I was okay._

_"I want this. You, Edward, I want you." His mouth was on mine before I'd finished speaking mumbling something that sounded like "You have no idea," against my mouth, but it was drowned out by my groan as his lips crushed mine and picked up a sense of desperation._

_His hand with soft fingers, expertly trained in piano, played me perfectly, slipping down to the only piece of clothing I was still wearing. I mirrored his kiss with every drop of the hunger he was pouring into it as he pressed himself into me. "You belong to me, no one else, Swan, do you hear me?" His voice had a demanding tone to it, which caused the spring in my stomach to coil even tighter. I only nodded as I watched, fascinated as he worked his boxers down his legs and onto the floor._

_I whimpered, not able to control anything any longer as his arousal pressed into my cotton panties and the heat transferred through and I blushed as I felt my dampness seep through onto him. He rocked against me slowly and deliberately, teasing me with his long, hard erection._

_Arching my back into him and grabbing the hair at the base of his skull, he answered my silent plea, slipping his fingers under the waistband of my panties and pulling them slowly down. When he managed to get them as far as my ankles with me not letting him go, I kicked them off to join the pile of clothing on his carpet._

_Torturously he drew his fingers in circles lower over my pelvis, my muscles clenching in anticipation until the tips of his fingers found my clit and I squealed in pleasure. His fingers coated themselves in the juices that were dripping from me and he began probing, circling and rubbing in every spot imaginable._

_When I was about to beg him for more, not thinking too much of it, he finally slid his fingers into me with a loud groan. My nails dug into the muscles in his back more desperately as he worked me professionally, his lips raining kisses down on me, the frequent groans coming from the way I dragged my nails down his back in pleasure._

_My body froze before I exploded, emotions and feelings I had never felt before, leaving and suddenly returning to my body in the most pleasurable experience. Edward stilled his movements and I watched his chest move up and down with his laboured breathing before he lifted his hand to his mouth and licked his own fingers._

_His expression was what did me in. Clenching my thighs together, I sighed at the sex god that was hovering above me. Before I could come down from my high though he was shifting himself and I suddenly felt him pressing delicately against my entrance, causing me to suck in a ragged breath._

_Once again words weren't needed and I nodded at him as he lowered his head to my ear. I bent my knees, simply thinking he might be more comfortable that way and tensed as he slid into me slightly. Edward groaned, the sound vibrating through his chest and onto mine which was pressed hard against his body._

_"Bella, you need to relax. Please relax." His words were barely a whisper and his breath blew out over the shell of my ear, my body immediately losing its tense posture._

_He slid into my, inch by inch, his amazing size stretching me to the point of pain and I had to clench my eyes and teeth to stop from whimpering at the discomfort. Thinking that if I moved it would help, I lifted my body off the bed slightly, aligning with Edward's as he held himself above me and once again he slid in further, this time until there was nowhere else to go and this time I did whimper._

_"I'm so sorry baby, I'd take it away if I could." I noticed Edward's arms were beginning to shake from the exertion of holding himself still for so long, and he was practically panting against my neck._

_He started to move his hips slowly in a slow circle, the tension beginning to gradually leave my body as it all started to become pleasurable again. My fingers toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck. Pulling it slightly I brought his head up to where I could kiss him again, never having enough of him. There would never be enough of him._

_I brought back our urgency from before and it wasn't long before Edward got the message, his body moving in a natural rhythm that he didn't seem to need to think about._

_He sank down onto his elbows, waggling his fingers as if trying to get some feeling back into them as he slid out of me nearly completely before pushing himself back in as far as he could go._

_The feelings building up inside of me weren't all new. I knew what one of them was, but as Edward found a glorious rhythm the feeling intensified to the point where I thought it might burst out of me._

_I was well and truly in trouble. I loved him and there was nothing I could do about it. His strokes became shorter and harder as his breathing doubled to a dangerous level. He pressed his forehead to mine, his mint breath cascading over my flushed face, causing me to shiver as it met with the beads of sweat accumulating on my skin._

_Moving himself over onto one arm his right fingers found my clit again, still sensitive from before and I clenched hard as he pressed gently. By the time my second orgasm waved over me, ten times more intense than the first, I was begging and chanting his name over and over, my voice mixing in with his continuous groans and grunts, making him even sexier than before._

_When he felt the muscles start to clench around him he drove himself into me harder than ever before and we both moaned loudly as we came apart together. As we both rode out our high, Edward peppered my face with gentle kisses and soon he collapsed beside me, sliding out of me gently._

_Turning to face him, I trailed my fingers up and down his arm and he responded by gathering me to him in an act so desperate that it brought tears to my eyes._

_"That was...wasn't it?" I wasn't quite sure what I was asking him but his arms tightened around me before he pulled back to look at me, flushed and breathing hard, exactly the same as me._

_"Fuck, Bella, that was, I can't even describe that, I just..." I giggled at seeing Edward at a loss for words for the first time since we had met. "I'm sorry I hurt you," he said, his eyes turning serious and his whole demeanour changing in seconds._

_"I'm glad it was you, I...thank you, Edward." His lips twisted up into my favourite crooked grin before his lips descended on mine once again._

_"Edward, we need to get up." I finally found some sense and coherency after about twenty minutes of kissing._

_Not an hour later we were both showered and changed, the sheets were off the bed and my bag was sitting ready at the front door. Edward was holding me, assuring me that everything was going to be okay, chanting it in such a way that I thought he was trying to convince himself as well as me._

_He held my hand all the way to the taxi, when I shut the door I put the window down immediately and smiled a watery smile when he bent down to kiss me again through the window. When the taxi driver coughed to gain our attention Edward just laughed before slipping me a piece of paper._

_"Please don't read it just now, it's good material for the flight, I promise." I nodded my head, trusting him with anything and choking back the sob as the taxi lurched forward away from his apartment complex._

_He was standing on the street in the summer rain, with his hands in his pockets, watching me drive away from him. I kept my eyes on him until he was out of sight and then kept my eyes on the spot he had disappeared from, finally letting the tears fall when the cab driver turned the corner and sped on towards the airport where my parents where waiting on me._

_I had just experienced my heart breaking, but I smiled as my phone buzzed._

_**Don't forget me, I will find you soon. E x**_

_I was the writer and I couldn't have written it better myself. I took out my notebook and stored it in beside all the wonderful things Edward had said over the months and tucked his letter in beside it._

_I wished all the way to the airport that I was walking, simply that if I was out in the rain it would help wash away my tears. The driver kept looking at me as if I was about to break down. I was, but he didn't need to deal with that. Plus, I had to clean myself up so as to avoid any questions from my parents. They thought I had been at the library one last time. Yes I had lied. They didn't know about Edward. No-one did. And no-one knew about me. It was the way things had been and the way they would stay._

_

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_

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Sooooo...the lemon...what do we think? Hate it? Love it? Confused? Frustrated? Annoyed? Let me know :) I love to hear from you guys :) **

**See you in the next installment :) Where we may or may not be meeting Edward...**

**xx**


	3. Edward Returns

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey again!! As the title suggests we have the emergence of Edward in this chapter! Same Edward I hear you ask? Read and find out! Y'all also have a snapshot into how our Bella met young Edward during her holiday in New York last summer. But be warned this chap is far from sunshine and roses.**

**I have to say, as the majority of my readers are American or Canadian that I am taking that into account, you've probably seen a scattering of "moms" but I am British so I apologize that they are there and everything else is "wrong". Well to you anyway :) I am using my English and I'm sticking with it :)**

**And seriously guys? No reviews? There are plenty of you...yet only my two buds shared the love...I'm a little disappointed in y'all :(**

**Remember...criticism is love...if that's all I'm gonna get :P Please???? **

**Enjoy! As per I don't own anything Twilight...it's all Stephanie's :)**

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**Bella's POV**

**Now**

I awoke on Tuesday morning feeling pissed and lonely. My dream hadn't even really been a dream. I could just hear them at school. "Swan can't even dream properly". It had been a memory from start to finish and I hadn't asked for it. Creeping up on me when I have no choice but to watch, almost like an intervention. Or pure torture. I decided on the latter.

I was pissed because I had only spoken to Edward once since then. He called me a week later, promising to keep in touch, asking if I had read his letter. Honestly I had told him that I couldn't have read it on the flight because my mom would have asked too many questions and since I had been busy getting back into things. He hadn't sounded very happy about it but I had promised to read it. I had.

That was why I was lonely. His letter was more sweet, heartbreaking things, straight from his heart and I had believed them all. Now? I hadn't heard from him in five months. And I was back to pissed. I had e-mailed him with no reply. I had text him countless times, knowing he was never without his phone. No reply. I had called his mobile. I had called the apartment in New York before they were due to leave and it went straight to voicemail. I was out of options.

Renee and Charlie knew there was something wrong, they just didn't know what. I could hardly tell my parents I was heartbroken because the boy I lost my virginity to, no longer wanted anything to do with me. They didn't know he existed.

My mom had suspected something while we had been in New York. Her daughter had never gone out so many times before, but I managed to talk her into believing that I wanted to make the most of being in such an amazing city as I probably wouldn't be again. I had even told her on the flight home that I had checked out NYU. She was so happy about it that we checked it out together online when we got home. Things had been going well. Until Edward dropped off the face of the earth. I stopped seeing Jasper and Angela, the girl from school I was closest to. I stopped going to the park on my own, choosing to study in my room. I only went downstairs for meals or to leave. When I went back to school I concentrated on only my studying.

When I started losing weight my mom took me to the doctor, who pegged it down to stress and teenage hormones. If only they knew. My parents started walking on egg shells around me. When Renee mentioned NYU and if I was still interested in it I flew off the handle at her. I think I may have even broken my cereal bowl in the sink that morning. Needless to say she hadn't brought it up since.

If I had stayed in my room for too long she would come in, hug me tightly and tell me it would all pass. She thought it was a phase. She was trying to be there for me and she didn't know what she was being there for. That was why she had urged Charlie to communicate more. They were trying and I loved them. They just weren't what I needed.

I dragged myself out of bed, noticing without surprise that it was grey and raining outside. The sound of it hitting the window being the reason I was getting up far too early. I slumped down the stairs and into the kitchen where Charlie was standing over the stove scrambling some eggs.

"Morning Bells, you're up early?" He put the eggs on a plate and set it down on the table in front of me before making some more.

I looked up at the clock on the wall, noticing he was right. It was only half five. I ate quietly, ignoring the looks I was receiving from the other side of the table. When I was finished I stood up to rinse my plate before sticking it in the dishwasher, stacked my glass at the side of the sink and left the kitchen without another word, hearing Charlie's sigh as I did so.

While I was in the shower I heard my mom getting up, talking animatedly in the kitchen with Charlie, him leaving for whatever job he was on, the SUV purring quietly from the front yard and setting off down the street passed Jasper's.

I went straight to my room, not wanting the same situation with my mom, shutting the door behind me to get ready for school. I thought about Jessica and Lauren and their group of minions as I decided on what to wear. They were always dressed in the shortest skirts and highest heels and I just didn't get why. Jessica had always been pretty, in a natural, flawless skin way but since she had joined ranks with "Top Bitch" Lauren, she was caked in make-up and dressed like a slut. Not to mention that she acted like a complete bitch too, conveniently forgetting that we used to be friends.

But then I thought of Rosalie. She was gorgeous, in her senior year and obviously in her element. She looked beautiful everyday but she didn't look like she was trying too hard. I sighed as I realised I would never pull off her confidence or her look and settled on the usual; dark skinny jeans, ballet pumps and a deep blue, v-neck blouse. Not wanting to make an effort I threw my hair up in a messy bun and decided to forego the make-up.

I was ready with too much time to spare. This was my mistake. I was going to have to spend time with my mom before we both had to leave. She was hanging up on the phone when I descended the stairs, looking to me with a smile. It didn't escape my notice that when she looked me up and down her eyebrow arched just a little. Okay so maybe I had made a little more effort than usual.

"Sweetie that was the Principal. He asked if you could go in a little earlier today to meet the new student?" I had forgotten to tell her last night when she returned home and Charlie had clearly not mentioned it.

"Yeah he asked me yesterday if I would tutor him, extra credits and all that," I shrugged indifferently and internally rolled my eyes as hers lit up at the fact that it was a boy. Typical. "So yeah, I'm just going to head out now. Have a good day at work," her face fell when she realised I was avoiding her but I couldn't have cared less. I did not want a mother-daughter talk about anything.

The ice from the night before had melted with the rain that was still falling so my ride to school was easier than I imagined it to be. As I pulled into the parking lot it was still fairly empty, only teacher cars scattered round the edge. The Principal was parked in his reserved spot and I pulled up opposite it.

As I jumped down onto the wet road, I looked around. There was one new car in the lot, easy to spot as there were only three including mine that belonged to pupils. A gleaming silver Volvo, under the shade of one of the trees. Sparkling and almost new. New student, new car in the lot. Coincidence?

It was strange being in the school corridors with no-one else around. The place was hollow and eerily quiet. Bypassing my locker I headed straight to the Principal's office with my backpack still over my shoulder. Mrs Cope was sipping on a steaming mug of coffee as I approached and she put it down with a smile.

"Go straight in Bella, they are already in having a chat," I had always like Mrs Cope, friendly and warm and always ready with a smile.

When I entered the Principal's office, there was a boy sitting in the seat I occupied yesterday with a mane of coppery brown hair atop his head. _Edward. _Even from the back I knew. Alarm bells started ringing as I stood silently against the door.

The Principal looked up at me with a nod of his head, "Ah miss Swan, I'd like you to meet Edward Cullen, our newest addition," he stood at the same time as Edward and waved his hand in his direction.

My eyes were fixed on Edward's back and my heart stopped completely when he turned and fixed his gleaming green eyes on mine.

"Edward?" His brow furrowed slightly before he nodded his head and turned back to the Principal.

With my heart hammering in my chest and my palms starting to sweat, I sat when the Principal asked me to, keeping my eyes forward.

"Mr Cullen, Miss Swan, I would like you to get better acquainted. Bella I would like you to start on whatever timetable you have set up as quickly as possible. Edward is already a year behind and I would like him to pass this year, no pressure," he chuckled wryly and I turned to Edward with questions in my eyes.

"Behind a year? You mean you're not a senior this year?" My voice wavered in confusion and Edward just looked at me as if he had just scraped me off the bottom of his shoe.

"Trust me if I had a choice I wouldn't be here at all," I winced at the tone of his voice and jumped in surprise as the bell rang for first class.

Edward stood and without another word left the Principal's office, and me, behind. I picked up my bag and hurried after him, not knowing what I was going to say. It was Biology first, Edward was in my class, so when I entered out into the busy corridor and couldn't find him I headed in that direction. He was just heading into the empty class when I caught up with him.

"Edward wait!" He turned slowly and looked at me the same way again. He raised his hands as if to ask what I wanted. "Edward why are you a year behind?" His eyes narrowed and I felt cold wash up my spine.

"What's it to you?" I opened my mouth but nothing came out but a whoosh of air. "Listen, I know you have to tutor me but that doesn't mean we're friends or anything, I don't need to tell you anything," the tears sprung to my eyes and I cursed myself for letting him see me cry. It was obvious he didn't care so I shouldn't let him know that I did. "Shit, why are you crying?" He had the gall to look angry and I wiped at my eyes shaking my head and sitting down in my seat as everyone else started filing into the room.

"Ah you must be Mr Cullen?" Mr Banner entered the room with his briefcase and set it on his desk nodding to Edward. "Take a seat beside Bella please, and we'll get started," _Shit_. I forgot the only spare seat was beside me. No-one wanted to sit beside the freaky genius.

He threw himself down on the stool beside me and I fought the urge to look at him. I lost. He looked different than he used to. He was thinner, his jaw was more pronounced. Dusted with a five o'clock shadow. His eyes didn't sparkle the same way they used to and there were great purple bruises under them. He wasn't sleeping. His hair though, was the same as always. A mess of coppery brown, slightly wavy and everywhere. Just as I looked at it, his right hand reached up and swept through it, a sign that he was frustrated.

"Is there a reason why you're looking at me?" Ah so that's why he was frustrated, I was clearly being too obvious.

I shook my head and bit my lip, cursing myself again, as this time I blushed furiously. His eyes flew across my features, landing on my lip, before he caught himself and turned back to the front with a scowl on his face. Interesting development. My biting my lip still affected him the same way it seemed. That was a piece of information to add to the list. _Wait what list? We're mad at him remember? Murder kind of mad! He broke your heart! _

The rest of the period passed quietly. Edward copied everything down, tapped his pen incessantly in time with his foot on the stool, huffed quietly if I moved too close to him and scrubbed furiously when he made a mistake. His entire demeanour was stiff and tense and all I wanted was to take it away. Even if he was acting like an asshole.

When the bell rang he turned to me as he packed away his things, "So how are we doing this?" My mind went straight back to that morning when I left, causing me to blush again.

"W-what?" He huffed again, throwing his books into his bag with a vengeance.

"This studying. My house, your house? What?" I sighed. Of course. The studying, after all I was only his tutor.

"Not mine, my mum has a book club meeting today. Is it okay if I come round to yours?" I held my breath as his eyes came back to me, softer this time, as if I had said something groundbreaking.

"Yeah, I'll get you in the parking lot when we finish, you can follow me out there," that was all I was getting as he turned his back on me and stalked out of the class, followed by all the whispers of the girls. I even heard Jessica asking Lauren why he had been talking to me, "I mean, who would waste their time," I shook my head and headed out after him, knowing that he would be in my next class too.

The rest of my day passed as slowly as a day in Forks High had ever passed for me. At lunch I sat with Jasper at our usual table, Angela decideding to join us. It turned out Edward wasn't the only new student. His little sister Alice Cullen, a short girl with pixie like hair was sitting beside him talking at a mile a minute as he stared into space. Yes I was watching him. No matter how he treated me, my heart rate still picked up when I saw him.

On his other side was the biggest senior I had ever seen. Emmett Cullen was taller than Edward, bulkier than Edward and looked nothing like him. He did however resemble Alice a little more. Although he was so huge he looked incredibly friendly. He smiled a lot, had a boisterous laugh that filled the cafeteria and cute little dimples that didn't match the rest of him at all.

Jasper filled me in on all the details he had found out during the course of his day. I acted like he was doing a good job, but of course I knew it all already. Emmet, the eldest was 18 while Alice was only 16, the same age as me. Jasper and Edward were the same age and all should have been in the same year as Emmet, having just not turned 18 yet. Only for whatever reason Edward was now a year behind. My brows knitted together in confusion as I finally let myself think that over. Edward was smart. Really smart, he was a prodigy when it came to playing the piano, the guitar and even art. He had told me one day that music had always helped him more but art was his true passion. Something that didn't surprise me when he showed me his notebook one night. His sketches, done with hardly any thought, were incredible.

As I thought about him he looked up, catching me staring at him and ultimately causing me to blush. Alice was looking at me too, but with a look of sympathy as if she somehow knew what I was going through. Could it be possible that Edward had told his little sister about me? He had mentioned that although she drove him round the bend they were very close.

"Bella?" I snapped my head round and noticed Jasper was asking me a question. "I asked if you wanted to come round tonight, my mom is throwing a party," I nodded before I realised I was busy already.

"Oh what time?" I could feel Edward's eyes on me but I refrained from looking in his direction.

"Probably not until eight or so why?" I debated telling him the truth, but I remembered that when it came to Jasper I couldn't lie. He knew all about my summer last year and Edward but he it was unlikely he woul put the pieces together. After all, like me, he thought Edward's surname was Masen. _He had lied to me._

"I have to tutor Edward Cullen for a while, the Principal asked me yesterday," Jasper's eyes widened a bit before he nodded and smiled.

"You are the resident geek after all," all three of us laughed before Angela spoke up.

"I don't know how you can, he's just too gorgeous. I would lose the ability to think around him," she looked in his direction before turning back to me and winking.

I smiled and avoided the rest of the conversation, much like I did for the rest of the day. With only one class after lunch, Spanish, I headed down the corridor when the finishing bell went, knowing full well Edward was walking along behind me.

Without looking at him I headed straight to my truck and jumped in, starting the engine to drown out any thoughts. I watched him sulk towards his Volvo, get in and slam the door. Clearly his tension hadn't evaporated. Maybe he was having a bad day. _Why do we care if he had a bad day? He's been an asshole all day._

When he reversed out of his space, I followed him out of the parking lot and onto the main road, where he sped away in front. My truck groaned in protest as I put my foot to the floor, without much happening in response.

Edward must have realised I was falling behind as he slowed at the next junction so I could catch up. We drove slowly out of town, passed my little house that was empty at that time of the day, then Jasper's that was alive with activity. His mom getting ready for whatever party she was hosting. She hosted one at least once a month.

After about ten minutes on the road out of Forks, Edward put on his signal and slowed right down. As I did the same his car seemingly disappeared into the trees, down a road I would never have noticed before.

I gasped audibly at the house that came into view at the opposite end of the long and winding road through the trees. Edward's Volvo pulled up in front of a three storey, white and clean mansion. Nestled in a clearing of tress, there were two cars not including my own parked around the circle, that would have had a massive fountain in it if I had been in a movie.

There were marble steps leading up to the double front door, lined with plants and little trees that Esme must have decorated the place with. Even from the outside, the massive house was inviting and warm and I knew without ever meeting Edward's mom that it was all down to her. He loved his mom and it had always made me smile when he spoke of her.

If this had been six months ago Edward would have opened my door for me, kissed me sweetly and held my hand as we walked into his house together. Maybe it would have been me meeting his parents. But now, he just stood beside his car and looked at me expectantly. I took a deep breath to steel my nerves, fighting back the tears once again and hopped out of my truck knowing not what to expect.

He shifted his weight from foot to foot as if he was nervous as I neared him before turning and heading into the house. Again without saying anything. I stood awkwardly in the entryway not knowing what to do or where to go watching Edward hang up his keys and throw his jacket on the chair nearest us.

"So do you ah...want anything to drink or whatever?" I smirked inwardly, wondering why he was nervous.

"A glass of water would be perfect thanks," I surprised myself with how polite I sounded so it didn't bother me that he thought the same.

"Right well, make yourself comfortable and I'll bring it through," once again he turned and walked away from me, leaving me to my own devices.

I placed my bag on the floor beside the sofa and stepped up to the wall opposite me that housed frame upon frame of family photographs. They were mostly group pictures and it didn't escape my notice that everyone of them contained Edward. All except one of Carlisle and Esme on their wedding day. I wondered why, in all our time together Edward never mentioned Carlisle's name. He spoke of his dad but never his name.

I found it odd that Edward was in all of the pictures, either with his parents or siblings, or people I didn't know. It wasn't as if there were just as many of Alice and Emmet. The unbalance struck me as strange in such a close knit family but I let it go as I heard something crash from the direction Edward had disappeared, followed by an exasperated "fuck". As I got nearer the kitchen door my attention was caught by another picture, this one taken in a place all too familiar and I felt my breath catch. It was Edward standing with his arm around Alice in his room in New York. My heart thudded awkwardly at the memories that it evoked in me.

I clearly wasn't paying attention because the next thing I knew I was simultaneously walking into something solid and warm, being soaked by freezing cold water and landing on the floor on my back.

"Fuck, why the hell don't you watch where you're going, have you got some sort of disability or something?" My face flamed in humiliation as I sat in a wet heap on the floor at Edward's feet. He only looked at me with disgust as I wrestled myself back up to my feet.

"What the hell is your problem Edward? Why are you being such an asshole? Stop pretending like none of it ever..."

"What's all this shouting about? Edward didn't mom teach you how to be a gracious host?" My almost screaming at Edward was cut in two by a melodic voice floating down the stairs, followed by none other than Alice Cullen.

Edward glared at me before turning and inflicting it on Alice, who either didn't notice or was far more used to it than I was.

"Do you know what? I've had enough of your shit today, forget this I'll find someone else to do it," I turned, picking up my bag from the side of the sofa and made to leave but I found that Alice was in front of me. I looked at her expectantly wanting her to move out of the way before I cried in front of her too.

"I'm not letting you leave like that, you'll freeze!" Before I could protest she was grabbing me by the hand and pulling me in the direction of the stairs.

"Alice," Edward's voice was full of warning and dripping with annoyance but Alice just flipped him the finger and continued up the stairs.

By the time we got to her room and she shut the door with a quiet click the tears were streaming down my cheeks. Wiping at them frantically, a tissue appeared in front of me and I looked up to see Alice standing a few feet away holding it out with a small smile.

"I'm sorry Bella," I drew in a shaky breath, taking the tissue off her and putting it to good use.

"How do you know my name?" She smirked, something so like her brother that it annoyed me.

"We need to talk..." Her face fell and suddenly she looked sad and broken, a look that sobered me up immediately and set me to panic in the same moment.

* * *

_Then:_

_I__ felt the someone sit down on the bench beside me so I looked up from my book. There was a guy, at least three years older than me, watching me with a smile on his face. He was handsome, tall and lean with blonde hair and blue eyes, but his smile put me on edge._

"_Hey beautiful, what ya reading?" I looked around, wondering why he had chosen to talk to me but everyone was milling about the gallery as usual._

"_Eh, nothing interesting," I looked away from him, hoping that if I concentrated on my book then he would get the hint and leave. Unfortunately I wasn't so lucky. He shifted himself in a move he probably thought was inconspicuous and brought himself closer to me, engulfing me in the smell of stale smoke that almost made me sick._

"_Aw come on you could at least give me some attention now that I'm over here," his head was getting closer to me and I held my breath, overwhelmed by the smell permeating the air around me._

"_Baby there you are! Sorry it took so long for me to find you, it's busy in here," my eyes snapped up at the sound of the new voice, as did the head of the guy sitting beside me._

_Standing a few feet away, smiling crookedly directly at me was one of the hottest guys I had ever seen. He was tall, really tall, and lean with the perfect amount of muscle about him. His clothes were smart and his hair was a mess, telling everyone in the vicinity that he had either just woken up or was thoroughly sexed up. Or both. I blushed when I got to his eyes and realised he was watching me for some sort of an answer._

_He inclined his head slightly and for some reason I suddenly knew what I had to do. I closed my book over, standing up and leaving it on the seat I had just vacated. Taking a couple of steps closer to him, his scent overtaking that of my creepy friend, I leaned up on my tiptoes and brushed my lips across his cheek. I heard his breath catch in his throat and I blushed. Maybe I had gone too far._

"_I was beginning to think you'd never show," I smiled warmly at him, a smile that became more genuine when his arm wound round my waist and brought me close into his side._

"_Who is this?" When I looked up at my new saviour he was looking right at the guy I had been saved from with a look akin to pure hatred in his eyes._

"_James Cavanagh," came the reply and my jaw dropped. I hadn't been expecting him to actually stay and chat. "I was just getting to know this lovely lady. You know if she was mine I wouldn't be going around leaving her alone, anything could happen," the arm around my waist tensed instantly and I put my hand on his chest to calm him down. I may or may not have let my fingers draw a line down his muscles just for fun._

"_Honey lets go. He's not worth it," I picked up my book and my bag, slinging it over my shoulder, hoping that the new guy would follow me out. I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face when his warm, large hand grasped mine as we walked away from James. I felt safe. I felt at home._

_His fingers weaved through mine more tightly as we navigated our way through one of the groups of tourists who had decided to pay a visit to the Museum of Modern Art that day and I squeezed back just to let him know I was still with him. _

_When we exited out into the city noise and summer warmth I let go of his hand reluctantly. It was too busy to be standing at the front door so he turned left and walked up the street, in the direction of fifth avenue if I wasn't mistaken. Turning to look at me I was suddenly shy again. Where had that Bella come from in there? I had never done something like that before. I slumped against the wall as I realised how badly that could have turned out, maybe my mom had been right about being out and about in a city on my own._

"_Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was concerned and he was watching me intently. I hated that expression, it was almost as bad as "We need to talk", but coming from him it didn't annoy me._

"_No, I'll be okay in a minute. Thank you for saving me," I smiled warmly at him but was confused when he furrowed his brows._

"_You should be more careful," he looked away, staring intently down the street instead, his comment irking me._

"_It's not like I asked him to creep me out!"_

"_No but you still willingly followed me out here," his eyes snapped back to me in challenge._

"_You're different," my voice lost all it's volume and I looked at the sidewalk in embarrassment._

"_What if I wasn't?"_

"_Are you trying to tell me you're dangerous?" I smirked despite myself but I didn't meet his gaze._

"_What if I am?"_

"_I wouldn't believe you. You're not anything like him, I can tell. And do you always answer a question with a question?" I finally looked up, locking eyes with him and blushing at the crooked smile gracing his features._

"_What if I do? I'm Edward by the way," I ignored his first comment, knowing he did it deliberately and smiled at his old-fashioned name. I had never met an Edward before, but somehow, even though he was young, it suited him._

"_Bella," he smiled wider, his eyes twinkling, making them stand out even more. I would never have described a boy or guy as beautiful before but looking at him in the New York sun, I couldn't come up with any other way to put it._

* * *

Alice left suddenly, disappearing back out into the hall. _Didn't she just say she needed to talk? _Before I could ponder it further she was back, shutting the door behind her once again, and holding a few hangers of clothes.

"We need to get you out of those clothes first," she nodded at my body knowingly before placing the clothes down on the bed. "Here, I think this should do," she handed me a white cotton blouse with cap sleeves and a pair of black linen trousers. When she saw my apprehension she spoke again, "Don't worry, they were packed to go to charity anyway, no-one will miss them," I doubted what she said but I smiled gratefully before I headed into the bathroom to change.

I folded my own, damp clothes neatly into a pile before puling on the new ones, thankful that I wasn't soaked through. Alice's en-suite was overflowing with bottles of everything from expensive skin products to equally as expensive hair products. I checked my reflection in her lit mirror, noting that I was nothing short of a mess. My eyes were red and my skin was blotchy from the constant crying. On top of all that I was as pale as a ghost and my hair was falling out. I took my hair out of it's grip, leaving it around my shoulders, and splashed cold water, from the tap this time, on my face to try and freshen up a bit.

I made my way back into Alice's modern room, that was the epitome of a girls room, with pinks and purples everywhere, to find her texting furiously on her phone. When she heard me entering she looked up and smiled kindly, setting her phone back on the cabinet beside her.

"Thanks for these, I'll get them back to you," she raised her hand and waved it off before I had finished and I noticed that she was looking serious again. She wandered over to her massive double bed and threw herself onto it. Grabbing a cushion and hugging it to her tiny body she patted the space opposite her. I put my folded clothes down beside my bag and hesitantly went to join Alice on the mattress.

She sighed before she spoke up, "You're _the_ Bella, aren't you?"

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**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Reviews make the world go round :)**

**Well not literally but they do rock my world**

**Oh and if you have the time head over to _I Sold My Soul On Ebay _and give it a check out :) One of the best idea's for a fanfic I've ever heard :) And the author just happens to be a very close friend :)**

**xx**


	4. Come Back When You Can

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**So this one...the big reveal...many of you will already have guessed as much, but I'll leave it to little Alice to fill in any blanks ****:) This is the longest chap I've written so far, hope I did it justice! :O**

**As per, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight...**

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Chapter Four: COME BACK WHEN YOU CAN

I've been led on  
To think that we've been  
Trying for too long.  
Every time we drift  
We're forcing what is wrong.  
At last that voice is gone.

Please take your time  
But you've got to know that  
I am taking sight.  
Oh, you look good  
with your patient face and wandering eye  
Don't hold this war inside.

Come back when you can.  
Let go, you'll understand.  
You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.  
So come back when you can.

You left your home  
You're so far from  
Everything you know  
Your big dream is  
Crashing down and out your door.  
Wake up and dream once more.

Come back when you can.  
Let go, you'll understand.  
You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.  
So come back when you can.

Come back, I'll help you stand.  
Let go and hold my hand.  
If all you wanted was me, I'd give you nothing less.  
So come back when you can

_Barcelona - Come Back When You Can_

* * *

Bella's POV : Now

_She sighed before she spoke up, "You're _the_ Bella, aren't you?"_

She certainly was direct, I could give her that much, but I wasn't quite sure how to answer her. Edward had always said he wouldn't tell his family about me, stating that he wanted to keep me all to himself. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but had he told Alice? Because right then, she seemed pretty sure she was right; I could tell by the way she was looking at me.

I opted for denial in my answer. "I don't know what you mean." I tried my hardest to look her straight in the eye, but I had never been comfortable with lying, no matter who it was.

_And yet you lied everyday when Edward asked you to. I think we've already established I'd do anything for him._

She sighed quietly. Turning to look out the window, "You can lie if you want, but I can't help you if you do. There was a reason I interrupted you downstairs." So, the interruption had been deliberate. What had I just been about to say? Something along the lines of him pretending that none of it ever happened.

"Alice, what are you talking about? You're starting to scare me."

"I'm sorry, Bella, that wasn't my intention. I love my brother. I know I shouldn't be telling anyone this, but you're _Bella._ You're the reason we came here. I need you to help me get my brother back."

My breath hitched in the back of my throat and I felt the worry seep through again.

"Alice, you're not making any sense. Yeah, I think I am _the_ Bella, I don't know how many Bella's Edward knows, so I think that's the answer to your question." She smiled at me sadly, a sort of thanks for telling her the truth. Anything to get her to start making sense, she was scaring me, which wasn't hard to do when it came to Edward. I cared too much whether I wanted to or not.

"He told me about you. Before you say anything, it wasn't technically his fault. Every time I talked to him over the summer, he sounded so much happier. But then when he came back, he was so miserable again. He wouldn't talk to anyone, he was barely eating, but the worst thing was, he stopped playing. I had to practically force it out of him. He eventually told me all about you," she said, waving her hand up and down my body, as if I was the showcase piece.

"Selfishly, I was pretty pissed that he hadn't mentioned you before, but when I heard the way he talked about you, and saw the way his eyes lit up at the mention of your name, I understood. He needed something tangible that he knew was real." I nodded as I remembered the problems he had been facing and why he wasn't happy.

"Wait, Alice, you said when he came home...Weren't you in New York with him?" I had been pretty sure that Emmett and Alice had been there with him, not that I had ever ran into either of them.

"No, he ran to New York on his own. After...well, after everything, I guess he wanted to be on his own. He called every week just to let me know he was okay. He only ever talked to me or Emmett. Didn't you ever wonder why the apartment was always empty?" Why hadn't I ever questioned that? After the first two weeks, I was nearly always in that apartment. I even cooked in that kitchen. I slept in his bed.

I shook my head. "He always just said he talked you into leaving him at home. I guess I never wondered why you were _never_ home." She looked at me with a twinkle in her eye. I had left out the fact that I was too wrapped up in Edward to notice anything about his family. I had only ever thought it was his dad he wasn't talking to. Carlisle, he wasn't talking to.

"He phoned me about ten days after you left. I'm guessing, of course, I don't actually know if that's right. He said something about you not reading his letter. He kept repeating it over and over, saying you didn't feel the same way because you'd forgotten about him already. He took it so badly. I don't even know how he knew..." I held my hand up for her to stop, walking over to grab my bag and bringing it back to the bed.

I fished around inside until I found my purse. Alice looked at me questioningly when I pulled it out, but when I found what I was looking for and held up a folded piece of white paper between us, her eyes widened in knowing.

"He called me a week after I left, and I told him I hadn't read it. I forgot about it, I was so busy, with school...I can't believe I forgot." It never left my sight, but he didn't know that. I had told him in honesty that I hadn't read it, how could he have possibly believed I was forgetting about him, leaving him behind?

"Alice, I don't want to sound insulting or anything, but is there something wrong with him? He's been acting strange all day. I mean, he's pretending like he doesn't know who I am. What kind of person does that?" The tears were back, and I knew I couldn't go long without crying again.

"He was determined to find you, Bella, he was miserable without you. No one knew what was wrong, except me, and he had sworn me to secrecy." I watched as the seemingly chipper girl sitting before me shuddered, and a tear slipped down her cheek.

"The day he got back to Chicago, I went up to his room to talk to him. I thought he was just unpacking, but when I really looked, he was packing up again. Not much, but enough for a week or two. Enough to get himself to Seattle, and then to Forks to find you. He kept chanting, "how big can it be?" He knew he'd find you once he got here." My eyes were as wide as they could be as I listened to her story.

E_dward had tried to find me? Edward _had _tried to find me. Things would have been so different if he had showed up that month. We would have been a team. Or at least I liked to think of it that way. It hurt too much to think of my own reality._

"I'm so sorry he didn't make it," she said quietly. I panicked, thinking she knew the truth, but how could she? When her shoulders shook and a sob finally broke out of her, the sight broke my heart. She was in pain, and she was apologising to me.

I folded her small body up in my arms as best I could and held her. I knew that all she needed was comfort when she was feeling that way. There were no words, I knew that from experience.

"What happened, Alice?" She sniffed loudly, trying to clear her head from the effects of crying.

"He got in the car and sped off. Mom and Dad were standing on the porch watching him. They tried to get him to stay at home, they had no idea that he was in love, and that he was going to get his girl back. It was so sweet to think of, but they had no idea, they thought he was running away again. Mom thought she had lost her son for good. So, I had to tell them. I told them the whole story, all about you, how happy he was when you were with him." The colour drained from my face as I remembered the day before.

Carlisle had known all along who I was. He understood my reaction to Edward's name. The way I had looked at him. He had sat in my home and lied to me. Had my dad known?

"It was only about three hours after he left when Mom picked up the phone. I can remember it all so clearly, the phone clattered to the floor at the same time she let out this choked sob. I had never seen her so...unresponsive. It was the fear in her eyes that scared me." I pulled away from her, wanting to look at her when she told me what had happened.

Her sad blue eyes locked with mine as she continued, "It was the hospital, his car had flipped off the road,"

"Oh my God." My eyes stung harshly as the tears welled up. My Edward. He had been hurt. Was in pain. I had had no idea. I felt sick that I had been angry at him for so long, when I should have been there for him. His words from summer suddenly rang true. _"Seeing you in pain hurts me, Bella."_

"He had a broken leg, three broken ribs, and a shattered shoulder, amongst an array of other injuries. He was in a coma for three days. We were so scared, but, then he woke up and everyone was so happy." I looked at her in question. She was telling me he was fine. Alice shook her head,

"It took us about forty minutes to realise something was wrong. He kept talking like he was sixteen, having fun with his friends, dating Tanya. It was all wrong. Bella, he forgot all of it." My eyes hardened at the mention of Tanya's name. That bitch that had broken his heart. Cheated on him with, not one, but two of his best friends. I vowed at the time he told me, that if I ever met her I would kill her. But then her next sentence hit me full on, crushing my chest as if there was a heavy weight on top of me.

"I don't exist." What little voice I had left broke completely with the remainder of my heart.

That hurt so much more than being rejected by him. In twenty minutes I had come full circle. I had started off humiliated and pissed at Edward. Then, I was sorry for Alice. Glad that he loved me like he said in his letter. Frightened for him. Guilty I hadn't been there. Then, finally broken all over again. He had no idea who I was. That was why he was pissed at me. I was just some freak who was acting altogether too weird for him.

"But you do! You're the only good thing he thought he had at the time, Bella. He was coming to get you. You made him happy! That is more important than anything," she added. She was insistent that I believe her, but I was just getting angry instead.

"Alice! Wake-up! It's not important if he doesn't know who I am!" She looked as if I had slapped her before deflating, letting all the air out of her lungs in one breath. One of her previous statements came back to me.

"Why did you move here?" Selfishly, I was wondering why they were putting me through this, but it had nothing to do with me. They were trying to get their son and brother back, but I didn't understand why Forks would be the key.

"The doctors told us it could be dangerous for Edward if we told him all that he had forgotten. They said he had to remember on his own. He was having such a hard time in Chicago that when Carlisle suggested we move, I thought, Forks! I thought that having you around him on a daily basis would help him remember. It was entirely selfish of us, Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't take into account how much seeing him again would hurt you. I've never been in love before." Her tiny hand grasped mine, and I held it tightly, knowing we both needed the connection.

"I thought he didn't want me. He broke my heart, Alice, and he doesn't even know he did it. And now? I can't even blame him, because he technically didn't do anything to break my heart. None of that even makes sense!" My voice was raised, all the pain filtering through, and it annoyed me that Alice just looked at me sympathetically.

"I know that none of us have any right to ask this of you, but you can't tell him any of it."

"What, you just want me to take the abuse and the distance? I can't have him this close to me and yet so far away, Alice. I don't want anything to do with this, I meant what I said. I'm getting someone else to help him, I can't deal with this." With my thoughts storming in my head, I grabbed my things and left Alice crying on her bed. I felt the guilt weighing on me as I descended the stairs, but I kept going. That is, until I came face-to-face with Edward.

"Get out of my way, Edward, I'm leaving." Something not too far from pain flashed across his eyes, and I couldn't fathom why before he moved out of my path for the front door.

"I'm sorry." His voice was small, but I still heard it, and I spun back to face him. "I'm...I...I know that you said you'd help me, and I am thankful. I just...fuck!" His familiarity warmed my heart. He may have forgotten who he was, but that didn't mean he had changed.

My heart thudded at the realisation that he still had all the same traits. I had somehow thought he would be different. He was still the same Edward.

"I think it'll be easier if I get Principal Greene to find you someone else, I'll let him know tomorrow." I nodded at him, looking anywhere but his eyes and reached for the door knob.

"No! I mean, you...there's something about you...I know this makes no sense to you, but you remind me of things. I don't even know. I'm sorry I was such an asshole, I guess I'm just finding this adjusting shit hard, you know?" Once again, I turned slowly on my heel to face him.

He was frustrated because he didn't even understand what he was feeling. He looked crushed. Movement at the top of the stairs caught my attention, and I noticed both Esme and Alice sitting quietly on the top step, waiting to see what would happen, acting like they had tickets to a show. I narrowed my eyes, feeling pissed off at the actions of his family.

"I accept your apology, Edward, I do, but I...I can't do it." He rightfully looked confused at my admission, and I refrained from looking up to see his mom and sister before I turned and left their house.

It might have been selfish of me, but I knew without a doubt that I couldn't spend time with my Edward and have him not even know who I was. Not remembering our summer together was something I couldn't fathom at that moment, even though I knew it wasn't his fault, it didn't make it hurt any less.

The door seemed to shut loudly behind me, despite being gentle. The sound reverberated through the clearing, bouncing off the trunks of the trees, and throwing my mistake back at me with every step that I took towards my truck. My heart got heavier as I drove away and my tears came faster with every mile I put between us.

I never would have imagined walking away from Edward willingly. I would be truly surprised if I had any feeling left what-so-ever by the end of the night. I banged my fist in frustration against the steering wheel when I remembered I had promised Jasper I'd go to his mom's party. I couldn't let him down again.

I curled my hair, making it more pronounced than its usual wavy nature, and left it down around my shoulders for the night, hoping that it helped accentuate the strapless little black dress that Rosalie had me in.

Nothing special, but I would admit that it looked quite good on me. We teamed it with a pair of three inch heeled gladiator sandals, knowing that I was getting progressively better at walking in heels, and we were ready to go. I would only be next door, I didn't need a bag.

With a quick rap on my bedroom door, Rosalie's head popped round the frame, followed quickly by the rest of her. She was wearing the most daring red dress I had ever seen. Figure hugging, hitting mid-thigh, floaty and gorgeous. As ever.

"Wow, someone's trying to make a good impression. Who's the lucky guy, Rose?" I wasn't being entirely serious, but when she blushed, my jaw hit the floor. "No way! Who is it?" She giggled nervously before she sat on the edge of my bed facing me.

"You know that new family that just moved here? The Cullens?" My stomach dropped and my hands began to shake, dreading what she was going to say next. If she had her eye on Edward, it would most probably be the end of me.

"He's just so gorgeous!" My zoning out cost me, I had no idea what brother she was talking about.

"Sorry, Rose, who are we talking about?" She looked at me strangely, and I tried my hardest to look nonchalant. How do you look nonchalant?

"Emmett, of course, what do you think?" My breath left me in an audible sigh of relief, and I knew straight away Rosalie was on to me.

"I think you can have any guy you want, you look gorgeous." She smiled kindly in response.

Pushing herself up off the bed, she came to stand behind me, where I was nervously fixing my dress for the hundredth time. If she was trying to impress Emmett, that meant they were going to be there. If Edward was anything like he used to be, then he would be too. One of his many weaknesses was a good party.

"Bells, you look gorgeous, he won't be able to keep his eyes off you." She fluffed up my hair for me from the back and spun me around by the shoulders to look at her.

"I'm not trying to catch anyone's eye Rosie, let's just concentrate on you for tonight. Emmett would be mad not to fall in love with you with one look." She winked at me and led the way out of my room and down the stairs.

My mom and dad had already left for an "early tipple" as Renee put it, so Rose and I wandered down the road, arm-in-arm, to where there were plenty of people heading into Jasper's house.

His house was the same colour and style as mine, but was bigger in all ways. The bottom floor was open plan and as we made our way through the door, I was surprised by just how many people were floating around.

"Watch out, the ladies have arrived!" I giggled as Jasper made his way over to us, the crowd parting to give him room and all heads turning at his declaration. I blushed under the attention, and he gave a little bow, offering an arm to each of us.

As we stepped our way through the house, I saw a few faces I knew, quite a lot of the parents and kids from school, and a few of the nurses and doctors from the hospital in Port Angeles. I only knew them because of my frequent visits there over the years, and I wondered what they were doing in Forks.

When we finally got to the kitchen, Jasper grabbed three beers and dispersed them between us, raising his in a mock toast.

"How'd the tutoring go, Bells?" Rosalie looked round in intrigue, reminding me that I hadn't quite told her I'd been in the Cullen household already.

"Boring really, he's pretty smart." I shrugged indifferently, noticing that Rosalie was still watching me.

"Whose ass, pray tell, are we kicking into shape this year, Bellarina?" I smirked at her recall.

For the past two years, Greene had asked me to tutor someone. It had only ever been for a couple of weeks at a time, and only ever one subject. I felt confused at the sinking feeling I experienced when I realised, the next day, it would be no one.

"The Cullen." There was a certain sneer to Jasper's comment, and I looked at him, puzzled. His eyes were narrowed, but when he caught my gaze it lessened considerably, and I gulped down the lump that had formed in my throat. Something was wrong.

"Jeez, Jasper, what did he ever do to you? He's only been in town for two days." Jasper shrugged, and Rosalie's eyes flew to me. "Edward, isn't it?" I noticed Jasper watching, probably wondering why Rosalie was asking a question so obvious, and I nodded, trying to act indifferent.

For the record, I sucked at being indifferent and nonchalant. I thought I heard Jasper mumble, "It's not me I'm worried about," but when I looked round he was taking a swig of his beer, so I let it go, thinking I was probably imagining it. I knew I was lying to him, and the guilt was probably making me paranoid.

The ringing of metal on glass sounded through the ground level of the house, followed by a quiet calm. Jasper rolled his eyes before leading Rosalie and I back out into the living area. His mom was standing in front of the fire with a champagne flute in her hand, waiting for everyone's attention.

"Hey, folks, thanks for coming. It's been too long." A murmur of humour rippled around the room, all knowing that it had barely been three weeks since the last Marie Whitlock famous gathering.

"As you all know, there's always a cause, and we all know that I usually make it up." This time she got a few heartfelt laughs. Her cheeks flamed slightly as she smiled back at her group of long time friends.

"Well, today there actually is a cause. It's not often that we get new neighbours, or friends in Forks. So, I would like to take this chance to welcome the Cullen family properly to our neighbourhood." My heart sank as low as it could go as I heard a few "Here, here's" ring out around the room.

"I know I'm not the only one who is thankful that Dr. Cullen has decided to look after our local hospital. I, for one, can sleep soundly at night now. So, please, everyone, raise your glasses or bottles - " she looked pointedly at Rosalie, Jasper and I; I blushed as the group turned to look in our direction " - and join me in welcoming the newest family to our town. To the Cullens!" Everyone repeated her toast while raising their glasses. Everyone but me.

My voice noticeably died in my throat, and it didn't go overlooked by my two companions. There, on the opposite side of the room, was Edward, surrounded by his family, who, all in turn, raised their glasses and bottles in recognition to Mrs. Whitlock's little welcoming speech.

"We need to talk, right now." Without waiting for a reaction, Jasper grabbed my hand and hauled me in the direction of the kitchen, through the back door and out onto the decking in the back garden.

"Jasper, you're hurting me." His grip on my thin arm lessened immediately, and he watched in remorse as I nursed the marks that were no doubt about to turn into bruises.

"Shit, sorry." I stopped caring about the marks the second he apologized. I knew what was coming, and I wasn't entirely sure I could handle it.

"Why did you lie?" He was angry, his jaw was set, and he was doing everything in his power to keep himself calm. No one else would have noticed, but I could see the strain in his stance that showed he wasn't a bit pleased.

"Jazz, I've only known for like ten hours! Didn't you think maybe I might need that time to come to terms with it myself? For once this has nothing to do with you!" Shit, maybe my own temper had been a little more flared than I had originally thought.

"What the fuck, Bella? I'm not fucking angry at you! Have you any idea how much I'm restraining myself from kicking his fucking head in?" A cold feeling washed over me at the thought of Edward being harmed, and I had to shake some sense into myself. I hated feeling that way.

"No! You can't." He turned back to me, having started pacing back and forth, when I shouted at him, but I felt my voice crumble and disappear at the end.

"Fuck, Bella, if he does anything to you, I swear I'll kill him!" He was talking through gritted teeth as I threw myself down on one of the unused benches. It was winter after all. Even in summer I doubted they got much use.

"Promise me you won't hurt him?" I looked up at him pleadingly, seeing the violent resolve vanish from his face as he took in the tears running down my cheeks.

"Bella? Fuck, I mean...why?" I laughed despite myself at his petulant sounding tone, as if he was a little boy being denied a simple pleasure.

"Jazz, trust me, please?" When he nodded silently, I breathed a sigh of relief. "I can't tell you why I think this, but maybe it wasn't his fault?" I phrased it like a question. I knew I couldn't betray Alice's or Edward's trust by telling Jasper, but I had to make sure he understood at least enough not to harm Edward.

"He hurt you, Bells, I can't overlook that." He sighed, wrapping me in his long arms, causing me to smile at the overprotective nature I loved so much. He had always been the big brother I never had. What we had was a sibling kind of love. That was the only way to explain it.

"I know. I love you, Jazz."

He dropped a light kiss on the top of my head as he held me and murmured, "I love you too, Bells," over the top of my head.

A slight cough from behind us had the hairs on the back of my neck standing in milliseconds. I knew it was him without even having to look. I felt Jasper tense before he stood up and turned round to face the kitchen door.

I spun on my seat to watch, praying that he didn't do anything, that he had taken my warning and wasn't about to do something rash. My heart soared as he held out his hand.

"Jasper Whitlock," he introduced himself. He didn't look happy, and I could still see the tension in his demeanour, and I could tell that Edward saw it too. Thankfully, he decided to ignore it.

He took Jasper's outstretched hand and spoke up, "Edward Cullen." He smiled slightly, not knowing what he had done to Jasper to receive such hostility, and trying to make a good impression.

My heart skipped a beat, painfully, as he introduced himself by the wrong name. Of course it wasn't wrong to him anymore, only to me. "I didn't mean to interrupt, I can come back." He waved his hand in the direction of the house, but Jasper shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged.

"No, I was just going to get us some drinks. Bells, you want the same again?" He turned to me with a warning in his eyes. I nodded my head in answer. To Edward it would seem I was saying yes, but I was really telling Jasper I would be okay without him.

In a very caveman-like way, Jasper dropped another kiss on the top of my head before he headed back into the house, where I could hear Marie talking loudly to a couple of the other moms.

My eyes flicked back to Edward's face when he started to speak, "I, uh...I wanted to apologize." His hand reached up, and he shoved it through the back of his hair, with his fingers making it stand up at odd angles. How many times had I done the exact same thing?

"You already have, Edward." I sighed gently and turned back to look at the expanse of garden in front of me, the one I knew like the back of my hand.

The sun had long set, and the little LED lights were sparkling among the many plants lining the lawn, and sprinkled among the trees at the bottom of the garden that melted into the forest behind. You couldn't see the tall wooden fence in the dark, and it felt like the house was part of the landscape.

"I know, but I feel like I should be apologising for something else. Like, I've done something to you. I guess I don't get why you hate me so much...I mean, I know I was an asshole, but it seems like something else." My heart rate sped immediately at his observant nature, but also his close proximity as he settled himself down on the bench beside me.

"I don't hate you, Edward." My voice was quiet, and I blushed as he turned his body to look at me.

"You're sure? You can phone a friend if you want." He shrugged in an exaggerated way, before looking at me quietly, waiting for an answer. I smiled ruefully, trying desperately to cover up my heart shattering into a million pieces. We had spent one stormy night watching British TV in his apartment and that had been one of the quiz shows. He wouldn't be remembering that night.

"I'm sure." And for some unknown reason, even to me, I laughed lightly.

"Aha! I got you to crack a smile. My mission for the day has been accomplished." He laughed down his nose and leaned his elbows on his knees.

"I'm sorry." I was a bit taken aback by the snort that came from my right side, but when I looked to Edward he looked almost incredulous.

"What the hell for?" He mock whispered. I wasn't sure why he was being deliberately immature, but his silly nature had always made me smile, and it was still working.

"For calling you an asshole, for shouting at you, walking into you, bailing on you..." I waved my hand as if there were plenty more I could add to my list, but I fell silent when Edward's hand grabbed mine.

At least I thought that was what happened. I was concentrating more on the familiar hum of pleasant energy flowing between us. I guessed it came as more of a shock to Edward, as I heard his breathing hitch much like it did the first time. After all, he didn't remember the little details. Hell, he didn't remember any of it. With that thought, I snatched my hand back, maybe a little too roughly as I noticed his own jerk with the movement, before he settled it palm down on his jean clad thigh.

"Stop apologizing, Bella." I became hyper aware of two things at once. Jasper was standing in the kitchen doorway, most probably listening in, and Edward was slowly becoming pissed off. At me or Jasper's presence, I wasn't sure.

"Breathe, Edward." My voice was soft as I placed my right hand on his forearm, knowing he had to get control of his temper. He had lost his cool once in my company before, and it was an experience I didn't want to repeat.

I turned my head slightly, so as not to garner Edward's attention, but to look at Jasper who was still hovering in the doorway. With little more than a look and a tiny shake of my head, he was turning on his heel and heading back into the kitchen, to where the women's laughter and chat had grown exponentially. I could have sworn that I heard Esme's soft voice, too. Even the sound of her close by had me on edge.

"How did you know to do that?" I was quite taken aback by his question; I hadn't thought it was that big a deal. I swallowed down the panic and lifted my hand off his arm, cutting the connection completely.

"I'm good at reading people." I smiled kindly over at him and watched as his muscles relaxed, and he calmed considerably.

"I used to think I was, too. But you fascinate me, Bella Swan. You've yet to do something I expect."

I shrugged my shoulders, copying his gesture from before. "I aim to be mysterious in life." The stone wall around my heart cracked a little at the sound of his velvet laugh. A sound I hadn't heard in over five months, yet a sound I knew I'd never forget.

"Can we be friends?" His voice was so soft that I wondered if I had heard him right, but the expression on his face, visible from the porch lights, told me otherwise. I stood quickly and took a few steps back, noticing the confusion fall across his face again.

"I don't think that's...I...no not...I..." I gave up my stuttering mess and looked at him properly. When had I ever denied him anything? But now it was time to start. This was for me not him, or anyone else, me.

"It's not a good idea, Edward. Can we just leave things as they are?" I watched as his eyebrows knitted together, the lines on his forehead defining. I knew that he was frustrated.

"Is it because of Jasper?" I nearly laughed straight in his face, but by some miracle I managed to contain it. He carried on at the look of puzzlement adorning my face.

"He seems like a pretty protective boyfriend. I mean, not in a bad way or anything, but I get it I suppose." Maybe that was going to be my way out. Could I lie and involve Jasper? Before I could answer my own inner monologue, I was nodding my head.

"He's just looking after me." Okay, that so wasn't ominous.

"He doesn't like me,"

"He doesn't know you, Edward. He's always been a little wary of new people, give him some time." I smiled lightly and stepped round him to head back into the house. I could have sworn I heard him say "You didn't like me either," but I dismissed it when I felt him stand up behind me and move towards the kitchen door.

"I guess I'll see you around, Isabella." The breath left me in an audible gasp as Edward edged around me, his arm brushing mine, and the sound of my full name rolling off his tongue. If I wasn't mistaken it was one of the sexiest things I had ever heard him say.

During the summer it had always been "Bells" and "Bella." I had only offered him Bella, so he never called me anything different. But Isabella just rolled out in the honey tone I loved so much, and I couldn't help the tightening sensation in the pit of my stomach.

Shaking my head, I made my way inside where Edward had long disappeared. There were at least a dozen adults loitering around the huge kitchen, either helping, chatting or eating, enjoying their night like they always did when they came to Marie's.

I noticed Esme and Carlisle in the corner, his arm wound lovingly around her petite frame. When he turned his head, he dropped a kiss to her temple, almost on autopilot. As his eyes caught mine he smiled over her head, but I had had enough of his family for one night. Sure, it was rude, but I grabbed two bottles of beer, ignored Carlisle completely and went in search of Jasper, swigging at my bottle furiously as I went.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**So what did we think? Did our Bella make the right choice? Is she being selfish? Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do :( But if you don't agree or like let me know :)**

**Review as always please guys :)**

**Anyways...next up is an EPOV! I don't know how many of y'all are writers but I LOVE writing from Edward's POV, well this Edward anyways :P**

**Have we come up with any acronyms or nicknames for our Bella & Edward yet? Rhymes? Lyrics? Let your imagination run wild...you guys are as much a part of this story as I am now :)**

**See you in Edward's poor mixed up brain... **

**xx**


	5. Secrets

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**So here we have it! EPOV! **

**Enjoy our little wander around Edward's brain! Jake also makes an appearance in this chapter so be warned :P**

**Also...I'm a pretty happy bunny...I hav jst won a sizeable chunk of money on the Grand National...that should help with going to T in the Park =)**

**As usual...Stephenie owns it all...**

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Chapter Five - Secrets

I need another story  
Something to get off my chest  
My life gets kinda boring  
Need something that I can confess  
Til' all my sleeves are stained red  
From all the truth that I've said  
Come by it honestly I swear  
Thought you saw wink, no  
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want from here  
Something that were like those years  
Sick of all the insincere  
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away  
This time, don't need another perfect line  
Don't care if critics never jump in line  
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My god, amazing how we got this far  
It's like we're chasing all those stars  
Who's driving shiny big cars  
And everyday I see the news  
All the problems that we could solve  
And when a situation rises  
Just write it into an album  
Singing straight, too cold  
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want from here  
Something that were like those years  
Sick of all the insincere  
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away  
This time, don't need another perfect line  
Don't care if critics never jump in line  
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame  
Got no family I can blame  
Just don't let me disappear  
I'mma tell you everything

So tell me what you want from here  
Something that were like those years  
Sick of all the insincere  
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away  
This time, don't need another perfect line  
Don't care if critics never jump in line  
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want from here  
Something that were like those years  
Sick of all the insincere  
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away  
This time, don't need another perfect line  
Don't care if critics never jump in line  
I'm gonna give all my secrets away  
All my secrets away, All my secrets away

_Secrets - One Republic_

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Edward's POV

I had no idea what it was about this girl, but there was something drawing me in, and there seemed to be nothing I could do about it. It was almost like a compulsion when I followed her outside. I watched Jasper grab her by the arm and tow her outside as if she was an inanimate object, and it had stirred something deep inside. So I followed them.

She had put me through the ringer that day and she didn't even fucking know what she was doing. When I turned to face her in the Principal's office, I certainly hadn't expected what I saw. No, she wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but she was beautiful, and I had the urge to just, fuck, touch her or some shit. Then, she started acting all weird, like she was fucking scared of me at one point. Then she fucking cried. I made her cry, what kind of asshole does that to someone they just meet? Me, apparently. I made myself sick. Then, I noticed the smallest thing could fluster her; my observation intriguing and amusing me.

At lunch I was captivated by her. Sick, I know, since she was sitting with her fucking boyfriend, and I was watching her like some pervert. She still had me transfixed, though. Alice was nattering away in my ear, but I only tuned in when I heard Bella's name. Seemed my staring hadn't gone unnoticed.

It was kind of weird how Bella looked up at the exact moment Alice mentioned her name, like she had super hearing or something. So then my thoughts went down the Bella-as-a-superhero route. Let me just say, thoughts of Bella decked out in superhero spandex was not good in a school cafeteria. I was seriously fucked by this girl.

_You wish._

It wasn't until I was making the turning onto our driveway that I noticed my hands were shaking on the steering wheel. She was making me fucking nervous.

_What was I, twelve? _

She looked really sad just sitting there in her old, beaten up truck. All I wanted to do was go over there, open the door, and pull her into a hug. But then I thought that might be a bit much, seeing as I only met her like seven hours before. So I waited.

When she stood awkwardly watching me, I had to get out of there. The air all around us was permeated with her scent. I noticed it in Biology, fucking strawberries or some shit, and it was scarily turning me on. Like I said, she had no fucking idea what she did to me.

But then it all started to go wrong. When she walked into me I only shouted at her because my hands were full, and I couldn't have helped her. I had to watch as she wobbled backwards, landing on the floor at my feet.

_Knocking women over with your irresistible charm again, Cullen? _

So that was of course the second time in one day that I'd upset her. Shit, I really was a prick.

But then she started shouting at me. I would have yelled "Go, Bella" if I knew it wouldn't have made things worse. I was pretty impressed that shy and quiet Bella Swan was sticking up for herself. But then I actually listened to what she was saying, and it made no sense. Rightfully, she called me an asshole. I think I may have smiled at that part, which probably wasn't the best idea, but it was the next bit that confused me. Something about pretending something never happened.

I seriously thought she had me confused with someone else. I was going to call her out on it, but Alice had to go and fucking interrupt us. What was it with that little pixie's timing? When she pointed out that Bella was soaking, my mind immediately went to the gutter. Of course.

I was getting hard again when I noticed her nipples were showing through her darkened shirt. She was adamant on leaving, but Alice managed to talk her round. No-one argues with Alice.

My mom came home while the girls were upstairs. She immediately panicked when she thought someone had had a bad accident, but I managed to calm her down as I cleaned up the glass and water that was all over the wooden floor. It was strange, though, when I mentioned Bella's name she turned white as a sheet, I honestly thought she was going to faint. Instead, she said she needed to make sure Carlisle had something to wear for some party we had been invited to, and fled up the stairs to her room. Strange, yes.

I was actually beginning to worry about Bella, knowing Alice could be a little overbearing. It didn't take that long to change clothes.

_Bella naked. _

Shit, I was bad at this. However, it was like someone had heard me. When I got to the bottom of the stairs to go check on them, Bella appeared at the top. I was rooted to the spot as I took in her new appearance. She was wearing a tight cotton blouse that showed her long thin arms and quite a lot of chest. Her hair was down, floating around her shoulders, and I had this ridiculous urge to run my fingers through it just to see how soft it was. When she got to the bottom of the stairs I knew I was in her way, but I couldn't move - until I heard the venom in her voice.

She kept repeating how she "couldn't do it." Maybe she was a little, you know, not all there? It was the only explanation I could come up with for her blowing hot and cold on me when we barely knew each other. But then I remembered I was doing the same. I fucking apologized and still got nothing out of her. For some reason she wanted nothing to do with me.

But even with all that, at the party when I saw the way Jasper handled her, a red flag went up in my head. I probably shouldn't have, but I stood in the doorway and watched as she cried, yet again, and felt inconceivably jealous as I watched Jasper comfort her. Their declarations of love were enough to make me want to leave, but instead of turning and leaving them in peace, I had to go and choke on fucking air.

Jasper hated me - that much was clear. I was pretty sure the only reason he even gave me the time of day was because Bella was watching us, but I guess I should tip my hat to him for giving me time alone with her. If she was mine, I wouldn't let her out of my sight, especially not with a guy who was practically obsessed with her. Not that he knew that.

Turned out, my apologizing _again_ did fucking nothing. She didn't even want to be fucking friends, saying some shit like it wasn't a good idea. What the fuck? I thought we were doing quite well as we sat out there. We both laughed, and my heart practically fell out of my chest when I heard her fucking laugh. Yeah, sad, I know. We talked, kind of. And that electricity shit? What the fuck was that?

She acted as if nothing happened, which kind of pissed me off, especially when she started apologizing for how she had acted during the day. It was as if she had changed her mind completely about me. Yet she still wanted nothing to do with me. God, I was confused.

So I left, which I know was immature, but I was pretty sick of her mood swings. But now I was standing, watching her every move from the other side of the room. She looked gorgeous in that dress. Who knew that a plain black dress could look so good on someone? Fuck if I hadn't been turned on when she walked into the house. Yeah, I guess Rosalie was your stereotypical bombshell - I wouldn't be a guy if I didn't think she looked hot, but somehow my eyes were completely and utterly drawn to Bella. While she was sitting on that sofa, downing drink after drink - which worried me - all I could concentrate on was her legs. Her skin looked fucking delectable, and I knew I was turning back into the stalker from earlier.

I got pretty pissed at the fact that Jasper just kept mixing her different drinks. Couldn't he see that she would be incapable of fucking walking if he kept that shit up? She could barely manage to sit up straight, never mind stand. I nearly fucking ran over to her when I watched her trying to get up, just so I could wrap my arms around her. My attention was momentarily stolen by Emmett, and I panicked when I lost sight of Bella.

"Dude, this is my chance!" He nudged me on the shoulder before heading off in the direction of the seat Bella had just vacated. As I followed him with my eyes, I noticed that Rosalie was on her own, Jasper having disappeared as well. I suddenly felt sick.

I made my way through the crowd until I found the front door, headed out into the front garden, and threw myself down on one of the front porch steps with a full bottle of beer in my hand.

For some unknown reason I started thinking about the past few months. They had been hellish on my entire family, but I knew without a doubt that I wouldn't have got through it all without them. Fuck, they even moved across the country for me. After the accident they all acted really strange, like they were scared of what to say around me. When I started going to the psychologist I found out why. According to the doctors, I could take ten steps back if everyone just started filling in the blanks for me. I had never been more frustrated. Everything I did, everyone I spoke to or saw in the street became a fucking suspect to me.

I second guessed myself with everything I did. Had I done it before? Did I already know how to do a certain thing? Did I know this person? Did I like this person? What fucked with my brain the most, though, was that there was only four months missing. May, June, July and August.

My accident happened the second day of September, so yeah, I was missing those two days too. My psychologist had hinted that I had forgotten those four months because I was afraid of facing them. My brain had completely shut them out as a way to protect myself. Fuck that shit. I wanted to know what the hell had happened, but of course, for my own good, my own family couldn't even tell me.

Ultimately, I began to get to the stage where I could trust no-one. I barely spoke to my family. Sure it looked like we were close knit and shit, but that was all aesthetic. I spent my time in my room, pouring over my things, trying to find something I didn't know that could jog my memory somehow.

That frustrated me, too. No matter how hard I looked, it seemed like there was nothing personal amongst my shit at all. Well, not from recent times anyway. There was all the kid shit that you feel morally obliged to keep, but there was nothing tangible, solid to show how I spent my time. Was I so fucking busy that I didn't write things down? Did I not have close friends that would give me things? There were no pictures other than the ones with family and family friends.

The only thing I found was a sketchbook with half the pages missing, I might add. Had I gotten so fed up one day that I ripped them all out? Fuck if I knew. What _was_ in it though was sort of mysterious. There were loads of sketches of landscapes, and it wouldn't take a genius to figure out that it was New York. Everybody knew that skyline.

They were pretty fucking good if I did say so myself. I mean, I always knew I could draw, but I didn't remember sketching any of those. One of them, on the last page of the few that remained, had a girl in it. She wasn't distinguishable, so I had no idea who it was, but the way I had drawn it made me think she was special. She had long wavy hair. Colour? I would never know because I'd done it in fucking pencil. And the only other thing I could tell was that she wasn't very tall, and she was quite thin. Like, she hadn't quite filled out yet? I could tell I'd drawn it from behind her. She was sitting at my bedroom window in New York - another mystery - looking out over the view. That was all I had.

That in itself had me asking more questions, more questions with no answers. Had I spent my summer in New York? I couldn't remember the last time I was in my mom's apartment. So what the fuck did I do for my whole summer? Did I have a job? I could have taken a fucking three-month trip around the world for all I knew. Not that I had the funds for that kind of trip anyway. So yeah, it was just one big black hole.

I didn't know why they decided to move to Forks of all fucking places. As far as I could tell, the place was a miserable dump. I guess it was proving difficult for me, being in Chicago and not really knowing my place in it all. I bumped into a couple of guys in the street one day who looked as if they were either going to cry or run away from me.

I had asked my mom about it, but she had just said she couldn't help me out because she didn't know who I was talking about_. I _didn't fucking know who I was talking about. That was the last time I asked any of them for information. Fucking waste of time.

So there we were, the Cullen family, all sticking together in times of hardship, ready to start a new life in a place that was clearly going nowhere. I'd only been there twenty four hours and already I was gasping to leave. I only had a year and a half of school remaining, and I took solace in that. Of course, if there hadn't been an accident, I would still be in the city with _four months_ of school left. Life fucking had it in for me. I must have been a serial killer or some shit like that in a previous life.

I had downed the bottle of beer in my hand without even really realising it. As I got up to find myself another one, wanting nothing more than to go home, I heard giggling and "shh-ing" coming from the corner of the house. I rolled my eyes knowing exactly what was going on and headed into the house.

It took me a while to navigate my way through the throngs of people. Everyone was standing in clusters, drinking and talking with one another. I made it harder on myself by trying to locate Bella throughout the house. By the time I made it to the kitchen, grabbed myself another beer from the stack that didn't seem to be reducing and turned to go back to my spot, I was pretty sure that Bella and Jasper were off somewhere on their own, as I couldn't spot either of them. Emmett and Rosalie I noticed, were sitting in the corner quietly, chatting away like old friends, while Alice gossiped animatedly with a couple of the girls in her - our - year. I knew that it was the only way she knew how to talk to new people. It was her form of an icebreaker.

I thought I had taken a wrong turn as I got back outside, simply because it took me a few seconds to realise the scene in front of me had changed slightly. Maybe I had had more to drink than I originally thought.

One of the cars that had been parked directly in front of the house was missing, leaving a gaping hole, and there was a girl sitting in my spot. No, not any girl, it was Bella. She was hunched over with her head in her hands, and as I got closer I realised with panic that she was crying. Three times in one day had to be a record. Sadly, I was pretty chuffed with myself that I hadn't caused the most recent batch.

Bella's POV

I was pretty sure that Edward was watching me for most of the night. It was unnerving. I hated the way I reacted to that little piece of information. However, every time I looked up at him, he was deep in conversation with Emmett or his parents. Maybe I was imagining the whole thing. I was usually quite perceptive when it came to Edward's attention, but I _had_ had a lot to drink. Three bottles of beer, most of Rosalie's Vodka, and at least six mixed drinks, courtesy of Jasper. He was just as far gone as I was, not being able to handle his alcohol quite as well as Rose.

I knew that Edward was definitely watching me as I struggled to get up from the sofa. It took me at least three tries to haul myself up, Jasper and Rose only laughing at me instead of helping. I wouldn't have minded the assistance, but I laughed myself and wandered off in the direction of the ground floor bathroom.

As I stood in the short queue, concentrating on making it there on time, my ears tuned in at the sound of the Cullen name. It was Jessica and Lauren, teamed up for the night as usual. Thankfully they hadn't spotted me, and I tried my hardest to blend into the surroundings; being unnoticeable was a skill I had learned years ago.

"Have you seen that Edward guy? He is like so frickin' hot, it's so freaking unbelievable." Jessica's voice went straight through me like it always did, grating on my nerves. It was three time's worse was when Lauren piped up.

"I know, he's single too. I mean, are you like interested? 'Cause I was thinking I could, like, alert him to my recently single status...You don't mind do you?" She was a cow, and Jess was going to fall for it.

"Oh, no. Of course not. You'd look so cute together..." I'd heard enough. The thought of Edward with anyone was upsetting, but with Lauren it was making me physically sick. I did the first thing I thought of. I ran. I was pretty sure I was going to throw up, but the fresh air hitting me like a wall must have helped. I rested my back against the side of the house, out of the view of all the guests.

"Well if it isn't little Bella..." At the sound of the familiar voice I straightened myself up and smiled, turning to face the guy standing about two yards away.

"Jake!" The alcohol in my system was clearly having more of an effect than I thought, as I threw my arms up and welcomed him with a hug, happy with the fact that he strode straight to me and picked me up.

Jake was tall, over six foot, had just turned eighteen, was very tanned and had silky black hair. Not to mention, the hardest six pack you would ever come across.

"Wow, Bells, I didn't realise you missed me that much! I'll need to go away for longer next time!" I felt slightly embarrassed by what I had done, but I was feeling overly eager for someone's attention, and if that meant throwing myself at Jacob, then so be it.

I had known his dad, Billy, for most of my life. Charlie would go out with him nearly every weekend while I was growing up to fish on the lake. I vaguely remember playing with Jake when I was little, but he had moved away to go to school, so I missed the whole "growing up stage."

He had returned to La Push to stay with his dad the week I returned from New York. Having previously only had Jasper to spend my time with, I found it refreshing to take a trip to the coast and spend the day with Jake every now and then. He knew, like most around me, that there was something I was hiding, but he did his best to avoid it, knowing I wouldn't want to talk about it.

It was at Marie's New Year Party, not three weeks before, that we had last seen each other, and I blushed at the memory. Neither of us had been very sober and had decided to experiment with our friendship. Let's just say we spent the most of our night making out. It had been a welcome distraction. I liked the way it made me forget.

"How about we pick up where we left off, huh?" His voice was all suggestive and sugary, and once again I fell for it. I giggled loudly as he pushed me up against the side of the house, trapping me in with his tall, muscled body.

I moaned loudly, not caring if anyone could hear me as his mouth slanted over mine in the most delicious way. Our kiss didn't take long to heat up, and I gasped as he lifted me so I was level with him, never breaking our contact. I had to wrap my legs around his hips to keep myself anchored, and right away I felt his obvious arousal causing me to moan in pleasure.

However, my thoughts finally caught up with my actions as I heard someone leaving the party, walking down the sidewalk not ten feet from us. The pitch black had us covered well, but as Jacob pulled away at the sound, I had the chance to reason with myself. I unwound my legs and stood myself on the grass, but Jake came back for more anyway. I put my hands on his chest and pushed lightly trying to get his attention.

"Jake, stop." His head snapped back almost immediately, and he took a small step back, holding his hands up in mock surrender.

"What is it?" His voice had lost all it's seductive reasoning, and I heaved a sigh of relief knowing I wouldn't have been able to say no to him otherwise.

"I can't, I'm sorry." My eyes fell to my feet, but I had no choice but to look up as he slid his finger under my chin.

"Hey, it's cool! You have had a lot to drink." He stooped and picked his beer up from the grass where he had left it, and I suddenly felt sick again. "I'll see you around, Bells."

Without waiting for a reply, he turned on his heel and left me alone. The wind caused me to shiver, and I knew I was definitely going to be sick.

I felt disgusted with myself as I emptied the alcohol in my system out onto the grass behind a tree. Tears were streaming from my eyes, and I was glad I had put on waterproof mascara as I wiped at my eyes and tried to straighten my dress. I must have looked like one of those sad girls who puts out at a party because they were too drunk to say no. I wasn't that girl. I had only ever slept with one person, and he didn't even fucking remember it.

I laughed bitterly and threw myself down on the porch steps. My thoughts centred around me being so bad at "that," that he had forgotten it. However, it wasn't long before the tears set in again, and I was back to being a pathetic mess. I looked up at the inky sky and prayed for a miracle.

Edward's POV

I sat down beside her quietly, noting that she had another plastic cup at her feet. Fuck, she'd been drinking incessantly for most of the night, and no-one else seemed to care. Her parents were in that house, and yet there she was, practically passed out, crying on the front porch. I didn't say anything, but she eventually looked up at me with tears in her eyes, and I felt a pang in my chest at seeing her so broken.

"Edward?" Her voice was small, making her sound vulnerable for the first time since I'd met her. She was questioning herself, as if I wasn't really there.

"Why aren't you with Lauren The Bitch?" My eyebrows knitted together in confusion, and I laughed once. What the fuck was she talking about?

"Bella, I don't know who that is." She looked at me as if I had three eyes and snorted. At the sound, her hand flew to her mouth, and she looked at me in shock.

"She said she knew you were single and that she was going to, you know...make you not single..." The more she spoke, the more evident it became that she had drank too much.

"But you're here. You shouldn't be here. No-one wants me." My right fist clenched at her drunken observation, and I had to calm the anger that was building inside me.

"Bella, who doesn't want you?" There was a reason she was sitting outside a party, drunk and crying, and fuck, I was going to get to the bottom of it.

"Jake. He said...he left..." Her sobs broke through loudly, and I watched in horror as she cradled herself back and forth. What the fuck was I supposed to do with a hysterical girl?

"Bella, did he hurt you?" Who the fuck was Jake? I was going to fucking kill him if he hurt her. When she eventually shook her head I breathed a sigh of relief.

"He was being so nice...and I..I actually thought he liked me. But then I asked him to stop 'cause it didn't feel right, you know? I just wanted his attention, but he left me alone and just said it was okay." Sadly my first thought was: why the fuck was she making out with this Jake guy if she was supposed to be with Jasper?

She was shaking uncontrollably, whether from the cold night air or her sobs, I wasn't quite sure, but I took my grey sweater off and draped it around her tiny frame.

"Bella, where's Jasper?" I had no idea how to deal with her, but maybe if I found her "supposed" fucking boyfriend he could do something to help. She shrugged her shoulders and looked up at me, biting her lip.

"I'm sorry, Edward." What the fuck now? "I lied to you...Jazz...he isn't actually my boyfriend...I made it up. I thought it would make you stay away from me." She wavered slightly on the spot, so I reached out to make sure she didn't topple down the fucking stairs.

"Why do you want me to stay away from you, Bella?" Again she looked up at me in confusion. Maybe I was using sentences too long for her drunken brain to handle. I was just about to rephrase it when she spoke up, hiccupping first.

"He looked like you. You're so pretty." Her tiny hand came up and traced a line under my right eye. I held my breath as that stupid fucking hum came back when she touched me.

"He was so pretty. He loved me, you know?" She nodded her head with a big fucking stupid grin on her face like the Cheshire cat, and I grew more and more confused and frustrated. Who the fuck was she talking about?

"That's why you need to stay away from me." She hiccupped again, and I realised she had been answering me in her own way.

"Bella, you're drunk. I think you need to go home." She shook her head vehemently.

"No, you can't leave me!" And she was fucking hysterical again.

"You just said I needed to stay away from you." At the reminder of her previous words, she looked broken all over again. Couldn't fucking win this one.

"They all leave, Edward. No one wants me, I know that." She sniffed lightly, and I heaved a sigh of relief as I noticed she was no longer crying.

The only explanation to her earlier spiel, that I could come up with, was that I reminded her of some asshole that had hurt her in the past. No wonder she didn't want to be around me.

"I'm drunk." I laughed lightly through my nose. Fuck drunk, she was off her fucking rocker at this point. "Stay away from Lauren...Please?" Fuck, now she was pleading with me. What the hell was wrong with this girl? She was like no other drunk I had ever met before.

"Why, Bella?" I might as well see where it was going. I was beginning to have fun with her random and ridiculous conversations.

"'Cause I like you better single. Plus, she's a bitch." I laughed again. She actually sounded like she was sobering up. Not that that was possible.

"I think you already mentioned that, Bella." She giggled, and the thought struck me that it was the same giggle from earlier. I had been sitting right here when it fucking happened.

"Jess...She wants you too..." She punctuated both her statements with a jab to my upper arm. I wasn't going to lie - it actually hurt. She had fucking bony fingers.

"Like you said, I'm pretty." I laughed again, but stopped when I realised Bella had gone quiet.

"I'm only allowed to say that, Edward. You're kind of beautiful...But don't tell anyone." She giggled lightly again, sounding like a little girl, and I smiled at her.

Was it wrong that I loved the fact that she thought I was beautiful?

"Only you, I promise." I didn't know what made me say it, but it sounded fuck awesome when I did. She smiled at me happily before she weaved her arm through mine and rested her head lightly on my shoulder. For some stupid fucking reason I felt really happy when she did that. Happier than I had in months. I decided not to question it and just go with how I was feeling. I knew it was something I wasn't going to come across a lot.

I smiled inwardly when she curled her little frame into the side of my body. She bent her knees sideways so that they were resting against mine, and her feet where under her on the step below us. She put both hands round my upper arm and hugged tightly before humming in contentment. I knew how she fucking felt.

The night was cold - it was only the third week into January - but surprisingly, the rain from earlier in the day had stayed away for most of the night. It must have given us its share, as there was barely a cloud in the sky when I looked up at it. Thousands of tiny stars were sitting up there twinkling away quite contentedly, just watching everything happening beneath them.

In my less than sober mind-set, I wondered what it would be like to watch the world go by without a say in its events. But then I realised that was exactly how I was living my life. I sat in the background quietly observing everything. No-one had really paid me any attention in Chicago after the accident. I would go and sit in the art gallery most evenings before it shut and just blend into the surroundings, letting everyone get on with their lives the way they wanted to. I observed, I learned. I became pretty fucking good at reading people in that time.

Everyone was unique, all with their own personal ticks or vices, but I noticed that patterns in one person could sometimes explain those in another. Take Bella for example. In school she tried her hardest to blend in, just like I had, yet she had no idea that she had the thoughts of nearly every guy in our year circling her at any one time. I learned in the space of three periods that she was the single fantasy of quite a few freaks in our year. Mike Newton and his buddy Tyler being only two.

All the girls thought she was a freak that didn't deserve their attention. Well, at least Lauren's lot did. Angela was a polite and hardworking girl, and she had the sense to stick with Bella. She wasn't a freak. She just wanted to keep to herself.

I was pretty fucking positive that something horrible had happened to her not that long ago, causing her to no longer trust those around her. She was afraid of what others thought of her, yet she did nothing about it. If I wasn't mistaken, she was working hard and keeping her head down for one solitary reason. She wanted to get the fuck out of Forks whenever she could. Personally, I didn't blame her, and as I sat there I realised that we had a shit load in common that even I was surprised with. All the issues I had, I was certain she had too.

"Edward?" Fuck, Bella was shivering so badly that her teeth were chattering, and I hadn't even noticed. To be honest, I thought she was asleep, clearly she'd either been as deep in thought as me or she had just left me to it.

"What?" I whispered loudly like I had earlier, and she giggled quietly into my arm, a sound that once again made me feel better.

"Can you...I mean, you don't have to but...I mean..."

"Bella, you can ask me anything." I heard her sigh sadly, and I wondered what I had done wrong.

"Can you take me home? I want to go home, and I don't think I'll make it on my own." Shit! I didn't have a car; Carlisle had driven us all over.

It was fun being fucking shoved in the back of a car with Emmett. Not. He wasn't the smallest person in the world. Carlisle had work in the morning, so he promised he wouldn't drink much. That was why he was designated driver. Our parents were pretty lenient when it came to us drinking. Well, me, anyway. They had learned not to argue with me on most things.

"Bella, I don't know where you live..." Her hold on my arm increased to the point of pain, and she sniffled quietly.

"Sorry, I forgot." She sounded so sad, but I remained quiet. I didn't know what the fuck to do when it came to Bella. "It's that one there." She lifted her right arm and pointed down the road to our right. Following her hand, I could just make out the front porch light of a house quite similar to the one we were sitting in front of.

"Okay, you ready to go?" She nodded and tried to stand up. Whether it was the drink or the fucking death traps on her feet, I didn't know, but there was no way she could walk anywhere. She was still unable to fucking stand up. Without thinking twice about it, I put my arm behind her knees and knocked her over easily so that I was carrying her. She giggled loudly at the fact that she was now lying in my arms, and I tried not to think too much about how close she actually was.

I was surprised at how light she was, and with the close proximity I noticed just how skinny. Her arms, legs, even her back were pure bone, and I felt worry creep back over me. I wasn't her fucking dad, so why the fuck was I fretting over how thin she was? She snuggled her head into my shoulder and tightened her grip around my neck.

The sounds of Mrs Whitlock's party faded quickly behind us as I wandered down the road, the cold wind soon sobering me up. I was thanking myself of all things that I didn't drink too much. I wanted to take care of Bella, and that was another thought that scared the shit out of me.

Before we got to her front yard, where I could see a silver SUV, her red truck and a black something I couldn't quite make out, I heard her mumble, "smell so good" into my shoulder, and I chuckled lightly. Seemed she was full of compliments for me when she wasn't sober. Any other time she wanted nothing to do with me. That thought made my heart sink.

When she woke up in the morning she was going to go straight to school and ask the Principal to find me another tutor. After that, there was barely any excuse to spend time with her. A couple of stray words before and after Biology would be all I got. She was in all my classes apart from math, but she always sat on her own, away from everyone else.

Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could get the time I needed. And yes, I _needed_ it. I had known her for sixteen hours and already I was obsessed. She just kept drawing me back in, and I'd be damned if I let her have her way. We were going to be friends if it was the last thing I did.

I set her down on the porch steps in the same position she had been sitting at Jaspers, and tried the door, surprised when the handle turned and the door swung open. I searched around for a light switch and flicked it, light spilling out of the house and showing me the way to go. Not that difficult, the entire place was a mini replica of Jasper's.

"You're like a knight in shining armour," was the next thing she mumbled at me as I picked her up, and carried her over the threshold.

"You do realise we're supposed to do this when we get married?" Why the fuck did I just say that out loud? I cringed at myself as Bella's eyes opened, searching my face for something.

"Promise?" My heart thudded awkwardly in my chest at the tone of voice she was using. She sounded so lost and alone that all I wanted to do was fucking keep hugging her. So, I did the only thing I could think of to keep her happy.

"Promise," I whispered into her ear, and I couldn't stop myself from pressing my lips into her temple; her strawberry, flowery smell overtaking my senses. I had to put her down before I fucking dropped her. I settled her on the couch, but she hung on as if someone was trying to tear us apart and it hurt to watch.

"Please don't leave me again." Again? Had I left her before? _Yeah, asshole, you walked away from her remember? Shit_. I pulled the blanket that was folded on the back of the sofa and threw it over her, but she shrugged it off.

"Bella?" She held up her hand to silence me, and I waited for whatever it was she wanted to say.

"They can't see me like this. They'll make me go back to the doctors. Can you help me up to my room?" They being her parents, doctors were quite self-explanatory, and I was beginning to see that she was more broken than I had ever realised.

I picked her light body up, once again smiling as she snuggled into me and carried her up the stairs. I was about to ask her what room was hers, but for some reason I already knew. All the doors where shut, yet when I opened the one at the end of the hall, it was hers. I had to laugh at my crazy skills.

It was all violets and blacks, her bed was made, and there was barely a scrap of mess. She had a desk that was surrounded in book shelves, and I smiled at the fact that she loved to read as much as I did.

Once again, I settled her down, this time on her bed, where she immediately curled up into a ball facing me, with her hands shoved under her pillow. She was watching me with fear in her eyes, but not like she was actually scared of me. She was afraid of being alone. I un-tucked her covers and threw them over her, watching as she burrowed under them further to warm up. I knew she was still clutching my jumper, but I let her be. She looked as if she needed it as a safety blanket or something.

"Please don't leave," she asked me again, and this time I sighed. She honestly thought I was going to leave her.

"I'm not going anywhere, Bella. Just get some sleep." She grabbed my hand from where it was sitting on the mattress beside her and kept an iron tight grip on it, as if to make sure I wouldn't go anywhere. I sat on the floor beside the head of her bed, resting my back against her bedside cabinet and watched her quietly.

Once again I was captivated. She was just so fucking pretty, and I wasn't saying that because I was kind of drunk. It was beauty in a way that wasn't obvious. Trust me, I'm an artist.

She had really deep eyes that could hold so many emotions at once, that I wondered how her head didn't fucking explode. Her skin was pale, smooth and flawless, not a hint of makeup apart from on her eyes, and she looked exquisite. It was all natural and it _all _drew me in.

She was sound asleep in minutes, but like the stalker I had turned out to be, I stayed with her, quietly watching her, making sure she was okay. She started mumbling and fidgeting violently, but when I rubbed circles into her palm she calmed back down again, and her breathing steadied out.

I was willing to stay there all night, be there when she woke up, so I could talk her into changing her mind. I was positive it would work, but I panicked when I heard her parents come home what felt like hours after us. I hid behind the door in case one of them came in to check on her, but neither of them did. They locked up and went straight to their bed. Renee stumbling the entire way. It didn't surprise me that Charlie still sounded sober, but he obviously didn't check on Bella because he was so preoccupied with his wife.

I headed back over to her sleeping form and smiled like a loon when I heard her say my name. I thought she had woken up, but when I realised she was sill fast asleep, I smiled even wider. Did that mean she was dreaming about me? I crouched over her and placed a light kiss to her forehead. I was masochistic, but I was taking as much as I could get.

It was probably the drink in my system, but for some reason I thought it was a clever idea to leave her a note _and_ climb down the tree outside her window. The note simply said: "_Sweet dreams, and I hope you know I had to battle a tree to get out." _I even drew a fucking smiley face. Who does that? It wasn't romantic, but she didn't want that, anyway. I left it on the pillow beside her head, and weighted it down with a small glass ornament, that in the waning light looked like some kind of flower.

I took a very long, deep breath and planned my route down the tree. If there had been anyone watching me, I would have looked like a stalkerish freak, but I eventually managed to get myself out onto the branch and successfully shut her window behind me. By the time I got to the ground, my T-shirt was torn in two places, and I had a cut up the side of my head. City boys cannot climb fucking trees. Railings yes, trees no.

I was surprised to see that Mrs Whitlock's house was in near darkness when I looked in its direction. I wasn't surprised, however, that my father's car was gone. Looked like I was walking home.

By the time I eventually stumbled in through the unlocked door, it was nearing three in the morning. I thought my parents would be pissed, and when I noticed that Carlisle was still up when I locked the door behind me, I thought it was going to be the first time he actually reprimanded me for something. I mean, fuck, I wanted it to happen.

He simply looked me up and down from his spot on the sofa. No smile, no grimace, growl, words, nothing. What the fuck? Did he know what time it was? I noticed his eyes flick down over my clothes, and then back up to my face before he shook his head infinitesimally.

"Rough night?" I looked at myself in the light and noticed I looked like fucking shit. On top of being torn and raggedy, I was filthy too.

"I'm going to bed." He nodded in my direction as I set off for the stairs, sick of having to still be on my feet.

"Goodnight, son." Something strange stirred in me, but when I looked back at him he just smiled kindly. I let it go and clambered up the stairs as quietly as I could, completely aware that I didn't answer him.

I tossed myself under the hot water of the shower in my en-suite before throwing myself into my double bed. It had been a long-ass day, and I prayed to whoever was listening that not all of the ones involving Bella would be the same. I smiled at the simple thought of Bella.

I didn't care how ridiculous or "whipped" I seemed, I was fucking adamant that she was going to like me, but then I remembered that I had to tread carefully. It was pretty obvious in my sobering state that someone had broken her heart. That thought alone made me angry.

In the space of six hours I had made a list of people I was angry at for hurting Bella, including Jasper, Jacob, and some mystery guy I had never met.

_Good going, Romeo._

I believe I told myself to fuck off before I fell into a restful sleep. It was a miracle in itself that I didn't have any more of the freaky nightmares that I was prone to.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**REVIEW! PLEASE!**

**X**


	6. The Morning After

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Well hey there again! This chap is a back to Bella...but we have oh so much more Edward...more of lovely Jasper and more of adorable Emmet :) What a great mix :)**

**This chapter also includes a little flashback to summer 2009 :P Not as long as the last one and there are no lemons but there is a bit of fluff in there...**

**There's also an overload of hugging and cuddling in this one...didn't really notice it myself until I re-read it...must be the mood I'm in :P**

**So as per everything belongs to Stephanie...we just play around with it :P**

**Enjoy y'all xx**

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CHAPTER SIX - THE MORNING AFTER

Thinking back, thinking of you  
Summertime think it was June  
Yeah think it was June  
Laying back, head on the grass  
Chewing gum having some laughs  
Yeah having some laughs.

You made me feel like the one  
Made me feel like the one  
The one  
You made me feel like the one  
Made me feel like the one  
The one

Drinking back, drinking for two  
Drinking with you  
When drinking was new  
Sleeping in the back of my car  
We never went far  
Didn't need to go far

You made me feel like the one  
Made me feel like the one  
The one  
You made me feel like the one  
Made me feel like the one  
The one

I don't know where we are going now  
I don't know where we are going now

Wake up call, coffee and juice  
Remembering you  
What happened to you?  
I wonder if we'll meet again  
Talk about life since then  
Talk about why did it end

You made me feel like the one  
Made me feel like the one  
The one  
You made me feel like the one  
Made me feel like the one  
The one

I don't know where we are going now  
I don't know where we are going now

So take a look at me now

_Dakota - Stereophonics_

* * *

**Bella's POV: Now**

When I woke up, I felt unusually rested, and dare I say, content. I couldn't recall the last time that had happened. Then, I remembered the events of the night before. I had to apologize to Jake. I'd made a fool of myself.

_How the hell did I get home? Edward. Shit. What the hell did I say to him?_

Was he the one who brought me home?

I sat up from my bed too quickly, wincing as the room spun around me. I was still in my dress, but my shoes were sitting neatly paired at the side of my bed, causing me to laugh at the thought of Edward helping me into bed. I cringed...Laughing wasn't a good idea. It made my head hurt even more.

Edward had been in my room. I had dreamt that scenario so many times before, and now I couldn't even remember how it happened.

I panicked on a major scale as I glanced around the room. I hoped he didn't turn my bedroom light on when he brought me home. But then I remembered that I had long since put away all of the things that had something to do with Edward, partly because I didn't want the reminder, and partly because I didn't want to run the risk of my parents finding anything.

As I turned to check the time on my clock, I noticed a torn, single piece of paper sitting on the pillow beside me. Weighting it down was an object Edward had bought me. It was a crystal sunflower he bought me from a market we'd gone to in New York.

I'd told him they were my favourite flower, simply because nobody else liked them. They got my pity vote. So he bought me it. How freaky was it that he had picked that up out of everything to weigh down a piece of paper? Before I focused on the words, I could easily make out Edward's handwriting, slanted in one line across the page, and my heart thudded painfully in my chest at the memory.

_I awoke with a painful light searing through my eyelids. I knew exactly where I was, and I smiled, but I still didn't want to open my eyes too soon. I brushed my hand across the bed beside me, panicking when I felt nothing. My eyes shot open immediately and scanned the room._

_The sheet was crumpled, and the duvet had been protectively tucked in around me when Edward had vacated the bed. _

_I smiled at Edward's antics and wondered where he was. My smile grew as I noticed a small piece of paper lying on the pillow Edward's unruly hair had graced before I fell asleep. Picking it up, I unfolded it carefully and read the simple lines written in his elegant handwriting._

_You look beautiful when you sleep, use whatever you need while I'm out getting you a surprise..._

_I love you, E x_

_My heart thudded erratically in my chest as I read the end again and again. The night before had been the first time he said it, and I honestly thought my heart would burst at the sensation. He'd murmured it so quietly in my ear as he held me close, that I thought I had imagined it. _

_I had no idea how I came up with the courage to ask him what he had said; I guess I needed to know for sure. He turned me around in his arms to face him, and smiled that crooked, jaw dropping smile. To my delight, he repeated it. _

_"I love you, Bella Swan." _

_I wasn't embarrassed at the time, but when I thought back on it, I blushed at the fact that I had practically launched myself at him. _

_He had just laughed throatily, and held me tight as we kissed passionately on his bed. Nothing else happened. Nothing else needed to happen. It was the way we were; I didn't need to sleep with him to know how I felt. My heart squeezed in my chest, it was my last day. I had only a little over seven hours left with him before I had to head back home._

_I was still sitting in the middle of his bed, crying pathetically, when he came back home. He called my name a few times, but I didn't answer. He opened the bedroom door and peeked through the crack. From the corner of my eye, I saw him straighten up and hurry across the floor when he noticed I was upset._

_"Bella, what's wrong?" His strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me into his lap as he rocked us back and forth. I was just desperate to be as close to him as I possibly could. _

_"Baby, please tell me what's wrong. I can't fix it if I don't know what it is." His voice was soft and soothing, helping me calm down. His hands started rubbing soothingly along my back._

_I shook my head slowly, but held him close when he tried to pull away._

_"I'm just being silly, I'm glad you're back." I tried to make it out like I was upset because he wasn't there, but I wasn't sure he bought it. Even so, he kept his thoughts to himself like I knew he would, and continued to rock us until I was back to normal._

_"I love you," he whispered. He pulled back, cradling my face in his strong hands and looked straight into my eyes._

_"I know," I replied. I realised that I hadn't said it back, but for some reason I couldn't. "Please don't say it again. It'll make it all harder." I held my breath, knowing that what I was asking was ludicrous._

_"How about, I hate you?" I giggled lightly and smiled when he joined in, glad that he understood. After a few more minutes of cuddling, he spoke up again, "I know you hate surprises, but how about we get on with today?" I pulled away and nodded at him, blushing when he pulled me in for a deep kiss._

_"Can I take a shower?" He kissed me once, twice more, and nodded with a smile on his lips. There was something contagious about seeing Edward happy. Knowing everything he had been through was enough to let me know that a smiling and happy Edward was something to cherish. _

_I raised my hand to his face before either of us moved, and traced a line under his eye, noting the lines that were only ever visible when he smiled. Then I moved down to his lips and traced them across there as well. He smiled, looking at me with confusion._

_"You make me happy." He smiled genuinely, and I felt the tears sting at my eyes again. A tear betrayed me and ran down my cheek, and Edward brushed it away immediately._

_"I hate you." I pecked him once more on the lips, got up, and walked into the bathroom, noting the wide grin on his face before I shut the door and turned on the shower._

His note was cute.

_Sweet dreams and I hope you know I had to battle a tree to get out _

_E x_

Not romantic, but still Edward. What was I expecting? He wasn't going to write me romantic poems, when he thought he'd only known me for twenty four hours. I smiled at the little smiley face at the end before I started to worry.

The irrational side of me had me at my bedroom window checking for any indication that Edward hadn't made it down the tree; a branch fallen off, or even Edward himself, sitting on the grass with a broken leg. I opened the window and leaned out, just so I could check the area directly under my window and laughed when I found nothing.

The sound seemed so much louder in the quiet morning air, and I blushed. As I looked down again, I noticed my dad was standing beside his SUV watching me with a smile on his face before he climbed in.

"You okay there, Bells?" He shouted up at me and I blushed again.

"Yeah, Dad. Just a strange compulsion, you know the ones." He laughed lightly and hoisted himself up into his car.

"Have fun at school, sweetie," he called out before closing the door and driving off.

It wasn't until he was gone that I realised I had no idea what my dad was working on. I didn't really know much about my parent's lives over the past few months, and I felt the guilt wash over me as I recognised how distant I had really been from them. They knew nothing - just as much as Edward.

I stopped that thought in its tracks, knowing it would be too painful to carry on. I only had an hour before I had to be in school to talk to the principal, so I threw myself in the shower and tried to wash away the shame from the night before. I swigged down two Tylenol's with a glass of water, threw my hair up into a pony, and made my way downstairs, having decided on a hoodie and a pair of jeans. _That_ was my usual.

"Morning, sweetie." Mom's voice floated over to me from the kitchen, and I sighed. I was hoping she would be in bed with a hangover as bad as mine.

"Hey, Mom." I poured myself a glass of water and gulped it down, trying desperately to quench the sudden dehydration.

"Oh, sweetie, you look terrible." She raised the back of her hand to feel my forehead, and I flinched away from her touch - a reaction that didn't go unnoticed by her. I almost felt bad for the disappointment that washed across her features - almost.

"I have to get to school." I pushed past her and headed for the door, grabbing my backpack from the floor.

"Try and have a good day, sweetie," she called out after me. She was standing in the front doorway, watching me make my way to my truck.

It was far too bright outside, and it made my eyes ache as badly as my head. That was the difference between my mom and dad. He told me to have a good day, my mom said try. She knew there was something wrong, something had happened that she didn't know. She knew I was going through something she couldn't comprehend, no matter how hard she tried.

I didn't tell her, because I knew she'd be disappointed in me; upset and angry at my behaviour. That was not something I wanted to go through any time soon.

I hopped up into the cab and slammed the door shut. As the engine rumbled to life, I set off down the road, not bothering to look back at my mom. I should have been worried that I didn't want to spend time with her or even look at her, but I also knew it was something I had to work through on my own. They would send me back to the doctor - my psychologist to be exact. I didn't want to have to deal with that either.

My ride to school was quiet, as usual. The radio in my truck had been broken for quite some time, and I had never bothered to get it fixed. Jake had told me he liked to work on cars, he might fix it for me. I hoped it would be the perfect guise under which I could go see him.

In the other sense it was quiet, because no one else was sad enough to be making their way to school at that time in the morning. My mom was a teacher, and she hadn't even left the house yet.

I sat in my truck, flipping through my Biology text book until I decided enough time had passed. There was only half an hour left before the start of school as I grabbed my bag and locked up the truck.

As I made my way across the parking lot, I jumped as a silver Volvo sped past and into the same spot as the day before. My stomach hit the floor when I realised it was Edward. I ignored him to the best of my ability, even when he jogged over to me and lightly fell into step beside me. Obviously I lost that battle whenever he said hi.

"What do you want, Edward?" I kept my tone clipped. No emotion was better than too much.

"Well, I thought seeing as I was being dumped, I might as well be here to find out who else I'm getting." My heart thudded in my chest at his choice of words, but I managed to swallow down my panic.

I turned to look at him and smirked. "You look like hell." It was amusing to find someone who looked as bad, if not worse, than me. Edward had always looked entirely too good to be human.

"Yeah, well, there's this girl." I snorted, clapping my hand over my mouth at the unwanted sound.

"As I was saying, so we had a bit of a late night, if you know what I mean, then at the end of it, I got attacked by her tree and had to walk home..." I laughed freely, enjoying the fact that I was laughing at all.

"You didn't walk it home, did you?" I sobered up quickly at his admission.

"Yeah, but it gave me time to think anyway." He smiled, looking towards the school building.

"What aren't you telling me?" His head snapped around, and I realised I had "read" him too well, just like I had the day before.

"Maybe when we're friends, I'll let you know." I shook my head at his attempt to change the subject, and blushed as he held the door open for me. "What, don't guys hold doors open for you?" And we were back to the annoying observations.

"As a matter of fact, no. Chivalry is completely dead and gone in this town. You should follow Mike Newton's example." I expected some remark, but none came.

"If I want to open doors for you, will you let me?" _Uh, what? _Was there some kind of hidden question in there somewhere? When he got no answer, he went on. "Mike is a creep. You need to stay away from him." Okay. Something had definitely happened there, but I wasn't getting into it in the principal's office.

"Says the guy who snuck out of my room this morning."

We entered the office in single file, our conversation having dropped off.

"Bella, Mr Cullen, what can I do for you?" Mrs. Cope's kind voice interrupted our inner musings, and I turned to find her looking between us with a knowing grin on her face.

"Can I talk to the principal? It's about the tutoring." I blushed, knowing Edward's gaze was intent on me.

"Actually, it's about me, Mrs. Cope. Bella doesn't think it would be appropriate for her to tutor _me._" I turned to look at him incredulously, but he kept going. "I secretly think she has a thing for me, but don't tell her." They both laughed lightly.

_It was only a joke, Bella._ I tried telling myself that, but the humiliation washed over me anyway. Before even I knew what I was doing, I was hightailing it out of the office and along the corridor.

"Bella!" Great. Edward was following me.

In a moment of genius - it had been known to happen - I ducked into the empty girls bathroom, and dropped my bag beside one of the sinks, leaning over it. I turned on the tap and concentrated on the flowing water, for some reason feeling a panic attack setting in. I could do this. I could fight these now.

"Bella?" His voice floated through to me, over the rushing in my ears, and the loud sound of my own laboured breathing. The tears leaking out of my eyes were falling steadily, and mixing in with the water gushing from the tap below me, but splashed onto my arms as Edward pulled me from my spot and wrapped me in his arms.

"You're okay, nothing's going to happen, Bella. You're okay." His right hand started tracing circles into the middle of my back, his left rubbing a constant path up and down my right arm, and his soft words kept washing over me until I felt my breathing begin to even out.

His familiar, and unchanged, Edward smell enveloped me in the small space, and just for that moment, I didn't care. I brought my arms out from the case I had around my chest, and trailed them up Edward's back, pulling me closer into him.

We stood in complete silence for what felt like hours, but were one of those moments that probably barely even lasted five minutes. I eventually made a non-committal sound and tried to push our bodies apart. Edward's grip on me lessened, but even when he stepped back, his hands were still on my shoulders, and I cursed myself for relishing in the slight comfort it brought me.

"Bella? What happened? I mean, I know what that was, I've gone through enough of them myself, but...what brought it on?" He looked almost terrified of the answer as I looked up at him, and the thought of blaming him just to make him feel it passed my mind, but I agreed with myself that that was simply cruel.

"What gives you the right to talk about me like that, Edward? You just humiliated me for the sake of a simple laugh." I pointed my left hand in the direction of the principal's office, and I noticed with amusement that Edward's eyes very nearly followed it.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, Bella. Here I am trying to get you to like me more, so that you'll tutor me, and I keep fucking things up." He slumped back against the white tiled wall, and I smiled a little on the inside.

"Edward, you don't need me to like you more, I..." _I love you._

"No, you don't get it. I do! I do need you to like me, and fuck if I know why, Bella! It's driving me up the fucking wall feeling like this, but there's fuck all I can do about it." Edward looked startled by his little outburst.

"I know you know fuck all about me, Bella, but I need this. I don't know why, and if you knew, you'd understand just how much I don't know why. I haven't felt like this before, this like...fucking insane need for something to be a certain way because it's fucking meant to be or something! I know I'm not making sense, but I can't fucking even explain it! I'm sick of all of it, but there's nothing I can do, Bella. I just...I guess I'm asking you to help me..." He shoved his hand aggressively through his hair, and I watched it until it emerged from the other side.

Why was my resolve beginning to disappear completely? There was no way I could do this. Seeing him every day was hard enough. I didn't think I could spend that much time with him. But then I thought of the flip side. I had been happier - and sadder - in the past day, than I had in four months. That had to count for something, right?

Edward was watching me quietly as I quite obviously warred with myself. His green eyes took everything in, and when he looked me up and down, for the first time, I welcomed his attention. I didn't even blush. Like I said, I had never denied him anything.

"I..." I saw his shoulders slump at my one word, and I stopped. I guess he was expecting rejection again.

"I guess I could give it a shot." His responding smile almost made all the pain worthwhile.

I wasn't shallow enough to think that I was making him happy. He had told me thousands of times before that I was the reason, but he was a different person then. Sure, I felt exactly the same way, but he didn't. I was going to have to keep telling myself that.

The bell shrilling brought me out of my reverie, and I noticed Edward was standing up straight with his hand held out to me. It wasn't until we were back in the corridor, with students milling around us that I realised how it would look, walking out of a girls bathroom at the same time as Edward.

And fuck my life. Lauren and Jessica just so happened to be clicking their way past.

I smirked and even did a happy dance inside when I saw Lauren's jaw go slack. I looked to my left to gauge Edward's reaction, happy to find he had noticed and was laughing, without even bothering to cover it up.

When he wandered in the direction of Biology, I didn't hesitate to follow him closely. Lauren simply stood there, with a sneer on her face, waiting for me to pass her, so she could walk along behind us, bitching the entire time.

I could have sworn, however, that Jessica smirked in my direction, and she nodded. The universal sign for "nicely done" if ever there was one from Jessica.

"I'm guessing that's Lauren and Jessica?" Edward stood beside our desk, waiting for me to pass him to get into my inside seat.

"Huh?" Yeah, so I was too busy looking at the smile I had missed so much, shoot me.

"Last night...you said quite a bit about Lauren being the bitch, and how I had to stay away from her, and Jessica." I groaned. Sounded like something drunk Bella would say. I blushed as Edward chuckled from beside me, but I didn't look up from my desk.

"You would be helping a guy out if you answered my question." I looked up this time, not even remembering what the question was. "Is that them?" His suddenly flirty attitude and infectious smile had me forgetting my own name. He was smirking at the fact that I was flustered. He was enjoying it too much. I nodded my head and went back to sulking on the desk. "Not my type anyway, but thanks for the heads up," he said chuckling, but he sounded ten times more serious.

I don't know what I was trying to do to myself, but I asked the one thing I knew I didn't want to. "What is your type?" I held my breath for his answer. I think even he noticed.

"That's another one of life's mysteries I have yet to figure out." I had successfully managed to get him back to being a mix between unhappy and frustrated. If I didn't know what he had been through - which was what I had to act like - his answer would have confused me. He honestly didn't know.

His ex - when you pretended like I didn't exist - was blonde. He remembered Tanya, he didn't remember me. I scrunched my eyes up and decided to concentrate on Mr Banner when he finally arrived, giving me a good enough reason to stop our conversation and try to ignore Edward.

Once again the end of Biology came, and I noticed Edward was trying to ask me something, but was having difficulty in phrasing it. That obviously made me panic. I packed my things away quietly, even handing in our assessments to the teacher, before coming back to our desk for my stuff. Our desk...sadly that sounded nice. Like other people say our home, I was now walking around smiling at sharing a desk with the guy.

_Seriously need a life._

"Do you want to come round to mine again later?" _Was that it?_

"To study?" He nodded and caught his bottom lip between his teeth. My eyes were glued to his mouth, and for some reason I remembered Jake.

"I can't tonight, I need to be somewhere."

_I do believe I just lied to Edward._

"Oh, right, um, can we maybe get together tomorrow night, then? Because I have a pop quiz on Friday that I have no clue about." He pointed his finger to his temple and pretended to shoot himself, causing me to giggle at the ridiculous expression on his face. In a quiet class, my laughter rang out, gaining the attention of the students still gathering their stuff. So, of course, one of them had to be Lauren, who was shooting daggers at me. Her glare sobered me up immediately, and Edward turned to see what had caught my eye.

I nearly laughed again at how quickly Lauren rearranged her features when she realised Edward was looking at her. She turned from wicked witch of the west, to angel child in seconds. When he turned back around, he pretended to shoot himself again, this time rolling his eyes as he did so. I laughed louder. Even from the other side of the room, I heard Lauren's exaggerated huff, and I watched in amusement as she stomped out of the class.

"So, hot date tonight, then?" We were out of class and heading towards the lunch hall before Edward spoke again. I hurried along, trying to ignore the looks he received from the girls in our year.

I chuckled. "I wish. I'm taking my truck to the mechanic." Okay, so it wasn't too big a lie, but a lie nonetheless.

"Rosalie?" He was learning things quickly.

"Uh, no...family friend..." I kept my eyes anywhere but Edward, wondering if he was as good at knowing I was lying as he used to be. Thankfully, he never lifted it.

As I stopped beside my locker, the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention. I knew without looking, that Edward had stopped behind me. I slipped all of my books, including my journal, into my bag and slammed my locker door shut, knowing it was the only way to do it.

Ironic, I know, as it garnered me extra attention every time I did it. When I turned on my heel, I gasped at how close Edward was, and obviously blushed at my lack of control over the sounds I made. He was watching me closely, with a glorious smirk on his face, and I held my breath. Neither of us moved as I got caught in his gaze, and my heartbeat quickened to the point of pain.

This would be the moment when he leaned in, brushed an errant piece of hair away from my face, cupped my chin with his hand, and lowered his perfect mouth onto mine. But it was never going to happen, and the hole in my chest, that I naively thought had been starting to mend, ripped open once again, causing me to double over as if someone had just punched me in the gut.

"Bella?" Edward's voice was laced with panic and worry, only making things worse. I only had two study periods left in my day, and although I had never gone home early, even during those times, I planned my escape for the day. It was so out of character for me, but I had an incessant and burning need to get out of there.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I need to go..." I looked up at him, seeing that his face was noting nothing but confusion, and his eyes were full of worry. He tried to reach out to me, but once again, I panicked and I took a few steps back, shaking my head. I turned and headed down the corridor without a second glance, even though I could hear him calling my name.

I was nearing my truck, when my name was called again, but this time I turned towards the sound, needing it more than anything. Jasper's arms encircled me, pulling me into him as close as possible, and I buried my face in his neck, breathing in his scent. He always smelled like the outdoors, reminding me of hot, sunny climates. My safe place. He had always been my safe place.

"Bells, what's wrong?" I shook my head, knowing I couldn't answer, but also that I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was.

"I swear to fucking God, I'm gonna kill him." He started to pull away, but I clung tighter, the sobs breaking out of me. I knew Jasper was being completely serious.

"Please, Jazz, he doesn't even know." I knew I was making no sense to him, but that seemed to be the only thing going around. Misunderstanding and confusion.

"Doesn't know what, Bells? What the fuck is going on?" He pulled away again, but I knew this time he wasn't going anywhere and slackened the hold I had around his neck.

"Jazz, man! What's going on?" A couple of the guys were calling his name from the football field as they ran up to the fences surrounding the grass.

"Just leave me out. I need to sort some shit!" He called back across to them with a wave, and they mock saluted their captain before running back out onto the field.

Without words, Jasper threw his arm around my shoulders, using his height and strength over me to his advantage, and he walked me towards the bleachers. With a wave to the guys on the field, who I noticed had been joined by Edward's older brother Emmett, we climbed a few seats and sat down, where I instinctually curled into Jasper's side.

His hand rubbed up and down my arm, an automatic gesture it would seem, because it didn't really feel like the rest of him was with it. He was as deep in thought as I had ever seen him.

"I know you told me to trust you, Bella. But, he's hurting you. I can't stand back and watch him fucking destroy you again! He doesn't even seem to fucking care!" I placed my hand on his chest, and applied a little pressure trying to calm his temper.

"He doesn't remember." It was the first time I had said it out loud. My voice and heart cracked at the same time,

"Bells, stop making fucking excuses for the guy." I pressed harder on his chest.

"No, Jazz. You're not listening to me." He shut up immediately, and I knew I had his whole attention.

"Remember I said it wasn't my place to tell you?" His head nodded slowly, and his eyebrows knitted together.

"It's not my place to say, but he _can't remember_." I emphasised my last words, hoping and praying that he would get what I was telling him. He was a smart lad after all.

"You mean, genuinely?" I nodded my head, and Jasper squeezed me tighter. He always knew exactly what I needed.

"Fuck, Bells. I'm so sorry." I shook my head against his chest. I didn't want his pity. I had enough of my own. I had been throwing myself a pity party for the past forty-eight hours. And it probably wouldn't end any time soon.

"How are you holding up?" I giggled, simply because it didn't sound like a Jasper question. It just happened to be the question he thought was needed at that moment.

"Jazz, I'm a mess...I think that answers you're question." I chuckled humourlessly.

Not wanting to move, I snuggled into my coat before settling in to watch the guys introduce Emmett to everything that was their team.

The bell for lunch rang quicker than I anticipated, and I watched in near horror as Emmett made his way over to where we were still sitting cuddled up. The closer he got, the easier it was to notice that Edward and Emmett had nothing to link them. He was broader and taller, his hair was blond with noticeable dark brown roots, and he resembled Carlisle in so many ways it was scary.

"Emmett Cullen." He smiled in a goofy way and held his hand out to me expectantly. Jasper scowled at his gesture, but Emmett held his hands up in surrender.

"I only wanted to make the acquaintance of the boss's girlfriend." He smiled again, and I found it was infectious. This was going to be interesting.

"Bella Swan...And we aren't together." I stood up and extended my hand to his. I was tempted to laugh at the shock that fell across his features, but I didn't. Just like Alice, he knew exactly who I was by my name. There was no obscurity from his family anymore, not that there had been much to begin with.

"Shit, I'm sorry...I suffer from it, you know...Doctors have no idea how to help me..." I looked at him quizzically.

"The foot in mouth syndrome...It's okay, though! It's not infectious, or contagious, or anything." All three of us laughed as I shook his hand, but I yelped in surprise as he swept me up into a bone crushing hug.

"It's good to meet you, Em." I smiled genuinely and sank back into my comfort zone as Jasper wrapped his arm around me again.

"Finally!" He bumped knuckles with Jasper, gave a little bow to me and made his way back down to the field, most probably heading to the locker rooms to change.

It was then that I noticed why Jasper had laid his arm around me again. Standing at the bottom of the stand, leaning casually against the barrier, was Edward, watching the entire scene. As my eyes sought out his, I was hit with a cold shiver again. Edward was pissed. Whether he was back to the way he was on Tuesday, was another thing entirely. He wasn't happy with me, though...or the situation.

I watched from a safe distance as Emmett clapped him on the shoulder, gaining his attention. It was Emmett he was there to see after all, so I didn't protest when Jasper started to lead me in the opposite direction to the stairs, as far away from the two brothers as possible. I could feel Edward's eyes on my back as we walked away casually, but I fought the urge to look back, or even run back to him.

"You're okay, Bells," Jasper leaned in and whispered in my ear as we made our way back into the parking lot.

"I think I told him last night that we weren't together...I can't remember." He squeezed me once and kept us walking towards my truck. I hoisted myself up into the cab and turned to face my best friend.

"You gonna be okay tonight, Bells? We could have one of our famous sleepovers if you want." I laughed lightly as I remembered the many nights Jasper had stayed with me, or I had slept in his room.

He had gotten me through my resurfaced fear of the dark, my horrific nightmares, and all the constantly long nights. The more I thought about it, the more I realised how much the boy in front of me had actually done for me.

"I think I'll be okay. I'm taking my truck to Jake now, so I might not be home till late." He lifted one eyebrow in question and smirked. "Jazz, he's fixing my radio! Or at least I hope he will." I giggled lightly as he backed away with his hands in surrender. How many different people had done that to me today?

"If you say so, Bells," he laughed and headed across the lot, clapping along due to the studs on his boots. I slammed my door and rolled my window down when I noticed he wanted to say something else. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" He laughed again before turning and heading to the locker room. My laughter died in my throat as Edward came back into view, closer this time, and definitely close enough to have heard Jasper's leaving remark.

Had that been Jasper's intention? Why did I care what Edward thought? I laughed at myself even asking that question when I saw the look on Edward's face. Of course I wanted him to be jealous.

He looked like he was in pain, confused, hurt, concerned. Everything, sadly, that I wanted to see. I _wanted_ him to be jealous that I would be spending time with Jake, and not him. But, even if I wished it, when he turned and slouched back to his car, my heart sank again. He wasn't going to come over here and tell me not to go, that he could buy me a new radio if it was that important, that he needed me tonight. That was the old Edward. It would be more than a miracle if I ever got that back.

I sighed loudly and turned the engine, relaxing slightly as it revved to life. As Edward's Volvo passed me, I tried a slight smile in his direction, but all I got in return was a blank look. A look that scared me more than anything. One that told me he didn't care at all. Had no feeling at all.

I was surprised that that hurt more than anything. I hadn't realised until that moment that I had been relying on Edward for the past few days. I was surviving on what he was giving me more than I knew.

I fought to keep the tears at bay as I drove slowly down to La Push, not wanting to push my truck on the wet roads. Selfishly, I prayed above everything else that Jake did indeed give me some kind of attention that I needed. Any kind of feeling that I knew wouldn't come from the one person I needed it most. Jake could be a settlement of sorts, but I felt a crushing guilt at using him like that.

A guilt that I momentarily forgot when he looked up at the sound of my approaching truck. I pulled in in front of his garage, and he walked over to my door, opened it and pulled me into a warm hug as soon as I got out of my truck.

Jake's comfort felt different from Jasper's, and I was suddenly craving more.

* * *

**Author's End Chapter Notes:**

**So what did we think? Do y'all still think Bella's making a mistake? What about Jake? Bad guy, good guy? User? Usee?**

**And how cute is wee Jasper Whitlock?**

**Let me know please...there's only a select few of you actually reviewing...I'm sure the rest of you could do it!**

**Review please! :)**

**This is the last of the daily updates I'm afraid... I have a goal of once a week from now on :)**

**If you have any questions or want to know the status of the next chapter then y'all can follow my innermost ramblings on Twitter on LiveInDakota**

**Hope to see some of you there :)**

**xx**


	7. Desperation

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey Y'all! So it took less than a week! How pleased are we?**

**Round of applause for the emergence of Jake who is of course nothing but a gentleman...so far...Jasper is being his usual awesome self...Carlisle is a bit of a prick (in this)...Esme seems a bit stuck up and Renee is just a bitch! Don't forget that this is all from Bella's POV so they might not be all of the above! :P**

**Right so there's a fair bit of hints and subtle reminders in this one, lets see if y'all find them :P**

**So for now...enjoy...I even put a wee bit of E/B flirting in to round it off :P**

**As per it's all Stephenies :)**

* * *

Chapter Seven: Desperation

I'm not a stranger  
No I am yours  
With crippled anger  
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged  
Is misery  
And when our hearts meet  
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in  
I'm tired of feeling so numb  
Relief exists I find it when  
I am cut

I may seem crazy  
Or painfully shy  
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden  
If you would just look me in the eye  
I feel alone here and cold here  
Though I don't want to die  
But the only anaesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in  
I'm tired of feeling so numb  
Relief exists I find it when  
I am cut  
Pain  
I am not alone  
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger  
No I am yours  
With crippled anger  
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in  
I'm tired of feeling so numb  
Relief exists I found it when  
I was cut

**Plumb - Cut**

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

"Hey, Jake." I smiled genuinely for what felt like the first time in days as Jacob set me back on my feet.

"Bells, what's got you away down here?" As he nudged my door shut, he quirked his eyebrow, waiting for an answer.

"I thought maybe you could have a look at my truck? I was kind of hoping you could do something about my radio."

"There was me thinking it was my stellar company you were after!" He scoffed before he opened the door up again and settled himself inside the cab. It was a remarkable sight to behold; I didn't think I had ever seen someone else sit in my truck.

"Jake, did you just use the word stellar? 'Cause, if you did, then I'm definitely only here for the truck." He chuckled long and loud, and the sound brought a smile to my face. Why wasn't it always this easy with everyone else?

_You mean why is it not this easy with Edward?_

"Yeah, sorry. My vocabulary isn't usually that bad," he answered warmly, jumping back down. He turned and headed in the direction of his garage.

I stood awkwardly, not knowing how I should act around him. Should I make myself at home? Barge into his space without a second thought? I didn't know how comfortable he would be with me in his surroundings.

Jacob quirked his head in the same direction asking me to follow him. "In fact, wait! How about you drive up in here. I can work on it, and you can sit in out of the cold...It shouldn't take me long." I smiled at him in thanks, and headed back to my truck.

He guided me slowly, inch by inch, so that the front of the truck was sitting just at the wooden double doors of the garage. He was swallowing a swig of beer when I made my way towards him.

"You want one, Bells?" I shook my head as he set it back down and he fetched me a Coke out of the fridge instead.

"Jake, you're only eighteen. What are you doing drinking beer in the first place?

"Nineteen in, like, ten days...You disappoint me, Bells. You didn't actually forget, did you?" He chuckled, but I blushed. I guess my estimate wasn't close enough. "I'm just kidding, Bells, I wouldn't have expected you to know." He smiled warmly and reached in the cab of the truck, trying to gauge out my radio. I tried not to look as he harmed the truck. He wasn't intending to, but still, _he was harming the truck_.

The thought of him only being a little over a week off nineteen suddenly sank in. He was nearly two years older than Edward. Nearly three older than me, and I had made out with him on more than one occasion. I could just hear Angela squealing "You go girl" at my antics.

I smiled at that, but it didn't quench the undeniable guilt I had deep inside over Edward. Every time I thought of Jacob, I felt I was cheating on Edward. But at the same time, I wanted his companionship and company over anything. I was beginning to crave it, simply because Edward couldn't give me it.

Was that selfish? Wrong? I couldn't decide.

"So, what's life like up in busy Forks then? I'll need to go visit your parents some time. I saw them at the party, but, yeah...they were a little pre-occupied, if you know what I mean?" His voice floated out to me from the truck, and I wondered what he meant as he chuckled.

I had barely seen my parents all night. But then again, I was a little far gone myself. I was completely wrapped up in my Edward bubble - which was exactly what it was. Even when he wasn't around, my brain was focused on him. I was consumed by him constantly.

"School mostly, I don't do anything apart from hang out with Jazz," I said shrugging.

"Well, how about we remedy that?" He hauled himself out of the position he was in, and looked at me expectantly. When I didn't answer he carried on. "Come to dinner with me on Saturday night?" I felt my face flame immediately and decided to focus on my shoes.

No one had ever asked me out before. With Edward, our friendship had simply escalated into more, with no discussion on how it happened.

When I looked back up to him, he was watching me with a strange expression on his face. His ever-boyish grin lit up his face when I nodded my acquiescence.

"Great! I'll pick you up. We can go to Port Angeles for a change. Think of it as payment for me fixing your radio," he said laughing lightly. I could tell my acceptance of his date had made Jake happy, and I smiled.

Was this really what I wanted, though? I mean, I came here searching for attention, but in the end I felt even more guilty. It was a no win situation. Jake could be the perfect guise, I just never thought he would be the one to initiate it.

He worked diligently for almost an hour, while I sat quietly on a crate. Jake got up to shut the doors when the draft was getting too cold to handle, and threw his fleece at me to keep me warm. He was only wearing jeans and a tight navy tee-shirt himself, but when I confronted him he said he was hot enough. Which was true, I might be hung up on a completely different guy, but no one could deny Jake looked good.

He finished up, telling me that it only took so long because the wire he needed to reconnect was frazzled and frayed. I watched as he washed his hands thoroughly and laughed when he inspected a nail. After Jake wiped his hands he grabbed his beer and threw himself down on a similar crate beside me. I could see him observing me closely, but I kept my eyes glued to the tool tray in front of me.

"You're different, Bells." It wasn't a question, merely a statement. One I didn't want to hear.

"I grew up, Jake. I wasn't going to stay the little girl that would beg you to give her piggybacks when you grew tall enough, forever." He laughed lightly, but even though I was the one lightening the mood, I didn't laugh or smile. I _had_ changed. I wasn't even the same girl I was six months ago.

"No, there's something else there. Something that's making you sad, I can see it in your eyes." He pointed the neck of his bottle in the general direction of my eyes before taking another swig. I felt tears sting my eyes at how right he actually was. But I wasn't going to cry in front of him. That was something he didn't need to see.

"Yeah, well, life's a bitch." I forced out a smile.

Jake nodded ruefully, and thankfully didn't question me any further. By the time he finished his beer, I was ready to go. I handed him back his fleece and stood up, immediately feeling the cold.

"I'll see you on Saturday?"

"Yeah...of course. Pick me up around seven?" When he nodded his head with a smile, I curled my arms around his neck and gave him a hug, trying my hardest to appear calm and normal. Normal was going to need a hell of a lot more work.

I climbed into my truck and flicked my radio on with a smile. It would make a difference having some background music to concentrate on. It would be less time in my day when I had to be alone in the silence with my own thoughts. I kept smiling as I backed up Jake's drive, waved one last time, and headed to the highway.

The rain was falling steadily by the time I reached the outskirts of Forks, the weather doing its typical Forks thing. One of the wettest places in the continental US. Joy.

I wondered on more than one occasion, why my parents stayed here. According to Renee, she had threatened to move us all to Phoenix, but it had never happened. I didn't understand why not. Charlie would surely get more jobs out there, and Renee could be a teacher anywhere. We would all enjoy the weather more. What had stopped us before? I guess if Renee brought it up now, I would be adamant on staying. I had always known I would move worlds to be with Edward.

Sometimes I felt that was what I really had to do. He'd always seemed smarter, funnier and more beautiful than I ever had. It always baffled me why a guy so perfect and older, was interested in little Bella Swan. It wasn't as if I could ask him either. "_Remember when we first met last summer? What exactly did you see in me?"_ Didn't think that would go over too well to be honest.

As I passed Jasper's house, Marie waved lightly as she put the garbage out the side of the house. There were no lights on in Jasper's room, which like mine, was at the front of their house, and I wondered where he was. It was unlikely he would be in his living room watching the sport with his dad. They just weren't like that.

All three of the family cars were in when I pulled up in front of the house. As I opened the front door I was met with more noise than was usual for two people. Charlie was sitting in his usual spot in the front room, watching ESPN, and was back to his quiet self as I kissed him on the cheek. I thought about asking him about his day, but I really wasn't comfortable with having a proper conversation with either of my parents.

I wondered where Renee was, but my question was answered by the sound of laughter from the kitchen. Great, she had company. It wasn't a rare occurrence, per say, but I always liked a bit of forewarning. Enough time to make other plans, for instance.

Before I took two steps, a smiling Carlisle came out of my kitchen with two beers in his hand - one, evidently, for Charlie. The Cullens were in my home - again. I was pretty sure that it was only Esme left in the kitchen with my mom, but I still felt the panic setting in. As if sensing my newfound panic, Carlisle smiled warmly at me as he passed.

"Evening, Bella. I hope you don't mind us stopping in for dinner? Esme and I thought we'd rid ourselves of the kids for the night."

Charlie joined in his light laughter, and I felt myself calm considerably. I knew he was answering my unspoken question in the only way he could, without making it seem suspicious. I nodded at him infinitesimally before he sat himself down on the sofa. He smiled warmly again and winked before turning his attention to the TV. I was beginning to really like Carlisle. He was warm and kind. In such a way that it just radiated out of him. No one could deny he was a good man.

"Hey, Mom? Do you want me to make myself scarce for the night? I can probably find Jazz or something..." I trailed off as Esme turned to look at me.

She smiled at me gently, stopping me in my tracks. She was around the same age as my mom and looked every bit as young. She was breathtaking, and I finally got why they had such beautiful children.

My smile vanished immediately, though, as I thought that through. I wondered if any of them knew that I knew. It was unlikely that Edward would have told Alice he had confided in me, so she wouldn't have passed it on. But then she knew how close we had been over the summer, so she might have pieced it together and shared her knowledge. That meant that I knew and Edward didn't. He had forgotten after all.

Esme's face suddenly looked troubled, as if she had heard my thoughts. It was none of my business. That was what I was going to keep telling myself. They weren't my family, and it was none of my business.

"Oh, no, honey, you can join us. Invite Jasper if you want, I guess an even number would be best." She smiled sweetly, and I felt my stomach clench. I really didn't want to sit through a dinner with Edward's parents. But there was a tone in Renee's voice that told me that although she was giving me the choice, I didn't have one. Inviting Jasper it was.

I turned from the room without giving the two women another glance, hearing their conversation pick up again when I left. Would Esme tell my mom what she knew? Would she mention it in passing? Effectively dropping me in it? Would Carlisle? I had so much at stake over this dinner that I was visibly shaking as I trudged down to Jasper's. Nothing good was going to come of our planned night, and I knew it.

Marie had waved at me from the window as she watered some of her inside plants, so I went straight into their house without knocking. Peter was sitting on the end of the sofa, watching the television across the room. Jasper's dad had it on the news and was holding a conversation with Marie at the same time. It struck me, as I watched them interact, that Renee and Charlie rarely did something that simple.

"He's in his room, Bella. Just go on up." Marie smiled warmly, waving me in the direction of their stairs.

As I made my way up the wide staircase, I left behind the noises of the living room, and welcomed the sound of Jasper's guitar playing genius. While he hadn't been in his room before, the sounds were definitely coming from there.

I smiled lightly as I knocked on his door and shimmied in. I didn't wait for permission, and he didn't stop playing from his position in the chair in the corner. It was our way. I sat cross legged on the middle of his made bed and waited patiently for him to finish the familiar tune he was plucking. Not that I could name it. It was just one he always played.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, Bells?" I watched with a smile as Jasper made damn sure not to scratch the guitar as he put it back in its stand.

"Esme and Carlisle Cullen are at my house for dinner, and I need a wingman." I shrugged as if it was no big deal, but we both knew otherwise.

"Shit, do you want me to take you out instead? We could just hit the diner or something?" I shook my head slowly, grateful that he was always looking out for me, even in a situation that seemed relatively normal.

"No, Renee was pretty adamant in her subtle way that we both should be there. Sorry, I kind of dropped you in it." I bit my lip, but was glad when he shrugged it off.

Forty minutes, two equations of Jasper's math homework, and two gulps of his flask later, we were traipsing down his stairs again. I waved bye to his parents as he explained what the deal was, before we headed out into the rain. Not minding the weather, we still took our time in the short walk back to my house, and were fairly soaked as we stepped over the threshold.

We both hung our jackets up on the rack near the stairs, before Jasper grabbed my hand securely in his. I was about to question it, but he just smiled mischievously, dragging me into the living area where all four adults were sitting around talking. Well, Charlie was listening at least.

I had a fair idea what Jasper was up to, so when he announced our arrival with greeting my father from across the room, I watched Esme. I noticed how her eyes flew to our joined hands before back to our faces, and I smirked at the wall behind my father, pretending to be listening to their exchange. Jasper shook hands with Carlisle and nodded politely at Esme, before throwing his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close into him.

I understood what he was doing, but I wasn't too sure of its purpose. I was pretty sure I had told Edward the night before that we weren't together. But for the time being, Edward's parents' knew of my situation with their son, and assumed I had moved on to Jasper.

"Right, well, dinner is ready, so everybody into the kitchen." Esme laughed at Renee's tone, making me squirm in discomfort. I really didn't want those four to be friends. Selfishly, it would be really bad for me. Jasper squeezed me gently, and I hugged myself to him as we headed to the kitchen.

"You gonna manage this, Bells?" I shivered as he whispered in my ear, but it was loud enough that I looked around. Renee and Charlie were already in the kitchen, but Esme and Carlisle were right behind us.

"We've been through worse." He smiled gently, a grin that didn't erase the worry from his eyes, as he sat opposite me at the dining room table. With my parents at each end, I waited to see which Cullen would sit where. Somehow, they decided that Carlisle should sit beside me and Esme beside Jasper, but I wasn't planning on being very social anyway, so what difference did it really make?

Our meal consisted of all the "adults" discussing their jobs. Esme, it turned out, had already accepted a job in Seattle at a major decorating firm as head interior designer. It was such a job that she could work from home when she wasn't on location and found that she loved being a stay at home mom. I tried desperately to disguise the snort I replied with, but everyone turned to look at me.

I hoped I managed to cover it with a fit of coughing, and my parents bought it as my face turned red, and I finally stopped choking. Esme, however, looked nothing short of heavily put out, and I realised how rude I had been. I had a description of these two from Edward, who at the time wasn't exactly on speaking terms with them. I had to make some semblance of an effort.

"Are you enjoying the hospital? I haven't been there in a while." I directed the conversation at Carlisle, catching the smile from my mom at my input. This time it was Jasper who snorted, and all eyes flew to him.

"Sorry, I'm laughing at Bells. I forgot how long it's been. She's usually there every few weeks." Everyone chuckled, and I internally thanked Jasper for voicing his reason. Insulting both the Cullens would not be a good place to be.

The rest of the conversation flowed easily around the table. I didn't say much, but it at least looked like I was interested in being there, and I smiled when Jasper charmed everyone with his usual personality. My mom was dishing up the cheesecake that she had bought - not made - when she casually mentioned we were going to Esme's for dinner on Saturday night. Jasper immediately growled and nearly choked on the water he was sipping.

"Oh, I can't," I said dismissively. _Thank God for Jacob Black._

"Why not, sweetie?" Renee's voice was as sweet as sugar, but I could hear the accusatory tones in there, and so could Jasper. He turned his grimace to her as she condescendingly patted his back, making out she was concerned for his near choking to death.

"I have a date on Saturday night. I'm going to Port Angeles." I would have laughed at the way her eyebrows hit her hairline if I knew I would get away with it.

"Do we know this boy, Bells?" Charlie spoke up for the first time in a while, and I turned to look at him, noticing that he didn't seem too pleased.

"Yep, Jake is taking me for dinner." His face immediately softened, and I knew that I had won him over.

"Guess I'll be inflicting my company on someone else on Saturday night then, huh, Bells?" I laughed at Jasper, but it was cut short when Renee rested her hand on my arm.

"Jacob Black? Charlie, are you sure that's a good idea?" And we were back to being a little more than patronising. I snatched my arm away a little too forcefully, garnering the attention of Esme, and prayed that Charlie would rescue me on this one.

"Of course, he's a great boy. I actually forgot he was back in town." He nodded, as if to his own thoughts, and I jumped in, trying to make things smoother.

"Oh, I forgot! He said today he was going to try and pop up and see you." The smile that spread across my dad's face was genuine, and I smiled in return, jumping when Jasper nudged me under the table with his foot. When I looked to him he had a knowing smirk on his face, causing me to blush and inspect the plate in front of me. I was pretty sure Carlisle caught that as he reached past me for his own plate from Renee.

"He's a good lad, that one. You make sure he brings you home, Bells?" I nodded and smiled in victory, something that would have just looked like a happy daughter to him and everyone else around the table. When I looked back to my mom, though, I could tell it wasn't over. Of course, she wasn't going to make a scene in front of her new friends, though.

The plates were cleared away quietly, and Renee, Esme, and Charlie retired to the living room for a few drinks. Carlisle headed up the stairs to the bathroom while Jasper and I decided to stay at the table. We were in the middle of a childish game of snap when Carlisle popped his head back in. He about turned - to head to the others - but my voice was calling him back before I realised.

"I'm going for a smoke...Not that I smoke or anything..." Jasper stuttered as he realised what he had just said in front of Carlisle.

"Doctor-patient confidentiality, Jasper." Carlisle held his hands up with a chuckle, and Jasper ducked out the back door. "What can I do for you, Bella?" What did I want to say? I wasn't sure if I should be snooping or if I was going behind Edward's back. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to know. "You have every right to know, Bella, what is it?" I smiled as he answered the questions in my head.

"How bad was he?" My voice got smaller as I thought about Edward's pain. _"We're connected somehow, Bella. Don't ever forget that."_

"They had to cut him out of the car, and then airlifted him to the nearest ER. He lost a dangerous amount of blood, his broken ribs punctured his lung and his left leg was shattered because the bone was broken in so many places. They thought he might never walk properly again. It's hard to think about, but he's lucky to be here at all." I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped away my tears as I took in Carlisle's appearance.

"I'm sorry. I guess I didn't think you wouldn't want to talk about it." He shook his head, his demeanour lightening at the movement.

"No, I'm okay. Like I said, you have every right to know what happened," he answered softly, his eyes were full of nothing but warmth, making me feel worse.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I judged you before I met you." I watched from my perch at the sink as he pulled out a bar stool and sat himself down.

"He told you didn't he?" I nodded my head, unsure if he would be angry or not.

"That was the reason he was in New York in the first place, Carlisle. I guess it was inevitable that he tell me." I smiled at how close we had actually been. Maybe I had forgotten how good it really was.

"I'm glad you were there for him, he needed someone. You made him happy." My knees buckled and I had to hold myself up.

"When...I mean, will he...you know, remember?" Carlisle's eyes softened as he looked at me properly, trying to hold myself together. When he shook his head, I covered my face and let out a sob.

"I don't know how long it will take, Bella, but it will come back." My heart lightened a little. "It's been nearly five months, and he hasn't had anything yet, but we hoped that having you around would be better." I nodded my head.

"Carlisle, I've already told Alice and Edward that I can't help. I'm tutoring him 'cause I doubt Principal Greene will find someone else. But that's it. I can't be around, or help him out. It's not fair." This time he nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry we landed this on you, Bella, but we thought you'd want to help him." Something in me snapped as Carlisle stood up to leave.

"No! You do not get to say that to me! You have no idea what I went through in September! Don't put this on me and act all innocent! I can't put myself through that, and I won't let you guilt trip me into it."

At my sudden shouting, Jasper was in the door in a flash, gathering me up into his arms.

"Bells, don't. He's not worth it. No stress, remember?" Jasper started rocking me back and forth, talking into my ear, but for the second time that night Carlisle had heard him.

What started off as astonishment that I was shouting at him, turned into confusion and concern at Jasper's words. He was a doctor. My heart fell to the floor as I realised it wouldn't take him long to figure it out.

"I'm sorry, Bella...I guess that was out of line." I looked up from Jasper's shoulder to see Carlisle shove his hand through his hair, and I smiled at him. He raised his eyebrows in question, probably thinking I was bi-polar.

"Edward does that, I guess he got it from you." Carlisle's eyebrows rose just a little bit more at my comment as I tried to put things back together. I buried myself into Jasper, who was still subconsciously rocking us back and forward on the spot.

I didn't look up to see Carlisle leave the room, and only reluctantly headed to the front of the house when Renee told us to see our guests out. There were no hugs or cheery goodbyes from either Jasper or myself as I watched them leave. They both promised my parents would have a great time on Saturday night. The second their car peeled out of the driveway, Renee rounded on me with an expectant look on her face.

"What's all this about a date on Saturday night, Isabella? You should know better at your age than to be rude in front of guests." Oh, okay, so she thought I was lying. Well, the thought had crossed my mind. The use of my full name didn't escape me either.

"I wasn't lying, Mom. Jake asked me earlier and I said yes." I returned my attention to the sport that Jasper had flicked the television on to.

"Since when do you go on dates?" I had a feeling she wasn't going to give up her rant anytime soon, and internally thanked Charlie when he intervened again.

"Renee, just drop it. She's capable of making her own decisions. If she wants to go out on a date with Jacob, who I might remind you, has always been a good friend of this family, then she can." I battled the smirk that overtook my lips and lost, causing me to hide it in Jasper's shoulder, who in turn laughed lightly at the expression on my face.

Renee silently made her way into the kitchen and started clattering around, her only way of showing her pissed off state without causing an argument. I wasn't much interested in what the guys were watching, but I knew if I went to my room, my mom would pounce. Anywhere alone in the house for that matter, so I kept myself tucked into Jasper's nook.

The phone rang around an hour later as I was preparing to go up to bed. Renee answered it as usual, but I nearly fell over when she shouted that it was for me. Jasper was beside me, about to go for blankets and pillows for our sleepover. No-one else _ever_ phoned for me.

I took it off Renee, who was standing holding it with a satisfied smirk, and waited until she was back in the kitchen before answering it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bella?" My heart rate picked up immediately at the tones floating down the phone towards me.

"Edward? Why are you calling me?" Even I cringed at the shortness of my tone, and I heard him sigh quietly on the other end of the line.

"I was wondering if I could pick you up for school in the morning...I mean, that way I could bring you round for our study session and then take you home again..." His voice had an edge of nervousness around it, and I couldn't help but melt a little at the sound.

When had I ever heard Edward nervous? He had always been the big, hot-shot, cocky Edward Masen when I knew him. Nothing like this. Why not give him some extra points for trying. He sure was stubborn.

"Edward, that's really nice of you, thanks...but Jasper's taking me tomorrow 'cause he's staying the night." Shit, too much information.

"Uh, right, no bother...Well I can still take you from school, that's no problem." I smiled despite myself, knowing that I was getting into dangerous territory. Talking to Edward, and not seeing him, was mightily easier than face-to-face. My heart could actually take it for a start.

"Thanks...Will I just meet you at your car?" He chuckled a little, and I wondered why.

"Why, Miss Swan, have you been stalking me?" I blushed at the new sugar in his tone. Was he trying to flirt with me?

"Edward, you have one of the flashiest, albeit nicest cars in the lot, it's kind of hard to miss." Never mind how hard he was to miss.

"Nice? Is that all I'm getting here, Swan...I'm sure you can do better than nice!" I laughed lightly, and it sounded strange, even to my ears.

"Okay, so it's a hot car, Edward, okay? You happy yet?" My face flamed, and I once again said a thank you that we were on the phone.

"Not quite, Swan, but I'll take what I can get." He chuckled lightly, but suddenly things were a little too awkward.

"Look, Edward, we're just heading to bed, so I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I wasn't trying to make him jealous, I just seemed incapable of saying the right thing.

I wanted to spend more time with Edward, so badly. Even if it was only fifteen minutes in his car at each end of my day, I wanted it. But I was hurt, and while it wasn't Edward's fault for being in a car accident, or for anything that had happened since, my heart just wasn't ready to jump in head first.

I never imagined I would ever say it, but with Edward, I needed to take small steps. Going around to his house to tutor him was enough turmoil for me for one day. I didn't want the added strain on two car rides.

I heard the change in Edward's tone. All the happiness that had settled over me at our flirting, evaporated. It was my fault, I hadn't meant it to sound like that.

"Yeah, right, cool. Bye, Bella." Before I could answer, the line went dead, and I was left with a buzzing receiver in my hand.

"Who was that, Bella?" My mom's voice had lost all its iciness. She knew perfectly well who it was.

"Uh, you know, one of my growing fan base." Jasper chuckled as I made my way back into the living room.

"Gonna be beating them off with a stick before long, Bells" He laughed loudly as Charlie grumbled something like "over my dead body" behind him.

I pecked my dad on the cheek and said goodnight, heading up the stairs behind Jasper. I threw a wave at my mom, and continued on my way. She wanted gossip, news to spread, but I was under no illusion that she was genuinely interested in me. It was pretty self-explanatory how the Cullen's got our house number when we weren't in the book.

For some reason, I had a bad feeling about it all. Something was telling me that Renee knew more than she was letting on, and if that was the case then I was going to have to be careful. She usually has my best interests at heart, but I also knew fine well that she could hold a grudge even against her own daughter. If she had somehow found out about Edward's and my summer, _all_ of my summer - including once I got back home - there was no doubt in my mind that she would pretend to help while making my life a living nightmare.

I felt my skin prick at the thought that I would have to start watching my back from my own mother. In my own home. That thought clouded over me as I got ready for bed and climbed in under the covers, watching Jasper get himself comfy in the Jasper sized space to the left of my bed. He had spent so much time there over the past few months, that it was now officially his spot.

He didn't stay there long. What felt like minutes after falling asleep, he was waking me gently from a nightmare. He had to climb into my bed when the shaking wouldn't stop as I tried desperately to keep my crying soft. My parents knew about the nightmares, for the first two months, after that they sent me to a shrink. I hoped they thought they were better. I had no way to know for sure, but they hadn't mentioned them in the past couple of months. That generally told me that they hadn't heard or noticed my practically non-existent sleep.

I fell asleep again in Jasper's arms. Not the arms I wanted, but definitely a close second. When Jasper rocked me to sleep in the first months, I dreamt it was Edward who was holding me, whispering quiet words in my ear, rubbing soothing circles on my stomach. But when I awoke, it never was him. It was never going to be him.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Sooo? What do we think?**

**Who caught the hints? What on earth happened to little Bella Swan that had Jasper being the knight in shining armour eh?**

**As always please review...I love you guys who never let me down :)**

**Find me at LiveInDakota on twitter :)**

**xx**


	8. Progress

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Welcome back y'all :)**

**So the last chapter was a little bit of a filler...but...EPOV! I think I have mentioned before how much I love writing from our Edward's brain :)**

**So here is nearly a whole 9000 words from the main man himself! The longest chapter yet and I really hope y'all like it :)**

**Wee mention of _Gotta Luv The Vamps _who helped a heap with this chapter :) It makes sense thanks to her :):)**

**Twilight belongs to S.M :(**

* * *

Chapter Eight: Progress

Here we go at it three years later  
Will you help me to dream it all up again?  
Tired of the same song everyone's singing  
Rather be lost with you instead

Don't you come around here, come around here anymore  
Dragging my fears, dragging my fears out the door  
All I have, all I have, all I have, well you know it's yours  
Every breath, every step, every moment I'm looking for  
All I have, all I have, all I have is yours  
And you watch my heart break a little bit more  
My heart break a little bit more, my heart break a little bit more

Is it cold yet in New York City?  
'Round here the trees been blowing off bare  
Everyone's talking about change on the airwaves  
I still got you on my breathe

Don't you come around here, come around here anymore  
Dragging my fears, dragging my fears out the door  
All I have, all I have, all I have, well you know it's yours  
Every breath, every step, every moment I'm looking for  
All I have, all I have, all I have is yours  
And you watch my heart break a little bit more  
My heart break a little bit more

Lord I'm still trying to do my hardest  
So pick us all up from a fall  
Rip a little corner off the darkness  
Just to crack the light, in the middle of it all

All I have, all I have, all I have, well you know it's yours  
Every breath, every step, every moment I'm looking for  
All I have, all I have, all I have is yours  
And you watch my heart break a little bit more  
My heart break a little bit more  
My heart break a little bit more  
A little bit more, a little bit more  
A little bit more

_All I Have - Mat Kearney_

* * *

Edward's POV

I groaned as I opened my eyes and rolled over. It was only five am. Why the fuck could I never sleep? I had no nightmares that night, and yet there I was, wide-awake at a ridiculous time in the morning. To be fair, however, I had at least gotten a few hours, which was a step up from the norm.

I smiled into my pillow as I remembered my late-night call to Bella. Sure, she had to keep reminding me that she was spending her whole night with Jasper. I could feel my grip on the phone increasing as she spoke. But hearing her voice, lighter than I had ever heard it, filled me with hope that maybe, she didn't hate me as much as she made out. She was guarded when she picked up, but it didn't take long for the ice to melt. I even had her fucking flirting with me. Now, that was progress.

Both of my parents had been strangely quiet when they returned from the Swans, but I thought nothing of it. Esme handed over their phone number, saying I might need it with Bella being my tutor. She barely looked at me or Carlisle before she headed to bed, and he silently followed suit.

I had sat on the sofa for an hour, at least, staring at the paper in my hand. It took me that long to come up with an excuse to call her. I needed to hear her voice. The whole "taking her to school" plan was one of my most ingenious. Even our compromise was perfect. It was extra time with her: just the two of us. Time I craved; in a way that made me question my sanity.

Hearing Carlisle pad past my door, I decided I would get up, despite the time. Just the thought of having Bella in my car, her scent soaking the air, had me needing a long cold shower. I threw on my dark jeans and a white T-shirt before descending the stairs, my hair still damp from the shower.

Carlisle was sitting with his back to the door. As usual, he was reading the paper, but there was something in his posture that made me question whether interrupting him was a good idea. Deciding that we didn't ever talk much anyway, I headed straight past him and ran myself a glass of ice-cold water.

Silences between us had always been awkward. Well, since the accident, at least. I wanted him to talk about things I wanted to know, and he simply wouldn't do it. How would you feel if you knew - without a shadow of a doubt - that everyone around you was keeping secrets? Yeah, thought so.

He was watching me as I poured myself some cereal and dug out the milk, and I became a little nervous when he didn't even throw a "morning" my way. I was finished my food and rinsing my bowl before he made any effort to speak.

"Were you on the phone last night, Edward?" I nodded.

"With who?"

"My tutor. I offered to drive her." I kept it deliberately vague, smirking as his pager went off from his right pocket.

_Aw shucks, no father-son conversation this morning._

"Have fun at work!" I threw it over my shoulder without another glance, and headed back to my room.

I pulled out my sketchbook and lay on my bed, plucking a pencil from my bedside table. I flipped it open to the page I was currently working on. Almost subconsciously, my pencil traced the line of her hair once again, giving it more shadow as it lay out of the light.

I had pulled the sight of Bella sitting on Jasper's porch from memory. The party had been a few nights ago, but I hoped I had done it justice.

The hunch of her shoulders or how her slim legs curled under her. The way her dress clung perfectly to her tiny figure and the folding of her arms in a protective stance around her knees. Or lastly, the way her long dark hair swirled around her as her head lay on her arms, picking up in the slight breeze that had been blowing gently.

I sighed. My thoughts had once again strayed back to Bella. There was rarely a point when she wasn't in my head, but in a way, I relished it. I had only known her for two days, and for two days, she was all I thought about. After months of near depression, doctor's appointments, and solitude, I welcomed the distraction that Bella Swan brought me.

I looked at the sketch before me and sighed again. Bella really was beautiful. She drew me in without trying. Her soft, pale skin, her scent, her flowing long hair, her haunted eyes that held so much pain but were capable of so much more. She was beautiful inside and out, guarded, funny, and smart.

I also knew that I wasn't experiencing some seventeen-year-old boy's fascination. I wasn't just lusting after her, because fuck, she had me hard with just one look, but I wanted to _know_ her. What her deepest darkest secrets were, what she was afraid of, what her favourite things were, what made her laugh, and most importantly, if she could feel the same way about me that I was beginning to feel for her. It scared me beyond belief, but it was one of the best feelings I had experienced, and there was no way I was letting that go.

She had to know that I was going to fight for it. She was afraid of letting me in. I could understand that loud and clear, but with the intensity of what I was feeling, I wasn't going to back down that easily.

My whizzing thoughts had quickened the pace of the clock, and it was soon time enough to be heading to school. With Alice riding with Emmett instead, it was peacefully quiet on my trip across Forks. I peeled into the parking lot behind none other than Bella Swan, chuckling as her monster of a truck stuttered to a halt. For some unknown reason I pulled in beside her instead of the spot I had been in for two days.

_Why the fuck is she in her truck? I thought Jasper was bringing her?_

Whether it was the noise of Bella's truck or the fact that I was pulling in beside her, most of the attention around us was centred on Bella. I watched as she flushed crimson at the realization that Lauren and her minions were staring at her, and then had to battle the smirk when she realized they were staring at me heading over to her.

Who the fuck cared what Lauren thought anyway? But then, I didn't want to make Bella uncomfortable, and she usually seemed uncomfortable in my presence. Our strange moment beside her locker floated to the front of my mind. She had doubled over so quickly it wouldn't have surprised me if she had cried out in pain. But there was no visible source to whatever had happened, and before I could make sure she was okay, she was muttering, "I can't" again and hurrying away from me. I fucking hated that phrase.

My breathing hitched as she jumped out of her cab in tight jeans that showed off her perfect legs, and a white vest top that hugged her figure and showed just the perfect amount of cleavage and skin. I breathed a sigh of relief as she threw on a worn dark-brown leather jacket to keep warm, knowing that without all that skin on show, I could probably function a little normally.

"Good morning, Bella." It wasn't until I stopped in front of her and she looked up from her backpack that I noticed the dark circles under her eyes. More pronounced than usual, unaided by the fact that she hadn't a scrap of makeup on. She looked like she had had a very bad night. She didn't answer me, looking like she wanted me to explain why it was a good morning.

"Seems like when I don't have a bad night and actually get some sleep you don't, sorry about that." I shoved my hands in my pockets, chastising myself for once again talking too much. But she surprised me when she giggled and smiled at me.

"Morning, Edward." She sighed my name and the breathy tone made my heart pick up. If only she said it like that in a different situation.

I had to stop that train of thought in its tracks. I was already itching to raise my hand and brush my fingers across the dark purple bruises under her eyes. Fuck if I knew why. I was turning into a fucking chick, and the scary thing was, I didn't even fucking care.

"As a fellow sufferee, I'm here if you want to talk about it." I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about, but as her eyes glistened with unshed tears, I was pretty sure I had hit a nerve.

I turned at the sound of a fresh wave of loud and very close laughter and found that Mike, Tyler, and Eric had joined Jessica and Lauren in the middle of the lot and were getting nearer us.

Jessica was all over Mike and he was fucking loving the attention. I couldn't stand the guy, and I hadn't even talked to him. Tyler and Eric seemed okay, Emmett had gotten on well with them at team practice the day before, and they didn't really seem into whatever the fuck was going on with the rest of the group. They were hanging about, leaning against the side of Tyler's van, looking like the only normal, non-sexually charged ones there.

"You can join them if you want, you don't need to stay with me." Bella's quiet and vulnerable voice could break through to me in any situation, and I turned back to find her biting her lip and looking at the group I was previously studying. I found it incredulous that she genuinely thought I was interested in them over her.

"I'm perfectly happy where I am, thanks. To be honest, they creep me out a bit." I winked at her, trying my hardest to lighten things and it seemed to work, if only slightly.

"I didn't lie to you. Jasper took his mom to the hospital this morning, that's why I drove."

"Bella, I offered to bring you to school, you could have called and told me." She was back to biting her bottom lip and it was driving me insane.

"I didn't want to bother you." She shrugged and looked away.

"You wouldn't bother me, Bella. I promise." My hand was at her mouth and freeing her bottom lip from the vice-like grip she had it in before I realized what I was doing. I smirked at the blush that spread up her neck and heated her cheeks under my fingers. The group of girls behind us had gone eerily quiet, and I knew without checking that we had their attention.

"You sure do garner a lot of attention, Bella." I meant it lightly, but I could see the panic pass across her face as she grasped what I already had. I thought she was uncomfortable again, but she replied unexpectedly.

"I think you'll find that it's you they're watching, Cullen." She smirked and batted my hand away from where my thumb had been resting lightly on her chin.

"Please, Swan. I've only been here two days, and I can say from experience that the guys over there are looking at you and have been since you pulled up." She was about to say something, but I smirked knowing what it was. "And no, it isn't the truck, no matter how much you argue that it is."

"Cullen, you're the hot, new, mysterious guy at Forks High, and most of that group are girls. I think I win this one." I gave her a little bow as I conceded, but my ego was inflating all the while.

_She thinks I'm hot. _

"Now I'm happy."

"Huh?" She looked up at me, squinting, looking adorable.

"Last night you asked me if I was happy when you said my car was hot. Now I am. You just said _I_ was hot." I watched in amusement as the inevitable blush flamed across her face, deeper than anything I'd seen before.

"I...no...That's not..." I win! I did a little happy dance in my head. I leaned down into her personal space with the smirk still riding on my face.

"Like I said, now I'm happy." I heard her breath catch in the back of her throat, and if we had been in any of her romance novels or any number of fucking films, I would have put my finger under her chin, tipped it to me and fucking kissed her like I wanted to. Instead, I stood where I was, happy in my invasion of her bubble, shielding her from the stares of the girls and breathing her in.

Our non-touching, non-kissing, non-anything moment stopped the second the first bell rang. Bella's stance changed almost immediately as she leaned away from me and looked up, her eyes readjusting to being out of my shadow.

"We need to get to class, Edward." Her voice was soft, as if any loud noise would ruin the moment.

I nodded and stepped back, falling into sync with her as she made her way silently to class. I dropped her off at her math class before heading back down the corridor into my own, smiling the entire time.

Math had always come as second nature to me. I was only re-sitting a year because the doctors hadn't been sure I would be able to keep up with a senior year workload. I had tried to argue it, but when they found out I wanted to go to medical school they became adamant. So here I was, doing the same year again, and able to do it all. It was a fucking waste of time coming back a year. I could well be sitting advanced math right now, in Bella's class I might add, and fucking loving it.

English was the same. Only this time I got to sit in front of Bella. I winked at her when I headed towards my seat, delighted that even that could illicit a blush from her. Her face flamed and she immediately studied something in her notes as I took my seat in front of her. Lauren was only a seat across and wasn't exactly subtle in her questioning of Mike. Something along the lines of "what the hell is going on between Edward and Bella? I mean, like, she's not even pretty."

My fists clenched on the table immediately, and I was so fucking close to getting up and confronting her. I couldn't fucking hit a girl, but I was sure I could think of something. Before any action was taken, however, a white slip of paper fell over my shoulder and onto the desk. Picking it up I noticed it was a note, and opened it up very deliberately in the view of Lauren to read it.

_She's not worth it,_ was neatly placed at the top of the page. Strategically? There was enough room for more than one reply on that piece of paper, and I sadly hoped Bella had meant it that way.

_You do realize you just backed up any claims Lauren might have had? _

I threw it back with perfect aim so that it landed, folded neatly, beside Bella's pen and waited for a response.

When one didn't come, I panicked. Maybe I had taken it too far. Maybe she hadn't realized and was now freaked out. I clicked my pen incessantly in impatience as I waited for the class to finish. Not half an hour passed, and I was looking at the clock thinking the hour might be up. The second Mr. Berty turned around to write something up on the board, though, the paper was back on my desk. This time I didn't bother fighting the smile that overtook my face. I could see Lauren from the corner of my eye, making me smile wider.

_It wasn't a love note, Edward...It's sad if that's what it takes for you to think it is._

Was little Bella Swan mocking me? She most certainly stuck it to Lauren; she was craning her neck at this point to see what I wrote. I picked up my pen and laughed at her complete lack of subtlety. Of course, in the quiet class that just gave me more attention.

"Something funny, Mr. Cullen?" Mr. Berty rounded on me with what he hoped was an intimidating glance. It did nothing to me.

"No, Sir. It's just ironic that Elizabeth's primary pride leads to her outermost prejudices, but on the whole, all prejudices throughout the text invite that same sense of pride."

Now, I knew I was showing off, but there was no way I was letting a fucking teacher get the upper hand over me. I knew what I was talking about with this shit. Call me poetic if you'd like, but I was a fucking artist. I breathed this poetic, romantic shit.

This time I did battle the smug look on my face as Mr. Berty looked taken aback at my response. He had been utterly sure he had caught me not paying attention. What could I say? I was pretty good at multi-tasking.

By the time he got his face back in order, most of the class was looking at me with expressions between astonishment and lust. Yes, I could recognize lust in a girl's eyes. Only, I couldn't look around to Bella to see what she thought without being obvious. She was the only girl I wanted to illicit that kind of response from.

"Right, well, yes. Back to this please, class." Mr. Berty himself looked a little flustered, and nearly twenty heads turned back to him with similar mocking glances. I felt sorry for the man, but I remembered there was a note on my desk that needed delivered.

_Touché, Miss Swan. I laughed at Lauren...She's a little desperate is she not?_

Bella reached for it as I passed it back, her warm hand brushing against mine. Taking what I could get, I let my fingers linger on hers as I handed it over.

Fuck, I wished I sat behind her or fucking beside her. Why hadn't I chosen the empty seat beside her? I had worked my way back a row since Tuesday. But with a glare at the previous owner, and a lucky arrival first, I was pretty sure this seat was mine for the foreseeable future. Until I could upgrade another one of course.

I smiled as I heard Bella snort at the exact time Lauren huffed from the desk across from me. I turned and inflicted my best smile on her, watching in silent hilarity as her face picked up and she tried to act all coy. She twirled her finger in her hair before tucking it behind her ear and smiling not-so-shyly over at me. I waited for some kind of response; I was a fucking teenage boy after all, but there was nothing there. Sure, I knew how to flirt, and I knew Lauren was flirting with me, but there just wasn't anything there.

I wasn't sure whether to be freaked out by that or not. After two days, I was completely fucked over Bella. Shit, I really shouldn't put that word in the same sentence as Bella's name. Especially not in class. I fought to control myself as the little, folded-up piece of paper landed in front of me. Just the close proximity of her hand was doing more for me than Lauren's loaded looks.

_She just wants a piece of the hot new guy, Cullen; you really shouldn't lead her on..._

That one stumped me. Was I leading her on? Did Bella want me to initiate something with Lauren? Was I imagining the longing in her sentence that was, in fact, telling me to stay away from Lauren, something she had done before?

_She's not my type; I've told you that before._

I handed it back to her with what I hoped was an air of finality. I was completely hooked on all things Bella, and it felt like a betrayal even to think of Lauren. Anyway, she was an annoying bitch. Harsh I know, but if Bella didn't like her, I guessed she had her reasons.

When the bell rang, I spun in my seat, all my stuff back in my bag, and waited for Bella to gather her things. She looked flustered to have my attention on her all of a sudden, so I pretended to check my phone to help put her at ease. I let her lead the way out of the class, and I walked silently beside her to Biology.

There was nothing to say, but it wasn't awkward. Unlike the awkwardness I felt with my family, with Bella it was just simple, easy, and comfortable. I didn't have to make an effort when I was around Bella, and that in itself was soothing to me when I didn't even know who I was.

Biology passed the same as it usually did. Mr. Banner kept us entertained, so to speak, with slideshows and plenty of note taking, giving us no time for idle chatter or even notes to one another. I did notice a strange static between us whenever he flicked the lights off, and I had to fight to keep my mind off thoughts of Bella and me in the dark.

Once again, if we belonged in some fictional tale, I would have been holding her hand, rubbing circles into her skin with my free hand as we both carried on with our work. Happy and content with the connection between us, and completely at ease with the way we felt. Then I could stand up, help her clear up, and hold her hand as we headed out of the class.

However, none of that could happen, so when the bell rang and the lights went up I couldn't look at her. I didn't want to see what should have been. Instead, I took our shared textbook out to the front, and said a quick bye as I grabbed my bag and headed out.

_Smooth, Cullen, who was hot and cold now?_

The remainder of the day passed slowly and painfully as I waited for the end of it to come. With the same timetable, I practically knew where Bella was every period of the day. When I was sitting safely in an art room, she was practicing her Spanish. When I was blowing things up in Chemistry, she was scribbling away in her Journalism class. With English, European history and P.E the only things I was in her class for, I looked forward to them. Her locker was only around twenty down from mine. Yeah, I counted, so what? And I took solace in the fact that I was never too far from her. Too much for a three day acquaintance? Yeah, probably.

Her table that she sat with Jasper, Angela, and Ben was directly across the lunch hall from the one the "Cullens" now occupied. I chuckled at the collective name we'd already been given. Out of my siblings, I seemed to be the only one without a new group. I had concentrated my time solely on Bella; the others in her group would be just as hesitant to welcome me. Fuck, Jasper hated me already.

I watched as inconspicuously as I could as she interacted with the three around her. She was quiet, even in her own comfort zone. She kept herself turned into Jasper, almost leaning on him constantly. I felt a wave of jealousy hit me, same as the night before; as I realized that I wanted to be the one that she went to for safety and comfort.

Two hours later, I was making my way to my car with a shit-eating grin on my face. Fuck, just thinking of having, like, twenty minutes alone with Bella made me smile. The proof of which was on my face. I had to tone it down considerably as I passed the Bitch Crew - Lauren's lot - so as not to raise any suspicions, but I didn't think I succeeded very well. But then again, she was always watching me anyway.

I stood leaning against the driver's door, keeping a watch out for Bella. I noticed her head bobbing along in the crowd exiting the main doors, and made sure I kept an eye on her the whole way out. She made it most of the way before tripping on a drain at the front of my car. With reflexes quicker than I knew I had, I lunged forward and caught her in my arms.

"Wow, Bella, I know you said I was hot, but falling at my feet?" I chuckled wryly as she squirmed out of my grasp. She baffled me. She would flirt with me like a pro like she did this morning, she'd stick it to Lauren like she did in English, but there were still times when she looked at me as if I was mad to even be talking to her.

"Thanks, Edward." She wasn't rising to the occasion and her voice was back to being small and soft, so I decided to leave it. I followed her round to the passenger side of my car and held the door open for her as she got settled in. She smiled secretly, but I caught it, which was all I needed for now.

I caught the eyes of both Lauren and Jessica as I made my way back round the front of my car. I chuckled at their near gawking and gave them a little wave. I chuckled more as they became flustered. Did they honestly think they weren't being obvious? Girls were so confusing at times. Fuck, Bella was the most confusing of them all.

I slid into my seat, buckled myself in and turned the ignition, loving the soft purring of the Volvo beneath me. I seriously loved my car.

Bella was sitting wrapped up in herself as if she was trying to take up as little room as possible. I glanced at her from time to time, but it didn't look like she was interested in making any type of conversation.

"What are we studying?" Her voice broke through the stiff silence in the car, and I wondered why I hadn't turned the radio on.

"Eh...Euro history...I haven't a clue," I answered with a chuckle as I turned onto our driveway.

"Right. Well, we can concentrate on that tonight...but I'm pretty sure you don't need help with English, so that's one less subject to worry about." She was smirking when I looked back at her, and damn it looked sexy on her. But alas, I had to concentrate on the winding road before us so my eyes flicked back to the windscreen.

If I was being perfectly honest with myself, I didn't need tutoring at all. It had been the doctor's idea. Carlisle had talked to the Principal, not me, and now that I was actually in my classes, I was finding that I wasn't having any problems. But now that I had Bella, I was just going with it.

"Yeah, well." That meant less time with Bella, but I wasn't going to say that aloud.

"What, did you forget showing off?" She giggled lightly, and I smiled, but it felt forced even to me. I pulled the car up in front of the house and turned the engine off.

"No, more like regretting it..." I opened my door as I said it, hoping it was low enough that she wouldn't hear me, but the sigh that escaped the car before I shut my door told me she had.

I walked around with my bag on my shoulder and opened her door for her, surprised that she had waited. I knew it was old fashioned, but it had been instilled in me all my life to be a gentleman. How did Bella know that, though? She had already told me she wasn't used to guys holding doors open for her, never mind opening them.

I shut the door behind her and waved my hand for her to lead the way up the stairs. Either another ingenious idea on my part or a mistake because I watched her ass the entire way into the house like the sexist prick I was. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, though, right? Just like the way I felt about her. I stopped that thought with a shake of my head, and had a severe case of déja-vu as I asked if she wanted a drink. She bit her lip and then shook her head.

"I promise I won't spill it all over you this time." I smiled at her, which I noticed made her blush, something I stored away for a later date. "Come on, we can work in the kitchen." For some reason I held my hand out to her, but then felt like an idiot and shoved it in my pocket. Her eyes followed the whole thing, and it was my turn to feel embarrassed.

I turned on my heel, headed into the empty kitchen with my bag, and got us some ice tea while I listened to Bella pottering around behind me. By the time I faced her; she had her books out in front of her, and was fixing her hair back behind her head. She looked good in my kitchen. I liked her there.

Only an hour had passed when I heard the garage door open. It wasn't Alice, she had said she was going shopping, and it wasn't Emmett because he had another football practice with the team. It couldn't have been Carlisle because he worked all the hours God sent, so that left one person, to which I groaned. Bella looked at me in question, I was supposed to be working through a mock paper, but I put my pen down.

"My mom's home...How about we work in my room?" I hadn't thought she could take it wrong until I had already said it aloud, and I cringed.

"I mean, we can stay here if you want, or work in the living room, but my mom can be a little well...full on." She smirked at me.

Yes, I was stuttering. That was what Bella Swan reduced me to.

"Relax, I knew what you meant. Your room does sound best." She smiled sweetly, a smile that I had to just smile back at.

We were gathering everything up when my mom burst into the kitchen, laden with groceries and looking close to toppling over. I might have imagined it, but Bella seemed to quicken her efforts to get out of the kitchen, and I was sure she was uncomfortable with meeting Esme.

"Bella, my room is top floor at the end of the hallway, why don't you head up and I'll help bring the shopping in from the car." Both Bella and Esme looked at me then, Esme having just realized she had company and nearly dropping the bags in shock. Bella forced a smile, turned on her heel and took as much as she could carry to where I had just directed her.

"Sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to interrupt; I thought you would be at Bella's." I shrugged, not minding that we were going somewhere more private at all. It only took me ten minutes to retrieve everything from the back of Esme's new Dodge Viper and place it in the kitchen.

I grabbed the glasses Bella hadn't been able to manage and headed up the three flights of stairs to my room.

I took my time, not quite believing that I was heading to my room and Bella was the one waiting for me. Not exactly in the way I might have hoped, but good things come to those who wait, right? It had only been two days; patience was a virtue after all. One more flight of stairs, and I wondered what had really happened to Bella in the kitchen, she had completely clammed up.

"Hey, are you okay?" I trailed off and stopped in the doorway to my room as I saw Bella sitting on the edge of my bed.

Although a sight I was glad to see, it was the fact that she was holding my sketchbook that made me stop in my tracks. She looked up at me quickly and put it back down on the bed in front of her. I was about to ask her what she was doing, but then remembered I had left it there, open, when I left for school. Shit.

"Yeah, fine." She sniffed, alerting me to the fact that she was lying. She was fucking crying. I looked closer to see the tears running down her face. Fuck. She was always fucking crying in my company.

"No you're not, Bella. What's wrong?" I put the drinks on my desk before walking closer to Bella, standing in front of her. I waited for her to look up and answer me.

"Is that how you see me?" She nodded her head in the direction of the open sketchbook, and I was stumped. Well, yeah, but she made it out to be a bad thing. Instead, I stayed quiet like the fucking coward I had turned into.

"Do I really look that...broken?" Her voice cracked on the last word, and my heart felt like it did the same. Without thinking twice about it, I pulled her into my arms, surrounding myself in her sweet smell. Taking a deep breath, I finally felt her relax from her stiffened stance in my arms.

"You're beautiful, Bella, not broken. I can see how much pain you're in, but I'm guessing I can't help." She looked up at me with a soft gasp and my breath caught.

Her small, heart-shaped face was only inches away from mine. It would take no effort at all to just lean down slightly and press my lips to hers. The only thing that stopped me was the aforementioned pain behind her eyes, and the tears that hadn't stopped. I couldn't take advantage of a situation like that. She would hate me forever.

I realized my mistake in calling her beautiful, but I couldn't take it back. I didn't want to. I only prayed that I hadn't crossed one of the many invisible lines Bella had drawn between us since we met.

She pulled back from me slowly, her small arms pushing me away slightly. Not with a force that could actually move me, but I recognized that she wanted space and took a step back. I turned and headed into my en-suite, and grabbed a handful of tissues. She took them with a small nod and started mopping at her eyes. Fuck, I wanted to be the one doing that, but once again it would be crossing a line into intimacy that she clearly didn't fucking want.

"Edward?" Just hearing her voice say my name had me feeling funny. That shit wasn't normal. I turned to her with a smile.

"Can you take me home? I corrected your test, you got them all right." She tried to smile, but the attempt looked painful even to watch. Guess our time was up. I fucking ruined it again. That was twice in a row.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

My mom used to always ask me what I was sorry for when I was younger, just to make sure I was genuine, but right then, I wasn't entirely sure. I had this deep, dark feeling somewhere that was telling me I needed to apologize to this girl. I had hurt her somehow, and it fucking frustrated me to no end because I hadn't fucking done anything. Nothing I could consciously think of, anyway. How much could I fucking do in two days?

"It's okay, Edward, I just think I should go home." She was deliberately avoiding my gaze. The realization that she was hiding something from me made something inside me twist uncomfortably. Everyone else in my life was lying to me and hiding things. I really didn't want Bella to be one of them.

I only nodded my head, watching as she gathered her things from around her. I led her back down the stairs and opened the front door for her, ushering her back out into the cold January air. Esme watched from her spot on the sofa as we passed, but I didn't even look in her direction. For some reason I was blaming her for this turn of events, whether it was fair or not.

Once again, Bella slid into her seat without a word, and I did the same opposite her. This time, however, I was pretty sure there would be no conversation. I turned my music on, low enough to just hear over the noise of the road. Bella shivered from beside me, so I reached over and turned the heat up, changing the vents so it would blast gently in her direction. I thought I heard a quiet "thanks," but when I glanced over, she was looking out the window into the quickly fading light.

"You still..." I looked round once more at her voice, but she coughed violently and turned a slight shade of pink. I was about to help her out, thinking she was choking on air or something when she spoke again. "You're listening to Beethoven?" She looked at me shyly, with one eyebrow quirked higher than the other; once again looking adorable. I was beginning to think Bella couldn't look bad to me.

"Yeah...I, uh...guess it helps sometimes..." Well that so didn't sound ominous. However, she didn't question me, only agreeing quietly and looking back out the window.

Moonlight Sonata floated out of the speakers. Without looking around, her small fingers headed to the volume button, and put it up a few notches, effectively surrounding us in the haunting piano melody.

She sighed gently, wrapping her arms around her torso and leaning her head against the cold glass. Something about her in that moment made me think she was in more pain than I first ever realized.

When I pulled up in front of her house, I remembered her truck was still in the school parking lot and that she would need a lift to school in the morning. She made no effort to move from her curled up position opposite me, and I wasn't quite sure what to do.

"Bella," I sighed. What the hell was I going to say?

"Look, my whole family lies to me...Everyone I've ever been close to hides things from me, and I know you don't know why, but if I've done something or if I do something I want you to tell me. I don't want to think you're hiding things too...I just, I'm sick of the lies. Fuck, I just want you to tell me what I did..." I thumped my fist against the steering wheel in frustration, and looked round at Bella who was watching me with sadness seeping out of her eyes.

"One day...I promise." Her small hand reached up, and I sighed in relaxation the second her cold fingers hit my skin, trailing a pattern under my eye and down my jaw. Same as she had done at Jasper's party.

For some reason her concession was enough for me. Even though it confirmed that she was hiding something, I knew I could trust her. I smiled slightly and nodded into her touch.

Her hand fell back to the space between us, and I jumped out of the car to head round to the passenger door. I noticed a shadow at the window, and without looking directly at the house; I noticed that Bella's mom was standing at the window watching us.

For some reason it made me uncomfortable as I opened the door for Bella. She was looking at the house, having obviously noticed her mom, but she didn't move. I crouched down beside her and took her small, icy hand in mine.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Her dark chocolate eyes turned to me and she looked over my face. It felt like she was studying me, as if she was never going to see me again. Not knowing what she was looking for, I gazed back softly, wondering what was going on in that head of hers.

"I don't..." She shook her head, and I knew immediately that she wasn't going to tell me the truth. "I'll be okay...I'll see you in school tomorrow?" She phrased it as a question, and I nodded my head in answer.

"I'm picking you up." I smiled slightly, wanting nothing more than to make her feel better.

"Bella, give me your phone..." I held my hand out between us, suddenly feeling braver than I had all day. It could backfire spectacularly or go the way I wanted it to.

She looked at me quizzically, but handed over the small device anyway, placing it in the middle of my outstretched palm. I programmed in my number, saved it, and handed it back without another word, but her small smile told me she knew what I had done.

"I'm here, okay?"

I didn't need to say any more. She didn't want an overdose of sentiment or mush, so I kept it small. She nodded her head slightly, unbuckling her seatbelt. Stepping out with her bag slung over her shoulder, I closed the door behind her and watched her head up the path, careful not to slip on any ice. I was waiting in case she fell; I wanted to be there for her if she fell again.

With a small smile and a cute wave, she opened her front door and stepped inside, shutting it behind her against the cold. I glanced over to the window to see her mom disappear, no doubt to question her. I felt a knot tighten in my stomach as I slipped back into my car. Why did the thought of her spending time with her own mother worry me? There was so much going on in Bella's life that was either wrong or buried, that I wondered if there would ever be a time that I wasn't worrying.

I chuckled dryly at the realization that there was just as much wrong with Bella's situation as there was mine. We were both battling demons that the other had no idea about, and we were both reserved when it came to our own family. With that epiphany, I wondered if maybe Bella would let me in more easily if I were there to help her.

When I arrived home, I noticed with a sigh that everyone else was too. Even Carlisle's Mercedes was parked in the garage. I supposed that after such an early morning it was inevitable he would be home for dinner.

I could hear all their voices floating from the kitchen, and I made my presence known with shutting the door more loudly than usual. I had no intentions of joining their family conversation and headed straight up the stairs to my room for a shower. I knew I was bitter, but once again, I didn't want to spend time with people who were lying to my face any more than I had to. Yes, they were doing it in my best interests. They had my health as their number one concern. But that didn't make it any easier or make me any less paranoid.

Alice knocked on my door to tell me dinner was ready when I re-emerged from the shower, and I headed back down to the dinner table. I listened as everyone discussed their day, but didn't contribute. It had gotten to the point where they didn't even ask anymore. My parents would both look at me from time-to-time, with concern or sadness evident on their faces, but that didn't make me divulge.

I didn't stick around. They knew I wouldn't, so why disappoint them? I shut my bedroom door behind me, turned on my hi-fi so that Debussy would filter through the room, and flipped my sketchbook to the next page.

With a rich-brown pencil staring me in the face, it was obvious there was only one thing, one person, I was going to draw, but just as I lowered the nib onto the paper, my phone buzzed in my pocket. It was an unknown number, and my heart thudded happily at the possibility.

_Thanks. B x_ was staring me in the face as I lay looking at her message for what felt like hours.

She was giving me her number. She understood that I meant it. With a smile on my face, I picked my pencil back up.

I was suddenly looking forward to the possibilities of the days to come.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**So what did y'all think? EDWARD! I love him!**

**Anyways, I'm a little surprised that none of you picked up on the major bombshell(s) that I dropped in the last chapter! What's going on!**

**But with that in mind...I'm secure in the fact that this storyline may just take you by surprise!**

**Please Review! I want them so badly! ;P**

**xx**


	9. Slipping Away

**Author's Chapter Notes: **

**Welcome to chapter nine of FMN! I'm happy that y'all enjoyed the little insight into Edward's mind in the last one but right now we're back to our Bella and all her pain.**

**So this isn't the longest chapter but it covers a lot of background and goings on that this story needs.**

**I apologize that there isn't much action happening here, but I promise the next one shall make up for it :P**

**As always Twilight and all it's characters belong to Stephenie :)**

**Enjoy x**

* * *

Chapter Nine: Slipping Away

I don't know if I can yell any louder  
How many time I've kicked you outta here?  
Or said something insulting?  
I can be so mean when I wanna be,  
I am capable of really anything  
I can cut you into pieces  
When my heart is... broken...

Please don't leave me  
Please don't leave me  
I always say how I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back to this  
Please, don't leave me.

How did I become so obnoxious?  
What is it with you that makes me act like this?  
I've never been this nasty.  
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?  
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest...  
But baby I don't mean it...  
I mean it, I promise.

Please don't leave me,  
Please don't leave me.  
I always say how I don't need you,  
But it's always gonna come right back to this...  
Please, don't leave me.

I forgot to say out loud, how beautiful you really are to me  
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag  
And I need you, I'm sorry.

Please, please don't leave me

Baby please don't leave me

Please don't leave me  
I always say how I don't need you,  
But it's always gonna come right back to this.  
Please, don't leave me.

Please don't leave me,  
I always say how I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me  
Baby, please, please don't leave me

_Pink - Please, Don't Leave Me_

Bella's POV: Now

It was Friday morning. I was nearly through the first week back at school. Three days of having Edward back in my life. I yawned, stretching my arms above my head and noticed something didn't feel right. I couldn't quite place it, but something just...wasn't there.

I hauled myself up out of my bed, clocking that it was perfect timing for getting ready for school. It wasn't until I was back in my room having showered and washed my hair, that I realised someone else had been in my room. I just had this feeling. What chilled me though, was that it must have happened while I was asleep.

The sounding of a car horn outside the house had me at my window in a flash. Edward Cullen - I had to remind myself that was his name now - the hottest guy at Forks High was outside. Standing, leaning against his car with his legs crossed at the ankles, looking every bit as perfect as he normally did. I smiled despite myself as he looked up and caught me looking out the window. I blushed as his smile took on its crooked personality.

I descended the stairs to my mom waiting, arms folded across her chest, and a smug look on her face. Was there any other in recent days? Apart from pissed off that was. I bypassed her and headed straight to the fridge for a bottle of water before walking back to the hall. This time, however, she was standing right where I couldn't get passed her.

"New friend, Isabella?"

What the hell? My mom had changed to a completely different person in the past few days. Maybe I _was_ bi-polar, maybe I got it from her. Her tone was condescending, and there was disapproval written all over her face as I tried to shimmy around her. No such luck.

"I was tutoring him Mom. My truck is at school, he's giving me a lift."

"You're becoming very secretive these days, Isabella. I don't like it." One hand made its way to her hip, and she cocked her head to the side, as if contemplating something.

"Mom, since when do you call me Isabella? I hate that name, and I told you all about Edward on Tuesday." I was becoming defensive, and she was pissing me off - mostly because she was keeping me from Edward.

"Don't take that tone with me. I gave you that name and I will use it when I want. Now get going, you can't be late for school." She changed to trying to be the stern, concerned mother as she waved me past, but I was too confused to think about it.

Edward stepped forward from the car as I shut the door behind me. I leaned back against it for a second to get my bearings. I knew I was looking at him, but I wasn't really seeing anything. I was becoming increasingly concerned about Renee. There was just something there under the surface, but I had no idea what it could even be.

"Bella?" Edward's soft, honey tone floated through the air towards me, and I focused my eyes in on him.

I sighed, and smiled at the sheer sight of him. His brow was furrowed in the most adorable way, and I wasn't entirely sure he even knew he was holding his hand out to me. He had done it the day before as some sort of knee-jerk reaction, and had then panicked, shoving it in his pocket. This morning though, his eyes flitted from me to his outstretched palm and back to me again.

"Your carriage awaits..." He gave a little bow, and I giggled as he flourished his hand at his car behind him. While being the basis of most of my problems without even knowing it, Edward was the one who brought the smile back to my face. I knew this because just being around him made me happier - if not ultimately sadder too.

I slid into his magnificent car and inhaled the scent permeating the enclosed space around me. His scent. It calmed me to no end, and I found myself wishing I could spend more time like that with him. I thought back to being in his room, all uniquely him, and smiled. I had been so pleased to realize he was still drawing, having been told that he didn't play anymore. But when I saw myself, or rather how Edward saw me, something cracked inside. The portrayal of me was painfully heart-breaking, and it had angered and ashamed me that that was how he saw me.

However, his next words had not been what I was expecting. He had said I was beautiful in the same tone he had always used before. The one that broke down every barrier and wall I had ever put up around me. A change I knew he hadn't noticed, a change he no longer knew to look for.

_"I can read you like a book Bella; I don't need to be able to read minds."_

I didn't look around as he opened his own door and settled himself down in the driver's seat, but it didn't escape my notice that he hadn't even made an effort to turn the engine on.

"Why is your mother watching us?" His voice, along with the fact that he had mentioned Renee, startled me, and I twitched agitatedly in my seat.

"Can we go?" I hadn't answered his question, but he must have heard something in my voice. He turned the key in the ignition, and peeled out of the space he had been occupying in front of my quaint little house. He didn't question me further.

Just like it had been the day before, every eye in the lot was on us as we arrived - or so it seemed. Jessica and Lauren didn't hide their ogling as Edward pulled into the space across from my truck. When the engine was off he didn't leave the car, and it wasn't long before I could feel his eyes on me. What was he doing? There was nothing happening and yet it didn't feel like a friendly silence.

I turned to look at him, and his eyes immediately snapped to my mouth, where I was subconsciously biting my bottom lip. As his eyes narrowed, I released it and grabbed my bag from the floor. Edward's cool hand on my forearm halted my movements. I heard my breath catch in my throat this time, not prepared for the hum of energy between us.

The last time I had been able to disguise it, but with no jacket on, I shivered. I immaturely glared at said jacket that was lying across my lap. I once again looked up at him, but was only met with concern, a look that melted me with little effort. Another thing he didn't know anymore.

"Are you okay?" I was puzzled by his question. No, was the outright answer, but why was he asking me? He didn't know that I was madly in love with him or was guilty over using one of my oldest friends to get some relief. That I was mad at him for forgetting everything, and overall wanting nothing more than to pull his lips to mine and feel the familiarity I knew I would discover in that one significant touch.

"I had another rough night, and Renee was acting a little weirdly this morning, but, yeah, I'm doing okay." I shrugged my shoulders with an attempt at a smile. It was half-true. I had had another nightmare, but this time it was about Edward. For some reason my brain was conjuring up the worst pictures of an accident they could muster, and placing Edward in the middle of the wreckage. For the third night in a row I had awoken crying hysterically, albeit silently, in the middle of the night.

He looked at me softly for a few seconds, and I wanted nothing more than to be in his head. "You want to talk about it?" Now there would be a conversation.

_"Oh I'm just having nightmares about the accident that stole the love of my life away from me. No biggy, they're not as bad as the ones I used to have."_ I nearly laughed at the thought, but managed to reign in my frayed emotions at the last minute.

"Maybe some day."

I smiled a little more this time, knowing I had given him that answer before. Hopefully he would get the significance of what I was telling him. I know I had shut him out at first, but I was willing to "get to know him." He only had to give me the time I needed, however long that may be.

"I'm here," was the only answer I received, but the warm smile it accompanied, ate up my thoughts of the past twenty minutes, and I smiled in return before hoisting my bag up and exiting his car, leaving all his Edward-ness safely inside. He frowned at me over the car, and I nearly giggled as I realized I hadn't waited for him to open my door for me.

As I made my way round the car, my eyes were glued to him. He was wearing another pair of dark jeans and a navy blue hooded top. It was snug with the perfect amount of space so that it wasn't too tight. He looked perfect, but then he always looked perfect to me.

With such close scrutiny, I noticed his whole body tense. I looked up to his face to see that his jaw was set and his eyes were narrowed. I followed his gaze, and felt the nausea creep up on me as I watched Lauren strut her way over to him. I stopped at the front of the car, a few feet away from him, as Lauren stopped before him.

"Hey!" Lauren's nasally voice floated across to me, and I winced as it cut straight through me. My fists clenched at my sides as I watched Jessica giggling with two freshmen at the other side of the lot, her eyes glued to Lauren's little performance.

"Uh, hi?" Edward looked nothing short of uncomfortable, and I found solace in that fact as he looked to his feet.

"I'm Lauren. I just wanted to introduce myself." I couldn't stop the eye roll on my part and folded my arms over my chest, my own way to try and keep my emotions inside. Did it actually work? Sometimes.

"Eh, right okay." Edward shrugged indifferently. I snorted and tried to hide it with a bout of coughing. Looking like he just remembered I was there, Edward turned to me with a smile and held his hand out in my direction. My breath caught, and I eyed it quizzically. When I looked back up to his face, he was almost pleading with me to go along with it. We had been here before.

My chest tightened at the scene playing out in front of me, only in reverse order, and I didn't move. The expression on his face faltered, but Lauren's triumphant grin was the only thing that caught my attention. Pulling myself together, I stepped over to Edward, wrapped my hand around his larger one, and pulled myself into his side.

His scent surrounded me like a warm security blanket, seconds before his arm did the same thing. I melted into his side, resting my head on his chest as his grip tightened around my waist. I was barely managing to breathe as his fingers started tracing circles into my top.

"It was good to meet you, Lauren, but Bella and I should be getting to class." He nodded in her direction impersonally, and towed us in the direction of the main building.

"Thank you," he murmured. His sweet breath fanned over my cheek as he leaned down to whisper closely to me.

"You're welcome, Edward." My voice was small even to my ears. Being this close to Edward was something I had wanted for so long that I wasn't quite sure it was happening. He only wanted me to help him out. I knew he wasn't interested in Lauren, but that didn't mean he was interested in me. And that, above anything else, crushed me beyond belief. What if he never wanted me back? What if he never remembered how he felt? Thankfully, the bell rang as we crossed through the front door.

"I need to go, Edward."

I pulled away from him hastily, knowing that all eyes were still on us. As far as they knew, we were the new couple at Forks High.

Without a backwards glance, I headed off in the direction of my calculus class. I knew Edward's was only two rooms down, hell he had even walked me there the day before, but I was off. I practically ran from him, afraid he was say something else and pull me back in.

Was I afraid he'd put some crazy ass spell on me or something? I was beginning to act insane.

I was asked a question twice by the teacher, and both times I had to ask him to repeat it, simply because my brain was on Edward. His smell, his touch, his voice - everything about him drew me in. It always had. By the end of the period, the teacher was more or less pissed off with me, but didn't mention it further. He knew I was the smartest student in his class, and he knew it had never happened before.

As was the norm, I was at my English class first. I waited patiently as the previous class filtered out and made my way straight to my seat, ignoring Mr Berty's glances in my direction. I tried to practically melt into the plastic chair beneath me as Jessica and Lauren made their way in, talking loudly. I shoved my backpack on the seat next to me and concentrated on my book as I realized they were talking about none other than Edward Cullen. Seemed even by Friday he was the man of the moment.

I could feel a little sorry for them if I really tried. After all, I had fallen for the charm and outer packaging in less than five minutes when I had first met him. After that, it took less than two days to become completely infatuated with him as a whole. I knew exactly what they were "going through." But it was the simple fact that I had already gone through it, and was still going through the same things, that made me hate them irrevocably. There was a part of me that still screamed "MINE!" every time another girl either looked at Edward or spoke his name. A reaction I knew I had no right to feel anymore. He hardly knew who I was.

I was so caught up in my internal musings, that I didn't notice Edward himself until he was standing beside my desk, asking me something. Not that I knew what it was. I looked up at him blankly, not really realizing he had been talking to me exclusively. I stared at him, as if it would help me find an answer.

"Did you say something?" Shit, that was rude. My tone was clipped and harsh, still reacting on the emotions I was feeling toward Lauren, who coincidentally just _had_ to be watching us.

"I asked if I could sit beside you." His face showed no emotion what-so-ever as I looked it over, and it irritated me.

Did I want a pleading look? One of hope or amusement? Yes, I wanted him to want to sit beside me, but not look bored in the process.

"There are plenty of other seats, Edward." I waved my hand dismissively as I continued with the bitch persona.

_Why was I constantly pushing him away? I wanted this, why was I being such a bitch to him?_

"Yes, yes there are. But there is only one beside you, so that's why I'm asking." His voice changed to annoyance, and I looked back up at him to find that he was getting a bit pissed off. Why didn't he just sit somewhere else if my attitude was annoying him so much?

"Fine." I huffed petulantly, and dumped my bag on the floor between us. I folded my legs in front of me and turned my body so that I was no longer facing in his direction. To anyone else, I looked like I was trying to put as much distance between us as possible. Edward probably thought that too, but I knew if I was facing his direction, I would stare at him unabashedly for the entire period. Something I wasn't sure I'd be able to pass off or live down.

He threw himself into the black chair beside me, crossed his legs at the ankles, and stretched them out in front of him. He placed his books and a pen on the desk, before crossing his arms. He was the epitome of relaxed and comfortable. From the corner of my eye I saw him turn to face me. His attention on me made me blush, so he knew I was aware of him.

As time wore on, I wondered why he wanted to sit next to me in the first place. He didn't speak, the only sounds coming from his side of the table being pen scratching on paper, and the tiny little sighs he let out every once in a while. When we weren't copying things out, we were supposed to be concentrating on the text before us. I was aware that Edward knew what he was talking about when it came to Pride and Prejudice, so it didn't surprise me when he didn't pay attention at those moments. Instead, he concentrated on me.

I squirmed under his intense gaze that barely wavered for a second. I kept my eyes deliberately focused on the page in front of me, keeping track of each line as the class read through it. I mentally thanked the teacher for not making me read aloud.

The blush that had flamed as he sat down took up permanence on my chest and face, and even to my mortification, my arms. The dark blue tank I was wearing showed all of those places, causing me to feel even more exposed than usual as my flesh heated up with his attention.

He chuckled warmly as I tossed my book down on the desk in aggravation. It was sexy coming from him, as most things were, and this time my eyes betrayed me. I looked up at him from beneath my lashes.

"Something bothering you, Swan?" His face was graced with the most delicious cocky smirk I had seen since he had come back, and my skin heated even more. I had seen that look before, and the situation was worlds from the one we were currently in.

"You," I said lowly, hoping that he wouldn't actually hear me, but his soft sigh alerted me to the fact that he had. What was it with us this week? We were both saying things we didn't really want the other to hear. But it was obvious that we were both wanting to say things to the other and not.

It was turning into some seriously confusing shit. I was even beginning to sound like Edward.

I heaved a sigh of relief when the bell rang, thankful that the tension would finally end. Then with a groan, I remembered that we had yet to go to Biology, where the situation would be exactly the same. Only this time we would be sitting at the front of the class and not the back. That meant Lauren could watch us more closely than she had been. Personally, I was getting annoyed at the way she was always sitting sideways, so she could see us out of the corner of her eye.

What the hell was her problem anyway? If she wanted Edward, why didn't she just ask him out? I knew she didn't like me, that much was obvious, but there was nothing going on between Edward and me. If she were that interested, she would ask as much. What was the point in assuming things when you could just find out for real?

I snorted and shook my head, gaining a puzzled look from Edward. I was thinking that, yet I wasn't acting on what I thought. What was the point in assuming things? Why didn't I just pluck up the nerve to ask Edward if he had felt anything this morning when he wrapped his arm around me? If he had wanted to kiss me as badly as I had him that previous night in his room. If I just asked, I would have an answer.

Whether it was the one I wanted or not, was what was holding me back. I really didn't want to hear him say that it was all for show, and that he had obviously made a mistake. That he was giving me the wrong impression, that he indeed felt nothing.

I looked at him as he quietly walked beside me in the corridor. His shoulders were hunched over, and his hands shoved in his pockets as he tried to shield himself from the attention he was garnering. It wasn't working. He still had the eyes of every girl in the vicinity on him, and no doubt, their accompanying thoughts. While I had been inside my own head, trying desperately to sort out my thoughts, Edward had been retreating inside himself too. I guess I had made it look like I wasn't interested, and that I wanted nothing more than for him to leave me alone. How was I any better than Lauren in the way I treated some people?

"You know they can still see you, right?" I mock whispered, cupping my hand round my mouth to make it look like your usual whisper. His eyes snapped to mine, and a small smile played on his perfect lips.

"You're back." It wasn't a question or a silly statement. He was being deadly serious, and I could even see that he was slightly concerned.

"There's no escaping your own head." I tried to laugh it off, but my feigned amusement died in my throat. That had been too close to home for both of us. Edward looked at me confused, probably wondering what I had that was anywhere near as bad as him. If only he knew.

_No, if he did know he would hate you and walk away, that's why you didn't tell him in the first place._

That wasn't entirely true. Every text, e-mail and voicemail I had left him in the months when he ignored me had begged him to get in touch with me. Every one of them had me pleading for him to call or visit, telling him I needed him more than he could ever know. Just thinking about it brought the tears back to my eyes, and I furiously blinked them back.

The rest of our short walk to biology was quiet, and so was our class. There was no more tension, only silence, as neither of us talked to the other. We worked around one another, sharing a textbook and equipment as we did an experiment. There was no discomfort and not even one word was spoken. It wasn't awkward, but we both knew there was something hanging over us that we were both avoiding.

Edward said a quiet goodbye and left first. I was used to being the one to walk out, and I knew I had no right to feel hurt that he did it to me. But I had lived through him leaving me once, even though I now knew different. That was how it felt at the time, and seeing him walk away, and feeling him so distant, hurt whether I wanted it to or not.

My journalism class had been one of my favorites, but I felt lonely as I sat down among students I knew very little. Even though I had been ignoring Edward, I was positive that I would rather have him beside me in silence than not at all. I groaned inwardly, knowing my day was just about to become more awkward when Alice walked in with a note. As my luck goes, the only spare seat was, of course, beside me, and I made room for her quietly as she sat down next to me with a smile.

I was quite pleased with myself that I managed to ignore her, too. Yes, I knew I was being ignorant. I mean, she hadn't done anything to deserve my ice-cold shoulder, but I just wasn't in the mood for being close to Edward's family. The only one I had managed to stomach so far had been Emmett. Who knew why that was. It wasn't not like him and Edward were anything like each other.

"Bella, I'm sorry." I swivelled my head in the direction of Alice's bell- like voice and felt the guilt crash over me. Yeah, I really was a bitch. Just like Lauren.

"I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is on you, and our expectations were inconsiderate." She looked the picture of contrite, and her sincerity was shining through her eyes. Her facial expression lifted a little as I smiled at her.

"Alice, it's okay. I've been to hell and back already. Yeah, this is going to be hard, but I know how to deal with hard now." I knew my smile didn't reach my eyes as she gasped softly. Looking around the classroom, I noticed that everyone had filed out and we were the last left.

"I'm so sorry." Her voice was softer, full of sadness as she took two steps around the desk and pulled me in for a tight hug.

For such a small person, she had some strength about her. I sank into her embrace, feeling lighter at the human contact. Apart from Jasper, no one was ever this close, yet in the past two days I had been hugged by both of Edward's siblings, and nearly hugged by Edward himself.

She released me with a small smile, causing me to laugh lightly to make sure she knew I wasn't mad at her. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to have Alice as a friend. She was kind, warm, and nothing like Lauren and Jessica. The fact that she hadn't already fallen into their group, automatically put her higher up in my list. Even Angela had mentioned she liked her, and Angela was very hard to impress.

We walked to our next class side by side, with Alice filling me in on her own thoughts of Jessica and Lauren. I was laughing right along with her as we stopped outside my History class. Already quite late, the class was almost full as I stood outside the door. My eyes caught Edward's as I noticed him sitting in the seat behind me.

_Had he been there all week?_ Thankfully, this class comprised of single desks, so he couldn't sit beside me if he wanted to. As I turned from saying goodbye to Alice, I noticed Edward's eyebrows lift slightly in surprise. _Yeah, you're not the only one, buddy._

I glued my eyes to my feet, making sure I didn't trip up on thin air, as was my usual way, and headed for my seat. I threw myself unceremoniously behind the desk, shoved my stuff out in front of me, and sat with my head in my hand, wanting nothing more than to melt into the floor.

I could feel Edward's gaze burning a whole into the side of my face and tried to face the front of the class without much success, knowing it was comfier to sit diagonally. On top of that, Lauren was starting to sicken me with her constant hair flicking and eyelid batting in Edward's direction. Why the fuck did she have to be semi-smart and be in nearly every one of my classes? She didn't seem capable of AP anything, yet there she always fucking was.

Sitting behind Edward was a blessing in disguise, because I could pretend that nothing had changed. Not seeing his face, and his nearly always-confused eyes, made it easier to think that we were the in love teenagers we had been six months prior. A girl can dream right? Not to mention that Edward managed to look just as good from the back as he did from the front.

But in front of him? Excruciatingly painful. I was self-conscious beyond belief, even when his attention wasn't on me. My awareness of when his attention _was_ on me was my curse. I was questioning whether I was right or not. If he was looking at me so often, then why was he doing it?

Why was he studying me from the back the same way I did him? We were supposed to be doing a pop quiz, and I found myself hoping that Edward managed to understand it. When I had corrected the practice one he had completed the night before, there hadn't been a single mistake. I didn't believe I was that good, but that meant that Edward knew what he was doing after all.

Why was he making me question everything?

I gave up even trying to concentrate around half-way through the class, knowing I couldn't concentrate on anything when my thoughts were so chaotic. Did that mean I wasn't going to pass anything this year? Because I was pretty sure Edward was sticking around, and I was also pretty sure it was his fault I couldn't concentrate on anything else.

I dropped my books off in my locker, noting that Edward's was only around twenty down from mine, and that he was doing the same thing. I made my way to the lunch hall, certain that he was following not too far behind me.

With a quick scan around the hall, I noticed I was the first of our group in. I grabbed Jasper some lunch at the same time as my own to save queuing again. Edward, with brown paper bag in hand, went straight to the table Emmett was already occupying, and sat across from him. I waited in the short queue before making my way across the hall behind Angela who had just appeared. Sitting down at our usual table, I noticed that Edward was sitting facing me yet again. I couldn't get away from those damn pretty green eyes.

"Aw, Bells, I love you." Jasper squeezed me into his side dramatically and planted a kiss on my temple. He sat down heavily in the chair beside as I giggled. Ben was the last to sit down, beside Angela of course, and when I looked up to greet him, I noticed Alice standing at the front of the queue, looking for a place to sit.

"Guys, what do you say to a new recruit?" I hardly ever said much during lunch, and when I did it was usually to Jasper. Three sets of surprised eyes snapped to me at the sound of my voice. Angela followed my gaze, and turned with a smile and a nod. I got up and made my way across to Alice.

"You didn't go straight to the family table today, huh?" She startled a little, and I literally thought her tray might go flying, causing me to laugh lightly.

"It's a bit tragic to sit with your two big brothers, isn't it?" I shrugged a little with a smile, and beckoned her after me.

"Come sit with us, meet some real people." Her musical laughter followed me, so I didn't need to turn round to know she was following. One person's eyes certainly were, though, and when I met his gaze, I blushed under the scrutiny.

"Alice this is Jasper, Angela, and Ben." I introduced her to each person with my hand, and sat back down as she settled herself down opposite me.

Angela and Ben introduced themselves politely, and I was thankful when Ang made the effort to start up a conversation with her. It didn't escape my notice though that Jasper said nothing, only clearing his throat when I introduced them, causing Alice to blush. There was definitely something I didn't know.

"Was that because she's a Cullen or because you hooked up with her at your mom's party?" I whispered, so as not to gain any unwanted attention. But Jasper's spluttering, and near choking to death on his sandwich, had every eye in the room on him. I laughed along with Angela and Ben as he quickly turned red, and I helped him out with a couple of whacks on the back.

He finally settled down a bit, as did the conversation in the hall, and turned to me with an amazed look on his face.

"Jazz, when you don't talk, you learn more." I shrugged as if it was no big deal, and continued with my lunch.

"I'm sorry, but she's not like that." He was leaning into me so that no one could see or hear what he was saying, and I was a little taken aback. I had never condoned Jasper's whore-like tendencies, but I had never liked them either.

"Just don't fuck it up, okay?" I turned to smile at him, and was taken by surprise when he pecked me on the cheek, causing me to flame up again.

Selfishly I was a little worried that Jasper liked Alice that much. One, all being well, he would get closer to the Cullen family while I couldn't or wouldn't. And two, I would have less Jazz time, something I had come to rely on heavily to get me through each week. As if reading my thoughts, and seeing my inner turmoil, Jasper leaned back in.

"I'm still here, Bells. She knows my first priority is you, and I'm not going anywhere." My eyes watered at the sensation of always having Jasper to take care of me.

"I shouldn't be a priority, Jazz. That isn't fair to either of you." I sank into his side as his arm wrapped round my shoulders.

"I love you, Bells. I always will. I promised to look after you, and that's exactly what I will always do." I wiped a tear from my cheek as inconspicuously as I could, but Alice noticed. Instead of asking me if I was okay like I expected, she just smiled and turned back to her food.

I turned round to Jasper, and let him circle his arms around me with little effort. I was struggling to get my weight back to normal, and I knew I was still too thin. I wound my arms around his neck and hugged him to me with all the strength I could muster, not caring that everyone in the cafeteria could be watching us. I was safe in my Jasper bubble. I would always be safe in his arms.

I spent the rest of lunch wrapped up in my own thoughts, thankful that no one tried to include me in the table's conversation. I concentrated on the bottle of water in front of me, playing with it on top of the table. Jasper's hand had mine enclosed in it until the bell rang, and I didn't look up at anyone or noise.

When we got to the door, Jasper kept a hold of my hand and walked me to my locker. I picked up all of my books so that I could go straight from P.E to my truck. When I closed the door over, I saw Edward's mane of coppery hair above the heads of all the other students milling about, and felt a twist in my chest. He was always going to be there, so near, but yet so far. An overused cliché if ever there was one.

I turned back to Jasper, who once again took my hand in his, but instead of leading us to our Spanish class, he turned in the opposite direction and led us past Edward.

"Jasper, where are we going?" I tried to keep it quiet, but Edward's head turned as we passed, and his eyes locked onto mine.

"You're in no state for physical activity. You're that preoccupied that you'll probably break something, and Spanish isn't important anyway." He smirked over at me, knowing exactly how I felt about cutting classes. I was supposed to keep up my spotless record, not ruin it in the last months of the semester.

Edward watched us pass him by with a look of concern on his face. Keeping quiet, we made our way along the corridor, and out into the Forks drizzle. Jasper jogged over to his car, and by the time I had clambered into my truck, he was idling alongside me.

We drove; Jasper in front, to where I guessed was home, only guessing from the direction he took us in. He parked in his driveway, and jogged back to me as I parked the truck up on the curb. I wasn't sure what the plan was, but I watched without really seeing, as Jasper took the spare key from the eve, unlocked the door and led us inside. Without any words, he took my backpack off me and laid it on the floor, took my hand and pulled me up the stairs behind him.

I was lying on my new double bed, shoes and jacket off, before I really considered what was happening. I only relaxed when Jasper crawled in beside me and gathered me up into his arms. He knew I had been having a bad day without even having to ask. There he was, once again, making sure I was okay. How many nights had I taken off him? How many times had we been in this exact position?

"I love you, Jazz." I tightened my hold around his body and nestled myself into his warmth.

"Love you too, Bells," was whispered into my hair before he pressed a kiss to the top of my head, and the darkness took me. I was exhausted without even realising it.

_Then: October 2009_

_I groaned as the rain started to pour relentlessly. It tapped loudly on the roof of my truck as I rumbled not-so-smoothly down Forks' main highway. I fiddled with my radio, but it was well and truly broken. I'd have to ask Charlie for the money, because I couldn't afford to fix it. As the town's lights came into view, a searing pain tore through my abdomen, causing me to slam on the brakes as a reflex. _

_I cried out in pain wondering what on earth had happened. I honestly thought I had been shot or stabbed. With no gunshot, and no sharp objects or people in sight, it didn't take me long to rule those out. _

_I fumbled in my pocket for my phone, my eyes beginning to gleam over with unshed tears due to the pain. Hitting one on my speed-dial, I tried to hold the phone up to my ear, not wanting to take my arms away from their spot around my waist._

_"Hey, Bells, what's up? You back in Forks yet?" Jasper's voice floated out of the handset to me, and I gasped as another shooting pain fired through me._

_"Jasper...I need you..."_

_"Shit, Bella, what's wrong?" His voice was beginning to panic, but everything was beginning to fuzz over._

_"Outside town, the diner side..." I dropped the phone to the floor of my truck and cried out again as I clutched at my body. I felt a warm sensation creep over my legs and I looked down. There was blood soaking through my jeans, and I cried out in fear._

_As far as I could tell, Jasper was still on the line with me, and I prayed that he was coming to find me. I had never experienced such intense pain. Blackness overwhelmed me, hand-in-hand with an ice-cold chill, as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice over me._

Bella's POV: Now

"Bells...Bella?" Jasper's voice floated through to my subconscious. When I opened my eyes, I was no longer in pain in my truck, but tucked up safe and warm with Jasper.

"Bella, your parents are home." He smiled down at me from where he was perched up on his elbow, and I groaned. I did not want to face either of my parents. Too late.

"Bells, you okay?" Charlie's voice was followed by his head as he popped round the door to my room. "Jasper...sorry, I didn't know you were here, son." I didn't bother looking up, instead keeping my head tucked into his shoulder.

"It's okay, sir. Bella here isn't feeling too well so I stayed with her after school." I could hear the politeness dripping off Jasper's voice as he spoke to my father, and I fought my eye roll.

"Right, well, we'll ah...leave you two be." Charlie was never comfortable being in my room, so it wasn't surprising that he wanted out as quickly as he had come in.

I felt Jasper's chuckle vibrate through him and into me where I was still curled up into his side. As I looked over his chest I noticed that it was dark out, and that the rain had finally ceased. That, in itself, was a miracle.

"Jazz, I'm just going to sleep. You should get home." I yawned halfway through my sentence as if to make a point, and rolled over when Jasper pulled away.

"I'll come check on you in the mornin', okay?" I nodded, suddenly sleepier than I had previously been. I smiled lazily as he kissed me on the forehead.

"Love you, Jazz," I mumbled. He threw a "Love you back" as he closed my bedroom door quietly behind him.

I listened as carefully as I could as he spoke briefly to my parents, before I heard the front door open and close. I let my eyes flutter close, deciding not to fight it. Even though it was impossible I would step straight back into the same dream, I wanted the blackness to take me. I was more likely to think less when I was unconscious.

What felt like minutes later, there was a light tap at my window, but I played it down to the rain starting up and ignored it. When it didn't happen again I thought I had imagined it, until I heard one more distinctive tap. It couldn't be the branch of the tree because I'd be able to hear the wind.

Not really sure I would find anything; I got out of bed and wandered over to the window. I lifted it quietly and poked my head out.

It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the dull light outside, the nearest street light not working. With the porch light off, a figure at the bottom of the tree was only just discernible. I ruled out it being Jasper, because he would have simply used the door. I gasped as he finally came into view.

What was he doing at God knows what time of night, tapping on my window like it was some Shakespeare play? I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't imagining things. He was still there.

"What are you doing here?" My voice sounded a little too loud for the imposing silence, causing me to lower it nearer the end of my question.

"Move, Bella. I'm coming up." His voice copied mine and stayed quiet.

We both knew this was a bad idea. Whether my parents liked him or not, climbing into my room in the middle of the night was a no in every parent's book.

But what did I do? I moved to let him in, of course.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Ah! A mini cliffie...that's my first ever one!**

**Who's it gonna be? Jake? Edward? Emmetttttt? Who knows...**

**Let me know what you think...and who you think it should be...most popular choice is the one it's gonna be, so you guys decide :)**

**Let's see who's Team what?**

**Reviews are like sugar coated Edwards! :) Please?**

**x**


	10. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Okais! So first off Edward won! There was one Emmett and a couple of Jake's but ultimately we all wanna see some late night E/B :P**

**The song used in this chapter is very fitting and very close to home so I hope y'all take in the lyrics...they're always there for a reason :)**

**It's not too long I know, but this chapter is majorly important! Hope you enjoy it...but not in a masochistic way... =/**

**So without further-ado let me hand you over to our little Bella Swan...who isn't in for an easy night :O**

**SM owns all things Twilight :)**

**x**

* * *

Chapter Ten: Here We Go

Did you close your eyes  
As you walked away?  
Did I get too close  
In the pouring rain?  
If there's one more chance  
For us here tonight,  
I'll take the long way 'round this time

We sing: "Oh, love, it's easy if you don't  
Try to please me,  
If you don't want to see me anymore."  
We sing out,  
"Uh, oh, here we go again.  
I know how I lost a friend.  
We go 'round and 'round again.  
Uh, oh  
Uh, oh

A bitterest kiss  
That says goodbye  
I can hear it in your voice  
And see it in your eyes  
'Cause we've been this low  
And we've been 'round this bend  
And I don't want to lose you all over again

We sing: "Oh, love, it's easy if you don't  
Try to please me.  
If you don't want to see me anymore."  
We sing out,  
"Uh, oh, here we go again.  
I know how I lost a friend.  
We go 'round and 'round again  
Uh, oh  
Uh, oh

Oh, no  
Here we go again.  
I know how I lost a friend.  
We go 'round and 'round again  
Uh, oh  
Uh, oh

'Round here  
Hey, hey  
We got light, it's not going away  
If all is broken, and all is lost  
And I've been found  
So here's my heart  
I'll give it over and over again

Here we go again, here we go again  
Uh, oh  
Here we go again  
I know how I lost a friend  
We go 'round and 'round again  
Oh, no  
Oh, no

It's a long road, baby  
Running away

_Here We Go - Mat Kearney_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

"Please, be careful!" The pleading tone in my voice, plus the way it dripped with concern, had him halted in his tracks and looking up at me. Although, in the dark, I couldn't make out much more than the direction he was looking in.

I held my breath as he swung himself up onto the tree with effortless grace. He climbed up the branches and was very soon hovering outside my bedroom window. The air left me audibly when both his feet padded down onto my carpet safely, and he shut the window quietly behind him.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" His eyes were looking around my room, and I was reminded that this wasn't the first time he had been there. Only, this time I was nervous and would actually remember it.

"I had to - wanted to - make sure you were okay." He shrugged his shoulders, trying to look nonchalant. He was trying to cover up how he really felt, and it hurt.

Was this going to be the night when we were both honest with each other? Would I ask him to tell me the truth, and get an answer that I had wanted to hear for months? I doubted it, so I kept my mouth shut, instead taking the chance to properly look at him as he shuffled his feet from side to side.

I sighed, causing him to look back to me instead of surveying my room. There was a look of hunger in his eyes that made me shiver involuntarily. It was all I wanted, yet there was a voice in my head telling me it was wrong. Like, somehow I would be taking advantage of him, using him for my own benefit.

"What time is it?" The question burst out of me without much thought, and Edward's look quickly vanished as he glanced around for a clock_. No, I don't have one that was why I asked._ He pulled his phone from his pocket and pressed a button for the screen to light up.

"Just after one." My eyes widened at his blasé comment.

"You just climbed into my room at one in the morning?" I kind of squeaked my question, causing him to chuckle.

"Do you want me to leave?" He gestured to the window with his thumb and began to turn around.

"No!" I cursed at my hasty answer, blushing when he smirked in my direction. However, just like that, the arrogance was gone and was replaced by concern.

"Are you okay?"

"Are you going to keep asking me that until you get some sort of masochistic answer?"

"Are you aware you're answering a question with a question?" I watched his eyebrow jut up above his right eye, and rolled my eyes to disguise the déja-vu of our situation. How many conversations were we going to re-do? No matter how inconsequential.

"This could go on all night, Edward, but you didn't answer my question."

"And nor did you mine, Swan." It was clear his eyebrow wasn't going to be budging.

I sighed again as I made my way over to my bed, sitting down with my back against the headboard. I held my breath as he followed me, settling himself down opposite. He sat at the foot of my double bed without an invite, and expecting an answer. Was I really going to get into it with Edward of all people?

"I...something happened...I don't...Edward I've never talked about it..." I was trembling with something akin to fear flowing over me.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked..." He was sincere in his concession, but now that he had brought it up, I wanted nothing more than to face up to the fear that had been crippling me for so long.

"I don't want to shut you out...I just can't deal...with people. I know that makes no sense, but it's like my subconscious is always screaming at me not to let anyone in because then they can't hurt me..." His head nodded perceptibly, and my heart squeezed as I realized he must feel the exact same way every single day.

"Like, you can't trust anyone, even those you seem to think you should?" Edward's voice floated over to me, sounding much like a little boy would when he didn't understand what was going on around him.

_"I can cope with you around, Bella. I wish I could stay with you forever." _I wondered if that were still the case.

The Cullen family seemed to think I could help Edward heal in all the ways he was broken, but I had never really believed it. Maybe being with him could help us both.

"Something happened to me too..." He smirked at the way he was using my own words. "It happened around September last year, and it hit my family pretty hard. They moved out here for me, not that I know why. They seem to think being in the middle of nowhere will help me." He shrugged, and I had to concentrate on keeping my breathing level.

I wasn't supposed to know anything; I had to act - no pretend - that this was all new to me. He trusted me, let me in, and I was lying about everything. The guilt pressed down on me as he continued.

"Anyway, everyone here seems to think the Cullens are some sort of model family. That's bullshit if you ask me. None of us talk to one another, I haven't spoken to my parents in months, we all lie to one another, and I can't remember the last time we all spent time together..." _Ha, remember, get it?_ Seemed my brain goes a bit insane when I was faced with seriousness.

"I lost my memory, Bella. Not all of it but enough...I don't think I'm ready to talk about it, but you can at least know that much..." He smiled sheepishly as my breath caught in my throat. I wasn't sure how to handle that last piece of information. He had been less mysterious than I had been with him, telling me the exact problem, so what did I do?

Taking a deep breath, I said the only thing I could that wouldn't get me in trouble, "I'm sorry, Edward..." He smiled in appreciation before a silence fell over us. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable, but it wasn't the same as it used to be. Once again, I found myself wondering if it ever would be.

When a giggle burst out of me uncontrollably, I didn't blame Edward for the look of sheer confusion and hurt that passed across his features, and I had to hold up my hand in apology.

"We're such a pair! We both have nightmares, neither of us sleeps well, neither of us can trust those around us, and we both suffer from panic attacks...We could start our own little club." His shoulders were shaking, alerting me to the fact that he was laughing silently. I felt better for having lightened the mood.

His laughter died as quick as it came and he sat, still as a stone on the end of my bed, looking at me serenely. His gaze had me enraptured, but even as his eyes started to survey the rest of my face and eventually my body, resting on where I was wringing my hands together, I couldn't look away from his face. We were both quiet, our breathing the only sound, as his eyes came back up to my level. My heartbeat quickened at the emerald depths I knew so well.

He was worried, not sure what to say. He wanted to comfort me, but both didn't know how or why he was feeling like he had to. He was confused as to why he was so interested in anything I had to tell him. He thought I was fragile and needed protecting, something that hadn't changed in his absence. He was taking in the body language that I had now permanently adopted, curled in on myself, constantly trying to protect myself and keep my emotions in.

I only knew this because I watched as it passed over his face in succession. I watched each question come and go as he looked at me softly. He moved gently and easily so that he was sitting across from me, his knees gently touching mine. I blushed as his hand reached out and gently took a hold of mine; the only response I couldn't control from the shock that I knew would run up my arm. Was it ever going to be different?

"Do you trust me?" His voice was soft, almost like a caress, as it washed over me, and I could have sworn he was holding his own breath, waiting for my answer.

I thought about it seriously. He had hurt me beyond belief. He was the reason I was suffering at least half of the things I was, and I could easily blame him for the other half. However, sitting in my room, in the near dark with him, I found that I strangely did. Was it because I knew he hadn't meant to harm me in the first place? That his actual actions were for the complete opposite? He had been, after all, on his way to find me.

He had promised to find me, and now there he was, sitting on my bed and holding my hand. I was searching his eyes for something I knew I wouldn't find. He wasn't the same Edward. Yes, he looked the same, had the same voice and mannerisms, and sometimes even acted the exact same way. But could I trust that? Not him, but the illusion I was creating? What if I trusted in him, basing it on someone he no longer knew? What would happen then?

I looked down to where our hands were joined between us and nodded, somehow not able to look him in the eye as I answered. I heard him release a sigh of relief, and melted a little as his sweet, intoxicating breath washed over my face. His hand squeezed mine gently, and I smiled, hoping that he wouldn't see it as I tucked my chin down to my chest.

His cool finger came up to below my chin and gently tilted my head, so that my eyes locked onto his once more.

"Ask me." It took me a second to work out what he was actually asking of me. I felt my lip tremble as I questioned him, sincerely not knowing what was unfolding.

"Do you trust me, Edward?" I captured my bottom lip between my teeth and worried it harshly, feeling the sting as my teeth broke through the skin.

"More than anything." His voice was soft, gentle and perfect. The tears stung at the edges of my eyes, but they were happy ones. Only one rolled down my cheek, and I smiled as Edward's thumb brushed it away gently.

"Why?" _Why the fuck was I asking that_? One sure-fire way to ruin the moment.

"You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me." His mouth picked up minutely at one side.

For having only known each other for a week, as far as he knew, that was probably the best answer I could have asked for.

"You fascinate me too, Edward." He chuckled lightly. I felt the mattress move at the sensation and felt the vibrations up my arm.

"I guess that's all we're ready for at the moment, huh? Fascination is a dangerous thing, Isabella..." He was literally trying to kill me. He leaned in slightly, just enough to make me hyperventilate, and used my full name. The way it rolled off his tongue made it one of the best sounds in the world, and I was pretty sure I melted into the bed.

Our faces were inches apart, our breath mixing in one heavenly concoction, and I could have sworn that his mouth was inching ever closer. Not sure whether we should be taking that step after such a short period of time - for him - I bit my lip. The action put the tiniest bit of extra space between our mouths, and I heated up furiously when he groaned quietly.

"I can't kiss you when you're doing that, Bella." All the breath in my entire body flooded out of me at his honest words.

"Edward..." My futile and half-hearted attempt at stopping him failed miserably, as saying his name had freed my lip from its confines.

His mouth descended on mine gently, pressing one single kiss there before he leaned back the tiniest inch. In that one moment of contact, I was reminded of the sweetness and heat of Edward's kiss, and I was sure I would never again get enough.

I threaded my fingers through his silky hair, scratching my nails along his scalp. I was rewarded with the growl I knew I would receive. With a smile on my lips, I pulled him back to me gently, savoring every taste and sensation for a later date.

I was selfish beyond doubt. I had realized this in the last week, but I was beginning to make myself feel worse. I was kissing him now, knowing that it couldn't happen again. I was going to let him kiss me, like it was some primal need, then tell him we couldn't be this close. It would crush me just to tell him, and I hated myself for needing to do it.

I forgot all my internal worries as his mouth pressed more hotly to mine, his hands skimming up my arms and finally resting on each side of my head. He cradled it softly as his tongue licked at my lower lip. Granting him entrance, he groaned again as our tongues met and swirled around one another, becoming more and more urgent.

He pushed me back gently, simultaneously sliding me down on the cushions so that only my head was leaning against them. My body was trapped deliciously under Edward's, two opposites on each of my sides. The soft mattress dipped in my new bed at our combined weight, and my skin flushed at the hard planes of Edward's body, folding perfectly into mine, fitting every dip and curve of my figure.

His kiss didn't falter as I wound my arms around his neck, gently grazing at the back of his neck on the way up. He shivered under my touch, and I did a mental high five to myself for remembering just how Edward liked to be touched.

He leaned down onto his left elbow, keeping himself hovering over me at a torturing distance, close enough to touch me everywhere, but still not close enough. His right hand was softly and gently palming my ribs, sending shocks throughout my body at his touch. He stopped as his hand met my bare skin, pushing my top up just enough for that feat to be possible.

When I was sure I was about to combust, he moved his lips along my jaw to my ear, blowing on it gently before placing sweet kisses on my lobe and on the sensitive spot below it. I was groaning at his teasing, always wanting more, and I felt him smile against my skin as his lips moved down my neck, ever-so-gently kissing all the skin that was exposed to him.

It was Heaven and Hell all rolled into one. Whether that meant I was in purgatory was another matter that I decided to contemplate at a later date. I loved every sensation as it happened, but as each quickly became the past with the newest one, I began to regret them. I had promised myself that it wouldn't happen. I was hurting myself - setting myself up for the biggest fall yet.

I was falling deeper in love with the same boy that had captured my heart over half a year ago, and he didn't know. I was letting him dredge up all these old emotions I wasn't sure I was still capable of, while knowing I was about to reject him.

I should have done it already, but I learned it was hard to tell your heart or brain to stop something when your body was screaming at you to let it continue.

Edward's lips caressed their way back to my mouth and his tongue slipped back into it with little effort, causing us both to groan at the new softness to this kiss.

He pulled away, panting, with a smile on his lips and rested his forehead against mine. Closing his eyes, I let myself take in the look of peace on his face, as if I had just helped him solve all the puzzles and confusions he was facing.

In all of my selfish activity, I had completely forgotten the chance of him remembering something when we kissed, and I panicked.

"Edward?" I waited with baited breath as he opened his eyes and looked at me softly.

"I've wanted to do that all week," he chuckled again, the sound becoming familiar to me once more. I never wanted to forget anything about Edward ever again. Or, at least, I never wanted a reason to.

"I'm glad you waited." It seemed I wasn't really coordinated with my brain. The things I was saying weren't thought through in the slightest.

"Hmm. But now I know what I've been missing..." He ducked his head back down, but I put my hand up, placing my finger on his lips. It was time. We had made so much progress in less than ninety minutes, and I was about to destroy every last morsel of it.

"Edward...I need to..." He kissed my finger gently, sidetracking me from my thoughts.

"Bella, what is it?" My lips trembled along with the rest of my body as I prepared myself to lie to him. I had never been good at it, and he had always seen through me, so I had to be strong.

"Bella, you're shaking...Tell me?"

"We can't." I shook my head, a tear slipping from my eye as he muttered "fuck!" under his breath, and his hold on my hand increased.

"Let me guess..._You _can't?" He pushed himself up off the bed and stood with his back to me.

"I'm so sorry." And I was. For more than he even realized. I hated hurting him, leading him on and lying to him. I loved him. That wasn't what you were supposed to do to the people you love.

"I fucking hate that line! It's all you've said all fucking week!" I decided I had to stay quiet. If he was as similar in mannerisms as I thought, then he wasn't finished. "You just let me fucking kiss you, Bella, and now you're fucking backing off? What the fuck is up with that?" His anger rose the more he thought about it, and he turned to me with narrowed eyes, causing me to flinch back.

"I wanted to...but I'm with Jake...I can't do this to him." I confused myself by bringing Jake into it. I hadn't planned to, but now it seemed like the best escape clause I could ever have been given.

"Wait, what?"

"Jake? As in Jake from the party?" I nodded, wondering where this was going. "As in the asshole that had you in tears on the steps in the freezing cold?" Shit, Edward was pissed.

"Well...that wasn't his fault and..."

"Don't spin me some bullshit, Bella. I drew it, remember? I know exactly what I saw." His anger dissipated somewhat while I brushed away the tears that spilled over from the mention of his sketch.

"He wasn't what made me cry, okay?" I stood up off my bed and cringed at the volume of my voice. My mom and dad wouldn't be asleep for long at this rate.

"Then what did, Bella? Because I'm failing to see it here!"

"You!" Edward's fists were clenched at his side while mine were hanging limp having just waved in his direction. His face crumpled and distorted so quickly I wondered if it was sore but squashed the idea, wondering why I was suddenly thinking insane and inane thoughts again.

"Me?" His voice cracked, and I looked up at him, seeing the confusion written plainly across his face.

"I'm sorry...I...I didn't mean...It was..." What the hell was I going to say now?

"He broke your heart didn't he?" I was seriously getting confused. Edward wasn't sticking to any one emotion or thought process for any longer than a few minutes at a time.

"What? I don't..." Why was I suddenly such a stuttering mess?

"The night of the party when I took you home, you talked about him...how I reminded you of him...how much you loved him?" He phrased it as if he wasn't sure he was right, but I hadn't remembered that conversation until he brought it up. I had talked about him, and he honestly thought it was someone different. What were the chances of that happening?

"I'm sorry..." I found myself struggling to remember just how many times I had apologized in such a short period of time.

"No, I am. I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm gonna go...I hope you enjoy your date with Jacob..." He turned and headed for the window, but I grabbed his arm, wondering where my sudden gall was coming from.

"Don't you dare! You kissed me and you knew about Jacob?" My voice was rising steadily as I felt the anger settle over me. He had put me in that situation knowing exactly what he was doing. Yes, I had used Jake as my scapegoat, but I really did have a date with him the next night, so for all Edward knew, we really were a couple. So then, who _was_ in the wrong?

For some reason it was becoming increasingly difficult to catch my breath as my face and neck flushed with anger. He shrugged in response as I turned him to face me, setting my anger alight.

My hand was lifted without too much thought process behind it and with all the strength I could muster. I cringed as my hand slapped across his face. I watched in horror as his head whipped round with the force, and his hand came up to touch where I had just attacked. His eyes widened in horror alongside mine, neither of us really believing what I had just done.

But instead of some smug remark or even anger, he turned and hoisted himself up onto my windowsill. My breathing was coming in short gasps and he looked at me fleetingly, but whatever he saw wasn't enough, as he clambered onto the branch of the tree and made his way back to the ground.

I watched from my spot on the floor as his body got further and further away from me, my tears tracing faster as his scent disappeared and any sound of him on the tree dispersed. I was alone again, and I kept my eyes trained on Edward's back until he was down the street and out of view.

Collapsing onto the floor where I had been standing, I fought with myself to overcome the panic attack that had grasped me. I had been through many of them before, but not so many alone. I concentrated on something fixed, the light coming from my phone on my desk, and battled to even out my breathing.

However, as my lungs started burning less, a new pain made itself known. A searing pain in my abdomen, as if someone was dragging a white-hot poker across my flat stomach. I even lifted my top to see if I could see anything out of the ordinary. With no red marks, bruises or swelling I felt the tears rise in my ducts and spill over. I bit my lip to stop from crying out, but it was no use, the pain was too great.

I couldn't move, and I sent up a prayer when I heard my dad pad out into the hallway from his room. I didn't want to be alone. I was hurting as badly as before and it didn't take a genius to figure out what was happening. _"I urge you to try and stay as calm as possible, Miss Swan. Extra strain will only cause you more damage." _The doctor's words rang round my head as Charlie's real voice floated to my ears.

He was asking me questions, stepping straight into detective mode, but I could hear the panic behind his rushed words. I couldn't answer him. Opening my mouth to speak would only let out more screams of pain as the pain intensified.

He was on the phone, cradling it between his ear and his shoulder as he grabbed my hand, squeezing it to let me know he was there. As the paramedic talked him through what he had to do, my head started to spin and my eyes were fuzzing over.

The last thing I thought before I was once again consumed by an oppressing darkness was; "_Please don't let this be happening again."_

_**Then: October 2009**_

_My eyes were sticky and my throat was closed off to the point of unbearable discomfort. I tried to swallow, but something sliced at me, and I choked in panic._

"_Wow, easy there, Bella," an unfamiliar voice jolted me from my thrashing, and I opened my eyes, immediately regretting it as the light hit the back of me retina's with a stinging force._

"_Try and relax, and I'll take this out. It will be a little uncomfortable, but I need you not to fight it...Can you do that for me?" The voice belonged to an elderly man with a friendly face. _

_The white coat and stethoscope told me, along with the machines I was hooked up to that I was in the hospital. I nodded in understanding and fought my gag reflex as he took out the long plastic tube from my throat. I had been in hospital plenty of times before to know what it was._

"_How are you feeling?" Ha, now there was a question._

"_Like I was tortured for days..." my voice rasped, and my throat protested painfully at my attempt to talk. Without saying anything, the doctor turned and lifted a pitcher of water, pouring some into a plastic cup and handed it over to me. I swallowed it slowly; content with the cool relief it was providing me._

_As my eyes wandered the room, they fell on a sleeping form, slouched in the chair in the corner. Jasper's tall form was crumpled into it, and his neck was at such an angle on the back of the chair that it wouldn't have surprised me if his head lolled off._

_As if aware of my gaze, his eyes slowly fluttered open. I watched him as he raised the heels of his palms to his eyes and rubbed, stretched his lanky form and finally turned to me._

_In a move too quick for my tired eyes to see, he was at the side of my bed and holding my hand in his. His touch sent waves of comfort and calm through my body, something the doctor noticed._

"_Bella, do you know what happened to you?" I found the doctor's kind grey eyes with my own and shook my head, feeling Jasper's grip tighten on my hand. He already knew._

"_I'm sorry, Bella. But you suffered a miscarriage...We had to operate on you when you came in to stop the bleeding, and there were some complications. I have to say that if Jasper hadn't brought you in so quickly we weren't sure how this would have ended..."_

_He continued to talk me through the procedure and what had gone wrong, but my conscious sort of floated away. I was taking in his words when he told me that I had hemorrhaged severely and that the surgery they had performed may leave me infertile. I wouldn't be able to have kids. Life-altering news._

_But I wasn't processing it. I was staring at Jasper in shock. How could this be happening to me? I hadn't even known I was pregnant._

_At that thought, the tears started to flow. I had been carrying Edward's child. I knew deep down inside I was far too young to be a mother. Other girls did it all the time, but I couldn't have coped. However, just the thought of having something so special inside me that was completely Edward, something we had done together, tore me apart._

_I had lost the only thing I had left of him. He had made it clear in the last month that he wanted nothing to do with me. He was done, now that summer was over, so was our relationship. I cried myself to sleep every night at how foolish I had been, thinking it was anything more than a summer fling._

"_Jazz?" My voice broke out of me in a broken sob once the doctor was finished talking._

"_It's gonna be okay, Bells, I promise. You're going to be okay. I'm right here." He clasped my hand in his, rubbing circles into my skin. His eyes never left mine as his words continued, trying desperately to break through._

"_My mom?" I panicked as I remembered Renee. She would surely kill me. Pregnant at an age younger than she had been with me. It would no doubt tear my parents apart. Our family would fall to pieces, they would hate me. I was supposed to be the prized child who never put a foot wrong. A prized child didn't have a summer fling at fifteen, have sex with an older boy, become pregnant and disowned at the same time, and then lose the baby and lie about it to her parents. There was no way I could lie anymore. They would hate me._

"_Bells, it's okay...I took care of it. I paid for your medical care out of my allowance; your parents think you're camping with me. Everything will be fine...My mom won't tell a soul..." I sobbed louder at Jasper's admission. I knew his allowance was ungodly huge, and that he could cover medical care quite easily, but now I had him lying, I had his mom lying, just to cover up my mess._

"_I'm so sorry, Jazz...I didn't know." The crying broke through my body as Jasper gathered me into a hug, gently at the doctors warning. I had stitches in places I didn't know you could have stitches, and I was incredibly fragile._

"_It's okay, Bells, of course you didn't. I believe you. We can get through this together, I promise." With his whispered promises and gentle words I let myself be calmed as I fell into a fitful sleep. _

_Behind my eyelids, I was watching myself run around after a little boy with copper curls and brown eyes, until strong familiar arms caught me from behind as Edward's scent overpowered my senses. He kissed me softly before turning round and picking up the little boy at our feet._

_Before it came crashing down around me, it was one of the sweetest dreams I had ever had._

_**Author's Chapter End Notes:**_

_**Did we notice the TWO real Edward quotes in there? I'm sneaky like that :)**_

**_Many of you had already guessed, but the truth had to be written...I realize there are many unanswered questions but I promise all will be covered in due time :)_**

_**Sooo...what did we think?**_

_**Review please :) I'm hoping y'all can get me from 39 to 50...what can I say, I like round numbers :)**_

**_twitter = LiveInDakota_**

_**x**_


	11. The Harder They Fall

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Ahh! Amazing response to the last chapter! Even though we still havent hit 50 but I will forgive y'all that for now :)**

**So...this chapter is over 1500 words longer than the last and it's all in EPOV! However it's a tad more serious than previous looks into Eddie's brain :P**

**And cause I love y'all so much there's even a flashback! An EPOV flashback folks...that only means one thing!**

**So get reading and I hope you enjoy :)**

**SM owns all things Twilight :P**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: The Harder They Fall**

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are.  
I had to find you, tell you I need you,  
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,  
Oh lets go back to the start.  
Running in circles, comin' in tails,  
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,  
It's such a shame for us to part.  
Nobody said it was easy,  
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures,  
Pulling the puzzles apart.  
Questions of science, science and progress  
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me  
Oh and I rush to the start,  
Runnin' in circles, chasin' tails  
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,  
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.  
Nobody said it was easy,  
No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm going back to the start.

_The Scientist - Coldplay_

* * *

Edward's POV: Now

The moment I hit the ground again, I hit the ground in more ways than one. My high from kissing Bella only fuelled my emotions. They had been all over the spectrum all day, and I was emotionally drained. They always say: the higher the high, the lower the low. Guess the collective and infinitive "they" were right again.

Picking Bella up was a new experience. I had very rarely had a female in my car that wasn't Alice, but the extra few minutes with her had my day off to the perfect start.

She had seemed quite happy and light when I saw her at her window, and I waited patiently for her as she got ready. Then, when she closed the door behind her, she seemed somehow defeated. She was slumped against it and looking in my direction, but not even seeing me.

So my perfect morning turned into another few hours where I did nothing but worry about a girl I barely knew. She had said she would talk to me at some point, and it gave me hope that maybe she was thinking of letting me in like I so desperately wanted.

Then the incident with Lauren had me riding high again. I had Bella in my arms, and like the chick I was turning into, I knew it was right. She belonged there. Her small body moulded perfectly into the side of mine, and the same electricity that I now longed for shot through me at her simplest touch.

I was probably imagining it, but it was as if I could smell her on me from that moment on. I was surrounded by her sweet scent all morning, not to mention how concentrated it was when I sat beside her in English. It wasn't my smoothest moment, but I had gotten what I wanted, even if she didn't seem too pleased about it.

She'd given me the cold-shoulder for the rest of the day, so, of course, I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what I had done wrong. It didn't escape my notice that while I spent my time thinking about nothing other than Bella, Lauren was watching us like a hawk. She didn't even make it fucking subtle. She was turned in her seat every fucking chance she got, and it was beginning to piss me off. I could tell Bella was uncomfortable, and I was this close to confronting Lauren. But then I realized to do that I would actually have to spend time with her and to do so may give her the wrong idea. So I left it like the scared shit that I am.

Lunch was fucking confusing to say the least. I guess I could see where Alice was coming from; she wanted friends she could talk to, a place to belong. Not hang around with her two overprotective big brothers constantly. Without her there, our table was beyond quiet. It had been a long time since I had had a conversation with Emmett. I knew he would be there when I was finally ready to talk to him, but for some reason I couldn't face it. Not that I knew what "it" was.

So I watched Bella to pass the time. She seemed happier when Alice sat down beside them, and I smiled at her smile. I deflated as I noticed that she was looking anywhere but at me, but I squashed the feeling, hoping I was imagining it.

Then all of a sudden, she was broken. Right there in the fucking lunch hall. I clenched my hands round the edge of the table to stop myself going over there and pulling her into my arms. Nevertheless, I knew I couldn't do that, so I once again watched Jasper do what I longed to.

He comforted her, and I watched her calm considerably in his embrace. For a fleeting moment, I felt nothing but gratitude towards him, knowing that he would always be there to look after her. It didn't stop me from feeling jealous, though.

And so lunch continued. Bella was wrapped up in Jasper, so it didn't surprise me that they left hand-in-hand together when the bell rang. When they left together, and I knew I wouldn't see Bella in P.E even momentarily, I knew there was something wrong with the situation. I should have seen it already, but the ache in my chest at the thought of not even seeing her face told me things were bigger and deeper than I had originally thought.

I had no idea what I was doing, but I picked up a few stones nearly twelve hours later, and chucked them at her dark window. I couldn't even go half a fucking day without seeing her. I had to make sure she was okay. Sure, I didn't exactly think it through, but I _needed_ it. Like she was some sort of drug - my own fucking brand of heroin. It was getting out of hand like any addiction, but I couldn't find it in myself to care.

Her room seemed to rub it in my face. It was lighter than my previous visit, so I took the chance to glance around, and everywhere I looked, I was faced with photos of Bella and Jasper together - at home, at the carnival, in a bookstore, dressed up. The ache in my chest grew at the thought that my plan might backfire. What if she didn't want me as I did her?

But then she fucking opened up to me. I know I pushed her, but it genuinely seemed like she wanted to let me in, but just didn't know how. I fucking knew how that felt. I battled to keep my hands to myself and my face clear of emotions, but eventually the need to touch her overwhelmed me.

My heart soared as we kissed. Her lips were soft, warm, and pliant. Her mouth fit mine perfectly, just like her body as I pressed her down onto the bed. I wasn't going to do anything we weren't ready for, but just touching her like that, so intimate yet so innocent, had every inch of my body on fire. I never wanted it to stop. But all good things come to an end, right?

I shook my head as I unlocked my car. I had flipped out over the Jake comment. I knew I had taken it too far, but for some reason, when I had the chance to apologize and take it back, I couldn't. I fucking left her there, looking like she was in fucking physical pain.

I slammed my hand against the steering wheel in frustration. I had parked my car down the street so no one would know I was there, but I could still see her window from where I was sitting. I was making my way back to her again when I decided she probably didn't want to see me. She was probably back in bed wishing the whole thing hadn't happened.

I was calmed somewhat when I settled myself behind the wheel again, but I decided I didn't want to go home. It was after two thirty in the morning, but I didn't need anywhere to be open, I just wanted to drive. The roads were quiet and the rain had ceased as I rolled down my window, letting the fresh air blow through my hair and across my face. Yes, it was cold, but it distracted me from my thoughts - which was exactly what I needed.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I was parking up outside Forks Community Hospital over twenty minutes later. My little rant to Bella about my family being a sham had affected me more than I let on. Carlisle always had been my confidant. The father I wished every other kid in the world could have. I had him, yet I had been bitching about him for a week. I was angry with my family, but right now, I needed my father. I wasn't above swallowing my pride; I just hoped Carlisle would give me a chance.

I walked into the fluorescent-lit building, the familiar and unwanted clinical smell assaulting my senses. I paused just inside the doorway to overcome the sick feeling that was settling in my stomach. It was the first time I had been inside a hospital since my accident. One benefit of having a surgeon for a father and my psychologist having their own clinic.

"Edward?" I turned at the sound of my name, and I was greeted by a puzzled and extremely tired looking Carlisle. "Is everything okay, son?" I nodded my head. Why was I here? To talk, sure, but what about? I didn't actually know what to say now that I was there. I wasn't sure we could just slip back into our old ways. There was too much wrong between us for that.

"I guess I wanted someone to talk to...I can go if you're busy..." I looked around myself this time, and nearly rolled my eyes. The place was deserted.

He didn't manage to hide his surprise too well as I watched it pass across his face, "Of course, why don't you come with me? I was just about to grab a coffee from the café." I nodded again and followed him silently as he set off slowly down the corridor.

We were only half way down the hall when I heard running footsteps behind us, followed by the panicked voices of a commotion at the entrance. I turned as Carlisle did, to see a young nurse running straight at us. I wasn't sure she would stop in time when she started talking in a raised voice.

"Dr. Cullen, I'm sorry." She looked quickly to me. "The paramedics just brought in a young girl. Her father says he found her lying on the floor in her room. She seems to be seriously hemorrhaging, and she's in a lot of pain." Carlisle broke into a jog to get back to his patient, and I followed willingly, knowing his job was extremely important and just how good he was at it. When we got closer to the door, he turned back to me, almost as if he just remembered I was there.

"I'm sorry, son. Can it wait for another time?" He looked remorseful. He probably thought that was our only chance and that it would never happen again. Maybe he was right.

"Of course, I'll see you..." I broke off in a panic. The person standing anxiously, pacing at the door was Charlie Swan. "Bella?" Carlisle looked at me in confusion, but when he followed my gaze, his whole body tensed in reaction. "Carlisle, it's Bella, help her!" As my voice rose, it alerted Charlie to our presence. His brow furrowed as he looked me over, almost as if he knew me but couldn't place it.

"Carlisle, please help her...I didn't know what to do...She was just lying there screaming in pain...My little girl...Help her please...I don't..." The sickness in my stomach got worse as I took in Charlie's tear stained cheeks. This was bad.

"Of course, Charlie. They're just prepping her for surgery. Can you tell me what happened?" It was at times like these that I was in awe of Carlisle. His ability to stay calm in any situation had always baffled me, but it was what made him so good.

"Well, she wasn't well after school. Jasper brought her home, but she slept all night. She was fine, I swear. I even checked on her before I went to bed."

_That's because she had been fine. _

I felt all the blood drain from my face at the thought of being the cause of this. Was she in pain when I left? I had left her there. She would have been at the hospital sooner if I'd gone back like I had planned.

"She was okay. I was there." Both sets of eyes landed on me at my confession. I was going to have to explain myself out of this, but there was no time for it now.

"I'm sorry, sir." I tried to placate Charlie's anger for the moment, but I could see the pressure in his face growing. "Dad, she was fine. We were only talking. I only left her room half an hour ago...She was okay!" I felt a tear escape from my eye and track its way down my right cheek.

"Edward, it's okay. I'll be looking after her, and I'll do all that I can. Just stay calm, Bella needs us right now..." His hand landed gently on my shoulder, and I nodded as he squeezed. "Stay with Charlie, okay? I'll bring you both some news when I can." He turned his kind eyes onto Charlie before turning on his heel and walking briskly in the direction they had taken Bella. This so wasn't going to be awkward.

"I'm sorry, sir. I...I know we haven't met, but I swear nothing happened. We..." He held his hand up, and I wasn't sure whether he was going to hit me or tell me to leave. Or both.

"Edward, was it?" I nodded. This wasn't going to be good.

"I sure don't know who you are, son, but if you're Carlisle's boy then I guess you're the one Bella was tutoring?" I nodded again, wondering where this was going.

"I don't know why, but I trust you when you say nothing happened." I sighed in relief as he waved his hand at my head. "You care about her, don't you?" I choked as I breathed in, on fucking air again, at his random question.

"I don't...I mean...What?" I slumped down into the chair beside him and gave up on my explanation. His chuckle drew my eyes to his face. He was watching me, but he was considerably calmer and even smiling lightly at me.

"It's okay, boy...I looked like that once...I won't kill you this time." He smiled tightly and then chuckled, but as I laughed along with him I could tell mine sounded forced. He probably wasn't joking about the murder thing.

We lapsed into silence after that, not feeling like talking, or not having anything to talk about, I didn't know. I fidgeted constantly. I was far from comfortable in a hospital, but there was no way I was leaving until I knew she was okay. The hard plastic chairs we were sitting on did nothing to help with my lack of being still, and I soon found myself on my feet and pacing, much like Charlie had been.

When I looked to him, I noticed for the first time how much Bella resembled him. They even had the same mannerisms. The brown eyes were the same, the posture, right down to the wringing of the hands. However, what I noticed above that was that he looked broken, much like Bella sometimes showed. His only daughter, his little girl, was in the OR, and he had no idea what to do.

I fleetingly wondered where Renee was. Sure, I wasn't comfortable around her, but Bella was her daughter too. Charlie hadn't even called her. I decided that my family was just as messed up and that it was none of my business. The minutes turned into hours, and as the time Bella was operated on got longer, both Charlie and I grew more restless.

He handed me some money, and I headed off in the direction of the vending machine when the clock on the wall hit four fifteen. I managed to spill the piping hot liquid on my fingers twice on the way back, swearing both times, and receiving not-so-gracious looks from passing nurses. I smiled in apology both times and kept walking.

We all know that vending machine coffee is some of the worst, but it's still coffee. I gulped mine down, hoping it would help me get over the taste, and in the half an hour it took Charlie to finish his, Carlisle was walking back towards us.

I stopped my pacing, watching him for any clues as to how it went. The stoppage in movement obviously caught Charlie's attention as he looked to me before jumping to his feet at the sight of Carlisle. After what seemed like the longest thirty seconds of my life, Carlisle came to a stop in front of him with a smile on his face. I released the breath I had been holding and slumped back against the wall.

"Edward, you didn't have to wait. I know the memories being here must be bringing back." Carlisle looked at me sympathetically, but Charlie looked to me with something akin to wonder on his face.

"Yes, I did." I took a deep breath after my quiet answer, hoping Charlie hadn't heard me.

"Come and see her, son, before you go home?" He posed it as if I had a choice. I was thankful that he was even letting me see his daughter, and I realized there were more sides to Charlie Swan than Bella had ever let on.

"Are you sure?" He nodded his head with a small smile, and I followed my father and Bella's down the hall. They disappeared through a door into a private room, and I loitered outside it for a moment. I knew Bella couldn't feasibly be awake already, but how would she react to me being there if she found out? I was positively certain she wouldn't want me there.

I pushed the door open gently with my fingers before taking a deep breath and stepping into the room. Bella was lying still on the bed, her small body swamped in the covers, and attached to as many tubes as I had ever seen. With the silence in the room I could just hear her low breaths, and with that I realized I started breathing again, too.

Charlie and Carlisle were both watching me quietly, causing me to become nervous. As if sensing it, Carlisle put her file back and told us he would be back in a few minutes, leaving Charlie and I alone once again. Only this time, there was a fragile, paler than normal, Bella in the room.

Without really thinking about what I was doing, I headed towards her bedside and traced my fingers over her small hand. Knowing she couldn't protest, I wound my fingers around her palm with a smile and squeezed it gently. I suddenly wanted her to know I was there, but I knew it couldn't happen.

My heart had been practically breaking with every minute that had passed as she had been in surgery, but with her hand in mine, everything felt right again - as if I had figured out exactly where I should be. _I shouldn't be anywhere else. Even if Bella never needs me, I need her. This is what I need._

I stooped over slightly, and brushing a stray hair away from her face, I lowered my mouth to her ear. I waited for Charlie to tell me to back off, but he never did.

"I don't understand how I feel, Bella, so I don't expect you to. But I care about you...a lot. You wake up soon, okay? Your dad needs you." I raised my voice on the last part so that Charlie wouldn't think I was whispering uncouth things in his daughter's ear.

As I was pulling away, I was assaulted by a fuzzy feeling across my head. I knew the sensation well enough to know that my brain was trying to tell me something. I stood up abruptly, concentrating on nothing but the memory that was fighting its way to the surface of my frantic brain. Charlie was enquiring as to whether I was okay, so I held up a hand to placate him, not wanting to be distracted.

I became frustrated that I couldn't grasp anything. The only thing I got was a feeling of happiness, so strong that my eyes stung with tears, a feeling I hadn't come near since my accident. Until finally I was graced with something I could use.

_I was standing in my room in New York. Yet, there was something I wasn't expecting. There was a girl standing with her back to me, her long honey-brown hair flowing softly down her back as she leaned against the window frame. I felt nothing but content as I walked over to her, knowing she hadn't heard me enter the room. _

_Without any words, I wrapped my arms around her from behind and rested my head on her shoulder. An overpowering smell of strawberries mixed with summer air surrounded me as I breathed her in. She gasped at first at my sudden presence behind her, but she melted into my embrace, leaning back against my body gently and sighing quietly._

"_This view is beautiful. I can't believe you get this for free." Her voice was soft and content, telling me she was feeling the same way as me in that moment._

"_It's not as beautiful as you."_

_I chuckled as I felt her skin heat at my comment, knowing without looking that she had blushed at my words. She was always too self-conscious, as if she never really believed what I told her. _

"_You are my life now, everything about you is beautiful. Tell me you believe me," I said sounding commanding. I was rewarded with the answer I wanted most._

"_I believe you, Edward." I kissed the side of her neck and stood with her in my arms, feeling like nothing could take that moment or how I felt away from me._

When I opened my eyes, I was sitting in the armchair in Bella's hospital room with Charlie's hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see him watching me with concern etched in his eyes,

"You okay, son?" I nodded my head. I was more than okay. Yes, my memory had confused me. I suddenly I wondered if the only reason I was feeling these things for Bella was that she reminded me of someone I had forgotten.

With that, I felt sick. There was something entirely wrong with a situation like that. I took a few deep breaths before standing up. There was nothing physically wrong with me, I just had a seriously messed up brain. I swallowed thickly as I looked back at Bella.

I weaved my fingers through hers once more, as I thought back on what I had just remembered. I found myself wanting Bella to be the girl from my memory more than anything, but as powerful as the emotion was, I knew it was inconceivable. No matter how alike the situations where, it wasn't the same girl.

I let myself believe that Bella's hand squeezed mine gently, but I put it down to my overactive imagination. I pressed a gentle kiss to her temple before pulling back, amazed at how even her scent was similar to that that I had remembered; not that I had been around many girls. Was it possible for them to smell alike? Charlie tried to make it look like his attention was elsewhere, but I knew he had watched me closely. I stood up and took a few steps back. Facing Charlie again, I held out my hand to him.

With a firm shake, he nodded his head at me. "I do, sir..." His eyebrow lifted a little above his left eye, and I sighed. I wasn't sure I was ready to say it aloud, but he needed to know. "Care about, Bella...I do. But I don't think she's ready for that yet, sir, so I'll be whatever she needs me to be. I thought you should know..." I smiled at him sheepishly not knowing how he was going to take that little piece of information. His eyes flew over to Bella, before falling back on me.

"Thank you, Edward...For being here for her. She does need someone like you." He clapped his hand onto the side of my arm and nodded his head at me again. I was opening the door to leave before his words came back to me with a stab.

"Sir, someone should call Jasper. He should be here for her." When I turned, he looked at me closely before nodding again. It seemed that was all he did.

"I'll make sure he knows, Edward. Thank you."

I smiled before turning and leaving the room. The door clicked shut quietly behind me, and it wasn't until I heard Charlie pulling up the chair beside Bella's bedside that I walked away.

"Son?" Carlisle turned to face me as I wandered my way back to the front desk where he was standing, filling in a lengthy pile of paperwork. There were two nurses standing, nursing a cup of coffee each, on the opposite side of the station, and I noticed both of them look me up and down with a sly smile.

I had always been aware of the looks I received from the opposite sex. Emmett always said it was my sparkling eyes and sex hair, which, to me, made me sound like a fucking girl.

However, he was right, there was something about me that drew them in, but they just never satisfied me. Sure, I had tried to date a few girls after my accident, but I couldn't do it. Now that I had met Bella, anyone else's attention just didn't compare. I scoffed at that, as Bella had hardly given me anything.

"You okay?" I think I took him off guard by asking him the question he was about to ask me as surprise flitted across his face once again.

"It's been a long night, but I'm used to it after all these years." He smiled kindly before signing something one last time.

"Jane, can you make sure Mr. Swan signs these as soon as he can, please?" The nurse on the left nodded her head before taking the pile of paper off my dad, not refraining from batting her eyelids at him, too. Sick cow. He was married for fuck sake, and she had just eye fucked me. That shit was just wrong.

"Do you want that conversation now or will we just head home?" He capped his pen and stuck it back in his coat pocket as he waited for my answer.

"I think I've figured some stuff out, another time?" He smiled widely and nodded his head.

"Of course, I'm always around, Edward." I nodded my head, feeling guilty that it had taken me so long to come to him. As if reading my mind, he squeezed my shoulder again and furrowed his brow

"Did you sleep at all last night, son?" I shook my head, realizing that I had been up for nearly twenty-four hours. It had been a long time since I had last done that. I usually spent my time trying to sleep, because either I didn't sleep at night or I simply didn't want to be awake with my thoughts.

"Let's get home, yeah?" For some reason the word home suddenly meant so much more to me. Seeing how concerned Charlie was for Bella, and the way he had treated me, even under the circumstances, had me seeing things differently - even only a little differently.

I watched Carlisle walk to his black Mercedes that was parked in its private spot before sliding into my own. I followed him out of the hospital grounds, and drove home behind him. It wasn't until we hit the highway that I decided I was going to ask him something that he might answer. I wasn't asking for something I didn't know this time, and I prayed he would tell me the truth.

I hit dial on my phone; glad it was already rigged up to the hands-free, and waited for Carlisle's car to answer.

"Feeling lonely back there, son?" I chuckled quietly at his greeting, but who's to say I wasn't? It's not as if I was close to anyone anymore. I had practically alienated every person that cared for me or meant something to me.

"Was I in New York last summer, Dad?" I wasn't sure if I did it deliberately to try to ease him into answering, but I'm pretty sure Carlisle knew that was the first time I had called him dad since I got home from the accident. I heard him sigh gently, and I swear I saw him run his hand through his hair before he changed gear.

"Did you remember something, Edward?" Evasiveness. This, I was used to.

"You didn't answer my question, not that I'm surprised." The hostility was back in my tone, and I was about to hang up when he answered.

"Yes, Edward, you were. You said you wanted to get away, so your mom gave you the keys to her apartment, and you headed over there on your own for a month or two." I smiled to no one in particular as the sun started to rise above the trees surrounding us. I looked to the clock on the dash and noted with a yawn that it was nearly six in the morning.

"Thanks, Dad." I slowed down as his indicator signaled the impending turn on the road.

"You didn't tell me you remembered something, son?" I ignored the insinuation in his statement, knowing that if I were in his shoes I wouldn't put it past me either.

"It happened when I was in Bella's room in the hospital. I haven't really had a chance to think it through yet."

I turned after him, following into the darkness of the forest we lived in. Every time I drove this way, I wondered why the fuck we had moved into such a secluded part of the town. Hell, we weren't even in the town.

"Well, I'm here if you want to talk about it. Memories of a past you don't have can be very confusing for some patients." I nearly scoffed at him, but decided against it. He was a doctor, this was how he operated. No pun intended. I needed to try - we both did - if we were going to salvage any kind of relationship.

"How about I promise to talk to someone if I get too confused?" He laughed heartily at my comment, and I was glad everything was still going smoothly.

We both pulled up quietly in front of the still dark house, one after the other, not bothering to use the garage. There was something about being on the phone with a person, granted it was less personal than face-to-face, but in the previous circumstance, it had been a blessing. We had struggled to talk to each other in the past five months, and it would have been hard on both of us if I had decided to corner him in his study, as I had done on so many past occasions. With no results I might add; each non-descript answer putting more strain on our already ruined relationship. It was that way between all my family members and I, apart from Alice, who never took what I said at face value, and never listened to me when I basically told her to fuck off.

"Edward, dear, have you been out all night?" Esme's voice was teasing as I walked in the front door just as she was descending the stairs, but a small "oh" escaped her as Carlisle walked in behind me, shutting the door quietly so as not to wake or disturb the sleeping monsters upstairs.

"He was at the hospital, so we came home together." Carlisle gathered my mom into his arms and kissed her temple lightly, and for the first time I felt a stab of jealousy at their show of affection. Her eyes flew to me, and she started assessing every part of me she could visibly see.

"Miss Swan was admitted early this morning, and Edward stayed with Charlie, keeping him company." He looked at me over the top of her head. He hadn't lied, per-se, but he hadn't exactly told her the whole truth either.

"Oh no, the poor girl. Is she okay?" I thought I detected a hint of condescension in her voice, but I pegged it down to being so tired.

"Yes, love. She's okay now, plenty of rest is all she needs." He squeezed her into him, and I'd suddenly had enough.

My usual "get me out of any social situation" attitude had kicked in, and all I wanted was to crawl into bed. I turned on my heel and headed for the stairs, knowing both of my parents were watching me. Without another word, I headed up to my room.

I only barely had the energy to take off my shoes before I fell onto the top of my bed. The comfort was welcome, but sleep wouldn't come. Every time I shut my eyes, I was overpowered by everything that was Bella. Her sweet scent, her silky hair as I ran my fingers through it, the way her skin felt beneath my fingers, her body beneath mine, and most importantly, the way her lips felt when I kissed her, her soft breath mixing with mine in an intoxicating way.

I groaned and rolled over, the sunlight attacking my weak eyes. There was no way I was getting any sleep in a hurry. I knew the signs, and trying would just drive me to tears with boredom.

I heaved myself heavily out of bed and headed to my en-suite. It didn't take long before the room filled with steam from the hot water of the shower, but before I stepped into it, I decided it was a bad idea. I turned the faucet dramatically, laughing at the irony of the situation. All other guys my age were having cold showers because they had physical problems that I had been suffering from all week due to a certain Bella Swan. But that morning, all I needed was to wake up and stay awake; hot water would only do the opposite.

I tried to make it as short as possible, the cold water getting to the point of pain by the time I exited from the glass cube. I toweled off, leaving my hair damp, knowing it would help with its usual disarray, and changed into some fresh clothes. I decided on yet another pair of dark wash jeans, my converse and a grey hooded top that I had bought when visiting Yale while in New York last.

By the time I got back down to the kitchen, Carlisle had already disappeared, having most probably headed to bed as he was on night shift again. I entered silently, thankful that Esme had her back to the door, meaning less time for conversation if she didn't realize I was there.

Of course, the fact that I was less than quiet in making myself some toast alerted her to the fact that she wasn't alone, but I ignored her anyway, knowing she wanted to say something and wasn't doing so. I don't know how many times I had mentally screamed at her just to spit something out. I filled a glass with water and gulped it down before turning to face her.

"Edward, you should be sleeping. You've had a long night." I rolled my eyes at her supposed concern, not in the mood to wonder whether it was genuine or not.

"There's no point in trying to sleep when you know you can't. Take it from an expert in that field." Thankfully I had managed to stop any conversation she was about to start, and I set about eating my breakfast in silence.

As I rinsed my plate and glass, I suddenly had an idea. I was looking out at the garden that Esme prided herself in, with good reason. I barely knew what any of them were, but I was out the door and staring at them before I decided.

"Edward, is everything okay?" Esme followed me out onto the back patio, and I contemplated telling her anything.

"Is it okay if I pick a few flowers? These seem so much better than something I could buy, and I think Bella should have something." She smiled widely at me and linked her arm through mine with happiness etched all over her face. I guess I could give her this moment.

"Of course, how about some lilies?" I nodded my head and watched as she carefully picked a handful of striking, yet completely different flowers, telling me all their names as she did so. I didn't ask how she came to be growing flowers from all over the world. Guess I wasn't that well versed on gardening. The abundance of yellow and golden-orange at the bottom of the garden then caught my eye, and I found myself gravitating towards it.

"Can I take some sunflowers, too? They seem more like Bella." I turned to see her nod before picking three and placing them with the rest.

Esme wrapped their stems gently with string and handed them to me with a smile. As I set them on the passenger seat in the Volvo, I smiled too. I didn't think through my visit past the giving of the flowers, but that was really all I wanted to do anyway.

However, as I drove towards the hospital I had a nagging feeling in the back of my head. Had Bella told me before that sunflowers were her favourite? It seemed like she had, but I scoured mentally through every conversation we had had, and I was perfectly sure we had never discussed flowers. I quelled it, thinking that it was nothing important as I pulled into the same spot I had been in not four hours before.

She just seemed like a sunflower kind of girl was all.

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**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Soooooooo? **

**Let me know...**

**There were a lot of parents in that one too...who is our fav? Team Charlie, Carlise, Esme or the mysteriously missing Renee?**

**How did you like Edward's first important memory?**

**Thoughts on everything please cause I love them all :)**

**Twitter: LiveInDakota**

**xx**


	12. Wakeup Call

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**It's been a whole week! I've gotta say though that this chapter has been written for around ten days now but I waited because my laptop has gone into meltdown, hopefully if i've planned it right y'all wont have to wait too long for the next one :) See...I'm a smart cookie :)**

**SM owns all things Twilight...especially the very true quotes from our dear Edward and Bella in this chapter :) Can u spot '****em?**

**So it's the morning after again...why is it never how it sounds for our Bella?**

**Hope y'all enjoy xx**

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Chapter Twelve: Wake-up Call

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time.  
I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,  
With a broken heart that's still beating.  
In the pain, there is healing  
In your name I find meaning.  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you.

The broken locks were a warning,

You got inside my head.  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead.  
I still see your reflection, inside of my eyes  
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,  
With a broken heart that's still beating.  
In the pain, is there healing?  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day  
Just to see what, you throw my way.  
And I'm hanging, on to the words you say  
You said that I will be okay.

The broken lights on the freeway, left me here alone  
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain there is healing  
In your name I find meaning.  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,  
I'm barely holdin' on to you.

_Broken - Lifehouse_

_

* * *

_**Bella's POV: Now**

The first thing I was aware of was a fuzzy feeling, tingling from the tips of my toes, all the way up to my head. Like I wasn't really there at all. My brain was slowly beginning to function again, but it had forgotten to tell the rest of my body.

Even through the fog in my head though, I could sense someone extremely close to me. Their warm, soft breath was directly beside my ear, and I knew if I had been more alert, it would have made me shiver in pleasure. There was something altogether familiar about it, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't grasp onto the sweet nothings that were being whispered to me.

The voice of my father soon joined it and somehow managed to point me in the direction of the original. Edward was here. I turned my head in their direction and willed my eyes open, but to no avail. Edward was talking to my father. Edward was here with me. Charlie was here and talking to Edward.

That never-ending run of thoughts brought me to the surface quicker as my mind tried to listen in to what was being said. _"I'll be whatever she needs me to be." _Happy to have grasped even that, but too drowsy to contemplate what it even meant, I let myself slip further in to my happy fuzziness as their voices disappeared.

When I began to wake again, I could feel the sun hitting the outsides of my eyelids, causing more distress when I wanted to open them. After several tries, I managed to keep them open and take a look around at my surroundings.

My heart squeezed at the familiarity of the room. No, it wasn't the same one, but the private rooms in Forks' hospital weren't exactly imaginative. The same baby blue paint covered the four walls; the same beige futon ran along under the window, the door was in the same place, and, of course, all the technology and machines were exactly the same.

The only noticeable difference was that when I woke up, it was Charlie sleeping in my room and not Jasper. I looked around again, thinking maybe I had missed him, but no, there was no Jasper. Thankfully, this time there was no tube stuffed down my throat, but when I reached for the plastic cup on the cabinet at the side of my bed, I noticed the IV line shoved in the back of my wrist instead. It tweaked uncomfortably at the movement, and I tried not to think of the blood that would inevitably trickle down it, as was its purpose.

What worried me was that I couldn't feel anything. The lower half of my body was numb in a funny, fuzzy way like before. Thankfully, there was no pain, but it was bizarre to say the least. As I placed the cup back where it had been the door swung open quietly, and a little blonde nurse walked in, looking no older than me, exceptionally happy with herself for whatever reason.

"Miss Swan, how are you feeling?" I looked over to Charlie, but he was dead to the world. "Is anything hurting?" The nurse's voice cut through me like sharp glass, reminding me unpleasantly of Lauren. I settled my eyes back on her, my annoyance plain as day on my face.

"Where's Doctor Volturi?" If she was taken aback by my rude tone she didn't let it show. The only evidence that I wasn't her favorite patient was the slight narrowing of her eyes.

"He's on holiday in Italy. Doctor Cullen is your attending physician." She smiled tightly before picking up the clipboard at the bottom of my bed.

"Everything's numb, I feel fine." I turned my head and rested it back on the pillow, wishing her to leave, to rid me of the chills she was sending down my spine every time she looked at me.

"That's the anaesthetic, it'll wear off. When it does, press the button and someone will get you more pain relief," she answered with what looked like a genuine smile. I nodded in thanks before my eyes snapped to the door when a soft knock sounded throughout the room, finally waking Charlie from his slumber. Conversations he could sleep through, but a knock as quiet as could be would rouse him - how did that make sense?

I called "come in" softly and waited to see who it was. The sounds of the hospital at work floated in moments before Edward did, and my breath caught in my throat. His hair was utterly dishevelled, but surrounded by the dull colours of the hospital, he took my breath away. What really had me, though, was the colourful bunch of flowers in his left hand.

"You came back?" It was meant more to myself than anyone else, but both Edward and Charlie looked at me with raised eyebrows, and I realised I had voiced it a little louder than I thought.

"You knew I was here?" Edward's eyebrow cocked up in question, and I grinned at the confused and goofy look on his face.

"Yeah, whenever it was. I didn't hear what you said or anything I just kind of knew it was you..." I answered, blushing furiously as I focused my eyes on the flowers in his hand, willing the colour to fade from my cheeks.

"Edward, you should be asleep, son." The caring tone in Charlie's voice brought me out of my musings and I looked to him, seeing concern written across his features. Was Edward unwell? Moreover, why was Charlie being so polite?

"Wait...what time is it?" Both men looked back to me at the sound of my voice.

"I'll leave you all to it. Nice to see you again, Edward." My eyes nearly bugged out of my head as I watched the nurse, who had been such a bitch to me, hit openly on Edward in front of me.

The only thing that saved me from screaming at her was the fact that he looked completely repulsed when she brushed her hand along his arm before leaving the room. My discomfort was still prominent on my face when Edward looked back at me, but before he could say or do anything, I looked to Charlie. We weren't together anymore - I had no idea how I was supposed to act in that situation.

"Nearly 10 AM, sweet-pea." Charlie yawned and rubbed furiously at his eyes before standing up and stretching out his legs.

"Edward, what time did you leave at?" If Charlie was worried about Edward's lack of sleep, I had a fair idea that he hadn't been to bed at all.

"Eh...around five thirty?" He posed it as a question, shrugged his shoulders and raked his free hand through his hair. I think I even caught a pink tinge at the tops of his ears and nose.

"I think I'll leave you two to it. This old man needs some coffee. I'll be back in a while, Bella. Will you be okay here?" Charlie's soft eyes landed on me, and I smiled in reassurance. I wondered again why Charlie was being so trusting of Edward as he gave him a small nod before leaving the room, shutting the door behind him with a quiet click.

He left me in a room with Edward Cullen, with a bunch of flowers. As my eyes flicked back to the flowers and with Edward following my gaze, it was as if he suddenly remembered he was even holding them.

"Oh, yeah. I picked them from the garden...thought you might like something with a bit of colour in this place." He smiled sheepishly once again and held them out to me slowly, coming nearer my bed so I could reach them.

They were more perfect up close. I noticed that there were different kinds of lilies to add more colour, their petals all vibrantly differing. I fingered the soft petals of one of the sunflowers as a tear pricked at my eyes. Did he know? As if reading my mind, he spoke up again.

"I didn't know if you liked sunflowers, but they kind of...I don't know...seemed like you?" He was nervous once again, and I smiled at his bashfulness.

"They're my favourites, Edward. Thank you for these." I held them back out after taking a long deep breath of their subtle fragrance, and he placed them in the empty vase on my bedside cabinet, turning them so that the sunflowers were at the front.

"Charlie's right. You should be sleeping." He threw himself down into the chair beside my bed with a "humph," and I giggled at him as he rolled his eyes.

"Edward, I can see how tired you are from here!" I admonished, my playful tone not overshadowing the edge of seriousness in my voice.

"I couldn't sleep. I wanted to make sure you had them." He pointed his finger at the flowers, not bothering to lift his arm from his side.

"Thank you." I smiled again before looking away, somehow feeling awkward that I was alone with him.

We sat in relative silence for so long that I thought Edward had fallen asleep. I was going to leave him there, but when I looked around his eyes were very much open, and locked on me.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled unexpectedly.

"What for?" It seemed we were always apologizing to one another. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep track of what each of us had actually done.

"If I had come back like I had planned to, I would have found you...Not that it would have stopped whatever happened but I would have been there..." I watched in silence as he leaned forward in the chair and raked both his hands through his hair. He leaned his forehead on his palms and stayed hunched over. He was planning to come back? I hadn't run him off as I thought?

"I guess I overexerted myself. An operation I had a while back left me with stitches...I guess I managed to rupture them or something..." I shrugged lightly. He didn't need to know the gory details - they were a little too personal. Even Jasper had trouble coming to terms with the surgery I had undergone.

"It was my fault," he continued in a morose tone. Shit, I had forgotten how Edward tended to blame everything on himself. Some self-loathing bullshit that I had battled to overcome over the summer. I hadn't gotten very far. _"I don't deserve you, Bella."_

"No, Edward, that's not..." He held up his hand and shook his head, but I continued. "Don't try to shut me up, Edward. I mean it. So what? I got upset, shit happens. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault." I tried to punctuate each of my words, but with little movement, I didn't think I managed it very well. When I looked round to Edward, I noticed that he was smirking, and I lifted my eyebrow in question.

"Can you read minds or something, Bella?" He chuckled lowly, and I blushed.

"Like I said, I'm good..."

"Yeah, you're good at reading people. I know, you've said that before..." He chuckled again, and I bit my lip to stop myself from saying something in return.

"So you and Charlie, huh? When were you going to tell me about that little development?" I laughed as Edward chuckled and shrugged his shoulders.

"I told him I was with you before it happened...and instead of going crazy at me for being in his little girls room, he told me I could stay and see you when you got out of the O.R...He's a cool guy, Bella." My jaw was a little slack at the way he had described Charlie. Charlie wasn't like that...was he? Had I spent so little time with my own father that I no longer knew how he acted or felt?

At the thought of Charlie, I swallowed thickly, wondering for the first time since I awoke, where Renee was. Where was she? Why wasn't she there asking me a dozen questions, bragging about Edward sitting in the chair, not letting Edward sit in the chair? As my thoughts once again picked up speed, Charlie's voice sounded outside the door.

"And the nurse? You seem to have quite the fan club..." I battled the overwhelming feeling of jealousy that flooded over me at the thought of her touching him, trying to keep my face blank of the turmoil in my head, but as usual, Edward was on to me.

"Jane? She fucking scares me, I swear to God...She was all over me one minute this morning and then throwing herself at Carlisle the next...It was a little sick if you ask me..." I nodded my head slowly, thinking I had gotten away with my little slip up, but he was just luring me into a false sense of security.

"Is that jealousy I detect, Miss Swan?" Edward's voice, laced with a teasing tone had to be one of the sexiest sounds on the planet. If I wasn't mistaken, that list was growing exponentially.

"It was kind of hard not to notice, Edward." I slumped back onto the pillows again as my head started to feel heavy. I was saved from properly answering Edward's question by the return of Charlie, this time with Jasper on his heels.

He smiled at me worriedly before a scowl appeared on his face as his eyes fell on Edwards back. I shot him a warning glance as Edward turned at their approach, and watched with amusement as his scowl immediately transformed into a nonchalant nod in Edwards direction. However, stopping from doing one thing only ever transpired into him doing another, and I internally rolled my eyes as Jasper made his way towards me and gathered me into a gentle hug.

"You okay, Bells?" It was pretty obvious that he wasn't talking about the major surgery I had just awoken from, so I simply nodded at him with a smile.

"Can you and Edward go and get breakfast or something...I need to talk to my dad." I flicked my eyes over to Charlie who stopped moving restlessly at my admission. He didn't look too worried, but Jasper did.

"Bells?" His questioning glance had Edward intrigued, but I really needed them both gone if I was going to go through with it.

I nodded my head once again with a smile before watching them both leave. Edward looked at me warmly before smiling in return, his attention causing me to blush. His eyes flicked across my face before he smirked and headed out the door in front of Jasper. What were the chances that the two of them would come back in one piece?

"You really feeling okay, Bells?" Charlie stopped at the side of my bed before settling himself down beside me. He fiddled with the covers as he made himself comfortable, one leg resting on the other knee as he perched on the edge of the mattress.

"Yeah, Dad. I can't really feel anything, so I'm okay." He looked around the room nervously, and as I plucked up the courage to start, he spoke up.

"I'm sorry she isn't here."

"Huh? Oh Renee..." Was that what he thought I needed to talk to him about?

"She, uh...she flew out to New York yesterday...Said she needed some space. I tried to stop her, but you know your mother, almost as stubborn as you..." He tried to smile but it didn't reach his eyes. I didn't think I had ever seen my dad so miserable or...out of his depth. He was trying, but he honestly had no idea what he was doing.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"She only dropped it on me in the morning. When I came back from the airport you were in bed, and Jasper said you were unwell so I left you to sleep. Then you started screaming, and I tried to get you here as soon as I could...I'm so sorry, Bells." He coughed as his emotions got caught in the back of his throat. My dad had never been a man to share how he was feeling, let alone talk about how he was feeling, so I understood how hard it must have been for him.

"Dad, I'm okay...We're okay." I held my arms out, most probably looking ridiculous, but I couldn't move my body, so I waited for Charlie to come to me before I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. It had been a long time since Charlie and I had been alone together, and I relished the moment, having forgotten just how much I missed my own father.

"I missed you, Dad." I sniffed lightly as my tears began, and I squeezed him tighter to me.

"I missed you, too, kiddo. I'm glad you're back." My heart squelched at his admission. It was too much to hope that he hadn't noticed how retreated I had become in the past five months. I had inflicted more damage on the people around me than I had realised.

We sat for a couple of hours, talking about inconsequential things around us as we both calmed from our heart-to-heart. We played an interesting game of _I-spy _before we lapsed back into comfortable silence, both of us knowing that the other wasn't a big talker anyway.

I had an inkling about Renee, that she wasn't coming back, but I hadn't the heart to ask my dad. He was suffering enough as it was. It was hard to imagine what he must have gone through the night before; his wife leaving him without so much as an explanation, and then spending hours wondering whether his only daughter was going to live or not. That thought brought up another question from the silence we had been sitting in.

"I hear you and Edward got on well last night. Shouldn't you be scaring him off with the overprotective father speech?" We both chuckled as Charlie looked up from the newspaper he had begun to read.

"He's a good kid. I won't embarrass you by asking how you feel, but it's pretty obvious how he feels about you, Bells. Anyone that cares about my little girl as much as I do, or Jasper does, gets a free pass from me." I blushed and bit my lip, causing Charlie to chuckle again.

"It's complicated, Dad...I need to tell you something." At the deep breath I took, Charlie folded the paper back up and gave me his full attention.

"I met Edward last year...when we spent summer in New York?" He nodded his head, purposefully trying to keep any emotions off his face as I continued. How much should I tell him right now?

"He was the one I spent all my time with, the friend from the gallery that I kind of told you about?" He nodded again, scarily calm. I was waiting on edge for some kind of outburst. With that in mind, I left out the most important fact of my story and stored it in the "Tell Charlie at a later date" box.

"Edward was in an accident last September. Like, a really bad accident, I can't even...I don't even want to think how bad...but he lost his memory. Not all of it, just everything between April and September of last year...He doesn't even know who I am, Dad." My voice broke after me trying to keep it under control, and Charlie sat back in his perch and hugged me to him as the tears started to fall again.

Charlie pulled away and looked at me softly. I wasn't sure what was to be said, if anything, so I kept quiet, but his gaze didn't falter. Eventually he grabbed a tissue from the box beside my bed and started mopping at the tears that were still rolling down my cheeks.

"Doesn't change how he feels about you, Bells. The boy's crazy about you...take it from someone who knows..." He smiled kindly and chuckled when I hiccupped.

I felt like a little girl again as his hand started rubbing up and down on my arm, soft "shh" noises leaving his mouth as he tried to calm me down. I was hysterical a little too often for my liking these days.

Another soft knock at the door brought us out of our little bubble, and I scoffed at the coincidence as Edward popped his head round the door before stepping further into the room.

"I can come back if you want..." He pointed his thumb at the door much like he had at my window the night before, and it struck me how much had happened in a little over twelve hours.

"No need, come on in, Edward. I'm going to go get myself some food anyway." He tried to wink at me subtly, but it just didn't work. I heated up when I noticed Edward's fixed gaze on me.

"Where's Jasper?" I swear Edward's face fell at my question. We were alone again and the first thing I asked him was where Jasper was...Maybe I wasn't the only one who suffered from jealousy.

"He said something along the lines of 'I'll check on her later, but I think one of us is enough at a time.' I was surprised at how normal he was with me - here I was thinking he hated me." Edward's laugh was strained as I was given an insight into his brain. He was jealous of Jasper, even though he knew we weren't together, he didn't know about Alice, and he knew that Jasper had something against him even if he couldn't figure out what.

"He doesn't hate you, Edward. He's just protective. He's always looked after me. I don't think he knows how not to." I smiled at the quick slideshow of Bella/Jasper moments that flicked through my head.

Edward nodded in response, deliberately keeping his mouth shut, causing me to smirk at the expression on his face. Having him standing in the middle of the room was awkward, and I was wondering why he wasn't sitting like he had earlier, but once again he read my mind. His eyes locked with mine, he took a couple of small steps towards my bed, and smirked when he noticed the way I blushed under his unwavering gaze.

"You didn't answer my question earlier," he started. He didn't honestly expect me to remember what it was?

"You know, the one about you being jealous of Jane?" If possible, my face got hotter.

"I do believe I did, thanks. I told you it was hard not to notice." I crossed my arms in a move so immature I cringed at myself, and turned to look out at the darkening sky as the rain clouds once again descended over Forks.

"Did you think that maybe I asked you again because that wasn't the answer I wanted, Swan?" I had become accustomed to cocky Edward over our summer, but in the past week, I had seen very little of him. To see him back again was a welcome sign, even if it did annoy the hell out of me.

"What if I don't have that answer, Edward?" I gasped when I turned back around, finding him directly beside my bed, and looking at me the same way he had the night before.

"So you don't want me to kiss you?" His eyebrow arched deliciously above his eye. Shaking my head, he sighed gently, bathing me in his breath, distracting me from the fact that his head was still inching closer to me.

I closed my eyes, trying to find the strength to fight him off when his lips brushed a whisper of a kiss across my lips. I stopped breathing and waited, but when I eventually opened my eyes Edward had pulled back again and was watching me closely. All of his previous arrogance and assurance was gone from his demeanour, causing me to wonder what the hell had happened.

"Edward, what's wrong?" My hand found his atop the covers of its own accord, and I noticed Edward's eyes flick to our intertwined fingers before he looked back at me.

"You remind me of someone...I mean, it's stupid anyway because I don't even know who you remind me of..." My heart stopped completely, and I felt the pain in my chest. Yes, he made my heart stop frequently, but that time it was a bad heart stoppage.

Was it the time when everything came crashing down around me for the umpteenth time because I was lying to him? Everyone was lying to him, only he didn't know I was in on the master plan. And because of me, Jasper and Charlie were in on it too.

I pulled my hand away because I was disgusted with _myself_, but it didn't dawn on me that Edward would take it the wrong way.

"Please don't...I'm sorry. I just don't have anyone else to talk to..." And just like that he had me reeled in once again.

His emotions were splayed out across his face; I had hurt him. _Nowhere near as badly as you will when he finds out. _Why did consciences have to be right all the time? I pushed the nagging thought back down into the recesses of my mind, though. There was only one thing I could think of to fix the moment, and it was utterly selfish, like everything else I was doing,

"Kiss me, Edward?" His eyes locked onto mine immediately, and where I expected a smirk or a smart comment, there wasn't one. He wanted it as much as I did.

He stood from where he had perched on the side of the mattress, and took the final few steps towards the head of the bed. With the stack of around twenty pillows I was propped up on, he didn't have to dip his head too far before his mouth was hovering above mine, our breath tangling in the small space between us.

He was waiting for me to move the final inch, but I wasn't sure I could do it. Not because I didn't want to, but because I physically could barely move. I managed to raise my arms, though, so I fisted my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck and yanked his head to me, bringing his lips down onto mine in a kiss that wasn't as gentle as he had probably meant. He stilled in shock for a split second before his lips started to move fluidly with mine, bringing back the zinging electricity and the racing of my heart.

I pulled back in shock as the monitor beside my bed beeped loudly once, twice, three times. I flushed as dark as I ever had as I watched the regularity of my heart beat drop to normal once again. My hands were still locked in Edward's hair, even though I wasn't looking at him, frozen solid in mortification.

"That good, huh?" Edward's voice broke me out of my stupor, and I dropped my arms back onto the bed, refusing to look at him.

"Shut up, Edward," I mumbled before looking back to the window _again. _I wasn't sure why I was making such a big deal out of it, but at that moment, I was humiliated, and humiliation was a strong emotion. Maybe humiliation and pain meds were a lethal combination? And I was back to babbling.

"Bella, look at me." I shook my head slightly as his hands came up to either side of it. "Please?" His touch was gentle as he turned my head to look at him, and he frowned as I blinked back the tears.

It occurred to me then that it was affecting me so much because the "normal" rhythm of my heart was when it was broken and cold. The way it had been for nearly five months. There was nothing I wanted more than to get back to a proper normal, where my heart raced all the time, without remembering the pain I had already gone through.

"Talk to me, Bella, please..."

"I can't, Edward." I shook my head and dropped my gaze to my hands. Edward immediately grasped them in his own before he started rubbing circles into the skin at my wrists, careful not to hurt me where the tube was stuffed in under my skin.

"Well, I for one like knowing that your heart does the same thing mine does." He was smiling sweetly at me when I looked back up, as he tried to change the tone and atmosphere in the room.

The tears fell from my eyes, no longer able to keep them locked inside, I gave up. I closed them and relaxed as his cool fingers brushed them away from under my eyes, before his lips pressed lightly to the same spot under each eye.

"I don't deserve you, Edward," I said, sighing.

I didn't, and I was going to tell him that every damn day. I hoped that he would see for himself that he could have someone so much better than the one who was lying to him more than anyone else in his life. If and when he ever found out, he would never forgive me, a thought that haunted my every waking moment and every sleeping one too.

Before he could answer, Jane was back in the room, brandishing a syringe. Her eyes flitted between me and Edward, evaluating our close proximity and the handholding before she scowled openly at me. I tried to ignore her as she got closer, but failed miserably, eventually pulling my hands away from him again.

"More pain medication," she informed me as I looked at the syringe quizzically. It didn't take long before the drowsiness seeped through my blood stream, and I laid my head back on the pillows, my head too heavy to keep up.

When Edwards long, thin fingers wound themselves around mine, I opened my heavy-lidded eyelids to find him watching me with amusement on his face. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Jane was watching us once again, and I knew he was up to something as she filled out my chart.

"Get some rest, Bella. I'll be right here when you wake up." He smiled genuinely to let me know he wasn't lying for her benefit before he stood up and leaned over me once again. He pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead, and I shivered in response before his lips met mine in the sweetest kiss I think I had ever received.

The clipboard clattered into the holder at the end of my bed loudly before the nurse practically stomped her way out of the room, and I smiled against Edward's lips as the door shut noisily behind her. He skimmed his nose along my jaw to my ear and I held my breath, wishfully thinking he would kiss me there. What I got instead was better.

"I prefer brunettes..." He kissed the spot beneath my ear lazily and chuckled as he felt my flesh heat at his words.

I was too drowsy to care, and too tired to wipe the smile from my face as I closed my eyes. I could smell Edward, even above the usual hospital scent that had been surrounding me all day, and I held onto it, along with his hand as I felt the darkness take me properly.

"Please don't leave me..." I slurred my words and found I could no longer open my eyes.

"I'm right here, Bella, always..." I was pretty sure my wishful thinking added the last bit in for my own benefit.

The last thing I was aware of was a soft kiss to my temple, and a squeeze of my hand before the black took me completely. I was content and peaceful as I fell into a deep sleep with a small smile on my lips.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Ah! How cute is Charlie? I love him :) Has Bella made the right decision? How on earth is she going to get herself out of the mess that's building?**

**So please as always, let me know what y'all think...I can't change what you don't like if you don't tell me what it is :P**

**Twitter = LiveInDakota**

**Alongside having no laptop my exams started today! Advanced higher English! Sorta the same as your first year of Uni if you pick English only I did it in school for those of you who aren't Scottish :)**

**Review please xxxxxxxx**


	13. Hidden Truths

****

Author's Chapter Notes:

**Less than a week! How happy are ya?**

**So it was my French exam this morning and I figured I'd start on a new fanfic...fluent in French Edward anyone? :)**

**So...this has quite a lot of progress in it this one! Big decisions are made so I'll hand over to our little Bella Swan for the important part...**

**SM owns all things Twilight :)**

**Enjoy x**

* * *

Chapter Thirteen: Hidden Truths

How the time passed away  
All the trouble that we gave  
And all those day we spent out by the lake.  
Has it all gone to waste?  
All the promises we made  
One by one they vanished just the same.

All the things I still remember  
Summers never looked the same  
Years go by and time just seems to fly  
But the memories remain.  
In the middle of September  
We still played out in the rain  
Nothing to lose but everything to gain.  
Reflecting now on how things could've been;  
It was worth it in the end.

Now it all seems so clear  
There's nothing left to fear  
So we made our way by finding what was real.  
Now the days are so long  
That summer's moving on  
Reach for something that's already gone

All the things I still remember  
Summers never look the same  
Years go by and time just seems to fly  
But the memories remain.  
In the middle of September  
We still played out in the rain  
Nothing to lose but everything to gain.  
Reflecting now on how things could've been;  
It was worth it in the end.

Yeah, we knew we had to leave this town,  
But we never knew when and we never knew how  
We would up here the way we are.

We knew we had to leave this town,  
But we never knew when and we never knew how...

All the things I still remember  
Summers never look the same  
Years go by and time just seems to fly  
But the memories remain.  
In the middle of September  
We still played out in the rain  
Nothing to lose but everything to gain.  
Reflecting now on how things could've been;  
It was worth it in the end.

_Daughtry - September_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

A loud and shrill beep woke me from my slumber the second time around. The darkness filling the room disorientated me until I realized it was obviously the middle of the night.

A heavy weight on my left side had me intrigued. My breath caught and a smile broke out across my face. Edward's mop of coppery tinted hair was resting atop the covers beside my arm. His hand was still interlocked with mine as he slept peacefully beside me, causing warmth I hadn't felt in a long time to seep over me.

Movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention and my eyes fell on Carlisle Cullen. His check-up was what had caused the annoying beep in my ear.

I giggled at the thought that he had just caught his son sleeping with me, but it soon turned to pain as I realized that that very scenario was the one that got me into this mess in the first place. Then I had to remind myself not to blame Edward.

"How are you feeling, Bella?" Carlisle's voice was soft, his Chicago accent coming through more prominently in whisper.

"I don't feel so numb." I concentrated on my body for a moment and discovered that I was in a lot more pain than I had previously been.

"Pain?" I nodded my head and watched as he picked up my notes and scanned through them.

He placed them down again before snatching the torch from his coat pocket lithely and silently asking me to look up, down, left and right, before pocketing it again. As he wrote something down in a script, not unlike Edward's, I looked around the room.

While Edward was sleeping soundly to my left, using my bed as best as he could while still sitting in the chair, Charlie was sprawled on the futon on my opposite side. It occurred to me that once It had gotten late, Charlie hadn't woken Edward up, asking him to leave. The trusting and considerate side to him warmed my heart as I wondered if he had really meant the comment about how Edward felt about me.

"Can you tell me what happened?" I hated the standard Doctor questions - I was sure he could work it out without me having to tell him. There was nothing wrong with my memory, so there was no need to ask.

"I guess I got too stressed out. Dr. V told me I had to stay calm and not pressure myself for at least six months. It's only been five..." I didn't look Carlisle in the eye. There was a very slim chance that he didn't know what had happened to me. He had read my friggin' notes for Christ's sake. He knew everything.

"Can I ask you something, Bella?" From the corner of my eye, I saw him hook my chart back onto the end of the bed before shoving his hands in his pockets and standing still. I knew that if I didn't answer he would ask it anyway, so what was the point?

"Did Edward know? Before...before everything happened?" In that one, tiny hesitance I realized that Carlisle Cullen wasn't coping with Edward's mental "injuries" as well as he made out to be. Maybe I shouldn't have judged him so harshly after all, no matter what I knew about him.

A tear escaped from my eye as I shook my head slowly. Would it have made any difference if Edward had known? Would it have crushed me less or more when Edward got in a car to come and see our baby and me and then forget everything because of the accident? How would our situation have been any different? Would I still have suffered a miscarriage? Would I have given the baby up for adoption if it had survived? Would we have been a team and be preparing for the birth of our child and managed despite our age?

After all, Edward had said he loved me, and I knew a lot more about him than even he did now. There were keys to Edward's past and future that he had no idea about, but who was I to tell him what they were? After all, he barely knew me.

A cold chill ran down my spine, as it always did when entertaining that train of thought. I didn't want to think of losing Edward completely. He was lucky to be alive and although I had thought he had abandoned me, a world without Edward in it seemed like a much bleaker place. Us not being together was one thing, but Edward not being around at all was another thing entirely.

Carlisle sighed and I wondered if he was thinking the same as I had been. A storm of conflicting emotions was playing out behind his eyes; a scene all too familiar to how I had been feeling for the past week.

I decided then, that I had no right to judge Carlisle at all, having only Edward's point of view of everything that had transpired between them. Some would argue, rightly, that it was none of my business anyway. It wasn't as if I was a part of their family; the baby that would have tied me to them having not survived past five weeks in term.

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that alone, Bella. I swear if any of us had known we wouldn't have let you go through it on your own."

"I wasn't on my own. Jasper was here for me through it all." He nodded his head dejectedly and, once again, I realized I was being a complete bitch to people for no apparent reason.

"Thank you, though." He smiled weakly at my attempt to be civil, but we both knew it was going to take more than a few kind words from either of us. I lifted my hand gently to Edward's head and entwined my fingers in his devilishly silky hair with a soft sigh. He twitched in his sleep as my fingers scraped his scalp gently before Carlisle spoke up again.

"Did you know if it was a boy or..." Edward stirred more, silencing Carlisle almost immediately and my heart thrummed painfully in my chest. Had Edward heard anything? I had no way of knowing how long he had been awake.

"Hey, sleepy head," I murmured. He turned his sleep filled eyes to me with a small smile before taking my hand from his head, intertwining our hands exactly the same as the others.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep on you." He smirked wryly and I chuckled, careful to keep any noise to a minimum, knowing Charlie, too, needed all the sleep he could get.

"Everything okay, Doc?" He turned his smile to Carlisle as he voiced his concern. I blushed at the protective side in the way he was asking for me.

"With Bella yes, but you need more sleep, Edward. I don't want you wearing yourself down." He looked at his son pointedly and I squeezed Edward's hand, for some reason aware that he was about to say something less than polite to his dad. His eyes flicked to where the pressure had come from before he looked back up to Carlisle and simply nodded his head in response.

"Do you have any questions, Bella?" He walked around my bed, and with a flick of his fingers, he was pressing his cold stethoscope to my chest and asking me to breathe in.

"When can I go home?" He placed it back around his neck before, once again, looking at all the numbers on the machine beside my bed.

"I'd like to keep you in for at least two days to make sure you get the rest you need. After that I can't stress enough how much you can't do. I don't even want you lifting your schoolbag for a while, okay?" My eyes bugged out of my head. For some reason, though I knew how serious it was, I hadn't really thought about it. I would have to take the week, at least, off school. There was nothing I hated more than being stuck at home.

"I'm in for the rest of the night, Bella. So press the button if you need anything." I smiled as kindly as I could before I watched him turn and leave the room. My smile vanished instantaneously as Edward looked back at me, concern etched across his features.

"How much of that did you hear, Edward?" His brows furrowed momentarily before he sighed in what seemed like reluctance.

"None of it if you didn't want me to. It's none of my business." He tried to smile in reassurance, but the questions were still there, floating behind his eyes.

"How about I answer your questions, in the morning, if you promise to go home and get some sleep?" He shook his head almost immediately, causing me to giggle.

"I said I wouldn't leave." His voice took on the persona of a petulant child and I grinned even more. "But now I'm asking you to leave, you need more sleep, Edward. I'll be right here. I promise I'm not going anywhere, and besides, I have a guard anyway." I jabbed my thumb in Charlie's direction and was pleased to see Edward nod in the near darkness.

"Can I come back in the morning?" Did he think I was trying to get rid of him for good? Sometimes it genuinely seemed like Edward was as insecure as I was in his beliefs.

"I'd like that." I smiled as he stood up slowly and sleepily from the chair.

He bent over to me once again, placing his cold lips against my forehead twice before descending on my mouth. With how tired we both were and the fact that my father was in the room, the kiss, for once, didn't heat up too much, but just enough to let me know that we were both still wanting more. I hadn't thought of a name for it but I loved every second of whatever was happening between us.

I pressed the button beside my right hand not long after he left and asked if Carlisle could give me more pain meds when he re-entered the room. His worry evaporated when he saw that I was happy and only wanting more numbness. It wasn't long before I was letting go to the peaceful darkness once again.

**~FMN~**

Each time I awoke I lost more time in reality, and I found myself struggling to remember just how long I had been lying in that hospital bed. It was daylight, early morning if my powers of observation were any good. It had been nearing one when I practically kicked Edward out, and I smiled at the memory of him being there when I awoke.

I furrowed my eyebrows. I was happy that he had been there, and I was anxiously awaiting his return. I wasn't nervous, and I wasn't worried, even knowing what I had promised him. Instead, I felt a kind of relief that I was going to be able to discuss it with someone. It was only an added bonus that it was actually Edward, even if he didn't know it.

I lay quietly in my spot as I listened to the sounds of the hospital around me. An emergency came in shortly after I awoke, the whirring of the helicopter blades effectively waking Charlie from his slumber on the futon to my right.

"Morning, Dad." He smiled sleepily at me before a look of confusion swept across his features.

"Where's Edward?"

"I made him go home around one. I can be very persuasive, and he promised me he would get some sleep." I smiled triumphantly, causing Charlie to chuckle loudly.

"I sure hope that boy knows what he's getting himself into." He shook his head slowly before standing from his position.

"Dad?" He turned at my request and I bit my lip, not entirely sure what to say. "Are you, like...okay with Edward...I mean if I...we..." I blushed crimson and shook my head, knowing I couldn't get the words out.

"If Edward, or you, decides to tell me that you're together...I guess I'd be pretty happy. He's a good kid, Bells...I trust him to look after you." He squeezed my shoulder before leaving the room, probably feeling as awkward as I did.

The tears were pricking at my eyes as Jane floated into my room, clearly on the same shift as the previous day. No pleasantries or dialogue at all was swapped between us as she finished her round, and she left the room as abruptly as the day before.

The tears were threatening because I had truly missed a shift in my father's personality. His acceptance of Edward and his intuition as to how I was feeling at any point was astounding, and I began to wonder whether I ever really knew him at all.

That, in turn, took me to thinking about Renee. Charlie had always seemed to grow in her shadow, same opinions, same likes and dislikes. Maybe he didn't really know who he was either. I had a small smile on my face at the thought that Charlie was a different person, a better person, when Renee wasn't there. That thought only made me feel guilty. My mom had just left us, and my dad was coping with his daughter in hospital, and there I was sitting, happy that she was gone. I was finding something good in the fact that his wife had left him.

I scowled when the door opened again. It was so busy, I entertained the ridiculous thought of opening a coffee shop or something similar in the room. Must have been the pain meds.

No doubt looking crazy, an equally crazy mop of hair ducked round the door, and I felt myself smile at the picture of Edward just out of bed. Pillow hair and sparkling eyes, complete with a cup of coffee in each hand. I laughed aloud at the coincidence of him bringing me coffee, causing him to knit his eyebrows together.

"I was just thinking about opening a coffee shop." I waved my fingers at what he was holding, and blushed at how ridiculous I did indeed sound.

He was still chuckling as he sat on the chair he hadn't long vacated. "I'm not sure I want to know." He shook his head, his hair falling out of place as he looked over at me.

The fact that he was close enough to touch would never be a good thing when it came to me and Edward, and without thinking about it, I lifted my left hand and ran my fingers through his hair, combing it up and back onto his head. I let the pads of my fingertips brush across his forehead in sheer torture and noticed with a smug feeling that Edward had stopped breathing and closed his eyes.

"I love your hair." The whispered words were out of my mouth before I realized, causing me to drop my hand and my eyes to the bed.

"It's been known to have an effect." He chuckled, and I could tell he was looking at me, but there was some unseen force keeping my eyes glued to the sheets.

"All part of the dazzling package, huh?" _Shit what was wrong with me?_

He said he had remembered something, I did not want to trigger more and saying things that would most definitely trigger things.

_The sun streamed through the glass windows, onto my hands and the ice cream I was slowly enjoying, causing it to melt quicker than I wanted. The tall sundae glass before me was filled to the brim with yummy goodness, and my companion had promised it would be the best I had tasted. He hadn't been wrong...not that he really ever was._

_I looked up from my giant spoon to see him looking at me with a funny expression on his face. I blushed, not knowing what he was thinking and wiped at my mouth as inconspicuously as I could, hoping there was nothing on me that he was staring at. Finding nothing, I blushed further under his scrutiny. Seeing my discomfort, he smirked before licking his own ice cream from the wafer he had been holding._

_It had to be some sort of crime that one person could look so damn sexy, all the time. Even eating a freaking ice cream made him look like some kind of Greek God. How was that fair to the rest of us mortals?_

_His Raybans were pushed up through his gloriously dishevelled hair as we sat inside the little café; perfect for me because I could see the eyes I had grown so attached to. Emerald in colour and capable of holding all the emotions ever expressed in time. They, at times, were pools of expression and sparkled mischievously in the sun. Either that, or he was always up to something when the sun was shining: which now that I knew him, wasn't hard to imagine._

"_Edward, stop!" I winced, my statement sounding a little too whiny for my liking, to which Edward only chuckled. Of course._

"_What? I'm not doing a thing." He smirked, looking the epitome of smug and innocent all at the same time._

"_Stop looking at me like that..." I waved my right hand at his face for emphasis, but instead of an apology or something similar, he only looked curious. That wasn't a good thing._

"_Bella, I wasn't doing anything..." He genuinely looked confused, but it was probably an act as I answered too honestly._

"_Yes you are...you're...dazzling me." Shit. Blush and cover, folks, blush and cover._

"_I don't think I understand what you mean, Bella." His voice was too innocent this time and I looked up to see him trying in vain to cover his smirk._

"_Edward, shut up." My eyes hit the table once again, and I concentrated on the melted mess in front of me. I sighed gently when a few minutes had passed, thinking the conversation was finished. Like I had luck like that._

"_Do I dazzle you?" My eyes flew to his before I could stop them, but instead of arrogance, he looked slightly amused if only a little anxious for my answer. Didn't he know the effect he had on me?_

_I nodded my head slowly, biting my bottom lip. "Frequently." I battled the blush and managed to not light up like a beacon at my admission, smiling at the way his face twisted up into his perfect crooked smile that made me weak at the knees._

"_Hmm" was the only answer I received, but he took his glasses off his head and ran his left hand through his hair, causing me to groan embarrassingly._

"_Ugh, that doesn't help!" A few customers turned to look at me as my voice rose in volume._

"_What now?"_

"_The hair! It's an integral part of the 'Dazzle Package.'" I emphasised my point with air quotes, knowing I was beyond mortification at that point anyway._

"_So I'm a dazzling package now?" I nodded my head. Why was I telling him this? _

_When I finished my sundae and wiped my mouth insecurely, I felt two cold fingers under my chin, causing me to break out in goosebumps. Edward was suddenly occupying the seat next to me at our small table and I wondered how I hadn't noticed him moving. He lifted my head gently and I was instantly caught in his gaze._

"_I'm only interested in dazzling you...so is it really such a bad thing?" I giggled lightly, and Edward smiled as I shook my head._

"_You don't need to dazzle me, I'm here already." I felt more than heard him sigh gently as his breath washed over me, making me dizzy before he pressed his ice-cold lips against mine._

_I was momentarily taken aback. He had only kissed me once and that was when I met him at his apartment that morning; when we had been alone. We were sitting in a busy New York café, bustling with holidaymakers and couples alike, who were making the most of the blistering city heat. _

_However, as Edward's lips moved gently against mine in a chaste kiss, everyone else disappeared. The noise turned to a hum in the background and I was only aware of the feeling, taste and scent of Edward. He was almost too good to be true. He pulled away slightly and leaned his forehead on mine, smiling like he had just had the best dream._

"_Ready to go?" I nodded and nearly did a happy dance when he weaved his long, slim fingers into my slightly podgier ones._

_I stood from my chair, consciously checking that my summer dress was sitting right at the back before I stepped closer to Edward. This time I couldn't contain the grin that overtook my face as he slipped his long arm around my waist and steered me out into the noise and heat of New York in summer._

EPOV Now:

I wasn't sure if I was entirely aware of the shift in our dynamic, but I was fucking loving it. She was more open with me, flirting when I least expected it, welcoming of my kisses, and fucking touching me. This was some severe progress. However, as her words registered, a familiar tunnel like feeling washed over me.

_This time it was summer, I could tell by the wall of heat that hit me when I exited the little ice-cream shop I knew and loved in New York. I slipped my Raybans down over my eyes, thankful for the relief from the sun's glare. My heart thudded awkwardly as I felt a small arm wind its way partially around my back and rest on the back pocket of my jeans. _

_She was tiny and it wasn't Alice. I had seen the same girl before. We were walking slowly, making the most of the weather and the time we had together. There was no need for conversation, the silence we found ourselves in was both comforting and peaceful as we meandered through the busy streets, never once breaking the hold we had on one another._

_I was thinking about getting in a cab with her to make sure she got back to her hotel okay when she wrapped her other arm around my front. We had wound up on one of the corners of Times Square and she stopped to look around. She didn't live in New York, she was only on vacation. However, the feelings I felt stirring in me where far from that of summer romance. _

_When she sighed quietly, I turned my head in her direction and placed a kiss on the crown of her head, breathing in her fruity scent in the process. Even in the middle of the city, I could smell the soft scent of strawberries floating off her long hair. Must have been her shampoo._

"_This place is amazing, Edward...I wish I could stay here." Her voice was partially drowned out in the noise of the traffic, but I managed to catch each word. Her voice stirred something in me; it was familiar, maybe because I had already remembered her._

_She tightened her hold on me for a few seconds before stepping again. I hadn't said anything, I was too busy agonising over the fact that she had to leave. There was no way around it. No matter how I felt, it was only summer and she had to go home._

_Standing in Times Square, with the magic of New York floating around the bubble we had locked ourselves in, I found myself somehow knowing that if and when she left me she would take a large part of me with her. Most probably my heart. It was in that moment I first realised she owned it, whether she was aware of it or not._

When I opened my eyes, I was staring into the chocolate depths of Bella's. She was chewing on her bottom lip, almost to the point of pain, with a concerned look on her heart-shaped face. Somehow, she knew what had been happening. Why was she so worried?

"Hey, what's wrong?" I put our coffees down and took her small hand in mine, willing her to look at me as she turned away.

"I...you zoned out." That didn't exactly answer my question, but I would take what I could get.

"Yeah, I was wondering whether I dazzle you." She blushed right on cue and I smirked at her reaction. She bit her bottom lip again and looked to the window, almost as if for help. I freed her lip from her teeth once again with my finger, thinking I had done it a million times before and turned her to face me as I stood slowly.

"Tell me the truth, Bella, I can't read your mind. I want to know how you feel, all the time if I can." I was worrying I had said a bit too much again, but she sighed gently and squeezed my hand.

"You remembered something." Again a statement instead of a proper answer. I nodded, not sure what direction to take this conversation.

"Why does that worry you?" I felt sick that my admission the day before had somehow ruined how she felt, or how she thought I felt.

"I don't know." She seemed genuine enough, but there was something lying under the surface that told me there was more going on in our situation than I knew, but somehow she did.

I bent my head and pressed my lips to hers, willing her to just let me in, knowing there was something she was holding back. Or rather, there was something holding her back.

In the few times I had kissed her it had become one of my favourite things to do, but I also learned that it was the only time that she completely let her guard down. I couldn't help but hate the fucker who had done this to her. I realized she was drunk when she told me, but there was no doubt in my mind that the guy before me had broken her heart.

She had loved him, and that thought fucking scared me more than any other. Simply because in the last twenty-four hours I had learned that I had once felt the same way. Only, I had no idea if I should still feel the same way, who broke it off, if anyone broke it off, and who the fuck she was. Who the fuck fell in love and then forgot she ever existed? I was as much of an asshole as the one I wanted to kill for Bella.

As I sank back down into my chair, I wondered if I was just as bad for her as he had been. I swore to myself I wouldn't hurt her, but in the end I knew I would. I was going to remember this girl at some point, and even telling Bella about her was going to hurt her. How the fuck did I get myself into this mess? Someone up there must really hate me.

"Edward?" I realised I had been in my head again and that Bella was back to worrying.

"Sorry, daydreaming...I brought you a coffee." She giggled at me because it was the most obvious thing in the world. I had walked in with two, and I was now holding one out for her. How stupid did I seem right then? But she laughed, and I'd do it again to hear that sound as often as possible.

"Uh...Am I allowed this?" Aha, there was where I pulled out the big guns.

"Carlisle said it was okay as long as you had eaten." I smiled, and she tried to protest, because of course, she hadn't had breakfast yet, but I held my hand up to her before I rummaged through my bag.

She giggled again as I produced two brown paper bags. I placed them on the bed between us, and Bella immediately reached for one, turning it so the label faced her. A bout of clapping brought me out of my bag and I laughed at her antics. How could breakfast be that exciting? I had only gone to the deli in town and picked up some croissants and muffins. Not exactly the healthiest, but anything is fucking better than hospital food. Trust me I knew.

"Help yourself." I laughed as she squealed quietly; the only sound for the remainder of breakfast as we both concentrated on inhaling the food. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until that moment and my half was gone in under ten minutes.

"Oh my God! Thank you, Edward! That was just...amazing..." She hummed in pleasure, and even in the circumstances I could feel myself growing hard. Who the fuck cared if she was in a hospital bed and gown? She still had a power over me I couldn't fathom.

Minutes passed in comfortable silence as I cleaned our mess up and I piled it all into my bag, knowing it was probably against some health and safety rule somewhere to put it in a hospital bin.

When I leaned back in the chair and rolled my head, trying to relieve some of the tension in my neck, Bella leaned forward slightly and cupped her hand around her mouth, ready to whisper something as if she was four. She beckoned me closer with her other hand and I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees.

"I think I can go home tomorrow!" She smiled brightly and I chuckled at our immature behaviour.

"Why exactly are we whispering?"

"Don't you think doctors are a bit conspiratorial with their "staying times?" I'm not taking any chances!" She leaned back onto her pillows with a nod of her head and smiled as I rolled my eyes.

"If my dad said you can go home tomorrow then he'll stick to his word. He's only worried about you." At my own admission I remembered their discussion as I woke the night before and the promise that had been made. It had genuinely been forgotten until that moment.

"Edward?"

"You don't have to tell me anything, Bella, really. It's none of my business if you want it to be that way." I smiled at her, and I watched as my sincerity sunk in. But she shook her head.

"No, I want to...I mean, I've never talked about it before...and...I..." She was stumbling over her words, telling me she was nervous even if she thought she was ready for this.

"I'm right here. Tell me as much or as little as you want." She smiled as I nodded my head before taking a deep breath and looking me straight in the eye.

What the fuck had I done? I had heard the basics of their conversation, and I wasn't sure I could listen to it all without wanting to hunt down the fucker and kill him. But I had to be calm for Bella, it was nothing to do with me and right at that moment, she needed someone to listen to her. I was going to be that someone, I promised her I would be there. So I squeezed her hand and started rubbing small circles into the base of her thumb with my own as she started her tale.

Bella's POV: Now

Where the hell did I start? How much do I tell him? How do I tell him by omitting him, he was like the entire core and point to the story. How could I tell him anything without telling him about us and about him? I was in way deeper than I had originally thought.

"I loved him; I will never doubt that because I know, despite how young I was, that I was in love with him. And he loved me too, he did. He didn't just tell me he did, he properly showed me that he did." Where the hell was I going to go with this? How was I supposed to tell Edward that I slept with someone that I loved and still expected him to believe that I had feelings for him?

"It wasn't just a summer thing, we were going to make it work, and we had most of it planned out." For some reason he chose that moment to squeeze my hand, and I wondered what he had remembered not half an hour before.

"The night before I left, I stayed with him. I lied to my parents just so I could have that one night. Nothing was planned, we didn't do anything at all; we just spent the night, together. I woke up in his arms, and I swear it was one of the best feelings in the world."

I decided then that I was going to be brutally honest with him, hoping that when he remembered, instead of hating me for lying to him, he would remember the things I said about him. It was all I had.

"We were both pretty broken the morning I was supposed to leave. I don't really remember how it started, but I gave myself to him." I cringed at my phrasing, but I didn't know how else to describe it.

"I loved him so much, and it was perfect. Every single moment of it, _he_ was perfect. But I still had to leave, that didn't change. So I left him. I drove away from everything I wanted and got on a plane and flew home." The tears were falling steadily and silently at this point, recalling a broken heart was just as painful as the first-hand experience.

Edward took my break as a chance to help me. His thumbs swept across my cheeks time and again, sweeping away my tears as best as he could, but when I looked at him I could see the pain and anger etched into his face. He was deliberately staying calm and gentle with me and he probably thought I was being deliberately cruel and cold with him by telling him everything.

Once again, not knowing what else to do, I took his chin in my hand and pulled his head to mine gently, pressing my lips against his, willing him to grant me this. But he didn't respond and I pulled back, the tears returning full force.

"Tell me to stop, Edward." He perched on the side of my bed and waited for me to look at him before shaking his head. He anchored his right hand in the hair at the base of my neck and rubbed circles there, while his left did the same on my hand.

"What happened?" If I hadn't seen the pain for myself, I would have thought Edward was okay with all of it, but I knew he wasn't. My plan to help Edward in the future was only hurting him in the present.

"We kept in touch like he promised, but after nearly two weeks it all just ended. No calls, no texts, no e-mails, no letters, no replies to anything. It was like he fell off the face of the earth and I couldn't understand it. He left me with no explanation and the hardest part was that I didn't even know if he had left me. Can you leave someone when you're not around them in the first place?" I was rambling so I took another deep breath and tried to calm myself down.

"I hated him, or at least I thought I did. Three weeks after it all stopped, I had a miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I lost the only thing that tied me to him, and I couldn't tell anyone about it. Except Jasper, he was here with me through it all; he even helped lie to my parents." I laughed humourlessly and the sound chilled even me.

"He told them we went camping and got his parents to cover. I owe his whole family so much, he even paid for my medical treatment and none of them even batted an eyelid. I mean, I did feel guilty, but what would my parents have done? They aren't supportive...or at least they weren't. Charlie wasn't the same as he is now, Edward. When my mom was around it was all what she thought and how she wanted things. She would have hated me." I saw him shake his head to argue but there was no use.

"I know I should have told them, Edward, but I didn't know what would happen. I just wanted to carry on like it didn't happen. With no one knowing I could go back to school and just be Bella again, I kept my head down and I worked as hard as I could. No one notices me and it's the way I want things to stay. Something like that wouldn't have stayed secret for long, but I trusted Jasper's family and no one ever found out." I finally stopped with a shuddering breath and started crying all over again.

Edward wrapped his strong arms around me and was careful as he pulled me into him, knowing I was fragile in the state I was in. Just like it always did; the sound of his strong heartbeat, his soft breathing, the ministrations of his hands on my back and shoulders and his scent, lulled me back into a sense of calm I could have only wished for in that situation.

We sat wrapped up in each other, barely moving and not speaking, the only sounds that of the hospital outside my door. The door opened when I looked in its direction and I noticed Charlie stick his head in. I was too safe to pull away from Edward so I stayed where I was, but Charlie only nodded in my direction and shut the door behind him again. With his back to the door, Edward didn't even notice and started rocking us softly.

"I wasn't going to judge you for not telling your parents, Bella. I was going to say sorry." He pulled back and I was instantly confused and worried. Why was he apologizing?

"I'm sorry you had to go through that on your own, even if Jasper did know, someone from this guy's side of things should have been here - you should have had some family." His hand descended to the top of my arm and he squeezed it gently as he looked into my eyes.

"Jasper is family, Edward. He was the only thing I had and I've known him my whole life." He didn't know how close to home he had hit.

His family could very well have been my family, but what would that have helped? Back then, I hated his parents simply because he did. That would have been one awkward meeting. Would I have wanted my son or daughter to meet Esme and Carlisle then? I felt myself thinking that I would have worried about myself. Would they have treated me the same way they did Edward? Carlisle apologized for them not knowing and he seemed genuine enough, but I already knew he was the more genuine out of the pair anyway.

I shook my head, ridding myself of thinking badly about Edward's family while he was sitting so close to me. They were his family after all; they were all he had now that he had forgotten what had happened between them. Once he remembered, I wondered if he would do the same thing he did in May last year and run from them or stay and work it out.

"So...what happened the other night?" Edward looked unsure as to whether he was allowed to voice his question as he pulled back slightly to look me in the eye.

"When I miscarried, I haemorrhaged really badly. Dr Volturi told me at the time I had to take it easy for at least six months or I would do myself damage. I was to keep my stress levels down and under no circumstances was I to let my temper get out of hand." I tried to imitate his voice on the last order to keep things lighter, but I could pinpoint the exact moment Edward started to blame himself again.

I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck and brought myself back to him again; waiting with my breath held until he wound his own arms around me and held me to him.

"Stop blaming yourself, Edward. I could have gotten angry with anyone. It could have happened anytime, anywhere. I'm okay now." I didn't remove myself from his arms as I spoke, talking into the air above his shoulder.

He pulled back again, this time with a smirk on his face, which only confused me. He was up to something. "Can I say just one thing?" I nodded warily as his pointer finger rested under my chin. "I'm sorry." His voice was soft and his admission was sweet, causing me to smile slightly.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, whispering "I'm sorry" against my lips before kissing me harder when I started to protest. I counted him doing the same thing nine times before I got frustrated with him. But instead of pulling back and whacking him for being annoying, I made the most of my situation.

I fisted my hand in the hair at the nape of his neck and pulled him tightly to me so that there was no more room for him to talk. I felt him smirk against my lips, but it vanished when I traced them lightly with my tongue. He groaned sexily as he opened his mouth to me and I nearly melted at the familiar sensations.

It had only been a few days since he had kissed me just as passionately, but I felt like I had been starved of his attention for months. He was never enough and even though I was struggling for breath, I kept him there, teasing and torturing both of us.

I heard the rhythm on the heart monitor alter and change repeatedly as Edward alternated between sweet, romantic kisses and ones full of heat and passion. When he finally pulled away, wheezing for more oxygen I turned my head to look at the monitor as it settled itself back down.

Instead of the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I experienced the day before, I smirked as I watched it, knowing Edward was watching me. He pressed his lips to my cheek, then my jaw, my neck, my ear, and my cheek again before I turned back to him. Capturing my lips once more, he pulled away properly and put a reasonable amount of space between us.

"I have to go..." He was smiling, but my heart still felt like it plummeted. _Oh, get a grip! You went months without him, you can handle a couple of hours._

"I promised my mom I'd go shopping with her." Esme...of course. I hid my distaste for his mom in a smile as I nodded my head in understanding.

"Will you...like...be back?" I didn't know why I was nervous, but we hadn't actually talked about what we were. He had every right not to come back, he didn't have to baby-sit me and spend so much time in a hospital.

"I can't. Not tonight, I, uh...I have plans." His ominous tone surprised and worried me, but once again, I hid it well, knowing I was a pro in doing just that. If he wanted to tell me, he would, in time.

"I'll come by the house tomorrow and check on you?" I nodded with a genuine smile on my face at the thought of Edward being in our house, and me being back at home.

He pressed his lips to my forehead as he stood, but he lingered, keeping a contact point between us. I closed my eyes to enjoy the sensation, but opened them again when I heard the door open. Charlie walked in quietly, averting his eyes with a small smile when he noticed Edward.

Any other teenage boy would have scampered off, but Edward stooped a little and pressed one final chaste kiss to my lips before turning to leave. He nodded at my dad and they seemed to share some sort of "moment" before he left the room for the last time.

I tried to mask my sadness at seeing him go, but Charlie still somehow managed to notice. "Esme is waiting outside for him, Bells, he needs to go." I nodded my head, mumbling a quiet "I know" before I rested my head back on the pillow.

"You want to talk about it, Bells?" My dad's voice was soft and gravely as he looked at me with concern. I shook my head with a small smile and closed my eyes, suddenly aware of just how tired I had become.

With one last look at the clock, I noticed it was nearing midday, and I smirked at the sound of Renee's voice in my head. _"You shouldn't be lying around at this time of the day! I don't care how sick you think you are, get up and you'll feel fine!" _That time though, I mentally flipped her the finger and settled in for some more sleep.

They were, after all, doctors' orders.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Sooo...interesting no? Edward thinks he's getting himself into a mess too...**

**And what's with the secrecy? What could Edward have planned that he can't tell our Bella? Guesses anyone?**

**As always please leave me a review to let me know what you think :)**

**Twitter = LiveInDakota**

**xx**


	14. Seeing Red

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Howdy all! How are we all? :P**

**Not as long as the previous one I know...but the end is oh so important...so I'll let you get straight to it :)**

**Heads up - tiny little EPOV in here for ya's :) **

**_Lizzie05 _mentioned that she thought Edward had a surprise planned for Bells & that's why he "had plans"...so was she right? Or is something major going on we don't know about? Ah! Read! :)**

**SM owns all things Twilight, I just like to play with them :)**

**xx**

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Seeing Red**

And I'm alright  
Standing in the streetlights here  
Is this meant for me  
My time on the outside is over

We don't know how you're spending all of your days  
Knowing, that love isn't here  
You see the pictures,  
But you don't know their names  
Cause love isn't here

And I can't do this by myself  
All of these problems, they're all in your head  
And I can't be somebody else  
You took something perfect  
And painted it red.

No sympathy,  
When shouting out is all you know  
Behind your lies,  
I can see the secrets you don't show  
We don't know how you're spending  
All of your days  
Knowing, that love isn't here  
You see the pictures  
But you don't know their names  
Cause love isn't here

And I can't do this by myself  
All of these problems, they're all in your head  
And I can't be somebody else  
You took something perfect  
And painted it red  
When you took something perfect  
And painted it red

You take the best things from me  
Then everything gets empty  
That's not a world that I need  
You take the best things from me  
Then everything gets empty  
That's not a world that I need

And I can't do this by myself  
All of these problems, they're all in your head  
And I can't be somebody else  
You took something perfect  
And painted it red

When you took something perfect  
And painted it red  
You took something perfect  
And painted it red

You took something perfect

And painted it red.

_Daniel Merriweather - Red_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

The next morning felt like judgment day. From the moment I woke up, I was ready to leave and never come back. I wasn't even that comfortable being stuck in the house, so what did that tell you?

My night had dragged in, having no Edward to keep me occupied or entertained, even in the most innocent ways, was proving difficult on my attention span. I was bored out of my mind, staring at the same four walls until I managed to trick the nurse, not Jane, into giving me more pain medication just to knock me out for a few hours.

Thankfully, it had worked, and by the time I opened my eyes the sun was up, and so was Charlie. I smiled to myself as I watched him potter around my room, gathering stray things and putting them carefully in a bag.

He didn't know I was awake as he stopped in front of the flowers Edward had brought me. It saddened me, the look on his face, because I knew exactly what it was. He touched a couple of the buds before lowering his hand and staring into space. He wanted things to go back to the way they were - when he had his wife and his daughter, and we were a relatively happy family.

It was a long time ago, but I could just manage to remember the family outings or tasks, the smiles and all the laughs. Even if we didn't go out, it would be the Swan family gathering, and we would do it together, whether it was make the dinner or decorate a room.

I decided to give my dad some privacy and closed my eyes. I felt that same sinking sensation in my chest when I reminded myself that if I had spent more time with both my parents in the past six months, then maybe both of them would still be around. I wanted nothing more than to ask if Renee was planning to come home, but again I chickened out. I didn't want to hurt Charlie unnecessarily by asking him, so I let it go before I opened my eyes to the room.

The fact that Charlie was packing up my things and getting ready to take me home had my hopes lifted as I waited for Dr. Cullen to make an appearance.

I tried my hardest to hide the grimace that slipped onto my face as I forced down the hospital's idea of breakfast when it arrived in my room. Charlie only chuckled at my efforts, and I couldn't help but curse Edward for giving me normal food the day before. All I could think about was his offering of muffins as I tried to get my head around the cardboard toast in front of me.

When the clock hit ten, the door opened and Carlisle strolled in, looking his usual professional self. I found myself smiling at him despite how I normally felt, deciding that now I had met him I should give him a chance. He seemed momentarily taken aback by my sudden change in demeanor, but finished his walk into the room nonetheless, and picked up my file from the end of my bed.

"I've been looking over everything, Bella, and I see no reason for you to stay here." I sighed audibly, causing Charlie to chuckle again.

"I'm afraid you won't be so happy once I'm finished." I gulped, almost like a caricature, and looked to Charlie for some assurance. He deliberately fixed his eyes elsewhere, and I worried what I was about to be hit with.

"I want you to remember what I mentioned yesterday, Bella. Absolutely nothing strenuous and I have to stress that I don't even want you doing the bare minimum. Your injuries can be quite severe if you let history repeat itself." I raised an eyebrow in challenge, and he raised his hand.

"I'm not implying that it was your fault or intentional. I just want you to be extra careful this time. I would be happiest with bed rest for the rest of the week, and under no circumstances are you to be climbing your stairs." I nodded dumbly, wondering what I could do for a week when I couldn't go anywhere.

"Charlie, I can't be any more specific or serious about this. I don't want Bella doing anything. If a book looks too heavy then don't let her have it." They both chuckled as if it was the highlight of their morning.

_Woohoo._

He had picked up on the fact that I liked to read, but I was pissed.

"Try not hate him too much, Bells. He's only looking out for you." Charlie patted me almost condescendingly on the shoulder, and I wondered why I was suddenly feeling so antagonistic.

Ignoring them both, I turned my head in the opposite direction. Charlie only chuckled once more before listening intently as Carlisle talked him through my pain medication. I looked back at them, noticing for the first time how similar they were. Height, build and age. Both had young teenage families and both had demanding jobs, if only slightly different. Charlie took lives apart and Carlisle helped put them back together. Maybe it would be good for Charlie to have a friend in Dr. Cullen, after all, they had seemed pretty chummy the first time I met him.

I briefly wondered for the first time, why Dr. Cullen had been in my home that day. I hadn't questioned it at the time, but it was strangely coincidental, that on his first day in Forks he made friends with my dad. I stored that information away for a later date, to ask Charlie what was going on, if anything.

Carlisle smiled kindly and threw a wink in my direction before he turned and left the room, making sure the door was propped open on his way out. I groaned lightly as the same nurse from the night before wheeled in a chair to take me to the parking lot. I wasn't some invalid.

It wasn't until I tried to stand that I realized that it was there for a reason. Standing and holding my weight on my legs was a thousand times more painful than sitting or lying had been, and I practically fell into the chair, moaning in pain. Damn, that shit was sore. Dr. C was, of course, right about it all.

Much to my embarrassment, I was wheeled out of my room and down the corridor, where Carlisle said a theatrical goodbye, which actually made me laugh. But, of course, he had to ruin it by telling me not to strain myself with fucking laughter. Seriously?

I was glad the parking lot was fairly empty as Charlie wheeled me over to his SUV. I briefly worried about getting into it, but he somehow lifted me somewhat effortlessly out of the chair and into the passenger seat. When I raised my eyebrows, he only shrugged and laughed, saying he was fitter than he looked. That much was obvious.

With the chair in the back of the car, Charlie finally climbed into the driver's seat and buckled himself in. I batted his hands away with a scowl as he tried to do mine, but I was pretty damn adamant that I could do it myself. Yes, the twisting in my seat hurt like a bitch, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

Our journey home was quiet, but it didn't surprise me. I was fairly certain Charlie had exhausted his communicating for the weekend, and it didn't bother me, as I knew we were both as quiet as each other. I guess I got it from him. The radio was on gently in the background, but I was paying no attention to it. Instead, I was thinking about Edward and Jasper, and school in general.

I had made it a point in the past not to miss school, and I felt strange being out and about during school hours. Edward was in European History and I found myself hoping that he had passed our pop quiz.

My eyebrows folded together in confusion as we pulled up in front of our house. Renee's car was still there, but sitting on the front steps were Jasper and Alice. I groaned audibly, not wanting the company right at that moment, but Jasper was already making his way to my side of the car. I noticed Alice hanging back near the front porch and wondered again, why they were there instead of in school.

Charlie was out of the driver's seat, and Jasper was standing beside me with the door open before I could think any more about it. Obviously seeing my confusion, Jasper answered my unvoiced question.

"Someone needs to carry you up the stairs, Bells." He smirked, and I knew instantly it had been Charlie's idea, but Jasper was once again unfazed by having to help me.

"Thanks Jazz." He shrugged indifferently, but I caught the one sided grin that snuck onto his face before I wrapped my arms around his neck.

Carrying me bridal style, he shut the door to the SUV behind him with his foot as Charlie took the chair out of the back. I said a quick hello to Alice as Jasper carted me through the door, trying his hardest not to jostle me up the few stairs to the porch. As I closed my eyes to brace myself for the pain, I had a flash back to the night of his mom's party.

Edward had carried me exactly like this. Why was I just remembering this? My mind's picture sensor flicked me through the events after that, and my heart stuttered as I remembered his words. _"Promise."_

I was drunk, that much was obvious. Was he, though? Why had he brought up the marriage thing at all? Why had he said "promise," instead of just brushing off my drunken ramblings like anyone else would have?

Thousands of questions whirred through my head as Jasper prepared himself to lift me up the stairs. As we stood at the bottom, I counted them for the first time in my life. Twelve, not too shallow, nor too deep.

"It's a fucking good job you're light, Bells." Jasper chuckled, but I felt a lump rise in my throat anyway. I knew he meant it in good fun, but that didn't shadow the voice in my head that told me he was right.

After we returned from our "camping trip," I made very little effort to eat or do anything other than sleep. We had a fortnight off school, and I spent the entire time holed up in my room, in bed, mourning for the loss of a child I never knew, and the boy I loved.

At the time, I had no idea what I was doing to my body, but after just miscarrying, not eating was a very bad idea. I still struggled with my food consumption, almost as if I had an eating disorder. Renee thought I had, but I knew different. At the time, I punished myself. My body had been telling me something when I lost that baby, and I rationalized that I no longer had the right to be healthy. I ate now, but it was clear I didn't eat much, and everyone around me knew it. My thin body was only one of the many obvious ways of telling.

I gritted my teeth as Jasper ascended the stairs, screwing my eyes simultaneously, wondering why people thought those things helped shield us against pain. They didn't. I still felt every tiny twinge and every jostle even with Jasper being gentle.

I breathed a sigh of relief through my nose as he set me on the end of my bed. When I opened my eyes I once again noticed Alice loitering in the doorway, almost nervous at being anywhere near me. I certainly didn't miss the look that passed between her and Jasper as he made his way back down the stairs, leaving "us girls" alone.

"Thought you might, uh...like someone here to...you know, help...if you want to wash your hair or anything...I can go if you want..." I frowned simply because I couldn't place her nervous demeanor towards me.

"That would be great, Alice, thank you." I smiled warmly and watched as she calmed just a little and smiled in return. "Is something wrong?" She worried her bottom lip, much like I did, as she looked at me carefully. She finally shook her head a little, and with the movement, most of her woes seemed to evaporate.

Together we managed to hobble me into the bathroom, and I sat on the closed toilet seat as Alice turned the shower on and arranged my shampoo and conditioner somewhere where she could easily reach it.

I wasn't allowed a bath, something to do with not soaking the stitches in hot water, so we decided it would be easier for me to sit in the bath and just run the shower to wash.

I was suddenly self-conscious as I stripped down to my underwear and swung my legs over into the bathtub. I mean, my underwear was clean, fresh on that morning, but I wasn't used to having an audience.

_Coming from the girl whose had two evasive operations?_

However, that was different, I was unconscious for them. The only time someone had seen me naked, we had been somewhat preoccupied. Now his sister was helping me wash. What were the odds again?

"So...I kind of lied earlier." Alice had been quiet as she squirted some shampoo onto her hand and started rubbing at my hair. I bit my lip not knowing what to expect and waited for her to continue.

"Edward asked me to come round...He knows he can't miss any more school, otherwise he'd be here, but I think he realized you might need some female help." She laughed lightly and continued to tell me how flustered he had gotten that morning when asking her.

I laughed at the situation, but on the inside, my heart was literally doing a happy dance of its own. He was thinking about me. He was worried about me. He was taking care of me even when he wasn't around. The situation sounded so like the old Edward that my chuckles turned quickly into sobs that I couldn't control.

Alice hosed off my hair before wrapping a fluffy towel around my shoulders as she tried to soothe me. She held me to her tightly, murmuring that it was okay while I battled to calm my breathing. By the time my episode was over, I was shivering violently, and it took most of Alice's strength to try and move me.

I barely registered her opening the door and shouting down to Jasper for his help. His voice was frantic as he raced up the stairs, but she soothed his worries when she explained there was no way she could get me back to my bedroom in my unresponsive state. If I was so unresponsive then why was I aware of everything around me?

Jasper scooped me up gently, towel and all, and padded through to my bedroom before placing me on the end of my bed. However, as he pulled away, I had a sudden urge to hold on to him. I locked my arms around his neck and pulled him to me, not willing to let go of the comfort he gave me just yet.

My emotions had once again worn me out as I felt my eyelids getting heavy. Jasper was wrapped around me protectively, his homey scent penetrating my thoughts. I grasped onto it and let it pull me out of whatever deep, dark hole I had been in.

"I'm sorry." His body tensed at my voice before he recovered and rubbed his hands up and down my back.

"Shh, Bella. You never have to apologize to me, remember?" I nodded my head.

"Well, I'm apologizing to Alice then." He chuckled as I got around his stipulation before he pulled back.

"Better?" I nodded again and felt warmed by the smile that overtook his features. But it soon turned troubled, and I recognized his look with an uncomfortable twist in my stomach. He wasn't telling me something and he didn't know how to.

"Jasper, what is it?" He shook his head, and just like that, the smile was back.

"You want me to help you or do you want me to send Alice back up?" He changed the subject masterfully, but there was no way I was forgetting what hadn't just happened.

"Alice please, I kind of need to talk to her." He smirked, looking suspicious before nodding and leaving the room.

The gnawing inside didn't stop when he left the room, in fact, it amplified. He was hiding something from me and it was one of the worst feelings in the world. Not because he was lying to me, but because it was so bad he felt he couldn't tell me. That was the worst sort of news, and it set me on edge. I was brought out of my thoughts as Alice knocked lightly on the door and slipped through the small gap into my room.

"Hey." Her voice was small as she stood looking at me from the doorway.

"Sorry about earlier...now you've seen the entire 'Bella is a mess episode.'" I tried to laugh it off, but it got stuck in my throat and I sounded like I was in pain.

She sat quietly beside me, not even making a dent in the mattress. "You're so brave, Bella. I don't think you're a mess." I looked at her in confusion, but it fell from my face as I took in the sincerity in her eyes.

"I'll admit that when I asked for your help last week I wasn't really thinking about you...and I'm sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you, and I hope you'll forgive me...us..." I absorbed her words and began to wonder whether I _was_ brave. I certainly didn't feel strong or brave when faced with anything from my past, especially Edward, but I was getting through it. So what did that really say about me?

As for forgiving them, I was pretty sure I was past that already. Edward's family, although having only interacted with them fleetingly over the past week, were a support system I could only have dreamed of having. Edward was bitter towards them for lying, and I wasn't holding that against him, but maybe he couldn't actually see how much his family was trying to look after him. They were all he had, and before his past came back to haunt him they were all he should need, but so far, it hadn't been enough.

"I don't want to cross the line again, Bella, but he's already different. I don't think you'll notice, what with him not being the same as you remember anyway, but compared to two weeks ago he's like...a shadow of himself." I shook my head, but she turned to face me and carried on.

"No, really...I mean, I saw him smile yesterday! I know it sounds absurd, but I haven't seen him look genuinely happy in months. He came home from the hospital with mom and he was so much...lighter, you know...and this morning when he was talking about you, I could see it in his eyes. Granted he's confused as to why he feels so much for you in such a short period of time, but the fact that he isn't questioning it and just letting it make him happy shows he's changed." I furrowed my brow wondering what she meant.

"He hasn't trusted anyone since the accident. Not me, not any of us. His friends from school freaked him out when he met up with them and he's been drawing himself away from everything. I guess if you knew everyone around you was lying to you, that's what you'd do, but he's talking to you...he's letting you in, and that means so much that none of us can scarcely believe it..."

Little Alice Cullen was, once again, sitting in front of me crying over her lost brother. Just like last time, I gathered her into a hug and let her cry it out. Only this time, I wasn't joining her. Her speech had struck a nerve in me, and it wasn't the one she was aiming for.

"Have you really thought this through, Alice?" She pulled back, puzzled at the question and no doubt the look on my face.

"About what he's going to be like when he remembers everything? When he realizes that the one person he thought he was willingly let in has been lying to him even more than his own family? That the people he thought were his family have bigger things to hide than where he was for the summer?" She nodded her head, but I didn't believe her and cut her off when she tried to interrupt.

"No, really think about it, Alice. He's going to hate everyone around him. The little bit of trust he has found is going to disappear...maybe for good...and what about his temper? Did any of you stop to think how angry he's going to be when he remembers me? When he realizes that I've lied to him for however long it's going to be? You know what his anger does to him. Not only is he going to inevitably hurt someone around him, but he's going to hurt himself too...whether intentionally or not is another thing...You can't control this, Alice...None of us can, and you really have no idea what you've done..."

My voice had risen steadily as soon as I stood from the bed. Ironically, when I was too busy working myself up once again, I could no longer feel the pain I experienced when I stood or paced the floor beside my bed.

I looked back to Alice and came crashing back to earth. The truth hurts I suppose, but I guess I could have padded it a little more. We were the same age, but she looked so much younger as she sat, shaking on the edge of the bed, tears streaming down her face. Guess she hadn't really thought it through.

I vaguely realized how bitchy my thoughts were, but as I turned to sit back beside her and apologize, she was on her feet and heading for the door.

"Alice, wait...I'm sorry!" She looked at me and I sighed internally as she smiled through her tears, but she shook her head.

"No, Bella, you're right...I need to fix this..." That stumped me. I had no idea what she was planning, and it wasn't as if I could stop her. She disappeared from the doorway and I called her name once again before hobbling after her, but it was no use.

"Woah there, Bells. You're not going anywhere." Jasper appeared at the top of the stairs and practically flattened himself against the wall to get out of Alice's way. If the situation hadn't been so serious, it would have looked comical.

"Shit, what happened up here?"

"Jazz, stop her please?" He hesitated for a moment, but when he took in the look of desperation on my face, he turned and took the stairs two at a time.

I hobbled to the top step and took a seat as I listened intently to what was going on downstairs. Alice hadn't driven here, so she had no way of getting home, that was what I was betting on anyway, to give Jasper time to catch up to her. What I hadn't bargained on was the third and most familiar voice of all as it floated up the stairs to me.

"I came to see, Bella. What the fuck's going on?" Edward was here and Edward wasn't happy.

He appeared in the doorway, and my breath hitched at the sight of him. Not for any particular reason other than it was him and he was standing on my front porch. He caught my eyes as I sat on the stairs, but his smile soon turned into a frown. I guess I didn't look exactly fresh as a daisy, what with the tearstains and everything.

"You've got some nerve showing up here." Wait, what? Why was Jasper so angry? Edward looked confused, too, as his gaze landed on my best friend.

"I think I'll go rustle up some lunch." Five pairs of eyes landed on Charlie and followed him into the kitchen before they all went back to their previous places.

"What the fuck, man?" Edward, thankfully didn't sound too pissed, merely confused as to why Jasper was causing so much trouble...something I wanted to figure out too. This was more than merely looking out for me.

"You've got some balls, man, I'll give you that...The whole school knows about your night last night...so, like I said..." He waved his hand in dismissal and I watched as something in Edward snapped. Alice's hand shot out, obviously noticing it as I had, and she grabbed his arm with more force than I thought she had.

"Leave it, Edward...I want to go home." His gaze fell to his baby sister and his whole body relaxed before he looked back to me.

There was no smile, no smirk or wink, but I held his gaze, knowing exactly what it meant. There was going to be nothing exchanged between us while Jasper was acting the way he was, and he was telling me he felt he had to take Alice home. He was looking after his sister and I nodded in his direction. Jasper had his back to me so I smiled at him too, hopefully telling him that I'd sort Jasper out. He visibly relaxed even more, but he had enough sense not to smile or speak to me.

Then as quickly as it had blown up, Edward and Alice were climbing into the Volvo and he was pulling away from the curb. Jasper shut the door quietly before he slumped against the back of it. Why was he so wound up? Whatever had him so pissed at Edward was wearing him out and I didn't like it.

"Jazz?" His eyes flicked to mine immediately and he stood up straight again.

"I'd like to come down stairs." I laughed at the absurdity of the question, and noticed that he smiled in response. Good, that was a start.

He climbed the stairs slowly up to me and I held my arms up so he could pick me up. I felt like a child again as he hoisted me into his arms, and I wrapped them around his neck. It took us a while longer to get down the stairs than it did to get up them, but we eventually made it to the sofa where he sat me down gently.

**EPOV**

Call me fucking whipped if you want, but when I pulled up outside Bella's house I fucking sighed in relief. It had been a long fucking day without seeing her. It turned out I didn't even have to talk to her when we were at school, fucking seeing her would be enough for me.

So now that I was outside her house I was fucking ecstatic. It had been far too long since I had last seen her and I vowed I wouldn't go that long again. Yeah, I know, whipped. However, when I got out of the car and shut the door, Bella's front door opened and Alice came barreling out.

Yeah, I knew she would be here, I had fucking begged her to help this morning, but she wasn't in the state I would have expected. She didn't even see me, she was that pre-occupied with whatever was going on. But as she got closer I noticed her eyes were red and puffy and there were tears running down her face.

She stopped suddenly when she noticed there was someone standing in her way, and I swear she looked fucking frightened when she noticed it was me. I was about to ask her what the fuck was going on when Jasper came running out of the house after her. This was some seriously weird shit. He was calling her name, but he too stopped when he noticed me.

When he made no attempt to move from the doorway, I walked up to him. I had come here to see Bella, and I'd be fucking damned if I didn't at least fucking see that she was okay. As I neared him, though, I got a completely different reaction. He wasn't indifferent like he had been at the hospital, or trying to make conversation. Fuck, I would have settled for fear like Alice, instead of the pure hatred in his eyes. What the fuck had I done now?

He made no attempt to move from the doorway, so I had no choice but to stop in front of him. When Alice practically begged me to get her out of there, the protective big brother side of me kicked in without really thinking anything through.

"What's going on?" I tried to keep my voice civil, but it did nothing to either of the people standing there, Jasper in the doorway and Alice standing behind me, peeping over my shoulder.

"Why are you here?" I could have fucking collected the malice dripping from Jasper's voice, but I decided to play it cool.

"I came to see Bella. What the fuck is going on?" Okay so maybe keeping cool didn't exactly work.

Then he fucking said something that confused the hell out of me...I had no right to be there? What the fuck had I done to warrant that? My confusion was clearly written all over me, but Jasper didn't seem to care. He had made up his fucking mind about me the minute we met...obviously.

Bella was sitting at the top of the stairs, unable to come down, looking like she'd been fucking crying all day. What the fuck was happening that I didn't know about. She was watching me instead of anyone else, with a look on her face that clearly told me she hadn't expected me to be standing here. Hadn't I told her I'd come and check on her? Surely straight after school was the most obvious choice.

I didn't even notice Charlie was there until he excused himself, using sandwich making as his get-out clause. I suddenly felt bad about standing on his front porch swearing up a storm and decided to apologize the next time I saw him, because right now I was concerned about the two girls in my life.

Wait, what the fuck did I just say? Or think, whatever. Yeah, sure, Alice was my baby sister, I loved her more than anything, but I just put her in the same bracket as Bella. I mean, sure she was all I fucking thought about all day, but did that mean I loved her? I had only known her a fucking week, there was no way this was happening to me. What the fuck man?

I was only brought out of my thoughts when Jasper started talking again. Guess I had said that last bit out loud. Last night? Wait...how could any of them possibly know about last night? Shit...I really didn't want everyone finding out. He said the whole school. I felt the tension in me snap, and I was ready to fucking hit whatever was closer...even if it was Jasper, but Alice's small hand landed on my bicep forcefully and the thwack brought me out of my furious haze.

I calmed myself down when she asked me to take her home, and I could see she was suffering. Something had upset her and it was my job to look out for her. That was what big brothers were for. I entertained the thought of it being Emmett who had found her, but squashed it when I nearly smiled. That clearly wasn't what this situation needed.

I looked back to Bella to find her round eyes hadn't left my face. She was gazing at me intently, and I found myself drowning in their depths even from this far away. I think I managed to tell her everything I needed to just by looking at her. I was glad she was safe, I had no fucking clue what Jasper was talking about, I loved her...Okay, so I wasn't even sure of that last one, but she had to know...I was fucking drowning over here.

She knew my first priority in that moment was to take care of Alice, and I relaxed completely when she sent me a private smile, not witnessed by anyone else. It was mine. In that moment I realized that I wanted nothing more than for everything Bella did to be mine. I knew we hadn't labeled what we were, but maybe she'd consider being, like, exclusive or something. I had no fucking clue how these things worked...but I had a feeling I would have to tell her about last night before she made the decision. That would be a fucking fabulous conversation.

I led Alice to the car before sliding into the opposite side, knowing she just wanted to get home as quickly as possible. I pulled away from the Swan residence with one last look in Bella's direction, even though I knew I wouldn't be able to see her.

Jasper, it seemed, hadn't calmed down an inch as he stood, rigid in the doorway. For some reason a creepy chill ran down my spine at the thought of Bella being alone with him. Something told me that something was going to transpire in that house tonight that I wasn't going to like. For some reason I had a feeling that the shit was about to hit the fan, and I didn't even fucking know what the shit was.

"What happened, Alice?" No answer. I was met with silence when I glanced at her. She was hugging her knees to her chest on the seat. I made sure that she had her seatbelt on as I scanned her over, but I reduced my speed anyway. I was the perfect person to tell you what speeding did to you.

"Alice?" Nothing again, so I gave up. Trust me, it wasn't easy, I wanted to know what the fuck was going on, but she clearly wasn't going to give me anything.

The second I threw the car in park outside the house, she was out of the car and heading for the front door. I was worried about her and the silence was only making it worse. When the fuck was Alice Cullen ever quiet?

"Alice, please? Just tell me you're okay," I shouted after her in vain, not expecting an answer. But she stopped on the porch and turned to look at me. She looked even more broken in the shadow of the house and I stopped in my tracks as I awaited her answer.

"Nothing is okay anymore, Edward." Well, fuck me. That was some seriously messed up answer. What the fuck was I supposed to do with that?

Clearly, nothing, because she turned on her heel and walked silently into the house. By the time I made it through the front door, Emmett was standing in the hall, awaiting an explanation. We both watched as Alice padded her way up the stairs, shoulders slumped and tears still flowing. She hadn't even said hi to Emmett it seemed, so now she had two seriously anxious brothers.

What the fuck had happened in that house?

**Bella's POV**

"Jazz, what's going on?" I had finished the sandwich Charlie had brought me, and I was curled as comfortably as I could be in the corner of the sofa.

Jasper shook his head, trying to tell me there was nothing wrong as he placed his plate down beside me. He looked nothing short of dejected as he rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, and the gut wrenching feeling came back full force.

"Jasper, stop lying to me and just tell me what it is!" My voice had risen again and his soon matched it.

"I can't!"

"Can't? Why not?" This was going to be bad.

"Because I don't want you to go back to the way you were!" What? What did that even mean?

"Jasper, what are you talking about?"

"The way you were the first time he left you, Bells. I can't see you like that again." My heart plummeted and my throat closed off simultaneously. The first time he left me? He only left me once. What did he know?

"Jasper?" My voice was small and scared even to my ears, and Jasper fell to his knees in front of me.

"Shit, Bells, I'm sorry." He cradled my face in his hands and started wiping away the tears. I was strong and brave, I could do this.

"Tell me?" He shook his head again, but stopped when he felt me nodding mine.

He sighed gently before rocking back onto his heels. He looked at me, and I mean really looked at me, as if assessing for something. He was warring with himself over whether to tell me or even how to tell me, and with every second that passed, my heart rate got slower and the hole inside me got bigger.

"He slept with Lauren."

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Ah! Please don't hate me! Although many of you will anyways...**

**It's drastic and it's a cliffy! Only my second so far!**

**So...what was our dear Edward thinking eh? You so have to let me know what y'all think about this one!**

**Reviewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Please :)**

**I've changed my twitter account name just to make it easier so follow me on LiveInDakota and you can keep up to date with our beloved FMN twosome :) Sorry for any inconvenience :P I'll get to changing it on my previous chapters too :)**

**xx**


	15. Crashing Down

******************************Author's Chapter Notes:**

******************************Omg! 15! That's a bit of a milestone! Thank you all for staying with me and for the great reviews :)**

******************************We no longer have such things as "filler chapters". This is oh so very important so pay attention :P**

**As a wee side note..guess who finished their last two exams today and never has to go back to school...ever? How proud are ya? Lol this revelation also means that I have lots more time to write! Yay :)**

******************************Enjoy! x**

******************************SM owns all things Twilight.**

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen: Crashing Down**

The flowers are faded now  
Along with your letters  
They will never see the light of day  
Cause I'll never take them out  
And there's no turning back  
It's for the better  
Baby I deserved more than empty words  
And promises  
I believed everything you said  
And I give you the best I have

So take a bow.  
Cause you've taken everything else  
You played the part and like a star you played it so well  
Take a bow, 'cause this scene is coming to an end  
I gave you love. All you give me was pretend  
So now... Take a bow

The future's about to change  
Before you know, it the curtain closes  
Take a look around, there's no one in the crowd  
I'm throwing away the pain  
And you should know that your performance it made me stronger now

So take a bow.  
'Cause you've taken everything else  
You played the part and like a star you played it so well  
Take a bow, 'cause this scene is coming to an end  
I gave you love. All you give me was pretend  
So now... Take a bow

Well it must have been sleight of hand  
'cause I still can't understand  
How I could never see  
Just what a fool believed

But the lies they start to show  
Tell me how does it feels to know  
Right now that I wont be around  
So baby before I put you out

Take a bow.  
'Cause you've taken everything else  
You played the part and like a star you played it so well  
Take a bow, 'cause this scene is coming to an end  
I gave you love. All you gave me was pretend  
So now... Take a bow

'Cause you've taken everything else  
You played the part and like a star you played it so well  
Take a bow, 'cause this scene is coming to an end  
I gave you love. All you gave me was pretend  
So now... Take a bow

Take a bow.

Take A Bow - Leona Lewis

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

Have you ever had one of those nights that never seems to end? A night where no matter how you lie or how many times you fluff the pillow, you just couldn't sleep?

I'd flicked the light on and taken my book back out…I didn't know how many times. I had tried to lull myself to sleep with my favourite classical CD, but to no avail.

When five am rolled around, I was near to tears with frustration. Ironic, as I hadn't managed to stop my tears all night. I was at the point where there had to be few tears left in me.

It had taken me a long time to throw Jasper out the previous day. He had been adamant about staying to look after me, but I wanted nothing more than to be alone. I had been alone for months, without Edward, and he had managed to revert me back with one decision.

I wasn't blaming him, per-se, but I just didn't feel like spending all day and night with the person who brought me the news that shattered everything I believed in. How could I have been so stupid? I had honestly tricked myself into thinking that a guy who had no recollection of his recent self, had somehow fallen in love with me in a week.

It wasn't exactly hard for me. I mean, I had never really fallen out of love with him. I'd thought at one point that I hated him, but the moment he waltzed back into my life, it all clicked back to the way it was. Only it hadn't; I felt the same, but he didn't. Everything was suddenly one sided. I never would have imagined our relationship to turn into an unrequited one.

Now, it wasn't a relationship at all. He slept with Lauren. Lauren Mallory. Why did it have to be her? She was the one girl in our year, hell our entire school, that I couldn't even begin or imagine to like. Now she had Edward, the only thing I had ever found myself begging for, and she had him.

In the months that followed my miscarriage, I had found myself even turning to religion. A path taken by thousands of people, but one I never imagined myself on. I thought that if I asked for Edward back then it might happen. I had truly never asked or wanted for anything else in life - this was my one selfish act, but nothing could grant me it.

Then when I finally thought my only dream had come true, it was whisked away from under me in less than a week. Ample time for him to suck me in, put me under his spell, make me fall even deeper in love with him and then leave me for..._her._

Lauren. Even thinking of her name had bile rising in my throat.

I was filled with nothing but disgust; for me, for Lauren, for Edward, who right at this point in time, I didn't want to think about. But alas, it was all I could do. He'd be getting ready for school soon, parking in his usual spot, walking to class with Lauren, and sitting with her at lunch. He might even drive her home. Was that what he had done yesterday?

This was where I got confused. Why did he come around? I mean, I knew he said he would, but why come to check on me when he'd spent the day with another girl? When he'd spent the night with another girl?

Then came another bout of thoughts. He had kissed me, looked after me, stayed with me in the hospital for nearly two days. He had seemed so genuine when he said he wouldn't leave - he had even made an effort with my dad. Why do all that and then go and jump into bed with Lauren? Did she know he had been with me all weekend? That he had made out with me on Friday night?

He had climbed a tree just to see if I was okay.

None of it was adding up.

**~FMN~**

Once Charlie was up and about, I attempted to do the same and tried to put an end to the pity party I was throwing myself.

It took me nearly an hour just to shower and dress, and by the end of it, I was beyond pissed off at the situation, the circumstances, and life in general.

Charlie helped me slowly - oh so very slowly - down the stairs, before running back up and bringing me all my schoolbooks so I could camp out in the living room instead of my bedroom. He left me alone for most of the day, citing work that needed to be done in the back yard.

It was nearing three in the afternoon when the phone started to ring. Hoping Charlie would hear it and answer, I ignored it, not feeling at all up to walking across the room to get it myself. By the time he came bustling in, it had finished its incessant and annoying ringing, and Charlie puffed in frustration.

"Couldn't you have answered that, Bells?"

"Not supposed to do too much, remember?" My voice was sickly sweet, and I watched as Charlie had to mask his surprise at my sarcastic tone. I could see him brimming to ask me what was wrong, but what would be the point? I didn't even fucking know what was wrong; I just knew I was pissed off.

He decided against it and was about to leave the room when the phone rang again. He picked up on the third ring, answering in his usual gruff tone. He turned to me not even a minute later with a smile on his face, and covered the mouthpiece of the phone so he could talk to me.

"Bells, it's Edward."

"Tell him I'm asleep." I barely looked up, but in the few seconds I gave him of my attention, I noticed his jaw go slack and his brows furrow in confusion.

_Yeah, you and me both._

"Sorry, son, I didn't realize she was asleep."

A few non-committal sounds and a goodbye later, he hung up and turned to me. I didn't lift my eyes from the math book I was studying, but I was well aware of the tension as he waited for my attetion.

"You want to tell me why I just lied to him?" he asked, clearly confused. I rolled my eyes at his tone. I really didn't want to get into this with him.

"I don't want to talk to him." I shrugged, still not looking at him before I had an afterthought. "If Jasper phones or comes round I don't want to talk to him either." I flicked my eyes up to his briefly, noting the mounting confusion and concern before turning the page in my book.

"Bells, what's wrong?"

"I want to be alone, okay?" My voice rose in annoyance, and at any other time I may have cared that I just snapped at my dad, but I couldn't find it in me.

He hesitated, probably wanting to say something else. He seemed to think better of it, and headed back to the kitchen. I listened for the back door to close behind him, before letting out the breath I had been holding. I battled my tears and gave up completely on the thought of study, because I was learning fuck all.

I was sitting on the floor, leaning my back against the sofa with my iPod on when Charlie re-emerged in front of me. I pulled the ear buds out of my ears slowly and reached to pause it, all the while leaving Charlie waiting. From his stance I could tell he knew I was doing it deliberately. Only thing was, I didn't know why I was doing it. Why was I trying my hardest to push my dad, who had been nothing but supportive for the past three days, away?

"I'm heading down to Billy's, and I want you to come with me." He was trying to be forceful but he just couldn't manage it.

"I'm not going. I can barely walk, Dad."

"That's what the chair is for, Bells. I don't want you hanging around this house all week."

Was he trying to set me up with Jake or something? _Shit, Jake_! I had completely forgotten about him over the weekend. What happened to our date? Did he know? Did he think I just stood him up? Why hadn't he called? Wait, where was my phone?

"I'll be fine; I just don't want to go tonight okay?" I looked up at him for the first time and found he wasn't concerned any longer, just verging on angry. _Placate him..._

"Does Jake know? I completely forgot about him..." He actually laughed at my choice of words and shook his head.

"Don't worry about it, kiddo. I phoned him on Saturday, and he said he would talk to you when you were better. Wants to reschedule his date, but I guess you don't want to anymore what with E -"

"No, I'd better phone him! I had been looking forward to it...maybe he can take me out next week if I can walk any better." I smiled and although it felt like a wicked grin to me, it threw Charlie for a loop. I had rushed my comment out the second he tried to mention _his_ name, and I was wondering whether it had worked or if he could see through my obvious attempts at dismantling his thoughts.

"Oh, right...I just...what with..." Result! I actually did a fist pump in my head before I realized how juvenile I was acting.

"Edward's dating someone else, Dad...so I guess I can too right?" For the first time all day, my voice broke as I told him the truth. Admitting it aloud made it seem more real.

"Wait...what?" He was stuttering still, but I could hear the anger growing in his voice.

"That's why Jasper was angry with him last night...He told me after Edward left. Seems the whole school knows that he hooked up with Lauren last night." Charlie blanched as he realized the truth behind my statement. No, it wasn't just a date they had gone on, it was so much worse than that.

"Bells, I...I'm..."

"What, sorry? Yeah, me too, Dad. Who knew I could fall for it twice, huh?" A tear escaped from my eye, and Charlie surprised me by sitting on the sofa next to my shoulder and hugging me gently from my spot on the floor.

Feeling five again, I curled myself into his legs and hugged them tightly, careful in all my movements. His hand stroked the hair at the crown of my head and down over my shoulders, causing me to relax and melt into the sofa.

"I can stay..." His voice had changed and I knew he wasn't going to push the issue. Now he didn't want to go at all. I shook my head to cut him off.

"I'll be okay...I'll probably just stick in a film and pig out on chocolate." I laughed, but it was strained and I heard Charlie sigh. Yeah, I wouldn't buy that one either. Me pigging out? We all knew I wasn't capable of such a feat.

"Call me if you need anything." He squeezed my shoulder with his hand before gathering up his things and leaving me to my own devices.

I listened as he put his coat on just inside the door, as the front door closed quietly behind him, then as he started up his SUV and pulled out of the driveway. As was the normal way to the Blacks, he headed up the road past Jasper's, and eventually I could hear nothing other than the wind in the trees and my own breathing.

I hauled myself up, in pain, off the floor and stretched out my legs as best I could as I stood in the middle of the living room. As I turned to head to the kitchen, something shiny glinted and caught my attention from the cabinet on the other side of the room. My dad's bottle of Johnny Walker, opened, and only one glass less than its original contents.

I wasn't entirely sure what my newfound self-destruct mode was all about as I limped my way over to the inviting bottle. Maybe Jasper had been right. He had said he didn't want to see me go back to the way I was when Edward left the first time.

When Edward "left me" the last time, I felt nothing. I wished that were the case this time. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Lauren and the way she had been acting for the past week. Each time I looked at my History notes I saw the way Edward had looked at me in the hospital.

Now, when I picked up the bottle I remembered what Edward had said to me on Sunday.

"_I, uh...I have plans."_

The tears started as I felt bile rising again. Had it been previously planned? What was he doing making out with me on a hospital bed – nearly - when he had plans to hook up Lauren? I was back to being confused as I thought it through. Did he think he could have us both, knowing I wouldn't be at school for a while?

No matter how many times I told myself he wasn't the same Edward, there was a nagging voice at the back of my head that told me that just wasn't him. My Edward wouldn't lie like that; if he wanted Lauren, he wouldn't have started something with me. If he wanted Lauren, he wouldn't have pretended that he didn't all week, and then sneak off behind everyone's backs, not just mine.

My Edward was the one who begged his sister to come and help me out, the one who bought my favourite breakfast from my favourite place without knowing it, the one who picked me flowers from his mom's garden, again picking out my favourites. There was no way he was capable of all that _and_ what Jasper had told me.

Then I felt guilty. Jasper wouldn't have lied to me either; hell, he hadn't even wanted to tell me. Hence why I was confused. He wouldn't have told me if he didn't believe it, so then why did he believe it? He mentioned that the whole school knew, so then why was Edward so confused that Jasper had found out?

As I tried desperately to work it out, I had already taken three swigs of the scotch, and had to sit back down as my head became slightly fuzzy. I flicked on the television, hating the oppressing silence all around me, and left it on the news as background noise, taking another long swig of the alcohol.

It burned my throat on the way down, much stronger than the mixed drinks I usually drowned my sorrows in. I laughed bitterly as I realized I hadn't drank since the party at Jasper's. It had been a very regular occurrence since October last year, and I found it ironic that spending time with Edward since last Wednesday was what had kept me from drinking.

The fuzzier my brain became, the more I realized that drinking was a bad idea. Why wasn't I normal? Usually the more you drank the less you cared, so why the fuck did I have to be the opposite to everyone else? Maybe that was why Edward wanted Lauren; she was normal, wore short skirts and far too much makeup. She had long flowing honey-blonde hair that she flicked every chance she got, had tits that she thrust in everyone's face whenever she could, and flirted with every word she spoke.

It was quite clear, as I looked myself over in the mirror on the wall, that I was none of those things. I was my most comfortable when I was curled up with a fucking book on my own. I had no revealing clothes, hell, I didn't even have a figure to show off. And best of all, to top off the pile of things wrong with Bella Swan, her own boyfriend fucking forgot her. I truly was one of a kind.

I was vaguely aware of a knocking on the door. I looked up from where I was lying on the sofa to see that it was dark out. My head was swimming and pounding at the same time, and my mouth was as dry as the fucking desert, but I had achieved my goal. After finishing my self-deprecating rant, I couldn't feel anything, and actually had taken my mind off it all.

I knew I couldn't make it to the door, so I left whoever it was standing on the porch and turned the TV up to drown out their incessant knocking. They eventually left and I smiled to the dark room at my talent of driving people away. Fucking skill.

Not ten minutes later the knocking started again, but there were only two chaps on the door before I heard the faint sounds of a key sliding into the lock and turning until it clicked.

"Bells?" I recognized the voice somewhere in the back of my head, but I didn't bother moving. Maybe they would just leave and not bother actually looking for me. Not that that made any sense now that they had gone to the trouble of getting a key.

"Shit, Bells, what the fuck are you doing?" That would be Jasper; I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

His hand came into my peripheral vision and made a move to lift the bottle from the coffee table, effectively getting a reaction out of me. I sat up too quickly, my hand outstretched for it, and the nausea hit me full force.

"Bella?"

Rosalie's flowing blonde hair was the next thing I noticed, and it caused something in me to snap.

"No, don't touch me!" My voice screeched in the small space, and she recoiled from me as if I'd slapped her.

**Jasper's POV**

I refrained from calling Bella for most of the day, knowing she wasn't too happy with me. I knew she wasn't blaming me, but I was still the bringer of bad news, and when it came to Edward that the was the worst sort.

I had felt sick just saying it, hoping until that point that it was all just one big misunderstanding, and that it would be cleared up before she actually had to hear about it. I was beginning to think that might be the case when Edward showed up at the door. Even facing my obvious hostility, he was nothing short of confused and I could genuinely see it, but I pegged it down to confusion over how I found out.

Therefore, when my mom called me downstairs saying I had a visitor I was pretty sure it wouldn't be Bella. Strangely, I found myself hoping it would be little Alice Cullen. Spending the day with her yesterday had been something entirely familiar and yet entirely different at the same time.

I was used to spending my time with a girl, but with Alice, everything seemed right. I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but in the few days I had come to talking to her, she seemed like someone I could easily get to know better.

My thoughts on that subject stopped in their tracks, though, and were replaced with confusion as I descended the stairs. Standing just inside the front door, shuffling from foot-to-foot in nervousness, was Rosalie Hale. There was a fucking first for everything.

The girl was drop dead gorgeous, and even though I had most definitely had a thing for her at one point, it had simply disappeared, as if I had outgrown it. We were friends, and I was always glad that Bella had her to look up to.

"Rosalie, what can I do you for?" Her eyes snapped up to mine and I recognized the concern immediately.

"I went by Bella's and she won't answer the door. I thought I'd check on her after what I heard at school, and I know she's in, but she won't answer...Do you, like, have a key or something? I don't know why, but something doesn't feel right." The second she mentioned Bella, I was pulling on my Converse and grabbing my bunch of keys from the sideboard in the hall.

"Yeah, why don't we just check it out?" I was trying to keep the panic from my voice, but even I could hear it. When it came to my Bells, the smallest thing could have me worrying about her, it was like a knee-jerk reaction.

We walked down the sidewalk quickly, and I noticed the blue glare from the front room window. By the time we made it to the door, I could hear the television, a little louder than normal. One quick look around as Rosalie knocked again told me that Charlie wasn't in, and Bella was on her own.

I slipped the key into the lock and pushed the door open, following Rosalie into the hall and shutting the door behind me. She got no answer when she called Bella's name, and headed into the kitchen, but something glinting in the light from the TV caught my attention and I headed into the front room to check it out.

"Shit, Bells. What the fuck are you doing?"

I realized my words were harsh, but the nearly finished bottle of whiskey on the coffee table had caught my attention.

I moved further into the room and found her lying on her side, curled into the foetal position, staring into space. This shit was not good. Rosalie came back into the room, no doubt having heard my exclamation, and surveyed the scene around her. I heard a quiet "fuck" from her direction as I reached for the bottle of Johnny Walker.

Before my hand made purchase on the bottle, Bella had shot out of her position on the sofa with a strangled sob, as if I was massacring her teddy bear or something. Rose tried to calm her down, when the strangest moment to date happened.

"No, don't touch me!" Rose recoiled from her so fast I pondered the risk of whiplash before I saw Bella's complete reaction.

I thought at first she was shaking with fear, but she was trembling in anger as her eyes narrowed onto Rose at the opposite side of the sofa. She had curled into herself as though protecting herself from a threat before she looked back to the bottle I was still holding.

"Beautiful...blonde...not me..." She was mumbling incoherently while rocking back and forth, and I caught Rose's eyes over Bella's head. She looked as stunned and confused as I felt. Her words made no sense no matter how I tried to arrange them; she had never had a problem with Rose before, so why now. Nothing had happened involving her, she had barely seen her all week, so what the hell had changed?

"Bella? Bella, tell me what's wrong?" Rose kept her voice soft, and I kept my breathing to a minimum, neither of us wanting to break the sudden silence.

"Why should I tell you anything? Who said I even wanted to fucking talk to you?" She practically spat her words out and I'd had enough. Sure, she was drunk, but Rose looked genuinely upset by Bella's words. I had to put an end to this.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Her eyes immediately flicked to me and they narrowed impossibly more.

"Why the fuck do you care?" She stood with her finger pointed at me, no doubt ready to say more, but she swayed on her feet and before I could react, she was on the floor. In my attempt to catch her I dropped the bottle and it smashed into wet shards off the corner of the coffee table, giving Bella something extra to land in.

She strangled a sob and curled in on herself once again, this time not caring that she was sitting in glass and alcohol that was slowly filling the room with its stench. I crouched down beside her, but it seemed all the fight was gone from her.

"Rose, phone the Cullens, maybe Carlisle will come round..." She looked at me sceptically as Bella whimpered at the sound of their name, but it was the best I could think of as I wrapped her into my arms and held her. I ignored her feeble shoves and held her still, not wanting to cause any more damage.

I didn't question it as Rose picked up the phone and dialled their number from memory, it was something I could ask her at a later date, and I listened in to her side of the conversation as I continued to rock Bella back and forth.

"Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, Mrs. Cullen, but is Carlisle there?"

"Hey, Dr C. I'm really sorry about this, but Bella's had a pretty nasty accident in the house and I was wondering if you could pop 'round...she's uh...not really in a fit state for the hospital if you know what I mean..."

"Thank you. Okay, thanks. Bye." She turned to me and nodded before replacing the phone where she got it and sat in the chair by the fireplace.

Bella had grown quiet, and I was worried that she was asleep; I wasn't sure what the protocol for these things was. She had drunk nearly a whole bottle of scotch on top of all the pain medication she was taking, and I was mighty surprised she was even still conscious. However, I tried to get her to talk to me just to make sure she wasn't going to drop off on me.

I had made it through two useless attempts at conversation when I heard a car pulling up outside. Knowing the sounds of Charlie's SUV, I was fairly certain it was Carlisle as Rose got up to meet him at the door.

He greeted her pleasantly before she ushered him into the room. The lights had been turned on by the time he got here so the mess was plain to see. I watched as his eyes surveyed the damage before landing on an even more damaged Bella, who was muttering to herself in my arms.

"The bottle smashed and she landed in it, but she's been drinking for most of the night by the looks of it..." He looked at me pointedly, and I had to control my anger at his insinuation.

"She was alone. Charlie said she didn't want to see anyone, but when Rose wasn't getting an answer she came to me for the key." He nodded once before he carefully brushed any obvious glass out of his way and knelt beside us.

"Bella, can I see your arm?" She acted as if a volt had run up her spine, bristling in my embrace, trying to pull herself as far back as she could get.

"No, you can't be here...don't want you here...he can't be here...he's not even yours." I watched as Carlisle's eyes widened momentarily before he took a deep breath, clearly calming his own demeanour.

"Bella, he's a doctor and you're hurt. The quicker he checks you, the quicker he can leave." He looked almost grateful that I had changed the topic, and gave me an appreciatory nod.

Bella held out her shaking arm, and he closed his hand around her wrist. I watched her closely for any pain or discomfort as he removed each tiny piece of glass from her wound. By the time he was finished with that task and had cleaned up most of the blood from her skin, I was taken aback as to how extensive the gash actually was.

He wrapped it carefully, looking thankful that Bella had stopped talking, but ultimately concerned too. We gently eased her back onto the sofa, and as he continued to check her over, removing glass, cleaning wounds and even flashing his light in her eyes, Rose and I proceeded to clean the glass and mess from the wooden floor around them.

I was returning from the kitchen when he caught my eye. He placed Bella's foot gently back on the ground after having her knee bent to clean another gash, and nodded to the front hall. Rose continued to brush up any loose fragments of glass as I wandered over to where Carlisle had stopped.

"Jasper, what's going on?" Shit, how the fuck was I supposed to answer that?

"She...uh, she got some bad news last night...I guess she's not taking it too well..." He looked at me confused, then turned to look at Bella.

"This is worrying...Do you know what it was? I can't have her acting like this when she needs to get better. She's a risk to herself, Jasper."

Fuck, that sounded like a speech that preceded "I'm going to put her in a loony bin."

"She found out about Edward, Carlisle...As long as he stays away from her then I can take care of her." His eyebrows knitted together in confusion before he looked back to Bella. Guess he didn't know either.

Before he could answer me, Bella started muttering things to herself and I was back at her side and holding her before she could do anything more. I was worried, sick to my stomach, because this was so much worse than she had been before.

At least at the end of last year she wasn't doing anything. She locked herself away, talked to no one, barely even me. However, she concentrated on her schoolwork just so she could think about other things. The only thing she did to herself was not eat. I would have taken that again over any of this. This shit was dangerous.

"Did anyone call, Charlie?" Rose's voice floated to me from the kitchen, where she was dumping the last of the broken glass into a garbage bag.

"I'll do it," Carlisle answered. He pulled out his cell before I could say anything, so I only watched as he waited for him to answer.

When he hung up he looked tense, but said Charlie would be right here. It was only twenty minutes at the most to La Push so he would be ten at the most. Bella had quietened completely when there was a knock at the door. Charlie wouldn't knock and there was only one other person who would be here that wasn't Jake.

Carlisle made a move to answer it, but I stopped him with my hand, silently asking Rose to look after Bella while I stepped out. He wasn't going to answer it, but he wasn't going to stay away either. I opened the door to a panicked looking Edward, but before he could say anything, I was stepping out and closing it behind me so he couldn't force his way in.

"Jasper, why is my dad's car here?"

_"He's not even yours..."_

What had Bella been talking about? She had never gone into specifics about the problems Edward had when they met, and I was becoming more intrigued by the day. And even though I'd deny it if you ever asked me, I was a little worried about Edward too.

"Bella had an accident, but she's okay now." I kept my tone level as Edward tried to look around me.

"Well, can I see her? Charlie said she was asleep when I called earlier...I just want to see her..." For a second his voice sounded as broken as Bella's, but he coughed immediately and I wondered if I had imagined it.

"No, Edward." His eyes flashed with anger and I held my hands up. "_I'm_ not saying this, Edward, _she_ is. She doesn't want to see you, and even if I think it's best if she talks to you herself, she doesn't want it. I can't let you go in there." He looked at me incredulously and tried to step round me. There was no way I was getting into a fight with this guy, but I wasn't backing down.

"Edward, please, I'm not lying..." His eyes snapped to my face and just like Bella's, narrowed in accusation.

"Jasper, I know you don't like me, so why the fuck should I believe you now?"

"Because she fucking knows, Edward! This has fuck all to do with me!" Just like Carlisle, he didn't understand. His brows furrowed in confusion and he took a step back.

"Knows what? You said that yesterday, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" He seemed genuine enough even through his anger and frustration, and I prayed that I hadn't gotten things wrong. This would be all my fault if I had.

"About Lauren! The whole school knew about you two yesterday, did you really think you could keep it a secret?" His face paled and I wasn't sure whether to feel relieved that I hadn't done the wrong thing or pissed that it was true. I had the sudden urge to pummel him for being such a jerk when Charlie screeched into the driveway, narrowly getting through the gap between Carlisle's Mercedes and Edward's Volvo.

"Where's my girl? What the hell happened?" Charlie had never been one to curse, but I guess that was as close as it came.

He raced into the house without waiting for an answer, and when I looked back around Edward was standing stock still, head bowed and eyes closed. I nearly smiled when I recognized the move myself; Bella had described it in perfect detail. But this was no moment for reminiscing or smiling.

He made no attempt to move when I headed back into the house, so I closed the door gently, making sure he didn't try to come in anyway, before I headed back to the living room.

What I was met with nearly broke my heart. Charlie was on the sofa with Bella tucked under his chin, resting on his lap and he hugged her to him. She was crying uncontrollably, and I noticed a few tear tracks on his cheeks too.

Charlie Swan had never been a master with words, but everyone knew he loved his daughter more than any father did, and seeing him so broken up over his little girl was too much for any of us to witness as we all tried to look elsewhere.

"I'll get going, don't hesitate to call me, okay?" Carlisle spoke up. Both Charlie and I nodded in answer, and there was a hint of a smile at the action.

"Make sure...he...goes home." I flicked my eyes to Bella and was relieved that she was too hysterical to notice what I was mentioning.

Carlisle followed my gaze and frowned, clearly puzzled as to the change in events, much like Charlie had been. They had seemed incredibly close to everyone on Sunday, and now she was drinking herself into oblivion. He nodded solemnly and headed to the door. Stepping outside, I watched through the glass as he grasped his sons shoulder and towed him to his car.

They seemed to be having a pretty heavy conversation, with Edward pointing at the house all the while. Once again, something cracked inside me when I saw the boy was crying. I sighed in frustration more than anything because this night just wasn't right.

Edward should have been here, holding her on the sofa and watching some ridiculous film as Rose and I sat with them, her trying not to make snarky comments every five minutes, and me trying not to rip Edward limb from limb for touching Bella again. But it was all messed up, as per fucking usual.

Nothing in Bella's life seemed to go according to any kind of plan, and I briefly wondered how she coped with any of it. She was the single strongest person I had ever met, even if she had nearly killed herself tonight.

Edward finally got into his car and followed as Carlisle pulled away from the sidewalk. I turned back to the room to find Rose watching me, near to tears herself. She walked slowly over to me, purposefully trying not to make too much noise.

"That could have been so much worse." Her voice was vulnerable, and it was the first time I had ever heard such a tone come from the queen of confidence.

"Thank you for coming to get me," I answered. She nodded sadly, both of us trying to avoid wondering what would have happened had we not found her.

"What the hell are we gonna do, Jazz? She looks beyond repair," she muttered desperately. I was gathering Rosalie Hale into my arms before I even thought it through.

She wrapped her arms around my torso and held herself there, shaking her head slightly as she continued her thought. I noticed in that moment, whether it was inappropriate or not, that there was nothing there - between Rose and I - at all, and for some reason I felt relieved about that.

There was less in this hug than when I had slung my arm over Alice's tiny frame the day before. We were good friends, and I felt suddenly enlightened when I realized I liked Alice more than that.

"I think she already is." I sighed gently and felt Rosalie's tears hitting my shirt. I squeezed Rose to me tighter, rocking us both back and forward, needing the comfort as much as the broken and young looking girl huddled on her father's lap.

It had been a long day, but the week was going to be even longer still. I wasn't sure how any of us were going to cope with seeing Bella in self-destruct mode, but I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that all of us and more would be here every step of the way to get her back to some semblance of normalcy.

* * *

_How about a round of applause?  
A standing ovation? _

You look so dumb right now, standing outside my house  
Trying to apologize, you're so ugly when you cry  
Please, just cut it out

And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not  
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

_But you put on quite a show, really had me going  
But now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing  
That was quite a show, very entertaining  
But it's over now  
Go on and take a bow _

Grab your clothes and get gone  
You better hurry up, before the sprinklers come on  
Talking' bout' girl, I love you, you're the one  
This just looks like a re-run  
Please, what else is on

And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not  
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

_But you put on quite a show, really had me going  
But now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing  
That was quite a show, very entertaining  
But it's over now  
Go on and take a bow...  
_

_And the award for  
The best liar goes to you  
For making me believe,  
That you, could be, faithful to me  
Let's hear your speech, _

But you put on quite a show, really had me going  
Now it's time to go, curtain's finally closing  
That was quite a show, very entertaining  
But it's over now  
Go on and take a bow  
But it's over now

_Take A Bow - Rihanna_

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Review!**

**Follow me over on twitter at LiveInDakota**

**Also...if any of you are good at making banners or know someone who is can you please let me kno because this story needs one for over on Twlighted and The Writers Coffee Shop, whoever gets the job or helps gets a prize in the form of an outtake you wont see anywhere else :)) Lemons I hear you ask? Why of course... Please help, thanks =)**

**xx**


	16. Loss Of Control

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**So here we are! EPOV! And no...it doesn't answer the most important question...but there are yet more problems raised...more I hear you ask? Of course...the path of true love never did run smooth did it?**

**Anyways I'll let you get on with it :P**

**As usual Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight...I just play around with it :)**

**Enjoy xx**

* * *

**Chapter 16: Loss of Control**

Going back to the corner where I first saw you  
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move  
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand  
Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?"

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand  
I'm not, broke, I'm just a broken hearted man  
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do  
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me  
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be  
Thinkin' maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet  
And you'll see me waiting for you, on our corner of the street  
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving...

Policeman says, "Son you can't stay here"  
I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year"  
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows  
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go

'Cause If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me  
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be  
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet  
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street  
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,  
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy, that's waiting on a girl  
There are no holes in his shoes, but a big hole in his world

Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved  
Maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news  
And you'll come running to the corner, 'cause you'll know it's just for you  
I'm the man who can't be moved, I'm the man who can't be moved.

'Cause If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me  
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be  
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet  
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street  
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,  
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

'Cause If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me  
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be  
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet  
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street

Going back to the corner where I first saw you  
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move

_The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script_

* * *

**EPOV**

The second Jasper mentioned Lauren's name, I felt the blood drain from my face. While I had always realized she wasn't someone to be trusted, it had gone too far.

My thoughts strayed to Bella - the way they always did - and I felt sick. What had I done? As Carlisle opened the door to leave, her cries floated out to me in the still night air and I clenched my fists at my side in anger. I had fucked it all up; easily one of the best things that had happened to me, and I had most likely ruined it completely.

Jasper was genuinely concerned. He didn't need to say it, it was written all over his face. He looked tired, worried and defeated; this shit was beyond bad.

Carlisle asked me if I was okay when he came out of the house, but did he really have to ask? In only one week, that girl had become my whole world, and my only reason for getting through school in the past two days. I was supposed to follow him home in my own car so we could sit down and talk about it all, but just before we left the outskirts of town, I made a snap decision.

The Mercedes sped on onto the dark highway and I switched on my indicator, taking a left down one of the last remaining streets. The start of this whole fucked up mess was the only reason I even knew where Lauren lived, and I was very near to losing my temper again as I pulled up outside her house.

There were lights on everywhere and I had a distinct feeling of discomfort at the thought that she wouldn't even be there. That would just make the rumour mill spin faster.

I wandered up the path, noticing that there were three people sitting in the front room watching the TV, and with a sigh of relief, recognized the back of Lauren's head from her spot on the sofa. I watched through the glass door as she stood from the sofa and headed towards the door. I even saw her fucking face light up when she noticed it was me.

"Edward! How are you?" I cringed at her high-pitched voice and the way it garnered the attention of her parents.

"Lauren, we need to talk _- now_." Her eyes widened momentarily at the tone of my voice before she composed herself and plastered on another sickening smile.

"Sure, do you want to come up to my room?" She flicked her hair over her shoulder, and I was pretty sure her eyes wandered over my form. It was pretty damn obvious why I was there, but she didn't seem to care that she was coming between Bella and I.

"No, out here is fine." I stepped back, letting her know I wanted her to shut the door and stand on the porch with me. This time if there was anyone spying or walking past they would know exactly what the fuck was going on.

"Edward, what's wrong?" The anger I had been trying to control snapped in me the second her hand landed on my arm, and I jerked it away from her touch.

"Have you any idea what the fuck you've done?" She looked slightly confused before realization dawned on her. She didn't even look fucking sympathetic.

"I just...it wasn't that big of a deal, Edward."

"Wasn't that big of a deal? You are fucking delusional!" She recoiled away from me as I threw my hands up in exasperation, my voice rising.

"Lauren, is everything okay out here?" Mrs Mallory opened the door slowly and poked her head out, probably concerned about my shouting.

"Yeah, Mom, everything's fine." I snorted in disbelief. Things were far from fucking fine.

"Mrs Mallory, I'm Edward Cullen, I go to Forks High." She looked taken aback that I was being so polite, but took my outstretched hand anyway.

"It's nice to meet you, Edward, but can I ask why you're here so late?"

"Mom, it's fine."

"Sorry it's late, but it was urgent. You see…Lauren, here, yesterday decided it would be a good idea to tell our entire grade something that she had no right to. Not only that, but the outcome hurt a lot of people. She doesn't seem to grasp that concept, though. One of my closest friends just had an emergency visit from my dad. Dr Cullen, maybe you've heard of him?"

As I turned back to Lauren's mom, her eyes were as wide as her daughters and she was as white as a ghost. My voice was laced with sweetness as I explained the situation and tried to win her over. It seemed like it had worked when I mentioned my father's name.

"Lauren, what have you done?" Her eyes travelled to her daughter, as did mine, and I found her looking more confused than ever.

"Bella found out about it last night, and to say she took it badly would be an understatement. She nearly killed herself on alcohol tonight, Lauren, and it's all down to you." I gritted my teeth, but it was still plainly obvious that I was seething. Mrs Mallory's gasp was enough to make her look contrite, and I suddenly realized maybe I had said too much.

"You understand, Mrs Mallory, that this can't go any further. It was confidential information, and you could be sued for malicious intent." Okay, so I totally made that up, but I had to cover my tracks.

"Of course, Edward, we understand. Don't we, Lauren?" I was no longer the only angry one standing amongst us, and I would have felt smug if I wasn't so drained. When her daughter nodded, she retreated into the house, leaving me outside with a panicked looking Lauren.

"If you ever talk to me or Bella again I will end you, do you understand?" She nodded almost immediately at the tone of my voice, and I saw her eyes beginning to tear-up. Good, she should fucking feel bad.

"I'm so sorry, Edward, I didn't..."

I spun around and growled. "What the fuck did I just say?" Her eyes widened again before she nodded and headed back into the house.

I was pissed. Even though I was blaming Lauren, it was still my fucking fault. Biggest mistake of my fucking life, and I was paying for it with the worst sort of punishment. I had hurt Bella, the only thing that really mattered to me anymore.

I was trembling with anger as I drove home through the dark. I thought about turning the lights off and hoping for the worst, but I couldn't even fucking do that. Stupid fucking safety car. After the accident, it made sense to buy the safest car on the market, but that wasn't helping me at this moment.

I took the right onto our long-ass driveway and slowed my speed down, knowing another accident would cause my family more pain that really wasn't needed. I had put them through enough as it was, and rationally I knew it wasn't the answer. I needed to fight for Bella, not give up in the worst possible way.

I peeled into the garage, not wanting to get soaked in the rain that had started up, and the sound of the garage door closing obviously caught Emmett's attention. He stood, hip against a counter, with his arms folded across his chest until I was out of the car and had it locked behind me.

"How's Bella?" Hadn't Carlisle told him? He knew more than I did.

"I don't know fucking anything, Emmett. It was Carlisle that was in there, not me." His brows furrowed in confusion before he continued.

"But he said you turned back...I thought you went to see her..."

"No, I went to Lauren's. She needed to fucking know what she did." My brother's face paled at her name and he looked at me in concern.

"Dude...was that a good idea?"

"I don't fucking know, Emmett, but it can't possibly make things worse can it?"

"I'm sorry she told everyone, bro...but you shouldn't..."

"Edward, I was beginning to worry about you." Carlisle's entrance into the garage cut off whatever Emmett was about to say, but I had a pretty good idea what it was going to be anyway.

"What's wrong with Bella?" There was no need to beat around the bush was there?

"Why don't we get into the house before we start all that?" He waved his hand towards the door that led into the kitchen, and let Emmett and I go through first.

Emmett, unsurprisingly, headed straight for the cupboard and pulled out a packet of pop tarts, getting stuck straight into them. My eyes followed Carlisle as he sat himself down on one of the stools and raked his hand through his hair. He looked exhausted and I felt grateful to him. Rose had phoned only twenty minutes after Carlisle got back home from his shift, and he didn't hesitate in turning round and heading back out.

"She just needs lots of rest. There really isn't anything else to it. I had a word with Charlie, and he insisted there would be someone looking over her closely for the near future..." I ran myself a glass of ice-cold water and gulped it down in one go, needing something, anything to calm me down.

"Edward, what did she find out? Jasper said she found out something about you..." I could faintly detect the accusation in his voice, probably because I was so used to it by now.

It may have been immature, but I shook my head and walked out of the room, not wanting to hash through the mess I made again. I was already reliving it in my head, time and again. I threw my car keys into the little bowl on the table and caught my reflection in the mirror on the wall above it.

Just looking at myself made the images come back to me full force, and in a move so quick I had my fist smashed into the middle of the glass. The sound of it shattering broke through the haze I had been suffering under, and the pain shot through my knuckles and up my arm.

"Edward!" Esme's gasp sounded from the dining room, and I heard her high-heeled staccato across the hardwood floor. When her small hand touched my cheek, the tears finally started to fall and I felt somewhat relieved.

"My boy."

The second her arms wound around my neck and brought me down for a hug, I crumpled to the floor and she knelt down beside me, cradling me to her as she used to do when I was little. If only a hug from my mom and a kiss where it hurt was the answer this time.

_"Edward, tell me what's wrong." Her voice was broken as she begged me to let her in, but for some reason her concern only made me angrier._

_"There's nothing you can do, Esme! You can't fix this!" Her eyes widened as I called her by her name, and I almost felt guilty as the tears gathered at the corner of her eyes._

_She watched as I packed a bag, but finally realizing there was really nothing she could do, she turned and left my bedroom silently. She left the door wide open and I watched her descend the stairs. _

_I threw in my jeans and a few tops, what looked like enough for a week. Right at the top of my bag, before I zipped it up, I slid in a notebook - my notebook - when Alice appeared in the doorway._

_"You could tell her, Edward." I shook my head and narrowed my eyes at her. "She's only worried about you. At least if she knew she would know you're safe and coming back..." I knew she was only trying to keep our family together, but I snapped anyway._

_"Who said anything about coming back, Alice? If I find her, I don't need them." She flinched and I realized she thought I meant her too._

_"Alice, I love you...I always will, nothing can change that, but I can't be in the same house as those two. I really have to find her..." She nodded silently as I gathered her into my arms and rocked us back and forth. She was my baby sister, nothing could change that._

_She watched quietly as I finished my packing. I grabbed my cell phone before hoisting the one lonely bag onto my shoulder and descending the stairs. Carlisle and Esme were standing, their arms around one another, watching me as I made my way out the door. Alice already knew to say bye to Emmett for me, so without another word I made my way to my car and threw the bag in._

_"Please, son...tell us what's wrong?" I turned around to find Carlisle watching me and was filled with something not unlike disgust. _

_Ignoring him, I slid into the driver's seat, buckled myself in and closed the door. Turning on the radio almost immediately, I made my way down the long driveway and out onto the road leading into the centre of Chicago. There were a few things I needed before I started my long drive west._

I gasped as I came back to the present, still not used to having flashbacks of any kind. My brow furrowed as I looked past my mom's head, the details of my latest flashback coming back to me.

I was in our home in Chicago; I remembered my bedroom without hesitation. Therefore, it must have been after my stint in New York. It was the anger and disgust at my parents that was confusing me the most. I had called Esme by her name; I had never done that before, so why had I done it then?

I was desperate to get out of that house, not thinking twice about leaving Alice there, so that meant that the problem in our home was between only our parents and me.

Then there was the desperation of getting to wherever I was leaving for. After only a few seconds thinking about it, I pieced it together. I was going looking for _her_; the girl I had spent my summer with. I was travelling across the country, going west, to find her again.

And everyone thought romance was dead. I would have laughed if I wasn't in so much pain.

That was why I had been driving so far from home. I was on my way to find her when I crashed. I had never made it. And I certainly hadn't been in touch with her since…Fuck, I didn't even know she existed until a week ago. She was out there somewhere thinking I had forgotten her, or I didn't want her. She must hate me.

Just like Bella, she probably thought I was some sort of asshole. Someone who told her I loved her and then dropped all communication. This was beginning to sound more and more like the other side of Bella's story.

"Aw, shit." Emmett sounded like someone had just stolen the last seat in the cafeteria, and I looked round to find him leaning against the back of the sofa. I thought I heard him mumble "here we go again," when Carlisle appeared beside Esme.

"Son?" As if on impulse, one I didn't understand, I snatched my arm away from Carlisle's grip. Esme's intake of breath and Carlisle's widened eyes told me all I needed to know. There was something happening back then that even I hadn't comprehended.

"It's amazing really..."

"What is, sweetie?" Esme's voice was hesitant, and I even noticed Emmett move closer.

"I haven't remembered anything in five months, and then in a week I have nearly a flashback a day..." If I hadn't needed confirmation already, Esme's reaction told me it all. Her skin turned white, not unlike Mrs Mallory's had, and she dropped her hands from where they had been twisted in my hair.

"Dude, why didn't you tell us!" Emmett sat himself on the floor beside me, nudging me gently and nodding towards Carlisle. I took his hint and handed my hand back to him, where he started checking over my knuckles. Esme was kneeling on the floor, with space between us, worrying herself back and forth.

"My weekend was a little busy."

Emmett chuckled wryly, nodding his head. I flinched as Carlisle bent my knuckles, watching as the skin turned white.

"I guess nothing's changed?" Three sets of confused eyes turned to look at me, wanting an explanation as to what I meant.

"You're not going to tell me anything?" Carlisle turned his attention back to my wound, Esme picked my hand back up, and Emmett shook his head sadly - the only one who really gave me an answer.

"This is the second time I've done this while off shift today..." Dad commented, trying to change the subject.

"Subtle, Dad, real subtle." We all chuckled at Emmett's statement and for the first time in a long time, it seemed to me like a family moment.

"Is Bella really going to be okay?" Esme squeezed my hand gently, and Emmett cocked his head to the side as he waited for the answer.

"Nothing a stress and people free couple of days won't fix...I think it's best if she doesn't see you for a while, Edward..." He raised an eyebrow almost as if he was expecting an argument.

"Don't think she wants to see me anyway..." It could have been comical the way all their eyebrows shot up, but I was in no mood to laugh.

"What happened?" Esme decided to ask this time, as Carlisle was busy removing minute shards of glass from my hand.

"Lauren," Emmett muttered. He always did have a knack for answering questions that weren't his to answer. Esme only looked more confused, but I really didn't want to get into my colossal fuck-up.

"Can we not talk about this, it's making me ill just thinking about it," I intervened. Emmett chuckled again, this time long and loud while Carlisle and Esme just exchanged glances.

"Nothing permanent, just no playing, and no punching anything else." Carlisle gave me a pointed look, as if he thought I had someone on a list somewhere that I wanted to beat up. However, apart from Lauren, there was no one, and I would never hit a fucking girl.

"Yes...no punching anything else please." Everyone laughed at Esme's input, referring to any more mirrors in our professionally decorated house.

I hoisted myself back up onto my feet and asked another question without really thinking about it first. "Did I have a notebook?" They couldn't tell me anything so I didn't know why I was even asking.

"Yeah, you used to doodle in it all the time, too...Why?" My eyes nearly fell out of my head as Emmett actually answered a question. I smirked when Carlisle looked at him in warning, and Esme shook her head. Realization dawned on him and this time I did laugh.

"Do you know where it is?" I was still chuckling at his expression and his smile almost looked like he was confused as he watched me. Guess I hadn't laughed in a while, or very often.

"No, dude sorry, it's gotta be in your room somewhere. When was the last time you saw it?" He seemed genuine enough, and I knew he wasn't lying to get out of anything.

"About ten minutes ago actually." He looked confused again before his lips formed an "o" as he caught on.

"You want me to help you look for it?" I shook my head, and he patted me on the back in his big brother way before heading over to the sofa and picking up his controller, continuing where he had clearly left off with his game.

"I'm, uh...just gonna hit the sack...I guess I'll see you in the morning." Esme raised up onto her tiptoes and kissed me on the forehead, murmuring a goodnight as both Emmett and Carlisle called it from the other side of the room.

I wondered if they would discuss what Emmett had done once I had left the room, but Carlisle packed up his medical kit and headed up the stairs behind me while Esme headed into the kitchen. He stopped at the door to his study and said goodnight again as I ascended the next flight up the stairs, heading to the top floor, my own private space.

I briefly wondered where Alice had been all night, as I hadn't seen her since we got home from school, but I pushed it aside when I heard her music as I passed her room. Maybe it had been loud enough to drown out the commotion I had made downstairs and she simply hadn't heard it, but there was something telling me she was avoiding me and had been since her evening at Bella's the day before.

As I crawled into bed an hour later, having hunted for the phantom notebook with no success and showered, I had a strange feeling that was entirely different from the pain I was in over the Bella and Lauren situation. If Alice was avoiding me, then there was something seriously wrong and her silence in the car today had only heightened that worry.

I tossed and turned for what felt like hours. Once I was finally asleep I was assaulted by yet more strange dreams. Nightmare was too strong a word for these, but they certainly didn't fail to put me on edge.

_I was walking into the trees at the edge of Bella's house, Bella at my side, our hands clasped together. She had a small flower tucked behind her ear and was looking at me as if I was the only person in the world. However, when I returned her smile she stopped dead in her tracks and her expression turned to one of intense pain and anguish._

_"Why don't you love me enough?"_

_"Bella, I do love you...Where is this coming from?" She laughed manically, the sound sending a chill down my spine before she answered in a high-pitched scream._

_"If you loved me you'd remember me!" Before I could answer, she vanished, along with the trees and the smell of the wood around us._

_I was standing outside our apartment building in New York; the sun glaring off the passing cars, waiting for something that I knew wouldn't come. _

_I started pacing up and down the sidewalk, beads of sweat forming on the back of my neck with the more time I spent in the sun. When I turned back to the door, there was one single sunflower sitting atop the step, and as I bent to pick it up, it vanished. In its place was a single leaf of small white paper, which fluttered in a non-existent breeze. I picked it up off the hot marble of the apartment complex's stairs._

_"I would run through fire and water for such a kind heart."_

_It was a perfect imitation of Bella's handwriting, I could tell after all the notes of hers I had copied over the week. It was also William Shakespeare, I didn't know why I knew that, but I did._

When I awoke, I felt more disorientated than freaked out. The end of my dream, though improbable, a sunflower turning into a note, felt real. As if it was just another flashback. But that made no sense when you filtered in Bella's handwriting. Along with the way I knew I _had_ felt and the way I _did_ feel about Bella, sunflowers being Bella's favourite, and the fact that I had been outside our apartment complex; it all seemed truer than a dream.

I shook my head, hating the fact that my brain was now playing tricks on me after being uncooperative for months. This was fucking confusing shit, and it was just giving me more to make me confused.

I sat up in bed, groaning when I realized it was only three in the morning. I knew without trying that I would be getting no more sleep tonight, so why bother? When I noticed my phone blinking from the nightstand, I furrowed my brows at it, as if it could answer my confusion. How tired was I? It was a fucking inanimate object.

Picking it up, my heart missed a beat completely when I read Bella's name on the screen. My hope was short lived, though, as I opened the message. The screen was blank, not even a full stop. The fact that that confused me too just pissed me off and I hurled it across the room.

It clattered off the wall opposite my bed with a force large enough to split it into three parts.

Why had Bella sent me a blank message? It had 1.15am on it as a timestamp so it wasn't something I had missed earlier in the day. Had she been about to text me and sent it blank by mistake? Had she been about to text me and changed her mind, but it sent anyway? Fuck, she could have been doing something like deleting me from her contact list and hit send by mistake.

As my eyes zeroed in on the dent in the wall, I felt somewhat guilty for my actions. I had lost count of the things I had damaged in our old home due to my temper; mirrors, vases, doors, you name it, I think I broke it. I was supposed to be getting help for it, but it obviously wasn't working. Why where people behind desks always so adamant that if I talked it all through I would be miraculously better?

Sighing in aggravation, I rolled out of bed and padded round to where my cell was lying in pieces, picking them all up and launching myself back onto my bed again. I fitted them all back together and turned the little piece of equipment on, finding that I had done very little damage to it at all. There was more fucking evidence on the wall than the phone.

To torture myself further, I opened my messages box, just to see Bella's name at the top. If I forgot everything that had happened, it seemed like a pretty normal thing, even though it had never happened before. It was as if she belonged there, and my inbox should be full of things only from her.

It was those kinds of feelings that bothered me the most. One because I didn't know where they came from, and two, it confused me why I thought they were so normal. I typed out a text to Bella and re-read it as my thumb hovered over the send button.

_Bella, please talk to me. E x_

I flipped it shut, placed it back on my bedside cabinet and instead, grabbed my sketchbook. I had no right to be lying on my bed staring at a portrait of Bella with what I had done to her, so I flicked past that page and settled on a new one, pondering what to sketch.

I didn't know why I bothered thinking like that; there was only one thing I knew well enough to sketch, that I would actually want to keep looking back on.

Deciding to do it in black and white this time, I picked up my usual HB pencil and set to work, not overthinking it as the lead hit the white paper. I swivelled the sheet - suddenly needing it landscape - and let the pencil take over, thankful that playing and drawing had always helped me forget for a few hours.

My right fist throbbed painfully all the while as I left it lying beside the paper, finding that I could draw with my left hand as easily as my other. The lines flowed from the end of the pencil in the same fluid motion as they would from the opposite side, and I watched almost as a third party as my thoughts became real on the page in front of me.

I pulled back from the paper what felt like hours later, and stared at what had come to life below me. It was undoubtedly Bella, but there were subtle hints that I had made her the girl from my flashbacks. My subconscious was making them the same person, probably to rub it in my face that they weren't.

I swallowed uncomfortably when I realized I had been an asshole to two completely different girls without really meaning to do either. Had this been my second chance at being happy? If it was, then I had just ruined it beyond repair, and I felt sick with myself and the situation I had put myself in.

Why the fuck did I lie?

Whether it was Bella or my mysterious girl, she was sitting on the top of a picnic bench, her feet resting lightly on the actual seat, her side facing me as she looked out over whatever had been there. There were dozens of benches where she could have been sitting, so even knowing New York, I had no idea what had her attention so enraptured.

What struck me was that it was Bella the way I imagined she had been. Her figure was fuller, her back straighter, her head held just a little bit higher, and everything in her face lighter and happier. This was the way my mind told me she looked before her accident. She had told me she had stopped eating, so I had guessed that she was still slim, but with a little bit more meat to her. So that was how I had drawn her.

Her hair was pulled back off her face, the way I saw it most of the time now, and a few loose tendrils were whispering around the base of her neck. She had her forearms resting lightly on the tops of her thighs and her hands clasped loosely down at knee level. She was relaxed beyond belief and completely happy to be there with me, as I imagined myself beside her,_ really_ drawing her.

I threw the pencil across the room, much like I had with my phone, as I found myself wishing that my mysterious girl were Bella. I didn't care if that made me an asshole, hoping that the girl I had actually been in love with didn't exist, but I wanted it to be Bella more than anything.

I didn't know why I was trying to cover it. I was an asshole for thinking such a thing, and I felt the knife twist in my gut every time I did, but right at that moment, all I wanted was Bella and I knew that I couldn't have her. She wasn't going to want anything to do with me.

It had been less than forty-eight hours since I had last seen her and I was craving her as if she was some sort of drug. My own personal brand of heroin, only_ I_ was bad for _her_, not the other way round.

I realized with a sigh and a groan that I was right. Why did I have to be fucking right? I clearly wasn't good enough for her and after yesterday, she knew that perfectly. She deserved so much more than me, but even the thought of her with someone else had my blood boiling.

Even seeing her fucking hugging Emmett after his football practice had me seething with jealousy, and that was only on Thursday; I had only known her for two fucking days. I'd managed to control my temper and not fucking thump him just for touching her because she'd seemed genuinely happy when he had hugged her. I guess I knew deep down inside or some shit that Emmett really was just a big teddy bear and if he made her smile, it was fucking fine with me.

Sound outside my door caught my attention before there was a soft knock, characteristically telling me it was Alice. As I called her in, I became increasingly nervous, knowing this was when she wanted to talk and as I racked my brain for anything, I came up short. I liked to be fucking prepared for conversations like this, even if it was nothing to do with me. I at least needed to know how to react beforehand. We all knew how short my fuse was, bite me.

"Edward?"

"Yeah, Alice, I'm up." I laughed humorlessly as she closed the door behind her softly.

My worrying increased tenfold as she turned to face me. Her short dark hair was matted and sticking up at even odder angles than usual. Her eyes were puffy from crying, her lip was white from her worrying it, and there were large circles under her eyes, telling me she hadn't slept a wink. That made two of us.

"Hey, come here." The brother in me kicked in as I stood from the bed and held my arms out to her, cradling her into my chest as tightly as I could, trying to take away her pain. She was my little sister and I loved her more than anything. Seeing her in this state made me forget all the pain I was in myself, if only for a moment.

"Ali, what's wrong?" Fuck this was bad.

She shook her head and stepped back from me, leaving me more confused. When had she ever willingly given up one of my hugs? The feeling that it involved me came back full force when she bit her bottom lip, her eyes leaking continuously.

"You're going to hate me..." I shook my head almost immediately. That was never an option.

"Ali, look at me." I waited for her eyes to lift to mine before I continued. "I could never hate you, okay? Now, after you tell me whatever it is...in the future...no matter what it is, I love you, okay?" She had to know that any time in life I would always be here for her. I had missed nearly a whole year of her life, I wasn't leaving her again.

"I...I want to go home..." Huh? I wasn't expecting that. It took me a few minutes before I realized what she meant. She watched me closely for my reaction, but I was careful not to let anything show. Sure, it felt like all the blood drained from my face, but I didn't hate her.

"Have you talked to Mom and Dad about this? Why Alice?" I didn't mean to run my questions together, but I was confused as I tried to wrap my head around it.

"No...I had to ask you first...I mean, we moved here to help you...so I thought I should, like, run it past you..." She was stuttering as she tried to force her answer out.

"If you want to go home, Alice, then we'll go home...but you have to talk to mom and dad...I mean, he has his job here now..." I felt sorry for her as her lip quivered. If she was so desperate to go back to Chicago then I'd help her, but when I thought of Carlisle and his new job, I knew there was a very slim chance it would actually happen.

"You'd come with me?" Her brows furrowed together in confusion at my statement.

"Of course...you're family...we gotta stick together, right?" I smiled goofily on purpose to lighten the mood, and sighed internally when she smiled a small smile.

"I'm sorry...we moved here thinking it would help you...but it hasn't and it just disrupted everything..." She mumbled the end of her sentence into my shoulder as I pulled her in for another hug, shaking my head.

"I don't know if it's being here, but something's changed..." She pulled back quicker than I had ever seen her move.

"I've started remembering things...finally..." Her eyes widened even more and the tears started up full force. Naive to the ways of women I thought they were happy tears, seeing as it was a good fucking thing, but a sob broke out of her and she threw her hand to her mouth before she turned and left my room. Flying down the stairs and slamming her bedroom door, I was left with my jaw hanging open, wondering what the fuck had just happened.

Glancing at the clock I noticed it was nearly seven, and headed down the stairs to Alice, knowing the rest of the house would either be up or awake soon. I stopped outside her door and was met with a concerned looking Carlisle at the top of the next flight of stairs.

"Edward, what's going on?"

"I have no clue...she came to ask me if we could go home, and then when I said I had started remembering things she ran away crying..." I shoved my hands through my hair, having had just about enough of fucking girls and their crazy emotions. Even if it wasn't their fucking fault, it was driving me round the fucking bend.

"She wants to go home?" Carlisle looked as confused as I felt, and I nodded my head. "And she didn't say anything else?"

"No...just that because we'd moved here for me she thought she should run it past me and that she was sorry I hadn't remembered anything..."

"Why didn't you tell her?"

"I haven't had the chance! She wouldn't speak to me yesterday or after she ran out of Bella's crying..." Wait...I had forgotten about that. What the fuck had happened in that house? I was supposed to get to the bottom of it, but it had completely slipped my mind.

Carlisle's eyebrows knitted together in concern before he stepped forward and knocked on her door. There was no answer, not even a sound emitting from the other side of the door, and he turned back to look at me.

"Go and get ready for school, Edward, I'll make sure she's okay..." And I was dismissed. Well, gee thanks. I suppressed my groan of frustration as he headed into her room and I headed back up to my room.

By the time I was out of the shower, I was grateful he was talking to her because it cleared my mind to the problems I had. I threw on my grey hoodie and a pair of jeans with my Converse before descending the stairs again.

I heard nothing as I passed Alice's door and continued walking. Emmett was in the kitchen, stuffing himself on God knows what and grunted a "morning" to me as I passed. By the time I had gulped down my water I kind of knew what I needed to do. Bella wasn't going to give me the time of day, but I sure as hell hoped that someone else would.

"Emmett, can I see your phone?" He looked at me quizzically, but was too engorged in his food, as I had hoped, to ask what I wanted it for. It took me less than a minute to flick through his contacts and find the number I needed. I thanked him before heading out to my car. Pulling my own phone out of my pocket I dialled the number and waited with my breath held until the ringing stopped.

"Jasper? It's Edward...I need your help."

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**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Awwwk man! How cute is big brother Edward?**

**But what's going on with Alice! She can't, can she?**

**And what is Jasper going to say? Ah sooo many questions...**

**Review pleaseeeee!**

**And follow me on twitter LiveInDakota**

**XX**


	17. Freefall

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Helooo again! **

**It's time to check in with our Bella to see how she's holding up! This is the first chapter where more than a few hours has passed as we find ourselves at the end of a second week of life in Forks :O**

**Not all of your questions are answered in this chapter! Especially not the most important! Don't hate me! Bella's blank text, whether Jasper helps or not and Alice's strange behaviour are all addressed so hold onto your hats! Plus there's another summer 2009 flashback in there that I hope y'all will think is just as cute as I do :)**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight but all Forget Me Not characterisations and situations are copyright of LiveInDakota 2010 :)**

**Enjoy y'all :) x**

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Chapter Seventeen: Freefall

I see lovers in the streets walking, without a care  
They wear it out loud,

Like there's something in the air  
Oh well I don't care.

They're treading lightly  
No they, don't sink in  
There's no, tracks to follow  
They, don't care where they going

And if they're lucky yeah they'll,  
They'll get to see and if they're  
Really, really lucky they'll  
Get to feel..

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones.  
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul.  
Tears your skin and makes your blood flow.  
It's better that you know, that love is hard.

Love takes hostages and gives them pain.  
Gives someone the power to, hurt you again and again  
But they don't care

And if they're lucky yeah they'll,  
They'll get to see and if they're  
Really, really lucky they'll,  
They'll get to feel.  
And if they're, they're truly blessed  
Then they'll get to believe  
And if you're dammed, you'll never  
Let yourself be deceived.

And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bones.  
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul.  
Tears your skin and makes your blood flow.  
It's better that we know,  
That love is hard.

Kicks so hard, it breaks your bones.  
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul.  
Tears your skin and makes your blood flow.  
It's better that we know..

It kicks so hard, it breaks your bones.  
It cuts so deep, it hits your soul.  
Tears your skin and makes your blood flow.  
It's better that we know,  
That love is hard..

Love is hard, love is hard  
If it was easy, it wouldn't mean nothing no.

_Love Is Hard - James Morrison_

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BPOV: Now

Jasper and Charlie were whispering frantically when I opened my bedroom door. They had been doing that a lot for the past couple of days. It was probably about me, but for once, I couldn't find it in me to care.

Jasper kept saying how worried they all were about me. I didn't give him any recognition, though. I couldb't remember the last time I spoke...I thought it was the night Carlisle had been around, and I couldn't even remember how long ago that had been.

Jazz was practically living with Charlie and me, sleeping on my floor every night and staying around all day. Charlie wasn't going to work at all. He either stayed in and watched the TV, or worked out in the backyard.

Then there was Rose - I had seen her more times over the past few days than I had in the past few weeks. Every time she walked through the door I cringed - I couldn't help it, and I knew she noticed at least half the time.

She reminded me of _her_, she was beautiful and blonde and everything I wasn't. Seeing her just made it hurt that much more. I didn't want to be reminded of what I had lost all over again.

I was getting a little better at walking around on my own. Making it to the bathroom I noticed a lull in their hushed conversation. When I clicked the door shut, they started up again in hushed voices.

I tried to tune them out as I contemplated having a shower or not. I hadn't washed my hair since Alice had been round and it disgusted me even to think about it. That little fact swayed my decision, and grabbing a fresh towel I maneuvered myself slowly under the hot water, letting it wash away the tension in my muscles.

It felt like hours later when I emerged from my room, my damp hair scraped into a messy bun at the back of my head. I had changed into a fresh pair of sweats, a black tank top and a pair of Jasper's white socks before I headed down the stairs with a book under my arm. I stopped half way down as Charlie and Jasper's conversation floated up to me.

It didn't matter to me when they were talking about me, but I heard _his_ name and it made me stop dead in my tracks, as my chest constricted under the weight it crushed me with.

"You have to let her decide, son."

"But even you know what it did to her last time...I'm not going to stand back and watch it happen again..."

"If she finds out you kept this from her she'll never forgive you, Jasper." I shivered as my dad's voice became menacing.

"So what, we let him back in just for him to walk out _again_? Third time's a charm right?" I clutched my stomach on autopilot as I registered what Jasper was saying. He thought Edward was going to leave again...but for that to happen I had to let him back in...Why did he think I would..._would I?_

"She has to know, Jasper. It's her decision to make!" I had never heard my dad so angry, especially not directed at Jasper.

"She hasn't spoken or come out of her room in three days, Charlie! Does that scream capable to make a decision to you?" I sank to the stair beneath me, wanting to hear where this conversation went. Had it really been three days? Did that mean it was Friday again already?

Tears pricked at my eyes as I remembered the events of the Friday before. Edward had climbed into my room to check on me. Before everything had gone wrong, it was one of the sweetest moments I had had in months.

"Jasper, son, I don't want to argue with you, but she's my daughter and if that's the excuse I need to pull, I will. She is getting the choice regardless of what it will do to her. I am not losing my little girl over this..."

Why would he be losing me? Maybe he thought lying to me would make me hate him...but what was there for them to be arguing over? What choice did I have to make? I didn't recall anything that could possibly make me choose anything.

"I hate him for this...I didn't think I could hate him more, but I've never been more wrong..." The tears fell, hearing the anger and disgust in my best friends tone while he talked about the guy I loved. After everything I had to admit that I still loved him.

If this past week had taught me anything, it was that no matter what happened between Edward and me, I would love him anyway. No matter how long and hard I thought about what he had done, despite not being able to get my head around it, I still came back to the conclusion that I loved him. The ache in my chest only proved how much.

"Bells?" Jasper found me crying on the stairs.

I shook my head and wiped my own tears away, refusing his hand as he made to help me up. I didn't need words when my body language told him everything he needed to know. There was no point in me hiding the fact that I had heard their argument, and when he realized it, his shoulders slumped and he shrank out of my way. I stood carefully and finished my slow descent down the remaining stairs. He reached out to grab me when I went over on my ankle, but I pulled my arm away, noticing the shock that passed over his features.

I had never pulled away from Jasper before, and I nearly felt guilty for doing it now, seeing as he had spent so much time and effort looking after me. Somehow, and I wasn't sure why, but when it came to Edward, everything made me act differently.

Charlie's eyes widened when he saw me enter the living room, but said nothing as I threw myself with a grimace down onto the sofa. I wasn't going to start talking now, I really didn't want to, so I turned my glare onto my dad, knowing he wouldn't be able to stand it for long.

"Bells, I..._we_ need to tell you something..." Jasper slowly made his way back into the room, clearly not happy with my dad's decision, and perched on the arm of the sofa at the opposite end from me.

"It's to do with Edward..." My dad looked worried as he mentioned his name, but I nodded for him to continue, taking a deep breath and biting my lip.

"He's...well, he's been hanging around all week...He really wants to see you, Bella..." I noticed Jasper's head snap up half way through Charlie's sentence and I wondered if that was really what he was going to say.

But I was distracted. I knew Edward had been here a few times - having heard his voice, rough with a lack of sleep - floating up the stairs to me, or through my open bedroom window as he stood on the porch. I had received all six of his texts, simple and short, all asking along the same lines. Could we talk? He wanted to talk to me, which wasn't surprising...maybe he wanted to apologize.

My finger had hovered over the "call" button so many times I had lost count, but I just couldn't bring myself to press it. I wanted to hear his voice, solely for me. I wanted to hear him smile - yes hear. His voice did different things when he was smiling, and I melted each and every time. I loved knowing he was happy.

I could vaguely recall the night Jasper had told me about Edward. I was curled up on my bed, my phone in my hand, willing it to ring. I was imagining how happy I would feel if I saw Edward's name flash up on the screen. He would be phoning me to make sure I was okay, to apologize for what had happened, to tell me that it was all one massive misunderstanding and that he wanted to come and see me.

I had my phone open on the message screen without really realizing what I was doing. My message was short and to the point: _Please come and see me?_ I just wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. To tell me he had remembered everything and he loved me and he was sorry. But it wasn't going to happen.

When that thought sank in, I deleted what I had written, but my hand had hit the send button by accident. If only I hadn't deleted the words. He would have been there. And I knew he would have been. I knew Edward, and even if Lauren had been real he still would have been there.

But I was afraid. What if he wanted to apologize to me, but then go on and say that he was with Lauren; that it _hadn't_ been a one-time thing, and that he was sorry for what had happened between us? What if the only reason he wanted to see me was just so he didn't feel as guilty? Jasper was right, it would crush me, and I wasn't sure I could come back from something like that.

"Bells?" I realized I had been out of it for longer than I should have been. Jasper was now sitting on the coffee table in front of me, and Charlie was watching me warily. I was about to speak, knowing I had to use words for my next question, when the doorbell rang.

What if that was him? What if I didn't have to decide at all and someone else had done it for me? If it was Edward at the door, I vowed that this time I would give him the time of day. I would hear what he had to say no matter how it hurt. I needed to see him again. It was like being deprived of water, I _needed_ him.

Jasper stood with a sigh and headed in the direction of the door, my eyes on his back the entire way. I didn't realize I was holding my breath until it all whooshed out when the door swung open. Rosalie. Just fucking great.

My eyes narrowed almost of their own violation as she ducked in through the door out of the cold. I tried; I really did, knowing Rosalie had done nothing wrong. She just reminded me of _her_, and she was the last thing I wanted to think about.

"Ah, Bella, you look like you've cheered up." She rolled her eyes at me as she wandered into the front room, not paying the least bit of attention to my cold attitude.

"Charlie, can we talk?" My dad looked stunned before he covered his reaction and stood from his chair. He nodded at her before following her out of the room and into the kitchen.

I grabbed the remote and flicked the channel over onto the news, trying my hardest to ignore Jasper, whose attention was solely on me. Charlie's voice was rising steadily from the kitchen, but it didn't reach the point where I could hear what was going on. Why was everyone hiding things from me?

**Then: Summer 2009**

_"I'm not lying!" He laughed at the incredulous look on my face and held his hands up in surrender. "Bella, I swear!" He laughed again and pulled me into his arms when he noticed I didn't believe him. _

_I melted against his solid chest, trying to bury my face into the soft fabric of his jumper without him noticing. I breathed in deeply, never having enough of his scent at any one time._

_"I'm sorry." I mumbled my apology into his jumper and squeezed myself closer to his body._

_"Are you going to tell me why this is bothering you so much?" His voice had lost all humour as he pulled back gently. He was looking at me, but I only looked up to him when his finger raised my chin. "Bella..." The way he breathed my name had my knees buckling from under me, and I lost all thought as to why I had been annoyed in the first place. What had we even been talking about?_

_"Did you see her?" The second my memory came back to me I blurted out my question without even thinking about it. When he chuckled again, the scowl shot straight back onto my face. "I'm not being funny, Edward!" _

"_Okay, yeah sorry, I know, but your adorable when you're mad." He smirked before taking my hand and weaving his fingers through mine._

_"You're not making things better for yourself..." I pulled my hand back and crossed my arms over my chest in a huff. I knew it was immature, but he was laughing at something that had hurt and confused me._

_"Okay, I'm sorry...but I won't know what's wrong until you tell me, Bella..." _

_"You couldn't possibly guess what's wrong with me after witnessing someone who resembles a supermodel throw herself at you in front of me?" My voice rose steadily and my arm even waved around as tears started to prick at the back of my eyes._

_I watched as the expression on Edward's face ranged in possibilities. He started off concerned, morphed to confusion, then incredulity, and then settled on disbelief and something near anger. The last ones didn't make sense. Why was he angry at me? I was the one angry at him._

_"Are you serious?" His left eyebrow flew up in disbelief. His attitude was annoying me beyond reason, and I'd had enough of it all of a sudden. I didn't even realize that was possible._

_"D'you know what? I'm just gonna go...I don't know why I'm bothering..." I kind of hoped he'd say something, but he just stood still as I left the kitchen and headed into the hall to get my bag._

_I gasped in surprise, having not heard him approach behind and grab my arm and spun me back round to look at him. His eyes were darker than I'd ever seen them, and I was suddenly afraid that he was so angry with me. I'd seen his temper once and it had terrified me. I didn't want it directed at me._

_As I flinched back, taking a miniscule step to put more distance between us, something changed in his expression. Had he seen the fear in my eyes? His whole tense posture softened immediately and he sighed as the air left his lungs._

_"I'm sorry. I don't want you to be afraid of me, Bella. I would never hurt you." His voice sounded so sincere that something tugged painfully in my chest. I knew it was true._

_"I didn't mean to make you angry...but you asked..." I shrugged, my voice small._

_"I'm not angry at you, Bella. I'm angry at how she made you feel..." My brows furrowed together and I watched as he shoved his hand through his hair, tugging it from the roots._

_"You asked me if I saw her?" I nodded my head, wondering what he was asking that for. "Then, no is your answer." _

_I opened my mouth to speak, but he pressed his finger to my lips, causing my skin to blush. I had never been in a relationship before, I didn't know how these things worked, and I had no idea what he was going to say. He let his finger drop and his hand fell to mine, where he once again weaved our fingers together, tugging me a tiny bit closer to him._

_"I know we haven't labeled this..." He used his other hand to gesture between us and I felt my breath catch at the back of my throat. "But I don't notice anything but you...If it had been you all over me I would have been the luckiest guy alive...not that I'm asking you...or making you feel we need to take another step or...fuck..." His hand tugged through his hair again and it was at times like these I wondered how he had any left. I waited patiently for him to compose himself._

_"I don't know how to say this, Bella…Sure she was beautiful, I guess." I couldn't stop the snort that burst out of me, and was mortified at the sound._

_"No, Bella, I'm serious. You don't see yourself clearly at all." Before I could respond he had pulled me into him again._

_His arms wound around me, keeping me secure as he lowered his head to mine. Capturing my lips in a sweet chaste kiss wasn't enough, though. We hadn't kissed since the day before in the coffee shop, but I needed more. The taste of him was all I had thought about all night, and now that I had the opportunity, I wasn't passing it up._

_I shook my head as he tried to pull away, grabbing a fist full of his jumper and pulling him closer. His lips slanted over mine, applying just the right amount of pressure and seeking just the right amount back._

_I had never made-out or kissed someone before, but I was sure in that moment that nothing could ever compare. There was some sort of pull between Edward and me, a need to always be together, a need for me to always be closer._

_His kisses set me on fire, his touches leaving trails of blazing heat in their wake. There was nothing in the world that could compare to the way he made me feel._

_He dipped his tongue into my mouth and as the taste of him rose in concentration, I moaned. I should have been embarrassed by the noise that broke through the otherwise silent room, but it felt so natural and good._

_When my lack of oxygen started to make my lungs burn in pain, I pulled back. I didn't open my eyes, not wanting to break the spell I was under, wanting to stay that way forever. Edward's cool head rested against mine and his arms tightened their hold around me._

_"Do you feel that, Bella?" I nodded my head, hoping he was talking about the same pull I had been thinking about._

_"I can't put that in words, but you have to believe me when I say I've never felt that before. No one can match up to you, Bella." _

_The tears that had been threatening finally fell from my eyes, but for once they were happy tears._

_"Hey, no, why are you crying?" His warm hands cradled my face as his thumbs brushed away my tears. "Bella, look at me?" I had completely forgotten I still had my eyes tightly shut, and I opened them slowly, and was met with Edward's intense green gaze. Staring at me like that made me feel like he could see through everything I was thinking and feeling._

_"I'm here with you because I want to be, I don't want her...or anyone else, okay? I'll prove it every day if I have to, but this isn't something I want to give up..." His eyes were searching mine, begging for me to believe him. _

_How could I not? There was nothing but sincerity and something deeper that I had no name for, pouring out of him; in his touch, his gaze, and his words._

_"I'm sorry..." I blushed, feeling immature and silly after his confession._

_"What for?" Oh God, he sounded like my mom, always asking why I was sorry so that I knew what I had done wrong._

_"Edward, don't. I feel so stupid right now." My face only heated more at my admission, and I heard him chuckle softly as he felt it under his fingertips._

_"Will you get mad at me again if I say you're adorable?"_

_"Yes, because it just reminds me that I'm younger than you and probably acting really immature right now." I didn't know where I was getting the sudden nerve to speak my mind, but Edward groaned in frustration, the sound ricocheting through me in the best possible way. _

_"Bella, stop! Every time you put yourself down you're putting this down...can't you see that?" I chewed my bottom lip wondering if what he said was true. "Why isn't this enough?" His question literally broke my heart, if that was what the sudden clench in my chest was. Couldn't he see how off base he was?_

_"Shh, Edward!" I turned my head in his hands and pressed my lips to the center of his palm, needing some kind of intimate contact. "I'm insecure, I guess we've already covered that, but it's something I need to work on. It has nothing on what this is like for me. You...I can't even say it...but you're better than anything I could have ever dreamed up..." I smiled at him but his gaze didn't change. He was just standing there looking at me, and as the seconds ticked by, I became increasingly nervous. Had I said too much? What had I done?_

_"For the past ten days I've thought you were too good for me, you just proved me right," he answered. _

_He smiled, but it was almost sad. This wasn't supposed to go this way, I had to fix this. So I did the only thing I could imagine working. What he had done to me._

_I raised myself up onto my tiptoes, wound my arms around his tanned neck and brought myself ever closer to him, where I never wanted to leave. He was still looking at me when I pressed my lips to his, but it didn't take long for him to respond, his grip on my head increasing as he set our pace._

_Even though I had initiated it, I had nothing against him taking charge. Kissing Edward was the most heart-racing thing I had ever done in my life. The adrenaline-like feeling that coursed through my veins was like nothing I could imagine. It left me weak and gasping for air every time._

_All too soon, Edward pulled away. He never let it go too far, and I tried not to feel too disappointed that he wouldn't just let go. This time, however, his lips trailed a scorching path across my jaw to my ear, where his mouth stayed, kissing on the soft spot just below my ear, making me shiver uncontrollably._

_"Will you be my girlfriend, Bella Swan?" He breathed it softly into my ear, his breath whispering through my hair and chilling the goosebumps that had risen on my skin. My knees did buckle this time, and he chuckled softly as his grasp around my body increased to keep me from toppling over._

_I had no words that would do justice for the moment so I pulled back sharply, attacking him with all I had. My desperation would be enough to get my message across, and I prayed that this would be the one time he would let his guard down just a little bit more and let me in further._

**~FMN~**

I smiled despite the circumstances I was in as I remembered more about our summer together. That was the kind of conversation we both needed right now, but if he wasn't here then it couldn't happen. I didn't want to do it over the phone, this sort of talk needed to be done face to face.

As I sat - perched on the sofa - I devised my plan. Instead of phoning and asking him to come around, I was going to go round to his. It was only a twenty-minute walk at the most to his house, and it wasn't too cold out.

I needed the exercise. Carlisle had told Charlie on the phone that I should be walking more to build up my strength again, as long as I did nothing else. So I would walk. Taking my truck would make too much noise and I wanted to do this without Charlie, Rose or Jasper knowing or helping.

I decided to wait until Rose had gone home and it was late. I had no idea how to sneak out of the house, but I could tell them at least a half truth. I was going out to the swing between our house and the Whitlock's? That sounded plausible enough. There were no windows on that side of the house, so they wouldn't see me anyway.

I could just say I wanted the fresh air and the time alone. I wouldn't be far, and I wouldn't be in any danger. All I had to do was keep walking. Edward's house was on our side of town, all I had to do was walk down the side of the highway until I reached their driveway.

But then I would have to walk their driveway. This clearly wasn't a good plan.

I slumped lower into the cushions when I realized I couldn't do it. I would do myself more damage than I needed to. It crossed my mind of just asking someone to take me, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do it. I needed to do it alone.

There was Renee's car. The keys were sitting in the dish on the table in the hall. Her car was quiet enough that I could get out of the driveway and down the road without anyone noticing.

Could I drive though? I knew how painful it was to walk, but driving was another thing entirely.

But it was Edward. If it meant seeing him again, talking to him, just being near him, then I would do it. And so my plan was devised. Charlie and Jasper would no doubt be watching some game tonight once Rose had left, so I could tell them my "swing" story, grab the keys and go to Edward's. All I could do was hope that he was in.

Charlie re-entered the room, worrying his bottom lip, much like I did, before Rose followed him silently. Changing my game plan, I nodded at her when she looked at me, and she smiled sweetly as she realized I was no longer glaring at her.

"Right, well I have a date tonight, so I better go, it's getting late." I looked straight to the clock to see that it was nearing six o'clock. How long had I been asleep?

"Who's the poor sucker, Rose?" Jasper chuckled, but as she blushed, I had an idea who it was already.

"Emmett."

Three pairs of shocked eyes flicked to me as I finally found my voice before Rose nodded with a small smile on her face. I smiled genuinely in return, picturing Emmett and his oaf like qualities being sweet on a date with Rose. They looked like the perfect couple in my head, and I hoped it would be the same in real life.

She headed for the door not long after and Charlie turned the sound up on the TV. I listened as intently as I could, but over the volume, I couldn't detect the sound of an engine and sighed in relief, thinking my plan might actually work.

Jasper made us all dinner as I stayed in my position while Charlie watched ESPN. I was right when I guessed about a game because Charlie asked Jasper if he was staying for it.

Dinner wasn't much - pasta and bread - but it raised my strength as I let it digest in my system. They both thought I was interested in what they were watching, but I couldn't have told you a thing about it. Not even what sport they were watching.

When the clock struck nine, I knew I couldn't leave it any later. I would freeze if I stayed out too long now that it was so late. I took a trip to the kitchen to calm my nerves, knowing I was really bad at lying. This was never going to work.

"I need some fresh air. I'll be out on the swing if you want me, Dad." Both guys turned to look at me.

"I can come..." Jasper started.

"No! I want to be alone for a while. I'll come back in before I get too cold." Charlie nodded finally, and I released the breath I had been holding. When my eyes landed on Jasper, they were full of concern and hurt. He wasn't used to me passing his offers up; I had always wanted him with me.

I grabbed my hoodie from the back of the sofa and shoved my arms into it.

My hands were shaking as I went to pick up the car keys, causing me to stop and take a deep breath before I tried again. Shaking hands would only cause them to make more noise. I breathed a sigh of relief as I managed to get them into my pocket with minimal noise, and felt a load off my shoulders as I stepped through the door and closed it behind me.

I prayed to whoever was listening that neither Jasper nor my dad were standing at the window as I made my way to my mother's car - my trembling increasing the closer I got to my goal.

I cringed as the door clunked open before clambering in as quickly as possible and shutting it softly. It took me less than ten seconds to get my seat belt on, the key in the ignition and the car in gear. With one more deep breath, I backed the car out of the driveway and turned onto the road facing Jasper's house.

As I looked back, there was no movement at the window or the door, and I smiled at the fact I had gotten away with it. Seemed like my luck was holding out, and I only hoped that it would hold out long enough to give me some good news from Edward.

I found that driving wasn't as uncomfortable as I would have imagined. I pulled over on the opposite side of Jasper's house to adjust the seat and mirrors so that my legs wouldn't have to stretch as far before I was on my way again.

The streetlights blurred past me even though I wasn't driving fast, my thoughts pre-occupied. I had thought through this far, but I hadn't imagined what I was going to say to him once I got there. If he was even home.

My hands were shaking again as I flicked the indicator on. I watched as a truck came my way and flew past me before I turned onto their driveway. It seemed almost scary in the dark, looking like a hole in the tree line that shouldn't really be there.

My lights hit everything as I rolled slowly down the uneven track, knowing that Esme hadn't been able to get the landscapers out yet to make it a proper driveway - Carlisle had told Charlie who had mentioned it in passing.

Moments later, I rolled to a stop in front of the white mansion, shaking like a leaf and determined to not get out of the car. I had come this far and now I was too terrified to go anywhere else. Shaking my head at my antics, I grabbed my phone and brought up Edward's number.

_Are you at home? – B_

I watched the house for some sort of sign, which made no sense really. I clutched my phone tightly in my hand as my eyes stayed locked on the front door.

When five minutes passed, my hand reached for the car door and I flipped it, stepping out into the cold January air. I shoved my phone into my pocket, reasoning with myself that I would still feel it vibrate before I leaned back against the side of my car.

I was watching two leaves chase each other across the ground not ten feet from me when light suddenly spilled across the front oval. When I looked up I realized it had appeared because the front door was open.

When it closed again I was thrown into the dark once more, the light of the moon bathing us in pale white. Edward looked ethereal as he walked slowly across to me. His skin was paper white in the light and there were dark purple circles under his eyes.

His hands were shoved deep into his jeans and he was taking slow, deliberate steps towards me, as if he didn't want to scare me off. As he got closer, my eyes took in his whole appearance. He was wearing the same clothes he had on the Friday before, and I almost laughed at the thought of him having an outfit for each day of the week. Almost.

"Bella?" It was almost as if he didn't think I was real, that I wasn't standing in the freezing cold outside his house with a car that wasn't mine, a week after having major surgery. Yeah, I wouldn't really believe it either.

He stopped a few feet in front of me, his posture defeated as he looked me over. His eyes appraised me from top-to-toe, but not in a way that was inappropriate - it was like he was checking for damage. He knew I was fine, he had seen me since I got out of the hospital.

"Yes."

_Why was he saying yes? Had I asked him a question?_

"You asked if I was home, I am."

Something in his tone made me think that he meant more than what I took from his statement, but I couldn't figure it out. Or I didn't want to.

"So I see..." My voice was quiet and scratchy from lack of use. The air around us was thick with tension, and for the first time since we had met, things were uncomfortable.

"I sneaked out..." I laughed for the first time because it finally sank in. All the trouble I had gone through to get there. When did Bella Swan ever sneak out?

"Why?"

"Because I haven't had a minute alone all week and I needed to do this by myself..." I bit my lip, refusing to look at him.

"I know...the first bit I mean..." He knew because he'd been around.

"You came round..." It wasn't a question. Things were going slowly, but at least we were talking and I hadn't had the urge to attack him yet. In the good sense or the bad.

"Every day." Had he been there every day? That would mean he was there today. "You were asleep when I came round this morning." He answered my unspoken question and added fuel to the rest of them.

"Why?"

"Because I had to check on you..."

I fought the way my lip wanted to curl up. He hadn't covered up how he felt like he had the Friday before. This was good, or better at least.

"Why did you have to do this alone?" He threw my question back at me, but I was ready for it. I could do this.

"I needed to prove I was strong enough."

I saw him nod his head infinitesimally.

"Does Jasper know you're here?" Why was he bringing up Jasper? I shook my head and he sighed, peaking my confusion.

"Why?"

"Because I asked for his help," he answered. I turned my head to look at him and furrowed my eyebrows together. "To talk to you...I had no other way of getting you to listen to me, but you're here anyway..." There was something not unlike awe in his voice and he had me caught. Even in the dark his eyes were intense and holding me to him.

"Did he tell you?"

I knew he wasn't talking about what had caused this so I shook my head.

"I haven't spoken to him since Tuesday."

I watched as his jaw went slack and his eyes burned with anger.

"We need to talk."

I was about to argue when he stepped closer to me, probably to take me inside, but a mark along his jaw caught my attention and I gasped.

"Edward, what happened to your face?" Even though he was sporting a five o'clock shadow, I could still see the outline of a yellowing bruise just above his jaw line.

I looked back up to his eyes when he laughed lightly, liking the sound far more than I should have.

"You."

My eyes widened in surprise at his answer. I had done that? But it had been a week since I had hit him and nothing had been there when he was in the hospital with me. Seeing my confusion, he answered again.

"I guess I take a while to bruise."

I heard his breathing stop completely when I raised my hand to his face, tracing my fingers along the colored skin, shivering at the texture of his scruff on my fingertips.

"I kind of liked it." He shrugged, and I looked at him incredulously. "It reminded me of you...It tied me to you somehow when I knew I wasn't going to see you again...It was all I had..." The pain in his voice startled me, and I pulled back, not sure how to react. I wanted to throw my arms around him and bring him close, but it wasn't appropriate and it would do me no good.

"Can I get you inside? You'll freeze out here."

I nodded my head. He offered me his hand and I looked at it, warring with myself. Seeing the conflict on my face, he pulled it back, stuffing it in his pocket before turning and heading for the front door.

The warmth inside his house enveloped me the second the door was closed, and I shivered in delight, feeling the last of the cold melt away from me.

Beethoven's Piano Sonata was floating through the air of the open-plan ground floor from the sound system on the opposite side of the room. Edward could play this piece. I had heard him play it before. It was hauntingly beautiful and hauntingly appropriate at the same time.

It hadn't dawned on me until I was heading for the sofa that we wouldn't be alone in this big house. I didn't want an audience for this, no one else needed to see me break down when he told me what I already knew.

"Edward, are Carlisle and Esme in?" The look on his face told me he wondered why I didn't just call them his parents, but there was something there that told me he was halfway to working it out.

I had missed three days. How many flashbacks and memories had I missed? What did he know now that he didn't know a week ago?

"Everyone is out. Emmett has a date with Rosalie, and Alice went with my parents to the estate agent..." I nodded at the first part, already knowing they had plans, but I was brought up short by the end of his explanation.

With my heart beating frantically in my chest, I asked the question I hadn't planned and knew I didn't want the answer to. "Why are they at an estate agent? What's happening?"

Edward looked as if he had only just remembered I didn't know. Had Jasper known this? Is this what they had been arguing over earlier? The thing Charlie wanted me to know and choose over.

Edward was moving. His family were leaving Forks. My breathing came in short gasps and everything went fuzzy as my knees hit the soft rug below me. Now was not the time for a panic attack, but I couldn't exactly plan them.

Edward was leaving me again.

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**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Soooo! Another cliffie! I'm getting too used to using them I'm afraid :P**

**Please don't hate me too much I really don't like it when you do :P**

**Please review and let me know what y'all think, cause it's uber important to the shaping of chapter 18!**

**Follow me on twitter - LiveInDakota**

**xx**


	18. Talk This Out

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Ahhhhh! It's finally here! The answer y'all want sooooo badly :) **

**I want to apologize to any reviewers I haven't got back to, it was Prom last night and the past few days have been hectic to say the least! I can promise that everything's back to normal now though :) CLASS OF 2010! I'm gonna miss it really :/**

**Anyways! There's an EPOV coming? How much do y'all love me now...**

**Note: I have a blog now! It's nothing without you guys checking it out so head on over please... :)**

**Enjoy! xxxx  
**

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Chapter Eighteen: Talk This Out

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing  
Watch you smile while you are sleeping  
While you're far away and dreaming  
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender  
I could stay lost in this moment forever  
Well, every moment spent with you  
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, baby  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream would never do  
I'd still miss you, baby  
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you  
Feeling your heart beating  
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming  
Wondering if it's me you're seeing  
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together  
And I just wanna stay with you  
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, baby  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream would never do  
I'd still miss you, baby  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
I don't wanna miss one smile  
I don't wanna miss one kiss

Well, I just wanna be with you  
Right here with you, just like this  
I just wanna hold you close  
Feel your heart so close to mine  
And just stay here in this moment  
For all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes  
Don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, baby  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream would never do  
'Cause I'd still miss you, baby  
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you, baby  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
'Cause even when I dream of you  
The sweetest dream would never do  
I'd still miss you, baby  
And I don't wanna miss a thing  
Don't wanna close my eyes  
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah  
I don't wanna miss a thing  
I don't wanna miss a thing

_Don't Wanna Miss A Thing - Aerosmith_

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BPOV: Now

Strong arms were around me quicker than I thought possible as my knees sank into the depth of the rich rug below me. In the recesses of my mind, I registered his soft touch and his unwavering warmth - the sensations taking me to another time and place.

One where I was happier. Unbelieving of the things I had been gifted with and the time I had spent with someone so protective and caring of me. The thoughts of the way Edward had held me, made love to me, even looked at me, were what brought me out of the haze my panic attack had settled over me.

My breathing settled somewhat as I calmed myself down.

_Fuck, how dramatic did I have to be? _

Was it wrong to be thankful for a panic attack? It had gotten me to the one place I had craved for days but was too afraid to find. I was in Edward's arms, surrounded by warmth and security. I felt loved for the few seconds it took me to remember why I was in this position in the first place.

Pulling back, I looked anywhere but at his face. I couldn't look into his eyes; I knew that if I did I would lose the nerve I had built up. We needed to talk. I would no doubt throw myself at him and beg him to make me forget if I gave myself the chance.

No, there was no way I could let myself get into that situation. Sex only complicated things, and as far as Edward was aware, we had only known each other for eleven days.

"Breathe, Bella..." His voice floated through to me, and I realized it was what he had been murmuring to me all along. I nearly laughed at the irony. He used to tell me to breathe because he knew the effect he was having on me...I may or may not have forgotten to breathe a couple of times while he was kissing me.

"I'm sorry..."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Bella."

I finally looked up at the boy of my dreams and sucked in a ragged breath. Was it possible that he looked worse than me?

In the light of the Cullens' living room, I drank in his appearance, having been denied it for too long. The dark shadows under his eyes were more pronounced than I had ever seen them. The five o'clock shadow, although sexy, meant he hadn't shaved in days. His hair was flattened to his head, no amount of pulling at it making it stand up. He looked like he had no life left in him, defeated.

He was sitting close enough to touch, so, of course, I did. In that moment, having just been held by him, I wanted some sort of contact. Yes, we had so much to talk about and too much hurt between us for anything to happen, but I craved it more than anything in the world.

I reached my fingers out and brushed them gently under his eyes, over the dark circles beneath them. I heard his breath hitch before he released it, bathing me in it and I closed my eyes.

"I haven't exactly slept..."

I opened them again, caught immediately in his gaze. He was willing me to ask him, begging me with his eyes. This was where our conversation started.

"Why?"

"Because I was worried about you..." He raised his hand and weaved his fingers through mine. I could tell he was unsure about how I would react, but I didn't flinch. He lowered our hands to the floor space between us and my eyes followed them, not capable of holding his intense gaze. I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts into some sort of order when he spoke up again.

"I might understand if the next words you say are 'I can't,' but we need to talk, Bella."

I nodded because I knew he was right. But that didn't mean I wanted to. Could I do this?

"I don't think I'm strong enough." I wasn't sure he heard me, my voice was so small, but he squeezed my hand gently, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles.

"You're one of the strongest people I've ever met...What are you afraid of?"

Was he seriously asking me why I was scared? Did he honestly think that sleeping with Lauren would do nothing to me?

"You, Edward...I'm terrified of you...of what you're going to say to me...of hearing her name...of walking out of here and never coming back..." I steeled myself and looked back up to him. Surprise washed across my face at the pain contorted across Edward's features.

"I don't want you to leave, and we need to talk about this...shit!" The house phone started ringing before we could go any further, and with reluctance on both sides, he freed our hands, stood and walked to answer it.

I can do this. I can do this. I have to do this. We both need to do this.

My mantra continued in my head as Edward's voice floated from the kitchen in harsh tones. Whomever he was talking to was enduring the most of his frustration. What if it was Lauren and he was having to blow her off for me?

That stray thought made me ill. Shaking my head, I stood and waited to regain my equilibrium. As I looked around the space I was in, two things caught my attention. The first was a decanter of golden liquid on a tray at the bar in the corner. Yes, the Cullen's had a bar. And the second was Edward's sketchbook, thrown haphazardly on the sofa.

Had he been drawing when I pulled up?

What surprised me most was that the alcohol was calling to me more urgently. I had no pull to flick through Edward's sketches, mostly afraid of what I would find. So instead, I hobbled myself over to the bar and stood staring at the welcoming glass bottle.

Lifting the glass stopper, I sniffed it, finding it was most definitely scotch. Thoughts of the fuzziness I had felt the last time I had encountered a bottle of Johnny Walker floated over me, and the pull I had felt to it intensified.

Suddenly ridiculously warm, I grabbed the zip on my hoodie and pulled. I slouched out of the thin cotton and threw it onto the sofa behind me, noting with irony when it landed atop Edward's sketchbook. Out of sight, out of mind.

All other thoughts left me as I picked up the heavy glass bottle and set it to one side. I picked up a glass tumbler from the same tray, turned it right side up, and proceeded to pour myself some courage.

EPOV

I huffed almost petulantly when the phone rang. Why did it have to be at the least opportune moment? We needed to get this out of our system. We both had things we needed to explain so that we could hopefully move on – and then the fucking phone rings. I was just about to ask her what had brought on her panic attack, hoping it was an answer that could help with our entire conversation. Fucking usual.

"What?" I barked into the phone, not even caring who was on the receiving end.

"Hell, Edward, what's wrong with you?" Carlisle was clearly worn out already if he was talking like that, and I was immediately apologetic.

"Sorry, bad time, what's going on?" He sighed on the other end and I heard bickering voices behind him. Guess Esme and Alice weren't seeing eye-to-eye.

"Nothing...I think that's the problem. Do we really think this is a good idea, son?" I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"No...I think I kind of want to stay here..." Even when Bella wanted nothing to do with me. I was going to fight for her, though. I didn't know if she was ever technically mine, but I was sure I would do anything to get her back, get us back the way we were at the weekend.

"How's Bella?"

"She's here actually. You kind of interrupted the start of the big talk..."

"Sorry, son." I smiled as he chuckled before I heard Bella moving around in the living room.

"Let Alice do this...maybe she'll get it out of her system?" No I wasn't really sure either, but I really didn't want to move. I was growing fond of this God-forsaken place, who knew?

"Right, well wish us luck. We won't be home for a good few hours yet..."

"Should be enough time to convince her I'm not a raving lunatic then...here's hoping!" We both laughed lightly and I smiled, liking this newfound understanding between us.

"Once she knows the truth, Edward, I have a feeling it won't be too difficult..." If only he was one hundred percent sure.

I laughed as I heard Alice's petulant tone at the other end of the phone before I said goodbye. I took a few minutes after I had hung up to collect myself and gather some courage. It was now or never.

When I walked back into the living room, I was confused by what I saw. Bella was standing with her back to me, rocking back and forward on her heels and staring a hole in the wall. She was holding something, too, and it wasn't until she turned at the sound of my approach that my eyes zeroed in on the scotch in her hand.

"Bella?" She was biting her lip and rocking again, agitated and scared. I could read the apprehension in her eyes from across the room. When she looked back to the glass, something in me snapped.

"You can't drink that." My tone turned deadly, but she only narrowed her eyes at me.

"Don't tell me what I can't do, Edward...If I want to drink myself to sleep then I will."

My eyes widened at her admission and I raked my right hand through my hair. This was not how this was supposed to go. The anger that had risen stealthily in me snapped completely when she lifted the glass to her lips and took a gulp larger than normal. She didn't even fucking splutter or cough as the rich liquid slid down her throat.

"Fuck, Bella! What is with the self-destruct mode? You've nearly drank yourself into a coma already this week! I'm not letting you do it again!" This was some seriously fucked up shit, so of course, being as subtle as I am; I fucking shouted it at her.

She mumbled something at me as she slammed the glass back down on the bar. She turned and headed across the open floor, but I'd had enough of the avoidance. We were talking this through, right here and right now.

"Bella. stop!" But she didn't go the direction I was anticipating. Instead of heading out the door, she headed for the stairs and started climbing them. I reached out and grabbed her arm when I got close enough and turned her to face me, simultaneously ensuring that she didn't topple down them. Where the fuck was she going anyway?

"We need to talk about this!" She shook her head, narrowing her eyes at me. "Where are you going anyway?" She looked around her as if just realizing where she was. As she did, I remembered my dad saying something about her not climbing stairs. Was a week too little time? I was back to fucking worrying incessantly over her.

"What is wrong here, Bella? I need to fucking know!" I knew I swore a lot, but I hoped Bella knew I wasn't particularly angry with her. It was just the way I was.

"You!" That was the second time she had answered me with that. She tried to slap my hand away, but it was her words that stung, not her actions. Being scared of me was one thing, but telling me I was the problem in all this somehow seemed so much more significant.

I took a step back, staring at her as I tried to figure out exactly what she meant. It had obviously been too much to hope that she felt the same way I did. I mean, I knew it was only a fucking week, but there was something there. I thought she had felt it too.

"Fuck, Bella, I don't even fucking know here! You're giving me fucking whiplash with all the fucking mood swings. First, we can't be friends at all, then that's what you need, then we're something even more and now I'm the fucking cause of all your problems? That's one way to tell me fuck off. You can leave now if you want..." I turned, noting with apprehension that her eyes were widened in shock, and headed back to the kitchen.

"Edward, stop!" I didn't know what I had been expecting, but anger wasn't it. "How can you be so cold?" Well fuck, that stumped me. I turned, finding that I wasn't as far from her as I thought, I had barely taken two steps.

"Cold? Bella, I'm fucking confused here! I've been checking on you all fucking week to make sure you were okay! If I was so cold why the fuck would I be worrying about you twenty-four hours a day?"

Her face fell back into one that I couldn't read. Like she was completely void. She seemed like she had shut down altogether, so I changed our direction of conversation.

"Why are you drinking?"

"All this..." She waved her hands around her as if to make her point, and I reached for her as she wavered on the spot. Her small voice died in her throat as her eyes went straight to where my hand had connected with her arm. My patience grew thinner as I watched her. Her breathing was becoming shallow, but she didn't lift her eyes from the contact, where I had somehow started drawing circles on her forearm.

"I needed the numbness...I can't be alone again..."

Her vulnerability broke my heart, and I felt like screaming at her that the only thing I wanted was to be hers, but something held me back once again. I watched, suddenly nervous as she tried to find the words.

"Jake is a good friend, but I need to get away from it all, so I drink." I cringed. This was not what I wanted to hear. It was clear she had known Jake long before I came along, and she'd been drinking that long too.

I started to pull away, but she gripped the collar of my jumper and tried to hold me in my place, coming down a step as the force of my body moved her.

I looked up, surprised, as she growled in anger and frustration. All I could do was watch with concern as she visibly pulled away, back into her shell.

"I want you...only ever been you. But I can't have you, so Jake was the next best thing. I know it's wrong, but I need someone to need me, want me. I need someone to be there, Edward, and when there isn't, I drink."

The colour drained from her face and she looked at me in fear as if she had said too much, but how the fuck was that saying too much? That was pretty much all the fuck I had wanted to hear for eleven fucking days. Crazy I know. She did just say she wanted me, right? Fuck, I was just standing staring at her.

"Bella..." Her name came out as a sigh. What the fuck was I supposed to say? Someone should have written me a fucking script for this moment.

"_I'm in love with you and I never want to let you go?"_

"_It causes me physical pain when I think of you with Jacob or whenever someone mentions the fucker's name?"_

"Shit, no! Forget I said anything!" she squeaked suddenly.

Her blush attacked her chest and face, telling me she was embarrassed beyond belief. I let her arm go when she wriggled out of my grasp, simply because my mind was still trying to process what she had just told me. I got angry that she was rejecting one of the best fucking things I had heard in months.

"Fuck, don't walk away from me again!" She yelped in surprise when I grabbed her thin waist and brought her back to the stair where she was level with me.

My hands skimmed the smooth skin between her sweats and her top as I gradually turned her body to me.

I had to battle the elation that washed over me that she didn't try to fight me off.

"Edward, don't." Her voice sounded so panicked that I felt rejection wash over me. But then I reasoned with myself - she was the one who had spoken up. She was panicking for some other reason. As I felt the panic set in myself, I buried my face in her hair so that she wouldn't see my mini freak out.

"Why?" I whispered it in her ear and felt her shiver from top-to-toe in response, which in turn made me feel fucking good. That, on top of her smell, had me battling with myself for control.

"We can't, it's not good for..." She trailed off and I pulled my head back to look at her.

"Not good for who, Bella? Me? You? Jake? Charlie? Who the fuck cares?" She sighed and visibly deflated at the same time, causing my heart to skip as I realized I could actually be winning this debate.

"I'm sick of wondering...Edward, kiss me?" She didn't have to fucking ask me twice.

I crushed my lips to hers and groaned immediately at the contact.

Kissing Bella was better than anything I could conjure - her lips were always so fucking warm and soft and molded to mine perfectly. This girl was fucking made for me. Her body melted into mine, and I weaved my arms around her waist to keep her as close as I could. I fleetingly worried about the fact that we should have been talking, but when her tongue met my bottom lip, I immediately gave her entrance and moaned again as her tongue met mine.

She tasted fucking phenomenal and I did a fucking happy dance inside at the fact that I was kissing Bella again. Her hands wound into my hair at the nape of my neck, and her fingernails scraped along my scalp. I should have been embarrassed by the constant groans I was letting out, but when she moaned softly, I worried no longer.

"Edward, stop."

My heart plummeted once again as Bella's small hands pushed lightly at my chest.

Her face was flushed and it had never looked fucking sexier. When she bit her lip, I had to do all I could from attacking her again. Instead, I lifted my thumb to her lip and brushed it across so that she would stop her nervous habit.

"Why me?"

What the fuck? Why the hell was she asking me that?

"Fuck, I don't know."

I knew it was the wrong answer the second it crossed my lips, and I panicked as her face fell. She brushed past me and padded hurriedly into the kitchen.

I could have sworn she was nearly fucking crying. How many fucking times had I made this amazing girl cry since I had gotten here?

"Bella, shit, that came out wrong!" She turned to me from the sink and I almost cowered from the strength of her gaze. Shit, fighting Bella was out for a fucking outing.

"Really? Looked like it was pretty natural to me, Edward! This was a mistake, I'm leaving..." My jaw went slack and I swear my heart stopped beating altogether. When I didn't move to let her passed, I saw the emotions flashing across Bella's face as she tried to decide what to do.

"I'm not going to let you do to me what you did to Lauren! So get the fuck out of my way. I don't want you anywhere near me anymore!"

Wait, what? What the fuck did Lauren have to do with me kissing her?

"What the fuck are you talking about, Bella? I did fuck all to Lauren! I barely even fucking talk to the girl!" My temper was rising quickly and I knew it, but fuck if she was leaving before we got to the bottom of this.

"Oh, what so you just fucked her instead?" I blanched at her language, knowing she was beyond pissed at me if she was talking like that. Where the hell was she getting this shit from?

"Bella, I wouldn't touch her with a fucking ten foot pole! What the fuck is going on?" I saw something cross her face that looked like confusion. Why the hell was she confused?

I took a step closer to her, but when she tried to nearly fucking melt into the cabinet behind her, I stayed where I was.

"Bella, please? Why do you think I slept with Lauren? You told me to stay away from her, remember?" My voice was softer all of a sudden, and I wasn't surprised to see the shock on Bella's face.

When had I ever managed to tame my own fucking temper? The fact that I was chanting "don't hurt Bella" round and round in my head helped. A lot. I was not going to hurt Bella. She had clearly been bowled by it because she was completely distracted from the Lauren shit.

"You...how did you just do that?" Her voice was full of wonder as if she was five and I had just done a fucking magic trick in front of her.

"You..." It was the only fucking answer I had to most things in my life at the moment and it was about time she fucking knew it. "Ask me anything, Bells...the answer is always going to be the same..."

She looked shocked once again that I was being so truthful with her. I chanced another step towards her, happy that this time she didn't move an inch.

"You're why. You're all I fucking think about. Constantly - day and night. I worry about you when you're not with me. I fucking panic like a girl if I think you might fall over and I'm not there to catch you. All I've wanted to do for the past...Fuck, I don't even know how long anymore, is fucking kiss you...I'm not going to hurt you, Bella."

I took the remaining three steps between us and my heart picked up again as her ragged breathing washed over my face. I raised my thumbs and tried to brush away the tears that were streaming down her heated cheeks, relishing in the spark that ignited at our contact.

"So yeah, you can throw me out now that you think I'm some sort of psycho stalker..." I smiled widely as she giggled lightly. Fucking progress.

"I don't think you're a psycho stalker, Edward...that's all I've wanted to hear all week." She sighed lightly, and at her admission my hand shoved itself into her hair and I pulled her head back to mine. I captured her lips with a desperation I had been feeling for what felt like years.

My need for Bella had always been confusing to me and even when it felt like I had her, I wasn't satiated. I molded my body to hers, soaking up the heat radiating from her ridiculous amount of exposed flesh.

I knew I was in trouble when I walked back into the room and she had discarded her top. The tank top she was sporting had the thinnest straps in the world, and was dangerously low on her chest - revealing a delicious amount of skin on her back and chest.

What slipped my mind, in all the Bella-ness I was surrounded in, was that she would be able to feel exactly what she was doing to me. When I ground myself into her leg, a switch flipped somewhere, and I pulled back. Panting hard, I rested back against the kitchen island, putting at least three feet between us.

I groaned lightly as I took in her new state. Flushed from her cheeks all the way down her chest, to the tops of her breasts that were just on show from the vest she was wearing. To the way said chest was rising and falling with her labored breathing, just about had me undone again.

"I'm sorry about what I said about you." I looked back up from studying my shoes - trying to get my raging hard-on to settle down - to find that Bella was back to being insecure all over again.

"Why did you say it?" Moreover, I wanted to know where she had got it from. So I could end the bastard that told her in the first place.

"On Monday? Jasper told me about it...He said the whole school knew because she was going around saying all this stuff about how good you were in bed and how much of a gentleman you were because you brought her to school that morning..." I saw red once again, turned, and punched the kitchen surface before the thought had even settled in my head. Least it wasn't another fucking mirror.

The pain shot up through my knuckles, all the way to my shoulder and back down again.

"Fuck!" My voice was much louder than before, but it was down to the pain more than anything. Bella had moved over to my side to see what the damage was, whether to me or the kitchen I wasn't sure.

"You fucking believed him?" She pulled away at the harshness of my voice and I watched almost in slow motion as the fear set in on her features. She was always fucking afraid of me.

"Bella, I would never hurt you." Her eyes flew to mine, but instead of relief or reassurance, she looked sad.

"Jasper would never lie to me, Edward. He must have believed it..."

"That's why you've avoided me all week? Why Jasper wants my fucking head on a plate all of a sudden?" She flinched knowing it was true, and I growled in frustration.

"You believed I'd do that to you?"

"I didn't want to, it hurt too much." My heart broke for what must have been the thousandth time in a couple of hours. But something ignited in me. That meant she felt something too, right? Fuck, I was such a guy. I had no idea what I was doing.

"Nothing happened, Bella. Her fucking car broke down and I offered her a lift. She was in my car for, like, ten fucking minutes!" Her hand closed over my throbbing one and she picked it up gently and began inspecting it. But she didn't answer me. I stepped around her, trapping her between the island and my body.

"Say you believe me, Bella. I need to hear you say it."

The fact that I needed it so badly scared the fuck out of me. There was no way I could have fallen for this girl already, surely.

"I do believe you." She smiled sadly and her whisper blew upwards over my face as she looked up at me.

"She's not my type."

The blush that spread over her skin told me she believed me and that was all I needed. I smiled against her as she reached up on her toes and pressed her lips to mine. She was getting more confident. Excellent.

"Stop smiling while I'm trying to kiss you!" she exclaimed.

She very nearly stomped her foot, which made me smile more, but when she hit me on the chest pretty fucking hard, I realized she was serious. And hell, what was better than kissing Bella?

_Licking Bella, lying Bella down, undressing Bella_. And shit, I was back to being hard.

"You have no idea what you do to me," I admitted, groaning. She giggled and pulled back, but I was too busy trying to grasp at a thought I didn't have. I knew the feeling well enough to pin point the fact that my brain was trying to dig out a memory, but nothing floated to the surface.

I had said those words before.

"I think I do." Bella's whisper, and the smile that graced her face, brought me back to the present and I smiled back at her. I trailed my nose from her chin to her ear slowly before I spoke up again.

"You make me happy." I heard and felt the breath catch in her throat, and I took my opportunity to breathe her in. Her unique Bella scent overwhelming my senses. I pulled back sharply, concentrating on nothing but the memory that was fighting to rise to the surface of my frantic brain.

"Edward?" Bella's voice was distant and small as I tried to reach into my own head, but I could still hear the tone of worry.

There was no doubt in my mind that I had said those words before.

I felt sick with myself. The feeling that I was an asshole for what I was letting happen was pride of place at the front of my brain. I had felt this fucking way before and I couldn't even fucking remember it.

I let my grip on Bella go and shrank back from her touch as I battled with my own subconscious. What if what I felt for Bella wasn't real? I knew I didn't feel this way about Tanya, I remembered that much - even if I didn't know why we broke up. The feeling that there had been someone else crushed me. What did that mean for Bella? Was I using her in some sick way that I wasn't even aware of?

_I had just left the apartment in New York. Harry the doorman waved at me cheerfully as I passed him on my way out. The sun was shining and there were plenty of people on Fifth Avenue. When I looked at my watch, it was only seven in the morning, but I knew where I was going. I headed along the avenue, ducking into our local deli. Another one of my favourites._

_I ordered two hot coffees, and two of nearly every treat before me. Moving down the line, I then placed an order for a lunch hamper, telling the girl behind the counter I would be back to pick it up in a couple of hours._

_I felt like I was living another out of body experience as I watched myself head back to the apartment. I was happy; I could feel it overwhelming everything. When I passed one of the flower guys, I bought six sunflowers and carried them home in blue tissue paper, thinking that she would love them. _

_When I got back to the apartment my parents weren't there, or Emmett, or Alice, and when I set everything out in the kitchen I headed straight for my room. As I opened the door, I heard her crying and my heart ripped in two._

When I opened my eyes, I was propped against Bella's kitchen wall and shaking from head to toe. No memory had affected me this severely before.

Why the fuck did it have to stop there? That helped with fucking nothing! I should have been happy that I remembered something more, but I couldn't help but feel I had been cheated.

I was happy with Bella, I didn't want to remember being happy with someone else. I wanted Bella. A strange cold fell over me as I thought about the sunflowers. Bella had told me in the hospital they were her favorite. What were the chances?

The girl I had been drawing for the past week was a mix between my Bella and the girl in New York. Bella's scent reminded me of said girl, and the girl in my flashback's had a voice so familiar it creeped me the fuck out.

I groaned in exasperation. I knew it was just wishful thinking. My brain was going fucking mental with trying to make it Bella. Everything in my memories tied back to her somehow and I had to laugh at how I had tried desperately to find a connection in fucking everything. While I had been drawing her the other night I had wondered if their hair was only different because Bella's lightened in the sun. I mean, what the fuck?

I looked up at Bella, who was standing not two feet away with her hands by her side. She was white as a sheet as she stood stock still. She was watching me with the worst case of fear I had seen in her yet, and flinched away from my gaze when I looked at her. I stepped over to her and lifted her chin so she was looking at me. We had already had the "scared of Edward's flashbacks" talk. What was she really so scared of?

"I'm okay." I whispered it, thinking any loud noise would scare us both, and pressed my lips to hers gently.

This was exactly where I needed to be.

She nodded her head gently without moving her lips away, and I was surprised when she nothing short of attacked me as I stood there. Her hands attached themselves to the hair at the back of my head and she pulled her little body impossibly closer to mine.

The heat of her all at once was too much, and I pressed myself against her wanting more. Always wanting more. I chuckled at her newfound desperation, effectively breaking our shit-hot make out session.

"Not that I mind, but why the sudden urgency?" She blushed, her eyes hitting the floor, and I once again had to tilt her chin so that she would look at me.

"You were shutting down." Her bottom lip quivered and one lone tear streaked its way down her pale cheek. Fuck, why was she so insecure?

"I'm not leaving you, Bella." My voice caught in the back of my throat at the sincerity I found in my own words.

I didn't care who the other girl was. I wanted Bella; it felt like I would only ever want Bella. But for that to happen she needed to know the truth.

"We do need to talk."

She shook her head vehemently at my whispered request, but I brushed my lips against hers.

"Please? I need to tell you something."

Her head shaking lessened, but I was sure she didn't want to hear whatever I had to say. As if it was somehow going to be me changing my mind. I had to tell her how fucking unlikely that scenario was.

"Bella, look at me."

It took her a few minutes, but with a deep breath, she finally met my eye, her dark chocolate brown pools looking straight into my soul. "I'm not leaving you, not ever." I knew it was too much too soon, but I had to convince her somehow.

I took her small hand in mine, trying to suppress the need to squeal like a girl at the mere sensation of it, and towed her back into the living room behind me. I sat her in the corner of the sofa and then took my perch on the edge of the black table in front of her.

Almost automatically, she curled herself up into a tiny ball, hugging her knees to her chest. If I hadn't gone to a shrink, I wouldn't have known that her little movement was to protect herself. She wasn't going to let me comfort her during whatever she thought was going to happen. Therefore, I did the opposite. I reached out for her small hand again and held it tightly between us before looking up and catching her eye.

"After the accident in September, I pretty much shut down." She sat up a little straighter as I used her own words back at her. "I mean, it was like I was in a coma for five months or some shit, so there was just nothing there...like, I slept my entire summer, so all I could remember was fucking April and before..."

"Short term memory loss...a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder..." she blurted. I was pretty sure my eyebrows hit my hairline as I looked into her eyes.

She shrugged. "I Googled it...I wanted to know if I could help you..." Something that looked like guilt passed across her face, but it was so fleeting that I thought I had imagined it. This girl didn't cease to amaze me.

Her small hand rose again and this time I expected the thrill that ran through me when she touched me. She didn't trace the pattern I had become accustomed to, instead running her fingers over my bruise and cupping my jaw with her hand. I couldn't fucking help my reaction as I closed my eyes and leaned into her, savoring the peace that she brought me.

"What did you remember?"

This was the fucking hard part. We were back to whispering as she leaned in to me, creating a bubble around us.

We were so close.

Fuck, I had to focus.

I shook my head. "It's not important." I didn't want to get into the prospect of their being someone else out there for me with the one girl that I _wanted_ it to be.

"Edward, don't shut me out, I want to know."

She was right. I wanted this to be real. I wanted us to be exactly that, an us. That meant I had to tell her the whole truth.

"I was in New York, so I guess I spent some of my summer there at least. But I knew that already, Carlisle told me I went on my own. I think that's as much as he's ever told me..." I laughed, but it didn't sound carefree or happy, and she noticed. She nodded and the grip on my hand increased.

"I left at like seven in the morning and went to the bakery down the road. I ordered so much food, like I was surprising someone. Two of every cake and two coffees, a fucking shit-load of food." I looked up with a smile when I heard her giggle softly.

"Then I ordered one of their special hampers, and I can remember it from years before. It has like smoothies or alcohol, you can choose depending on the occasion. There's taster pallets and sandwiches, crepes, panini's, yoghurt, everything you could possibly want...Maybe I was going on a picnic? Doesn't sound like me mind you." Bella giggled again and I was relieved she was happier than she had been.

I chickened out like I knew I would though, hoping that she would let that be it.

"You don't need to know the rest."

"Edward." She practically growled at me and I looked at her with raised eyebrows. "I can handle it." She shrugged.

"On the way back to the apartment I bought a bunch of sunflowers of all things. I mean, they aren't even proper flowers...no offense." She smiled and shrugged lightly, urging me to continue.

"But I was thinking how much this person would love them the whole way home. So I set all the food out in the kitchen and laid the flowers down before going to find her. It all stopped when I opened my bedroom door and she was lying in my bed crying...I'm sorry, Bella."

She looked at me with shock all over her face and pulled her hand away.

"No, don't go anywhere! I'm sorry, but you asked. We're even now right?" She looked at me puzzled. To be honest I hadn't originally thought it through, but this could be my leverage.

"You told me all about the guy you were in love with, Bella...sparing few details. So don't pull away from me when I tell you I loved someone too..." She gasped softly, but it barely registered.

I had loved her...more than anything. I should be finding this girl. Fuck, I was such an asshole.

"I'm so sorry, Bella...I want to be with you, more than anything...never doubt that. But there's this part of me that's telling me I'm an asshole for not doing more to find her. I just fucking said I loved her, and I'm fucking brushing it off. What kind of asshole does that?" Her eyes softened at the pain in my voice, but she still looked crushed when I snatched my hand away from her and settled myself on the sofa.

She wrapped her hands around my arm and curled her body into mine, seconds after I had moved onto the sofa beside her. She fit around me as perfectly as she did the night at Jasper's when we had sat on the porch and I relaxed immediately.

"I'm glad you're remembering things, Edward. I'm here okay?" I lifted her from her space and deposited her on my lap, winding my arms tightly around her tiny waist.

She really was too thin. I was going to kiss her, but she just rested her forehead against mine and I found myself content in just looking at her. She really was beautiful. Inside and out. Her eyes had me captivated from the minute we met, and I couldn't stop myself from looking into their endless depths.

I was once again completely at ease as our breath mixed in the most glorious way. Neither of us moved, and I felt myself smile at the fact that Bella was still with me.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**OH MY GOD! What do we think?**

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**xx**


	19. Confessions and Revelations

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey all! :) I have to say...I think I got like 3 reviews for the last chapter...makes me think y'all didn't like it :( The guys over on The Writers Coffee Shop have already reached over 200 and I've been there for a month less... :( Please keep reviewing...it's the only thing that lets me kno y'all are with me :P**

**Not really much to say for this one...only that there is some fluffy cuteness in there that I'll hope you appreciate! Oh and I've finally decided that I like this Carlisle so you may see a different side to him in this chapter :)**

**Plus there's a tiny wee bit of Emmett for those of you who have been missing him :):)**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight, but all Forget Me Not characterisations and plot lines are copyright of LiveInDakota 2010, plaigarism will be punished.**

**Last thing I promise...a lot of you are writers yourselves and I was wondering if any of you would mind taking the job of BETA for this story before I post it on _Twilighted_...the girls over there are concerned about my tenses and punctuation :O Ny takers?**

**Enjoy xx**

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**Chapter Nineteen: Confessions and Revelations**

This time, this place  
Misused, mistakes  
Too long, too late  
Who was I to make you wait?  
Just one chance, just one breath,  
Just in case there's just one left  
'Cause you know, you know, you know...

That I love you, I have loved you all along  
And I miss you, been far away for far too long  
I keep dreaming you'll be with me  
And you'll never go  
Stop breathing if  
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask  
Last chance for one last dance  
'Cause with you, I'd withstand  
All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all, I'd give for us  
Give anything but I won't give up  
'Cause you know, you know, you know...

That I love you, I have loved you all along  
And I miss you, been far away for far too long  
I keep dreaming you'll be with me  
And you'll never go  
Stop breathing if  
I don't see you anymore

So far away  
Been far away for far too long  
So far away  
Been far away for far too long  
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted, I wanted you to stay  
'Cause I needed  
I need to hear you say

That I love you, I have loved you all along  
And I forgive you  
For being away for far too long

So keep breathing  
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore  
Believe it  
Hold on to me and, never let me go  
Keep breathing  
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore  
Believe it  
Hold on to me and never let me go  
Keep breathing  
Hold on to me and, never let me go  
Keep breathing  
Hold on to me and, never let me go

_Nickelback - Far Away_

Bella's POV: Now

For the second time in an hour I was wrapped in my Edward bubble, only this time I was in the right frame of mind to appreciate it.

His arms, locked securely around my waist, made me feel like he never wanted to let me go as he pulled me onto his lap. His light breath was blowing through my hair every time he exhaled, causing me to shiver with pleasure. The gentle rise and fall of his chest under my head was lulling me to a state of relaxation I hadn't been in for months. This was home. And when he randomly pressed a kiss to my temple or the crown of my head, I was in heaven.

We hadn't spoken in what felt like hours but was probably more like minutes, yet neither of us felt the need to; we were comfortable to just sit like we were.

"Can I ask you something?" A feeling of dread washed over me, but I nodded into his chest anyway.

"The panic attack earlier...What brought it on?" In the argument that had followed, not to mention the make-out session, I had completely forgotten what had happened when I first got here.

_"They're at the estate agent." _

Edward noticed me tense in his arms and pulled away. He wanted me to look at him, but I couldn't. However, I couldn't ignore his finger under my chin, directing my gaze up to his.

"I only want to know so that I don't do whatever it was again..." His brow furrowed adorably, and it wasn't until then that I realized he would, of course, be blaming himself. I had to be honest here and hope that it wasn't too much too soon for him.

"I guess it was the thought of you leaving...You said they were at the estate agent. Are you going back to Chicago?" His brow furrowed even more, realizing that what he said may have hurt me more than he thought.

"They are...Alice has some notion that moving us back again would help me more...She came into my room the other night in tears asking if we could go home and apologizing that bringing me here hadn't worked...but it did..." I was holding my breath, anxious for his answer.

"Breathe, Bella." He smirked, causing me to blush under his gaze.

"You're going home?" I asked in a small voice.

It made sense really. Forks had never been a home to the Cullens', the only reason they were here was because I lived here. I wouldn't subject anyone to this place. They belonged in the big city, where powerful families are in plentiful supply.

"Not if I can help it..."

He had his forehead scrunched up, but he was smiling at the same time, looking adorable and hilarious and I laughed at his expression.

"I love that sound."

I blushed again and tried to turn my head to look somewhere else, but he had me held.

His mouth descended slowly, with a prize-winning smile, until his lips were pressed against mine. Neither of us moved, content with the contact more than anything, but as usual, it wasn't enough.

I slid my arms up over his chest, and around the back of his neck, until I threaded my fingers into his hair. His mouth started to move more forcefully against mine when I tugged him closer and was rewarded with a groan. When I moved, getting a cramp in my leg, to straighten out on Edward's lap he hissed and pulled away abruptly.

"Shit, Bella, you can't do that..." His eyes were hooded with lust, his pupils dilated and his breathing ragged. I loved this side of Edward.

"I need you closer..." I hadn't a clue where the sudden confidence was coming from; I only knew I was being truthful. He would never be close enough, but I would die trying if I could.

"Fuck."

Before I could comprehend what had happened I was on my back on the sofa, and Edward was hovering above me, his hands at either side of my head, his body aligned perfectly with mine.

He was looking at me for what seemed like confirmation that he hadn't crossed a line, so I answered him the only way I knew how. I tugged on his hair again; loving the feeling of power it bestowed on me, and brought his lips back to mine.

He wasn't giving me anything, not yielding an inch, so I nibbled gently on his bottom lip and then his top while I dragged my fingers over his scalp, doing anything to garner his undivided attention. Fuck being in control.

"Let go, Edward." He seemed to come back to the present at my words, his eyes darkening even more.

Even in our lust-filled haze, he took it slowly, bending gently to cover my body with his, before eventually locking us in a heated kiss. It wasn't urgent or desperate, but still filled with passion and heat and I groaned into his mouth.

I felt him smile against my lips, before he started trailing kisses along my jaw and up to my ear. I trembled from head to toe as he sucked on the soft skin beneath my ear, erupting in goose bumps as he breathed on the damp flesh.

"You have no idea what you do to me," he mumbled.

Still feeling brave, I raised my hips off the sofa and pressed myself into the whole length of his body. He groaned louder than any other time before as our pelvises came into contact. Fuck, he was hard.

"Shit, Bella, you have to stop." His voice was hoarse as he spoke, but he ground himself into me as he said it, putting no truth behind his words as he pinned my hips back to the couch.

We continued our assault on each other, fully aware that things were escalating quicker than we would have wanted. Our hands were skimming and grabbing at clothes and hair, our mouths battling as we kissed, and our bodies heating up to boiling point with the pressure we were trying to alleviate.

But when Edward ground himself into me again, desperately seeking friction I gasped in pain. Somehow, he managed to distinguish, even in our state, that it was a gasp of pain rather than pleasure. I heated at the thought that maybe he was still as attuned to my body as he used to be...He probably just didn't realize.

"I'm sorry, what did I do?" His eyes flicked over all the parts of me that he could see in a panic, wondering what he had done wrong.

"It's okay...it's just...surgery you know?" I flushed in embarrassment, but he didn't seem to care.

"Fuck, I completely forgot..." I almost pouted as he disconnected himself from the embrace I had him in, but he settled himself beside me and pulled me into him instead.

"Edward, you didn't hurt me...I just need to be careful." My voice sounded whiny even to me and I laughed down my nose at myself. Yes, I wanted to be that close to Edward, but life wasn't going to allow it any time soon.

"Hmm, Bella...I want to too...don't doubt that..." The husky tones in Edward's voice sent shivers rippling through my already overheated body.

I pulled myself closer to his body, curling myself around him as he kept a firm hold of me. My eyes were trained on the sound system mounted on the wall as Edward's hands rubbed circles into my lower back; it was flashing on pause, and I suddenly wanted some music.

Edward was a little surprised when I pulled away, his arms falling sharply to his lap as I stood from the sofa. I could feel his eyes on my back as I walked slowly to the wall opposite us. I didn't get up with a plan, but by the time I was standing in front of the sleek machine I knew what I wanted to do. Hopefully the Cullen's house iPod wouldn't let me down.

I was holding my breath as the guitar started, wondering what his reaction would be, if he would even catch on. This was the only way I knew how to say what needed to be said, and I prayed that he wouldn't go running.

_Just have a little patience_

_I'm still hurting from a love I lost._

_I'm feeling your frustration_

_Any minute all the pain will stop._

_Just hold me close inside your arms tonight_

_Don't be too hard on my emotions._

I bit my lip as I turned back to face the room and was surprised to see that Edward was no longer lounging on the sofa, but standing in the middle of the floor. It was obvious he was moving and had stopped in his tracks as I turned to him. Not liking the space between us, I padded back across to him, magnetized to his arms it would seem, as he watched me closely.

_Cause I, need time_

_My heart is numb, has no feeling_

_So while I'm still healing_

_Just try and have a little patience_

His eyes didn't drop from where they were holding me routed to the spot as he closed the last few inches between us. I thought he was going to kiss me, but he just stopped and continued to look at me, causing my face to flame and my eyes to drop to the floor. His finger was instantly under my chin and lifting my head so that I had no choice but to look at him.

_I really wanna start over again_

_I know you wanna be my salvation_

_The one that I can always depend._

_I'll try to be strong_

_Believe me I'm trying to move on_

_It's complicated but understand me._

_Cause I, need time_

_My heart is numb, has no feeling_

_So while I'm still healing_

_Just try and have a little patience_

His forehead fell to mine as he closed his eyes and as the lyrics and music played on, I took the time to look at him, filling with love at the sight before me. Our breaths were mixing between us again as I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him to me as I focused back on the music.

_Cause the scars run so deep_

_It's been hard but I have to believe_

_Just have a little patience_

_Just have a little patience_

As the words of the chorus started up again, floating throughout the cavernous room, I took a deep breath before pressing my lips to his gently. His eyes popped open, but I didn't want this kiss to go any further. I was sealing what was being said silently, and I read the acknowledgement in his bright green eyes.

_Have a little patience_

_Have a little patience_

_My heart is numb, has no feeling_

_So while I'm still healing_

_Just try and have a little patience._

I hadn't realized I was even crying until Edward was brushing away the moisture from my cheeks. He was smiling, that was good wasn't it? He hadn't run, or laughed or got angry - he was smiling.

He delved into his jean pocket and produced the remote, pointing it at the wall behind me and putting a stop to the piano melody that had started up from the speakers, plunging us into fresh silence. All I could hear was the tick of the clock on the wall and our quiet breathing.

"I'll wait."

My eyes flew back to Edward as his words cut through the room. His thumb flicked at my lip where I had begun to nibble on it again and his smile turned into a smirk.

"But only if you promise to stop drinking..." I laughed once at his resolution to look after me. He always needed to get his way, and I was glad that the pile of "things that haven't changed in Edward" was gradually building as the days wore on.

"I promise." My whispered agreement meant a lot more once the words were out.

Had I not just admitted to the fact that the drinking was the only thing making things bearable? When I had also said that I knew I couldn't have Edward...did that mean we were labelling whatever this was?

Why did I always have more questions than answers when it came to him? He turned everything in my world upside down and I no longer knew where to find anything.

When my stomach rumbled, he laughed good-naturedly and tugged on my hand, leading me to the kitchen. I was thrown, I wanted him to label us like he had in New York, but I was also afraid that one of these times I would admit too much and he'd go running for the hills. Would it scare him that I was so attached to him in such a short period of time?

All the insecurities I had battled over the summer and finally gotten a grip on hadn't mattered when Edward wasn't around. Now that he was back in my life, so were they, and I knew the battle was beginning all over again. Only this time it would be harder because not only would I doubt _myself_, but him too.

"Can I ask you something? About something you said earlier?" I asked slowly.

Edward's head reappeared from where he had it stuck in the fridge, and while his brow furrowed, he nodded his head in answer.

"What did you mean about Jasper?" He came out of the fridge, this time holding a Tupperware container and set it down on the breakfast bar between us.

"I called him on Wednesday to ask for his help." He tried to shrug it off, but I was determined we were having this conversation.

"Help with what?" He huffed, looking at me almost pleadingly, but I ignored him, instead reaching for one of the cupcakes he had uncovered.

"I tried to get him to let me see you, okay? I told him what had happened and that Alice wanted us to go back to Chicago and that I had to see you...Didn't make much difference though..." I stopped nibbling the cake in front of me, my eyes fixed on the kitchen window behind Edward's back as I soaked in his words.

Jasper had known that I had the wrong end of the stick, that Edward had in fact done nothing wrong and hadn't said anything. He thought Edward was moving away, so we had less time than I originally thought, and he still kept it to himself. I tried to tell myself that Jasper would have his reasons, he was always looking out for me, he wouldn't do anything to hurt me intentionally, but it didn't stop the stab of pain in my chest.

"Bella, it doesn't matter. You're here now anyway!" Although forceful, Edward's voice was full of concern, causing me to turn back to look at him.

"This was one massive fuck up and he kept it from me, Edward..." I don't know why I narrowed my eyes at him; it wasn't as if it was his fault.

"He thought he was doing the best thing for you, Bella...What was the point in you knowing the truth if you were never going to see me again anyway?" I battled the need to widen my eyes as he put it so bluntly, but I couldn't stop the tears that started to sting.

"I'll just go then..." My anger was rising and I wasn't entirely sure why as I slid off the stool and turned for the door.

"Bella..." Edward sounded exasperated, but before I could turn to look at him, he had dashed around the kitchen island and was standing in front of me. "That wasn't a cue to leave..." He was smirking and we all knew how much cocky Edward pissed me off.

"I'm never going to see you again anyway, Edward, what difference does it make if I walk out now?" His whole facial expression faltered before he could control it as I turned his words around on him.

"That's not...Bella that isn't what I meant..." He sighed in annoyance before raking his hand through his hair, the bandage across his knuckles not making it as easy as it should have been.

"That's what Jasper thought...I don't want to leave...I'm kind of getting used to this place." This time when he smiled I smiled back, simply because I never would have imagined Edward saying those words about Forks of all places.

"No one in their right mind likes Forks, Edward." I giggled as he shrugged in exaggeration.

"Some things I could grow to love." His voice dropped to a quiet murmur, and I had to concentrate to catch what he said. I hoped and prayed that I wasn't starting to imagine things.

I was jumping up and down like mad inside my head, but he didn't look too comfortable with what he had just admitted, probably wondering why he had even said it. That stray thought made me sad, but to distract both of us I reached for his bandaged hand and tugged him back to the stools at the breakfast bar.

"What did you do?"

He snorted quietly at my question, causing me to look up confused.

"I fell out with a mirror."

I gasped softly, looking back to the white gauze as if I could suddenly see through it.

"Why?"

"I didn't like what I saw."

My heart broke a little at his statement, and before either of us had time to think about it, I had slid back off the stool again and thrown my arms around him.

He tightened his hold on me immediately, bringing my body closer to his and nestling me between his legs as he sat facing me.

His answer bothered me more than he probably realized. I knew this boy - inside and out - and if he was angry enough at himself to punch his reflection, then things weren't going well. He didn't have to tell me that he was beyond confused with the things he was feeling and why he was feeling so much.

And because of my lies, I couldn't help him. So instead, I wove my fingers gently through his hair and worked them continuously through his locks from root to tip. I felt his body relaxing into me as I scraped my nails gently across his scalp, bringing him even closer. We stayed like that, wrapped up in each other until the sound of the front door opening brought us out of our bubble.

I listened, hoping it would be Emmett and not his parents as I continued my ministrations on Edward's hair. My heart fell as I heard three distinct sets of footsteps echo around the hall, but it picked up again as one of them headed straight up the stairs and a door banged. My guess that it was Alice was confirmed as Esme and Carlisle made their way into the kitchen. The former stopping dead in her tracks when she took in the scene in front of her.

"Edward?" He pulled back slightly, causing my hands to slip out of his hair, but he grabbed my left hand and weaved his fingers through mine as he turned in his seat to face his parents.

"Hey. You guys are back early."

Carlisle skirted around his wife, shrugging out of his jacket before he placed it down on the stool beside me.

"Yeah, there was a tiny falling out," he answered, chuckling quietly before heading to the sink and running himself a glass of water. Esme was still standing where she had stopped, and it didn't escape my notice that Edward was ignoring her.

"Bella, Bella, Bella. Why are you out of the house?" Edward's grip tightened on my hand as I laughed at Carlisle; I really was warming to him.

"We needed to sort some things out," Edward answered him. My face flamed, but I stood my ground. I had no idea if his family knew or not about the Lauren situation.

"It's late, too, you should be resting..." Carlisle walked back across to me and put the back of his hand to my forehead causing me to giggle lightly.

"I've been sleeping for days...I'm okay, Doc."

He smirked at me before holding up his hands and backing away.

"Have you kids eaten?" Esme finally moved from her spot as she walked around to where Edward had left the tub of cakes.

"I had dinner before I came over here...so I'm okay thanks." She nodded minutely, not making eye contact with me as she looked to Edward.

"Edward, you haven't eaten properly in days. Let me make you something..." I turned to look at him to find he was studying the counter top. I bent my head to his ear and turned his chin with my finger before I spoke.

"You can't stop eating, Edward...trust me."

I pulled back, smiling as he watched me. He nodded at Esme and she set about getting things ready as I bent and pressed a kiss to his cheek in thanks.

"Bella? How about we have a wee doctor/patient chat while my wife cooks us something fabulous?" Carlisle spoke up again. I nodded in agreement, wanting out of the tense atmosphere in the kitchen.

I squeezed Edward's hand, needing the last morsel of contact before I left the room, even knowing I would be back at his side in mere minutes. I followed Carlisle out into the living room and my face flamed as he headed towards his bar. He looked back at me with a raised eyebrow as he noticed the glass of whiskey that was out of place.

"I didn't drink it..." I was wrong if I thought he was going to give me some lecture or telling off, instead he just picked it up and took a sip.

"Can I ask you something?" I repeated my words from earlier and watched as Carlisle nodded, his eyes flicking to where I was wringing my hands in front of me. I looked back to the kitchen doorway, making sure Edward wasn't lurking or in ear shot before I spoke up.

"Why can't I tell him anything?" I held up my hand, knowing he wanted to interrupt me, but I didn't mean what he thought I did.

"No, like the basics...Why can't I tell him that we met last summer and that I love him or at least that we know each other? I don't need to tell him anything else...just that we know each other..." My throat closed up as I battled my emotions.

"I...I don't have an answer to that, Bella...it wasn't my idea..." I sank onto the sofa, knowing he was right but still wanting an answer.

"Can't I just say, like...we know each other and I love you, but I can't tell you anymore because it could do you more harm than good?" Carlisle sat down beside me with a sigh.

"I do understand, Bella, I really do, but only you can make that decision." I looked up at him in shock not expecting that as my answer. "You do have to take into account, though, that we have no idea what even that will do to him. Yes it's your decision, but are you willing to take that chance?" My heart turned to solid lead as Carlisle's words sank in, of course, he was right.

"I don't think you can take this a good way, but can I ask you something?" I nodded my head, making a split decision not to get angry with him.

"Is this to help him or is it for you?" The kindness in his eyes made the tears swell up again.

"Me," I answered truthfully. My voice cracked and I had to cough to get it back. "I just want him back." Carlisle put his glass down and gathered me to him.

I should have been embarrassed or feeling awkward that Carlisle Cullen was hugging me as I broke down in the middle of his home, but his presence was comforting to me. This was like a blast into the future in some ways. He reminded me so much of Edward that I had to remember things weren't always as they first seemed.

"Knock, knock." Carlisle's head turned towards Edward's voice, but I stayed cocooned where I was.

"Come in, son." He shifted slightly, and I pulled myself back to give him the space to stand up. "Have you had something to eat?" He picked up his glass and moved from my peripheral vision.

"Yeah, Mom made me an omelet. I think she's making you one, too."

"Great, I'm famished!" I listened in on their easy banter with a sense of wonder and confusion. Edward didn't get on with Carlisle, but from what I was listening in on, things seemed a hundred times better.

"Are we moving?" Ah, the one question I wanted the answer to. I held my breath and panicked when no answer came. I turned on the sofa to look at the two Cullen men noticing that Edward's brow was furrowed.

"Maybe we should distract her with something? That usually works..." Edward mused, talking about his sister. Carlisle laughed once before clapping Edward on the shoulder and walking into the kitchen, leaving him standing facing me.

He looked unsure and worried as he took a tentative step towards the sofa, but his face softened when I held my hand out silently. I needed him close to me, he was like some sort of drug, I needed some sort of contact to him or I would begin to think this was all a dream. I'd much rather have him here like this than not at all.

"What's wrong?" He stopped beside the arm of the sofa, but I tugged on his arm again.

"I need you to hold me." My eyes widened at the lack of filter between my mouth and my brain, but Edward didn't hesitate as he sat down beside me, folding himself around the ball I had curled myself into.

"I'm right here."

_N__ot completely_, I thought, and then I felt guilty again. How many times did I have to remind myself that it wasn't his fault?

I shuffled myself back onto his lap, a place I felt most safe. This was right where I needed to be, and I never wanted to move as his arms wound round me.

"Can I ask you something?"

How many times had that been asked tonight?

"I don't see why we should stop now," I answered. He chuckled lowly, but he cut it off and I briefly wished I'd said no.

"Why did you believe I would sleep with Lauren? Even after everything last weekend?"

_Because I'm no good for you. At least Lauren wouldn't lie to your face; she just lies to everyone else._

"I always thought you were too good for me."

_Shit that was far too much information. _

If he was confused by my choice of words, he didn't show it.

"Hmm, I think you've got that the wrong way round." He nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck and pressed a kiss to my collarbone, making me fight my instincts that were telling me to melt right there on the spot.

"That's why...you asked why you earlier...because you're selfless and kind and beautiful and smart and everything that Lauren could ever hope to be. I never did want her..." If this had been any other relationship or any other person then the things we were saying would have been too much too soon, but this was Edward. This was the boy who at one point knew exactly what I was thinking and how to make it right.

"Kiss me?" I didn't care if his parents were only through the wall and that they could walk in at any second, I needed the confirmation.

He smiled, one of those smiles that warmed every part of me to know he was happy, and pressed his lips chastely to mine. He was smirking against my mouth as he held his mouth there, and I couldn't understand why.

"If I kiss you properly again, I'm not sure I'll be able to stop this time...and my parents are only like twenty feet away." I giggled at his words, pulled back, pressed one more kiss against his lips and then pulled back fully.

He was looking into my eyes, searching for something.

_I love you._

I got lost in his eyes, the depth of green not surprising me, as I had been lost in them so many times before.

_I miss you._

We sat for what felt like an age, the sounds of people talking quietly emitting from the kitchen as we stayed in our quiet bubble.

_I need you to come back._

For the second time that night, we were interrupted by the door opening. I looked over Edward's shoulder to see Emmett trudging into the house with a shit-eating grin on his face. I muffled my laugh in Edward's jumper as I watched him shake the rain from his hair like a dog as he shut the door behind him, not having noticed anyone else in the room.

"Dude! Whose car is that outside?" Hadn't he noticed that Carlisle's car was there, too and Edward wasn't alone? Or maybe it was parked in the garage.

"Shit! Hey Bells!" He looked genuinely surprised to see me sitting in his brother's lap, and I laughed at the expression on his face as I stood up, trying to ignore the fact that Edward was very nearly pouting.

"Hey, Em." He bounded over to me in almost two steps and gathered me into his arms, lifting me from the ground. Was he forgetting that this was a little too much for two people who knew nothing about each other and had only met once? But then I realized that that was the state our relationship was in anyway, didn't matter if Edward could remember me or not.

"Shit!" He swore again causing me to laugh as he put me down at the sound of the phone ringing and went to answer it.

I turned back to Edward to find him standing in the middle of the floor with a scowl on his face, his eyes trained on Emmett's back.

"You've never greeted me like that..." He waved his hand in his brother's direction, but he wasn't looking at me. I took a few steps, bringing myself closer to him before I answered.

"I always thought our way was better...I can change it to that if you want..." I shrugged; genuinely amused that Edward was jealous of what had just transpired. Even if he denied it, I knew exactly what he was feeling.

"Our way?" His head finally pointed back in my direction as he looked at me in confusion.

I nodded my head, standing on my tiptoes and wrapping my hands around the back of his head. I looked at him deliberately for a few seconds before I closed my eyes and kissed him again. I waited for him to respond and let our mouths move gently with each other before I pulled away, resting my forehead on his.

"Hi." I whispered it straight into his mouth as he caught his breath.

The smile told me all I needed to know in that situation. Just like that he was back to being carefree and fairly happy - gone was the jealousy and anger at his brother. He stood looking at me in something akin to awe as I dropped back to my normal height, leaving my arms around his neck. Had I mentioned how much I love touching him?

"Maybe we should stick to our way?"

"You think?" I smirked at the same time as Edward did, and only broke away from him when Emmett interrupted us again.

"Hells Bells! That was your dad wanting to know if we'd seen his daughter because she had disappeared from the house with her mom's car...You wouldn't know anything about that would you?"

Carlisle and Esme appeared in the room in time to hear what Emmett had to say and there was no use in fighting the blush that crept over me. _Woops._ I had genuinely forgotten that I had practically run away.

"Sneaking out to see a boy...you should be ashamed of your behavior, young lady!" Emmett admonished playfully. Thankfully, everyone laughed at Emmett's ridiculous accent as wagged his finger at me.

"Maybe I should go home?" I whispered my question to Edward, not really knowing why. But the minute I turned my head back to look at him, everyone else disappeared.

"I'll take you." I smiled before stepping back. I realized three members of his family had just witnessed our moment and my complete inability to not swoon or melt in Edward's presence. I would be a terrible model for strong women.

"No, wait. I drove here..." Noticing there was more to be said all three of the Cullens headed into the kitchen as one, leaving me with Edward.

"I'll drive you back and leave the car in the driveway...I don't want you driving again, Bella you're supposed to be resting...I can just walk back..." He shrugged again as I devised a plan. See me, always plotting.

"I'll just go tell them I'm away..." I nodded in the direction of the kitchen and noticed with an internal smirk that Edward was shocked I had given in so easily. See, he did know me well. He just didn't know I had an agenda. I headed to the kitchen, noticing that while Carlisle sat at the breakfast bar with the paper, Esme was standing at the sink, staring out of the window over the back yard, and Emmett was shoveling down food at the table running along the wall. Not exactly a social gathering anyway.

_"I can't remember the last time we spoke to one another."_

"I'm just going to head home..." I tried not to let Esme's blatant ignoring get my back up as Carlisle turned to me with a smile. She just didn't like me, which was just fine by me.

"No more adventures, promise?" Carlisle was looking at me sternly, and I swallowed my sudden bout of nerves as I nodded my head.

"Plenty of rest, is me!" He chuckled lightly, and the fact that his eyes floated over my shoulder told me that Edward was behind me.

"Night, Bells!" I laughed at Emmett, as he had yet to call me by my actual name as I turned and headed for the door.

I weaved my fingers through Edward's offered ones and let him lead me through the house to the front door. I handed over the keys somewhat reluctantly when Edward held out his hand for them, but I didn't really fancy driving anyway. I was sore from all the movement, but I wasn't about to tell him that. I just needed to get back in bed and stay there; which, hopefully, was what was going to happen.

The drive back to mine was short and silent, but I made sure to keep my hand clasped in Edward's across the center console as he drove carefully in the pitch black. The clock on the dash told me it was nearing one in the morning as he pulled Renee's car into the driveway silently.

He was out of his seat and holding my door open before I could protest and then again, as he helped me down from the high seat, but I didn't complain because his arms were around me again. I steeled my nerves as he walked me to the door, praying that I wouldn't sound as insecure as I felt.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?" God, I loved that sound.

"Do you like that tree?" He chuckled warmly beside me at my question, probably thinking I was going mad.

"Well...I guess it has come in handy, so yeah..." We were of course talking about the tree strategically placed outside my window.

"Are you any better at climbing it?" I felt his steps slow as my question sank in. Please, please go along with this.

"I suppose only practice makes perfect...Why do you ask?" I laughed as he played innocent.

"Let's just say I don't want you walking home at this time of night..." I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before turning and opening the front door, not giving him time to answer, and hoping like hell that he would actually stay.

The television was no longer on in the living room as I toed off my shoes, but there was noise coming from the kitchen so I headed in that direction instead.

"Hey, Dad." Charlie was sitting at the little table with one of his crime novels propped open in front of him.

"Jesus, Bells...I was worried you know!"

"I'm sorry...I guess I didn't think about that part...I just needed to get out..." His face softened immediately and he stood, bringing me into a hug I wasn't expecting. This wasn't what Charlie and I did.

"I understand that...Just tell me next time, okay?" I nodded into his chest and smiled, knowing that the family I had was second to none, even if it was small.

"How is he?" I laughed quietly; I guess I didn't know what Emmett had told him.

"He's not too great...but we're doing better..." I couldn't help the way my smile widened at the latter end of my sentence and Charlie was very aware of it.

"Good! I was worried you two wouldn't work it out...I'm sorry for not telling you..." I pulled back and ran the tap to pour myself some water.

"It's okay, Dad, I suppose I get why you didn't tell me. But that doesn't mean I'm not angry at Jasper...Who I'm glad to see isn't here." I noticed Charlie shrugging one shoulder from the corner of my eye.

"I sent him home when I got off the phone...You two can talk things out tomorrow, I want you in bed..." I raised my glass to him before finishing it off and leaving the empty glass beside the sink.

"You need me to, uh...carry you?" I shook my head with a smile. I could make it up the stairs as long as I took my time and held on to the banister.

I nearly laughed at the thought of my goal lying at the top of the stairs. Lying in my bed probably looking far too good for any one person to ever look. Then I second-guessed myself, what if he hadn't actually stayed?

By the time I was finished cleaning my teeth and sorting myself for bed, I was nervous to even look in my room and find out. Eventually plucking up the courage after chastising myself for being so immature, I opened my door and slipped in to the dark room.

I sighed audibly with relief, heard even over the clicking of the door behind me as I took in the scene in my room. He had kicked off his shoes, leaving them beside my desk; the light on the bedside table nearest him was on lowly, casting soft shadows across the bed.

He was sitting with his left arm tucked behind his head and his back against the headboard, his legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles, and he was looking at me.

I flushed and stalled. I was changed for bed and suddenly felt too exposed, even after I reasoned with myself that he had seen me in worse - a hospital gown for Christ sake - and that we had even made out on that very bed. That made me blush even more.

"What could you possibly be thinking that's making you blush so much?" His voice was laced with amusement, and he was smirking when I focused back on his face.

Should I play with him a little?

"Oh, you know...what we did last Friday around this time when you climbed in my window..." He groaned, causing me to battle the smirk that wanted to form on my face as I padded to the other side of the bed.

"Can you just hold me tonight?" My voice had lost all its confidence and Edward noticed because the dark look on his face fell as he looked at me closely.

"I'm right here..." And he didn't need to say anything else. He watched me with rapt interest as I crawled under the covers next to him and I returned the favour as he climbed off the bed to rid himself of his jeans.

There was nothing sexual about this at all, but even watching him take off his jeans had me feeling hot all over.

_He can't sleep in jeans, he's just getting comfy._

I chanted things to myself to keep from pouncing on him. I couldn't anyway, and it certainly wouldn't help our situation.

I held up the corner of the covers and smiled as he climbed in beside me. He reached behind him and flicked the switch on the lamp, dousing us into darkness.

I turned onto my side, facing the window, and sighed in contentment as I felt him pull himself closer to me. One arm was under my neck, splayed across the rest of my pillow and the other was draped protectively over my waist.

A few tears dripped from my eyes silently onto the pillow because we had been here before. The night before I left, he had held me in a similar way and it felt scarily the same for me now as it did then. I was never going to stop loving this wonderful, tormented, beautiful boy, who for some reason was making me fall even deeper in love with him than before without even trying.

I had wished for this scenario too many times to keep count and now here he was; in Forks, lying beside me in bed and holding me the way I had prayed for every night for five months.

I snuggled myself deeper into his warm body when he pressed a kiss to the back of my head, inhaling through his nose that was buried in my hair. This was all I needed.

"Goodnight, Edward."

"Hmm...G'night, Bella." I was pretty sure I fell asleep with a smile on my face, knowing he'd be there when I woke up and it _wasn't_ just a dream.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

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	20. Show Me What I'm Looking For

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hiiiiiiii :):) To all those who reviewed and don't have accounts here I love you alll! I hate not being able to get back to y'all :):) But your encouragement and excitement for this story makes me so happy :)**

**NEWS! Eddie has been named Forgetfulward in this fic! It's taken long enough I know...and it isn't very creative but y'all didn't give me much help so we're sticking to the basic :):) I personally think it has a good ring to it :P**

**Right! There are quite a few POV changes in this chapter...four to ****be exact so make sure you don't miss 'em and get confused :):) And oh my god! There's a lemon! Or a semi-lemon...I don't know what you would call it cause it's not full on shmexin :):) ****For all those of you that are Team Jake...he's back! The end of this chapter made me smile so much...**

**Let the battle commence, eh? Nah, I'll say that at the start of the next one :):)**

**SM owns all things Twilight, but all Forget Me Not characterisations and plot lines are copyrighted of LiveInDakota2010...any and all plaigarism will be punished and reported...**

**Please enjoy... xx**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty: Show Me What I'm Looking For**

Wait, I'm wrong  
Should have done better than this  
Please, I'll be strong  
I'm finding it hard to resist  
So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost  
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you  
I'll pay any cost  
Save me from being confused  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for…

Oh lord

Don't let go,  
I've wanted this far too long  
Mistakes become regrets  
I've learned to love abuse  
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost  
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you  
I'll pay any cost  
Save me from being confused  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for

Oh lord

Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost  
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you  
I'll pay any cost  
Just save me from being confused  
Wait, I'm wrong  
I can't do better than this  
I'll pay any cost  
Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for  
Show me what I'm looking for…

Oh lord

_Show Me What I'm Looking For - Carolina Liar_

* * *

Edward's POV

Someone had just run straight into me in a completely deserted corridor when I was jolted awake. My bearings were utterly scrambled until I remembered where I was. In bed, in Bella's bed, with Bella.

I smiled into the dim light of the morning at how well the night before had panned out. I hadn't been expecting that at all, but it genuinely seemed as though Bella felt for me what I was feeling for her. What where the chances?

I mean, even I knew it was too early for me to go spouting how much I loved her, but what we seemed to be saying to each other was enough, even if a little much for two people who had only known each other for two weeks.

It happened that Bella's little fist had been what had woken me up. She had rolled over and was now resting on my chest as she slept. Her hand was splayed out just to the left of my heart, her other fisted in my shirt at my ribs. What caught my attention though, was that she was close...really close.

Her right leg was curled around mine, and her knee was resting between my legs, her foot softly grazing the shin of my left leg. Either she was really restless all of a sudden and having a bad dream or she was really uncomfortable because she would. Not. Lie. Still.

The friction her tiny body was making was stirring things that I wasn't entirely sure I could control, as I lay there surrounded by her scent and her warmth. Her sweet breath was washing across my chest, warming my skin through my t-shirt, and fuck if her hand had to start rubbing circles into my chest so dangerously close to my nipple.

I can safely say I had never gotten pleasure from someone touching my nipples before, and here Bella was arousing me to the point of pain and she was fucking asleep. I remembered how it felt to sleep with Tanya, and I also remembered the disappointment I had been left with. Sure, it had been amazing at the time, but when I thought back on it, it had left me feeling empty...like I had missed something. Even when she went down on me, it felt good at the time, but it gave me no gratification to think back on.

I concentrated on leveling my breathing as I placed my hand on top of Bella's, stilling her movements, trying desperately to control the effect she was having on my body. I was painfully hard as she started rubbing her leg up and down over mine, and couldn't stop the groan that fell from my lips. This was becoming dangerous.

Then she fucking moaned. I nearly came right then and there, what with her writhing gently and moaning so fucking close to me. What the fuck was she dreaming about?

"Bella, please fucking tell me you're awake?" I didn't know what I was hoping to achieve, but I only became frustrated when she didn't answer me, confirming my suspicions that she was, of course, asleep.

"Mm, Edward..." Oh, fuck. My dick strained against my boxers, and I briefly entertained the thought of taking care of myself while she was sleeping. It wasn't like she would ever fucking know.

Bella's POV

Edward's hand gently reached for mine and lifted it above my head, pinning it to the mattress before he reached for the other one. He anchored them both down with only one of his before he returned to the path both his hands had been taking, only this time he was using his mouth.

His kisses were hot against my flushed skin as he traveled down my chest, his breath instantly cooling the moist flesh in his wake. My back arched up off the bed as his mouth closed over one of my nipples, and I had to bite back the moan of pleasure, knowing Charlie was only across the hall. The danger of being caught only made what we were doing hotter and made me braver.

I mustered my strength and pushed back on Edward's chest. He pulled away looking puzzled as to why I wanted to stop, but when I pushed again he got the hint. He rolled us over so that he was on his back and I was lying on my side next to him, half stretched out on top of him. I started rubbing small circles into his chest between his heart and his nipple, dipping my hand lower with each round before I felt it harden under my touch.

Edward's hiss of pleasure only spurred me on. If I could get so much pleasure just from him touching me then hopefully it would be the same for him.

My leg slid down his and back up as I tried to pull myself closer, but I hadn't imagined the delicious friction it would cause, and I bit back my smirk as Edward full out groaned. I hummed in pleasure as I started pressing kisses to his chest, not knowing what else to do as his hand closed over mine, stopping what I had been doing.

"Bella, please tell me you're awake." What the hell was he talking about? I was lying here trying to make him feel good and he thought I was fucking sleeping, was this doing nothing for him?

When I looked down and noticed the exact effect I was having on him I moaned his name, no longer embarrassed by the sounds I was making. I could see the definite outline of him through his boxers and it made me lick my lips.

The thought had never crossed my mind before, but right at that minute in time I wanted nothing more than to pleasure him and bring him to release.

I felt momentarily disorientated as I opened my eyes, not remembering having shut them, but I blushed as I saw what I had been ogling only moments before. Something in the back of my mind told me I had been dreaming because I was no longer in the same position, but everything seemed the same.

I froze as Edward's breathing filtered into my brain. He sounded like he had just run a marathon, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. My face flamed even more when I realized it _had_ been a dream. I had been nothing short of grinding on him, and he was fucking awake.

Wait, he had let me do that to him. He had made no move to wake me up - and he had clearly enjoyed it. Maybe I could carry on anyway. I wanted this. I hadn't just been dreaming up this feeling, I wanted to make him feel good, and now seemed like my best opportunity.

I flexed my fingers under his and his grip disappeared instantly. I guess now he knew I was awake. I tilted my head to the side and placed a kiss on his chest through his t-shirt, hearing him hiss.

"Fuck, Bella, you have to stop." His voice raspy with sleep instantly turned me on. I knew _we_ couldn't do anything, but _I_ could do something to _him_. There was nothing in the "post-surgery rules" against that.

I shook my head against his chest before I looked up to him. His eyes were trained on me, hooded with lust, and his face was slightly flushed. Combined with the bed hair he was sporting and the way he licked his lips, I was gone. I pulled myself further up his body and headed in for a kiss.

His lips were warm and moved with mine hungrily and greedily, this was more passionate than we had ever been. His breathing became ragged and his kisses slowed so that he could find more oxygen as I started to move my hand down his chest. I brushed my fingers along the bottom edge of his t-shirt before grasping it and tugging it up over his chest.

He pulled it over his head himself before resting back on the pillows with his left arm tucked under his head as his right wrapped itself tighter around my body, bringing me even closer to his now uncovered chest.

He looked just as good as I remembered, only a little thinner, having probably stopped working out as much as he used to. Before I let that thought sadden me, I pressed a kiss to his stomach and reveled in the way his muscles contracted under my simple touch.

When my fingers brushed the waistband of his boxers, his hand flew out and grasped mine, stilling my movements.

"Bella, stop." I shook my head again and smiled as he groaned into my mouth. "You don't have to..." His voice was losing all conviction and I knew I was winning.

"I know...but I want to do this...for you..." I felt my face flame as his hand let go of its grip around my wrist.

He looked like he was about to say something, but his head dropped back to the pillow as my fingers came into contact with him. I sucked in a breath, knowing I had never done this before. I looked back to him and found him watching me closely.

"I've never...I don't..." I hid my face in his t-shirt, knowing I was just embarrassing myself. Way to ruin the moment.

"Just keep going...and look at me." His finger curled under my chin and lifted my gaze back to his. He had a point...I'd be able to tell if I was doing something wrong if I was watching him. Practice made perfect right?

I flexed my fingers, surprised that they came into contact with him again and he groaned as I splayed my fingers along his length. I had seen it before, knew how big he was, but I had never touched him like this.

He was so smooth, but hard at the same time, the contrast making him feel so much better. It was like I was running my hand over smooth marble that had small ridges running through it. I took a deep breath before I closed my hand over him, squeezing lightly, and happy that I was rewarded with the throatiest groan I had heard from him yet.

I could do this.

EPOV

Oh my fucking God. Bella Swan was fucking touching me. She had fucking wanted to and now there she was, lying looking all innocent and flushed as she worked me over with her hand. What the fuck had I done in a past life to deserve this?

I groaned for the hundredth time as she squeezed gently at the base before running her small hand back to the tip. This shit was going to be the death of me, but what a fucking way to go. When she fucking stuttered, saying she had never done it before, I felt like the luckiest fucker alive.

Sure, I knew she wasn't a virgin, but neither was I. But I was her first for this, and for some inane reason that fucking made my day. She had never done this to some other guy, and that thought helped me get a handle on my jealousy, because knowing she'd been in love with someone and had sex with him set me on edge. Even though I had no right because I was pretty damn sure I hadn't gone a whole summer without sleeping with my mystery girl.

I should have been fucking embarrassed for the loud fucking noises I was making, but she was making me feel so fucking good that I couldn't find it in me to care. The thought that her dad was only across the hall made me feel like a sick fucker for about two seconds before the danger of being caught made me fucking groan in pleasure again.

I was no longer looking at Bella, but I knew she hadn't moved from her position. My head was thrashing back and forth on the pillow, and my eyes rolled to the back of the head, concentrating on the feelings she was evoking in me.

So concentrated in fact that I didn't even fucking notice her move until she was grasping at the waistband of my shorts and tugging gently to remove them from my body.

My eyes snapped open, and I found her kneeling between my legs, biting her fucking lip as she worked the material off.

"Bella!" I half groaned half hissed, and she fucking smiled at me, all coy, making me impossibly harder. What the fuck was this girl doing to me?

I fucking knew what she was doing, but before my fuzzy brain could react she had bent over and fucking taken me into her mouth.

"Ah!" She was so hot that I literally thought I was going to start fucking combusting from the dick up. Nothing had ever felt like this before, it wasn't my fucking first blowjob, but it was by far the best and she hadn't even fucking done it before.

She grasped the base tightly in her hand as she worked over the top of me with her tongue. I couldn't take my fucking eyes off her. She literally looked like she was just fucking enjoying an ice-cream or some shit, and I groaned as she licked the tip and swirled her tongue around my whole head.

I watched with fucking rapt interest as her head bobbed up and down and thought that it was the most erotic thing I had ever seen in my life. I would be fucking jacking off to this for years. I resisted the urge to tangle my hands in her hair and do it for her because I knew it would make her uncomfortable, instead settling on gripping the sheets. My grip became so tight I wouldn't have been surprised if there was a fucking hole in them

The second her teeth grazed up my length as she pulled back I knew I was fucking done.

"Bella, shit, move I'm..." She batted away my hands and I could only watch as she sucked me harder, bringing my orgasm on even quicker.

I continued with the incoherent noises until I was spilling out, yelling her name as she fucking drank me in. I take my previous statement back,_ that_ was the fucking hottest thing I had ever seen. No one had ever done that to me, and I was pretty sure there was a look not unlike awe on my face as she cleaned herself off on a towel before coming back to the bed and handing it to me.

I wiped myself off quickly and balled the towel up before throwing it to the floor and pulling my boxers up, knowing Bella was watching me. When I turned back to look at her she was fucking biting her lip again and looked up at me surprised when I groaned. What the fuck was I supposed to say? I literally had no words for this moment that could express even half of what I was currently feeling.

"Was that...I mean was I..." Fuck, she wasn't seriously asking me that was she?

"Fuck, Bella, that was phenomenal...no one has ever, you know...finished like you...I can't even...fuck!" I scraped my hand through my hair, but was glad to see that she was smiling at me. "Come here?" I held my arms out to her as I rested my back against the headboard.

She crawled into my embrace without hesitation and I wrapped my arms more securely around her waist. Her scent enveloped me, and I was fucking shocked to notice I had to battle the urge to get hard again. Fuck, that had never happened to me either. She _was_ going to fucking kill me. I was perpetually hard around this girl and it couldn't be fucking healthy.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what brought that on?" What the fuck constituted pillow talk? My head was still reeling from the wake-up call I just received, but she deserved more than silence.

"I wanted to do something for you and we can't...you know..." I felt rather than saw her face flame from her blush as her head rested on my naked chest.

"I...fuck...thank you, love. That was the best way I've ever been woken up, for sure." I pressed a kiss to her temple and just fucking held her to me, never wanting to move.

Bella's POV

My breath caught in my throat, and I was surprised Edward hadn't heard it. He had just called me "love" and I wasn't sure he had even realized he had done it.

His words saddened me more than he intended, striking a nerve I had tried hard to bury. He couldn't remember if he had ever had a better wake-up cal,l so how could he really mean what he said? There was a nagging thought in my head that had no right to be there, was what he said a lie? Did it constitute that way?

I shook my head slightly, trying to rid myself of those thoughts. I was the only one lying here, living a lie. He had been more than honest with me about his memories and his fears of starting something with me when there had obviously been someone else. He was a good guy through and through. No one else would be worrying about someone he couldn't remember.

That was where it got really confusing. The person he was worried about, the person he thought he was being an asshole to, was me. I was the one he thought he had abandoned and moved on from. I was the one he had moved on _with_. You couldn't make this shit up.

I hugged myself closer to him, trying to banish the insecurities that were overwhelming me, and sighed contentedly when he pressed another kiss to my head. However, there was a rising fear in the back of my mind as we lay, wound up in each other.

Every other time we had been intimate, he had remembered something. Not a lot and nothing specific, but it had happened none-the-less. I was lying there waiting for it to happen again, and wondering whether it was a good idea to talk it through with him or not. I opted for the former, hoping that a semblance of honesty would calm the guilt inside.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"Is there like a pattern to your memories? Like a trigger?" I held my breath as I felt his body tense underneath me; I guess this wasn't what he wanted to talk about.

"Never mind, forget I asked..." I pulled away from him, pushing myself up off the mattress and swinging my legs over the edge until my feet were planted on the carpet. There was no sound from his side of the room so I stood, raking my hand through my disheveled hair. However, as I turned, he was standing facing me at the foot of the bed.

"Why do you want to know?" I sank to the bed again knowing he was angry. I could read the frustration and annoyance on his face, and my own flushed at the fact I had pissed him off.

"I just want to help...I didn't mean to make you angry..." I heard him sigh and felt my body start to hum as he moved closer to me, sitting himself on top of the wooden chest directly opposite me. The electricity flowed freely between us when he grasped both my hands in his, and we both sighed quietly at the calm it brought us.

"You could never make me angry, Bella...and you _are_ helping."

I wanted to hold onto his first statement and never let it go; would he remember what he had just said when he found out the truth?

He rested his forehead lightly on mine, but that wasn't close enough. I stretched my neck until my lips were against his, and I felt the tension evaporate from his body. His shoulders relaxed as he brought a hand up to the back of my neck and entwined his fingers in my hair.

Why did things have to be so perpetually fucked up? This was so right, but so wrong at the same time and both of us knew it. I wanted him so badly it hurt. No scratch that, I loved him so badly it hurt - and he didn't have a clue.

I pulled back, his soft and gentle touch only making me more confused. I rested my forehead against his again to tell him I wasn't running, and I listened as our breathing leveled out again.

While we sat quietly, a sudden though popped unbidden into my head. I couldn't control the giggle that escaped my mouth, clearly turning insane, and Edward looked at me in confusion.

"It's always when you kiss me, right? Maybe you shouldn't stop..."

What had started as a funny thought soon turned into something too painful to think about. There was a chance that once he found out I had lied to him all of this _would_ stop. This would be all I would get from him. Maybe I should be making the most of it.

His chuckled brought me out of my reverie. "That's not entirely true..."

I racked my brain, trying to remember when he had had a memory and came up blank. That meant he had remembered something in our time apart. That was a good thing right? So then why was my heart thundering in my chest with nerves?

"When I punched the mirror?" He held up his bandaged hand and I took it in both of mine, running my fingers gently across his knuckles.

"I had a flashback of the night I left Chicago...I had fallen out with my parents, that much was obvious, but it wasn't before I went to New York. It was after because I was going to find this girl. I've never been that spontaneous before...I just packed a bag, got in the car and started driving, and I remember thinking it was going to be a really long drive...That I was coming west, but I don't know where I was going. At least I know she lives in the west, right?" I watched as his face contorted into something close to pain, only it wasn't.

EPOV

_"It's in one of the boxes in the corner, Edward...should be near the top!" Mom's voice floated down the short flight of stairs to me as I flicked on the basement light. How the fuck was I supposed to find one box in a corner full of them when they all looked the fucking same?_

_Why where there so many boxes down here anyway? We had always lived in this house, and yet it looked like we hadn't finished unpacking. Granted, the things we used once a year, like the fucking occasion table shit I was searching for, were not in cardboard boxes, instead housed in ones you would see used as storage in a home magazine._

_With that train of thought at the front of my mind, I was surprised to see a shoebox buried at the back, out of sight, or would have been if the ones surrounding it hadn't fallen over. I guess like it always does in a situation like that - curiosity got the better of me - and I dug it out, not caring that I was going to have to re-pile everything._

_The lid had been taped on more than once and I nearly put it back before I noticed it had all been cut through recently and not re-taped. The corners were bashed in, but for something that was no doubt years old, its condition was surprising. The fact that there wasn't a coating of dust like the rest of the boxes told me it had been looked in recently._

_When I lifted the lid, I was only greeted with a pile of paperwork and my hopes of finding something worthwhile deflated. But as I looked properly, I saw photos sticking out of the pile, too._

_In most of them, a statuesque man, in his early twenties, sharp suit and striking features, who when I looked at him, gave me a chill down my spine. He was only smiling in a few of them, and in them he was with Esme, either sitting at a table, standing side by side, or one of the two of them outside the family vacation home in Tahoe._

_I felt like I was intruding on something too private as I took them in. They were happy, beyond what it felt like to be with a friend. I was scared to admit to myself that they looked like they were in love. But then I rationalized with myself, it wasn't unusual that Esme was with someone before Carlisle, how often was it that someone married the first person they were with? I shivered in repulsion at the thought of settling down with Tanya. That shit just wasn't gonna happen._

That was by far the least insightful flashback I had had. So I learned that Tanya actually meant very little to me, who the fuck cared about that? Least I could narrow my "mysterious girl" search down and rule Tanya fucking Denali out.

I furrowed my brow in confusion and immediately Bella's little hand was raised and her fingers were smoothing out the worry lines that were no doubt etched across my forehead. At her simple touch, I felt my whole body relax, and I opened my eyes with a small smile on my lips.

"I'm okay...it was nothing."

She seemed confused for a moment and looked like she wanted to say something. I watched as she tried to find the words, then give up, and look at me with a smile.

"I want to make you breakfast..." She laughed lightly at her plan before she got up from the bed and headed to her mirror.

"Bella, I'm not supposed to be here, remember?" She shrugged at me via her reflection as she threw her hair up into a messy bun and turned back to me.

"I want you here...I don't want you to leave yet...I can't..." All her semblance of being in control crumbled before me, and I was up and at her side in two strides. I gathered her into my arms, loving the feel of her tucked safely into me.

"I'm right here, remember?" I felt her nod into my chest and hoped that she was reading between the lines with the phrase that I had been plying her with for the past twelve hours.

I couldn't explain it and I didn't want to know if she could or not. These feelings were new to me and so much more intense than I could ever have imagined. Even though I knew these feelings weren't new, they were all I had. Bella was all I had, and I'd be damned if I was fucking this up again.

"How 'bout I climb back down the tree and ring the doorbell like a real boyfriend should?" Fuck that slipped out before I realized I was saying it. I closed my eyes and waited for her to pull back laughing at me, but as usual she contradicted me.

"Charlie loves you already, Edward...Who are you trying to impress?" She cocked an eyebrow at me and fuck if it wasn't the sexiest thing I had seen. No, her going down on me was definitely tied.

"I want to do this right..." The incredulous look on her face made me conscious of having said something wrong, and when she laughed I felt crushed.

"Edward, we've hardly been conventional thus far have we?" I smiled at her point well made. Her breathing stopped altogether when I dropped to my knee in front of her.

_You look like your fucking proposing to her you freak. _

_I wish. _

_Wait, what? _

_Why was I so happy at the thought of proposing to Bella? I could see it so clearly in my head. Give it five or so years, give her all the best things in life, make her the happiest she could ever be, take her away to some romantic location and pop the question. _

_Spending the rest of my life with Bella should have been freaking me the fuck out, but it wasn't. Instead, it was bringing with it a sense of being complete. Coming home to Bella...I already knew what that felt like. She was home._

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "Bella?"

She was biting her lip and looking altogether too captivating for her own good as I looked up at her from the floor. She flushed as I took her hand and flashed her a grin, making me smile wider knowing the effect I was having on her.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" She hadn't opposed to my slip up earlier so here I was branching out again. Relationships had to be worked on, so to catch up and be "conventional," I was going to have to work a little harder.

She nodded her head as I stood up and I leaned in to capture her lips with mine. She was still biting it when I pressed my mouth against hers, and I became concerned when that didn't change. Fuck, what had I done wrong now? I pulled away and noticed with a panic that there were tears streaking down her cheeks. She was biting her lip to keep her outburst in. Fuck.

"Bella, shit, I'm sorry...I'll back off. Please, I didn't mean to make you cry..." Her eyes moved up to mine as I towered over her and her brow furrowed. Now she was confused – seriously, what the fuck was going on in that head of hers? "Please don't cry...I can't see you upset..."

She launched herself into my arms, causing me to take a step back to accommodate her strength.

"I'm so sorry. I'm a mess. I'm sorry." She was chanting constantly into my shoulder as I held her to me once again.

"Shh, Bella, it's okay. I thought we could...it doesn't matter." I sighed gently and groaned when she pulled away from me. I couldn't fucking catch a break here.

"No! I will...yes, I'll be your girlfriend..." She smiled through her tears, and I swear she could have heard the way my heart beat changed dramatically in my chest at the words rolling off her tongue.

I smiled back at her before I lowered my head slowly, giving her time to realize what I was doing, but this time she fisted her hands in the hair at the nape of my neck and pulled me to her with all her strength. I groaned as her tongue met mine and they tangled together languidly I didn't care who was leading whom, I was kissing her. That was all the fuck that mattered.

"l lo...I want to make you breakfast." My wishful thinking had me hearing things that weren't being said. I was sure she was about to say something else, but her attitude made me think I had made it up so I brushed it off.

She watched with a small smile on her lips as I gathered my clothing from around her floor and slipped it on. Her eyes didn't even wander when I slipped my socks back on and laced up my black Converse, seemingly finding something interesting in me putting my clothes back on.

She giggled lightly as I pecked her on the cheek and said "I'll miss you," and I smiled at myself for the sound. She sounded so cute when she acted like that, and I vowed to make it happen more often. I was perched on the windowsill, my legs hanging over the edge when I remembered she was still recovering from surgery. How the fuck had it only been a week?

"Will you be okay getting down the stairs?" She nodded and blew me a kiss, which made me smile like a fucking girl, but you wouldn't find me caring as I hauled myself onto the branch and managed to climb my way down with minimal damage to my clothing. Practice did make fucking perfect.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time and noted with surprise that it was nearing nine. I was still under the tree when I heard the distinct sound of a car door closing. Not having heard a car's engine I deduced that it had already been there when I climbed down.

That thought didn't bother me until I looked up and saw who it was. The face didn't register, but the way he was looking at me made me think he already knew who I was. His black SUV was shining behind him as he pressed the fob and it flashed as it locked, and I tried to come up with why he was making me feel so uneasy.

Was it simply the fact that he was parked in Bella's driveway? Or the fact that he was in fact male and around my age? Or indeed the fact that he was carrying a brown paper bag from the bakery, obviously containing breakfast, and he was obviously here to visit Bella. Was I jealous?

He was looking at me with narrowed eyes as I made my way across to him, cementing my theory that he had watched my climb out of Bella's window. The part of me that wanted a claim on Bella smirked inwardly, but I had to squash it before I reached him. Introducing myself was the only way I was going to be able to rid myself of the queasy feeling in my stomach that this was Jacob.

"Hey, man! Edward Cullen." I held my hand out to him and watched in amusement as he tried to hide the shock on his features that I was even bothering to be so polite to him.

"Jacob Black..."

Fuck! An irrational anger built up inside me at those two words. Yes, I was jealous. In the chaos of the past day, Bella and I hadn't exactly gotten around to the Jake conversation. His voice rang out almost immediately when I took a step towards the front door.

"Uh...weren't you just leaving?" I turned with a smirk on my face, conveying that I knew he knew I had spent the night in Bella's room. Call me an asshole, I didn't fucking care. This guy needed to know what wasn't his.

"No...It was a long night, Bella's making breakfast..." I turned to hide my smile this time as his jaw went slack at my admission. He was making this far too easy. If I had been him, I wouldn't have shown my emotions so easily.

As I walked to the door and pressed the bell, knowing Jake hadn't moved from his spot beside his car, I couldn't help but think.

_This was going to be easy._

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Sooo what do we think? Beyond happy? Pissed? Excited? Bored? Lemmie know! I wanna know! :P**

**Please don't forget that all things Forget Me Not are up on my blog over on www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

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**See y'all there :) **


	21. Breakfast Best Served Cold

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**It's been a week! I think that says it all! This chapter was very hard for me to write and I'm afraid to say there are definite signs of writer's block kicking in :(**

**I know most of y'all will hate me again by the end of this and I apologize but I finally know where this story is going and if y'all don't like it then...meh :)**

**All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer but all characterisations and plot lines of ForgetMeNot are copyrighted of LiveInDakota 2010**

**I really do hope y'all enjoy :)  
**

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Chapter Twenty One: Breakfast Best Served Cold...

Every night I go  
Every night I go sneakin' out the door  
I lie a little more  
Baby I'm a helpless

There's something 'bout the night  
And the way it hides all the things I like  
Little black butterflies  
Deep inside me...

What would my mama do?  
[Uh oh, uh oh]  
If she knew 'bout me and you  
[Uh oh, uh oh]  
What would my daddy say?  
[Uh oh, uh oh]  
If he saw me hurt this way  
Uh oh, uh oh

Why should I feel ashamed?  
Feeling guilty at the mention of your name...  
Here we are again  
It's nearly perfect

What would my mama do?  
[Uh oh, uh oh]  
If she knew 'bout me and you  
[Uh oh, uh oh]  
What would my daddy say?  
[Uh oh, uh oh]  
If he saw me hurt this way  
Uh oh, uh oh

All the things a girl should know  
Are the things she can't control  
All the things a girl should know  
She can't control

What would my mama do?

What would my daddy say?

What would my mama do?  
[Uh oh, uh oh]  
If she knew 'bout me and you  
[Uh oh, uh oh]  
What would my daddy say?  
[Uh oh, uh oh]  
If he saw me hurt this way  
Uh oh, uh oh  
Uh oh, uh oh  
Uh oh, uh oh  
Uh oh, uh oh

_Mama Do - Pixie Lott_

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Bella's POV: Now

I watched with a small smile on my lips as Edward disappeared out of my window, all apprehension gone, knowing he could handle a simple tree.

I dashed as quickly as I could to the bathroom and freshened myself up a bit. When I opened the door, Charlie was coming out of his room, already washed, shaved, and dressed for the day. I felt myself go pale at the thought that Charlie had been out of bed this morning...while Edward was still in the house.

However, he only tossed a "morning, Bells" over his shoulder before he descended the stairs with me behind him. He waited patiently at the bottom, probably trying to gauge if I was going to tumble down them or not, before disappearing into the kitchen.

"Dad, are you off today?" Charlie turned his attention away from the coffee pot and shook his head.

"Why, kiddo?"

"Have you got time for breakfast?" He nodded his head before turning back to the coffee, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard.

I was getting confused as I got out the pans and set them on the top of the stove. Why hadn't Edward rung the bell yet? Had he fallen from the tree? Walked off? My mind was whirring with thoughts of what could have happened to him when the bell finally did ring. I jumped; startled out of my thoughts by the sound before I told Charlie I would get it.

I opened the door with a permanent smile on my face and blushed at the way Edward looked me over. I was well aware that I had changed, but I was barely making an effort. At this point, I knew Edward didn't care what I wore or how I looked, and yes, it had taken me nine months to figure that out.

"Breakfast?" My voice was a breathy whisper when I eventually found it. Edward looked entirely too good for wearing yesterday's clothes and having just crawled out of bed.

"Absolutely, I'm famished!" I giggled lightly as I stepped aside, breathing deeply as he brushed past me, deliberately touching me more than was necessary.

He put one arm around me and pressed a kiss to my temple before stepping away again. It was such a quick action, and I was wondering behind his reason until I noticed we weren't alone.

"Jake?" I suddenly felt unbelievably self-conscious as I took in Jacob, striding up the path towards the door. His dark wash jeans fit perfectly over his brown leather casual shoes, his white t-shirt clinging to the mass of muscles that made up his stomach and chest, and his dark brown leather jacket looking altogether too good. I was surrounded by unnaturally handsome guys.

His beaming smile that always made him look years younger had me smiling in return and once again jumping into his arms as he stopped in front of me. Things with Jake were always easier. Something about his boyish grin and silly sense of humor nearly always had me forgetting everything else and feeling the age I actually was.

"Morning, Bells. You look terrible!" His warm laugh rumbled through his body, vibrating through me as I hugged myself into his never wavering heat.

"Sh'up, Jake..." I snuggled myself closer to him as he set my feet on the ground, smiling as his arms stayed around me.

"Well, I brought food to fatten up your skinny ass...only the best of course, but it seems I've picked the wrong morning..." Jake pulled away from me, his eyes flitting up and down my body, but not in a predatory way like I was used to with Edward - he was simply emphasizing his point.

It didn't occur to me until he mentioned the wrong morning that Edward was witnessing our reunion. I turned to find him openly scowling, an expression that didn't even fall from his face when he looked at me. He was pissed.

I shrank away from his gaze, and while he seemed to realize how he had made me feel, he didn't soften it as he used to. Jake noticed the sudden tension in my body and squeezed my hand in his overly large one, trying to make me feel better. It only served to make things worse when Edward's eyes flew to the gesture.

"Bells? Who's at the door?" Charlie broke us all out of our "moment" without even realizing it. This wasn't how this morning was supposed to go. I was fairly certain Charlie wouldn't be happy at the reappearance of Edward. I may have told Edward he didn't need to worry about my dad, but Charlie was still wary of the fight we'd had.

"What's he doing here?" he asked gruffly, his eyes settling on Edward first.

Bingo. Jake's head moved between the three of us, and Edward looked at me before flicking his gaze nervously to my dad.

See, this should have been the way things started.

"I invited him, Dad. We sorted everything out, remember?" Charlie's eyes locked with mine and must have found the sincerity and hope I was trying to convey. He nodded his head, his eyes landing on the guy holding my hand. This would have confused even me if I'd walked in on it.

"Jake! It's good to see you again, son!" If it was possible, Edward's scowl grew more pronounced. Had he been hoping Charlie wouldn't like Jake as much? There was a fat chance of that happening.

"Chief! I brought our Bells here some breakfast, but there's not enough here for all of us..." He was trying to be nice, but I could see from where I was standing that Edward was getting angrier instead of calmer.

"Jake, can you put that out in the kitchen? Edward and I need to talk." Three sets of surprised eyes flicked to me, but I stood my ground, smug that I could keep my blush at bay.

"Sure thing, Bells." He squeezed my hand once more before following Charlie into the kitchen, asking him politely about what he had been up to at work recently.

With the two voices steady in the kitchen, I could hear Edward's breathing as he tried to battle his anger. With the door still open, I motioned him outside and followed him out onto the porch.

"Edward, why are you so angry?" I didn't get why he was so worked up about breakfast with Jake, he could have the rest of the day with me if he wanted - it was a Saturday after all.

"I guess I forgot about your boyfriend..." His words wouldn't have had made much of an impact if it hadn't been the way he spat them at me. I cringed away from his disgust, confused as to how he could even think Jake was my boyfriend after the past ten days we had had.

"Edward, he's not..."

"Save it, Bella...You could have waited until I had left instead of rubbing it in my face!" The incredulous look on my face only fueled his rant. "He was fucking all over you! And you didn't even stop him! Finding it hard to choose between us or something? I'll just keep them both?" His fists were clenching and unclenching at his sides, the veins on his neck and forehead becoming more and more prominent. Edward was actually scaring me.

"Is that what you think?" My voice was tiny compared to his, but I don't think my fear even registered with him.

"Fuck what I think, Bella. I know what I fucking saw!" He pointed his finger roughly in the direction of the kitchen through the house, but I was barely registering it. I had thought that morning had meant something, but if he was standing there, honestly believing that I was still with Jake then it clearly meant less to him.

"Do you know what? Jake was there! He was there when you...when no one else was! If you have a problem with that you can leave, Edward, because I'm sick of you acting like such an asshole!" His eyes widened momentarily at the cold seeping from my voice, and the way I was actually shouting at him. Yeah, I was fucking surprised too, but I was also pissed off.

"Wait...you're choosing him?" His voice changed to one of disbelief, all anger gone - in its place the insecurities he was hiding behind it.

"Right now? Yeah, I guess I am, 'cause there's clearly some shit you need to work through!" I turned and opened the door before Edward spoke.

"Me? What the fuck, Bella? Bella?"

"No, Edward, go home. You're scaring me right now. Maybe by the end of the day you'll have figured out that I never chose him..._ever_..."

He looked terrified himself when I told him he had scared me, but it soon morphed to confusion. Yeah, it wouldn't make sense to me either if I couldn't remember our past, but I was beyond caring that I was saying too much. His memory couldn't come back quick enough, even if he never spoke to me again, at least he would freaking remember what it was like.

I closed the door behind me as the tears spilled over. How many times had I cried in the past two weeks? I had learned to show no emotion at all in the past four months and whenever Edward reappeared, it was as if the damn just broke.

Charlie found me sitting on the floor at the base of the door, trying to stop the tears before I made my way back into the kitchen. His feet appeared in my vision before his hand was on my arm, pulling me into a standing position and then into his arms.

"What is he doing to you?" His voice was soft and soothing, and exactly what I needed.

I snuggled myself into his chest, reveling in the fact that I had very rarely done this before. In that moment I realized just how much I had missed my dad, not knowing I even had until these past ten days. Edward returning had brought me my dad, and I was probably going to be forever grateful for that fact, whether Edward knew it or not.

"I love you, Daddy."

I felt like a little girl again, safe and cared for from the big bad world, taking refuge in my home and protected by my parents.

"Shh, Bells, I love you, too. More than anything, okay?" I nodded into his chest before pulling back and wiping furiously at my tears. "Right, enough of this mushiness. I need to get to work...You gonna be okay with, Jake?" I nodded and watched with a small smile as Charlie collected his "kit" from the cupboard and headed out to his car.

Jake's arms wrapped around me from behind and he rested his head on my shoulder. As I watched Charlie back out of the driveway, I thought about what Edward had said. It didn't feel like anything more than a friend comforting a friend, but how was I supposed to know if Jake felt the same way? Could Edward see something that I couldn't because he was a removed party? Or was he just jealous?

"Where's Edward?" I cringed as his warm breath fanned over my neck. This time last week I may have selfishly craved it, a month ago, I would have welcomed it, but now I knew how wrong it was.

"I have no idea..." I shivered at the thought. It scared me, and I couldn't figure out why. I only knew that I wanted him back standing beside me and smiling - in whatever form I could have him.

"How about we get some food into that skinny body of yours, eh?" I nodded silently and followed him into the kitchen, sitting myself down at the table and letting him set out the things he had brought. "Eat up!" He placed two waffles down on a plate in front of me before placing a bowl of strawberries and a pitcher of cream in the middle of the table.

He wouldn't know that the _muffins_ from the same bakery in town were my favorite, or that I wanted a caramel macchiato as my sugar fix. He hadn't spent enough time with me to figure that out. He didn't know that and still bring me them when he had lost his memory. He wasn't the guy I needed or even the one that knew me best, but I hoped I could keep Jake as a friend. There was always a warm feeling radiating from him, putting those around him at ease. Like he was the friendliest person alive and would astound anyone with his loyalty.

I smiled into my breakfast with a sad sigh; the walking contradiction that I was. We ate in silence, suiting me as it gave me ample time to think over my actions. Why had we started arguing in the first place? Why had Edward snapped so easily when only the day before he had astounded me with the way he had calmed himself down?

I was very briefly happy that Edward felt so much as to get so jealous, but it didn't quell the loneliness I felt, sitting at my kitchen table with the wrong guy.

"You wanna talk about it?" Jake was standing by the sink, drying his hands on the towel with his back leaning against the counter. As I looked past him, I noticed he had already washed the dishes we had used and stacked them on the draining board. How long had I been out of it this time?

I shook my head, avoiding his eyes as I stood from the table and tucked my chair back under it. Where was Edward? Where would he have gone? What was he thinking about? How was he feeling? I hoped he had calmed enough to think straight because I knew as well as anyone that he wouldn't make it home in one piece if he were still angry.

"Do you want me to leave?" I shook my head again, realizing I had to make up my mind about what I wanted.

Jake stepped in front of me and held out his hand. I looked at it for a second before grabbing it and letting him help me up. He swept me into another warm hug in the middle of my kitchen, and I didn't think twice about letting myself melt into his heat and allow myself to feel comforted.

I was enveloped in his warmth, breathing in his scent, so different from Edwards yet so similar to both his and Jasper's. They all made me feel safe, loved and wanted.

I pressed my cheek to Jake's chest, chastising myself for even thinking what it would be like to be with him properly. I was in love with Edward. Again, I felt the overwhelming sadness at the weeks to come. Edward was going to remember, hate me and leave for Chicago, or he was never going to remember me, and whether he stayed here or went to Chicago, I wasn't sure I could live with it.

I pulled back slightly and angled my head up so that I could look at Jake's face. His smile was small but friendly, and his honey-brown eyes roamed over my face. I blushed slightly as his gaze fell on my lips more often than any other part of my face, but I squashed it as soon as it bloomed.

What would it have been like if I had never met Edward? He wouldn't have ruined every other guy for me. What would it have been like if I'd met Jake in our own time? This moment would have come so much sooner.

I had kissed Jake before, hell, we had made out more times than Edward and I had in the past two weeks. It had never given me the same thrill or goosebumps, but Jake liked me and I liked him. This kiss was going to be different. I worked it all out in my head as his eyes darkened above me. It would be a goodbye if I felt nothing, but a promise for more if I found that this was the choice I did want to make. I didn't hold my breath though; Edward was always top of the list.

I stepped up onto my tiptoes slowly, locking my eyes onto Jakes. The guilt that I was even contemplating this was crushing me, but I rationalized it by telling myself this was for Edward and I. How could I honestly make the choice if I never knew what I was choosing between? Everything that was screaming at me that I was cheating on Edward blew up in my head when Jake pressed his lips to mine.

It was tentative; he was asking me if I was sure, puzzled as to why this was happening when he knew Edward had been here. I pulled myself closer in answer, and he groaned lowly as I pressed my body closer, winding my fingers into his floppy hair.

Any sound from Edward usually had me aching with need and satisfaction, but as Jake deepened our kiss, holding me into his warm body, I felt nothing. I was confused at the disappointment I felt, hadn't I wanted to feel nothing?

As Jake kept us together, kissing slowly, I realized why I was disappointed. I wanted Edward, and that meant I wanted him with all the fucked-up shit we had to go through. I loved him and wanted to stay with him, and with that, I knew I was setting myself up for more heartache than I was sure I could handle. Jake was the safe choice here, but I didn't want to make it.

I pulled back abruptly, stepping away from Jake's embrace, putting a healthy distance between us as I tried to pull myself out of my own thoughts. I didn't look at him, deliberately keeping my eyes fixed on other things around the kitchen as I started to shake my head.

I shouldn't have done that. Surely, there had been another way to figure it out. However, I had to be sure. I had known before, but now I knew for certain.

I cheated on Edward. I kissed another guy hardly an hour after I kicked him out of my house for being jealous of said guy. There was no coming back from this. What the fuck had I done?

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry..." I sank back down into the chair I had not long vacated, shaking my head in disbelief at what I had talked myself into.

"Well, that's not exactly the response a guy wants, but okay..." I looked up at him, and although he was smirking, I could tell he was annoyed.

"No, I mean, for making you into the bad guy...Edward will kill you if he finds out...which he has to because I have to tell him...I wanted to kiss you, but now I wish I hadn't, you know?" I was rambling and I knew it.

"Can you answer me something, Bells?" Jake pulled a chair across the floor and sat in it, close enough that his knees were touching mine. I nodded my head, wondering what he was going to ask.

"Why did you kiss me?" It was a simple enough question, but the look in his eyes told me he wasn't going to settle for something less than the complicated truth.

"I wanted to make sure I was making the right choice..." He nodded and smiled sadly at me before standing up and placing the chair back where he had taken it from.

"Guess it's not me, eh?" I hoped the sincerity in my apologies was written across my face because I had no idea what to say to him.

"I'm sorry, Jake."

He crouched down in front of me and gripped my hand in his.

"Don't be...I enjoyed it and I'm glad you at least tried...Edward's a lucky guy." His smile wasn't covering anything this time, and the friendliness behind it made my eyes water.

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and brought me to him in a hug I was in desperate need of. I could sense straight away, though, that the arms I needed held by didn't belong to Jake. Why couldn't it have been that easy before?

I walked him out as he left, gnawing my lip as I went over every possible outcome to me telling Edward about our kiss - none of which were very pretty.

As I stepped out onto the porch for what felt like the hundredth time that morning, I noticed Rose's BMW pulling into the driveway. With one last warm hug, Jake left, saying he had someone he had to go and see and that I should wish him luck. He wouldn't tell me who, though - even when I pouted.

Rose was climbing the three steps up to where I was standing as Jake's car pulled back out onto the road. He honked his horn and both of us gave him a small wave before he disappeared out of sight. He was going the wrong way to be going home, though, so whomever he had to visit didn't live in La Push.

"Bella?" Rose's voice brought me out of my thought crazed haze, and I turned from where Jake's car had vanished to see her looking at me, concern etched across her face.

I stepped towards her and threw my arms around her shoulders in barely a blink. This was the one moment I needed a female the most and Rose just happened to be here. I had treated her so badly over the previous week, and I felt a resounding guilt at my actions.

"I'm so sorry about how I acted...I was such a cow."

She giggled lightly before pulling away and steering me into the living room.

"Bella, honey, it's fine. I guess I can see where you were coming from, I know you were just angry." She was looking at me sympathetically, and in that moment I knew.

"You knew, didn't you?" I couldn't help the way my eyes narrowed at her causing her to hold her hands up.

"Not about the Lauren thing, no! I would have told you sooner if I'd known, Bells...but I did know about Chicago." My gaze softened considerably, my anger locked back in the "for Jasper" box.

We sat on opposite sides of the sofa, making our way steadily through the tub of ice cream and packet of cookies Rose had brought with her. She told me all about her date, describing how sweet and attentive Emmett had been all night and that she thought she was falling for him.

I asked her how she knew, and listened intently as she described the way she felt when he was around and the things he did for her. I found solace in the fact that I could liken myself to almost everything we talked about. The way I felt about Edward was a hundred times more powerful than anything Rose could put into words.

"You wanna tell me why you looked like someone had run over your puppy when I got here?" We had been sitting quietly for a few minutes, having laughed hysterically over the way Emmett had acted about her cars.

Apparently, he looked like he was close to drooling when she showed him her garage at home. Her parents were relatively well off, but she made a deal with them when she was only fifteen that any money she made from washing and fixing cars would go into her garage. Her dad walled off a section of the eight car garage adjoining their house, and it had been Rose's ever since - to bring her business home.

"I fucked up so badly..." Her perfectly groomed eyebrow arched above her eye, silently asking me to elaborate. "I kissed Jake..." Other than the way her face paled slightly and her eyes widened momentarily before she composed herself, she gave no other insight into how she was feeling about that piece of information.

"Why, Bella? I thought you guys sorted everything out?" I nodded sadly because we had, in a manner of speaking. We had a shit load else to talk about, but things had been going well.

"We got into an argument this morning because he was jealous over Jake...he kept saying that I was rubbing my relationship with Jake in his face. He basically implied I was actually going out with Jake while I had been with him."

"What the fuck? Is that boy deranged?" I laughed once with a little humor at Rose's outburst, feeling lighter that she was, at that moment, siding with me.

"I didn't even invite him. Jake just showed up on the doorstep with breakfast. I only gave him a hug and Edward was so angry...I told him he was scaring me and to leave. I guess he thought I chose Jake after all." I sighed, raking my hands through my hair in frustration.

"But why did you go and kiss Jake?"

"I...I don't know...well I do...but I don't know if it'll make much sense..."

"Try me." She scooted closer on the sofa, knocking her knees against mine and mirroring my position.

"Things with Edward just always seem to hurt so much...I thought Jake would be better, like a safer choice? And I stupidly talked myself into thinking that I would never know if I had made the right decision unless I kissed Jake..."

"But you've made out with Jake before…"

"I know! It was like...in that moment...when nothing else was happening...I thought we might have like, a moment or something, .but there was nothing. All I could think about was Edward."

"I guess that's good then..." She scrunched up one side of her face, showing that even she wasn't sure. "Maybe things with Edward are so hard because it means that much more? Love isn't supposed to be easy, Bells. You have to fight every damn second for it."

I was surprised by the tone in Rose's voice, but the fact that she was right overshadowed everything else. How could I have been so stupid?

"I love him so much..." Her eyebrows rose in disbelief before she smiled warmly. I had forgotten that Rose knew nothing about New York and that she didn't have the background to "us" at all.

"Emmett told me about Edward, Bells .I'm sorry he doesn't remember you." The shock must have shown on my face because she laughed lightly at my reaction. Maybe they were closer than I had originally thought.

"I lied to you," I answered randomly. I decided that all of it needed to be out in the open. I needed practice at talking it all through, and Rose was the best candidate.

"Bella, it's fine, I understand." She waved me off with a smile before reaching for another cookie.

"No, Rose. At the end of September, remember the days I took off school? I had the flu after going camping with Jasper?" She nodded her head, bewildered as to why I was bringing it up.

That had been my rouse. The camping trip was me being in the hospital and staying one day at Jasper's. The flu had been my way of not going to school for at least a week. I faked it to my parents, and used the time to recover in bed like the doctor had told me to.

"I didn't have the flu. I didn't even go camping, I...Rose, I was pregnant..." She gasped softly, not expecting news of that caliber, and I felt the tears threaten because I hadn't been expecting it at the time either.

"I had a miscarriage, and I lied to everyone! You, Mom, Dad. Jasper knew...he stayed with me, and his parents covered it all for us...I don't even know why they did it! I'm so sorry I didn't tell you." I was unwinding my legs so I could stand up, preparing myself for Rose's anger, thinking she would react the same way I had imagined Renee to.

"Oh my God, Bells!"

Before I could stand, she had gathered me into her arms, and we were rocking back and forth, both crying and hugging the shit out of each other. "I'm so sorry you went through that without someone, me, anyone female..." I cried harder, now knowing that she would have been there for me just as Jasper had been.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

She clasped me tighter, rubbing her hands up and down my back as I tried to calm my tears.

"You don't need to apologize, Bella! Sure, I wish you had told me so I could have been here, but I'm not angry at you." I felt all the tension leave my body at her statement.

"Oh my god! Edward! This is so messed up, how are you even staying sane with all this? Edward doesn't know he was going to be a father, you poor things."

If anyone else had said it, it would have sounded patronizing, but the sincere tones flowing through Rose's voice told me she was genuinely concerned for the situation I found myself in.

"I just want to tell him everything! But the doctor's said it could do more harm than good. But when he remembers he's going to hate me. I'm lying about so much I can't even remember what the truth is anymore."

She soothed me as I worked through my emotions, hugging me close and listening to all I had to say as I rid myself of everything that had been bubbling up to the surface.

"Rosie, what am I going to tell him about Jake? It's just another reason for him to hate me...maybe this time he'll give up, and I won't have to do it anymore..." She pulled back sharply, leaving my center of gravity way off as I tried to keep myself upright.

"That's why you did it!"

I furrowed my brows, genuinely not knowing what she was talking about.

"Why you kissed Jake again! You don't think you're good enough for Edward, so you're giving him all the reasons to listen to Alice and leave! Bella, you can't just give up!"

I shook my head at first, trying to tell her she was wrong, but what she said made sense. Maybe I hadn't rationalized it like that at the time, but now it all fit.

I continued shaking my head because I thought I was right, he _could_ do better than me. He could go home, start afresh with someone who has no secrets from him, and be able to trust them. What was a relationship without trust? I could stay here with Jake and be at least cared for, even if I didn't love him like I did Edward. Maybe I could learn and grow to love him just as much.

"Bella, stop! Stop thinking like that! I can see it all over your face." I flushed in embarrassment at being so easy to read and stared at the ice cream tub on the table.

"Maybe he will be angry at first, but that boy loves you, and deep down inside he knows that you were, and are, the one for him." I started to shake my head in protest, but she held up her hand to stop me interrupting. "I know he doesn't remember you, but he _will_, Bella. Emmett told me he's been remembering things and trying to piece them together. Edward keeps saying how alike you and the girl in his memories are, but he thinks it's his conscious mind putting that together. It won't be long until all of him catches up and realizes there never was anyone else for him."

I stared at her, the tears leaking slowly from my tear ducts, soaking up every word. She had just voiced the one actuality I had never dared to think about.

Every time I imagined him finally remembering, I had automatically thought he would hate me. I had never entertained the idea that he would piece it together before he actually remembered everything...maybe I could break him in slowly. Carlisle said it was my decision to tell him we knew each other or not. Maybe I could start with a basic "we met in New York," and just let his brain filter everything through to him. But did that come under "more harm than good?" I had no idea.

"I need to tell him about Jake..." I stood too quickly from the sofa and winced as the stitches pulled at my inside muscles. Rose placed her hand on my hip to steady me and we gathered our rubbish, dumping it in the bin in the kitchen.

"Do you know why Alice wants to go back to Chicago?" she asked.

I shrugged, not entirely sure of the situation.

"She ran out of here crying on Monday when I told her how angry Edward was going to be when he remembered everything. I guess she thinks if she takes him away from here, he'll remember things more slowly. But it's too late now. He already knows they moved him to Forks, going back to Chicago isn't going to change his anger towards why they did it when he figures it out..." I answered

Rose was worrying her bottom lip as I recounted my thoughts, looking uncharacteristically unsure.

"You don't want Emmett to leave, do you?" She shook her head and I laughed humorlessly. "Yeah, I know how you feel."

She smiled weakly, and I shook my head at how entwined everything had become in the past fortnight.

Fates and destinies were being written all around us, and one simple wrong move from one of us could break everything that had already been set. There was more than one person's anger, misery, happiness and trust on the line with this one.

I headed up the stairs for a shower, simultaneously wondering how it had gotten to four o'clock after Rose had arrived at twelve, and how it was still so early, the day having felt longer than most weeks in my past.

I felt some of my tension evaporate with the steam in the bathroom as I stood under the relentless spray of the hot shower. I imagined washing away every lie, every secret, and every wrongdoing as I washed every inch of my skin and hair.

I made the split decision as I was dressing not to phone Edward, but rather go and see him. This was yet another conversation that needed to be hashed out face-to-face, and plus, I wasn't entirely sure he would answer his phone when he saw me on caller ID.

I threw on a pair of loose fitting jeans and a navy blue t-shirt, covering it with my favorite dark-grey hooded top before scraping my hair back into a pony and shoving my feet into my Converse.

I was descending the stairs when I heard a car pulling up in front of the house. Rose must have thought it was Charlie, too, because she didn't move from her perch on the sofa where she was watching the news.

We both looked at each other when the doorbell rang; alerting us to the fact that it was a visitor. I grabbed my mom's car keys again and shoved some emergency money into my pocket before heading to the door. I would see who it was and get rid of them because I was set on getting to the Cullens'.

"Rose, I'm going to see Edward. Tell Charlie I don't know when I'll be home." I turned on my heel when she called back, and wrenched the door open, the second ringing of the bell having pissed me off. I hadn't taken that long to answer.

"No need for the trip, I guess..." Edward's voice was small and weak as he looked at me. The vacant expression in his eyes, and the lack of anger in his voice, scared me more than his temper ever had. He sounded and looked like he'd given up on everything.

But he couldn't have given up...otherwise, he wouldn't have come back. He wouldn't be standing on my doorstep, waiting to talk to me if he wasn't there to work things out - again. I refused to give space in my head to the other niggling thought on my brain.

_He's here to tell you he's leaving._

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Thoughts? Rants? Either is welcomed :)**

**Follow all the ForgetMeNot happenings on my blog at www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Or on twitter (at)LiveInDakota**

**xx**


	22. Deepest Recesses of the Mind

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Helloo dearests! Its not been a whole week! How happy are y'all :):)**

**Now I can safely say that A LOT of you HATE Bella! Like I've never had such a negative hateful feedback! I loves it :P Here we have EPOV! There's a LOT of dialogue in this bad boy but its all VERY important and there's a few things resolved toooo :):) Not Bella-ish things but equally as important things :):)**

**I do hope y'all like it :) It bothers me more when y'all don't like Edward :( Lol! Wee warning...Jake is in this one too :O What could he possibly have to say? And theres more Charlie...and Oh! There's more Emmett! Wooooooo :)**

**Anyways rant over! Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer but all characterisations and plot lines of Forget Me Not are copyrighted, LiveInDakota2010 so nooooooooo plagiarism or you will be reported!**

**Enjoy xx**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Two: Deepest Recesses of the Mind**

I, I don't know why I miss you so much  
Yeah I, I don't know why I still feel your touch  
You, you left me feeling high and dry  
With nothing, nothing but the question why

Yeah you, I guess you had another direction  
And leaving me with nothing but a dead connection

If you call me today, I'll say that I'm fine  
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice -  
It's just a lie -  
You knew what you had  
You still walked away leaving me in this mess  
My love for you is deep and meaningless

You, you knew what you were doing to me  
And I, I guess I was too blind to see  
Well you hit where it hurt and you fooled me so bad  
But I'd do it again to relive what we had  
Damn that's sad

There, are many things left to remind me  
Of a love that I just can't leave behind me

'Cause if you call me today, I'll say that I'm fine  
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice -  
It's just a lie -  
You knew what you had  
You still walked away leaving me in this mess  
My love for you is deep and meaningless

If you call me today, I'll say that I'm fine  
But I bet you can tell by the tone of my voice  
It's just a lie  
You knew what you had  
You still walked away leaving me in this mess  
My love for you is deep and meaningless

Yeah,  
My love for you is deep and meaningless

_Deep and Meaningless - Rooster_

* * *

EPOV

She chose him. I stood on her porch trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened. How had our argument even fucking started?

Yeah, I had been jealous. Shoot me; it wasn't a fucking crime. I thought I was fairly entitled to be jealous when another guy had his hands on my girl. Was that not something pretty reasonable to be jealous about? What the fuck had just happened?

I seriously felt like we were going around in circles. How many times had things gone from fuck-awesome to fucking unbelievable in five seconds? I was standing on the porch trying to get control of my anger and she just told me to fucking leave? What the fuck? She had already witnessed me get a grip on myself so I had thought she would at least give me the chance to do it again.

I stood looking at the door as if it would somehow spring open from my gaze. She had shut the door on me and gone to breakfast with Jacob Black. Even as I stood there, I had a hard time believing things were really as they seemed. If anyone knew not to take things at face value, it was me.

She had said I was scaring her. So she had told me to leave so that I could calm down. She was upset, again because of me, so I imagined her on the other side of the door, just as fucking confused as I was.

She had tried to look collected and calm the day before, but I could tell she was stressed and worrying about something constantly. It irked me that she felt she couldn't share whatever was bothering her, but she had promised me "one day," and I was fucking grasping onto that with all the strength I had. If I couldn't trust Bella, I couldn't trust anyone.

My brain knew she was hiding things from me, but unlike the feeling I got from my family, my heart told me she was genuine when she said she would eventually tell me. There was obviously a reason she was holding back, and at times I even thought she looked scared, like, whatever it was she had to say was so bad it would send me running.

Everyone knew that when it was that bad you had to fucking dread the day it came, but with Bella, everything was once again the wrong way around. I was fucking counting down the days until she was completely honest with me, and every morning I woke up I told myself that no matter how bad it was she was doing it for a reason.

However, I also knew my own temper, and if it really was that bad then I also knew I would fucking flip before I could control it. That meant that I would probably damage something beyond saving before I could even comprehend what I had done. That, scared me more than fucking anything, because I could potentially hurt her, and I honestly didn't think I would ever get passed that whether she forgave me or not.

This was the shit I had to talk myself through every day. I wanted nothing more than to share my thoughts with Bella, but if she knew the half of it, there was a chance she would never tell me; and although part of me didn't care about that, there was another, more prominent part that told me we would never be able to move on without it.

Like I said, we were going around in fucking circles, and I wasn't so stupid as to think everyone went through this. All the things we weren't talking about, all the lies and all the secrets, whether for each other's benefits or not were bringing us down quicker than we could battle back up.

Why the fuck had it taken her shutting the door in my face for me to realize this? She was hurting just as much, if not more, than I was. What the fuck was I supposed to do to help her if she couldn't tell me what was causing her so much pain?

I turned on my heel when I heard Charlie's voice on the other side of the door, and set off down the street. The time it would take me to walk home was ample enough to try to sort some shit out. I had to do something to show her I wasn't going anywhere, and I meant it. I wasn't moving back to Chicago, but I wasn't sure what I was going to have to do to make that happen.

There was nothing left in the big ole city for me. I wasn't selfish enough to believe that my family was completely happy here, of course they missed their lives and their friends, but I didn't have any of that any more, Forks had more for me than anywhere else on the planet right now, and it was Bella. She was the only thing I had for myself. Sure, she wasn't a possession, but the more I thought about it the more I realized; apart from my family, Bella was the only other person I had. If I didn't count my therapist of course. Oh, how I laugh.

A car rolling up beside me brought me out of my musings, and I looked up at the SUV purring quietly. With a groan, I noticed it was Charlie's. This was so not going to go well. He had stopped rolling completely, and I was standing with my hands in my pockets, guiltily staring at him through the open window.

"Son, get in the car, I'll take you home. I'm headed that way anyway."

Okay, that wasn't a bad start. But then maybe he was luring me in so that he could kill me and bury my body in the woods. Shit, it didn't look like he was going to take no for an answer either.

I hoisted myself into the front of the car and he waited patiently as I buckled myself in, before pulling away from the curb. I was wringing my hands in my lap, feeling the sweat begin to bead on the back of my neck. I was wondering when the hell something was going to happen, anything, when Charlie finally spoke up.

"I'm not going to kill you and stash your body, Edward. I'm just giving you a lift." He chuckled as if it was absurd. No need to tell him that's what I had actually been thinking. "She's really upset, you know...again. She's doing her best, son, just try and remember that." I groaned more audibly and whacked my head off the headrest, knowing he was right and knowing I was most definitely the cause of it, again.

"I know! There's just so much there...you know? So much that isn't being said, some of it I don't even think we can." I shrugged mostly to myself as I said the words aloud. It didn't escape my notice that I had spoken to Charlie more than my own father in the past two weeks. But then again, that wasn't exactly difficult. Even when we were trying harder, Carlisle and I barely spoke - as if he knew something I didn't.

I laughed to myself. Of course he knew something I didn't, everybody fucking knew what happened in my past, except me. Sometimes I even thought Bella somehow knew, like I was the only person missing the obvious, like it was all right there in front of me and I only had to piece it together.

_"Dude, you just need to put it all together."_

Emmett had seemed unusually wise the moment he had said that to me in the kitchen. Was he trying to help me? Finally sick of me not knowing that he was giving me hints? I both hoped and didn't. Yeah, it would mean I would probably be clued in quicker, but then it also meant that I was right about Bella lying. How would she know about last year anyway? Either we had met before or she had gone behind my back and spoken to my family. Fuck, no conclusion to the riddle of my life was a good one.

"I know it's not this easy, but maybe you both should just sit down and talk. I know for a fact that having things out in the open would help Bells. It's all the secrets that are hurting her inside; she's just scared that you'll hate her or something. Personally I don't think that's possible."

I snorted while I nodded my head in agreement.

"Seems like I'm the only one who doesn't know what's going on, Charlie, like everyone's in on the secrets and the lying. You can't know what that feels like."

He looked pensive as he stared at the road ahead of us. I willed him to say something that would help.

"I don't know much, Edward, only what Bella has finally told me. But I can say I know what it feels like to find out you've been lied to, we all react in different ways I suppose. That's what's frightening Bells, she honestly doesn't know what'll happen when the truth comes out. At least her truth. I'm sorry about what you're going through, and I'm sure you've heard this before, but if they're lying to you so extensively then, I, at least, would like to believe that they're doing it for your own good, son."

I nodded and pointed to the right, telling him where to turn.

"Bella says you're both getting on really well. I know she's missed you, but I'm not placing blame on anyone, it's not my place! I'm just thinking you must have reacted well if things are so good..." Someone should have passed me a bigger shovel to help dig my hole.

"No offense taken, don't worry. But it wasn't Bella I was talking about." When he glanced at me he noticed I had raised my eyebrows, but I wasn't sure it was any of my business.

"Renee, Bella's mom, she left us. Flew to New York the day Bella went into hospital. She didn't tell you?" All the blood drained from my face as Charlie pulled up in front of my house and threw the car into park. Fuck, how much was she going through that I had no idea about? I felt overwhelming guilty as I shook my head in answer.

"Don't worry about it, Edward. Like I said, maybe you just need to talk it all out?" He looked at me with nothing but hope etched across his face, and even with the unease settling in my stomach at the thought I nodded and gave him a tight-lipped smile.

"Thanks, Charlie."

We both knew I was thanking him for more than just the lift home. He nodded with a genuine smile on his face as I shut the door with a light thud and turned towards the house.

The house was strangely quiet as I opened the front door, knowing they were all undoubtedly in as all the cars were present. As my ears attuned to my surroundings I noticed the TV was paused on some "let's kill everything in the vicinity" game and someone was rummaging around in the kitchen. Emmett.

"The walk of shame suits you, bro!" I nearly laughed at his goofy smile and wink as he settled back into the living room before I remembered that walks of shame didn't usually occur after a massive fight and a lift home from your girlfriend's dad. Your girlfriend whom you're not even sure is your girlfriend as she was currently at home with her ex whom she never actually said she had broken up with. Yeah, fuck I was confused too.

The fact that he hadn't pressed play on his game and was looking at me expectantly as I sat down on the other sofa, told me he wasn't going to let it go so easily. No answers did not suit Emmett. So I did the smart thing, I got him talking about himself.

"How was your date last night?" I asked. I mirrored his smile as it broke across his face at the memories of his night. It was cool to see my big brother so happy. He had never had a serious girlfriend, maybe Rose would become just that.

"Bro, you have no idea! In fact...maybe you do. I literally feel like you right now!" He chuckled warmly, but I was confused. Why the hell would feeling like me be a good thing?

"Em, what are you talking about?" He cocked his eyebrow, but when he realized I honestly had no clue, he set his plate of around ten stacked sandwiches down and turned to look at me.

"The way you light up like a fucking Christmas tree when she walks into the room? Or how about the way your eyes fucking glow when you try to pretend even the sound of her name doesn't make you happy? The way you've smiled more since you met her than you have in the past five months? How angry you got when you realized she was angry with you because she thought you had fucked up? The way you thought your life was over when she stopped talking to you altogether? Or the way you worry constantly about her, wanting to make sure that she's okay? The list goes fucking on, bro..." My eyes widened a bit more as he rattled through his list. How the fuck had he noticed so much?

"I mean, I'm not in love with Rose or anything, but who knows? It might happen someday...and in some twisted way, I have you to thank for that, bro. We never would have moved here if Chicago hadn't been such a fuck up." The way he chuckled told me he meant nothing by it, and I smiled as he stared a hole in the bread in front of him with a smile on his face.

"Well, you're welcome, in a twisted way, but I fucked up again! I have no idea how the fuck I do it sometimes." He held up his finger for me to wait and I watched as he demolished the food in front of him.

When he gulped down his iced tea, he told me to continue and I took a deep breath before launching into everything that had happened. From the blowjob onwards of course, he didn't really need to know about that. He stayed surprisingly quiet throughout the retelling of my morning, and I grew nervous as his silence grew once I was finished.

"Dude, you need to tell her!" My eyebrows furrowed immediately. I didn't know what I had been waiting for, but his answer made no sense to my exhausted brain. "You need to tell her how you feel..." When the look of confusion didn't leave my face, he sighed dramatically. "Dude, you are so in love with her you can't even tell! She needs to know, maybe then she won't be so scared of you running off...'cause I think we all know you're not capable of running from her anymore..."

Fuck. Was he right?

"Em, I've known her for less than two weeks!" He chuckled at the petulant tone in my voice, and I smiled faintly at myself.

"Doesn't that just tell you how amazing it must be? That you fall in love with a girl in, like, two weeks? That's some seriously heavy stuff, man!" I mulled over his words, letting them break away the stone that had encased me over the course of the morning.

"I think I like Rose already man!" I answered.

We both chuckled before he broke off suddenly.

"How do you mean?" I chuckled again at the confusion on his features.

"You've never sounded so wise, Em. Maybe she's changing you already." We both laughed quietly and looked up as our parents descended the stairs.

"What's all the laughing about in here?" Carlisle smiled warmly at us and then chuckled when we both shrugged, saying "nothing" simultaneously.

I watched with an uneasy feeling as Esme walked past us and straight into the kitchen. She had become more and more distant from us all since we had moved here and a part of me wondered if she was resenting the decision. Her whole life had been in Chicago, after having moved already from New York.

I remembered the way she used to talk about her old home. New York had been a part of her as much as anything else, and it was a known fact that she missed it more than anything. Maybe being in Forks was just enhancing that feeling, not living in a city at all anymore must have been proving hard on her.

"What's the news on the Alice front?" Emmett spoke up, bringing me out of my thoughts again. It didn't occur to me until that moment that maybe he would be on my side. If he was so happy with Rose after just one date then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't want to move either. Were things looking up? I dared not to hope.

"I don't know..." Carlisle sighed, raking his hand through his hair as he sat on the end of the sofa, positioning himself between us. "She's barely talking, just keeps saying things like `everyone hates me already.' Maybe she doesn't want to move, she just needs to know how you guys feel.

"You both know that your sister needs your approval for everything. Maybe this is another time when she needs to know you both stand by her. She loves you more than anything, and I think she needs her brothers more than us just now. Just talk to her, talk her down from the ledge so to speak. It can't do any harm." We both nodded solemnly as he stood again.

Would it really be that easy? When I looked to Emmett, it seemed he was wondering the same thing. With a nod, we both knew that Carlisle was right, but a knock at the door stopped us all in our tracks as we all got up to leave. With a glance between us all, it was understood that none of us was expecting company. This was the way it was done in the Cullen house. None of us wanted to answer it and none of us needed to, so it fell to whoever was closest.

We all noticed Carlisle's sly movement, and I laughed hard as he innocently told Emmett he was closest to the door. Emmett pouted and scowled, making us both laugh as he turned and headed across the open floor to the front door. We were both laughing our way to the kitchen when Emmett called my name. I froze. Was Bella here to see me?

"There's some dude at the door for you, bro..." Emmett slapped me on the back as he passed on his way to the kitchen. Some dude? Well that fucking narrowed it down.

I turned with a sigh and headed back to the door, nearly stopping dead when I saw who it was. Jacob fucking Black. What the fuck had I done in a past life to deserve this shit? I couldn't even fucking walk off or pretend I wasn't in 'cause he had fucking noticed me too.

"Hey...uh, can we, like...talk?" I smirked inwardly. At least I wasn't a fucking stuttering mess. But then again, if I had gone to his to "talk" - presumably about Bella - then I'd be nervous too.

"Sure, whatever." I was trying to play it cool, but I wasn't sure if he could see straight through it or not. I just wanted him to get to the fucking point.

"I, uh, wanted to apologize for this morning. I wasn't there to cause problems..." He shoved his hand in his pocket roughly, obviously unhappy that he was having to apologize. He didn't fucking have to be here, it wasn't like I cared.

Immediately after that thought, I paled with dread. Had Bella sent him to apologize because she didn't want her boyfriend fighting with her...whatever the fuck I was? I shook my head to clear my thoughts, thinking I should probably act like a man and say something.

"Yeah, right...thanks I guess..." He smirked at the look of confusion on my face, and I swear I nearly fucking hit him.

"Look...I don't know what happened this morning, but I guess it was a misunderstanding. Bella and I are only friends. Sure, I wish we were more, but I have to live with the fact that she chose you man. I just wanted to make sure you fucking knew that...Seeing as you walked away and everything..." He could no longer hide the distaste for me in his voice, and I had to start my fist clenching shit to try to stay calm. However, the second his words actually sank in I was as calm as I could fucking be.

Friends...she chose me...huh.

"But she...fuck, I'm confused!" I raked my hand through my hair, tugging roughly so I could feel something.

"Tell me about it," he answered. I smirked as we agreed on something, and he faintly returned it. "She's been a shell of herself since she came back from New York last summer. I guess she looks happier when she's with you, and I can't argue with that...Just don't fucking hurt her, okay?"

New York? I shivered from top-to-toe at the mention of where I had spent my summer. She had never mentioned being in New York before. We had both spent our summers in New York, what were the odds? Why had she never mentioned it? Fuck, I had at least a hundred more questions for her than I had half an hour before.

"New York?" I knew it was pathetic, but I couldn't get passed it in my head.

"Yeah, she was there for like two months, didn't she tell you?" There was the million-dollar phrase - "didn't she tell you?" - No because she was fucking lying to me. Why the hell was she lying about something so trivial?

"No, I guess we never got round to it..." He nodded and looked at me for a minute before he stuck his hand out between us. I shook it, not really realizing what I was doing, and before I noticed, he was back in his car and pulling out of the drive and disappearing into the trees.

I sat on the porch steps, staring into space, trying to grasp onto something I couldn't quite feel. It wasn't a memory or a flashback, just a feeling. Like there was something I was completely missing, but not the way Emmett meant. Like there was a way I should be feeling about Jake's news that I wasn't. What should I have felt about Bella being in New York? Why would I feel anything? Apart from maybe sad that we hadn't met sooner.

A tiny body, even smaller than Bella's, eased themselves down beside me as quiet as a mouse, as if she was worried about breaking me from my thoughts. No, I welcomed the distraction this time because I was beyond confused at what my own brain was trying to tell me so fucking cryptically.

"Hey." Her voice was so tiny that I wondered if she had greeted me at all.

"Hey, yourself, short stuff."

If in doubt, mock her for her height.

"Shut it, you! We can't all be the perfect package!" My heart twanged uncomfortably in my chest as I recalled my conversation with Bella in the hospital.

_"I'm a dazzling package?"_

My brows furrowed together in confusion. That's not what she had said. I had said it, only I hadn't said it in the hospital. I was sure I hadn't mentioned those words in that order in the hospital. But I knew without a doubt that I had said them before…to someone else? I doubted that I would have had such a similar conversation with a completely different person. Which only meant I had said them to Bella before, only...I hadn't met Bella before...had I?

"Edward?" I nearly groaned at my interrupted train of thought, but remembered I needed to patch things up with my sister more urgently than what I may or may not have been remembering. I scoffed at myself because I could hardly remember what I had even been thinking about.

"What's up?" I threw my arm around Alice's shoulder and squeezed her into me, happy to feel her relax under my touch.

"I'm sorry..."

"Ali, you don't need to apologize for anything."

"But I do! I acted like such a brat! I'm sorry for flipping out on you!" I chuckled at her choice of words, and hugged her to me.

"Alice, no one cares. You're a teenage girl; use it to your advantage!" We both laughed loudly, and I thanked whoever was up there for making this go a lot easier than I thought it would.

"Edward?"

"Yep?"

"I don't really want to move back to Chicago. Can we stay here?" I released my breath, not knowing I had even been holding it, and smiled into the clearing in front of our house.

"You have no idea how happy Emmett will be to hear that!" I chuckled again, but I was alone that time, Alice confused as to what I was talking about.

"Why?"

"He may or may not now be going out with Rosalie Hale. It's pretty serious already." I heard a small "Oh my God," and chuckled again.

"So basically, I'm the only one who hasn't found love?"

"Wait a minute here! Why am I the last one to find out I'm fucking in love with Bella?"

Alice's peels of laughter echoed off the trees and were soon joined by two other low chuckles. Looking behind me, I noticed with embarrassment that Carlisle was standing in the doorway and Emmett just to the left of it.

"Alice, you do realize any guy that even looks at you will have to go through us first right?" Emmett spoke up.

I chuckled at how right he was. No one in Chicago had been close to being enough for our little sister, and she had started complaining that we were running everyone off.

"Guys! I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life!" While Emmett laughed, I paled. I felt cold and weak just thinking about not being with Bella. I had messed things up royally that morning, but I'd be damned if I didn't fix it. I was staying in Forks, and I was staying with Bella. I would do what it took to make Bella see that I only wanted her. Nothing else fucking mattered.

"Boys, leave your sister alone." Carlisle was laughing, too, as he propped himself up on the doorjamb, but there was a distant look in his eye, as if Alice's statement had hit a nerve with him, too. That couldn't be right though. "At least wait until someone shows an interest." We all laughed loudly as Alice pouted from between Emmett and me.

"Aw, come on, short stuff! You know we love you!" She growled loudly at Emmett's choice of endearment causing us all to laugh again.

"Well, I hate you two, okay?" She tried to keep a straight face, but it was obvious she was going to fail.

"Group hug!" Emmett called out before throwing his arms around Alice's small frame. I followed suit and soon we had her squashed between us as we rocked back and forth on the top stair.

I caught Carlisle's eye briefly and the look that haunted his eyes had chills running down my spine. Here was me thinking it was a happier family moment, and he was standing there looking like it was all his worst nightmares come true. I bristled as I thought it through.

Our family had been on the edge of disaster for months, and even I knew this was the first time at least most of us had been together, laughing and talking like a family should. I already had a feeling that something had happened between me and my parents before I fled to New York last year, but Carlisle's anguish cemented it. All I had to do was figure out what the fuck it was.

"Right! Not to break up the postcard moment, but I need to go fix something," I announced. Emmett winked at me good-naturedly over Alice's head as I stood from the steps.

"Dad, can we talk for a minute?" He looked surprised as I brought his eyes away from where they had been staring a hole in the porch and nodded minutely, worried as I followed him inside.

"What's wrong?"

"Are you okay?" We both asked at the same time. Carlisle looked taken aback that I had even asked if he was okay, but I had noticed the way he had been acting, and I was genuinely concerned for him. I waved my hand, wanting him to answer my question.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" I nodded my head, not wanting to start something because I was desperate to get back to Bella. It had barely been six hours since I had seen her last, and I was missing her more than was normal.

"This thing that happened, that my brain is deliberately blocking out." I saw Carlisle pale before I continued. "Was it between me and you?" He shook his head almost immediately, and I felt both relieved and scared.

"So it was between me and Mom?" His eyes widened, shocked that he had walked into the trap I had lain out so easily, and shook his head. However, he had hesitated, he had paled even more, and he was even fucking biting his lip. When did cool Doctor Cullen ever bite his bottom lip with worry?

At least that tied together some of my loose strands. Something major had happened between my mom and me, she wasn't talking to me anywhere near as much as she used to, and she had been distancing herself since I had started remembering things.

However, that didn't explain why Esme had been acting so coldly towards Bella. When she wasn't ignoring her, she was avoiding her, and when they were in the same room, you could cut the tension with a knife. At least I could definitely rule out Esme telling Bella about my past.

Carlisle was still watching me, shock and concern written across his features as I thought things through. He didn't need to know that I was getting fucking nowhere with the "piece together" plan, but it also wasn't fair to make him suffer, especially if he hadn't technically done anything wrong.

I smiled at him in reassurance and watched as he relaxed minutely before me, his shoulders losing some of their tension and some of his height disappearing as he slumped forward slightly. In that one action, it dawned on me just how stressed and scraped thin my father was. He would have everyone believe that he was coping with this, but it couldn't be easy watching your family fall to pieces in front of you. Twice.

"Okay, well I'm off to get the girl!" I smiled genuinely as I thought about Bella before turning for the door.

"Again!" Emmett's and Carlisle's voices echoed off one another, and I laughed before sending my brother the finger, making them laugh some more. I was thankful that most of my dad's previous tension had gone for the moment, and smiled my way to my Volvo.

I pulled away from the semi-circle in front of the house with a small wave to Alice who was back on the porch, and drove my way down the driveway - driving noticeably faster than I should have been when on a narrow road and surrounded by dense trees.

Despite me resolution to "win the girl," the closer I came to Bella's the more my mood shifted. Every single negative scenario ran through my head at least twice as I wondered what we were going to say and do next. By the time I pulled up into her driveway, noticing that Charlie wasn't home, but someone else was, I was fully exhausted and just about ready to give up.

It was pretty obvious this wasn't going to go well, and I could see my hand shaking violently as I reached to press the doorbell. I heard Bella telling Rosalie that she was coming to see me, only slightly bettering my mood as I stood on her porch for the second time in one day, with the door between us.

She stopped dead in her tracks when she opened the door and turned to see me standing in her way. She clearly didn't think I'd be back. Yet another thing I needed to fix - she always thought I was leaving her. When I told her she didn't need to make the trip, her eyes widened in what could only be described as fear, making the same feeling settle in the pit of my stomach.

"Are you up for a walk?" I had to keep reminding myself that it had only been a week since she had had major surgery, but her safety and welfare were top of my list.

I had a feeling this was going to be long conversation so she needed to be as comfortable as I could make her. I didn't bother giving hope to the idea that I would be most comfortable with her wrapped around me. That was a luxury I wasn't deserving of at that moment.

She nodded gently, all the while chewing her lip to pieces. She was so nervous and agitated that I could feel it rolling off her in waves, gnawing at the calm facade I had tried to put in place before I got out of the car. I lifted my hand and noticed with shock that she slightly recoiled from me before I gently released her lip from her teeth with my thumb. She was still scared that I would hurt her. What the fuck had I done this morning?

"Bella, I would never hurt you, don't you know that?" She looked at me with glassy eyes, and I knew the error I had made. I had meant physically, I would never lift my hand to her. I had hurt her emotionally too many times to count already. "Fuck, I know...seems I can't stop fucking up..." I shook my head sadly, throwing myself a pity party for all of five seconds before I bucked myself up.

I was there to fight for the girl I loved - and that was what I was going to fucking do.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Sooooooooo? What do we think? **

**Review please! Otherwise I'm not giving you what y'all want in the next chapter...kidding!**

**Follow all the FMN goings ons at www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com or follow me directly on twitter :)**

**:) XX**


	23. I'm Yours

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Do y'all see the title? It actually sounds promising!**

**I**** know a lot of you are frustrated that Edward isn't piecing together the most important thing...that Bells is his mystery girl! But that little nugget isn't any time soon so stop looking for it! Doesn't even happen in this one!**

**A wee shout out to Karen! Who is the newest member of the FMN family (my wolfpack has grown by one - if you haven't seen The Hangover you won't get that!). This is the first chapter of FMN ****y'all have read that has ****been beta'd, so the reason it looks ****and sounds better is because of her amazing skills :P Big love! :)**

**All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer but all characterisations and plot-lines of Forget Me Not are copyrighted of LiveInDakota2010. All plaigarism will be reported and punished.**

**Please enjoy! I hope y'all love it as much as I do...**

**FLUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! And lots of angst!**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Three: I'm Yours**

The stars lean down to kiss you  
And I lie awake and miss you  
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly  
But I'll miss your arms around me  
I'd send a postcard to you, dear  
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue  
But it's not the same without you  
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad  
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad  
'Cause the spaces between my fingers  
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways  
Though I haven't slept in two days  
'Cause cold nostalgia  
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight  
I'll sit on the front porch all night  
Waist-deep in thought because  
When I think of you; I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink  
I'll think of you tonight

I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter  
And heavy wings grow lighter  
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew  
But I swear I won't forget you  
Oh, if my voice could reach  
Back through the past  
I'd whisper in your ear  
Oh darling, I wish you were here

_Owl City - Vanilla Twilight_

* * *

Bella's POV

My first estimation of Edward wasn't entirely right. Yeah, he looked defeated, but his eyes sparkled in the dull January light when he asked me to go for a walk. Then with concern ashe remembered I wasn't exactly up for running a marathon. If he had given up, he wouldn't have cared so much. At least that was what my heart was hoping.

My heart thudded out-of-sync as I closed the door quietly behind me and stepped closer to him. I wasn't sure where we could go, and when he looked around him, I was sure he came to the same conclusion. I held my breath as he turned back to me with a small smile on his lips.

"Will you come with me?" he asked quietly, gently.

I had to battle my instincts that were screaming things like "I would go anywhere with you," and simply nodded my head.

He led me to the car and opened the passenger door for me, waiting patiently as I settled myself down into the leather seat. He closed it with a soft thud before walking back around to the driver's side.

I felt myself relax completely as Edward's scent enveloped me and the warmth in his car soaked in. However, my guilt over my transgression was pulling me away. From the corner of my eye, I saw him watch me closely, making no move to ignite the engine. After minutes of silence, he sighed gently, knowing I wasn't going to look at him and started up the car.

We buckled ourselves in simultaneously, but even when our hands brushed at the center of the car, I looked away quickly, focusing my eyes on the house in front of us. I thought I heard him mumble, "What have I done?" from the other side of the car, and it dawned on me that he would be blaming himself for my distance. I had been selfish enough forone day, but that didn't stop me from reaching out and weaving my fingers through his once we were cruising down the highway.

His head whipped around, but again I kept my eyes straight out in front while I squeezed his hand gently. I needed to let him know that I wasn't blaming him for anything -that my distance wasn't his fault -that I had fucked up more than he ever had, but that I wanted him as much as ever. I was praying internally that this conversation went well. I didn't want to think about him walking away.

He was entitled to, of course. I had basically cheated on him, but that didn't stop me from hoping that he would hear me out and find it in him to forgive me. I couldn't think of anything that could make this worse, and planned on telling him before we got into anything else. There was no point in hashing through everything first if he was going to decide he couldn't do it oncehe learned what I had done to us.

The car ride was quiet**,** and this time it _was_ uncomfortable. Both of us had a reason for being there, both of us had things to say, and it was obvious that both of us were nervous about saying them.

Edward kept stealing glances at me while we sped down the road outside of town, as if trying to prove to himself that I was really sitting there.

I, on the other hand, kept my eyes locked on the scenery speeding past, going over every possible way of telling him what I had done. Fast, like ripping off a band-aid, or slowly, building him into it and assuring himhow much it was him that I wanted?

When we started to slow, I looked around for a reason. There were no off-roads, not even a hidden driveway similar to his ownas far as I could see, but somehow he navigated us with ease onto a path that wasn't even there. It just so happened there was a break in the trees big enough for the car to fit comfortably through.

I watched with peaking curiosity as he pushed us through the wild branches**,** until I could see nothing but tree bark on all four sides of the car. There was no sound apart from the occasional crunch of something heavy under the tires, and my grip on Edward's hand was ever increasing.

I wasn't aware I was holding my breath until it all audibly whooshed out of me as the car neared a clearing in the trees. The nose of Edward's SUV was sitting perfectly in line with the opening, and through the few branches in my way, I could see a grassy meadow laying there untouched.

"Do you trust me?" Edward's voice brought me back to the present, and I nodded without hesitation, both of us knowing when our eyes locked that my answer meant more.

He hopped out of the car and jogged around to my door. I studied the ground carefully as he helped me out, scoping out any obstacles for tripping over.

With a firm clasp on my hand, Edward shut the door behind me and started walking toward the clearing. I gasped as he let go of my hand, and I took in the tranquilitythat suddenly surrounded me. Even in the middle of January, there was colour and dense wood all around me, like this was the one place that bloomed all year.

Snowdrops of different colours peaked up above the grass around the perfectly round circumference, while branches of tall fir trees fell across the opening above our heads, creating shadows and shade at intermittent spaces.

I left Edward behind me as I walked further in, touching blades of grass that had grown as high as my hip in some places, heading for the trodden down patch in the middle. Although rain had been spattering against the windows while we drove along the highway, there was no sign of it in my circle, and all I could see was cloudless sky when I looked up through the straying branches.

_Magical._

"Edward, this place...is beautiful..."

There truly were no other words for it. When I turned back around, I found him watching me with a calm look on his face, still standing in the shadows of the trees. When he didn't answer, I took another step toward him.

"Edward?" His head lifted slightly, and I felt the moment his eyes locked onto me, a warm fuzz settling across my exposed skin.

"I found a map in Carlisle's study when we moved here...this is the first time I've been here."

His voice was quiet, but there was more emotion in it than there had been. "Give me a minute!" He turned and disappeared back towardthe car, and all I could do was stand and wait.

As I wandered over to a clump of winter flowers, I heard him re-emerge behind me, but I didn't turn until I had picked the ones I wanted. When I did, I found him sitting cross-legged on a navy blue blanket,with a dark green one rolled up at his side. I smiled as I wandered back across to him and held out a flower as I sat down beside him.

"Shouldn't I be giving you one?" he asked with an adorable furrow of his eyebrows.

I shook my head and watched as he arched his eyebrow, but I only shook my head and concentrated on the petals in my hand.

_How was I going to do it?_

"Edward, I need to tell you something." His arched brow didn't disappear, and he only nodded, showing no sign of panic or worry to tell me he was going through the same inner turmoil as I was.

_Of course he wasn't._

"Good, we'll take turns then, 'cause I have something I need to tell you, too..." He glanced to the tree line, not able to hold my gaze, and I bit my lip, fighting the urge to ask him to go first. I couldn't let anything stop me from doing this.

_The truth hurts._

"I...Edward, I..." I struggled to find my breath as the crushing guilt overwhelmed me again.

Edward was suddenly in front of me, both my hands in his as he stooped to lock into my gaze. I relished his touch as his right hand cupped my cheek, and his calloused thumbs brushed away my building turmoil.

His panic-stricken gaze did nothing to calm me, though, and I found myself struggling to catch my breath.

"Is this it? Please don't," he whispered solemnly.

Oh my God, he thought I was breaking up with him.

"No. No! Edward...I...I...please don't hate me?" I knew I sounded pathetic the second it left my lips, but I had to do anything I could to keep him. I couldn't lose him, whether I deserved him to hate me or not.

"Bella, how could I ever hate you? I lo- I look scared because I'm worried about you..." He sounded like he was going to say something else, but in my state, it was probably my mind playing tricks on me.

"I...with Jake...I had to know...so that I could choose...but it was you..." Fuck, even to me I sounded mental.

"Bella...breathe...you're not making any sense!" He wasn't angry, just annoyed, but not at me, I could tell he was getting impatient for the news he knew was going to be bad. "What did you have to choose between?" As I looked at him I thought he already knew the answer, holding his breath for what I was about to say.

"You...you and Jake..." I whimpered as I tried hard not to cry, and I felt Edward's grip on my hands increase, but I didn't dare tell him he was hurting me. I deserved it.

"And?" Did he honestly not know the answer to that? I had just told him I wasn't breaking up with him, but he still needed to hear it.

"You, Edward, I knew it was you already. I was so stupid..." My breathing calmed, and I dragged the air through my lungs, taking comfort in the burn that it provided inside. I turned up onto my knees and knelt before him, taking his face in my hands, feeling the slight stubble along his jaw line. "I'm so sorry..."

He shook his head lightly, like I did when I had to clear my head. His hands where lying gently on my forearms as I swept my fingers back and forth along his jaw.

"It's always going to be you...I'm so sorry..." His eyes narrowed and my hands dropped immediately as if I had been burned.

"Always me?" My heart stopped before restarting painfully. He was asking why I had chosen those words. What was he thinking? I had to find a way out, without telling him anything. However, with that, I risked him knowing I was lying.

"You hate me. I'm sorry...it didn't mean anything! I shouldn't have even done it...it's my fault..." I turned away as I rambled, not wanting to see the disgust or hatred I would surely find in his eyes.

"Wait! What? What happened?" _What?_ "You said you shouldn't have done it...what did you do?" I realized I must have voiced my confusion aloud as I turned back to his narrowed eyes. He had completely forgotten my earlier slip, thinking this was what I had been lying about. If only he knew just how much I was lying about.

"I kissed him..." I whispered it, half praying that he wouldn't hear me. His quiet sigh alerted me that he had, and I dropped my head to look at the blanket, disgusted with myself for hurting him. Surely it was time for him to walk away, having had enough of what I was putting him through?

"You kissed Jake?" I nodded my head. I was begging myself not to have a panic attack at the thought of him leaving me. "Why?"

"Edward, please..."

"I asked you why?" His voice shattered through the complete silence we had been sitting in, echoing off the hollow tree trunks and dense forest.

"Because I needed to know!" I cringed and moved backwards as I screamed at him, not really knowing why I had done it.

The first time I had ever shouted at Edward and the closest we had ever come to a full on fight was happening under the cover of darkness in the middle of a silent forest.

"You have to explain it, Bella." Edward's soft voice lured me in, and I was once again trapped by his gaze, even in the near pitch-black air around us.

"I thought he would be easier...that if I was with him it would hurt less...I wouldn't have to lie or be lied to...I wouldn't be scared of every little detail and would just be able to live, but then when I kissed him I realized I would rather be with you with all of that than choose him. He was always the safe choice, Edward." I slapped my hand to my mouth as I felt my eyes widen. That had been far too much information and my heart rate sped at what I had done.

I was up on my feet, brushing stray grass from me and heading back in the direction of the car before Edward could register where I was going. I only made it a few steps - which was less than I had expected - before Edward's hand clamped firmly around my arm, just above my elbow, effectively stalling me in my tracks.

"Where you gonna go, Bella?" He wasn't taunting me or trying to threaten me, his voice was too soft and too broken for that. I had done that, I had broken it all again and I wasn't sure which bit had done it. The kissing Jake part? Or letting too much slip?

"I have to get out of here." I wiped my eyes fiercely with my sleeve, angry that I failed in my battle against my tears.

"Why?"

"Because I've ruined it all! I never should have said that." I shook my head, technically talking to the trees and the darkness.

"But you chose me...you can't tell me that and walk off, Bella."

He wasn't taking this the way I thought he would. He hadn't even picked up on anything I had said yet.

He was solely concentrating on the fact that I had said I'd chosen him, and that thought alone made me turn back around. If I knew Edward half as well as I thought I did, then he was battling every instinct in his body that wanted him to flip out in anger. Hence the reason he was concentrating on one piece of information at a time.

As I turned, I slipped my arm from his hand until his fingers were around mine. I watched him as I flexed each one of my fingers and his slotted into the spaces between them. With one tiny squeeze, I let him know that I wasn't walking away. We had come to talk, so that's what we were going to do. I told myself that the hard bit was over - he knew I had betrayed him yet there we both still were.

"This is one of those times that you _can_ get angry, Edward." I stepped closer to him, lifting my hands and running them through his hair, lightly scratching and massaging his scalp, happy that he was letting me that close to him.

"I never wanna scare you again, Bells." My breath caught in my throat, knowing that was the first time he had called me anything other than Isabella or Bella.

"You can't bottle it all up, don't worry about me."

"But I do...I can't help it."

I slipped my hands further down, clasping them around his shoulders and pulling him to me. I tucked my chin on his shoulder and squeezed him to me, not surprised that his hands were lifeless by his side.

When I slid my right hand up into the hair at the nape of his neck, winding the longest strand around my finger, his arm anchored itself around my waist and squeezed lightly. His other pulled my hand from his hair and I panicked that he was pushing me away.

With his fingers around my wrist, he pushed me back from his body and the cool breeze chilled me immediately. I felt the goose-bumps erupt across my arms and chest. I bit my lip as my eyes watered, both from his absence and from the cool wind that blew through the trees, and waited for whatever he was going to say next.

Instead, I saw his gaze flick to my mouth and back to my eyes before he stepped closer again. I tilted my chin to keep my eyes locked on his as he got closer, and when he stopped, my lips were less than an inch away from his jaw.

"What are you doing to me?"

I didn't move, knowing I wasn't supposed to hear him, my heart thumping erratically as he lowered his chin.

I held my breath, not believing that he was going to kiss me, even when his lips touched mine. It was less than a whisper of a kiss as he kept his mouth hovering over mine without touching me, our breath swirling in the air between us.

"I'm sorry, Edward...for all of it..." As my mouth moved to form the words, my lips met his more than once.

"Everything is screaming at me to believe you, but you're lying to me, just like they are..." I nodded, my tears drying up.

Selfishly I thought he was going to kiss me, instead when he sighed, his breath was the only thing that lingered. His arms dropped from my sides and I heard the light pad as he took a step back from me. I reasoned that if I didn't open my eyes he would come back, wrap me up and hold me, but the rational side of my brain was plainly telling me how much pain Edward was in and it was my fault. He didn't want to kiss or hold me. My eyes popped open as I realized that.

In the waning light I panicked, my eyes not finding purchase on him at all, but they did eventually land on his hunched form, back on the blanket, his knees up to his chest and his arms hugging himself into a ball.

As I made my way back across to him, his head fell back and he stared at the sky. He made no objections to me sitting beside him, so I knelt as close as I could and waited, watching him as he looked serenely up at the inky blackness.

"No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end."

My brow furrowed in confusion at his statement, both unexpected and untrue. As far as I could tell, the day had been far from perfect.

"Today definitely hasn't been perfect, Edward." I kept my voice low and quiet, as if speaking to an easily scared creature. It wasn't far from the truth. Edward's temperament was so unstable at times that the tiniest thing could set him off.

"No. No, but I have worked a lot out today. I could argue how good it has been for me, but would that then make me selfish? When others were in pain, angry or frustrated at their turn of events, I was pleased with mine? Hopeful that things were going to go my way and determined to fight for what I needed?"

His head slowly dropped so that his eyes caught mine once more. I felt my jaw go slack as I absorbed his words, greedy for everything he was giving me. The sincerity that shone from him always astounded me. He always sounded far older and wiser than his years, reminding me that he had gone through so much more in his seventeen than others had in a lifetime.

But, he had forgotten what it was he had been through. So then what did that make him? Stronger? Weaker? Different? He still felt the weight of the world on his shoulders, I could see it in him at times, yet he couldn't remember why. I could see the sadness and emptiness in him when even he didn't realize it was there.

"What were you fighting for?" I wasn't sure it was the best question to follow what he had said, but I held my breath for truth, hoping that he would recognize our new need for honesty.

"The girl. Just like inany film or book. I needed to get her back, and I was determined to do whatever it took to show her just how much I wanted her, that whatever else was going on could wait because this was our time."

I clamped my teeth onto my bottom lip to stop it quivering. How could one person be so angry yet so sweet and loving at the same time? But was I upset because he had phrased the whole thing in the past tense? What I had said to him had changed his mind and there was nothing I could do to take it back.

"Jake came to see me," he blurted.

I gasped as my eyes sought out his. Had he known about the kiss all along?

"He came to warn me. I guess that's what it was, I didn't really get why at the time, but it makes sense now. He told me there wasn't anything between you two and that I was lucky." He laughed humorlessly - a sound that tore my heart down the middle just a little bit more. It hurt and he noticed, his face falling as he looked at me. "Fuck, Bella, that's not what I meant!"

"It's fine. I deserve worse," I answered in a small voice. I shrugged, but my movement was suddenly restricted as he took both my hands in his and tugged, bringing my shoulders back down before I was finished.

"I didn't mean it like that." He tugged gently again, the force pulling me forward as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I reveled in the opportunity to be close to him again, and wasted no time in snuggling myself closer. My grip on him would have been embarrassing if he hadn't alreadyknown just how desperate I was to hold on in that moment.

"It's just ironic...there's so much riding on this, so much being hidden on both sides that it would ruin any relationship, but I know he's right." My heart started thumping erratically again as I let myself hope that he was staying with me.

"The only lucky one here is me.I didn't think you'd even still be here," I spoke up.

I pulled my head away from his chest so that I could look at him. I watched the incredulous look pass across his face before a deep resignation settled across him. I was still nervously dreading the moment he told me he couldn't do it.

"Can you answer something, before I tell you what I brought you here to say?" A faint smile tugged on his lips and that alone had me nodding in acquiescence. Anything to make him smile.

"You were in New York last summer?" Although it was a question, I knew he already knew the answer. He was asking for honesty more than anything else.

"Yes."

I tried to keep down all the pain that wanted to rush to the surface, but he noticed the battle on my face. I had to do this for him.

"Have we met before?" My bottom lip quivered as I captured it between my teeth for the hundredth time.

I didn't want to answer him. It would change everything, and there was a fifty-fifty chance it wouldn't go the way I so desperately wanted it to.

His thumb carefully traced our signature path across my cheeks, and a distant look crossed his face, as if he knew how many times he had done it before. He already had the answer he was looking for, but I told myself he needed to hear it - he deserved to. Everyone around him had been lying to him for months, I could never deny him anything, and there he was asking.

"Yes." My voice caught in my throat, and the emotions I had been trying to keep in check caught up with me.

I didn't want to show him how weak I was, how utterly dependent I had been on him remembering things, how desperately I wanted him back. It was too soon for any of that, but I was sure my breakdown would tell him all that and more. A sob retched its way through my chest and out into the quiet, and I had to cover my mouth with both my hands to quiet the sound.

**EPOV**

Her reaction gave me more of an answer than her simple "yes." I could have been angry, shocked or even hurt, but as I watched her disappear from in front of me, I felt a different kind of pain.

A distant ache washed over me, causing a harsh crushing feeling to take up residence in my chest. When I had been going over things in my head, the outcomes had never included her reaction. She was in pain. Far more pain than I had ever previously realized, and as she tried desperately to hide it, it dawned on me that she had been doing so much for me that she was hurting herself in the process.

I didn't need her to tell me if we had met more than once or even how long our meeting had been, because at that moment, the way I felt multiplied, and it had nothing to do with any previous underlying emotion.

I had worked out I was in love with her over the course of the day, but the utter selflessness in her actions made me fall quicker and harder for the girl before me. All thoughts of a potential girlfriend or summer love evaded me as I hooked my finger under her chin.

Her breath caught at the unexpected contact, and her eyes widened in fear when I forced her to look up at me. Her deep brown eyes were pooled with tears that were yet to spill over, and she re-captured her bottom lip into a vice-like grip with her teeth to try to quell its quivering. She was truly beautiful, especially where we were.

"Su belleza me asombra."

She gasped, understanding what I had told her. Now if I hadn't gone all stalker on her, I wouldn't have known she was taking Spanish. Everything has its rewards. Not one word of it was a lie. If there were ever a time to tell her, my opportune moment wouldn't come again.

"From the second you walked into that office I thought you were beautiful. Now is all I can give you, Bella, but I'm sure the first time we met I felt the same."

She blushed furiously, and I felt the heat under my hands as I brushed away her tears. Was I ever doing anything else?

"Edward..." I pressed my finger to her lips to silence her, even though the breathy way she had said my name was doing things to me I couldn't ignore. I _had_ to make her say my name like that more often.

"I need to tell you something..." Her eyes widened and I couldn't blame her, really. "It's nothing bad, Bella, don't worry..." At least I didn't think it was bad. What if it wasn't the right thing to do? What if it wasn't what she wanted to hear? I had to force my lips to form the words before I backed out.

"I know I've only known you for two weeks, in this twisted "new life" that I'm having to live, but I love you...it doesn't matter that we met before because I worked this out before you even told me...I'm so in love with you that it took my whole family telling me before I realized it for myself.

"I don't remember much from most of last year, but I know that I love you. I don't want to ever forget this feeling, and what scares me more than anything, is that I will. I've forgotten before, Bella, and somehow I guess I thought that if I didn't let you in or didn't make myself so weak, that everything would be okay.

"But I finally realized that letting you in is the best thing I've done since I woke up in that hospital. It's the biggest cliché of all, but you make everything seem possible, and even if you do help me get my old life back, it's nothing without you in it. I don't want to ever not feel like this justbecause I feel like it's more than I wouldever deserve. I'm young, we're both young, but I didn't know it was possible to feel like this. I didn't know I could love someone so much."

Fuck. I had only wanted to tell her I loved her, instead I had told her how insecure I was and how much I really felt for her. It turned out I felt more for her than I had actually let myself believe.

I felt my heart rate accelerate as I realized she had yet to say anything. The tears that I had fought to stop were streaming down her face, faster than before. It hadn't been my intention to overwhelm her or even upset her, but it seemed that was exactly what I had done.

"Bella, you don't have to say anything back. I didn't tell you to get something in return or to pressure you. I only told you because I had to let you know...that and I thought it was going to burst out of me at the least opportune moment...I guess I didn't want it to be yet another thing to hide..." All I could hear was her breathing, and I briefly wondered if she was still with me. I checked to see that her eyes weren't glazed over or shut, she was staring directly at me.

At least when hermouth opened and shut again I knew she had taken in what I had said. However, the fact that she was struggling for words was disconcerting. Maybe I hadn't done the right thing. My right hand fell to her shoulder where I picked up a strand of her hair between my fingers and started twirling it.

"Please...Bella, say something..." She looked like she was warring with herself, which couldn't have been a good outcome.

"I..." She shifted on her legs, the movement bringing her closer to me, and I had to curl my hand around her neck to keep my hand on her body.

Her eyes were flicking between my eyes as she leaned into my touch. Our eyes stayed locked and I tried to pour as much sincerity as I could muster into one gaze,but who knows if I got it right. I was a guy.I was pretty sure we weren't programmed right for that sort of thing.

She moved closer still, and I relished in the feeling of her small hand coming to rest gently on my shoulder. I was wondering what she was doing until it moved slowly south. There was nothing sexual in her contact, and I felt my eyes widen with the possibilities when her touch came to a stop over my heart.

Her small fingers splayed out over my top and she applied the slightest pressure with her palm. Her eyes fell to where her hand was, and as she stared at the contact, I felt my heart rate increase.

I didn't miss the slight shift in her posture that brought her closer to me, and I wondered if it had been deliberate. I hadn't forgotten that she hadn't said a word since my declaration, but all thought ceased when she wassuddenly on me. Her small body was pressed against mine, her two arms around my shoulders, one of her hands twisting inmy hair and her nose nearly touching me.

She was looking at me, though, and the emotion in her eyes had the crushing in my heart lifting and replaced by an almost painful clench, only this time it was a pain I welcomed. She was looking at me like I was the most important thing in the world, as if she had been waiting years for the things I had just said, and I even dared to hope that I saw her own love for me mirrored in her bottomless eyes.

I noticed the small smile that washed across her lips before I moved the last inch toward her, closing the too big distance and pressing my lips to hers. She hadn't kissed me, but she sure as hell didn't look she'd oppose, so being the impatient guy I am, I took the initiative.

All the worries, anger, disappointment, and pain from the day simply dissolved as her mouth started moving fluidly with mine. Our kiss wasn't passionate, or frantic or even lust fuelled, like our first, but it held so much promise and unspoken truth that it eclipsed each and every one of our pasts.

She took her time, and I wasn't in any mood to rush her or change it up. I was content, beyond content, to keep it as it was. Even when her tongue brushed my bottom lip and I granted her entrance, things didn't escalate. It was everything a guy doesn't even know exists, and I found myself wishing for Bella to kiss me that way every day.

When she pulled back, I couldn't stop the shit-eating grin that spread across my lips. She rested her forehead against mine, keeping her eyes open and looking straight into my soul. If she was as good at reading people as she claimed then I was sure she could see every tiny detail of me that I had tried to hide or forget.

"Tell me again?" Her voice was so small and vulnerable; I thought she was upset by the turn of events, so her question confused me. I also had to hide the disappointment that washed over me that it obviously wasn't the declaration I had been secretly hoping for.

"I'll tell you a hundred times a day,Bella, I love you..." She smiled, completely knocking me off the edge on whichI had been balancing. I hadn't upset her or overwhelmed her, and she actually was happy that I had told her. When I sighed in relief, I almost missed the most important words I had ever heard.

"I love you too, Edward, more than you know..." I mirrored her smile, but it was quickly hidden when I leaned forward to kiss her passionately.

The kiss this time was fierce as I pulled her body as close as I could get it, without making her think I wanted to take it further.

I tried to tell her, as I had with my fucking eyes, what I couldn't put into words. Her saying it back, although hoped for, had surpassed anything I could have imagined. Her words rang around my head, almost in warning, but I tried to ignore it. Once again, she had said too much, to her at least, that told me there was more going on than I was privy to, but the fact that she had said it at all had my heart racing and my mind reeling.

I wanted her to know that my feelings ran deeper than anything I had felt before, and if I was interpreting her actions right, she was trying to tell me the same thing. I wasn't alone in this. We were both scared of the future andwhat was most assuredly going to come.

The days ahead, we both knew, were not going to be easy, with truths and memories that would either stitch us together forever or completely ruin everything. The ache that was always prominent in my chest, reared at the thought of ever losing Bella, no matter what it was over, but the ache was completely overshadowed by her moan that reverberated through my body.

This time when we pulled apart, we were both panting heavily.

"Thank you."

She looked rightfully confused by my sudden confession but I had to let her know.

"For lying to me...for telling me the truth when I asked..." It didn't escape my notice that I had thanked her for lying when I had shut out everyone else who had. However, it was obvious now how much it had hurt her, having to do it, and that alone told me that she was, as Charlie had said, only looking out for me.

"You said the doctors said it could do you more harm.I couldn't take that chance, not with you. I'm sorry." I cupped her cheek in my hand, sweeping my thumb across her soft skin that for once, wasn't streaked with wet tear tracks.

"Thank you," I repeated, with even more conviction, and I pressed a chaste kiss to her lips as some sort of way of sealing it.

When she shivered almost violently, I made the split decision to take her home, no matter how happy I was staying where we were. Without asking her or even warning her, I locked my arm under her, effectively knocking her off her feet, and catching her with my other so that she was securely in my arms.

She squealed in surprise, but when I stood with her in my arms, she started to giggle. I smiled at the sound, loving the way the happiness seeped out of her and echoed back at me from the trees surrounding us_. _

_I was bringing her back; the meadow was going to be our place._

"You swept me off my feet!" I chuckled as she clued me in as to what was so funny and squeezed her into me. I watched as she wrapped the blanket more tightly around herself and wondered how I hadn't noticed how cold she was before.

"I'm sorry it took so long."

She gasped softly as she looked up at me from my arms. My statement, which admittedly had come from nowhere, had shocked her. and I worried as to the response I would get. As usual, Bella did something I wasn't expecting.

"It's okay. I have you now..." She looked so sad, which confused me because I thought that would have made her happy. Her small hand found my face and much like she had done to me, I leaned into her touch.

When I started to feel her weight in my arms, I shifted her slightly and walked us back to the car. There was no conversation as I opened the door and lowered her onto her seat. I could feel her watching me as I shut the door behind her and walked round to the driver's side. As I settled into the seat, I turned and smiled at her.

Her answering smile was small, but a smile none-the-less. It was clear that something was bothering her now that I was taking her home, but I tried to reason with myself that she would tell me when she was ready. That's what it was all based on at the end of the day; trusting her - that when she was lying to me she had her reasons and I was thecentre of them all. That she would never purposefully hurt me, and when she did deceive me, it was only because she was trying to do the best for me.

It seemed like the second we broke from the line of trees and turned back onto the highway, the little peaceful bubble we were in shattered. Her hand found mine almost immediately and she squeezed it forcefully, as if trying to prove to herself that I was really there.

I lifted it from where it had been resting and brought her knuckles up to my lips, brushing kiss after kiss across them, back and forth until I felt the tension slowly leaving her body.

When I settled our joined hands back on the centre console, I could feel her watching me, but something inside me told me to give her some space. I let her eyes linger on my profile and kept my eyes trained on the dark road, only just realizing that I was driving without any music on. Since the accident that had _never_ occurred, and I briefly wondered what that meant in the big scheme of things.

The tension was back in Bella's frame when I pulled the Volvo into her driveway. I vowed that no matter where we were or who was around I couldn't let her be uncomfortable or nervous and things wouldn't change. I did the only thing I could think of, smiling as I realized how thankful I was to have it.

"I love you."

Her eyes snapped to mine, and I could see the recognition settle across her face.

Saying it again had proven to her that it had been real and that I had really purged my feelings to her like I had. That we really hadhad our first argument and that the first of our truths was out, even if it was small in the bigger picture.

We had met before.

"I love you too, Edward." She squeezed my hand before getting out of the car.

I sent a silent prayer up to whoever was watching that loving her would be enough.

* * *

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it  
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted  
I fell right through the cracks  
Now I'm trying to get back  
Before the cool done run out  
I'll be giving it my bestest  
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention  
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more  
It cannot wait,

I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me  
Open up your plans and damn you're free  
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love  
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing

We're just one big family  
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more  
It cannot wait I'm sure  
There's no need to complicate  
Our time is short  
This is our fate,

I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear  
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror  
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer  
But my breath fogged up the glass  
And so I drew a new face and I laughed  
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason  
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons  
It's what we aim to do  
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more  
It cannot wait

I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me  
Open up your plans and damn you're free  
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours  
So please don't, please don't, please don't  
There's no need to complicate  
Cause our time is short  
This oh this oh this is out fate,

I'm yours

_I'm Yours - Jason Mraz_

* * *

__________**Author's Chapter End Notes: (LONG AND IMPORTANT)**

**Ah! Lots of REAL Edward quotes in there! I hope you liked them!**

**So...how frustrated are you now? Edward STILL thinks that Bella and mystery girl are different! How thick is this boy! :P**

**Those tricky three little words have finally made their appearance! But does that mean it's all plain sailing or that much harder from now on? :O**

**REVIEW! PLEASE!**

**Also...I have a new fic in the pipeline that desperately needs a beta! **

**Beyond the Glass takes two recording artists at different points in their careers (Edward & Bella) and throws them together in the studio. Long nights and artistic passions...what could possibly go wrong? :) **

**Please let me know if you're interested!**

**Follow all the FMN news on twitter (at)LiveInDakota :) or over on my blog - www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Finally...how was ECLIPSE? :) For those of y'all lucky enough to have seen it already of course :P **

**Peace! xx**

_Su belleza me asombre = Your beauty astounds me_


	24. Never Gonna Be Alone

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Wooo! Two in a week! Happy days! This one isn't beta'd though so it won't be up to scratch with the last one as my miracle worker is taking a wee holiday :P**

**Okais! So Edward didn't blow up in the last one! Our boy is growing up :P And I thank each and everyone of y'all who reviewed (not that there was many :P) and especially to a couple of people who were anonymous! You know who you are! :P**

**I'll let you get on with this one...all I'll say is that we have a lot more depth into the Cullen family! Courtesy of big brother bear himself :O Awwww...**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight, but all characterisations and plot-lines of Forget Me Not are copyrighted of LiveInDakota2010. All plaigarism will be reported and punished! So don't do it! :P**

**Enjoy folks and I'll talk to you at the end :P**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Four: Never Gonna Be Alone**

Time is going by  
So much faster than I  
And I've started to regret not spending all of it with you

Now I'm  
Wondering why  
I've kept this bottled inside  
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of it to you

So if I haven't yet  
I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone  
From this moment on  
If you ever feel like letting go  
I won't let you fall  
You're never gonna be alone  
I'll hold you until the hurt is gone

And now  
As long as I can  
I'm holding on with both hands  
Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you  
So if I haven't yet  
I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone  
From this moment on  
If you ever feel like letting go  
I won't let you fall  
When all hope is gone  
I know that you can carry on  
We're gonna take the world on  
I'll hold you until the hurt is gone

You gotta live every single day  
Like it's the only one  
What if tomorrow never comes?  
Don't let it slip away  
Could be our only one  
You know its only just begun

Every single day  
May be our only one  
What if tomorrow never comes?  
Tomorrow never comes

Time is going by  
So much faster than I  
And I've started to regret not telling all of this to you

Your never gonna be alone  
From this moment on  
If you ever feel like letting go  
I won't let you fall  
When all hope is gone  
I know that you can carry on  
We're gonna take the world on  
I'll hold you until the hurt is gone

I'm gonna be there all the way  
I won't be missing one more day  
I'm gonna be there all the way  
I won't be missing one more day

_Nickelback - Never Gonna Be Alone_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

A week. It had only been a God damned week and it felt like a fucking year.

I hadn't been out of the house since my adventure to the meadow with Edward, either because I hadn't been up to it or Charlie wouldn't allow it.

He had been home by the time Edward and I returned, his car in the spot Rosalie's had vacated. Edward walked me to the door, and I had been all for inviting him in so that I could spend more time with him, but Charlie would hear none of it. He demanded, politely, that Edward return home, as it was late and I would be tired, completely forgetting that I could speak for myself.

Instead, I had stood on the porch with my arms wrapped around Edward's waist for as long as I possibly could. I didn't care that it was cold and damp, I only wanted him to stay and I was adamant that I wasn't letting go. Until he stepped away, taking a tiny piece of me with him.

"I'll phone you the second I get home, okay?" I nodded, but it wasn't the same. I wanted him there, whether it was sitting beside me on the sofa and holding my hand or lying behind me, his chest against my back and his arm over my waist.

"Bella, I'll stay if you want me to. I'm quite familiar with the tree by now." He was smiling lopsidedly, and I laughed down my nose at the look on his face. Yes, I wanted him to stay, but it seemed selfish of me to demand it.

"No. Charlie was right...you should go home, spend some time with your family..."

His grin disappeared instantly and was replaced by a tight-lipped smile as his eyebrows furrowed.

He leaned down to press a kiss to my forehead, lingering longer than was needed, before he slipped back into his car and peeled out of the driveway. I watched the silver Volvo disappear at the end of the road, but continued to look at the space it had vanished into as if it would bring him back. I had immaturely hoped thought he would put up more of a fight.

I stayed downstairs that night, trying to pass as much time as possible before I had to crawl into my bed alone. I stared at the TV, not really seeing what Charlie was watching, and taking part in a little bit of idle chatter. I could tell he knew his decision to get rid of Edward had upset me, but he didn't mention it, so I decided not to either.

I trudged slowly up the stairs around two hours later, yawning the entire way. I pottered around in the bathroom, taking more time than usual to clean my teeth and brush my hair before I finally made my way to my darkened room.

I jumped in surprise when I found my bed occupied by a sleeping boy. Edward's arm was cradling my pillow under his cheek, his hair disheveled and splayed across it, and I watched him quietly, amazed at how peaceful he looked there.

It was clear he wasn't in line for a nightmare, and I wondered when they had stopped for him, knowing that for me, they didn't occur the night he held me as I slept. I crept closer to the bed, keeping the lights off and my steps soft so as not to wake him up.

He had come back after all, and I felt saddened that I had wasted so much time downstairs when he had been waiting up in my room for me. I placed my brush down on the bedside table and attempted to slide under the covers beside Edward, thankful that my parents had relented and bought me a double bed.

My attempts were futile when the second the mattress dipped under me Edward's eyes fluttered open and he yawned noisily from beside me. His green eyes were dull in the darkened room, and it only then occurred to me how tired he must have been.

"Where have you been?"

"I didn't want to be alone...so I stayed downstairs..." I shrugged, but I felt my throat closing over in emotion at the pained look that passed across Edward's face.

"You never have to be alone, Bella...come here..." He lifted his left arm and I scooted myself closer, bringing my face into his chest. I sighed contentedly as his scent and arm surrounded me at the same time.

"Love you," I mumbled sleepily. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, and took a deep breath with his nose still in my hair.

"Love you, too, Bella. Now sleep, love."

I smiled at his choice of endearment and fell asleep for the second time in a week with Edward holding me and a smile on my face.

That was the last time he had spent the night in my room, always saying he had a mountain of homework to work through or that Esme didn't want him staying out all night. He always had a scowl on his face when he mentioned her new rules, telling me that she had never bothered with them before.

I paled every time he mentioned her, wondering why she was going out of her way to make things more difficult between Edward and me. I vowed the next time I saw her I would ask her about it, not caring if I was playing nice or not, but the time had yet to come, having spent the week in the house.

Staring at the same four walls was going to have me climbing them eventually. There was only so much daytime TV I could watch, so much housework I could do, especially when I had to be careful as to what I lifted and did. I was bored enough as it was, I didn't need to put myself back in the hospital.

Jasper had avoided me all week, so I hadn't even been able to fill my time with arguing with him. Even though I was pissed at him for not telling me about Edward, I was still lonely without him. He was there every day for five months and suddenly he wasn't there at all. No matter if I had Edward, I still wanted to see Jasper.

Once a week wasn't too much to ask for, right?

Edward came by every day after school, dropping off my schoolbooks and homework, sitting with me while we completed it together. He didn't once mention needing help, or wanting to be tutored, but I put it down to having no tests to worry about.

Even in the couple of hours each evening that we sat quietly, working on our own things, I was happy. It was moments when I would look up and find him sitting on the opposite side of the table watching me quietly. Or when he would drop something from the table and I would take the opportunity to ogle him.

However, my favorites by far, were when he would get up and go to the sink for water or the cupboard for a snack, and instead of going straight back to his seat he would stand behind mine. He would wait patiently until I set down my own pen, before he would bend forward and wrap his arms around my front. He would nuzzle his face into my hair or my neck, holding me tightly, and press a line of kisses up my throat to my ear. Then he would pull back, walk around to his seat and start working again. I would watch him with a smile on my face until he eventually looked up with a twinkle in his eye and murmur "I love you" to me.

Those were my favorite moments and no one could take them away from me.

However, I had to get out of the house. I had been warned that going back to school too soon would prove a "health risk," but I had told Carlisle to fuck off in so many words. No one was going to keep me in that house longer than necessary, and I was adamant about getting back to my routine.

It wasn't until you lost all routine that you realized even the shit one of going to school and back every day was actually pretty damn good. It filled your day, you got to see the people that meant the most to you - if you were lucky to have found them already - you learned new things - boring to most - and you got slowly on with building your future, whether consciously or not.

I was staring at the water draining down the plug in the kitchen sink, thinking of nothing and everything at the same time when a light cough startled me out of my thoughts. The knife I had been holding, clattered out of my fingers, bounced off the edge of the counter and very nearly embedded itself in my thigh as I shrieked in surprise.

"Knock, knock?" he said quietly.

"Jesus Christ! Why the hell are you in my kitchen?" I turned at the sound of the voice, already knowing whom it was, but still perplexed as to why he was there.

"The door was open! I knocked, but you didn't hear me!"

I was still muttering under my breath when I finally looked up to his face. His anxious expression stopped my rant in its tracks as I took a deep breath to try to calm myself.

"What are you doing here, Em?" He watched me carefully as I picked the knife up from the floor, waiting patiently until I had set it aside somewhere safe before he decided to answer me.

"I have something, but I'm not sure if showing you is the best thing...I've changed my mind about eight times on the way over here...I seem to be switching between, 'Maybe I can help' and 'I'm betraying my brother!'" He was chewing his bottom lip, and that, combined with his words, had me worrying as to what had brought him over to my house in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.

"Maybe...uh...do you want to sit...or?" He was shaking his head before I finished, and I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion because he did, placing himself in the chair facing me and tipping it back so that it was resting on its back legs, the back panel resting on the wall.

"Does Edward know you're here?"

He shook his head once again, and I determined that already our "meeting" was a bad idea.

"Jasper said you were home alone. I made him swap me..."

"Swap you?"

"Yeah. He was coming to see you, but I told him I had to talk to you about something so he went home instead."

I wasn't sure how I felt about that piece of information. Jasper had avoided me for a week and the second he got an "out" the day he was coming to see me, he took it without a question. I had a bad feeling about Emmett's visit, but I was more pissed off at Jasper's behaviour.

"So...I did something I'm not very proud of..." he started. I sat in the seat opposite him, knowing somehow I was in for a bumpy ride. "I...can I start from the beginning?"

I nodded my head and watched as Emmett physically, as well as mentally, prepared himself for his speech.

"Things were pretty bad before Edward left. I mean, Mom and Dad tried to keep it together, but I could tell that having things out in the open with Edward was putting strain on their relationship, too. They tried to mask it all up or whatever, for our sake I guess, but if you looked you could see the cracks beginning to show.

"When he left, he was so messed up. I mean, I get that he was so pissed at everything. I'm not saying I hold it against him, his whole world was pretty much ripped apart and he couldn't trust anything. Everything around him turned into some sort of threat, as if something was always waiting in the wings to do it to him again.

"Then you came along. I mean, obviously I didn't even know you existed until he was leaving again, but you brought back everything he had lost faith in. I could mention every cheesy cliché that there is, but nothing can properly describe the light you brought him. I've never seen my brother so happy, even now that he's back with you. He might not know it yet, but I can see it plain as day. He's as happy, if not happier, than he was when he returned from New York.

"He came home with the intention of working things out. He wanted to make the effort, said he had to do it for you, that you deserved to be with someone who wasn't half a person."

It was right at that moment that my eyes started to prick with tears. I had known at the time that Edward didn't think he was right for me. He would constantly tell himself, and me, that he would get his past back for me. It wasn't the right reasons to go home and sort things out with his family, but at the time I had been so proud of him even wanting to try, knowing what he had been like when I had met him.

"But, I guess hope wasn't enough. They all tried incredibly hard, but the tension was always there. One misinterpreted comment would tip the scale and another argument would start. Plus the fact that Mom wouldn't give him what he wanted..."

"What?" My voice was a little louder than I had thought, and Emmett looked shocked at my outburst.

"He fought most with Mom, because he saw it as her lying to him more. He thought she was deliberately holding him back and I guess he hated her for it. You could feel it in his words, see it in the way he looked at her. It was after one of their arguments that he decided he couldn't do it anymore. If he couldn't get his own mom to help him then what was the point? He had the finances to just leave and he had Dad's permission, so why not? He flew up the stairs and only, like, twenty minutes later, he was flying out the front door and revving out of the driveway.

"Alice sat Mom and Dad down after that. Dad had a fairly sure idea why he was leaving, he just didn't know exactly who you were. And so the secret was out. Our whole family knew about you after that. The way Alice described things - it was like she was reading it straight from a book. But you know what? She was right. Now that I've seen you together, or the way he is when you're not, I know that she didn't exaggerate. He is so in love with you..."

I wiped my tears away to no avail. His words were breaking my heart all over again. I hadn't been there when Edward needed me most, and finding out what happened during our break only strengthened the hate I was feeling towards Esme.

"I know this is by far the corniest thing I will ever say, but the way he loves you Bella...there's no way he'll never remember you. The way he feels about you, although forgotten for months, can overcome anything..."

He smiled at me warmly, the action causing the dimples in his cheeks to become more pronounced. I giggled lightly as I nodded and wiped away my tears at the same time. He had assured me of things I didn't know I needed, and I was beyond grateful.

As I cleaned myself up, he dug into the bag he had set at his feet and produced a brown, leather bound book, not unlike a moleskin. It landed on the table between us with a light thud, and I looked at it perplexed.

Strangely it seemed my heart knew what it was before my brain processed what I was looking at. My heart rate sped up as my eyes followed the edges, the way the right bottom corner was creased from being dog-eared and re-flattened - to the splayed ribbon that was marking a page and sticking out from the bottom.

Edward's sketchbook.

"This is what I'm not proud of..."

When I looked back at Emmett, his brows were furrowed as he looked at the book between us.

"When Edward was in the hospital, my family pretty much fell apart. Usually, something like that would bring us together; we would be strong together and get through it. But this time it was different. Mom was cold, detached, and acting like it wasn't her concern that Edward was lying, dying in a hospital bed..."

I gasped, not believing what I was hearing. I was watching Emmett closely as he spoke, and I could detect the shimmer of unshed tears in his own eyes as he shook his head lightly.

"Alice and I tried not to get involved, but the way she was acting...it was like she didn't care. I snapped, the third day he was unconscious...I sat there thinking_ 'I'm her son, too...Would she act like that if it was me in that bed? Or Alice?'_ She only got angrier when I asked her, shouting about how I had no right to interfere in her business or tell her how she should feel.

"Dad walked in when she was screaming at me that 'maybe he deserved it.' She didn't really mean it like that, but he took it out of context, of course. I was pretty much dismissed, but it was hard not to hear their argument that time. Carlisle was furious at the way she was acting and told her to leave. He didn't want her around his kids when she was acting like a cold, heartless bitch.

"It must have been the hardest thing he ever had to do. He loves my mom so much that it's crazy. But that day he chose his kids over his wife and he's been doing the same thing since. He concentrated on Edward's recovery before he even tried to reconcile things with Mom, he moved us all out here to try to help Edward remember. He spent months looking for you just so that he could reunite you...He gave up his job and his marriage to make sure his son would recover as best as he could...Ironic, huh?" I was crying uncontrollably, undeniably guilty at the way I had treated Carlisle.

He was by far the most selfless man I had ever met, and I had thought he was selfish! I shook my head, disgusted at my judgment of him, and sad over the treatment of his family in the past five months. I couldn't begin to imagine what any of them had been through. I could only base it on what I had felt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Emmett sprang out of his seat, surprising me with the sudden movement. He disappeared into the living room and re-appeared with a box of tissues in his hand, flourishing them in front of my face. I giggled lightly at his silly behaviour, but thankful that he was trying to lighten the mood.

"I haven't even gotten to the bit I'm guilty for! I keep going off on a tangent..." I smiled at him, mostly to convey that no matter how much he joked around I knew how hard this must be for him.

"Once Edward woke up we were all so happy that it didn't register straight away that there was something wrong. It took just under a week for the doctors to do every head scan and neurological test there is and then talk us through just how bad his memory loss was. His brain was simply trying to protect itself by shutting out the most painful time of his life." I cringed, even though I knew what he meant.

"Sorry, Bells...you know what I meant." He shrugged apologetically as I nodded. "I guess it's just unbelievably unlucky that you met him when you did..." I shook my head almost immediately.

"No! I can't think that. If I hadn't met him when I did, I may never have met him at all. That is so much worse than being forgotten for a while..." The words pained me even to say, and Emmett's eyebrows hit his hairline in surprise.

"That...I can't even begin to imagine how you can think that, but I'm glad you do..." I arched my eyebrow in question, wondering what he meant.

"The way you love my baby brother? Call me mushy or whatever, I'll deny it if it gets out, but it seems like you're the only one who can bring him back, and for that...our whole family owes you everything..."

"We would all do everything we could, Em...I'm really not doing anything anyway. If loving him brings him back...then I say that's a pretty easy deal for me." I smiled and he nodded, looking as if he was mulling over my words. I noticed his eyes flick back to the book between us and narrow before he started talking again.

"Alice thought it would be best if we tidied his room before he got home from the hospital so I decided to help because Dad was snowed under with work. I...we found his things...the doctors had already told us that it would be best to take away his phone, in case there were messages on it that could trigger unhappy memories...so Alice thought the same should apply to his other things..." He looked genuinely pained as he took a deep breath in.

"We took it away from him...his old phone, all his notebooks and sketchbooks that were full...his e-mail was wiped clean...everything. We even ripped out the first few pages of the sketchbook he's using at the moment because there were only a few pages filled..."

I sat, no doubt with a blank expression on my face, as I tried to register what he was telling me and how I felt about it.

"I...I spoke to Dad about it...I mean, I know it was wrong! Fuck knows we shouldn't have done it, but I can't exactly just hand it all back and tell him "happy reading!" He hates us all as it is...so I guess I'm here to ask what you think...have you seen this?"

My eyes widened in horror. He was not doing this to me. But then I shook my head, and the overwhelming feeling of curiosity hit me as my eyes flitted to the book between us.

Looking at it would be like betraying Edward, but I couldn't deny the way I wanted to flick through it. However, the rational side of my brain kicked in, in time this time, unlike the Jake situation. I wasn't going to betray Edward again, because that was exactly what it would be like - reading someone's diary. His sketchbook was his feelings and thoughts poured out into words and pictures, and although I wanted to know how he felt after we left New York, I wasn't going to go behind his back. Maybe someday he would show me himself.

"You deleted all his e-mails?" Why was that the part I was picking up on?

"I saved them and printed them off first. So that I could give them back to him...I think all apart from, like, two are from you...I printed off the ones he sent you, too..."

"You read them?" My voice screeched around the kitchen, and even I wondered why I was so upset about that.

"No! Fuck, I tried not to...but I couldn't get rid of them completely! They're all in a box in the house, the same box as all his paintings and music and notebooks...this one...I think this is the one he had in New York...I thought you might like to have it...or look at it...or give him it...fuck, I don't know!" He raked his hands through his hair, much like Edward did, and it distracted me momentarily.

"Get it out of my house," I answered coldly. His eyes shot to mine, no doubt at the ice dripping from my tone. Even I could see how this situation had disaster written all over it.

"I...what should I do?"

"First of all, get that out of my house! If he finds out I knew about this, he's never going to forgive me! At least he'll know I never looked in it! I can't believe you told me about this! I'm lying about enough already, Em! I can't cover up more of your family's fuck-ups!" I slapped my hand to my mouth after insulting his family. His eyes widened before they narrowed, but they widened once again at the sound of someone in the hall outside the kitchen door.

EPOV

I sighed as I rubbed my eyes with the back of my fingers, my exhaustion not abating no matter how much sleep I got.

I had been tempted to climb in Bella's window every night for the past damn week, knowing that only as I lay with her in my arms, would I get the night's sleep I needed. I was fucking frustrated as I tossed and turned in my own, thinking about nothing except her. I was fucking whipped, but when I was around her I couldn't fucking care less.

The moments when I could just randomly tell her I loved her, or even the moments when she said it to me, where the best of my day. I spent at least three hours with her every day after school, yet when it came time for me to go home, I still found it hard.

School fucking dragged in every day. I heard the gossip each day from Jessica and her minions as to where Bella was all week. Lauren, I noticed, was keeping her head down and trying her best to get Jessica to shut up, and I was pleased to note that she hadn't said anything regarding Bella.

Mike Newton was first on my hit list. Every damn day I would hear him asking someone if Bella was okay. Now, I wouldn't be so pissed off it was normal concern. Being a guy, I knew exactly what his game was, and it took everything in me not to smush him with my car when I saw him in the parking lot.

On top of all the pathetic stress, but stress nonetheless, of school, I had to deal with Esme. She was fucking driving me insane with her changing moods. I swear she was getting worse than me. She banned me from going to see Bella after nine at night, stating quite obviously that she wanted me in my own bed, alone, sleeping every night.

Any time Bella's name was mentioned in the house, instead of just going quiet or narrowing her eyes, she would get up and walk out of the room. She was on my back twenty-four seven about my fucking studying, insisting that I get a tutor that actually tutored me.

I had to state on the record that I would never lift my hand to a girl. I mean, I didn't even touch Lauren after the whole fucking up Bella thing, but by the end of the week, I was so close to hitting my own fucking mother. How much of an asshole did that make me?

What puzzled me more, though, was the way she acted around Carlisle. There were no more loving looks or warm gestures, and I tried to recall if it had been like that before we moved to Forks. That, ultimately, made me feel worse because I should have noticed before then that my parents were no longer getting along. Had I been so wrapped up in myself that I hadn't even noticed?

"Go see her, son. I can feel how anxious you are from here..." Carlisle chuckled softly from his spot on the sofa beside me. My leg had been bouncing up and down incessantly as the time ticked by. Emmett wasn't home from football practice and that meant Jasper wasn't either. Which meant Bella was still alone, as Charlie was spending the weekend in La Push.

"Mom said I couldn't go, she wanted me to stay for dinner..." I shrugged, playing it down, as if it wasn't bothering me that my mother quite obviously hated my girlfriend.

"Do you promise to be back for dinner?" Carlisle didn't look up from his paper, but I could see the small smirk playing on his lips.

"How long do you think I have?" I answered immediately.

He laughed before he could control it, holding up two fingers. Two hours wasn't nearly enough time, but it was better than going a whole day without seeing her.

I was up off the sofa and grabbing my keys before he could change his mind. I threw my jacket on and shut the front door behind me as quietly as I could. Esme probably heard it anyway, moms always know everything. So, I doubled my pace and was behind the wheel of the car and peeling out of the driveway, with my heart thumping in my chest as if I was escaping a high security prison.

I couldn't hide the smile as I raced my way to Bella's, even though it had been less than twenty-four hours since I had seen her last. It was as if I wasn't happy unless I had her in my arms on by my side every minute of the day - and you didn't need to tell me how obsessive that sounded. I just hated being away from her.

I felt confusion wash over me as I recognized Emmett's jeep parked in Bella's driveway. It had been a present from our parents for captaining our old school's football team to victory at the end of our previous year. Alice was the only one of us left without a car, my Volvo replacing the one I was given for gaining the highest GPA in my year. Before my accident of course. What were the odds that the smartest person in the year would have had to go back and re-do the same fucking year? Someone seriously had it in for me.

I pulled the Volvo up on the curb at the side of Emmett's so he could easily back out. It wasn't until I was getting out of my car that the jealousy hit me. It was irrational, I know, seeing as I didn't even know why he was there, but it was still sitting there in the pit of my stomach - warring with the feeling of unease that grew, the closer I got to the open front door.

I was about to call out when I stepped into the hall, but the sound of Bella's voice stopped me. It was colder than I had ever heard it, and the panic set in as she told Emmett to get out of her house. Had I heard her right?

His voice was shocked and quiet in response. What the fuck were they talking about? He needed her advice about something, maybe it was about Rosalie. I felt my jealousy receding as I neared the kitchen. I knew there was probably a reason I should make myself known, but I didn't think either of them would mind.

"First of all get that out of my house! If he finds out I knew about this he's never going to forgive me! At least he'll know I never looked in it! I can't believe you told me about this! I'm lying about enough already, Em! I can't cover up more of your family's fuck-ups!"

I stopped dead in my tracks, the blood draining from my face so quickly that I briefly thought I was going to pass out. They were talking about me. Or more than that, they were talking about what they were lying to me about. Bella's words registered slower than they should have, and the floorboard under my foot cracked as I turned to leave. Shit.

I walked into the kitchen, carefully taking in the scene in front of me. Emmett was standing beside the kitchen table, his bag in his hand, eyes wide with fear. However, my gaze traveled to Bella. Her face was white and the fear in her eyes was palpable from across the room. Fuck, I had done that. She was scared of how I was going to react. Again.

I had battled, the night we had been in the meadow, not to get angry with her. It had been the hardest fucking thing I had done, but I was adamant that I wasn't going to scare her with my temper again. Sure, I kicked my shit around and practically wrecked my room once I got home, but she didn't need to know that.

This time, however, I was too shocked to get angry. At least right away, and I thought that dawned on her. From the corner of my eye, I could see Emmett nervously twitching the bag in his hands as if it was burning him, but right at that moment, I wanted to talk to Bella. I wanted her to explain to me that she was lying to me again, or at least thinking about it, for a good fucking reason.

"Edward?" I looked back to the girl that had my emotions going from one end to the other all day every day, and noticed that she was trembling with fear.

"Shh, it's okay." I crossed the room and folded her into my arms without really thinking it over. She gasped softly before she buried her face into my chest, my open jacket engulfing her. Yeah, why wasn't I angry? No wonder she hadn't expected it - neither had I.

"Uh...Edward, will I see you at home?" A growl rumbled through my chest at Emmett's apparent indifference to the situation, and I regretted it immediately as Bella pulled away from me.

"No! I don't trust either of you to figure this out! You can stay here and talk! I'll be in here if you need me." Bella's voice rang out around the kitchen. I narrowed my eyes at her, knowing that she knew I would agree to whatever she said. It was a cheap trick if you ask me.

She simply shrugged her shoulders at me before giving me a shy smile, telling me she was still nervous about how I was feeling. I leaned down slowly, releasing her lip from her teeth with my own. She opened her mouth to me without me even having to ask, but I kept it light and quick, knowing my brother was watching.

"Please don't kill each other," she said quietly. She was trying to make a light joke of the situation, but her voice turned a little panicked at the end. If I hadn't been strung so tightly I would have chuckled, instead I turned on my heel and narrowed my eyes at Emmett.

He led the way out of the kitchen into the living area, and with one last squeeze to my hand, Bella stepped back, and I left her alone wondering what and how our conversation was going to be.

I could only hope it was another moment of truth, literally, as I raked in a breath and tugged my hand through my hair aggressively.

"Look I...I...where do you want me to start?" Emmett's leg bounced around nervously much like mine had and I sighed.

"The beginning would be good, Em..." He nodded, looking almost thankful. Clearly, he had picked up on my tone of resignation and noted I was barely even angry anymore.

"Right, yeah...beginning..."

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**We've made it! Through yet another mishap! When will the road ever be less bumpy? How is Edward going to take this news? What is Emmett gonna say! Ah!**

**Review please! The review number seems to get less and less with every chapter :(**

**And I do not believe for a second that no one wants to take a crack at beta-ing my new one! C'mon...you know you want to...give me a bell if any of y'all are interested :P**

**Follow all the FMN goings ons with me on twitter (at)LiveInDakota or over on the blog at www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogpsot(com)**

**Hope to get at least one review...?**

**xx**


	25. Written In History

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**It's been over two weeks! I apologize but at the same time I'm happy I waited! My wonderful beta is unfortunately on holiday (not for her) so this chappy isn't beta'd either...I was just far too impatient to leave it a day more :P So I apologize for any slips or mistakes :)**

**This is another major milestone in the FMN life for me :P We've made it to chapter 25! I had to make sure that this was right before I posted it for y'all and I'm super glad of my last line! I've waited 25 chapters to get that in there as it was the one line that started this whole journey for me! I honestly can't believe the support and praise this story has been given and I love every single one of your reviews from the bottom of my heart I thank y'all for reading and sticking with me :)**

**Enough of the mush! We're back in Bella's POV to see how Edward's gonna react...maybe not the way y'all think! We get an insight into how Edward is really coping with everything and some steps forward in our favourite couple's relationship :)**

**And I just want to take a wee moment to apologize! Some of these chapters have been beta'd and re-read a million times but when I upload them onto here, for some reason my words run into one another! Yes, there should be a space between two different words, I do know that, but for some reason this site is out to get me so please read over them and know that I know they are there :P**

**Enjoy and I'll talk to y'all at the end :P**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight, but all ForgetMeNot characterisations and plotlines are copyrighted of LiveInDakota2010 All plaigarism will be punishable and reported so just don't do it.**

**x**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Five: Written in History**

You wait for a silence  
I wait for a word  
Lie next to your frame  
Girl unobserved

You change your position  
And you are changing me  
Casting these shadows  
Where they shouldn't be

We're interrupted, by the heat of the sun  
Trying to prevent what's already begun  
You're just a body  
I can smell your skin  
And when I feel it, you're wearing thin...

But I've got a plan

Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?  
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?  
'Cause I'd rather pretend  
I'll still be there at the end  
Only it's too hard to ask...won't you try to help me?

Sat on your sofa...it's all broken springs  
This isn't the place for those violin strings  
I try out a smile and I aim it at you  
You must have missed it  
You always do

But I've got a plan  
Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?  
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?  
Because I'd rather pretend  
I'll still be there at the end  
Only it's too hard to ask...won't you try to help me?

You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted  
You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted  
You wait, I wait, casting shadows, interrupted

You wait, I wait, casting shadows...

But I've got a plan  
Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?  
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?  
'Cause I'd rather pretend  
I'll still be there at the end  
Only it's too hard to ask...won't you try to help me?

Why don't you be the artist; and make me out of clay?  
Why don't you be the writer and decide the words I say?  
'Cause I'd rather pretend  
I'll still be there at the end  
Only it's too hard to ask...won't you try to help me?

_The Writer - Ellie Goulding _

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

I could hear their voices, but I couldn't make out what was being said. I battled every urge in me that told me to eavesdrop, and instead tried to focus on the washing and chores that had to be done for another day.

I took solace in the fact that no voices were raised and hoped that that meant things were going smoothly. Edward had surprised me beyond words when he had gathered me into his arms. I had thought for sure that it was time for him to lose his cool, having had just too much to handle. Instead, he had crossed the kitchen with his eyes trained on me and folded me into his arms. I thought at the time his hugs shouldn't be limited to just one person, and felt selfish for monopolizing them simply because they made me feel so safe.

I had kissed him plenty of times, made out with him to the point where it had come close to going too far, but simply being in his arms and surrounded by his scent had the same effect on me as anything else. It was a feeling I had grown to cherish every minute of during my summer last year, and that was exactly what I was going to do again.

I made my way around the kitchen in a bit of a daze, not wholly concentrating on anything I was setting my hands to. Washing was taken out of the machine and put into the dryer before I put another load in to wash, I wiped the surfaces, even going as far as to make sure the stainless steel kettle and taps were clean.

When I got bored of the kitchen I moved into the back porch, setting Charlie's fishing gear into order, washing the floor and stacking the shoes on the shoe rack in a way that probably made me look like I had major OCD.

With a look at my watch, I noticed nearly an hour had passed and I wondered just how long it would take to have a conversation as important as theirs. I realized Edward and I had yet to have a conversation of that magnitude, appreciating that our talk in the meadow had been important at the time, but compared to what he was going through, was considerably less significant in the bigger picture.

My heart felt heavy as I padded quietly back into the kitchen. It was our "big talk" that weighed on my mind every minute of every day. With each day that passed, however, my evaluation of how he would react changed. Taking into account what had transpired not an hour before, I held hope in my heart that maybe he would see things differently from the old Edward and understand that I loved him more than anything.

My heart sank again, though, as I rested my pelvis against the kitchen counters and gazed out of the window. This was no fairytale – we all knew this was more like a nightmare than anything, so that meant it was more likely that love_ couldn't_ overcome everything. Maybe my love for him wouldn't be enough, but I had to keep faith in the fact that no matter how he reacted, he would come around eventually.

Therefore, I had been setting myself up every day for Edward's imminent departure. How would I cope if he left me again? Even for a small amount of time. I would give him it if that was what he needed. If he asked for time alone to think things through, to sort out all the mess in his life, then I would give him it without hesitation, but that didn't mean another piece of my heart wouldn't break off in the process.

I had to hide my panic every night when he left me. I knew he was under strict instruction from Esme to be home every night, but it didn't stop the heart-failing ache that settled over me when I watched him drive away into the darkness. No matter how irrational my feeling was, there was still a part of me, which I deemed would always be there, that honestly thought I'd never see him again.

I couldn't blame Edward for that. I was past using him as my excuses – I liked to think I had grown up a little since his return. I couldn't have him worrying over my trust issues, especially when he had so much more to think about.

I thought that he caught my looks of distress each night before I managed to cover them up. A part of me told me that although he didn't remember me, he could still read me as well as he had come to over our summer. But if he did know what I was going through, then he kept it to himself as, every night, he would kiss me passionately, whisper that he loved me and walk away. Those moments hurt the most.

I was so deep into my own dark thoughts that I missed the fact I was no longer alone. Edward's arms circled my waist and his chin came down to rest lightly on my shoulder. His posture wasn't tense and his touch was gentle as I relaxed back into his solid frame, and I smiled faintly at the comfort he brought me when I knew he was okay.

"I love you," I said automatically.

It wasn't premeditated or thought through. I had simply opened my mouth and let my heart do the rest. I didn't know if that's what he wanted to hear, but something inside me told me he needed it, whether he realized it or not.

His arms squeezed me to him briefly before his hands found my hips and he turned me to face him. I gasped softly and smiled sadly at the pain and anguish etched across his face. My right hand found his temple, and I softly traced my finger around his eye, and down across his jaw continually, hoping that I could ease some of his sudden tension, but after several minutes it didn't seem to be working.

"Why?" he asked quietly.

"Because you're strong and brave, kind, caring, funny, smart, gorgeous, intense, loyal, thoughtful, protective, sexy, sweet and loving. I love you, Edward." I smiled at him, knowing I hadn't even hesitated at his question. I loved everything about him and my list could go on for days.

"But I'm hurting you..." His brow furrowed in what looked like concentration, and it occurred to me that he was talking about his memory. My breath caught in my throat, drawing his attention back to me and his eyes locked back onto mine. He knew he had forgotten me and he knew I was hurting, telling me I wasn't doing as good a job as I thought in hiding it from him.

"It's not your fault, Edward." He closed his eyes tightly and shook his head.

"I never want to hurt you, Bella..." The pain in his eyes as he reopened them nearly knocked me over, the intensity making my heart squeeze painfully.

"I know."

Our faces were so close that I whispered my response, running my fingers through the front of his hair and lightly scraping my short nails across his scalp to soothe him.

"I love you, Bella." He almost sighed my name, and I felt my knees go weak, slumping my body against his.

His hold tightened on my hips and I felt his thumbs brush under my vest-top, raising goosebumps on my skin in their wake. Needing to be closer, I pressed my lips to his, seeking an answer to an unvoiced question. I needed to know we were okay after yet another bump in our long road.

My answer came as his lips moved softly with mine, giving and taking in the perfect balance. I whimpered quietly as he bit my bottom lip gently, and I weaved my fingers into the back of his hair to bring myself closer to him, somehow wanting to anchor him to me for eternity. I could go forever attached to his lips.

As usual, my inner monologue turned to mush when Edward was touching me, and I took the time to tell myself to shut up and just enjoy the moment. Edward's arms around me, holding me and keeping me safe may have been one of the best feelings I could think of, but kissing him, trying to show him just how much I loved him, was by far, one of the only things in life I could honestly say I couldn't go without.

With that thought he pulled away, pressing a chaste kiss to my swollen lips and smiling against my skin as he burrowed his face into the crook between my neck and shoulder. I slumped in relief that some of the pain he had been overpowered with had evaporated for the moment. I would spend as long as I could trying to take his pain away.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him to me and enjoying the sensation as he gently rocked us as one. Connected. That was the only word that could describe us at that moment. I knew what he was going through, marginally, and I understood why. _He_ knew I knew, and understood what he was feeling and seemed thankful that I was there.

I was thankful that somehow the universe had brought him back to me.

He may have come in a battered package, mishandled without care, but he was back in my arms and holding me, telling me he loved me, and loving me like I was sure no one else could. As I did every night before sleep took me, I sent a silent prayer up to whoever was listening for letting me have this one thing in my life.

When he pulled away from me, I suddenly became nervous, knowing I had to ask him something I wasn't sure he'd want to answer. Technically it was none of my business, but I needed to know what had been said and what he had decided about what he'd found out.

"Ask me anything, Bells..." I smiled at the nickname, noting that he used it very seldom, but I loved it when he did.

"What did...I mean...how did it go in there?" I nodded my head in the direction of the living area, where Emmett was no doubt still sitting as he had yet to appear.

"He told me the truth...about them hiding my stuff after the accident and why they did it...I always thought Emmett would be the one to tell me something first..." He laughed lightly and I smiled faintly at the fact he wasn't overly angry.

"So...what happens now?" He flicked his thumb over my bottom lip where I had once again been unconsciously biting it.

"He gave me my notebook...but..." He let me go and stepped over to the table, where I noticed he had laid the book down when he came back into the kitchen. I furrowed my brows in confusion and my heart rate picked up simultaneously as he held it out to me.

There was no doubt in my mind that I was in that book, somewhere and in some form. I wasn't sure I was ready to look through it together; selfishly I wanted more time with him before the missing piece of the puzzle fell into place. At the same time, I was confused as to why he was giving it to me anyway. It was a part of him, a part of his past that he couldn't remember, and he was handing it to me.

"I don't want it just now...I want you to have it." He smiled softly for the first time in what felt like days. My jaw dropped as I stared at him, not entirely sure I had heard him right. When I started to shake my head in protest, he laid the book back down and grasped my head between his hands.

"I know there are still things I don't know about you...maybe even us...but I'm not ready for that book yet, Bella...I guess I've grown up enough to realize that you all really are looking out for me. If they hid it from me then they obviously had their reasons, and whatever is in that book scares the fuck out of me. I don't want to remember like that...I want to know that when I remember it, it's because it was important to me and I've finally figured it the fuck out...please understand?"

His thumbs brushed at tears that had begun to fall from my eyes. Was it relief? Awe? Happiness? Or just that my love for him had grown exponentially in around thirty seconds? He sounded so broken and yet so sure of what he had decided.

His reaction shocked the hell out of me. This was a side to Edward I wasn't entirely sure existed. He wasn't angry, he understood. He was beginning to believe that those around him really did love him and only wanted the best for him. He was trusting me more than I believed I deserved by giving me his memories that were so close to his reach.

"You will remember, Edward. I'm sorry it's taking so long..." His eyes flicked between mine and he smiled sadly, reading between the lines of what I had said. I knew how much pain it was causing him.

"I forget all the bad stuff when I'm with you, Bella." We both laughed at his words and he rolled his eyes at the irony of his statement. "You make the pain bearable." I smiled through my tears before pressing my lips to his again, sealing our understanding between us.

My heart was thudding dramatically in my chest, recognizing the major step we had just taken as a couple. Our foreheads were resting against one another and our breath was mixing as we kept our eyes locked together. There could have been a fucking tornado ripping through the house and I was sure I wouldn't have noticed.

He shocked me by suddenly pulling back, and it took all I had not to head butt him to the nose in the process. He chuckled warmly at my klutziness, and it was my turn to roll my eyes in response.

Edward weaved his fingers through mine and tugged lightly until I was standing free of the counter top and I arched my eyebrow in question.

"I have to be back for dinner...I had to fucking creep out to even get here..." I couldn't mask the way my face fell. There was always going to be a time when he had to leave, we had separate lives for Christ sake, it was relatively normal for him to leave to have dinner with his family.

"I don't want to leave you yet...come with me?" The hope in his voice was barely disguised, and I found myself smiling and nodding before I really thought it through.

"No, wait! Edward...Esme won't want me there..." There was no point in ignoring the fact that it was blatantly obvious she didn't like me. His brow furrowed momentarily before he shrugged and tugged me to him.

"I want you there...and if she wants _me_ there, then that means she'll just have to get used to the fact that we come as a package." I flushed at the way he was looking at me, but didn't bother to hide the grin that overtook my features.

"So, we're a package now, huh?" I caught the faint tinge of pink that colored Edward's cheeks, and laughed at the fact he was actually blushing.

"I guess that's what I want...I already asked you to be my girlfriend, remember?"

I didn't know why they didn't have the same effect on me when he asked me in my room that morning, maybe I was too high on painkillers to realize. They weren't exactly the same words he used in New York, but hell if they weren't close enough to bring tears to my eyes. Of course I remembered...he was the one who didn't realize he had just asked me the same question he had eight months before. It took Edward a moment to figure out that he'd hit a nerve.

"Fuck, Bella...I didn't mean to upset you..." He had no idea what he had done wrong, and I felt stupid for even getting upset.

"It's nothing. I just..." What the hell was I supposed to say to him?

"You've heard them before...someone else has asked you that?" I nodded, biting my lip, knowing that was as close to the truth as I could give him. I saw the anger flash through his eyes as he imagined the "other guy" who had broken my heart.

He pulled me even closer to his body, wrapping his arms securely around my torso and holding me to him. I could feel his breath fanning across the top of my head, and it wasn't long before the gentle rise and fall of his chest and his scent lulled me back into a calm state.

"Yes." My whispered word hung in the air between us before Edward finally pulled back. He left his hands resting atop my shoulders as he put enough distance between us to look into my eyes. He obviously found what he was looking for because he suddenly smiled, the happiness even reaching his eyes, before he pressed yet another kiss to my lips.

"Love you," he mumbled. It wasn't his words, although they always had an impact, instead it was the smile that was present on his face that made me blush and smile in return. It truly was a seldom thing to behold and something I knew to cherish. I loved seeing him happy.

A sharp knock on the kitchen door, even though it was open, grabbed our attention and I turned from Edward to his just-as-handsome older brother standing in the doorway, looking sheepish with his hands stuffed in his pockets. I laughed quietly at the look on his face, as though he had walked in on something worse.

"Edward, dude, Mom's looking for us. Dad says we better get back if we want to be fed." Emmett laughed, but the tension in the kitchen told us all that maybe Carlisle was being deadly serious.

"Bella's coming...tell them to set another place at the table..." My gulp was audible and both guys turned to look at me, one of them squeezing my fingers in reassurance.

"I'll just get my stuff." I fled from the kitchen as quickly as I could, my nerves attacking me at the thought of being back in the Cullen household.

I quickly ran the brush through my hair and cleaned my teeth in the bathroom before heading into my room. I ignored my unmade bed, grabbing my phone from the bedside cabinet and stuffing it into my jeans pocket.

I shoved my feet into my shoes, noting they were similar to the ones Edward had on, and shut my door behind me quietly. Both brothers were quietly waiting for me at the foot of the stairs, one with his arm out as he watched me carefully and slowly descend towards him. With a small smile and a squeeze of his outstretched hand, we followed Emmett out the door.

He clambered into the front of his jeep while Edward led me, his hand on my lower back, to his Volvo that was parked on the sidewalk. As I waited for him to make his way back round to his side of the car, I watched Emmett reverse from the driveway and remembered his words.

_"The way he loves you, Bella...There's no way he'll never remember you. The way he feels about you, although forgotten for months, can overcome anything..."_

_"The way you love my brother? It seems like you're the only one who can bring him back and for that...our whole family owes you everything..."_

Was he right? I had already said love couldn't overcome everything, but Emmett seemed to have endless faith in the fact that Edward would definitely remember the way he felt.

As he buckled himself in beside me I decided now was as good a time as any to ask him how it felt. I could grasp at how he was feeling inside, but I'd never truly understand just how much he was suffering unless he shared it with me.

He was driving slowly, a lot slower than normal, and I wondered if he was purposefully delaying arriving at his house. Maybe he was as nervous as I was at being with his parents. I had to remember to talk to Carlisle. I needed to apologize. Maybe talking to Edward would distract him from the train wreck that was awaiting us.

"Edward? Can we talk?" I noticed his whole posture stiffen and tense from my peripheral vision. I guess I didn't blame him, those words never meant anything good.

"What about?" I noticed he didn't say "of course" like he normally did. He noticed the change in atmosphere, too. He tried to keep his tone light, but I could detect the panic he was attempting to hide. I placed my hand atop his tensed one on the gear stick and felt some of his tension evaporate at my touch. I watched as he turned his hand palm up and weaved his fingers through mine, all without taking his eyes from the road.

"About how you feel? I want to understand..." I bit my lip, wondering how he was going to take the way our conversation was going.

"I, uh...I don't know if I get what you mean."

Ah, denial, how I missed you.

"I know it wasn't Emmett's place to tell me anything, and I'm sorry that it happened, but I can't ignore what I know..." His eyes flew to mine briefly and whatever he found in my expression made him squeeze my fingers gently.

"What do you want to know?"

What _did_ I want to know? I knew I couldn't ask him everything, so what did I want to ask him first?

"How...what does it feel like to not remember it?"

The word "it" hung in the tense air around us, and I cringed, wishing I could take it back. Edward picked up on my newest slip, his grip on my hand intensifying to the point of pain. I had basically just told him there was something between us he hadn't remembered. I was such a fuck-up at not telling him anything.

"At first...I guess it was a bit like being numb...I didn't want to do anything because I second guessed myself at everything. It felt like if I sat down to do something I asked myself "have I done this before?" It got really frustrating after, like, a week, and I basically locked myself in my room and threw myself a pity party." He laughed humorlessly, and I squeezed his hand, not liking the distaste I heard in his voice when talking about himself.

"After that...it got steadily worse. Each day it would occur to me that my family where hiding things from me. They were all holding things back, I could see them thinking through what they said in front of me in case they let something slip.

"The shrinks just made it worse. They all wanted me to talk about my emotions, but no one could understand that I literally felt nothing at the time. After the second month passed, I basically hated everything and everyone around me. I couldn't trust anyone or any situation I found myself in. I couldn't even fucking remember what had caused me to lose my memory in the first place.

"Sure, Carlisle told me I was in a car accident, but they wouldn't tell me where I was going or even where the fuck it had happened. What if I had been on my way to see someone or something? I couldn't even remember...I just had to trust that everything had been taken care of by my parents...but how could I do that when I couldn't trust them?

"It basically just became one vicious circle. My recovery rested on me opening up and trusting those around me, but I found I just couldn't do it. Carlisle talked to me about moving here before anyone else, wanting to know if getting out of Chicago would help me. I guess, looking back, I can see that he was only ever doing what he could to help me. I was oblivious to anything but myself for so long I didn't even see my own fucking family falling apart, and it was my fault it was fucking happening in the first place.

"I was so selfish, Bella. Even up until, like, ten days ago...all I thought about was myself and how something could affect me or if something was happening because of me. It wasn't until you went into the hospital that I finally realized I could care about something else, that there was more going on around me than my own pitiful existence.

"Caring and worrying about you gave me something else to concentrate on, something to take my mind off the pathetic excuse of a life I had been living. Being with you gave me a kind of structure. I could base my days and my thoughts around you instead of the things that were in ashes around me. When I told you I loved you, I felt like finally I had something worth remembering _for_..."

I blinked furiously keeping my impending tears from falling. Edward's voice had sounded so empty throughout his little speech that I found it hard to remember him being anything else.

It was clear he still felt the same way, only trying to make it seem better when telling me, and I hated the fact that he was still so vulnerable and in so much pain.

"I wish...I guess I wish you could see yourself the way I do..." I answered quietly. His eyes sought out mine as he slowed on the highway, and he smiled sadly as he flicked the indicator on.

"I know what I am, Bella...that's why I was so scared to tell you I loved you..."

"I don't understand..." My voice sounded small and childlike even to my ears as it floated out into the car.

"I'm broken, Bella, there isn't a whole person inside of me. I feel like something happened last year that made me who I am today and I can't even remember what it is...what does that make me? I guess I'll always feel unworthy of you until I know who I am..."

His words stuck in my head on a painful loop. He knows what he is, but not _who_ he is.

"I won't know my future until I remember my past, Bella, and you deserve someone who can give you more than that..." I panicked when his hand left mine until I realized that we had stopped in front of his house while Emmett parked in the garage. The house was lit up in the waning light, and as I turned to Edward, I noticed that it flooded the car too.

His eyes were screwed up and he was pinching the bridge of his nose in one of his trademark poses. I needed to do something to help, and it didn't occur to me if I would do damage with what I was saying,

"You're the same person you were then, Edward, you even do the same things..." I was looking at his fingers that were pinching his nose when his eyes snapped open to look at me. From the corner of my eye, I watched his eyes flicker between his hand and my eyes before he slowly dropped it and turned to look at me.

"Bella?" He whispered my name in what sounded like confusion, bringing me back to the moment and alerting me to what I had just said.

"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said that..." I scrabbled to unbuckle my seat belt, and turned to find the door handle when Edward's hand closed around my closest arm.

I turned to look at him, surprised by the look on his face. It wasn't surprise or shock or confusion, but instead a small smile and a look of gratitude. I sat still, staring at him, wondering what his next move would be.

"Thank you." I opened my mouth to say the usual "you're welcome," but when I remembered what he was thanking me for, the words caught in my throat, no sound coming out. I certainly hadn't expected that. "You told me exactly what I needed to know before I knew I needed it." I returned his small smile before he leaned across the center console and pressed his lips to mine.

"I love you, Edward, so much."

"I know." His words whispered across my lips before his own did, and I hummed in appreciation. Maybe I could slowly acclimate him to the fact that we were so much more once.

We both turned at the sound of Emmett's muffled voice as it penetrated the car glass. We had just made ourselves later than we originally were as we found him standing on the porch with the door open behind him. While we had been sitting there he had been into the house and back out to get us.

"Time to face the music." Edward's breath washed across the side of my face and I nodded, swallowing the nerves that had suddenly attacked me again.

"You do realize this isn't going to be a happy family dinner, right?"

I wasn't sure if I had crossed a line with my snarky remark, but I saw Edward nod from beside me before he got out of the car. He jogged round the front of the Volvo and opened my door for me, holding his hand out to help me up.

"As long as you're with me, Bella, I don't care..."

I smiled and bit my lip, still not convinced that he realized how much problem my presence was going to cause. As he shut my door behind me, he said something else I wasn't expecting.

"Maybe we can make new memories?" he asked as if it wasn't an important statement. I stopped dead in my tracks, causing him to run straight into the back of me, and I turned to look at him in shock.

He smiled sweetly before cupping my face in his hand. His eyes didn't leave mine as he leaned down to kiss me again. I felt my shock and anxiousness fade with the feeling of his lips on mine, which was probably his goal all along. He rested his forehead on mine and although we both knew Esme was standing on the porch with her arms folded across her chest in annoyance, Edward prepared himself to say something else.

"The only thing that defines me _now_...is you, Bella..."

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes: (Quite long) :)**

**Sooo? What do we think? How cute was Edward there? And don't you just foresee the shit hitting the fan? Cause I do! And my last line! The one phrase that started this whole bumpy journey :P**

**Review please! D'yu think y'all can get me up to 200? I only need 7 more for that to happen! Hit that button! :):)**

**I'm taking a wee minute just to say that I've made a new friend in _mrsedwardcullen912_ and I'm taking this wee minute to pimp out her awesome new fic _"Phoenix Rising_". If you love angst and love as much as I do then this is your next "must read". Go on over and give it a wee read and leave her a little review that us authors love so much :) Much appreciated! x**

**Now back to me! Follow all the FMN gossip and me on twitter (at)LiveInDakota or over on my blog at www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**I love to hear all you're thoughts and I'm always asking for opinions and ideas for my chapters on twitter, so join in the fun and maybe you'll find your idea is in our next chapter :P**

**Also! I have a new fic called _"Beyond The Glass"_ that I will be posting very soon! Add me to your favourite author list to catch it's appearance! This one contains cocky musician Edward who happens to cross paths with young new protegé Bella as they are signed to the same label...long nights in the studio are bound to bring out artistic passions surely? Please pop over and let me know what you think when it comes out :)**

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**Sarah x**


	26. The Elephant In The Room

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Firstly I would like to say that the reviews for the last chapter seriously blew me away! I can't thank y'all enough for taking the time out to invest in this story :P I love y'all for it :p**

**Secondly, amynic1 and I have decided to start an Esme Bashers Anonymous...to relieve you of your frustration and hate of this portrayal of Esme...let me know if you want to join and I'll give y'all a shout out in the next chapter and on my blog :P**

**Thirdly, I wasn't kidding when I said the shit was about to hit the fan. I am literally going into hiding round about now because I'm pretty sure some of you will hate me and Bella for the end of this chapter...until then there's some sweetness in there :P Where there's an Edward, there's cute and cuddly and of course angst and hate :P**

**And fourthly...I may have mentioned the last line in the last chapter a few times...so happy it's there! Does anyone wanna be a gem and make me another banner with that line included? It's the essence of this story and while I love the banner I have, it would mean so much :) So please get in touch if you're up for the challenge :) As always you will be rewarded :P**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight (Grrr) but all characterisations and plot lines of Forget Me Not are copyrighted of LiveInDakota2010. All plaigarism will be reported and punishable so just don't do it! :P**

**Enjoy folks and I'll talk to y'all at the end! :)**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Six: The Elephant in the Room**

Lyin' next to you  
Wishing I could disappear...  
Let you fall asleep  
And vanish out into thin air..

It's the elephant in the room  
And we pretend that we don't see it.  
It's the avalanche that looms above our heads  
And we don't believe it.

Tryin' to be perfect,

Tryin' not to let you down...  
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now...  
While the floors underneath our feet are crumbling  
The walls we built together tumblin'  
I still stand here holdin' up the roof  
Cause it's easier than telling the truth.

I still keep your photographs  
I remember how we used to laugh.

I can keep on losin' sleep  
If you're okay with being torn in half.

It's the elephant in the room  
And we pretend that we don't see it.  
It's an avalanche that looms above our heads  
But we don't believe it.

Tryin' to be perfect, tryin' not to let you down...  
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now...  
While the floors underneath our feet are crumblin'  
The walls we built together tumblin'  
I still stand here holdin' up the roof  
Cause it's easier than telling the truth.

Stop ignoring that our hearts are mourning  
And let the rain come in.  
Stop pretending that it's not ending  
And let the end begin...

Tryin' to be perfect, tryin' not to let you down...  
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now...  
While the floors underneath our feet are crumblin'  
The walls we built together tumblin'  
I still stand here holdin' up the roof  
Cause it's easier than telling the truth.

It's easier than telling the truth...

_The Truth - Kris Allen ft Pat Monahan_

* * *

Edward's POV

At least I knew her newest batch of tears _were _happy ones. For the millionth time, I wasn't sure if my words were going to be too much, but everything with Bella felt perfectly right.

In that one moment in her kitchen, it had all become so plain to see that she was in nearly as much pain as I had been trying to hide for months. I had already come to terms with the fact we had met before, but her words over the course of the day had cemented in my mind it definitely wasn't a one-time meeting.

Maybe mystery girl was Bella? I couldn't let myself think that. Bella wouldn't be lying to me like _that._ If they were the same person then my whole family would have practically set me up. Even thinking about it made me shiver in a sort of repulsion.

I had fallen in love with Bella over the past three weeks, and I didn't want to think that it was all fabricated because I had actually never fallen out of love with her or some shit. She'd have at least hinted we were more than just friends already. At least, that was what I told myself. The alternative got me too angry to contemplate.

So I had asked her if we could make new memories. My words had had more of an impact than I anticipated; upsetting her, but her tears were happy. Not like when I asked her to be my girlfriend. That had backfired so fucking badly it was humiliating. My words had obviously evoked bad memories for her and although I was envious she even fucking had them, I felt like an asshole for bringing them back to her when they clearly upset her so much. I didn't want to hurt Bella. Not if I could help it.

I knew Esme was watching us, but it seemed like the perfect moment to tell her. She was the only thing real that I had left. Everything I did was for her now, and she was the only thing that had me keeping faith that I would recover. I had long since given up, honestly believing that the doctors clearly had it wrong, but since Bella had arrived in my life, I had had more memories than ever. I told myself that I wasn't with her for that reason. I loved her and I wanted to be with her, whether I remembered things every day or not.

She lifted herself up onto her tiptoes and pressed her small mouth against mine, her smile evident against my lips. I smiled in return, our kiss probably looking awkward and stupid to anyone else, and we both laughed at the fact it didn't work. I didn't care, she was laughing. Fuck, _I _was laughing, and it was fucking good enough.

The sound of my mother clearing her throat made me pull back to look at her over the top of Bella's head. How can someone make clearing their throat sound condescending? Bella stiffened at the sound, and the nerves that had been attacking me since I proposed her joining me came back full force.

I wasn't stupid or fucking blind. It was fucking obvious my mom didn't like or approve of Bella, but I honestly didn't give a shit. I loved her, so she'd just have to fucking get used to it. I was well aware that if Emmett had brought Rose with little warning there wouldn't have been a problem. She wouldn't get away with treating my girlfriend with anything but respect, even if she was my mom.

"Dinner's on the table..." She glanced over the back of Bella's body as I kept her huddled into me, before turning on her housewife heel and making her way back into the house.

"I can just get Charlie to come and pick me up on his way home..." Bella sounded utterly defeated, and I understood why she wanted to leave, but even then I panicked at her willingness to separate us.

"I know this isn't going to go smoothly, Bells...but I need you here..." It didn't escape my notice that that was the first time I had said "need" instead of "want". It was fucking true. I needed her like I needed fucking air; on top of the fact that I wanted her with me every minute of the day. Yeah, I was turning into a possessive fucker.

"We can do anything together, right?" Once again, our conversation went deeper than anyone else's ever would at our age, but it didn't scare either of us off.

She nodded her small head into my chest, and I chuckled at the way she deliberately clunked her forehead and chin off me in repeat.

"Plus, she needs to get used to us eventually...'cause I'm not letting you go again."

Her head snapped up and she locked eyes with me, probably wondering if I meant it the way it had sounded. I smiled sweetly at her and watched as her body relaxed in my hold, her worries over Esme temporarily forgotten.

I hid the unease that washed over me from her. Why had I said again? Sure we had spent a week apart, but was that really what I meant? No matter how many times I told myself I did indeed mean that painful week when she wouldn't even fucking see me, something inside told me I hadn't. Yet another thought that scared the shit out of me. What had happened last summer?

"I'm starved..." I chuckled loudly as I grasped my hand in hers and led her up the porch steps.

The quiet sounds of dishes hitting each other floated to us as we made our way into the dining room at the back of the house. Everyone was already seated and I noticed with annoyance that the two spare seats weren't beside each other. However, I also noticed that neither of them were near my mom. I guess that was a plus.

I helped Bella into her chair to the left of my dad, who was seated at the top of the table in his usual seat. I pushed her in slightly before rounding Carlisle's chair and sitting opposite her. I noticed Alice watching Bella with a blank expression on her face, while Emmett was smirking full out at me; knowing already that our meal wasn't going to go well. I guess I was just glad that Emmett and his hulking form were separating my girl and my mom.

"How's your dad, Bella?" I shot Carlisle a thankful look that he had included her in the conversation and was making a pleasant effort.

Bella blushed under the sudden attention, but smiled at my father before answering. Her answer didn't register with me as an unbidden thought popped into my mind.

Something had changed. She had never been unkind or cold to Carlisle per-se, but something wasn't sitting right with me. There was something different in the way she angled her body towards him when she answered, smiled genuinely and even laughed a little at something he said. It wasn't jealousy coursing through my veins because I knew what the fuck that felt like when it concerned Bella. It was something more unsettling...simply because it was, well, unsettling.

_Something wasn't right._

I caught Emmett looking between them and me from his perch beside Bella and it clicked. If he had told me the same thing he had spoken to Bella about, then she now knew what I had also been oblivious to. The things he had done for his family, the things he had done for me. My unease slipped away as I watched her. She seemed to be showing her appreciation for what she now knew.

I knew that in any other time or space I would have gotten angry at the thought of my brother spilling our family secrets to Bella before I even fucking knew - and he knew it, too. When our eyes caught, he looked genuinely scared of my reaction, as if he could read my thoughts. However, the anger didn't come, instead I smirked at him before turning my attention back to the girl I loved.

When I excluded my mom from the picture, Bella seemed to fit in perfectly. Emmett already adored her, becoming fiercely protective of her at school and giving me a run for my money. Before things went crazy with Alice, they seemed to get along well, and there she was, having a conversation with my dad, even asking him how his day at work was. Emmett and I never did that.

"You'll stay in the living room tonight."

My dad's random remark made me wonder what he was talking about. It wasn't like him to play the parent card, and I wasn't even sure that's what he was doing. Surely, he wasn't talking about Bella being in my room. Bella looked just as puzzled by his request as I did.

"Edward's room is on the third floor...I don't want you climbing that many stairs while you're in my home. What kind of doctor would that make me?" I chuckled along with him, relieved that he was only looking out for her, and I smirked when Bella caught my eye and blushed.

Now, what could she possibly be thinking about?

I quirked my eyebrow at her in question and nearly groaned when she bit her lip. I shifted in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable, and nearly gasped when I felt her small foot connect with the side of my leg.

Just as suddenly as it had happened, her foot was gone. What the fuck had just happened? Bella was _never_ usually that forward. She blushed even redder and shook her head minutely before turning her attention back to her food, leaving me sitting there, shocked and fucking turned on.

"Yes, well, you'll be staying downstairs anyway..." My mom's voice broke from the other side of the table since dinner had begun, and I swiveled my eyes to stare at her.

And so it began, she couldn't even make it thirty minutes.

"Esme..." My dad's voice rang out like a warning shot in the silent room.

"No...that's how it all starts...alone in his room and suddenly she's telling us she's pregnant..." My jaw hit the table, Emmett choked on his food, Carlisle dropped his fork, and Bella gasped in shock all at the same time. It couldn't have been better if it had been fucking rehearsed.

"Yeah, and we all know that just ruins your life!" Bella snapped from the other side of the table and my shock turned to her instead. That, certainly hadn't been what I expected. And what had made her say it?

"How dare you..." My mother's voice was a harsh whisper, and I felt a chill run down my spine at the sheer hatred in it.

"No! Don't you dare! I knew it was a bad idea for coming here, but I did it for him!" Her hand shot out to point at me as she pushed her chair back and stood up, all eyes trained on her. "I made the effort! You're his mother; you should be trying harder than me! But don't bother in future; I'll make my own way home!" She glanced at me, probably waiting for me to say something, but I was frozen to my seat in shock.

"Edward? Son, are you okay?" I looked at my dad; puzzled as to why he was asking me that and not Bella, or getting angry with my mom. When I glanced up I realized everyone was looking at me, and Bella was on her knees at my side.

My breathing was coming in ragged spurts, and I noticed all of that before I noticed the distant wave washing over me as my brain dragged something out of its murky depths.

"Edward, where are you?" Bella's voice finally pulled it out as her words echoed and changed into my mother's voice.

_Then: May 2009_

_"Edward, where are you?" Esme's voice echoed down the stairs into the basement, where for some reason, I had yet to move from._

_"Down here." I listened as her heels clipped across the kitchen floor and stopped at the top of the stairs._

_"Did you find them?" I snorted at her question. No, but what I had found was somehow a hundred times more intriguing._

_"Yeah!" I looked at the pictures in my hand once more. Esme was young, very young in the one at the top of the pile. Yet the man beside her was definitely in his early to mid-twenties._

_Something didn't sit right with me as I looked them over. I sat back up on my haunches and looked back into the box. There were cards; Valentines and Christmas, more pictures and a small black box in the bottom corner._

_Curiosity killed the cat didn't it? So of course, I picked it up, morbidly wanting to know what was in it, but somehow already knowing. It was one of _those_ boxes. It felt light and small in my hand before I flicked it open, and there sitting, shining back at me, was a fragile silver ring with at least four diamonds across the top of it._

_It looked ten times more expensive than the engagement ring she wore for Carlisle, and I wondered why she wasn't wearing that one. _

_It dawned on me probably slower than it should have. _

_This wasn't a ring from Carlisle. Nothing in that box was about Carlisle. _

_Esme had been proposed to before._

_I snapped it shut, feeling like I was intruding more than I was before. I was feeling weird even looking in the box. I stuffed the pictures back on the top and was about to shut the lid when a small, square one caught my eye. _

_My hand was trembling as I picked it up, its familiarity shocking me to the core. No, I had never held one, but I knew exactly what it was. _

_I was holding a fucking ultrasound in my hand and it scared the shit out of me._

_"Edward, what are you looking at?" Esme's voice floated over my shoulder as I turned the ultrasound round in my hand. "Edward?" Her voice turned to pure panic, and I whipped my head around to look at her, not taking in the words in front of me._

_"Mom, what is this?" Her eyes widened as she took in the object in my hand._

_"Put it back!" Her tone was pure cold hatred._

_"No...I..."_

_"Put it back, Edward! I won__'__t tell you again." I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, not used to hearing her raise her voice to anyone._

_"But?"_

_"PUT IT BACK!"_

Her scream shattered my memory and I cringed at the sound, but when I opened my eyes I realized the sound had come from me instead.

I was sitting with my back against the wall, much like I had been when I punched the mirror, with my dad and Bella hovering close to me.

Carlisle's cold fingers were checking my pulse of all things, while two of Bella's small hands clasped one of my sweating ones tightly on the floor at my thigh.

"Edward, can you hear me?" Of course I could fucking hear him he was right beside my fucking ear.

.

"Baby, you passed out...what happened?" I turned my head around to look at Bella, the too fast movement making the room spin. I clamped my eyes shut to stop the sensations and tried to remember what had happened. How the fuck had I gotten from the table to the wall and how long had I been out?

I found myself smiling, though, because she had just called me baby. Fuck, I was so whipped. I was sitting, happily content after passing out from emotional turmoil because my new girlfriend called my baby.

"Edward?" I opened my eyes to be met with my dad's confused expression. Bella squeezed my hand gently, bringing me back to the situation I was in. We were at the part where I had to share what I had remembered, but I was fucking confused by it, I didn't even know where to start.

"Edward, what was it?" I opened my mouth to tell them what I had remembered, but shut it soon after. Carlisle hadn't been in it this time but something told me, listening to it wouldn't be easy on him.

"Nothing..."

"Nothing doesn't make you black out, Edward." He sighed gently before sitting himself down on the floor opposite me, looking ten years older than normal.

"Babe...you're forgetting that he probably already knows..." I turned to Bella and felt instantly better at the small smile on her face and another gentle squeeze of my fingers.

"I...I was in the basement at home...in Chicago, I mean...and I found a box of stuff. I don't even really get what it was..."

"Take your time...you need to remember it...there's a chance you'll forget what you even saw if you don't hang onto it..." I raised my eyebrows in disbelief, not knowing that was possible. I had forgotten something before, to do with Bella, but fuck if I knew what it was now.

"It was, like, a shoebox - it was out of place amongst the other boxes, that's why it caught my eye. It was full of photos of mom and some guy...I guess whoever she was with before you. She looked, like, sixteen in them and it was weird to look at because he was like ten years older than her. Mom found me when I picked up an ultrasound picture...I was just about to read what it said on the back of it when she started screaming at me...I've never seen her like that before."

Bella gasped softly from beside me, and without thinking about it, I put my arm around her shoulder and squeezed her to me, wanting to comfort her, even though I was the one that needed comforted. However, the second she rested her hand on my chest and snuggled closer to me, I felt a calm sweep over me that no one else could bring. I turned my head and planted a soft kiss on the top of her head before turning back to my dad.

His eyes were sad and his face betrayed how tired he suddenly seemed. He was watching Bella with a small smile on his face, and I felt guilty for our display of affection when I was talking about his wife and a possible other child.

"I'm sorry..." His eyes flicked to mine and he shook his head slowly with a small frown.

"Son, you have nothing to be sorry for...I guess I'm sorry for what you're having to go through...I can't tell you what you're missing...but this was hard on you the first time round...I can't appreciate how scared you must be going through it again..."

I sat silent, absorbing the kindest words I had heard from my dad in what felt like years. I briefly wondered why I hadn't seen this side of him in recent months like Emmett had, but I was sidetracked by Bella.

"I'm not the only one who thinks you're strong and brave..."

Carlisle nodded, smiling at her kindly as she raised her head from my shoulder.

"Where's mom?" The smile slipped from my dad's face almost immediately, and I cursed myself for bringing her up.

"I don't know, son...I told her to take some time out. She had no right to speak to Bella the way she did. She took the car and left." I didn't know why I did it, but I leant forward from my spot and grasped his hand. The shock from my sudden touch flashed across his face before he squeezed back briefly and nodded in my direction.

"Come on. Let's get you two off the floor shall we?" Bella giggled lightly as he flourished his hand to help her up, and I couldn't help but smile at the comradeship between them. I hoisted myself up behind Bella, swaying slightly on the spot as the blood rushed through me too quickly.

"I just need to go to the bathroom...I'll be back in a minute." I fought the urge to pull Bella along behind me, instead settling on pressing a kiss to her forehead and waiting for her to nod to tell me she would be okay without me. Of course she would fucking be okay without me; what the hell did I think would happen to her in the five minutes I would be gone? I seriously needed to get to grip with my new possessive and protective feelings.

I swear I scoffed at the weird feeling that settled over me as I left her with my dad.

Bella's POV: Now

"I'm sorry dinner was ruined, I shouldn't have acted like that."

I followed Carlisle as he walked into the expansive Cullen kitchen. He stopped at the island and turned to look at me with a frown.

"You needn't apologize, Bella. My wife was out of line talking to you that way." His frown deepened, and I felt guilty for even bringing it up.

"She doesn't like me..." I didn't even know why I felt the need to voice it; it was obvious to everyone that had been around that table.

"No, she doesn't like what you _know_, Bella. There's a difference, and that is something only she can work through. You've done nothing to deserve her hostility, and for what it's worth, I apologize again on her behalf." He smiled kindly at me, and I stood in awe at the strength the man in front of me must have possessed.

"I..." Not knowing what words to use, I took a few quick steps towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

I should have been embarrassed that I was hugging my boyfriend's dad, whom I wasn't even that close to, but in that moment, it seemed that words couldn't convey my gratitude, or sincerity, or simple awe.

Carlisle hesitated, clearly shocked at my open show of affection, before bringing his arms down over my shoulders and hugging me to him. His warmth was just seeping through his shirt as I pulled away from his chest, my eyes inspecting his tie as I did so. His hands trailed across my back as I took a step back, before coming to a stop on my shoulders, where he left them sitting.

"Thank you," I said quietly. He quirked an eyebrow, confused. "For bringing him back to me. I'm sorry I was such a cow when we met." My face flamed as I remembered the cold way I had treated both him and his wife. _He _didn't deserve it.

"I do what I can to make my kids happy, Bella, You make Edward happy."

I offered him a watery smile as I blinked away the moisture from my eyes. Slumping down onto one of the stools at the breakfast bar, he gave my shoulder a squeeze. As he passed by me on his way to the sink, he ruffled my hair on the top of my head, and I giggled lightly. A shadow across the floor in front of me made me look up, and there, standing quietly in the doorway, with an unsure expression on his face, was the only person I was sure I would ever love.

"Hey." His unsure voice floated over to me and I smiled, trying to reassure him that I was okay. Shouldn't it have been the other way around after day he had had? He looked confused as to what he had just witnessed between his father and I, but also seemed resigned that it was yet another thing he was in the dark about.

"Hi," I answered softly. His eyes flicked between me and Carlisle, but no questions came. Was he really so resigned to having things kept from him? It was saddening to see, but also selfishly relieving that he was reacting calmly to most things so far.

"I'll be in my study if you need me, I'll give you two kids some time alone." With yet another smile at both of us, Carlisle headed out of the kitchen, clapping a hand to Edward's shoulder on the way past.

Edward's eyes flashed to his dad's, and I noticed something akin to both appreciation and apology streak across them. My heart swelled as I watched him, in awe of how he was taking things and how much he had grown up in such a short period of time. He was worried about how his dad was coping, still not putting much thought into what his flashbacks actually meant for himself.

I was chewing my bottom lip when Edward turned back to me. I was wondering whether I should talk to him about it, because I was worried he wasn't really putting things together. Surely, he should have been getting worried or anxious as to how things would turn out.

He had remembered the ultrasound, but he wasn't piecing his puzzle together. If it had been me, I thought I would have been trying to figure out why an ultrasound picture would be so monumentally important to him and no one else in his family. I was saddened by the thought, because he just wasn't getting it, and when he finally did, it was going to crush him even more.

"What are you worrying about?" Edward's voice was teasing, but when I looked back to him, his expression turned serious.

"You...don't you want to talk about it?" What happened next, I wasn't expecting. His whole demeanor flicked from defeated to furious, his clenched fists shaking at his sides. I was wondering how long it would take him to flip out.

"I wish I hadn't remembered anything. Knowing half the story is so much fucking worse than knowing nothing!" His voice trembled with the force of his attempt to stay calm and his cold tone sent a shiver down my spine.

"My mom seems to be the one behind this whole thing...but I've got no fucking clue what she's actually done...She's obviously betrayed our whole family, but I don't know how! Is there some kid out there? Does she have some other family? How the fuck would that only affect me? I don't know what to think, Bella...so no...talking about it will just make it fucking worse!" His whole body shook from top to toe and he started rocking back and forward on his feet.

I crossed the space to him in two steps and threw my arms around his neck, not knowing what else to do. Bringing it up in the first place had only made things worse for him, so I had to do something to take his mind off things.

He stood still, feeling more like a stone statue than a person, and I worried that I had pushed him over the edge. His hands finally sneaked around my waist, rubbing circles with all five fingers into my sides. I weaved my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck and twisted it gently, trying to calm him as best as I could.

He pulled back suddenly, leaving me disorientated until he pressed his lips harshly against mine. I moaned quietly when he pulled me roughly into his body, bringing me impossibly closer to his warm form.

Sweeping his tongue across my bottom lip, I granted him entrance immediately and flushed when I heard him groan, the vibrations flowing out through me from his tongue. He tasted of fresh mint, alerting me to the fact he had cleaned his teeth when he had gone to the bathroom.

I nearly pouted when he pulled away from me again, but his mouth trailed a scorching path from my lips across my jaw and down my neck to my collarbone. With his teeth gently grazing my skin, I arched my back and tipped my head to give him better access.

Without leaving my neck, he pushed me back, not so gently, until my back hit the counter. The granite top thudded against my lower back and the pain that shot up my spine caused me to arch my back once again. Paying no heed, Edward thought I was still enjoying his ministrations to my skin and continued attacking my pulse point.

Between his lips and tongue, the dull throbbing pain in my back was soon forgotten as he heated me up to boiling point. He pressed his body into mine, lining us up perfectly and groaning deliciously at the friction he caused. I wasn't the only one affected by our heavy make out session.

I should have been embarrassed by my actions but my hips, almost as if they had a mind of their own, grinded into him as closely as we could get, causing us to moan into each other's mouths.

There was a voice at the back of my head, telling me things were going too fast; that we couldn't have sex whether we wanted to or not due to my surgery, and that I should be careful, but I ignored it, telling myself it was what Edward needed.

Even when his grinding became rougher and more staggered, I continued kissing him, trying to take my mind off the pain he was, in fact, inflicting on me. The friction felt so good, but the pressure he was putting on _that _area was shooting pain everywhere instead of pleasure.

He pulled back, resting his forehead on mine, when his breathing became too labored to kiss me, giving me nothing else to concentrate on.

I waited the time it took for him to find his release, finding that he was evoking pleasure in me after all, just not enough to overcome the pain from my surgery. His closed his eyes as his hands gripped my hips a little too firmly until he relaxed completely, ease and serenity washing across his face. The weight of his body pushed me further into the counters, but I ignored the pain in my back, taking note of the beautiful smile on his face. I remembered him looking like that before. It seemed like a lifetime since Edward and I had been together, making me feel sadder than I should have, wishing that we could be like that again.

As he stayed there, I fought stinging tears of pain, both from the physical and emotional effect of our separation. I couldn't blame him for anything, I should have told him to stop, I had ample time to tell him he was hurting me, but it seemed like I had somehow talked myself into thinking I deserved the pain.

I suddenly felt sick with myself and with a deep, shuddering breath; I put my hands to his chest and pushed, trying to get him off me.

He pulled back with little effort, his eyes springing open to look at me in confusion. He took a step back, only one hand resting on the counter to my right and I looked everywhere but at him as I ducked past him. I had no idea where I was going, only knowing I had to get out of that room and calm myself down before he saw the mess I was in. I couldn't do that to him.

"Bella?" His voice sounded frantic as I dashed out of the kitchen, but I couldn't turn to look at him. I should have, to placate him or reassure him I was okay, but I wasn't, so what could I have done?

I shook my head, hoping he'd see it, knowing he was following me, and I made a beeline for the bathroom beside the stairs hoping I'd make it before I threw up.

"Bella, stop!" He tried to grab my arm, but for some unknown reason I managed to slip it out of his grasp before I shut the bathroom door behind me.

I knew there wasn't much use to my hiding place, there only being a wooden door between us. He could still talk to me, hear me, get to me, but it was the only place I could go that hid me from his eyes.

"Bella, please? Why are you crying? What did I do to you?"

"I'm not crying!" I shouted back as I hunched over the toilet, retching painfully.

"Bella?"

"Just give me a minute!" I managed to get out as I sat heaving on the bathroom floor. I knew it was vain but I didn't want him to see me in a state like that.

When I looked in the mirror, the force of my retching had made my eyes water, streaking mascara down my cheeks. As I scrubbed it off, Edward spoke again, his voice pained and worried.

"Please let me in."

"I'm okay, Edward...I just need a minute..." I knew whenever I said it that it wouldn't fly. When had that ever been a good enough excuse for anyone?

"Bella, don't lie to me!" I scoffed before I could stop myself, and I was sure we both heard my hand clapping to my mouth afterward. Lying was all I did to him. Keeping him in the dark had been my choice after all; I could have so easily ended it all so long ago.

However, proving to him I was lying wasn't a smart move. How could he trust me when I did things like that? Hell, how could he trust me anyway?

"Fuck! Did I hurt you?" He practically screamed the first part, but his question was soft, muttered through the crack between the door and the frame.

I lifted my top up at the back to inspect where I thought the most damage was, and turned so I could see my back in the mirror. There, stretching the width of the base of my spine was a very angry red mark.

Before I could react, the door behind me swung open gently. I let go of my top and swiveled on my heel to face Edward, hoping he hadn't seen anything. The look on his face told me I had failed, his eyes trained on my back via the mirror behind me. I scrunched the sides of my top in my hands, pulling the material tight to my skin, making sure it was in fact covered.

"Bella?" My whispered name sent a shiver over me as he finally lifted his eyes to mine. He looked so young and so sad that it almost eclipsed the anger I had seen in him not twenty minutes before. I was finding it hard to remember just how many emotions he had been through since we had walked through his front door.

"Bella...why...you didn't...ugh – what have I done?" His voice betrayed him, making him sound like he had been crying for hours. He reached out his hand, but somehow decided against it, letting it fall flat against his thigh.

My bruises were nothing compared to the broken boy before me and I forgot them as I walked over to him. He flinched as I got closer, making my heart twinge in discomfort. Ignoring the growing pained look on his face, I lifted my hands and cradled his face in them, brushing my thumbs under his eyes to try to quell the stream of tears coming from his glassy eyes.

"I'm...I'm sorry...I...I wasn't thinking...you didn't say...I'm so sorry..."

"Shhh, Edward, I'm okay..."

"I hurt you...I'm so sorry..." His hiccuping lessened as he got his breathing under control.

"It wasn't you, it was the counter." I tried to laugh it off, but he shook his head and scowled even more.

"You're crying..."

"I just had a moment...the last time I was with someone..." I couldn't finish my statement because I knew I would have to lie to him again. He read the distress in my voice, his body deflating in defeat in front of me. I thought he was going to let it go when he nodded sullenly, but his eyes flashed with anger again not a moment later as if remembering something. I wish.

"That's not the only place I hurt you is it?" I shrank back from him; a culmination of his question and the way he was starting to scare me. He was shaking again, his eyes narrowed in my direction as he worked out the answer for himself. "Fuck, Bella! Why the fuck did you let me do that?" I took a step back, a movement he didn't fail to notice.

"There's nothing wrong with me, Edward! I just have a bruise where I hit the counter!" He rolled his eyes and stalked out of the room, leaving me staring at an empty space.

I hadn't the strength left to fight with him, instead crumpling onto the cold tiled floor and staring at it like it held all the answers. He hadn't left completely as I hadn't heard the door, and I found hope in the fact he was still in the house.

I wondered where everyone else was, having heard nothing from either Emmett or Alice since dinner. I was just contemplating asking Carlisle to take me home when his slim form stopped in the doorway. I looked up at him from my messy heap on the floor and noticed the panic that flashed across his face. When he noticed I was at least physically okay, his eyes lingering longer on my arms than anywhere else, he knelt in front of me. _Why had he checked my arms?_

"Bella, what's wrong?" His smooth voice reminded me of the first time I met Edward, causing me to breathe deeply. I wasn't going to cry, not again.

"Oh...Edward's...just being...stubborn..." I sounded like I was hyperventilating, but when Carlisle chuckled warmly it gave me the peace to calm myself down.

He grabbed some tissues from the roll beside the toilet and soaked them a little, handing me the soft little package. I smiled gratefully and focused my eyes on the wall behind him as he pressed the damp tissue to my head. I felt the cool relief almost immediately and reached up to take over from him.

"Is he still here?" I asked. Carlisle nodded before turning his head and looking out of the bathroom door, locking eyes with something I couldn't see from my position on the floor.

"Do you have anything for bruising?" Edward's lifeless voice floated to me before he appeared in my line of vision. Carlisle's eyes darted between his son and me, crumpled on the floor, flashing with both anger and shock.

"I hit my back off a ledge..." I blushed, hoping he wouldn't need a reason why it had happened in the first place.

"Of course, I'll bring you some cream..." He pushed himself up from his knees onto his feet and turned, leaving Edward and I alone. I kept my eyes locked on him and noticed that his where everywhere but on me. Carlisle reappeared in the doorway mere minutes later, with a tube of ointment in his left hand.

"Let me see your back, Bella?" I shook my head, the action gaining the attention of both Cullen men.

"I want Edward to do it."

Carlisle nodded, still looking apprehensive as he handed the tube to his son. Edward looked sickened as his eyes fell on it and he shook his head vehemently.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can, Edward. I only want you to touch me." His eyes snapped to me, and I relaxed a little in relief, seeing that my words had had some effect on him. "I love you." He nodded almost imperceptibly before stepping further into the room.

I turned my back to him and watched him approach slowly in the mirror. I lifted my top again in my hands, exposing my colored skin to him. His eyes widened, but he managed to stay in control as he squeezed some cream into the palm of his hand.

I gasped softly as his hand made contact with my skin, simply because the lotion was so damn cold. I smiled at him in reassurance, telling him it wasn't his fault.

I relaxed almost immediately as he gently and softly massaged my skin, his fingertips barely making any pressure at all. The tightening I had felt in my skin began to lessen the longer he worked and despite previously being in pain, I melted into his hands.

My eyes were closed and I had a small smile on my face when his hands finally left my skin, leaving it tingling in pleasure, much like it should have done before. The air stirred behind me, making me wonder what had happened as Edward's heat disappeared from behind me. I jumped in shock when I felt his lips connect with where his hands had previously been.

"Edward..." I moaned his name, flushing in embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." His breath whispered across my skin, making me shiver in the process. I turned in his hands, his face coming to rest at my stomach where he pressed a kiss to my abdomen.

"_You suffered a miscarriage..." _

_I lost Edward__'__s baby. _

"No, don't!" My panicked voice startled him out of his serene state and he looked up at me in shock.

"Fuck, Bella. I totally forgot." He stood so quickly I hardly noticed the movement. His hand cradled the left side of my face and he gazed solemnly into my eyes.

"It's okay...it's just hard..."

"I love you." His words made a smile break out across my face and I wound my arms around his waist.

"I know." He seemed hesitant when I pushed up onto my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his so instead of pushing him, I pulled myself closer to his body and rested my head on his chest.

As far as things went, Edward had just endured his hardest day, and I couldn't help but feel as though I had made it worse. At the time, I thought he had needed some sort of release for his pent up anger and frustration. I wasn't naive enough to think he would be over it, the damage that had been caused, psychologically, was going to take a long time to wear off.

"Let me take you home." I nodded against his chest and weaved my fingers through his.

I said goodnight to his dad, who was nursing a glass of scotch in the living room and let Edward lead me out to his Volvo. Our journey home was as silent as they came, but I took comfort in the fact that he still held my hand over the center console.

I let myself believe he just needed more space when he only pressed a kiss to my forehead when he walked me to the front door. He didn't hesitate when he walked back to his car, not even looking in my direction when he turned the ignition on.

I kept my window open that night, praying and hoping that everything would be okay, but when I awoke the next morning, I realized with a heavy heart that things had changed.

It was time to get back to school, back into my routine, but the bruises on my arms and back only proved as reminders of our disastrous night and the heartache that was undoubtedly still to come.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

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**Sarah xx**


	27. Some Things Are Better Forgotten

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Forget Me Not has been nominated for a Twilight All-Human Award! I'm beyond grateful to everyone who reads, reviews and now nominates this fic! I love you all! Please read the deets at the bottom on how to vote for Forgetfulward!**

**I am beyond nervous about this chapter and I honestly hope y'all enjoy it :/ Thank you to both Chelsea and Laura for getting this one out to you! I very nearly didn't post it! :O**

**Dana, this one is for you! For getting me through my week and then getting through yours! Love you! :)**

**Stephenie owns all things Twilight, but all Forget Me Not characterisations and plotlines are copyrighted of LiveInDakota2010. Any copying of this story will be reported and the perpetrator punished accordingly! So just don't do it!**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Seven: Some Things Are Better Forgotten**

Come out angels  
Come out ghosts  
Come out darkness  
Bring everyone you know

I'm not running  
I'm not scared  
I am waiting and well prepared

I'm in the war of my life  
At the door of my life  
Out of time and there's no where to run away

I've got a hammer  
And a heart of glass  
I got to know right now  
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket  
Got no pill  
If fear hasn't killed me yet  
Than nothing will

All the suffering  
And all the pain  
Never liked to label

I'm in the war of my life  
At the door of my life  
Out of time and there's nowhere to run

I'm in the war of my life  
At the core of my life  
I've got no choice but to fight till it's done

No more suffering  
No more pain  
Never again

I'm in the war of my life  
At the door of my life  
Out of time and there's no where to run

I'm in the war of my life  
I'm at the core of my life  
Got no choice but to fight till it's done  
So fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on  
Got no choice but to fight till it's done

I'm in the war of my life  
I'm at the core of my life  
I've got no choice but to fight till it's done

_War of My Life - John Mayer 3 _

* * *

Edward's POV: **February 2010: Valentines Day**

Every morning when I woke up, I was assaulted with the image of Bella, bruised under my hands, my own fucking fingerprints branded on her pale skin. I could hear her words, clear as day, telling me it wasn't my fault, like I knew she would. She knew me well enough to know that I was blaming myself, but it made no difference.

The first day I awoke to those images, I was up out of my bed and bent over the toilet so quickly I wondered how I had moved so fast. My stomach heaved at the pictures that would forever be burned in my mind, the way I had hurt her, marked her in the worst possible way.

The Monday after our dinner from hell, I awoke with a head-splitting hangover. Carlisle had bought a new bottle of Jack to replace the one he never usually touched, but he had worked all day Sunday, giving me the opportunity to drink it myself.

I carried it up to my room and stayed up all night, drowning my pitiful sorrows and drawing fuck knows what in my sketchbook.

I sent Emmett a text, not even wanting to face him, asking him to pick Bella up for school. I should have been doing it, I was supposed to be her boyfriend after all, but instead I sent my brother without even letting her know of my change of plans.

Emmett arrived in my doorway with a scowl on his face, wanting to know what the hell was wrong with me, but I only told him to fuck off, reminding him to look out for Bella at school. He muttered something about that being obvious and doing a better job than me. I ignored him, but the second he was down the first flight of stairs, I hurtled my empty glass at the wall and took solace in the shattering crash that echoed around the quiet top floor of our house.

She came home with him that day. He even carried her up to my floor because he wouldn't let her climb the stairs in her "condition."

I kept my breathing even and my eyes shut when her scent swirled around me. I was too fucking terrified of looking at her and seeing bruises on her skin, so I kept them closed instead. She sat gently on the side of my mattress with a small sigh and ran her fingers through my growing hair.

She was so gentle that it only proved to remind me how I had been the complete opposite with her. She stayed with me, her quiet breathing lulling me under, but her random comments keeping me completely awake.

She spoke of her day, how Angela had asked after me, how she'd told her about us, feeling more than happy that she could share how she felt about me with someone. She repeated how sorry she was and how much she loved me, and I fucking drank it all in, not missing a single word.

When she left, I stayed in my room, lying pathetically on my bed listening to the sounds of the rest of my family doing their own thing. Esme arrived home for the first time in over twenty four hours, but I hadn't the strength to go to her and ask her what the fuck was going on. Instead, I listened to her climb the stairs and lock herself in the guest bedroom. I wasn't the only person hiding in our house.

And so the weeks passed. I put up a front for my family and for Bella, but I knew she saw through it. I kept her at arm's length, missing every single innocent touch. Each time I reached for her hand, the image of my fingerprints on her forearm washed across my brain and I recoiled. She noticed more than once and gazed at me with that fucking broken look in her eyes.

I put that there.

Those looks proved to be more damaging than anything. I could see how much my distant behavior was affecting her, but I couldn't face my actions. She would probably just tell me to grow the fuck up, except she hadn't spoken about it. For the first week, after my return to school on the Tuesday, she had rambled on about school gossip and meaningless things, but by the time the next Monday dawned, it seemed as if she had just given up.

When I caught her looking at me, she would smile tightly before turning her attention back to something else. I felt like screaming at her every time. Even if she got angry with me it would be better than what we were going through, and while I knew it was all on me, I couldn't even pick up the phone and listen to her voice. Fuck, I missed her voice.

It had only been two weeks, but I missed everything about her, even though I saw her nearly every day. I was beginning to think I was going to forget the important things about her if my fucking solitude continued any longer. Like the feel of her skin beneath my fingertips, or the salty tears that I spent my time brushing away, the feel of her long silky hair between my fingers, or fuck, even the taste of her lips. I had thought I would never forget that taste again for as long as I lived, but when I sat in my room, alone, I fought hard to remember what it was like.

I was ruining the best thing that ever happened to me and probably the best thing that would ever happen to me, but something was stopping me from getting past it. There was something stopping me from driving to her house in the middle of the night to beg for forgiveness and that annoyed me more than anything else. I had thought about explaining it to her, but what would I say?

I rubbed the heels of my palms into my eyes for the hundredth time as I stared at the rain hitting my window. I was tuned in to the rhythmic spattering against the glass and jumped a little when a knock sounded quietly on my bedroom door. I may have been cooped up in my room for nearly two weeks, but barely anyone had bothered to come and see if I was okay. I guess I didn't blame them, I had spent nearly fourth months locked in my room before, they probably thought I was back to the way I was. Maybe they were right.

"Edward?" Carlisle's voice floated through the crack in the door before his body slid through, too. I turned to look at him from my spot on the floor.

His eyes traveled across my room, taking in all the scattered sheets of paper with attempts at music, and all the random sketches ripped out of my book that were littering my desk and my bed. When they landed on me they were filled with concern and puzzlement as to why I was sitting on my floor.

"If ever it was dark or raining and I couldn't find you, without fail you'd be sitting on the floor in your room, watching the rain on your window." My brow furrowed momentarily, mostly at hearing Carlisle talk about when I was younger and because I couldn't remember it. Of course I couldn't fucking remember it - that was priceless.

"I don't remember..."

"No, you probably don't. I think you did it between three and six. The sound of the rain always helped me get you to sleep, too." I felt, rather than saw him sit down on the floor beside me, but I didn't turn to him. When he received no response, he sighed quietly and started again. "What's going on with you and Bella? I've barely seen her in a fortnight." It was my turn to sigh. Of course he wanted to talk to me about the one thing I had no clue about.

"Bad patch." I almost laughed. Almost.

"I hope it's not what your mother said last time Bella was 'round."

"I wish..." I stopped dead, and it sounded like Carlisle had, too. Did I mean that in the context that I wished it were that simple and that I hadn't fucked up? Or in the context that I wished she was right and Bella was pregnant? That was serious shit right there.

Did I want kids with Bella? I mean, I loved her; more than anything I was sure of that. I let the thought settle over me, undisturbed by my company, and found that the thought actually warmed me a little. A life and a family with Bella seemed like a fucking dream come true after all the problems I had gone through in the past year. Could things really be that simple in my future? Of course I could only hope, and yeah, I fucking knew how young we were.

"I...I hurt her...the night she was here, I guess I can't face what I did..." Carlisle sighed again before leaning his back against the side of my bed.

"Please tell me you haven't avoided her since it happened?"

"Well no...we're still together, I just can't bring myself to touch her...Every time I reach for her hand I'm reminded of those bruises." I shuddered faintly as I said it aloud.

"Did you apologize?"

"What? Of course!"

"And did she forgive you?"

"I...yeah I guess. She said she was okay and that she loved me." He laughed lightly down his nose, and I turned to see him smiling, his eyes still trained on the window.

"Edward, I'm not going to tell you that your fears are irrational, but if you really love her then you need to fix this before it's too late. The fact that she's put up with you brooding for two whole weeks only puts testament in the fact that she wasn't lying. She loves you, Edward, don't push her away." He clapped his hand to my shoulder before lithely bouncing up onto his feet.

"Wait!" He was at the door before I called out to him. "I'm sorry about Mom, what I'm putting us all through again. I'm guessing it was breaking point last time..." He padded back across the floor to me and held his hand out for me to grab. As he helped me off the floor, he surprised me by pulling me into a hug.

"Never, for one second, think this is your fault, Edward. And when you do remember...well, I hope you remember that I'm here for you no matter what you're thinking, okay?" I felt my heart constrict a little in my chest as my dad held me to him; his words affecting me more than I would have ever thought. I thought he was finished, but when we pulled apart, he opened his mouth to say something more.

"You've remembered the night you left Chicago so maybe I can say this...you were mad at me for the way I acted at the time, Edward, and I'm sorry for that. I put my feelings in front of those of my family, and I hope one day, when you're a father, you learn from my mistakes. I live for you kids and nothing else. I should have been there when you needed me. While I thank God you're alive, maybe if I had acted differently, you wouldn't be in this situation." I was shocked to see my dad's eyes welling with tears, but not so surprised to feel my own doing the same thing.

I felt like such a selfish asshole for the times I had stewed over my family's problems, overlooking the hurt and pain each of its members was experiencing. If Emmett hadn't clued me in to the actions of my father and the things he had sacrificed to help me, maybe I would have taken his speech a little differently. But now that I knew without a doubt that he was genuine about it all, I couldn't really be blamed for the mini breakdown his words brought on.

"This…this _disease_, is no one's fault, Dad! I wasn't paying attention to the road. I lost control. No one could have foreseen that." His eyes widened, knowing I had forgotten the accident as well as everything else.

_Then_

_"Fuck!" My hand wasn't finding purchase on my phone. I knew I had slipped it into my pocket before leaving, knowing I could get in touch with her on the way._

_Taking my eyes off the road, I finally managed to get my fingers around it in my jeans pocket. Not wanting to chance my arm, I refocused on the long straight road before me, snorting at the fact that there was no one else to be seen._

_"Shit!" I could feel my frustration brewing as my phone slipped between my fingers and landed with a thud on the floor beneath my legs._

_I thought about pulling over to retrieve it, but decided it would be wasting unnecessary time. I needed to get to her as quickly as possible. I had already left it too long without getting in touch with her. Fuck, I couldn't even go a week without hearing her voice. How did I ever think I could live without her for over a year? I shuddered at the thought and bent to pick up the small device._

_I leaned too far to my left, bringing the wheel with me. I felt the car veer over the center line on the road, but remembered nothing coming so instead only straightened up when I had my phone safely in my hand._

_When I looked up, my heart started hammering in my chest, knowing before my eyes did that something wasn't right. They zeroed in on a truck coming face-on to the front of my Audi, not six hundred yards away._

_I jerked on the wheel to get me back onto my own side of the road, the trucks horn filtering through into the confined space. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears as I veered back to the right._

_But then something really did go wrong. With my hands on the wheel, I felt the front tire make contact with something, but my brain was too slow to process what was happening. The entire vehicle shuddered underneath me before the road disappeared from my line of vision._

_I heard screaming, both human and of brakes being stepped on as things cracked and shattered with sickening synchronicity all around me. Shards of glass flew past my eyes as pain shot through me; confirming that most of it landed in me. Bones and metal crunched simultaneously, but the only thing I could truly feel, right before everything went black, was the pain in my chest. I wasn't going to see her again, I'd missed my chance and no one could even tell her what had happened to me._

_Fleeting pictures of walking through a park, hand-in-hand with a brown haired angel, flitted across the back of my eyelids. The last one lingered as if it had been burned there; a little girl running up to us with a smile on her face, hauntingly similar green eyes and the same long, flowing mahogany hair as her mother. My future flashed before my eyes instead of my life. _

_Even in death everything was fucked up for me._

The gasp that brought me back into the room had, in fact, come from me. I was hunched on the side of my bed; my dad crouched before me, one hand on my shoulder and the other on my pulse point at my wrist.

"Son? You okay?"

"There wasn't anything there! I hit a fucking pebble or something! There was nothing on the road to see!"

"Shh, okay...it's okay." My hands were shaking uncontrollably as Carlisle grasped one and we were both silent as we waited for my breathing to regulate.

I came so close to dying that day and it fucking terrified me. If anything made you put things in perspective, it was remembering something horrific. Why the fuck was someone putting me through that again? I didn't want to fucking relive it.

"I'll go get you some soda...you need some sugar." I nodded, my eyes still trained on the carpet. I thought that if I lifted my head from between my knees, I might actually be sick.

I listened as Carlisle descended my flight of stairs. On the landing down from me he stopped and started talking to someone, whether it was Emmett, Alice or Esme I didn't know. The queasiness slowly subsided, and as if I was being given some sort of sign, the first thing my eyes landed on when I lifted my head was my phone.

_Bella._

It took only two and a half rings for her to pick up and I said a quiet thank you, knowing I probably wouldn't have lasted any longer after I had actually picked up the phone and dialed her number.

"Edward! What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Her soft voice was unusually panicked and I felt another surge of guilt that that was what she would automatically assume when I phoned her. I had avoided her for two weeks after all; I wasn't quite sure what else I was expecting.

"I'm okay."

I heard her sigh quietly before the line when silent, neither of us really knowing what to say, but I knew I had to make the effort - she deserved that much. "I miss you, Bella...I'm so sorry." My voice cracked on her name, and I cringed at the desperation in my voice.

"It's okay, Edward. I just wish I was there for you." She sounded so sad that it actually made my conscience shout at me for being such a prick.

"You are here for me! You were the first thing I thought of after..."

"After what, Edward? What's happened?"

"I remembered the accident. Like five minutes ago."

She gasped softly as I pinched the bridge of my nose. Even the thought of it made my stomach churn and my anger flare. There hadn't been anything on the road to make my car flip like that, and yet there I was, fucking temporarily brain damaged.

"I'll be right over!"

"No, Bella! I don't want you driving in that rain! Please, just...stay where I know you're safe?" My voice broke again, but I did nothing to cover it. The thought of Bella in an accident even half as bad as mine made a sweat break out across my forehead.

"Okay."

Just as her voice floated through the receiver to me, Carlisle returned with a can of Diet Coke in his hand and a Pop Tart in the other. He had even added a green straw to the can.

I chuckled quietly as he set them down, and he didn't leave without a knowing and approving look at the phone in my hand. I threw my pillow at him on the way out and heard him laugh as he descended the stairs.

"What's so funny, you?"

"Oh, just Carlisle stacking sugar on my bedside table."

"Are you okay?"

"It's just for the shock..."

"No, Edward. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just needed to hear your voice..." I smiled into the dark room like the sap that I was and could have sworn she was doing the same thing.

"I'm always going to be here for you, Edward. I love you."

"I love you, too. I'm sorry for pushing you away...I didn't know what else to do."

I nearly hit myself on the forehead for sounding like a fucking five-year old, but as usual Bella replied with exactly what I needed to hear without knowing it.

"The unknown scares everybody, Edward. You of all people should understand that. As cliché as it sounds, we can learn together..."

"I love you." The simplest and most honest answer I could ever give her would be that one.

"That's Charlie getting home, I should go see him. Will you be okay?" I looked at the clock and realized with a low growl that Bella had been at home all day alone. Well, as far as I knew anyway, when I could have been there with her.

"I'll be okay." And I genuinely thought I was going to be. Something had shifted in me during the course of our conversation and somehow everything felt different.

"Phone me straight back if there's anything, okay? It's not like I have anything better to do..." I chuckled at her attempt to lighten the mood and after another round of "I love you," I reluctantly hung up and started on the pile of sugar by my bed.

An hour later, I left my room for the first time in days, taking the remains of my snack back to the kitchen. The whole house was eerily quiet, and I found myself creeping down the stairs so as not to disturb anything.

By the time I reached the first floor, Carlisle's strained voice was just discernible through my parents' closed door. I felt saddened by the breaking down of their relationship, having always thought throughout my life that I wanted to find a love like theirs. One that could overcome everything, but it was quickly proving that that wasn't the case. They couldn't overcome whatever it was I was forgetting.

When I reached the kitchen, I was thoroughly depressed, even more so when I saw the date highlighted on the calendar: Valentine's Day. How the fuck had I missed that? In all the weeks I had noticed its pink cloud on the wall, courtesy of Alice and her drawing pens, I had always reminded myself to do something special for Bella. But once the date actually arrived, I fucking forgot all about it.

That was where Emmett was, explaining the lack of his usual noise in the house. I vaguely remembered him telling me about the special night he had planned for Rosalie when he tried to talk me out of my pity party. I fucking wish I had listened to him.

I shoved my hand through my hair in frustration as I ran the tap, waiting for the water to turn cold enough to drink. What kind of a boyfriend forgets Valentine's Day? And I spoke to her on the phone and everything. She was probably sitting at home, wondering why the fuck I hadn't even said it to her. No present, no kiss, no fucking nothing.

I rolled my eyes at my own idiocy as I gulped down some of the water from the top of my glass. I was pulling my phone out of my pocket to phone her back when I heard Carlisle coming down the stairs.

There was nothing unusual about that; but something had the hair on the back of my neck standing at attention. As I listened further, I heard their bedroom door open and Esme follow him downstairs.

"Don't walk away from me when we're in the middle of this, Carlisle!" Her voice was strained, as if she was trying to keep quiet while still venting her anger.

"We are not having this conversation again, Esme, I can't handle it right now! I'm going to work and we can talk about it when I get home." I could just imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose as I did when he was trying to stay calm.

"Oh, so you're just going to avoid it instead? That's just the way in this house isn't it? First Edward, now you? Maybe you can pretend to forget it all, too." My anger prickled at the insinuation in her tone. Did she really believe I did this shit on purpose?

"Pretend? Are you trying to tell me Edward's making this up? Have you completely lost your mind?" I nearly smirked at the way Carlisle asked my exact question. But they didn't even know I could hear them.

"Of course that's not what I meant! I just don't want you to leave! Every time I try to talk to you, you leave!"

"Every time _you_ try to talk to _me_? Esme, you've been missing every bloody time we try to work through this! Every time it gets hard you run away!"

"Run away? I'm trying to keep my family together!" I scoffed and then cringed, hoping they hadn't heard me from their spot on the other side of the kitchen door.

"Stop with the self-righteous act! That boy has needed his family more than ever in the past year! His mother! And you haven't even been there for him!"

Well, yeah, he was kind of right about that one.

"I'm self-righteous? Can you hear yourself? You're not even his father!" All the wind left me in one whoosh. Had I heard that right? I could feel my brain clouding over, my hands begin to shake, and I had to fight to hear Carlisle's reply.

"So you keep reminding me! But that boy is, and always will be, my son. No matter what you or that damn piece of paper say! I've been more of a parent to him through his life than you will ever be!" My left hand clenched around the kitchen worktop as I felt tears slipping from my eyes. This could not be happening to me.

"Don't you dare!" I shivered as Esme's pure acidic tone flooded over me, no longer loud, but with a much more potent effect.

"What? Have you forgotten that when your son was lying in hospital, fighting for his life, you ran off to another man?" I spun on the spot, thankful that I was beside the sink as I heaved into it.

The glass that had been in my hand shattered - bringing a piercing pain to the palm of my hand. The sound of it smashing broke through the silent kitchen and out over their argument that had yet to pick back up.

Thousands of tiny pieces shattered across the floor and my bare feet just as I heard the kitchen door open and I heaved again, tears streaming down my face.

My whole body was shaking uncontrollably from a culmination of the pain from the glass and the anger that was rolling through me. I hadn't known it possible, but I had managed to crush the tumbler in my hand before I dropped it to the floor.

I could feel someone's eyes on my back as I kept my head down, not sure if I was finished throwing up or not. A hand landed gently on my back, but I shrugged it off, definitely not in the mood for some fatherly comfort as Carlisle's shoes entered my line of vision on the floor.

"Don't touch me." I channeled my inner Esme and kept my voice low and cold. Carlisle's hand retreated immediately, and the place he had touched turned ice-cold in his absence.

"Edward?" I turned on my mother, my anger impossibly growing. I flicked my eyes between an ashen Esme and a defeated looking Carlisle, suddenly putting at least one piece of the puzzle together.

"The ultrasound? In the box? It was me, wasn't it?"

"You knew? You already knew?" Esme's anger matched my own as her voice squeaked due to the high pitch.

"Not until fucking now I didn't!" I clenched my fists at my side, trying desperately to ignore the searing pain that shot from my still healing knuckles and my freshly sliced palm.

"Edward, don't talk to your mother like that." I wasn't entirely sure if Carlisle was serious because his voice had barely any conviction in it at all.

"One parent sticking up for another? Oh, but that's right, you're not even my fucking father are you?" He blanched as my voice rose even more.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that, Edward, but I meant what I said." I calmed at his words, even if just for the thirty seconds it took to remember what he had actually said.

I looked him over, and it felt like I was looking at Bella all over again. He was suffering just as much as I was in this situation, but right at that moment I couldn't bear to be with either of them.

"I have to get out of here!" I brushed passed Carlisle, noting that he moved out of my way without a word.

"Edward, we need to talk about this!" My mother shouted after me.

"Talk about it? You're fucking kidding me, right? This was clearly what happened last year that I, conveniently for you, forgot! No wonder you panicked every time I said I remembered something! You didn't want it to fucking happen did you?

"Even last year, you didn't tell me! I had to find out by mistake! I was sixteen-years old! Didn't you think that maybe you should have told me already? What, were you going to keep it to yourself? Take it to the grave? You didn't think that telling me I had another father was maybe something I should fucking know?" I felt my blood boiling in my veins as I tried to rein in my escalating anger. I could do it for Bella, but I wasn't sure I wanted to be calm in that situation.

"Edward, we were waiting for you to turn eighteen. You weren't supposed to find that box, no one should find out anything like that." Carlisle's voice was tired and strained, making him sound like he was close to giving up on everything.

"Edward, can we talk about this?" Esme spoke again, and moved from the spot she had been stuck to, making something inside me snap at her movement.

"Don't even think about coming near me! You lost all right to call yourself a mother when this happened! I have no idea what happened before I was born, but I'm pretty damn sure that you put your entire family on the line with your selfish actions. Fuck, Em is older than me! How the fuck can any mother do that to their family? I'll remember it someday, but until then, don't come near me and don't even dare call yourself my mother!"

I left, shaking and crying, grabbing my car keys from the table by the door. From the corner of my eye I noticed Alice sitting quietly on the stairs, not the only one to be privy to a conversation no one knew about.

Her small frame halted me in my steps. The last time I had found out, I ran away to New York, leaving my whole family behind. I couldn't walk out on her again. I stopped at the foot of the stairs and noticed that she, too, had tears on her face. She stood quietly and quickly as I held my arms out, inviting her in for a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Edward." It pained me that she knew all of it and I didn't. Fuck, I didn't even have the whole fucking story.

"Love you, short stuff." For once she didn't comment on the nickname and I pulled back with one final squeeze.

I took the stairs three at a time; wanting to cover up a bit before I left the house. I shoved my bleeding feet into socks and Converse before throwing my grey hoodie on. I wiped under my eyes on the sleeve before I left my room.

I heard the door slam when I was on the second landing. It didn't take a fucking detective to work that one out. It was obviously Esme. Carlisle was sitting on the sofa, a whole bottle of scotch in front of him and his head in his hands. Where the fuck had he gotten another bottle? I thought I had drunk it all.

He looked up at me as I stopped silently on the bottom step. He wanted to say so much, but he knew not to. I wanted to ease something, but fuck if I knew what to say.

"Don't touch that if you're going to work. Another car accident is not what this fucking sham of a family needs right now." I saw a hint of a pained smile pass across his face before he nodded silently.

I turned on my heel and threw myself out into the cold, crisp February air. My tears had stopped, but they would have mixed in with the relentless rain anyway.

It was Valentine's Night and there was only one place I needed to be.

I was pulling onto Bella's road when something fuzzy fell over me. The window wipers were going full force, and the dull thudding noise they made at each side was the only thing keeping me in the car as my brain pulled up yet another memory.

_Then: April 2009 _

_"Esme? What's going on down here?" Carlisle's panicked voice alerted us to the fact that he was home from work early, and I watched as my mom's face paled and her eyes flicked to the top of the basement stairs._

_"That's kind of what I'd like to fucking know," I said. _

_Esme's eyes narrowed at my language and she opened her mouth to say something when Carlisle interrupted her._

_"Edward? What are you holding?" I looked back down to my right hand and remembered I'd been interrupted myself. I turned the ultrasound round in my shaking hand and read the slanting script._

**Your son, due June 22nd 1992.**

_My jaw fell slack and I very nearly threw up as I re-read the date. June 22nd 1992 was two days after my birthday. Either I was a fucking twin or it was me._

_"Mom? What the fuck is going on?"_

_"Edward, don't talk to your mother like that." Carlisle seemed altogether too calm for this situation and I looked at him incredulously. "Esme, don't you think we should tell him?" He looked at his wife lovingly and once again I had to fight the urge to heave._

_"Tell me fucking what?"_

_"Nothing if you don't stop using that language! I did not raise you to speak like that, Edward!" I rounded on my mother, set on saying something about her parenting techniques when Carlisle interrupted us._

_"Come upstairs, Edward." I looked at him, mouth agape as he simply turned on his heel and headed back up the stairs with Esme following him quietly._

_"Will one of you please tell me what the fuck is going on?" I nearly screamed as I flew up the stairs behind them, not caring that I swore once again._

_"We will if you stop acting so immaturely!" Carlisle's tone turned hard and cold as he looked back at me, stopping me dead in my tracks. I had never seen my dad like that. Wait, he wasn't even my fucking dad by the looks of it._

_"Immaturely? I just found some sick box of memories in the basement with this in the middle of it! I am not acting immaturely!"_

_"It's you! Okay? Does that answer your question?" I turned my incredulous look on my mother, not quite believing they were both acting so blasé about the whole thing._

_"Are you fucking kidding me?"_

_"I...I had an affair, the year I spent in Italy for cooking school. It was right after Emmett's first birthday...Carlisle had no idea..." I looked to him and noticed that he wasn't as collected as he was making out - I could see the strain beginning to show on his face._

_"Until you brought a fucking child home, right?" I got confused when she shook her head._

_"Your father, your real father...took you home with him. He used me because his wife couldn't have children. He blackmailed me into giving you up. He told me no one would have to know." _

_My confusion soared as I thought back over all the things I could remember. It had always been Esme and Carlisle._

_"But, you brought me up!" I pointed directly at Carlisle, but all he did was nod. "So what the fuck happened?"_

_"After your mother gave you up, she came home and we settled back into life. She fell pregnant and a year later we had Alice, but two months after Alice's first birthday, Edward showed up at the door, your father..." I sank down onto the sofa, wondering how the fuck I was managing to stay so calm._

_"Elizabeth - his wife - had died in a car crash and he said he couldn't bring you up on his own. He left you here without much thought, so I agreed to raise you. Alice and Emmett, like you, were too young to remember anything. You've been a part of this family ever since."_

_My head was swimming with questions and information, and I wasn't quite sure what to do with any of it. I looked up to find Esme sitting, crying quietly on the sofa beside me and Carlisle fucking wrapped around her - the catalyst I needed for my anger to finally bubble over._

_"So, what? I've been given up twice in my life without so much as a second glance and lied to ever fucking since? I'm not a part of this family! Are you kidding me? I'm barely related to any of you! I'm not fucking bound to you at all!" Carlisle flinched back from my comment, but I was past caring._

_"You! You gave birth to me and then fucking gave me up? Just so your FAMILY wouldn't find out? You just let some stranger take me home to his wife to play house! You treated me like a puppy or something!" My fists were shaking, clenched them at my sides as I started pacing behind the leather sofa._

_"He wasn't a stranger."_

_"What?"_

_"Your father isn't a stranger! I've known him since I was sixteen. He was the first man I ever loved! He was married when we met, though. When my family moved to Chicago I knew I had to leave him behind; he was married after all, nothing could have happened. I met Carlisle when we moved here and we got married three years later._

_"I didn't see Edward again until he found me in Italy. I didn't know it at the time, but he tracked me down. I fell for him all over again, I was young and naive. When you were born he blackmailed me and took you from me. I didn't think I had a choice! I let you go thinking you would be cared for and happy, he was a good man, Edward, he _is_ a good man!"_

_I scoffed at her. A good man wouldn't give up his only fucking son the second things got hard. Shit, he wouldn't trick someone into having a baby for them just because their wife couldn't have kids. I felt sick just to be a part of it. It was fucking wrong, all of it._

_"This is sick. All of this is wrong. And you...you're just sitting there, acting as if this is some normal daily occurrence! What is up with that?" I pointed at my father – at Carlisle._

_"We knew this day would come, Edward, I've been waiting fourteen years for this day." His voice was eerily calm and I shuddered as it floated over me._

_"This is so wrong..." I spared another glance at the ultrasound in my hand and without thinking about it, ripped it in two. Esme's sob broke me out of my thoughts, and I saw her looking at me in panic. Just to get my point across, I ripped it again, throwing the pieces down on the floor at my feet before leaving the room. I had to get out of there._

_I ignored their calls as I climbed the stairs. I headed straight to the cupboard in the hall and pulled out my bag. As I yanked it out it caught on something hanging on the wall, causing it to jangle lightly. I laughed humorlessly at the irony of it._

_The keys to Esme's apartment in New York just happened to be there for me to take. Merely twenty minutes later, I had packed up a few essentials, shoved some clothes and my notebook in my bag and pocketed the keys along with my phone._

_Glad that I had saved some money for the summer anyway, I pulled it out of the jar and headed back down the stairs to the door. Esme was nowhere to be seen, but Carlisle was standing between the door and me with an envelope in his hand._

_"This is rightfully yours...I'm sorry, son..."_

_"Don't dare call me that...either of you..." His eyes widened as he took in the bag on my shoulder._

_"Where are you going?"_

_"I have no clue, but anywhere is better than here..." I grabbed the A4 envelope and shoved my way past him. I briefly considered jumping in the car, but there would be no point, I'd only have to pay for parking._

_Carlisle called my name as I started to jog down the driveway, and I think I even passed Emmett as he walked up the other side, but I ignored them both._

_I stopped when I got to the main road, looking both ways before hailing a cab. There was no way I was running all the way to the fucking airport._

I was gasping for air as I gathered my bearings and then started to panic. I wasn't on the road. It took a few moments for my eyes to adjust, but I noticed with slight relief that I'd pulled the car up.

When I opened the door, I practically fell out of my seat and onto the wet road, feeling the rain begin to soak through whenever I made contact with the asphalt.

How the fuck I got to the grass in front of Bella's house, I'll never have a fucking clue.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Please review...this chapter took a lot out of me!**

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**xx**


	28. When You Were Young

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Warning: This is not a happy chapter...I cried when I wrote it so... :O**

**As usual, all things Twilight belong to Stephenie, but all characterisations and plotlines of FMN are copyrighted of LiveInDakota 2010. Just don't do it in other words... **

**Enjoy :) - In the least masochistic way of course - :P**

* * *

**Chapter 28: When You Were Young**

You sit there in your heartache  
Waiting on some beautiful boy to,  
To save you from your old ways  
You play forgiveness -  
Watch it now  
Here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus  
But he talks like a gentleman  
Like you imagined  
When you were young

Can we climb this mountain?  
I don't know  
Higher now than ever before  
I know we can make it if we take it slow  
Let's take it easy -  
Easy now  
Watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline  
On the back of a hurricane  
That started turning  
When you were young  
When you were young

And sometimes you close your eyes  
And see the place where you used to live  
When you were young

They say the devil's water  
It ain't so sweet  
You don't have to drink right now  
But you can dip your feet  
Every once in a little while

You sit there in your heartache  
Waiting on some beautiful boy to,  
To save you from your old ways  
You play forgiveness  
Watch it now  
Here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus  
But he talks like a gentleman  
Like you imagined  
When you were young

Talks like a gentleman  
Like you imagined  
When you were young

I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus  
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus  
But more than you'll ever know

_When You Were Young - The Killers_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

When Edward's distance continued, I put it down to a culmination of his stress at first, but I couldn't help the way it hurt every time he pulled away from me. There were only so many times he could cite homework I knew he didn't have or a prior promise to his brother. He was pulling away from me, and for two weeks I could do nothing but watch.

He stopped holding my hand at school the Tuesday after our disastrous dinner at his home. I kept quiet, thinking he needed space and time to sort out the things in his head that he was trying to filter through, but the more time that passed, the more I realized that it wasn't getting any better.

When I asked Emmett to take me back to their house on that first Monday, I was ready for a break-up. All sorts of horrible scenarios had been running through my head at school, all of them ending in Edward saying he could no longer do it, my words of "I can't" coming back to haunt me in the worst possible way.

But when I reached his room, he was fast asleep. I watched him quietly, not wanting to disturb him as I noticed the purple bruises under his eyes, the pale colour of his skin and the flat side of his hair. The air in his room was permeated with the thick smell of whisky, reminding me of the close shave I had had with the bottle of Johnny Walker not two weeks before.

He was suffering more than he was letting on to anyone, and it was breaking my heart to see him go through it and not be able to do anything. I sat beside him, brushing his hair off his forehead when it flopped forward. Holding his hand, I told him I loved him and was sorry. It was all I could do.

When the hand-holding stopped, it wasn't long before the innocent touches followed suit. He no longer tucked my hair behind my ear, or traced his fingers around my eye. His kisses became less passionate and needy, and turned into something he felt he _had _to do; like he was obligated to stay a good boyfriend and kissing me was the only way he knew how.

I stopped expecting him to turn up when I wanted him to. There had been a time when I would act like a lovesick teenager and hope he would suddenly appear at my window, or save me from Mike Newton's leering in the hallway at school, but it never happened.

I was warring with myself. I couldn't work out if _I _was being selfish or not. Was wanting him around as much as he always had been a bad flaw on my side? Or should he have been talking things through with me instead of pushing me away? Should I have made him talk to me about how he was feeling like I had before? Or was I doing the right thing by leaving him to it?

There were times when I caught him looking at me with a puzzled expression on his face; like he was concentrating hard on figuring out one of the wonders of the universe. When he noticed I was watching him, he would force a smile and turn his attention back to whatever was happening at the time. Every time he focused on something else, too scared to look at me, it hurt even more.

After twelve days of nothing, shoot me I fucking counted, I stopped trying to initiate something, feeling more and more rejected every time he pushed me away or didn't respond at all. For two days since that point, the weekend, we hadn't hugged, kissed, touched or even seen each other and even thinking of how much I missed him made the tears well in my eyes.

I wasn't ignorant or naive, I knew there were things going on in his head that he didn't want anyone to know, but he didn't trust me enough to even tell me if he was okay. He didn't trust _in us_ enough to let me know we were going to be okay after the clusterfuck of events we had been through. I was way out of my depth and I had no fucking clue what to do. How many times had I said that exactly?

The second my phone rang, I pounced on it, my heart rate increasing to a dangerous level when I read Edward's name on my screen. He hadn't spoken to me in nearly two days, so it wasn't hard to believe that I automatically thought there was something wrong. Just the sound of his voice made me feel better, and I think I may have even sighed in relief when he answered me. It felt like a year since he had last spoken to me, not forty-eight hours.

He sounded so broken across the wire, and it wasn't long before I was fighting the sounds of my tears. I had to stay strong for him, if that was my only purpose, then I had to stick to it. I told him I missed him, too, and that I wanted to be there for him, thankful that he understood what I meant.

I was on my feet and nearly out of my bedroom door when he told me he had remembered his accident. I only felt worse. I _should_ have been there for him. The sound of laughter, and not just his laughter, lifted both my spirits and my hope. I smiled into my dark room when he told me Carlisle was there with him and making sure he was okay.

I knew without a doubt that my voice broke when I told him I would always be there for him, but he didn't pick up on it. I would always be there for him, until the moment he decided he either didn't need me or want me. And no matter how short that time may be, I _knew_ it was going to happen.

I hung up reluctantly when I heard Charlie pull into the driveway, but I knew after a long day out at work he would need a good dinner. I pocketed my phone, making sure it was on me and loud enough for me to hear if he chose to phone me back, and descended the stairs.

Charlie was quiet when he returned, choosing to stay upstairs until I had the dinner finished. With some of Harry Clearwater's fish fry in the freezer, it didn't take much effort to make. He sat on the opposite side of the table, watching me carefully, but concentrating on his food any time I looked up, thinking I hadn't noticed.

Dinner didn't take long, with the awkward silence proving to be a catalyst to hurry things along. He barely acknowledged me leaving the room after sitting watching me wash the dishes. I attempted to ask him if he was okay, but all I got in return was one word answers, so it wasn't long before I gave up.

I was back in my room, the bedside light on and Wuthering Heights open in front of me, when the wind and rain picked up once again. My eyes began to droop as the light faded, but I continued reading, waiting for Edward's call.

My tie to the fictional world kept my brain alert as I immersed myself in the old pages of a timeless classic. Something wasn't feeling right as I flicked yet another page; as if something was suddenly, out of the blue, wrong. A feeling of unease washed over me as I listened carefully to the sounds in the house. Nothing had changed, no new noise had disturbed me, and Charlie was still watching the TV in the living room.

I hoisted myself up from my bed, feeling the urge to check outside. We could have been being burgled and I had had some sort of premonition. Either way, I thought, I was lifting my window pane as quietly as possible and poking my head out.

In the ever darkening light, it took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust. The tree trunk in front of my window, a pillar looming in the dark, was at the forefront of my sight, but my brows furrowed in confusion at the extra shape at its base, a ghostly figure that wouldn't have been out of place in a horror film.

Edward was standing on the ground just below my window, and even from his stance, I could tell something was seriously wrong with him. His shoulders were hunched, his hands shoved in his pockets and instead of looking up like he should have been, he was staring a hole in the wall of the house at his eye level.

I didn't care that I was only in shorts and a vest and that it was probably freezing outside, Edward wasn't moving, so I had to go to him. I flew down the stairs, briefly wondering how I did it without tripping up, and practically knocked Charlie down in the hall.

He was calling my name, worrying as to what I was doing, but I didn't stop. I _couldn'_t stop. Something more powerful than anything physical was pulling me out of the house and towards my boy. I wrenched open the front door and the sight before me made me stall momentarily. Edward was crumpled on the grass under the tree, visibly shaking as the rain soaked through to him.

"Dad, help me!" I hoped he was following me as I ran out into the rain and crouched over Edward's form. I tried to figure out what was wrong with him by looking over his shape, but nothing physical stood out.

"Edward? Edward, look at me."

I gasped. The wind was knocked out of me as his eyes traveled up my body and landed on mine. They were almost vacant, like he wasn't truly there.

"Come on, son, let's get you up." I had always been grateful for my dad, but in the past few weeks he had become the confidant I didn't know I needed. His acceptance of Edward and of my relationship with him had floored me at first, but then only made me proud to be his daughter.

I watched with tears in my eyes as Charlie swung Edward's arm over his shoulder and pulled him off the ground. It was obvious he was making no effort to move himself, but Charlie managed to get him through the door and onto the sofa without so much as breaking a sweat.

In the artificial light, he looked even worse. His skin was deathly pale, pronouncing the shadows under his eyes even more. He was shivering uncontrollably, and I noticed as my eyes raked over him, that his right hand was bleeding badly. My first thought, was that he had punched something again, but that would have been his already bruised knuckles, it wouldn't make his entire hand bleed.

"Bells, get some towels and some blankets..." Charlie's voice finally floated through to me, breaking me out of the spell I had been under, shocked to silence by the state of Edward.

By the time I got back from the cupboard in the hall, Charlie was cleaning his hand without any response from him at all, and Edward was staring a whole into the fireplace, not even recognizing where he was.

I reached out to unzip his top, not expecting him to move. His sudden jerking made me flinch backwards and I watched him, deflated at his demeanor. His hand flew out of Charlie's grasp as he wound his arms around himself and hunched forward until he was looking at his knees.

"Edward? It's only me, you're safe here..." My own voice was breaking, but I needed to be strong for him. This was the time when he needed me and I was stepping up. He needed me.

I continued whispering softly to him, running my hands through his hair until his posture relaxed again. Charlie looked up at me with a small smile as he took Edward's hand back and started bandaging the damage. I was beginning to think that there would always be a bandage on that hand.

"You're clothes need to come off, Edward. I need to warm you up." Even under the circumstances, my face flamed at my words; memories of being close and hot with Edward resurfacing. Charlie even chuckled and I again wondered how he could take it all so well.

Reaching for the zip on his top a second time, he made no move to stop me. In fact, he was back to making no movement at all. He wasn't cooperating and I had to wait for Charlie to finish his hand before he helped me discard of his soaked clothing. I briefly gaped at the wonder of Edward's chest when I pulled his shirt over his head and I was sure Charlie noticed, but I immediately wrapped the towel around him and started drying him off.

Charlie left the room to clean up the first aid kit he had used, leaving me and my broken boy quietly in the living room. He was still shaking, but as the water droplets disappeared, it gradually lessened.

He hummed appreciatively when I dragged the towel through his soft locks, and I sighed in relief, knowing he was partly with me. I tried to think of other things as I took his shoes and socks off, followed by his soaking jeans, bundling them into a pile. I concentrated on the broken aura around him as I towel dried the skin on his legs, rubbing circles into his cold skin to help re-start the circulation.

Even knowing he was incapable of going anywhere in the state he was in, I hurried into the laundry room with the towel and his clothes, not wanting to be away from him for too long.

"Here, I'll do it. I'll give you two some time alone…" Charlie appeared in the doorway behind me and his kind words broke the wall I had up around my emotions. "Shh, Bells, you need to be strong for him, kiddo. He needs you…" I hugged him tighter, not sure I could be as strong as he needed me to be.

"What's w-wrong w-with him?" My sobs turned gentler as Charlie continued rubbing circles into my back and I gathered myself together.

"I don't know, Bells…maybe some bad news? He seems to have shut down. He'll be okay though…" I pulled back sharply. Bad news? It suddenly hit me like a freight train. I knew exactly what was wrong with him; only one thing would make him act like that…the other would just make him angry.

When I walked back into the living room, I was scared to see him in the exact same spot, though relieved that he hadn't gone anywhere. Seeing him like that was proving more difficult on me than I could have ever imagined.

"_Your pain is my pain, Bella."_

I climbed onto the sofa, curling my legs underneath me and rested my head on his shoulder. As my presence started to sink into him, I felt his body relax beneath me, and I even sighed in relief when I felt him pull me closer. He was with me.

I rested back into the corner of the sofa, pulling him with me until his head was in my lap. His eyes were still blank as he stared at the ceiling from his new position, but they fluttered closed as I gently toyed with his drying hair. It was longer than I had ever seen it and I began to love the longer, softer texture of it beneath my fingers and decided to ask him not to cut it when he was in better shape.

"I love you, Edward." I din't know what made me say it apart from the fact that it was true. Wouldn't I want to hear that when I thought my world was caving in on me? I knew I'd have depended on those three little words when I went through my miscarriage. Nothing would have changed what had happened, but hearing them and knowing they were true maybe would have kept me strong, knowing I had something to fight for.

I gave up without those words, so yeah, he needed to hear them.

I thought he mumbled something like "you're the only one" before he drifted off to sleep, and my heart wrenched in my chest. His family did love him - his father loved him more than anything in the world. His real father, the one who had sacrificed everything for him, had lied for him, welcomed him into his family and home and raised him like he was no different from Emmett. That was real love, and I could only hope he would remember that before long.

What felt like minutes later I was being gently shaken awake, having fallen asleep on the sofa with Edward's arm wrapped round my waist and his head resting on my chest. I looked to him first and saw with relief that he was, in fact, asleep and getting some rest. His face looked tranquil; his world hadn't come crashing down in his dreams, yet.

He had suffered from nightmares while we had been in New York. When he looked like death warmed up I always used to ask him to talk me through the nightmare he had had most recently. The night I stayed with him he had woken in a cold sweat, disorientated and frightened. It broke my heart seeing him in that state and I had refused to go back to sleep, wanting to stay awake so I could make sure he _did_ sleep.

My eyes flicked to my right where my dad was standing, obviously having been the one to wake me. The world outside the window was doused in darkness, the television was off and the room had been cleaned and cleared.

"How long have I been out?" My voice cracked from sleep and I coughed lightly, careful not to wake Edward.

"Just a few hours. I figured he needed some rest, and by the way he has been hanging on to you, I didn't want to wake you either." He nodded softly at Edward's form with a sad smile on his face. A slight cough caught my attention and my dad looked sheepishly in the direction of the front door.

I followed his gaze, my eyes falling on my best friend. That was why he had woken me, Jasper was here to see me. My best friend who had lied and betrayed me for the first time in our lives, the one who had avoided me since. I had never gone so long without talking to him. Sure, we had fallen out, annoyed each other or simply been too busy with different things, but we had never gone longer than three weeks.

I looked him over, expecting some sort of change in him after such a long absence from my life, but with his hands shoved in his pockets and his eyes on me, he looked much the same. Why did I feel disappointed by that? He was watching me carefully, but there was no guilt or remorse in his eyes, and I felt my anger flare once again.

Slowly and carefully, I extricated myself from Edward's death grip, replacing myself with one of the larger cushions. Without awaking, his arm squeezed the cushion to him and he settled his head down onto it peacefully. I brushed a stray strand of his still damp hair away from his forehead almost longingly, not wanting to leave him, even if he was silently dreaming.

"I'll be upstairs. You two can talk in the kitchen." Charlie took one last look at Edward before shaking his head solemnly and heading on up the staircase.

I looked back to Jasper, my eyes narrowed, feeling all the disappointment, hurt and anger that I had stored over the past few weeks build back up on me again. He flicked his eyes to the kitchen before pushing himself off the wall and heading in that direction.

My worry for Edward grew with every step I took after Jasper, and I sat down heavily on one of the kitchen chairs. I was honestly scared of what the truth about his family was going to do to him. Shutting down completely was one thing, but once that passed, there was no doubt that he was going to be angry. Part of me told me that however he did react was a preview of how he would be when he found out about me.

"Bella?" Jasper deliberately kept his voice soft, courteous to the sleeping broken boy in my living room.

"What, Jasper? What?" He looked surprised by my tone of voice, both my exhaustion and my anger floating through in my words.

"I thought we should talk."

"After three weeks? You finally figured that out, huh?" I narrowed my eyes once again, huffing as he looked the picture of innocence from the opposite side of the small table.

"Well, it's not like you came to see me."

"I wasn't the one who lied, Jasper! I wasn't the one that betrayed my best friend! Why should I have made the effort? Didn't you ever think that I had other things going on and that while I desperately needed my best friend, I was still hurt over how he had treated me?" My voice rose so quickly that I stopped, taking a deep breath to try and calm myself.

"I was trying to protect you, Bells! I thought I was doing the right thing!"

"So why didn't you tell me that two weeks ago?"

"Because I was scared!" My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What could he possibly have been scared about?

"Scared about what, Jazz? I don't understand."

"Everything! I was terrified that if he did decide to leave with his family that you would never recover! Bella, I was the only one who saw the way you were last time. Sure, your parents knew there was something wrong, but I also know that you put up a front for them all. I was the one that sat through you screaming at night, the one who carried you bleeding to death from your truck! I know none of it was his fault and I'm not blaming him for any of it, but I would do anything to prevent you from being hurt like that again. Maybe it was selfish, but I can't watch you go through anything like that ever again, it nearly killed me the first time."

Silent tears spilled over from my eyes and my breathing became more difficult at the sheer pain reflected in his voice. His hands were shaking, fisted into balls on the top of the table as he tried to stay calm.

"And I was scared of losing you. I know how much you love him, Bella, you don't need to tell me. When you became closer again and everyone could see how mad about you he was, I got jealous. It's always been us, Bells. Edward hurt you more than anyone in the world, and he's the only one who has the potential to do it again, but you let him back in anyway. The closer you got the more worried I became about you, Bells. I swear I was only trying to look out for you. I don't want to lose my best friend. It just seemed like you forgot that I love you, too."

He slumped further down in his chair and raked his two hands through his hair. I watched through a tear filled haze as one watery droplet tracked its way out of his eye. I had only ever seen him cry once, when I woke briefly in the ambulance after he came to find me.

"Jazz?"

"Sorry, I shouldn't have dumped all that on you." He quickly wiped away his tears with the back of his hand and composed himself.

"Jazz, don't." I stood from my chair and let him watch me as I walked towards him and sat on his lap. He was uncomfortable with everything he had just spilled so I wound my arms around his shoulders and held myself to him.

His strong and familiar arms wrapped around my back as he sighed gently. I loved Jasper's hugs. Forgetting everything about Edward - which wasn't easy to do - Jasper was the one who could make me feel the safest. He was the lifeline I had in everything.

We sat quietly, heads resting on each other's shoulders. I had no fear of crushing his legs, being as light as I was, so I stayed in the comfort of his embrace. It wasn't until I felt myself relaxing that I realized how much the previous few hours had taken out of me. Seeing Edward in so much pain and suffering so obviously was not an easy thing to observe.

Logically I knew there was nothing I could really do for him - besides making sure that I was there if he needed me. They were issues and conversations that he had to work through on his own. I didn't even know how much he knew.

The one voice at the back of my head was asking me, was he going to ask if I already knew? Was he going to wonder if - seeing as we had met before - he had told me last summer? I selfishly hoped not. He already knew we had met previously, but telling him I knew all about his family's secret would make things worse, and at the same time, alert him to the fact that we must have been close. After all, he wouldn't have told just anyone about it.

"How is he?" As if reading my thoughts, Jasper's voice broke through the cloud of worry that had surrounded my brain.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I can't do anything to help him," I answered quietly, the truth in my statement hitting a nerve in me.

"All you can do is be there, take it from someone who knows." I squeezed him tightly, knowing he was talking about taking care of me. "Do you know what's wrong with him?" I nodded into his shoulder. "I guess you can't tell me, huh?" I nodded again and he tightened his arms around me in response.

"Just be there, Bells," he whispered. I didn't want him remembering what I had unwillingly put him through. I was sure the pictures of finding me in my truck that day were not ones he wanted to relive.

"I love you, Jazz." My voice broke, simply from the emotion behind my statement.

"I love you too, Bellybutton." I laughed lightly at his re-call. The last time he had called me that, we had been at least five.

A shattering of glass brought us out of the silence that followed, and I whipped my head around at the sound. There was no-one in the kitchen, but something inside me told me I already knew what the cause was. There was more than one mirror at the front of the house after all.

I could hear Charlie's footsteps coming down the stairs, quicker than he ever usually moved. Before I could voice my concern, Jasper was up and placing me on my feet in the middle of the kitchen floor. He darted out of the doorway, me close on his heels.

How it happened so quickly, my brain couldn't comprehend. Edward lunged at Jasper, rage evident on his face and his fist outstretched. When his already bandaged knuckles connected with the side of Jasper's jaw, Charlie's arms locked around the front of him, restraining him from doing any more damage.

I was watching in horror as Edward fought to get free, not liking being held back; too far gone to even realize who had him locked in a hold. His eyes were dilated in anger and his gaze didn't waver from Jasper who had had the sense to back off, his hands nursing the side of his mouth.

Edward was screaming. I had the urge to cover my ears; the pain that he was going through too much for me to take. He was so angry and so hurt that anything could have been the target of his rage. The fact that he was set on hurting Jasper told me it was an automatic response to what he had heard. He was so insecure that hearing someone else say they loved me was a step too far.

I guess looking back, I was walking into a dangerous situation. Edward was well capable of hurting anyone when he was blinded by his anger. He wouldn't mean to hurt me, but it could happen.

I passed Jasper, whose arm shot out to stop me, only enraging Edward further. I stepped around him, my pleading evident in my eyes; I needed to help him in the only way I knew how. Edward was still thrashing in my dad's arms, no sound coming from Charlie at all as I stepped closer to them.

"Bella." Charlie's voice rang out like a warning and whether he meant it or not, it shifted something in Edward. His eyes flew to my ever approaching form and the haze that had overcome him seemed to clear out.

"Edward?" He stopped thrashing, slumping in my father's arms. Charlie had to support him as his body crumpled to the floor at our feet.

I wasn't in danger - he was too destroyed to have any strength left.

A shard of glass sliced through the sole of my foot and I stopped in my tracks. He was crumpled in the remains of our hall mirror. I grabbed his hand and motioned for my dad to help me get him up. His fingers tightened around mine as Charlie lifted him to his feet and helped him back across to the sofa.

"I'm sorry." Edward's voice cracked as a result of the screaming and disuse before it.

"Can you leave us for a minute?" Jasper looked horrified at my question, but my dad nodded and led him back into the kitchen. If Edward was talking then I had to keep him talking.

"What happened, Edward?" It wasn't until I'd asked it that I realized it was a little open ended. I had only been asking about his latest episode, not what happened before he arrived. As if he had completely blocked it out - again - he answered the way I wanted him to.

"You said you loved him. It hurt to hear you together." He confirmed my suspicions, and I felt guilty for subjecting him to that conversation.

"I do love him, Edward, he's my best friend. But don't you ever think for a second that I don't love _you._ I'm _in love _with you and I always will be."

"You're all I've got."

"No. Your family loves you, they all do. Emmett, Alice and Carlisle would do anything for you. That's what family are for." I deliberately left Esme out of it and somehow he seemed relieved that I had.

"Please don't leave me. I need you too much." He looked at me for the first time in hours and the look - or lack thereof - in his eyes made the crack in the heart that belonged to him, crumble a little more. Anything he showed me reflected off me. My heart was his after all.

"I love you. I'm not going anywhere. Come here, you need some rest." I beckoned him back to me and once again he settled down with his head this time on my stomach. He dropped a light kiss through my tee-shirt just above my belly button and I felt the tears prick at my eyes.

The world really had been against us from the start. I felt like I was living in a Shakespeare play at times, with more tragedy than love surrounding me at any one moment. Even the moments in the previous month that had been truly good, had been overshadowed by either sorrow or pain. Either the lies I was telling him or the life he had forgotten, always lurking, waiting to play another cruel trick upon us.

I ran my fingers through his hair, the situation vastly different from any other time I had ever done it. I watched him closely, hoping he could succumb to sleep like he had before, but his eyes remained open, unmoving and fixed on a point in the room.

I had been in that situation. He was - in the simplest form - afraid to fall asleep. No matter how many times I assured him I would be there when he woke up, or if I tried to tell him that in sleep he would be safe, it wouldn't sink in to him.

The more I related Edward's situation to my own, the more I really realized how much Jasper had done for me. Just what Jasper meant to me. It was always clear, he was my best friend and I loved him to pieces, but without him? I shuddered in fear myself, at what could have happened at the closing of the last year.

Would I have made it to Christmas? Hell, would I have made it to Thanksgiving? What did I have to give thanks for? That was what I had asked myself at the time. I had sat around the table with Jasper's family and my own, wondering what I could possibly force out in the form of words.

Of course, it didn't help that Jasper's parents knew exactly what I had been through. I was forcing them to come into my home and lie to my parents. I had to sit at that table, force a smile through dinner, and truly give thanks for something. At the time I think I mumbled something about having a safe place and friends who loved me, just to satisfy the concerned looks of my mother. Because yes, back then she had been concerned.

For the thousandth time since she had left, I honestly wondered what had happened between my parents. I got that Charlie didn't want to talk about it, how the love of his life walked out on him the same day his baby girl went into hospital, but there had to be a legitimate reason. Renee may have had a flighty character, but there was a time when nothing came before her family. So what had made her flee?

When I brought myself out of my inner musings. I noticed with a sad smile that Edward's eyes were beginning to droop. He of course would be stubborn and fight the onslaught of darkness, but he would unwillingly fail in his task eventually.

There was no doubt that his day, the finale of his brooding for nearly two whole weeks, would have taken everything out of him. His world had been shattered - to what capacity was still unknown to me - and there was nothing he could do about it.

When his eyelids finally drooped, I sent a prayer of sorts up to whoever was listening, that he stayed. He came to me, even subconsciously, to let me help him instead of running like the last time.

Whether he stayed for long was yet to be seen. There was something gnawing at me, telling me that it wasn't going to last. It was right of course, when did anything between us last? If he decided that he couldn't stay any longer, that he needed to get out once again, would I let him go?

Would he run, find comfort in someone else and never come back? Could I honestly let him go? Even if it was best for him? Had I been selfish enough when it came to our relationship, having lied to him to keep him, that it would be time to let him choose what path he wanted?

Of course I couldn't stop him, so the next question to be asked was, would I go with him if Forks was the newest geographical location for him to flee?

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Thank you to all who voted for FMN in the Twilight All-Human Awards and the Hidden Star Awards, but when you're up against the girls with four figure review counts...there really is no competition...guess FMN will always be the bridesmaid, eh?**

**Soooo, what did we think?**

**Follow me on twitter for all the latest FMN news (at)LiveInDakota**

**Who wants to push up my review count? :P**

**xx**


	29. Valentine's Night

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Here we go! Let's check in and see how our Edward is getting on eh?**

**Twilight belongs to SM, but all characterisations and plot lines of FMN are copyrighted of LiveInDakota 2010. All plaigarism will be reported so just don't do it!**

**Enjoy...We'll chat at the bottom :P**

* * *

**Chapter 29: Learn My Lesson**

_"Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end. - Anon."_

You got wires, going in  
You got wires, coming out of your skin

You got tears, making tracks  
I got tears, that are scared of the facts

Running, down corridors through, automatic doors  
Got to get to you, got to see this through

I see hope is here, in a plastic box  
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes

You got wires, going in  
You got wires, coming out of your skin

There's dry blood, on your wrist  
Your dry blood on my fingertip

Running, down corridors through, automatic doors  
Got to get to you, got to see this through

First night of your life, curled up on your own  
Looking at you now, you would never know

I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes  
You'll be alright  
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your eyes  
You'll be alright  
Alright

Running, down corridors through, automatic doors  
Got to get to you, got to see this through

I see hope is here, in a plastic box  
I've seen Christmas lights, reflect in your eyes

Down corridors, through automatic doors  
Got to get to you, got to see this through

First night of your life, curled up on your own  
Looking at you now, you would never know.

_**Wires - Athlete**_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

"Dad? I'm heading out. Can you watch Edward for me?"

I stuffed my arms into my coat, waiting as Charlie padded quietly out of the kitchen and into the hall.

"Where are you going? It's late, Bella..." His warning dropped off and something shifted in his eyes. He had never been the one to express concern or give out punishments, but he was learning to step into the shoes of two parents at once. I smiled at him in appreciation.

"I'm heading to the hospital. I want to see Carlisle, if he's not too busy."

Charlie's mustache twitched as he tried to hide a smile, but I caught it.

"You're a good kid, Bells. That boy is lucky to have you." I smiled, giving him a quick one-armed hug and heading out the door. I didn't want to be away from Edward any more than was absolutely necessary.

He had only been asleep for an hour, and it was hitting nine o'clock. I only prayed that he stayed under until I got back and that Carlisle had actually started his shift at the hospital. I needed to know what happened before Edward had arrived at ours.

I realized I was going behind his back again, but I wasn't going to need specifics. I just needed to know _how much _he had remembered and how bad it was likely to be. I dreaded finding out that he only knew parts of it, because how much worse could he get?

As I passed the diner on my way across town I noticed that it was extremely busy. Sure it was a Saturday night, but I couldn't remember ever seeing it near to full. A couple was leaving as I slowed down at a stop light, his arm around her shoulder and his mouth pressed to her temple as he said something quietly to her. She laughed lightly and smiled up at him as if he was the most important thing in her world. He probably was.

Setting off again, I felt a tiny twinge of jealousy. Things hadn't been that carefree and easy for Edward and I for near a year. But when I thought about our summer, I was warmed considerably from the inside. Edward and I had gone on plenty of dates, done hundreds of things together and damned near spent every minute together when it was feasible. I had to remember that we _had_ had that; we just needed to get back to it.

I pulled my truck into the parking lot of the hospital and sent a small prayer up that it was both dry outside and Carlisle's car was parked in his reserved spot. All I had to do was find him.

Memories of my last encounters in hospitals surfaced as I walked into the brightly lit corridors, and the unmistakable smell of antiseptic and death washed around me. I shivered in the cool breeze that blew in with me as I opened the door and took a deep breath, not realizing it would prove difficult for me to be back in Forks Emergency.

It clearly hadn't been long enough, because I still remembered Jane as I walked across to the nurses' station. Her eyes narrowed at me as I approached, but she fixed her features into an attempt at a pleasant smile and asked me what I wanted with a nod of her head.

"Is Dr Cullen around? It's about his son," I asked her quietly, not wanting to start an unnecessary panic. I only mentioned what it was about to give me more of a chance of seeing him. I had a feeling she wouldn't relay any kind of message if she didn't think it was really important.

"Of course, he's off duty at the moment. I'll just go grab him for you." Something I really didn't want to witness flashed across her eyes at the word grab and I shivered. What the hell was wrong with this woman? She clearly knew he was married with a family - albeit not a happy one at the moment - and she also knew Edward was with me when I had been in - if only just.

As I stood waiting for Jane to return, I realized for the first time that if I hadn't been in the hospital those three days, I would have been out on a date with Jake and angry at Edward after our fight. Things could have worked out drastically differently if he hadn't come to visit me with his peace offering of sunflowers and breakfast. I smiled at the memory. Even when he "barely knew me" he had been sweet and caring.

How long would it be before we got back to that?

I turned and rested my elbows and back against the high desk, taking in the scene around me. I noticed with a small sense of relief that the people I was looking around at were fairly happy; lives obviously having been brought back to them, not taken away.

Something red and shiny caught my eye as it floated in the door. Yes, it floated. There was a young guy heading towards the desk I was standing at, a massive bunch of roses in one hand and a balloon tied round his other wrist. I gasped softly at the realization that hit me. The balloon said "Happy Valentine's Day" on one side and had a giant glittery heart on the other.

It was Valentine's Day. It was Valentines Day and my boy was curled up on my sofa, terrified of facing his shattered life, broken beyond any semblance of repair, and I was standing in a hospital waiting to talk to his dad - who wasn't really his dad - about what he had actually remembered because I didn't know. It was yet another reminder that nothing about mine and Edward's relationship was conventional or easy.

"I'm sorry it wasn't the day you deserved, Bella." I turned sharply at the sound of Carlisle's voice and found him staring sadly at the balloon bobbing above our heads.

"I have Edward back, for now. I don't need to celebrate some fabricated day to know that I love him. I thought I'd lost him forever, Doctor Cullen."

He nodded solemnly, searching my eyes for some unspoken answer.

"Come, we can talk in my office." He placed his hand on my shoulder and steered me in the correct direction, his other hand outstretched in front of us.

"Jane? Don't call me unless it's an emergency. Dr. Volturi can handle anything else for a while." She nodded at him, eyes narrowed in suspicion and intrigue, probably wanting the newest gossip.

"How is he?" Carlisle closed the door softly behind us and walked around to sit behind his desk as I slumped into a leather armchair facing him.

"He's...a mess. Basically the way he was last summer, except then he tried to hide it from me." My eyes hit the floor as I felt the tears welling up in them at the memory. It had been so obvious to me that he was in pain and that something had gone seriously wrong in his life before I met him, but he would never speak about it, never even acknowledge it was there.

_Then: Summer 2009_

_"Edward?" I called out as I let myself into his parent's apartment, knowing his family was out for the night, again. When there was no answer I assumed he was upstairs or in the shower, so I took the bags through to the kitchen._

_I stopped dead at the sight of him crumpled on the floor beside the breakfast bar, a brown A4 envelope lying beside him and sheets of paper scattered around his feet. He had his head in his hands as his body shook violently._

_The bags dropped from my fingers, the items clanging loudly on the tiled floor as I darted across to him. I was frightened, shocked to see him cry. It was clear that whatever he had been hiding from me he was no longer able to cover up. I had seen the envelope before, at the bottom of the drawer of his bedside table, but never did I imagine it could have that kind of effect on him._

_"Edward?" He didn't answer me again, but his head shot up and his bloodshot, terrified eyes met mine seconds before he reached his arms out to me._

_I crawled into his embrace, winding my arms around his muscled torso and hugging myself close to him. His usual musky but sweet scent drifted around me as I felt the heat from his body soak into my skin, warming me from the inside out._

_"You're okay. I'm not going anywhere," I murmured, not knowing what to say._

_I was full-out panicking on the inside. I had no idea what to say to someone in that state, I didn't even know what had made him like that. I was scared of saying the wrong thing, somehow making things worse._

_Instead, I stayed quiet, matching his silence with the even sound of my breathing, listening with rapt attention as his started to copy my own. His body started to shake less, his breathing stopped shuddering, and he was no longer gasping for breath when I started to stroke my hands through his hair._

_I weaved my fingers through the strands at the back of his head, gently massaging his scalp, not having any idea if he would mind. He had always made a fuss of no one touching his hair, hell we hadn't even kissed, despite how much I had wanted to_

_This was the closest we had physically been since we had met._

_Selfishly, I had thought that tonight might have been the night to make the non-touching, non-kissing thing disappear. It had to be obvious to him that every time he leaned in to me I was yearning for him to press his lips to mine. Instead, he would kiss me sweetly on the forehead and bid me goodnight, give me an extra-long hug or just nudge me with his shoulder. I was beginning to think that I was feeling far more for the boy I was holding than he did for me._

_"I want you to get up off the floor, okay?" I whispered my request into his ear and noted with relief that he nodded in answer._

_I hoisted myself to my feet, not letting go of Edward's hand, before pulling him up to join me. I led him over to one of the kitchen stools and sat him down. Before I realized what I had done, I had reached up onto my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his temple. I froze, but then decided it would be better for me to act as if it hadn't happened._

_I turned and crouched down over the envelope and its contents. Without looking at what was written on any of the sheets, I gathered them together and slid them back into their home. I may have tried not to look, but the top sheet had the name of a bank in Chicago printed in large bold lettering across the top of it._

_Why would a bank statement cause that kind of reaction? I shook my head, knowing it was none of my business, but hurt that Edward couldn't face whatever it was. I may have only known him for two weeks, but it was becoming clear that anything that hurt him hurt me, too._

_I placed it under a pile of mail sitting on the counter top and retrieved the bags from the floor. With Edward sitting stock still, staring a hole in the fridge, I put away the food and started making us some lunch._

_Even when I settled it down on the counter in front of him, his gaze didn't flinch. I was halfway through my salad before he picked up his fork and slowly began to eat. I cleared our dishes away in silence, paying no attention to the fact that there were no dishes in the dishwasher or that there was never much food in the cupboards. Surely an apartment with five people staying in it would look a little more...lived in?_

_I wound my arms around Edward from the back and rested my chin between his shoulder blades, breathing in his unique scent in a very noticeable way. Friends could hug right? And sniff? He seemed to tense under my touch, a reaction that hurt me more than I could admit and I pulled away. _

_His actions only served to confuse me even more when he grabbed my hand and kept me close to him. He wouldn't let me hug him, but he wouldn't let me go too far away either._

_"Talk to me, please?" As I finally broke the silence, the film that had glossed over his eyes seemed to lift and he looked at me for the first time._

_He nodded before leading us into the living room. He took a seat in the middle of the huge sofa and pulled me down next to him. We both turned our bodies at the same time so we were facing one another and our knees were touching. He took a deep breath, letting it shudder out of him again before he gathered the courage he needed to start talking._

_"Before I came here, I found out I was...that my dad, Carlisle...well he's not really my dad at all..." I wrapped my arms around his bicep and squeezed. How was I supposed to respond to something like that?_

_"But my mom, she...she gave me up when I was born. Fuck, it's so complicated! She, she gave me to my real father and then went home to Carlisle and her son, my brother, well step-brother." _

_I gasped. How could a mother do that? How could she completely deny the bond with the son she had just given birth to? How could she cheat on her family in the first place? I stopped that thought in its tracks. If she hadn't, Edward wouldn't have existed._

_"When my real father's wife died in an accident, I was barely two...he took me back to my mom and handed me over. I was basically just handed off from one parent to the other and back again before I could even talk..." I squeezed again. How could anyone do that? How had he kept all this inside him for this long? How was he so calm?_

_"The envelope? Da...Carlisle gave me it before I left, said it was rightfully mine. I've avoided it...until now...you...I thought that I...fuck!" I had never seen Edward at a loss for words, but the fact that he had mentioned me had me intrigued._

_"I what?" I kept my voice soft, gently coaxing the words out of him._

_"I met you...never did I think coming here would lead me to you...but here you are..." _

_Here I am. I didn't get where he was going._

_"I thought that I needed to know everything about my past before I could let you in. I know you know I've been hiding something from you, Bella. I didn't want to lie to you. But I'm not...I don't know who I am and I thought that if I looked in the envelope it would answer some of my questions and I'd be able to show you the real me." _

_I flinched. Basically it was my fault he had opened the damn thing. It was my fault he was in that mess._

_"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to do that for me, Edward. I wasn't pushing for answers. I just hoped you would trust me enough to tell me eventually." His eyes snapped to mine, no longer boring a hole in the floor._

_"It's not your fault, Bella. That's not what I meant! I do trust you. I wanted to tell you everything, but I didn't know it all, so I read it..." He waved his hand in the direction of the kitchen and the envelope._

_"What did it say?"_

_"Not a lot really...I mean it tells me my father's real name, his wife's name, his date of birth, where he lives...all that sort of stuff...but Carlisle didn't give it to me for that. He knew what was in there. My dad started and built his own empire here in New York...fuck, you probably know it...Edward Masen Snr. owns and runs Masen Architecture...we've walked past it more than once..."_

_My jaw hit the sofa and my eyes bugged out of my head. He had walked me past his dads firm more than once, without even knowing it. Hell, it wasn't even that far from the apartment. It was one of the tallest skyscrapers in the area with Masen printed across the glass at the front and down the side of the tower._

_"You're Edward Masen Jr.?" I cringed as I said it, realizing too late that it probably wasn't what he wanted to hear._

_He laughed bitterly. "The one and only. There was a bank statement in there, too. He's been sending me two million dollars on my birthday every year since I was two..." _

_Oh, Jesus Christ. The boy I had spent sightseeing round New York with for two weeks was a millionaire. _

"_Did you know it was the same Masen?" He nodded his head solemnly, his eyes flicking up to mine to gauge my reaction._

"_I kind of guessed he'd own the company...but I never would have imagined that he would send me so much money...on my birthday no less. It surprised me that he even remembered it."_

"_He took care of you for two years, Edward, the two most important years of your life. I'm not taking sides, but I don't think he would have forgotten his own son's birthday. Sure, he probably would have if he had never had anything to do with you. Maybe in his own sick, twisted way he was trying to cushion the blow with the only thing he knew?" Edward's eyes flicked back and forth between mine, and I held my breath, scared that I'd crossed a line._

"_Thank you," he answered softly, making my breath whoosh out of me in relief._

"_Are you going to go see him?" _

_He shook his head almost immediately and I squeezed his arm again. "It's okay. You never have to see him again if you don't want to." I rested my head on his shoulder and felt the tension drain out of him._

"_Would you come with me if I did?" I looked back up at him, noticing that he was biting his lip and looking at me nervously._

"_Of course. I told you I wasn't going anywhere." He smiled for the first time all day and I couldn't help but smile back._

"_How about I take you out? Maybe some meaningless tour somewhere will help take your mind off things?" He nodded again, and I uncrossed my legs, standing up to go get my things. His hand once again found mine and he pulled me to a stop before I was barely two feet away from the sofa._

"_I need to tell you something first. Something about us...before all this happened..." A cold unease settled over me as I turned back to look at him. Something wasn't right._

"_No...Edward...I..." I what? I didn't want him to ruin it? I didn't want to hear that he only wanted to be friends or that he already had a girlfriend._

"_Bella, stop worrying. I need to tell you this. Please?" I nodded my head and sat down again, bracing myself for the worst._

"_I need to apologize for how I've acted the past two weeks. The distance...the mixed signals...I wasn't sure...I mean I...fuck, I can't even get this out!" He shoved his hand through his hair aggressively before looking at me sheepishly. He looked so cute that I giggled softly at the look on his face._

_"I thought that if I kept a distance we could just be friends." My smile slipped immediately and my heart squeezed painfully in my chest. I took a ragged breath in, the reality of his statement crushing me. He didn't feel the same as me. He _did_ only want to be friends. I felt like such a fool. He looked up at me, reading something on my face that I didn't know was there._

_"No, Bella, that's not what I meant. I mean yes, I did mean it, but fuck!"_

_"It's fine, Edward, I get it." _

_It's not like you'd want me anyway._

_"Shit, Bella, I do!" Shit, did I say that aloud? His hand grabbed mine, his cool fingers weaving through my shaking ones. I had just humiliated myself._

_"Look at me, Bella." I shook my head, furiously batting my eyelids to disperse the tears that were gathering in my eyes. I was not going to cry in front of him. He sighed gently, rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand as I felt his gaze boring into the side of my head._

_"I do want you, Bella. I don't want to just be friends. Fuck, have you any idea how difficult it's been trying to keep things friendly between us?" He chuckled humorlessly. My eyes floated back to his of their own accord, his power over me making itself known again._

_"All the times I wanted to kiss you, but couldn't? All the times I wanted to hold your hand simply because I wanted every other guy around us to know that you were mine? Fuck, I've been driving myself crazy trying to stay away from you."_

_"Why?" The small word fell from my lips before I could stop it, and I watched as the sadness rolled over his eyes once again._

_"I'm not a whole person, Bella...I barely know who I am anymore...you deserve someone better than me. You deserve the world, someone who can give you everything you could possibly want or need. I can't give you a future if I don't have one, Bella. You're better off without me."_

_"Don't you think I should get to choose that? That maybe it's a little late to be telling me this now? That I don't need the world and I only want to spend my time with you?" I looked at him, his eyes still red, his skin pale and his hair in utter disarray from the countless times he had shoved his hands through it and decided that nothing could keep me from him at that point._

_I didn't care about what he had and had not done, that he hated his family and ran away from them. I didn't care about what he thought was best for me, although a part of me thrilled at the fact that no one else had been willing to sacrifice something for me before besides my parents._

_I wanted him, too. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to help him talk through everything he had gone through. I wanted to help him make new memories; happy ones, and above all that I wanted to make him smile. It hadn't happened frequently in the time we had spent together, but when it did, it made it all worthwhile. He was so beautiful when he smiled._

_"I don't want you to push me away again. I want to be here and I want to be here for you. If you'll let me. I don't want to leave and never see you again." I blushed, knowing I had said too much, but Edward's finger under my chin made my heart race as he brought my eyes back up to his._

_"I don't think I could handle it if you left me now, Bella." He closed his eyes and gently shook his head, as if trying to banish the thought altogether. When he opened them, his green hypnotizing gaze landed on my lips where my bottom one was trapped between my teeth. I had longed for that look for weeks, but somehow it didn't feel right._

_"Can I kiss you, Bella?" I wanted to scream "yes!" Throw myself on top of him and make out on the couch for hours, but instead, my head shook slowly from side to side. His eyes widened slightly before sadness and pain settled behind his eyes in equal measure. How could he think I was rejecting him after everything I had just said to him?_

_"Not tonight. Not after all this, I want you to mean it. Not because you're trying to prove something or just because I'm here."_

_"I could never _not_ mean it, Bella. But if that's what you want, then I'll wait for as long as it takes." He pulled on my hand and I found myself curled into his chest, his legs outside mine on the sofa. Resting my head above his heart, I let its soothing staccato rhythm lull me as Edward's soft breathing danced through my hair and across my face. _

_His lips didn't move from the top of my head as we both fell asleep in the still bright New York sunlight streaming through the windows._

**Now:**

I smiled at the memory. Edward had kissed me that very next morning when I had gone around to his apartment, and it remained one of the best kisses I had ever had. I could only hope that Edward remembered it in time. Remembered the boy he had become over the summer, because it was clear to all that he had lost himself again.

"Esme and I had an argument. Another one of many to be honest, but he heard every word of it. He never should have found out like that." Carlisle shook his head sadly, and it took all I had to stay in my seat and not go over and try to comfort him.

"So he knows about you? Do we know what else?"

"He heard Esme say I wasn't his real father yes, but before he left the house he made it clear he still hadn't remembered what happened last year." My heart sank, that was the worst thing he could have said.

"Basically, he doesn't know the half of it? Nothing about Edward, or Italy, or New York, or anything in that envelope?" Carlisle shook his head again and I slumped further into the armchair I was sitting on.

Edward was in a bad way. There was no denying that, but he hadn't even uncovered half of the truth of his past. What was the rest going to do to him? Not even taking into account everything he had yet to discover about me - our relationship, his baby, the fact that it was my fault he lost his memory in the first place.

My heart constricted painfully in my chest. It was becoming ever more apparent, that while Edward had acted surprisingly well up to now in regards to me, it wasn't going to stay that way.

There would be no measurement for the anger he would unleash when he discovered I had been lying to him about things as important as his family. He could have had a family of his own and he didn't even know. Who would ever get over something like that? Who would ever forgive something like that?

Tears started to roll freely down my cheeks, tracking the same path I was sure was etched into my skin, having cried so often and for so long.

"Get him to talk, Bella. That's all I can ask. He needs you more than anything, more than he did last year. I know you have to lie to him again, but try and get him to open up about it. I always thought that if he talked about it, he would remember more. Can you look after my son for me, Bella?" It was obvious that the good doctor was fighting tears himself as I looked up at him.

Edward wasn't going to want to go home and to stop him from running again, I was going to have to ask Charlie to push out his boundaries, patience and charity once more for me. If his understanding and love up until that point had been any indication, then I hoped he would do one more thing for me, for Edward.

I nodded my head and stood, turning to leave the professional office we had been sitting in. I felt Carlisle move behind me and without thinking twice about it; I turned and wound my arms around his torso. Much like the first time I had spontaneously hugged him, he stiffened in surprise before hugging me back.

As his hand brushed up and down my arm in a fatherly gesture, I felt the tears well in my eyes. I tried to push them back down, but he must have felt the moisture soaking through his expensive-looking shirt. He pulled back gently and grabbed a tissue from the silver box on his desk.

"What if he...he finds out about...about me, too? I can't...he won't...I don't think I can do this for...for much longer..." I hiccuped my way through my sentence but Carlisle must have made it out anyway.

"It's only a matter of time before he finds out, Bella, but he loves you. I could see how much he loved you the night your dad brought you in. If he felt that strongly after a week, then I have no doubt that the way he feels about you will get him through almost anything." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, causing Carlisle to smile before answering my unspoken question.

"He was already here when you came in. He came to talk to me...I never did find out what it was he wanted to talk about...though I have a feeling it was you. He's pretty much terrified of being in a hospital, Bella, but he stayed here all night while you were in surgery. His feelings for you were strong enough then to get him over one of the biggest fears he had. And he came back; if that wasn't love then I don't know what is." His kind smile brought about a new batch of tears as the sobs wracked out of me.

Why was I crying so desperately? Because I had never taken into account how Edward felt about me? It was dawning on me that every time he said he loved me I was forgetting about the missing five months in our history. Not the ones he had forgotten; the ones we had been apart.

I was only just realizing that when he said he loved me it was because he did. The new, bridged version of Edward, who was scared of his missing past, angry at everyone around him, tortured over his visions and frustrated with everything in his life had fallen in love with me. He didn't say it because his old feelings had come back, he said it because - as the person he was now - that was how he felt.

How had I taken that for granted for so long?

"Never doubt, for a second, Bella, that my son loves you. You're his whole world and my whole family loves you. We could never repay you for bringing him back to us, for looking after him when he had no one else, for loving him when he thought no one else could. You have no idea what you've done for my family, Bella. I will forever be indebted to you."

I threw my arms around him again, knocking him back a step and hugged him tightly. I smiled as his chuckle rocked through me and I pulled back blushing.

"Thank you." It wasn't so much for what he had said; just that he had said the right thing to give me the strength I needed.

"No, Bella. Thank you." He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear before turning me by the shoulders and pushing me gently out of his office with a light chuckle.

Jane's eyes zeroed in on us the second the door opened, narrowing in distaste at Carlisle's hands on my shoulders. Seriously? I was sixteen years old for Christ's sake. Not that he wasn't a good looking guy, but that was another thing entirely.

"Are there no other hospitals she can work in?" My hand flew to my mouth and I turned beet red at my unsolicited comment, but Carlisle only laughed heartily.

"I've asked myself that countless times, Bella, countless." I giggled lightly, slightly relieved that I hadn't been far too rude.

I bid Carlisle goodbye, giggling as he rolled his eyes when Jane sauntered up to him with a clipboard and pen. She seriously needed taken down a peg or five. Was I just saying that because she had hit on my man, too? Probably, but I seriously couldn't be blamed for that. I could blame Edward; simply for looking far too hot for his own good.

I was smiling as I climbed into my truck and roared it to life. The rain had stopped slanting down onto the road, and my talk with Carlisle had seemed to lift my outlook on things, even if only temporarily.

By the time I made it back onto my road I was wishing I had had the sense to take my mom's car, the clutch on mine causing too much exertion on my pelvis. Most of the time I completely forgot about the surgery, but when I did too much, a searing pain would remind me of all of it once again. I guess it was too much to hope for that it would go away if I forgot about it, that what the doctors had told me in October of last year was a mistake. But that would make things less difficult in my life and relationship with Edward, so of course it wasn't going to happen.

My smile was gone and my mood had shifted back as I pulled my truck into the driveway behind Renee's. I waved shyly as I noticed Jasper sitting at his bedroom window on the side of his house with his guitar in hand. He nodded back at me with a faint smile before going back to plucking. It seemed things between us were going to take a little more work, too.

I opened the door quietly, praying Edward was still asleep, and shut it equally as gently behind me. I heard Charlie plodding about in the kitchen as I hung up my coat, but everything froze when I heard Edward cry out.

My first thought was that he was in pain, and when he called my name I thought he was awake and something was terribly wrong. I darted over to the sofa to find he was still out cold, one arm dangling off the edge and the other gripping the cushion so tightly he was close to ripping a hole in it. He was quiet again as I looked at him and I wondered if I'd imagined the whole thing.

"He's been calling for you for about ten minutes, Bells. His nightmares are as bad as yours."

My eyes snapped to my dad in disbelief. He had never once mentioned my nightmares before, not even asking me in the mornings after them if I was okay.

"You screamed in your sleep for nearly two months, honey, I couldn't forget about it if I wanted to." Charlie's whole face fell as he recalled something he obviously didn't want to.

"Jasper never told me..." I scrunched my face up, trying to remember back. I recalled dreaming about Edward and how he wasn't there to hold me like I wanted him to, but I didn't remember them being that drastic.

"He looked after you. I owe him a lot for keeping you with us last year."

My jaw dropped in disbelief and my eyes watered once again.

Had he known all along how bad things had been for me? How I struggled to get from day to day? Did he know on Thanksgiving that I didn't want to give thanks for anything? That I wanted to scream into the sky every day about how unfair life was? How I wanted to go back every damn day and get to do it all over?

"I..." Edward cried out in his sleep again, interrupting my near confession to my father.

I fell to my knees at the same end of the sofa that his head was at and wound my fingers through his hand. I used my other hand to brush the hair that had flopped onto his forehead back, trailing my fingertips across the skin of his forehead.

"Bella..." I bit my lip to keep the whimper of sadness inside of me. He sounded even more broken than he had earlier, and I cursed myself for leaving him at all. Even if he had been asleep, I of all people should have known not to leave him.

"I'm right here, Edward. I told you I wasn't going anywhere." I squeezed his fingers, hoping the act would break through the surface of his nightmare. He calmed considerably as Charlie sat down heavily in his chair opposite us.

"I can't give you the world, Bella." I was turning around to look at my dad again when Edward's whispered words halted me in my movement.

My heart dropped out of my chest at the same moment that my jaw tightened in fear. He was definitely still asleep, but why would he have said that, of all things? The last time he had said those words we had been sitting in his apartment in New York. Was he dreaming about us? Remembering?

The fear must have shone through in my eyes as Charlie looked at me in confusion. I opened my mouth, loudly dragging the air back into my lungs as a tear fell from my left eye.

"Has he said that to you before?" Charlie's voice was full of concern, but he sounded tired, defeated even. I looked at my dad, who had done everything in his power for me for months without me even realizing. Why was tonight the night for revelations? Why was I only just realizing that I couldn't have hidden all of my pain from my parents?

I nodded. "In New York. He said he wasn't good enough for me."

A small smile played on my dad's lips and I rolled my eyes.

"What? He's a smart kid!" He defended himself with a light chuckle, and I was glad he had helped lighten my load a little. There was no need for me to worry about something said while dreaming.

Not yet anyway.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**So? The envelope? Another piece of the puzzle has been revealed...another piece that Edward doesn't know...poor thing :O **

**Who thinks Edward did go and see his real dad?**

**And Charlie? How much does he know? :O**

**What did we think then? Please make my weekend even better than it's going to be by hitting that little review button at the bottom!**

**I seem to be getting less with each chapter instead of more :(**

**Who wants to get me to 300?**

**xx**


	30. It Ends Tonight

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Welcome! Kept my two week promise didn't I?**

**I apologise to any reviewers I didn't get back to last week, but I appreciate and read every single one of them! So thank you all :)**

**There's also some important news at the bottom that I'd like y'all to take a few mins and read! :P**

**Enjoy!**

**SM owns all things Twilight. All characterisations and plot lines of FMN are copyrighted of LiveInDakota 2010. Don't do it!**

* * *

**Chapter 30: It Ends Tonight**

Your subtleties, they strangle me  
I can't explain myself at all.  
And all the wants, and all the needs  
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing, my mind's un-weaving  
Maybe its best you leave me alone.  
A weight is lifted, on this evening  
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight  
It ends tonight.

A falling star, least I fall alone.  
I can't explain what you can't explain.  
You're finding things that you didn't know  
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing, my mind's un-weaving  
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.  
A weight is lifted, on this evening  
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight,  
It ends tonight.  
Just a little insight won't make this right,  
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight,  
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side  
It's better than being on your side  
It's my fault when you're blind  
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside  
Now you're the first to know...

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight,  
It ends tonight.  
Just a little insight won't make this right,  
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight,  
It ends

When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight,  
It ends tonight.  
Just a little insight won't make this right  
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight,  
It ends tonight.

Tonight...  
Insight...  
When darkness turns to light,  
It ends tonight.

_It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects_

* * *

Bella POV: Now

Edward slept – at least he tried to – unsuccessfully.

I changed the topic of conversation after Edward's statement, and asked Charlie if he could stay with us. With more than a few ground rules established, he finally agreed. I flew across the room, landing on top of him with a "humph," and wrapped my arms around him tightly.

Edward wasn't allowed near my room when Charlie wasn't home, there was to be no "messing around" under his roof, and Edward had to promise to talk to his family. Charlie specifically expressed that we not become entangled in the Cullen's problems, but something in his eyes told me he already knew there was no way out of it for me.

When Charlie headed to bed I stayed in my spot – sitting Indian style beside the end of the sofa that graced Edward's head. I held his hand in mine tightly; trying to assure him I was there, hoping he could feel me in his sleep.

Every hour or so his body would become restless, his breathing would sharpen and his grip on my hand would increase, signaling the arrival of yet another nightmare. I brushed my fingers lightly across the skin under his eyes, like he had done to me too many times to count. I weaved my fingers through the front of his hair, gently massaging it through my hand, or I simply whispered to him, telling him I was there for him and I wasn't going to leave him.

I took solace in the fact that it worked every time, and I battled my own exhaustion to look out for him as the darkness ceased to leave us in peace.

I remembered contemplating leaving my spot to make myself some coffee when the sun started to lighten the sky outside, but I couldn't bring myself to let go of him, even for a few minutes. I felt responsible for his safety in his dreams; no one else could get him through them. I knew from experience that it was practically impossible to save yourself from a nightmare foe. Whether it be a simple idea, or the embodiment of what you feared most. I had to help him – in consciousness. I was the only one who could chase his demons away.

No matter how hard I fought, I guess it was inevitable that sleep take me. Something woke me abruptly, and I opened my heavy eyes to morning light filtering in through the front windows. I shivered in the cold air of the room and felt my heart rate increase. It knew before I did that something was wrong.

There was no longer any pressure on my hand. The sofa was empty, the only trace of Edward's night long distress the crumpled and squashed cushions he had left in his place. The material wasn't even warm as I brushed my arm across it. I panicked. How long had he been gone?

In my head, I started calculating how far he could get in an hour at the least. Would he go home? Get in his car and drive as far away as he could? I was fairly certain he wasn't in the right frame of mind to be thinking about going anywhere and my heart sank.

There was a fair chance I had lost him.

Hoisting myself up, I quickly checked the downstairs of the house, my panic increasing when I found all the rooms empty. The back door was still locked from when Charlie had gone to bed, so he wasn't outside. He could have just been in the bathroom. I pinned my hopes on that as I quietly padded up the stairs, all of them crashing around me when I found the door ajar and the room very much empty.

The clock on my bedside table told me it was only seven in the morning. It wouldn't be long before Charlie was up and about. How was I going to explain Edward's disappearance and my worry to him? _Well, when I was pregnant with his child last year - that I consequently lost - he was missing for months. It just brings back memories is all_? I didn't think that would wash over as well as everything else had.

From my stance just inside my bedroom door, I could see down our street in the opposite direction of Jasper's house. At first I thought it was some sort of mirage, but then I reasoned with myself. A silver Volvo wasn't the smallest of objects. I definitely wasn't imagining it. Edward's car was still here. He _couldn't_ have gone far.

I shoved my window up a little too forcefully, startling a bird sitting on one of the bare branches of the tree outside my window, which had been peacefully enjoying its morning. Sticking my head out of the window, my whole body filled with relief. There, sitting on my freezing porch step, legs sprawled out in front of him, was Edward.

I turned on the spot, grabbed my duvet from my bed and raced down the stairs again. As I approached the door I noticed my keys dangling from the lock. I rolled my eyes. Why hadn't I noticed that when I swept the ground floor? It should have been one of the first things I checked.

The door creaked quietly as I opened it gently and stepped out. My feet hit freezing wood, and I grimaced as it shocked through my skin and chilled me in one step. The smell of smoke reached me as I closed in on Edward's silently hunched form. A puff of smoke billowed out in front of him in the cold morning air. _I didn't know he smoked_, was all I could think.

Ignoring the way my stomach churned at the smell, I lowered myself onto the step beside him, laying the duvet gently over his shoulders, before wrapping myself in it at his side. He didn't even glance at me as I shuffled over, greedily stealing his body heat from under our shelter.

He took a drag from the cigarette in his hand, then another, and another, not once looking at me, or even acknowledging that I was shivering beside him. His growing silence became more unbearable and painful with the more attention that he showed the diseased object he was holding in his fingers.

"Why are you smoking?"

He shrugged. "It helps."

That was it? That was all he was giving me? My anger grew, a sum of what he was actually doing, and his new idea that he speak to me as little as possible. He wasn't even looking at me.

The fact that he couldn't remember why it would upset me so much only proved to be fuel to the fire. It shouldn't have surprised me, of course he didn't know. He wasn't doing it on purpose, unlike the silent treatment, but perhaps I was just too sick of him not knowing anything about me that I flipped.

"It helps? It fucking helps? You almost died six months ago! Wasn't that enough for you? You're just going to kill yourself slowly instead?" The only thing that alerted me to the fact that he had actually heard me was the way his body tensed at my sudden rage. It had been a long time since I had gotten angry at him, and my body shook from top to toe as I stood, leaving his inviting warmth behind.

I stood in front of him, two steps down and almost level with his head, waiting for him to look up. To laugh at my outburst, show concern for why I was freaking out over his smoking, to shout back, or to even look at me. Instead, he stubbed out the cigarette on the decking and continued to stare a hole in the ground at my feet.

"Edward, I..." No. I stopped myself, I wasn't going to apologize. I was angry and damned entitled to vent at him, no matter what he had been through. My confusion was as to _why_ he was ignoring me. Fine, if he didn't want to talk, it was understandable, but he wouldn't look at me, or touch me either. He had completely withdrawn between waking up and my finding him.

"I love you," I whispered. "I...I don't know what I'd do if you forgot that..." I bit my tongue to keep in my last word. I nearly added "again," but managed to stop myself in time. The last thing we needed was me saying too much and planting the biggest seed of doubt I could manage. He wasn't strong enough for the whole truth.

My shoulders fell in defeat when I still hadn't managed to illicit a response from him. I padded back up the stairs and headed back into the house, sending a prayer up that he didn't run. He didn't want me around, so giving him space was the only logical way around it. But that didn't mean _I _didn't want _him_ around. All I could do was hope he knew that.

The gentle click of the door behind me seemed to echo through my head, throwing my mistake back at me. My inner voice was screaming at me, asking me what the hell I thought I was doing leaving him out there. The other voice in my head, that I had yet to label, was encouraging me to keep walking, telling me I was doing the right thing, no matter how much it may be hurting me.

I still felt numb when my dad shuffled down the stairs, still sleepy eyed. He stopped on the bottom step and took a good, long, hard look at me before sighing gently and padding down the final step onto the hallway floor.

"How is he?" I merely shook my head, not really knowing how to answer. I noticed a flash of pain and concern fly across my dad's face before he pulled me into his arms and rocked us back and forth.

"Are you sure you want him here? You know it's only going to hurt you...I don't want to see my little girl in that much pain again." I froze. He always talked like he knew so much more than I knew he did.

"Dad? What...I..." I pulled back, looking at my father in confusion. How much _did_ he know?

"Let's not talk about this now, eh? Go and get yourself some breakfast. I'll talk to Edward about our arrangement, okay?" I nodded slowly. He hadn't answered my question, and yet I knew so much more than if he had.

I'd told him in the hospital that Edward had been the one I'd spent all my time with in New York. He knew that Edward had forgotten me. It wasn't so hard to imagine that Charlie had pieced the rest together.

That I had been in love with him, and him me. That Edward had been in his accident and forgotten me, thus me thinking he had abandoned me, thus the unresponsive almost coma-like state I had been in for months.

My dad was a smart man, of course he already knew. There was just one piece of the puzzle he _was_ missing, the one piece that was going to prove to be the undoing of my relationship with Edward for good.

"Go. Eat. I'll get him back inside."

I smiled faintly and nodded before stepping round Charlie and heading into the kitchen silently.

I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard as I heard the front door open and close once again. All my movements halted as I listened carefully for two bodies moving into the living room. Edward was with him. All of the air whooshed out of me as I moved silently to the door. There was no way I could eat while I was thinking about their conversation. So obviously that left but one choice, I was going to listen in to it.

"Son, I...Well, Bella and I had a talk last night and agreed to a few things. She asked if you could stay here, and I see no problem with that. But, I won't come between you and your family. Your father is a good man. I want you to talk to him. Even if it's just to tell him where you are and that you're okay. I don't want him worrying about you while you're under my roof, you hear?" There was no response from Edward, but I had to imagine that he at least nodded his head.

"As for everything else...well, I trust you, okay? Bella would never dream of telling you this, but this is hurting her, too. Whatever happened last night is none of my business, but when my daughter can't even handle you like this, then it becomes my concern, you understand?" Again, no response.

"Good. Well then, as long as Bella is okay, I'm okay. You hungry?" I dashed back to the counter, where my bowl was idly waiting on me, and tried to look as if I hadn't heard my dad's protective speech.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention, and a pleasant shiver rippled down my spine. The only indication that Edward had in fact said he was hungry because I knew without looking that he was near. Without turning around, I estimated that he was standing in the kitchen doorway, unsure of what to do or where to go. Gone was his confidence, and while it had always annoyed me – and thrilled me – how cocky he was, this other extreme was far worse. Edward Cullen was never supposed to be the shy, introvert guy; and no, neither was Edward Masen – even more so.

I filled my bowl with cereal, opened the fridge to get the milk, splashed it on and returned it, all with my back to Edward and my father. My skin was slightly flushed, knowing Edward's attention was on me, but after his little stunt, I decided to ignore him like he had done me less than an hour before.

I turned on my heel, my space at the counter immediately being filled by my dad, and headed to the table. I sat strategically, so that I could see what was happening. I had been correct in assuming Edward's position. He was standing awkwardly in the door frame, his eyes flicking over the room, as if he'd never seen it before. I knew better. He was trying not to catch my gaze. It hurt that he was trying so hard not to look at me, what didn't he want me to see?

"What do you fancy, son?" I could see the exact reaction that my dad's word had caused on him, but he tried his hardest to hide it.

"Toast?" Charlie asked when he received no answer.

If I had been my dad, I would have made him talk, but instead Charlie realized he wasn't using his voice at all, offering him things until he nodded his head.

He didn't have to try for very long, because Edward nodded immediately. He didn't want to be in the way, or be a problem for my dad. He wasn't sure why he was being trusted so implicitly or why my dad had agreed to take him in so readily. I could read it in his stance and his expression. After what he had heard last night, he was baffled as to why my dad would care so much.

I gasped softly, garnering the attention of both men in the room. If I had known it would be that easy to get Edward to look at me, I would have done it sooner. Edward asked me with his eyes alone if I was okay, while my dad voiced his concern. I nodded, not looking anywhere other than Edward as my realization sank in.

There was no way he would be so unsure of himself, so insecure after overhearing his parent's argument. He would have been angry, frustrated, upset that he had been lied to. But to completely shut down? To question everything around him once again? He had remembered more, and it had happened between him leaving his house and getting to mine.

It wasn't hard to imagine that after learning the partial truth, his brain had dredged up the rest. Was that why he was ignoring me? Had he remembered his summer in New York? The blood drained from my face, and I felt myself getting fainter as I imagined the possibilities. He wasn't angry at me, he hadn't run. Was it too much to hope that he had remembered about us and not freaked out?

I looked at him, questions flooding out of my eyes, but he only looked back at me in confusion. No, was my answer. He hadn't remembered anything about us. So that left me with what I had wanted to know the night before. He had remembered everything that had made him run to New York. The only thing left, missing from his past, was our time together.

I was filled with simultaneous relief and grief. It had been so long, such a long journey to even get to the point we were at. I was beginning to feel that him remembering would be best for everyone. No matter his reaction, he would know the truth and I wouldn't have to lie anymore.

While I dreaded losing him for good, I needed to stop lying. Some people say that it's easier to just leave the lie in place. But, in our case, it was the lying that was ultimately tearing us apart, whether it was for Edward's "own good" or not.

"Bells?" Tears blurred my vision, my eyes never straying from Edward's green irises. He looked so broken and yet there he stood, concerned for me, but frightened of even speaking to me. My dad's hand landed on my shoulder, jerking me out of the trance Edward had me in.

I shook my head softy, standing from the table and placing my half-empty bowl by the sink. Edward refused to move from the doorway as I padded over to it, my feet still cold from being outside and stinging with every step. I stood before him, his warmth radiating out to me, no amount of distance too far. I stared at the wall beside his head, sure that if I looked in his eyes again, I would break down, confessing everything he didn't know.

After minutes of silence, he sighed gently, moving out of my way without a word. If he had been that concerned about me, he would have done something. Pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head, put his finger under my chin and made me look at him, but he didn't. He kept moving until he was beside the toaster, and silently buttered the freshly popped toast with his back to me.

I looked to my dad, his eyes flicking between us, alternating between anger and concern for the two kids in front of him. I shook my head again, this time in defeat. My eyes rested once more on Edward's tense shoulders before I turned and fled up the stairs.

Charlie knocked on my door an hour later to tell me he was heading out, promising to only be gone a few hours at the most.

I didn't lift my head from my tear soaked pillow as he kissed my head gently. Or when he told me Edward was sleeping on the sofa again, his nightmares no better than they had been the night before. My heart cracked a bit more at my own selfish actions.

Ultimately, I was lying in my dull room, crying into my pillow, wishing it was Edward I was clinging to, and feeling sorry for myself. While downstairs, in my own home, where I had arranged for him to stay so I could look after him, he was tossing and turning, in pain, without me there to help him like I had promised to.

I had promised I wouldn't leave him, that I would be there to get him through anything. Granted that promise had been made over half a year earlier, but it shouldn't have mattered. He was hurting beyond anything, and I wasn't doing anything.

At his first cry, I buried my face into my pillow, willing the sound to somehow disappear. His second one not moments later, made me cry out in pain, too, not being able to handle the sound of him in so much pain.

My own breathing calmed when he was quiet. My tears dried up, my hope shriveling with them as I stared at the date on my calendar. I hadn't flipped it over from the previous day, the number fourteen in bold letters taunting me, encouraging the tears to flow again.

It didn't occur to me until I stared at the page, willing it to turn over, that I should have been at school. We both should have. Monday had come back around again, and I hadn't thought twice about my classes, my homework or my schedule.

Charlie hadn't even mentioned it. I had no idea if he had phoned the school, or if Mrs. Cope would be ringing us any minute, wondering why I wasn't there. Would she phone the Cullen's first? Would Esme pick up the phone and start to worry why her son hadn't turned up for school? The most academic of her children?

What if she wasn't there? Would Carlisle be woken from his sleep, tired after a long night's shift, to be told his son was missing from his classes? Would he have slept at all, or been like me and only managed to grab a couple of hours at the most?

My wall of self-pity seemed to crumble with the more thought I put into Edward and how much everyone else would be worrying. I dragged myself from the bed, deliberately avoiding the mirror and the lying mess I would find reflected back at me.

I descended the stairs quietly, praying with all I had that I wouldn't disturb the peaceful sleep Edward was finally getting. I picked the phone out of its cradle and dialed the now memorized Cullen number, waiting with baited breath for someone to pick it up.

"Hello?" Esme's sharp tone pierced through the earpiece, causing panic and anger to rise as one inside me. Why hadn't it occurred to me that she might pick up the phone _to me_?

"Can I speak to Carlisle, please?" If she recognized my voice, she didn't let on. Telling me curtly to wait a minute, I heard the phone being placed down on a surface and the fading sound of her heels as she walked away. A few minutes later, quicker, softer footsteps sounded, this time heading towards the phone before a rustling and Carlisle's tired, concerned voice.

"Carlisle Cullen."

"Carlisle, it's Bella." I choked on my own name, coughing to clear my constricted throat.

"What can I do for you, Bella?"

"I completely forgot today was Monday. I just wanted to tell you that Edward isn't at school. Well, obviously neither of us are. I didn't even think about it being a school day, and I didn't want you to worry if Mrs. Cope called and I..."

"Bella, calm down. Is something wrong?"

"No...I just...I'm not strong enough for this...I can't..." My voice broke off as a sob bubbled out of me, unwarranted.

"What's brought this on?" His soft voice and even breathing calmed me down as he waited patiently for me to compose myself.

"He's completely shut me out. He wouldn't react like this to only hearing what he heard last night. I think he remembered everything that happened before New York, before he got here. It would explain why his car is pulled up so far down the street. I don't think he made it here before he had another flashback.

"Then I started thinking that the only thing his brain is still leaving out, is everything about us. It's been so long; I don't want to lie to him anymore."

"Only you can make that decision, Bella. Nothing we can say can help you with that."

I sighed sadly, I knew this. I just wanted someone to tell me what I should do, to save me from making the decision.

"He won't look at me, or touch me, and he isn't talking to anyone...I don't think I'm the person he needs to get through this."

"I wish I could help, Bella, really. But apart from you, there's only us. I don't think he can face any of us at the moment. Charlie tells me he's letting Edward stay there?"

"Yeah, dad said Edward could stay with us while he sorts himself out. I only phoned to make sure you didn't worry about him not being at school. He's safe...well I guess he is..." More tears leaked out as I heard my own unsure voice. What if being with us wasn't the best thing for him?

"Thank you, Bella. Call me, anytime, if you need me, okay?"

"Okay. Bye." I pressed the red button to end the call, taking a deep breath.

I had been too caught up in my own thoughts while on the phone to realize that Edward was _too_ still to be sleeping. There wasn't a sound coming from the front room as I stood in the hall with the phone clenched in my hand.

Knowing it was only a matter of time that he got angry at me being on the phone to his dad, I sighed and headed into the kitchen. I stood over the sink, staring at the back garden and the misty rain that was falling over it.

This time when the hair on the back of my neck stood at attention, alerting me to Edward's presence, I knew it was in warning, not in pleasure. My shoulders slumped and I had to brace myself on the counter top to keep from hitting the floor. I definitely wasn't strong enough for him; I couldn't be what he needed.

I turned slowly to face him, my grip increasing on the edge of the solid worktop. He was standing in the doorway again, his hands shoved in his pockets. I wondered briefly how he had known where his clothes were when he awoke. His eyes flicked to me, but I didn't keep my gaze on him long enough to know what emotion lay there.

"Thank you."

Not expecting the soft tone of his voice, or indeed the words he spoke, my eyes flicked to him automatically, my brows furrowing in confusion.

"For staying with me last night, for asking Charlie if I could stay here. Even for phoning my...for phoning Carlisle. I guess he might have worried about me."

He shrugged his shoulders before his eyes hit the floor again. His eye contact had lasted less than a minute, but it was more than I'd had all morning.

"I love you, Edward. I'd do anything for you."

_Even lie for you, _to_ you, keep secrets you couldn't imagine._

"But?" Even in a near catatonic state, he knew I had more to say.

"But...I don't think I can help you. You've already pushed me away. I can't stand on the sidelines and watch you in so much pain, I'm not strong enough for that."

I felt like we'd gone back in time.

Back to when I had stood in his home and told him I couldn't help him. When I told myself that I wasn't strong enough to see him every day and have him not know who I was.

"I can leave?" He gestured faintly to the front door behind him, but I shook my head.

"No, Charlie said you can stay here. I wouldn't make you go back there if you don't want to."

He nodded slowly, confusion marring his pale face.

"Love can make us do anything, Edward. I hope you remember that in time."

I walked towards him, watching as his posture stiffened at my nearing proximity. It hurt, but I didn't stop.

"If it's space you need, then I'll give you it. But, I don't think this will work if you take too long. There's only so much we can get through..."

I stopped in front of him, aware that I probably sounded to him like I was talking in riddles.

"I love you," I said again.

I pressed my lips to his chest, directly above his heart. His whole body tensed, his fists clenching tightly at his sides. I rested my forehead gently on the spot I had just kissed, tears dripping straight onto the floor at the angle of my head, a few leaving stains on his t-shirt.

I pulled back with a ragged breath and stepped around him, pleading in my head the entire way down the hall, that he come after me. Even if he wrapped me in his arms and cried, screamed about how unfair everything had been for him. But, he didn't. Instead, he stayed in the doorway until I got to my bedroom. Only then, did I hear him move back to the front room and collapse onto the sofa.

The soft sound of him sniffing echoed through my silent bedroom. The fact that he was crying only causing me more pain. While he had been broken for so long, in my company, I had only ever seen him cry a handful of times.

He had always been ruled by his emotions in the time I had known him, never able to control them very well at all. But somehow, he had always still seemed so strong, so sure of himself. After talking about the contents of his envelope in New York that day, he had been open about everything. He seemed to take it all in his stride.

Every time we walked past his dad's building, _his_ legacy, he would stop and just look at it. He'd then turn to me with a smile, squeeze my hand in his, and we'd set off on our adventure for the day. We spoke often about what he thought his dad was like, how he really felt about his mom's betrayal, and how he would never be able to imagine his life without his brother and sister.

Then when he turned up in Forks, though he was still a broken boy inside, he was so cocky and self-assured when he was around me. The way he flirted with me made it seem like he was just like every other teenage boy at Forks High. It was only in the moments when he couldn't find the words, when he shoved his hand through his hair, that I remembered just how empty his life was.

I tried to block out the sound, but it wasn't long before I was rocking back and forth in the middle of my bed, my hands over my ears. I imagined I looked like I was five again, trying to block out the sounds of a particularly bad thunderstorm.

I picked up my remote angrily. Angry at Edward for pushing me away, when we both knew he needed someone. I felt guilty for "volumizing" him, but I honestly thought that, either he needed to get through it on his own, or he simply didn't want me around. The piano melodies of Yiruma floated around my room, both haunting and simply classic.

I breathed a sigh of relief at the break it brought me. I hugged my pillow to me, angry at myself for still wishing it was Edward. I wanted him to cling to me, like I had so vividly imagined me doing to him last year. I _wanted_ to be the one to help chase away his dreams. I _wanted _him to use me, to find comfort in me, to _trust _me enough to help him through. Instead, he had pushed me away at the first hurdle.

With the piano still sounding throughout my room, even drowning out the sound of the rain growing ever heavier outside, I dropped into a fitful sleep.

_Confusion hit me first. Instead of darkness, I was in a brightly lit white room. No walls, floors, or ceilings were discernible as I looked around. The room was empty and I turned on the spot, looking for any objects or sign of where I was._

_As I pivoted on the spot, I came back to face my original bearing and what I saw confused me even more. Edward was standing, not ten feet from me, with his dark jeans on and no top. Where had he come from?_

_I watched in horror as he crumpled to the floor, his mouth open in a silent cry of pain. Terror seized me, but I fought the urge that kept me rooted to the spot, and ran towards him. The closer I got, the more I realized something was very wrong._

_A sheet of glass emerged before me, then another, and another. Its perfect edges glinted in the light, and I stopped abruptly. He was locked inside a glass box, its walls not thick enough to muffle his growing cries._

_He started rocking back and forth, blood seeping from his arms and chest. I screamed in horror. He had his eyes screwed shut, but something told me he wasn't feeling physical pain. Every time a new wound opened up on his skin, I felt the slicing clarity of what I only imagined a knife to be piercing through fragile skin. I screamed again, the pain too much for me to handle._

_I landed on the ground, my body now level with Edward's, but he didn't look at me, seemingly unaware of his unwilling audience. Instead, he looked to the sky, his eyes open and tears running down his cheeks. _

_No matter how loudly I called his name, or how many times I screamed for help, I watched as he slipped into unconsciousness, his blood pooling in a dark red puddle all around him. The pain didn't cease, but it was the thought of Edward dying before my eyes that caused the true ache in my chest._

_I would gladly take all his hurt and bear it myself, but there was nothing I could do to help him. He slipped away, alone and cold, while I screamed his name one last time._

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**So who hates me? Who's jaw is on the floor cause this is the second time I've broken them up? Who for some mental reason still has faith in me? **

**Review please! I still haven't hit that 300 mark :(**

**NEWS FLASH! My new fic is finally posted! I'm so excited about this! It's over on Twilighted at the moment, it's called Beyond The Glass and it goes like this:**

Edward Cullen, multi Grammy-award winning, platinum selling artist, is back in the studio and working on his newest instalment. Enter Bella Swan; the business' newest recruit and recording her debut album.

With one treading dangerous water after she is thrown in at the deep end, and the other struggling to find inspiration or meaning in anything, can they find the answers in one another?

Throw in their feuding differences in art and many long nights at the studio and there is bound to be tension. But how can you keep the one thing you'd never want to share to yourself, in a world so crazy with publicity and celebrity?

**Either: You can add me as a fave author on here and wait until tomorrow when I post it, or you can head over to Twilighted and help push my review count up? :P Lol, it's completely up to yourselves and I hope y'all can take a few mins to check it out! :P**

**See you soon!**

**xx**


	31. Spoken In Silence

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Thank you for your patience! It's only a week late after all :P**

**This chapter took a lot out of me so I hope y'all enjoy it!**

**SM owns all things Twilight, but all characterisations and plot-lines of this story are copyrighted of LiveInDakota 2010. Don't do it folks...**

**See ya at the bottom! Ooooooh I'm so excited...go...read!**

* * *

**Chapter 31: Spoken In Silence**

I wander through fiction to look for the truth  
Buried beneath all the lies  
and I stood at a distance  
To feel who you are  
Hiding myself in your eyes

And...

Hold on, before it's too late  
We'll run till we leave this behind  
Don't fall, just be who you are  
It's all that we need in our lives

And the risk that might break you  
Is the one that would save  
A life you don't live is still lost  
So stand on the edge with me  
Hold back your fear and see  
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

And hold on, before it's too late  
We'll run till we leave this behind  
Don't fall, just be who you are  
It's all that we need in our lives

So live like you mean it  
& Love 'til you feel it  
It's all that we need in our lives,  
So stand on the edge with me  
Hold back your fear and see  
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

Hold on before it's too late  
We'll run till we leave this behind  
Don't fall just be who you are  
It's all that we need in our lives

Hold on before it's too late  
We'll run till we leave this behind  
Don't fall just be who you are  
It's all that we need in our lives

It's all that we need in our lives  
It's all that I need in my life

_Goo Goo Dolls - Before It's Too Late_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

I awoke, drenched in sweat and my throat raw. I screwed my eyes shut, willing the chilling images from my head, but Edward's blood soaked body was still imprinted on the back of my eyelids.

With a ragged breath, I opened my eyes, terrified of the darkness that was surrounding me. I was shaking uncontrollably, hunched in the middle of my bed, the hairs on my arms standing at attention. It took me a few moments to realize that there was light slipping into my room through a crack in my door.

The door had been shut; to help drown out Edward's pain filled cries earlier in the day. But now, with the skies dark outside, the light from the hall was seeping through into my room. It wasn't until I looked around that I noticed I wasn't alone. Sitting, rocking much like I was, in the chair in the corner of my room, was Edward.

He had his head in his hands, his elbows rested on his knees, and his hands clenching the hair at his temples. Even in the darkness, his clothing confused me. He had a white t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts on.

Where had they come from? They certainly weren't my dad's, and they fit him perfectly.

"Edward?" His head snapped up at the sound of my small, broken voice. In the combined light from the hall, and from the moonlight shining through my window, I noticed his eyes roam over me slowly. Not in a way that was sexual, or even slightly flattering; he seemed to be checking I was physically okay.

"You were screaming. I had to stop it. But when I touched you it got worse...I couldn't leave you, you sounded so scared. You were scared of _me_..." His head hit his hands again, his entire demeanor telling me he was as broken as he had been earlier in the day.

Even in my own messed up state, I had to fix it. I had to help him. I couldn't ignore him like I had that afternoon. I felt physically sick at even the thought of it. No matter the pain I was in, what kind of person let another one suffer when they knew they could help? Not Edward. He had heard me suffering, and unlike me, he had come to help me. The only difference was, he didn't think he _could_ help me.

He couldn't have been more wrong.

"I wasn't scared of you. I could never be scared of you, Edward. I thought you were dying...you were bleeding so badly, and even though you couldn't feel any pain, I couldn't stand to watch you hurt...I can't see you in _any_ kind of pain. And you _are_ in pain. I can see it in your eyes."

"But, earlier...you said...I thought you meant...Are we over?" My breath caught in my throat at his words. How stupid could I have been? I knew my words had been said in hurt, but I didn't imagine for a second that Edward would think I was giving up.

I stood from my bed, nearly tripping myself when my feet got caught in my comforter, and basically ran at him. His arms opened almost immediately and I fell onto his lap, my arms around his neck and my face buried in his shoulder.

"I _love_ you, Edward. Why do you never hear that part?" Exasperation colored my tone as I squeezed myself closer to him.

"Love has never been enough before, Bella. I can't change who I am."

Tears pricked at my eyes at his confession. It was basically the same argument he had plied me with in New York. That he wasn't good enough for me, that he was broken and that I deserved someone whole. That _he_ didn't deserve to be loved.

"Look at me." I pulled back, my hand cradling his face as I angled it down to me. I waited for his eyes to follow suit and spoke again when his gaze was locked on mine. "As long as _you_ believe it, love will _always_ be enough. I will never stop loving you, Edward." His eyelids fluttered shut, the breath leaving him in one puff. In the dim light, one tear drop caught the light, reflecting its perfect surface back at me as it tracked its way down his cheek.

I pressed my lips to his cold skin, effectively kissing away his tears. His breathing stopped at the contact, and I was so close that I felt his eyes flicker open and closed again. The tightening of his arms around me pulled me from my position, and I rested my chin on his shoulder. It didn't escape my notice that he hadn't answered me, and while I briefly worried he had reverted back to not talking, I was too focused on having him hold me, quelling any irrational fear I had left over from my dream.

"You should get some sleep." His tone, above anything else, proved to me that he was pulling away again.

No matter how tightly I clung on, his body had tensed and he was shutting down again. In a desperate attempt to prolong the inevitable, the words were out my mouth before I thought of the possible rejection that could follow them.

"Stay? Hold me? I need to know you're okay." I sounded like I was a little girl, asking for something that I wasn't sure I was allowed. Something I knew could change everything. It sounded like I was preparing myself for a goodbye, and it broke my heart. He nodded his head softly, his eyes focusing on anything but me.

I stood gently, making sure not to let go of the boy before me. I weaved my fingers through his and tugged him up out of the chair. With my hand still firmly ensconced in his, I padded back across to my bed and crawled over it.

He stopped abruptly at the edge of the bed, as if his next move would change everything. It wasn't as if he hadn't been in my bed before, hell we had done more than just sleep the last time he had been there, and yet he was still unsure if he should have said yes.

With another soft tug on his hand he finally looked up at me. The sadness and pain etched into his eyes hit me like a freight train, nearly bowling me over and winding me completely. I knew I had put some of that uncertainty and unnecessary pain there. He thought I had broken up with him, left him when he needed it most.

While I wanted to be angry at him for even thinking that, him having been the one to push me away first, I was too tired and drained to act on it. The rejection from me was still fresh in his eyes, but there was an internal war storming there, too. He knew he had pushed me away and only he knew the reasons why. He was struggling to choose between granting my wish and keeping me at arms-length.

I crawled back across to him, noting with relief that he didn't completely clam up as I got nearer. I lifted my right arm to his face and cradled his cheek, my fingers running soft lines under his tired eyes.

"You need sleep, too." I didn't have to say anything more. He realized himself that I was the only one who could take away his nightmares. If he held me, stayed the night with me, we'd both be okay. We could be a team in unconsciousness, putting up a united front against all the demons we were both fighting.

With a soft sigh of resignation, he climbed onto the bed beside me. I shuffled over to give him room, slipping back under the duvet and sinking into the mattress. I held the covers up, waiting for him to settle in beside me.

His head hit the pillow with a soft thud, the movement sending a soft waft of his scent in my direction. Letting the edge of the duvet go, I wasted no time in turning onto my side and curling my body into his heat, as close as I could get.

There was no response from him. His left arm stayed tucked under his head and his body remained tense underneath me. I couldn't understand why he was so suddenly afraid to let me near him. What difference could it possibly make after everything we'd been through?

Tears leaked out of the corners of my eyes, silently tracking over my skin and splashing unbidden onto Edward's t-shirt. I bit my lip, my vision blurring as I willed myself to stay quiet. The last thing he needed was me crying over his distance. Or maybe that's what we did need? Maybe he needed to see how much his actions were hurting me.

"Please?" I didn't know what I was begging for, but the second my broken voice penetrated the oppressive silence around us, his right arm wound around me and pulled me closer to him.

I rested my arm over his chest, clutching my fingers into the excess material at his side, unwilling to let him go. With my head on his chest, my leg nestled between both of his, and his arm anchoring me to him, I felt safer and calmer than I had in days.

It had been two weeks since he had last kissed me. Just over a week since he had hugged me, and two days went by where I didn't see him, speak to him or touch him at all. I was craving him more than I ever had, more than I had when he was missing, because I knew he was so close this time. He was only across town and still I couldn't have him wrapped around me every night like I wanted.

"I love you, Edward. Please, let me help." His left arm twitched before I felt his fingers entwine in the ones that had been previously gripping his t-shirt.

"Sleep, my love." Yet another piece of my heart crumbled off. How was it there were still fragments left? He didn't want my help. If I had thought before that I was preparing myself for goodbye, my inner voice was now screaming at me to take caution.

Our dynamic had shifted, so much so, that he no longer wanted me by his side. Whether it be because he was back to thinking I didn't deserve him, or that he didn't deserve my love, or he simply couldn't do "us" anymore. When the morning came, things were going to look and feel drastically different.

The only reason he was holding me tight, his heartbeat lulling me into a false sense of security, was because I had asked him to.

"_I can't deny you anything, love."_

He had given up. I no longer wanted to sleep. When I was younger I used to think that special days – like Christmas, or birthdays – wouldn't end if I didn't go to sleep. Wishing it were true, I told myself that it was a special day. I could feel the tension between us, I had felt the distance all day, but instead of fighting for it, I too, had given up.

"I don't want you to leave again," I mumbled into his chest, the darkness and solitude taking me away from him. Morning would come too quickly, I knew.

**~FMN~**

Even at a young age, I knew that it was the little gestures in life that mattered the most. I had only lived sixteen years on our earth, but this I knew.

The way my mom always kissed my father on the cheek as she handed over his coffee in the morning. The way they snuck looks at each other from across a room. When I dropped my sandwich in the sandpit and Jasper gave me half of his, despite having never spoken to me. The way he made sure to smile at me every day when he saw me from his front yard, his gapped smile making my day seem that much more magical.

When Edward rescued me in a museum full of people because he noticed how uncomfortable I was. How he changed my entire world by simply taking notice of the girl in the corner. Or the way he kissed my head lightly every single time he was leaving me. Even if it was just to go to the toilet in a restaurant.

It was the little things that defined us as people. The small truths we told, the way we handled ourselves discretely in certain situations. Actions that spoke volumes over words. Things that could hurt us more deeply than any physical altercation. Something that could ultimately make, or break, your day before you even opened your eyes in the morning.

I was alone, the bed beside me empty and cold. The duvet was twisted around my feet at the bottom of the bed, and I was shivering from top-to-toe. The digits on my alarm clock told me it was much later than I would have liked it to be. I shot out of bed, narrowly missing knocking my hip off my desk. I couldn't miss another day of school, no matter how empty, heartbroken, or destroyed my world was.

With careful concentration, I could just make out the sounds of someone pottering around in the kitchen. I heaved myself out of my bed, stopping off by the window to see that Charlie was still at home.

Edward's Volvo had been moved to the sidewalk beside our driveway, indicating that he had been out of the house. Yet, he had come back. Memories of our early morning temporary reconciliation came back to me, and I recalled his change of clothes. Had he gone home to get himself clothes? Had someone brought clothes to him? The only way I would get answers to my questions would be from Edward, but he wasn't speaking to me.

I grabbed my towel and dashed to the bathroom, the cold air of the hall causing my skin to erupt in goosebumps. I showered quickly, changed into clothes that screamed "I'm not in the mood," and headed downstairs, my pace slowing as I neared the bottom.

What I would say to him? How would he act towards me? Were we together? Broken-up?

I had never doubted my relationship with Edward so much before, and it wasn't a feeling I wanted to experience again.

He was sitting quietly at the kitchen table when I entered the room. He looked up when I crossed through the doorway, but no words left his lips. He had that same, vacant look in his eyes again. Why was he shutting down? He was intelligent, why didn't he see that other people could help him?

"Morning, Edward."

I made a split decision as I retrieved a bowl from the cupboard – that I wasn't going to ignore him as I had the day before. Maybe if I kept talking to him, I would eventually annoy him into talking back. Even if he snapped at me, it would be better than how he was acting at the moment.

As I watched him from the other side of the kitchen table, I wasn't entirely sure he was ready to face the circus that was Forks High. Maybe one day off from it all wasn't enough. His whole world had been turned upside down, I was pretty sure that sitting through his classes was the last thing he wanted to do. But then again, maybe the distraction was what he needed.

I was fairly sure in what I was doing until it was time to leave. We were both going to school, and both of our cars were outside my house. Would we ride together? If so, whose car would we take? Would he want to ride with me?

I watched quietly as he picked up his own keys off the table inside the door and headed outside. I felt awkward, loitering on my own front porch, waiting to see what he would do.

He sidled into his car with precision and started up the quiet engine, but he made no move to leave. He was watching me, watching him. I probably looked crazy standing watching his every move, but it had given me the answer I needed. He was waiting for me to get in.

I threw my keys back on the table and shut the door tightly behind me. The cold morning air bit at my exposed skin, causing me to wrap my jacket around me tighter before I ducked into his car. I soaked up the warm air, but no matter how many times I was inside his car, I doubted I would ever get used to the way it smelled. I had never experienced his scent in such a concentrated dose before, and I genuinely wondered if I could bottle it.

If it could bring me comfort in my darkest days, then surely it could be used for good?

I was rambling, simply because I was nervous. This, in turn, made me sad. The last time I had been nervous in Edward's company, was the first day we met. He invited me for lunch as we stood on the sidewalk outside the museum, stating that he was starving and he didn't want to go alone.

I, of course, had jumped at the chance. This gorgeous boy was asking me if I wanted to have lunch with him; the same boy who had just saved me from a potentially dangerous situation. How could I have refused?

As we had sat down in a quaint little café, my nerves had kicked in. It felt like a date, but the rational side of my brain was screaming that it wasn't. I had only known him half an hour, and I knew nothing about him. He was polite and funny, and I had absolutely no clue how to act.

It had taken the most of our lunch before I felt comfortable talking to him and eating in front of him. After that, everything with Edward had come as second nature.

For the second time in one morning, however, I was nervous in his company. As I rung my hands together in my lap, it occurred to me that normally, he would have reached over and taken my hand in his, rubbing soothing circles into my skin to calm me down.

Instead, he gripped the wheel tightly, and stared straight ahead, ignoring that I was even in the car with him. He made no move to turn on the radio, so I did it myself, finding relief in the notes that flowed around us. Silences between us had never been awkward either. Today was turning into a day of firsts for us. All of them negative.

He pulled into the exact same spot as he always did, and I leaped out of the car, needing both the fresh air and the freedom that the larger space provided.

I watched in horror as he leaned back against the driver's door, pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Had my little rant the day before meant nothing to him? I could feel tears stinging at my eyes once again, but I ignored them as I walked around the front of the car.

It didn't escape my notice that some of the girls in the year below us were ogling him. Sure, he looked hot normally, but I couldn't deny that the sight of him smoking was another thing entirely. I threw them all a dangerous look, noting as their eyes widened and they turned their backs.

I stopped beside Edward, but he didn't even look in my direction. I took one more step, turning so that he had no choice but to look at me. In the cold air, the first of my tears spilled over and tracked down my cheeks. In silence, I pulled the cigarette from his lips, threw it to the ground and stubbed it out beneath my Converse.

I looked him square in the eye, noting that his expression faltered at the sight of my tears, before turning and leaving him there. I might have said I would fight, talk him into submission from his self-imposed silence, but his seemingly simple action had hurt me too much.

He didn't call my name or catch up with me as I made my way across the parking lot. Everyone was going about their usual business, paying no mind to the way my heart was breaking. Nobody else cared that my chest felt tight, and I was sure I was close to another panic attack. They were all blissfully unaware that such lies and such hurt could exist as they laughed and joked with their friends.

The only person who cared, was Jasper. He appeared in the crowd, and with one look at me, gathered me into his arms. I wrapped my own arms around his torso, underneath his jacket and rested my head on his chest. My breathing was becoming erratic as he held me, my tears soaking his jumper.

I didn't pay any attention as he lowered me to the ground, crouching in front of me as I sat on the cold concrete. He was asking me to look him in the eyes, to breathe with him, as his hands skimmed up and down my arms.

I battled the rushing in my ears and the dizziness that had come over me. His voice gradually got louder, and I became aware of the looks I was garnering from those around us.

"Forget them, Bella. Concentrate on me." His words would have been so much easier to listen to if my eyes hadn't landed on Edward as I turned back to face him.

He was standing behind Jasper's right shoulder, a good ten feet between them. He hadn't replaced the cigarette I had so rudely stolen from him; his hands shoved in his jeans pockets instead. He was watching me carefully, his eyes softer than they had been in days, and the comfort I found in them – even from a distance – gave me what I needed to regulate my breathing.

The bell rang as I finally felt stronger. Hundreds of students made their way past, half of them sending a long look my way to see what was going on. Most of them probably just thought I'd fallen over, _again._

I stood, with the assistance of Jasper, and steadied myself on my feet before starting in the direction of the school building. When Jasper turned around, he noticed Edward hovering and told me he'd catch up. I was worried they would fight, so I hung back on the stairs, just in case.

I was both baffled and relieved to see that Jasper didn't say anything. It looked like Edward was the first one to initiate anything, by holding out his hand. Jasper looked at it, and then looked at me, before shaking it firmly in his grasp.

It looked like progress between them, but Edward and I took another giant leap back when he spoke to my best friend. He hadn't uttered a word in days, not even to my father, and the first person he spoke to was Jasper. I hiccupped a sob as my heart squeezed awkwardly. How could he do that to me?

His eyes found mine as they turned in my direction and I made sure he was paying attention. I narrowed my eyes, seeing through slits as he neared me. They both stopped two stairs down from me, probably wondering why I was just standing there.

My heartache morphed into anger and I raised my hand for what felt like the hundredth time. This time I wasn't hugging him, or wiping away a tear, or tracing a line under his eye. My hand flew across his face with ringing clarity, with enough force to turn his head. Jasper's hand reached out to stop me from doing it again.

"Bells, stop!" I struggled in his hold, glaring at Edward as he straightened himself out. I gave up, knowing I was using up my strength and getting nowhere.

Edward held up his hand to Jasper, and he let me go almost immediately. Without the safety of his arms around me, I wavered on the spot. My anger had drained away as quickly as it had come, and I was left looking exhausted and defeated in front of him.

He defied every thought that flew through my head at that point when he leaned down and pressed his lips to my head softly. The air left me in an audible whoosh as his hand then tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

I closed my eyes, drinking in his close proximity, scent, and the feel of his lips on my hair. All too soon, his heat and presence were gone, and by the time I opened my eyes, I was left staring into empty space.

I was disorientated to say the least as Jasper pulled me to him and tucked me under his arm. Knowing we were both late, he walked me to class, kissing my temple softly before heading to his own class.

I had to apologize to my teacher for being late, promising it wouldn't happen again. Once again, I was pardoned, my ridiculous work ethic over the previous months proving handy when my mind was otherwise occupied.

I slumped into my chair, not knowing what to think about first, or even, how to feel.

Why had he kissed me? Why had he spoken to Jasper after giving me the silent treatment? Why did he act like he didn't care when I knew he did?

I gulped in a deep breath when I felt my emotions getting the better of me again. I was not going to break down in class.

I took notes when I needed to, made it look like I was paying attention, and waited for the bell before starting to pack up. Like I always had. I made my way to English in a daze, and it wasn't until I arrived there, that I remembered Edward was the one I sat beside.

I arrived first, laying out my pad and pen, and waited anxiously for him to arrive. I watched him as he entered the class, head down, and made his way to his seat. He looked both haggard and tired. His skin was getting more sallow and his eyes more pronounced by the dark circles underneath them.

What I hadn't noticed before, however, was the way his clothes hung on his frame. He had lost weight. They no longer clung to him snugly, showing off the rock hard body we all knew he had and I had been the only one lucky enough to see.

I shouldn't have been surprised when he didn't acknowledge me, or look at me as he sat down. He pulled out the materials he needed and started drawing nameless faces on a blank page in his notebook. His actions earlier were obviously going to go unexplained and ignored.

It became more and more apparent over the course of the day that things hadn't changed.

He was my lab partner in Biology, but we worked separately. He sat beside me in History, but he sat so low in his seat that it appeared he wanted to disappear into the floor.

At lunch I was surprised to see Jasper sitting with Emmett, but when I walked over to join them, I noticed Edward sitting at a table on his own. I smiled faintly at my best friend before changing my course and heading towards the boy I loved.

He looked up at me as I sat down opposite him, but his silence remained. I handed him my apple, like I always did, worried when I saw no food in front of him. Biting into it, he stared into space, and I ate my lunch quietly. I could do nothing more than I already was.

He waited for me as I dumped the remains on my tray into the bin, and walked out of the cafeteria by my side, but he veered off towards his art class as I made my way in the opposite direction to Spanish.

The class passed in a jumbled blur. I was asked more than once to translate something, and out of all the questions I was asked, I think I only answered one correctly.

I sat on the bleachers, as I had for the past three weeks, watching the two classes do two completely different activities. The girls were out playing volleyball, three on a team, while the boys were showing off their skills with a basketball.

I was supposed to be copying out a note-sheet from the teacher, but my eyes were trained on Edward the entire time. He barely interacted with the other guys around him, and only made one conscious effort to play when Jasper threw him the ball. Of course, he made a play at the basket, and of course, it went in. I had yet to find something Edward wasn't good at.

I waited outside the locker room for Edward to appear, but when one too many guys made a jeering comment at me, I decided to wait by the car. Only, Edward never appeared. Instead, Jasper made his way across to me, an apologetic look on his face.

"Let me take you home, yeah? I don't want you waiting in the cold."

I shook my head. "No, Edward's expecting me to wait for him."

"Bells, he's in seeing the principal. He'll probably be a while."

I felt stupid, Jasper knowing more about his plans than me.

I was embarrassed that he had witnessed all that had happened between Edward and I, and I was irrationally angry that he was the one Edward had spoken to. In a childish huff, I crossed over to his black Lexus and slammed the door behind me.

We made our way home in silence, me only surfacing from my mood to thank him for the lift.

I cooked dinner, as usual, but Edward didn't show. Charlie told me not to worry about him and that he'd come back when he was ready, stating that he probably just needed some space and time to think by himself.

I couldn't help but petulantly think that he'd had all that for the past two days. But none of that stopped me from waiting up. His car purred into the driveway at nearly eleven, the lights flashing in the living room window.

I stood up, resting my hips back against the back of the sofa, and waited for him to get in. He unlocked the door quietly, probably knowing that Charlie would already be in bed. I watched him, unknown to him, as he locked the door behind him and shrugged out of his coat. It wasn't until he threw his keys on the table and turned around, that he stopped in his tracks, surprised that he had company.

My eyes subconsciously scanned him from head-to-toe, looking for any injuries or evidence that he had been in a fight, or that something had harmed him. Satisfied that he was in one piece – physically, at least – I raised myself to my full height and walked over to him.

He watched me warily, but stayed stock still. I cupped his jaw with my palm, the same side I had slapped, and traced my fingers over the bruise that was beginning to appear. It was the second time I had caused bodily harm to him, and I felt ten times worse than I did the first time.

I stood on my tip-toes and pressed my lips gently to the side of his jaw, making sure not to cause him any discomfort.

"Goodnight, Edward." He didn't make any indication that he had heard me, but I turned and made my way up the stairs anyway.

I could hear him readying himself for bed as I did the same. When I was finished in the bathroom, he went in for a shower, expertly avoiding me in the hall. I climbed into bed, once again emotionally drained, and prayed that I would have no nightmares like I had the night before.

I did.

Edward didn't come to me that night.

**~FMN~**

It was Friday morning. Second period English to be exact.

The week had gone by much like Tuesday had, with Edward ignoring everything around him–including me–and throwing himself into his school work.

He would drive me to school, and drive me home, but once we were inside the house, he would change. The tiny spark that was visible during the day would fizzle out, and he would sit in the corner of the living room with his notebook. He spent hours either lightly sketching or furiously scribbling, and despite the efforts of both Charlie and I, he wouldn't move.

He ate dinner, he watched the news with my father, but not once would he look at me, or speak to either of us. His actions on Tuesday morning had not been repeated, or explained, and I felt myself slipping further into confusion and loneliness.

Carlisle phoned every night for an update, but Edward made no indication that he even cared his father was on the phone. He was always given the option to talk to him, but he would only blankly stare at the phone before turning back to his previous actions.

Everyone in school knew there was something wrong with him. Over the past few days, our tables had merged, so that Jasper, Angela and Ben were at the same table with Alice and Emmett. Jasper and Emmett got along like long lost brothers; interested in the same things, telling the same jokes and annoying Alice at every opportunity.

No one mentioned Edward or me, but they could tell there was something wrong, and that it was bothering me too.

Lauren and Jessica took all of two classes on Tuesday to let the school know we had broken up. I guess I couldn't blame them. Where once we had been inseparable, we had spent three weeks barely touching or talking. To them, that was exactly what it looked like.

I noticed Lauren was careful not to say anything too concrete. If she was ever in ear shot, she would shrug her shoulders and tell everyone she didn't know anything. I thought it strange that she wasn't jumping at the chance to stick a knife into my heart and make things worse, but she never seemed to be the one at the start of the rumor trail.

I was beginning to give up hope that Edward would ever come back to me. We were sitting in English, me watching the rest of the class settle in for the hour, and him scribbling heavily on the last page of his notebook,

We were studying poetry, Edgar Allen Poe, to be exact. Mr. Berty wrote the name of our new poem on the board before handing out thin books to everyone in the class. In silence, I turned our book to the given page, and settled it in the middle of the desk between us. Edward didn't even look up from what he was doing.

I looked at the page in front of him, noting that his pen wasn't scratching like it had been, but rather flowing lightly over the paper. There were no words, only shapes, merging into one another, some darker and shaded more than others.

I sighed gently. Was that what his head was like? Unintelligible thoughts, all swirling amongst each other? No sense to be found in anything he once knew? I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him and tell him it would all be okay, but I knew he would only shrug me off, gently so as not to hurt my feelings. It broke me every time.

"Mr. Cullen! Would you be so kind as to read aloud for the class? Missing out stanza three please, we'll deal with that on its own."

Edward's head flew up from the mindless doodling he had been concentrating on, and I watched as his eyes narrowed at our unsuspecting teacher.

I placed my hand on his arm, above the desk, for all to see. His eyes flicked to mine briefly before he cleared his throat and began to read, his honey voice floating across the silence in the class.

_"It was many and many a year ago,_

_In a kingdom by the sea,_

_That a maiden there lived whom you may know,_

_By the name of Annabel Lee;_

_And this maiden she lived with no other thought,_

_Than to love and be loved by me."_

I didn't imagine it–that while he read perfectly–every female in our class turned in their seats to set their eyes on the boy beside me while he read about love in its purest form. As if reading my thoughts–and not faltering from his speech–his arm slipped out of my grasp and his hand found mine instead. He intertwined our fingers on the desk as he carried on, and I swear I saw Jessica smile a little at his gesture. I blushed and looked down, concentrating on the passage when I caught Mr. Berty's eye from the front of the class. He had caught Edward's action, too.

_"I was a child and she was a child,_

_In this kingdom by the sea;_

_But we loved with love that was more than love -_

_I and my Annabel Lee;_

_With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven_

_Coveted her and me._

_And this was the reason that, long ago,_

_In this kingdom by the sea,_

_A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling_

_My beautiful Annabel Lee;_

_So that her highborn kinsman came_

_And bore her away from me,_

_To shut her up in a sepulcher_

_In this kingdom by the sea."_

Edward's grip on my hand became painful as he spoke, his thoughts no doubt wandering to the fear he held onto of me leaving him. He still hadn't understood the fact that I honestly didn't think I ever could.

I turned in my seat, angling my legs in his direction and touching his thigh with my knees, bringing his attention to the fact that I was there with him. Instead of watching the words in front of me, I watched the boy who was, without a doubt, speaking to me before our entire English class.

_"But our love, it was stronger by far than the love_

_Of those who were older than we,_

_Of many far wiser than we_

_And neither the angels in heaven above,_

_Nor the demons down under the sea,_

_Can ever dissever my soul from the soul_

_Of the beautiful Annabel Lee._

_For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams_

_Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;_

_And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes_

_Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;_

_And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side,_

_Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,_

_In the sepulcher there by the sea,_

_In her tomb by the sounding sea."_

Edward's shuddering breath could be heard throughout the class, the silence of our classmates almost deafening. I chanced a glance around the room, noting with pride that every member of the fairer sex was dreamily looking into space, while the guys scowled in Edward's direction.

"Spoken like a true man in love. But I think we'll stop you there, Mr. Cullen, just in case." Mr. Berty chuckled quietly at his attempt at a joke.

While most of the class turned back in their seats to face him as he began to write on the board, my eyes stayed fixed on the boy beside me, mentally willing him to turn around. I couldn't remember the last time he had looked me in the eye.

His head turned slowly, as if he was nervous at what he would find in my gaze. While I was sure there was nothing but pure want and love conveyed in them, I squeezed his fingers and held my breath.

He searched my face for what felt like minutes, his own breathing halted until he found whatever it was he was looking for. With a puff of air, that washed his warm breath across my face, he seemed to deflate before me, becoming even smaller in his seat.

Mr. Berty's voice was still present in the background, but everything dimmed to a low drone when I watched Edward's mouth form the words "I love you" across to me. My heart skipped, thudded, slowed and stopped, causing my breath to catch painfully in my windpipe. He was coming back to me.

His hand–shaking–reached over to me, and his fingers trailed under my left eye, brushing away tears I hadn't known were falling. Concern marred his perfect features before he voiced it.

"Why are you crying?" he whispered, noting his surroundings.

"I'm glad you're back." I sniffed quietly, and smiled a watery smile at him.

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too."

He smiled crookedly before re-entwining his fingers with mine on the top of the desk and turning to face the teacher. Mr. Berty looked at me with a raised eyebrow, but decided not to comment in front of the class, and I smiled sheepishly in thanks and apology.

I should have been concentrating, but I couldn't. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt Edward's hand in mine, and I was clinging on for dear life. I had my boy back and I'd be damned if I let anything come between us again.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

***Peeks out from behind pillow***

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**Xx**


	32. Pull Me Through

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**IT'S EPOV TIME!**

**Thank you to every single one of you who reviewed the last chapter! You COMPLETELY blew me away!**

**I hope you enjoy this...I loved writing it :)**

**Talk to you at the bottom :P**

**SM owns all things Twilight, but all FMN characterisations and plotlines have been copyrighted. Plagiarism will be reported and punished. So just don't do it!**

* * *

**Chapter 32: Waking Up**

Drawing circles on the window  
Then I'm staring at the floor  
There are places that we could go  
'Cause we've been here before

And I'm losing myself  
And I'm feeling a little...  
Confused, I need help  
I'm outta here so,

Get out the car honey,  
What you said was outta place  
Well I guess I'm walking home  
With that sad look upon my face

Straight from the heart no worries,  
I got a lot of love to make  
Can you feel it a little...?  
Don't let it go to waste

Don't let it go to waste.

We're like a long distance conversation  
With a two second delay  
Talk a lot but we don't listen  
And we got so much to say

And I'm losing myself  
And I'm feeling a little...  
Confused, I need help  
I'm outta here so

Get out the car honey,  
'Cause what you said was outta place  
Well I guess I'm walking home  
With that sad look upon my face

Straight from the heart no worries,  
Got a lot of love to make  
Can you feel it a little...?  
Don't let it go to waste

Don't let us go to waste...

And I don't want to miss you  
Even though we got issues  
Yeah I know we can get through  
Live for it all, 'cause after the fall comes the high

Get out the car honey,  
'Cause what you said was outta place  
Well I guess I'm walking home  
With this sad look upon my face

Straight from the heart no worries,  
I got a lot of love to make  
Can you feel it a little...?  
Don't let it go to waste,  
Don't let it go to waste,

Don't let us go to waste

Don't let us go to waste

Don't let it go to waste...

If you feel it a little  
Don't let us go to waste

_Don't Let It Go To Waste - Matt Willis_

* * *

Edward's POV: Now

Was it possible to be consciously aware you were sleepwalking?

I had stumbled my way through the past few days, only finding strength in the fleeting moments I stole from Bella. The moments before I remembered that I shouldn't be taking anything from her. Like holding her while we slept, selfishly keeping my own nightmares away. Or kissing her in the school parking lot.

I knew I was awake, and yet, it felt like I was dreaming. The faces merged into the same nameless people, my surroundings all blurred into brown and green, and Bella, Bella stood before me like an angel.

She wanted to help, she told me she loved me, but something changed inside me.

I knew she had always been too good for me, too trusting, too forgiving, but I had taken her heart and her love when she offered them. Now…now I knew just how empty, broken and worthless I was. Compared to her.

She deserved something better, _someone_ better. Someone who could give her the things she needed, the comfort and security she should get without asking. Someone who could say the words she needed to hear, and I was no longer that person.

It wasn't some act of selfless gallantry, I wasn't trying to save her from me. I was letting her go because I wasn't the same person. The person she had fallen in love with was whole, apart from a few missing months, but now, everything had changed. I doubted her, and me, because if I had changed, then maybe I wasn't capable of loving her anymore.

Just thinking about it now seemed absurd. I had once believed that nothing could make me change how I felt about her. I didn't care that we were young, and that we both had broken pasts. Because together, it felt as if we were both complete. Obviously, I never knew what Bella was thinking, but the way she gripped my hand, or hugged me tightly; the way she kissed me, or the faith that she put in me, all told me she felt the same way.

I knew after what had happened to her, that trusting someone, letting someone into her heart, wasn't going to be easy. The fact that she had, and that it was me, gave me the hope that nothing could break us apart.

Then, my world turned on its axis – in the worst possible way. My family wasn't really my family. The siblings I had always adored weren't bonded to me as strongly as I thought. Everything I had grown up with was only half.

Carlisle wasn't my biological father. Emmett and Alice weren't my biological brother and sister. And my mother…my mother had always treated me differently. I had tried to ignore it, play it down to different things, but now it was clear to me.

All the times I thought she was being harsher on me than the others; the times I thought she could have cared more, seemed more enthusiastic about what I was doing. I _hadn't_ imagined them. They _were_ real. Was I some sort of reminder of what she had gone through? A bringer of bad memories? Did she regret taking me back? Did she regret keeping me at all?

The anger I felt towards my mother intensified with every minute I spent thinking about her and her betrayal. In those moments I felt both weak and strong at the same time. I felt like her betrayal somehow changed me as a person. I didn't have the same history as my siblings. I didn't share the same blood. I knew nothing about my father and in turn, felt like I knew nothing about myself.

But the anger that was filling me physically made me feel strong. The adrenaline that pumped through me at the sheer scale of how fucked up my life had become, transported me back to those months after the accident.

The days when I wanted nothing more than to smash up my hospital room or pin my doctor up against the wall by the neck. When I locked myself in my room to keep from lashing out at my brother. Or when I took to running, pounding the sidewalk, trying desperately to rid myself of the rage that filled me.

I hadn't understood it at the time. I didn't get why I was so angry. People temporarily lost their memory all the time, why did I feel like the whole world was against me? But this time, when I knew the reason behind my memory loss, what my brain had tried to protect me from, it filled me up once again.

I hadn't been to my anger management therapist in weeks. The last time we had met was the night Bella had been in the hospital. At the time I had been too ashamed to tell her what I was really doing, not wanting her to be disappointed in me.

Or worse, afraid of me.

Looking back, it would have been a fuck-lot better if I had told her. We could have avoided the whole Lauren situation. Sure, the rumor may still have made its way around Forks High, but when it had got back to Bella, she wouldn't have believed it. She would have set Jasper straight, telling him she knew exactly where I had been. I would have had a week more with her. Six more days of just getting to feel her in my arms.

My chest ached at that thought. I hadn't held my girl in my arms – apart from the night in her room - for nearly a month. It was my own fault, I knew that. I had pulled away from her for two weeks, putting unnecessary strain and distance between us.

At the time, I hadn't been able to wrap my head around the fact that I had physically hurt her. There were bruises, the shape of my hands, on her perfect body. The images had haunted me for days. I hadn't ever told her why I was as distant as I was.

Every time I reached for her hand, or raised my hand to her cheek, I was assaulted with other images.

I had never, in my life, hit or harmed a girl. But the bruises that I had inflicted on the girl I loved, reminded me of the mindless way I had harmed and fought with others after my accident. Emmett and I went to many a house party, and it became apparent pretty quickly, that after a few drinks, I was too violent to handle.

I picked fights with other guys for no apparent reason, and Emmett would have to cart me out. But one night, I went alone, and had no Emmett to save me from my temper.

I had been standing in the kitchen of a house I didn't even know, drinking my fifth beer of the night. Some guy had pushed a random chick against the wall beside the door, grinding on her like there was no tomorrow or some shit. She seemed to be enjoying it, until his hand was around her neck and she was begging him to stop.

I tried to ignore it, telling myself it was none of my business, but even in my drunken haze, I realized she needed some sort of help. He ignored me when I called him out on how rough he was being, and a red flag went up.

I pulled him away from her and the wall, sending my fist flying into his jaw. I noticed the girl slump in relief before turning her eyes on me. Her attention had me distracted for the minute it took for the guy to straighten himself back up. His rage equaled mine as he threw me back into the wall with a loud crash.

The rest was a blur. It took three guys from the football team to pull me off him, leaving him lying in a bloody heap on the kitchen floor. He didn't show up at school the next day, and it wasn't long before the councilor was pulling me into his office.

My parents were pulled from their jobs and we were all sat down at the same time. During the night, the guy, Alec, had seriously hemorrhaged. His mother had found him unconscious when he didn't get up for school.

He was in the hospital for nearly two weeks with blood transfusions and intense therapy. I was forbidden to see him, but I had to know what I had done, I had to see it for myself.

He had been awake when I visited, and things went more smoothly than I could have imagined. I apologized, which was far less than he deserved, and we talked through what had happened. I told him how I had been referred to an anger management group, and he told me he wasn't pressing charges, that we had both had too much to drink, and we had both been in the wrong.

Ever since that night, my parents had pushed me to stop drinking. In Chicago I was seeing my therapist every Tuesday night, and when we moved to Forks I found a new one in Dr. Kate Silvers in Port Angeles.

I had made so much progress–according to my parent –that it was decided I only go every fortnight, but that if I felt I didn't need to then I didn't have to. I didn't voice the doubts that I felt; that five months of therapy wasn't enough, that I was still dangerous; still capable of hurting those around me, with or without alcohol in my system.

The way I had treated Bella only strengthened that. I had seen Dr. Kate twice since then. It was yet another secret Bella and I had between us, and I was certain that we clear everything up when we finally talked.

Being at school with her every day, driving her every day, was proving difficult on my self-restraint. I couldn't handle being so close to her, but being so cold. I knew the way I was acting towards her was wrong, and that three weeks apart was enough to drive anyone away. I was surprised every morning when she met me in the kitchen and insisted on talking to me.

I had been so close to breaking down, crying my frustrations in front of her the night she stayed up for me. I had gone straight to Port Angeles, and had a two hour session with Dr. Kate, finding that she wasn't just there for my violent tendencies. It felt strange talking to a stranger, but talking it all out none-the-less, was an outlet I desperately needed. She didn't judge, or butt in, or pity me. She didn't even take notes, only listening intently.

I felt guilty for using my voice, especially after the hurt I had seen on Bella's face. I didn't blame her for lashing out; I could imagine she felt betrayed. After giving her the silent treatment, she watched me talk to Jasper before her.

I had only apologized for lashing out at him the morning before, but it was too much in her eyes. I should have realized it would hurt her. But alas, I was too wrapped up in my own problems. Even after that, after apologizing–silently–I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. I didn't want her to hear the pitiful, broken tone to my voice. The way it would no doubt shake when I told her how I felt.

So, I waited. I prolonged the silence, hoping that with each passing day I would get stronger, more capable of facing my fears, and be able to let her back in. Never did I think it would be Mr. Berty, of all people, to get me out of my solitude.

As with all the classes I had sat through, I wasn't paying the slightest attention, instead focusing on my notepad. I was on the last page, a sign that there was just too much in my head. I was aware that I had barely put it down, and while I hoped it was helping, I knew it wasn't.

I recognized the poem by the first two words, wondering what the chances could be. My favorite poem and words I _knew_ related to my feelings for Bella. I had once thought about writing it out and leaving it for her to find, but I had never done it, my own brooding being the only thing that got in the way. I could have done it for Valentines, but I had fucked that up, too.

I knew it off by heart, and once I had found my voice, I wanted nothing more than to look into her eyes and speak straight to her. I needed to apologize for pushing her out. I had to beg for her to give me yet another chance. But more than anything, I had to reassure her; that although I had doubted it myself, I _did_ love her and I always would.

The fact that she recognized what was happening, and that I was trying to say it for her, _to _her, made the wall around my heart crumble slightly. She had never lost faith in how I felt about her, and she was right there beside me, giving me the strength to recognize my feelings in a class of otherwise clueless teenagers.

I was certain that Lauren, Jessica, Mike, Tyler, and the rest had no idea what true love felt like. I pitied them, because while I had used it as a basis for brooding, it was the best possible feeling in the world. Knowing that someone loved you as much as you did them; that when you would consider giving up your own life for them, they were doing the same thing.

I tried to mask the welling of emotion inside me when I noticed Bella crying, battling for dominance over my own frayed emotions. The first time I told her I loved her since Valentine's night on the phone and I nearly tripped over them.

I wanted nothing more than to gather her under my arm, like that first time when Lauren had ambushed me beside my car, and kiss away her tears. But, there was a class around us and a teacher warily watching for any "funny business." Instead, I wrapped my fingers around hers and squeezed, knowing it was the first sign of life from me in days.

All was right when she squeezed back, equally as forceful. Why did I ever think I could do anything without her by my side? She was my perpetual source of strength, light and hope. She _was_ an angel.

With her hand firmly clasped in mine, the rest of the class faded away. It seemed surreal that I had imagined pushing her away; that I had thought my feelings could, or would, change. Ironically, she made me forget.

Forget that my family was all a lie, that the seventeen and a half years I had lived were all a lie; that I had been given up and passed over twice by the two people who were supposed to love me the most; that I had forgotten my entire summer. She was the only thing that existed, and mattered, in my life now, and I was damn sure I was going to prove it to her.

The only thing that remained was how I was going to go about this. I could hardly propose, no matter how idealistic that thought may be to me. It wasn't too much, I knew that now. Nothing I could feel could be too much when it came to Bella. But I knew I couldn't do that to her.

I knew what she was going through in regards to her own parents, even though she pretended it didn't bother her. We had both seen what had happened to my parents. No, marriage wasn't the best option.

_Only because of those reasons?_ I asked myself.

I wasn't disregarding it because of our age, or how long we had known each other, like I should have been. I loved her. What more was there?

I looked back at her, and found that she was staring at our clasped hands on the table between us. I squeezed them gently, bringing her attention back to my face. I opened my mouth to speak when the bell sounded suddenly. She giggled as I closed it again, and the sound had never sounded better.

"I'm so, so sorry," I said, whilst those around us packed up quickly.

Her face clouded over, and I prepared myself for the reaction I had been expecting, her anger, her hurt, but instead, she shook her head lightly and looked at me sadly.

"Please, don't leave me again."

I gulped down the guilt and anguish that had lodged itself in my throat.

How could I have not known she would have thought like that. After everything I knew about her past, and her broken heart. The countless times she had mumbled it before. Granted she was drunk the first time she said it, but it didn't cushion the impact of her words.

I gathered her into my arms as we both stood up, not caring that Mr. Berty wanted us out of his class. She was _my_ girl, _my_ responsibility, and I was the one causing her the most pain.

"Bella, look at me."

She pulled back slightly, looking up at me from beneath her lashes.

"I love you. And if I ever go more than two hours without telling you, you have permission to hit me...or something." I smiled–for the first time in days–as she giggled again.

"I'm being serious, Bella. Never, ever forget that I love you. Even if I turn into an emo-douche again, promise me you won't forget."

She bit her lip, trying to battle the ear-splitting grin on her face.

"Promise me."

She jumped at the force in my voice before nodding her head with wide eyes.

"I promise, Edward."

I grabbed her hand with a smile and towed her out of the class, noting that the teacher was on the brim of giving us a warning.

Hand-in-hand just wasn't close enough as we walked to Biology. I tucked her safely under my arm, keeping her as close to me as I dared in a public setting. I didn't miss the blatant looks we received as we made our way along the corridor, and I wondered why we were such a spectacle. Everyone already knew we were together by now, surely?

Nor did I miss the secret smile Alice sent me as we passed by. I had missed my sister over the past weeks – Emmett, too. I had spent so much time wrapped up in my own head, and my own misery, that I barely knew anything that was going on in their worlds. I winked at her as we passed and squeezed Bella to my side, making sure she was still secure.

I knew no harm could come to her walking from one class to another, but it didn't stop my protective side from kicking in. The mere thought of something happening to her, of her being seriously hurt, broke me from the inside out. What would I ever do if she was back in the hospital, my own da–_Carlisle_–operating on her, not unlike that of only five weeks prior.

My heart picked up. I honestly wouldn't know what to do if I couldn't help her, couldn't be there for her. It may have only been five weeks, but come on, I had already thought out marriage seriously. Nothing was bigger than that.

Friday seemed to be Mr. Banner's favorite day for slide shows and videos. Once we were all settled in, he flicked off the lights and began a well-rehearsed presentation on molecular cells. _How fun._

I tuned him out, knowing his particular angle off by heart already. When he had passed out sheets, I had subconsciously moved our clasped hands to under the table. Onto my leg to be exact. Bella's little hand was resting lightly between my knee cap and upper thigh, too close, yet far too far away from where I had imagined it the most.

It wasn't exactly uncharted territory for us. Bella had surprised me that one morning in the best possible way, but after all we had been through, and everything we had yet to discuss, it was completely out of the question.

Notice how I didn't even care that we were in a full class?

I moved our hands closer to my knee, my thumb brushing lightly over her bony knuckles. I didn't think she would have even noticed, as her note-taking hadn't ceased, but she put her pen down and leaned ever closer to me.

"Problem there, Edward?" I sucked in a breath, turning to look at her with wide eyes. She put her hand to her mouth and giggled silently, before turning back to the board.

I narrowed my eyes before answering. "Oh, you have no idea..." I was close enough that my breath blew through the tendrils of hair behind her ear. I was satisfied when she shivered in my grasp. She could try and deny it, but I knew I affected her. Whether it was to the same extent as she did me was another thing entirely. I could only hope.

With a smug smirk I watched her gulp and felt her grip on my hand intensify.

"You can't...not...I..." I hid my smile as she stuttered through her sentence.

"Problem, Bella?"

She huffed loudly, garnering the attention of both Lauren, and Mike, who raised their eyebrows in perfect unison.

I laughed lowly, feeling lighter and happier than I thought I could under the circumstances. So much had yet to be sorted, and so much had yet to be said, but with Bella by my side, anything was possible. She made me feel strong and alive, and no amount of counseling could amount to what she gave me.

She made me feel loved.

**~FMN~**

The day passed in a blur–again. But this time I wasn't mindlessly weaving through it. I didn't remember letting go of Bella, though, I knew I had.

I paid attention in art and Chemistry, but I wouldn't deny that I spent more time watching Bella on the bleachers than the ball in P.E. She would send me small smiles in return–enough to make me feel like the luckiest fucker in the world.

When our day was finally finished, the nerves kicked in–for both of us. We were heading home–home–back to Bella's–and we both knew that we couldn't ignore the massive pink elephant in the room. Bella deserved an explanation for the way I had treated her, and if I was reading her correctly in the car, then she was afraid of the answer she would get.

I held her hand securely in mine above the center console, rubbing my thumb across her knuckles like before. The contact seemed to be the only thing we needed to put us more at ease. There was silence–as there had been all week, but the promise of light at the end of our dark tunnel made it bearable.

When I pulled up in the driveway I noticed with both relief and disappointment that Charlie wasn't home. I wanted to put this conversation off, but I also knew that without it we couldn't move on._ I_ couldn't move on. I had to put my fears behind me and have faith that she wouldn't judge me for how I felt. Or be hurt by what I told her.

I closed the car door behind me, noting with a smile that Bella actually waited for me to open hers. Grabbing her hand I pulled her out of her seat and as close to my body as I could get her.

She giggled lightly, but it died in her throat when I pushed her up against the cold metal of my Volvo. I'm sure she could see my eyes darkening as I looked at her, pinned beneath me, but I didn't care.

I didn't care that it was cold, or that someone might see us. I was a fucking teenage guy, and I hadn't done this nearly enough. She was my girlfriend. Didn't that mean I could do this whenever I damn well pleased? Well, right then, something snapped, and I _had_ to kiss her.

Without dropping her gaze, I leaned in for the kill. No, really. That was how wound-up I suddenly felt. It was entirely possible that I was looking at her like she was my prey. I felt her breathing pick up, her chest rising and falling more rapidly as I finally pressed my lips to hers.

I groaned; it had been far too fucking long.

Before I pressed my lips more firmly to hers, I wracked my brain, trying to remember _just_ how long it had been. I couldn't remember. I furrowed my brow, as if that would somehow help me recall, and pulled back. I noticed the way Bella's lips stayed pouted for a couple of seconds before she opened her eyes and looked at me in concern.

I looked at her, properly looked at her. Her eyes were clearly pronounced by the dark circles underneath them, but were the same deep-brown I remembered. She had left her hair down this morning, and as I looked it over, I noticed it was longer, but thinner. How could her hair be thinner?

She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and I snapped out my trance, realizing that I had just left her standing there. It seemed I was always making her wait.

"When was the last time I kissed you?"

She seemed taken aback by my question, and her eyes flitted from my face, focusing on a point in the distance. I gently moved her head back to me, my fingers on her jaw.

"When, Bella?"

"That night we had dinner at your house."

She tried to disguise it, but I still heard the waver in her voice. She was confused as to why I was asking, probably wondering why I had pulled away from her. I closed my eyes, battling the anger that was bubbling to the surface. I logically knew I could never forget that night, but I still wanted to erase it from our history.

"Edward? What's wrong?"

I raised my hand to her head, cupping her cheek gently. I could feel the heat emanating from her smooth skin as I traced my thumb over her cheekbone. I leaned in once again, making sure she was looking me in the eye.

"I'm so sorry. Fuck, what kind of boyfriend goes nearly a whole month without even kissing his girlfriend?"

She flinched as I swore, but I felt her whole body relax as I rested my forehead against hers. I wasn't pulling away again.

"Well, technically, that was the last night you kissed me...like that. You have kissed me since...just...not...Just not one of the ones that make my whole body tingle just by thinking about it, okay?"

My eyes widened and I felt her entire neck and face heat up at her outburst.

I couldn't help the smile that overtook my face. Yes, I was a smug bastard, your point? I had no idea that was the kind of effect I had on her. Sure, I knew she was attracted to me, and of course, I knew that she loved me, but, just a kiss could do that to her? That, I was fucking proud of.

"Tingle, huh?"

"Oh, shut up, Edward." She tried to push passed me, no doubt annoyed with herself for inflating my ego.

"Uh, uh. No you don't. You're going to have to remind me how it goes..." I smirked, but she wasn't catching on. I could see the confusion in her eyes.

"What?"

"Well, it's been so long you see. What if I've forgotten how?" When my smirk grew, her blush bloomed. Or was it the other way round?

"Edward, stop mocking me." The genuine hurt in her voice made the smirk drop from my face immediately.

"I'm being serious, Bella. I promise to never let it be that long again. I'm so sorry for pushing you away."

This time it was Bella who reached out. Her small hand brushed the hair from my forehead before resting gently on the bruise on my jaw. I forgot it was even there at times, and I knew it wouldn't be long before it disappeared. But every time Bella's eyes landed on it, I could see the hurt there, the guilt for putting it there. Then I remembered. I hated seeing her like that.

"Even if you have forgotten, every kiss from you makes me tingle..." She murmured slowly.

Panic flitted across her eyes and I pulled back slightly, knowing I hadn't imagined it. I liked to think I was pretty good at reading her by now.

Why would she panic about saying something like that? Embarrassed, maybe, seeing as it was on par with her previous one, but panic, that just confused me. She was searching my eyes again, but this time it looked like she was waiting for a reaction to something.

I was about to reply by telling her I would never forget her, but something made it stick in my throat. What the fuck was happening? I felt strange, like I did before I remembered something. But it felt different. My brain wasn't conjuring up a lost memory, but it _was_ trying to do something. There was no hazy fog, or dulling noise. I was very much still in the present, but something, something wasn't right.

Confused with myself, I bent quickly and captured Bella's lips in a searing kiss. She gasped into my mouth before lifting her arms and threading her fingers tightly into my hair. I knew the only way to forget, to feel good, was to be with Bella. She was like some sort of narcotic. She had gone from being my own brand of heroin, to a simple drug that numbed everything else.

This kiss wasn't what I started it out to be. There was an urgency between us that had never been there before. She groaned when I nipped at her bottom lip and she surprised me by arching her back and opening her mouth.

I was suddenly disorientated. There was too much sensation, too much of Bella, but I couldn't stop. I craved it almost as much as I craved the truth. It was a sad fact that the truth about my past was higher up the list than Bella, but it had been up there so long that I wasn't sure I could ever knock it off its perch.

I slipped my hands around her waist and pressed against her lower back, bringing her impossibly closer. She sighed my name at the exact same time she tugged aggressively on my hair. I groaned loudly at the contrast; her soft sweet voice, and her urgently forceful actions. Fuck, it was hot.

I pulled back, completely out-of-breath. "Tingling yet?"

She moaned again, not opening her eyes.

"Aching," she whispered.

"Fuck, you have no idea." I ground my hips into hers, causing her to groan louder than even I had. I was literally seconds from release right there in her driveway with the sounds she was emitting.

I didn't bother to battle my labored breathing, she already knew what she did to me. But we had to stop. It was fucking cold outside and there was no way I was doing anything to her against the side of my car. No matter how much I wanted to; she deserved better than that from me.

"We should go inside."

She shook her head almost instantly.

"No, we should stay right here."

She tried to tug my head back to hers, but I wasn't budging.

"We need to talk, Bella."

"No, Edward. We need to make up for this..."

She took me off guard by rising onto her toes and kissing me again. I really didn't have the restraint for the insistent mood she was in.

"You know as well as I do that we don't talk when we should. Please, let me do this?"

She slumped back onto the car with a sigh. She nodded her head and pulled away from me before I could say anything else, leaving me trailing behind her into the house. I had hurt her again. Was I ever doing anything else?

I watched as she hung her jacket over the banister, and once she dropped her house keys on the table I grabbed her hand in mine. Her head snapped up to me in surprise, but she was still wearing her angry frown. She was either angry or frustrated with me. I pulled her silently into my arms, wrapping them securely around her.

She was tense, but she eventually relaxed into my chest, her right hand coming up to rest above my heart. It thudded once out of sync before settling back into its regular pattern. It was beating for her.

"I love you, Bella."

She snuggled closer and I took the opportunity to bury my nose in her hair, breathing her in, filling myself up with as much of her as I could.

"I love you, too." Her voice was muffled by my jumper. She sounded vulnerable, and felt small as I engulfed her in my embrace. But there was nothing vulnerable about my girl, she was undoubtedly one of the strongest people I had ever met, and I don't think I had ever told her that.

"You might not like what I have to say. But I never want you to forget, even for a second, how much you mean to me, okay?"

She pulled back slightly, looking at me warily. I pleaded her to understand with my eyes, and let out a sigh of relief when she nodded slowly. She looked to her feet when I tucked a piece of hair back behind her ear. She was nervous. It was about time we got this over with.

I doubted she would run screaming, but I also knew she wasn't going to be completely thrilled with my lapse in faith during the week.

I threaded my fingers through hers and pulled her with me to the sofa. When she let go and curled into the corner, I decided to leave her be. There was far too much space between us when I sat down, but she looked like she needed it. Plus, I needed to be able to see her eyes. They were the only indication I would get to how she was feeling.

I took a deep breath and started my sorry explanation for how I had treated her, noticing that her eyes stayed trained on the coffee table.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**So? What did we think? Who caught Edward's fuzzy thoughts? :O**

**Did Edward come through for you? Please let me know!**

**Oh, I have a new fic! It's called Don't Believe The Hype, and I'd appreciate it a lot if you could go over and check it out :)**

**Don't forget to follow my blog over on www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com for all the FMN music/goss/news :)**

**See you in two weeks!**

**xx**


	33. What Would You Say If

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Yes, I realize that Ffn is being a compelete FAIL with the update alerts, so I know that most of my loyal readers wont be reading this until...maybe January? Which puts a total dampner on my hopes for some kick ass reviews... :(**

**Because I love you all so much, this chapter is EPOV too... :) Yes, you can thank me by reviewing! Lol, talk to you at the bottom! :)**

**SM owns all things Twilight, but everything else about this fic is mine, no plaigarism will be tolerated! Thank you :)**

**Enjoy x**

* * *

**Chapter 33 - What Would You Say If...?**

Just one more moment, that's all that's needed.  
Like wounded soldiers in need of healing.  
Time to be honest, this time I'm bleeding  
Please don't dwell on it, 'cause I didn't mean it.

I can't believe I said I'd lay our love on the ground,  
But it doesn't matter 'cause I've made it up, forgive me now  
Every day I spend away my souls inside out  
Gotta be someway that I can make it up to you now, somehow.

By now you'd know that,

I'd come for you, no one but you,

Yes I'd come for you,  
But only if you told me to.  
And I'd fight for you, I'd lie, it's true,  
Give my life for you,  
You know I'd always come for you.

I was blindfolded, but now I'm seeing.  
My mind was closing, now I'm believing.  
I finally know just what it means to let someone in,  
To see the side of me that no one does or ever will.  
So if you're ever lost and find yourself all alone  
I'd search forever just to bring you home,  
Here and now this I vow.

By now you'd know that,

I'd come for you, no one but you,

Yes I'd come for you  
But only if you told me to.  
And I'd fight for you, I'd lie, it's true  
Give my life for you,  
You know I'd always come for you,  
You know I'd always come for you.

No matter what gets in my way  
As long as there's still life in me  
No matter what remember,

You know I'll always come for you.

Yes I'd come for you, no one but you,  
Yes I'd come for you  
But only if you told me to

And I'd fight for you  
I'd lie, it's true  
Give my life for you,  
You know I'd always come for you

No matter what gets in my way

As long as there's still life in me

No matter what remember,

You know I'll always come for you.

I'd crawl across this world for you  
Do anything you want me to  
No matter what remember,

You know I'll always come for you,  
You know I'll always come for you

_I'd Come For You - Nickelback_

* * *

EPOV

I felt more vulnerable spilling all of my inner most thoughts to Bella, than I ever had before. It was different than talking to the dozens of doctors I had crossed paths with. None of them ever had anything invested in me.

I never had anything invested in them.

Bella was the single most important thing in my life. To have her judge me, be disappointed in me, was something I couldn't comprehend. I needed her to know, but I needed her to understand, too. I was giving her the chance, but there was also a chance that it would backfire spectacularly.

I was once again putting way more faith in my feelings for her than I ever thought I would. I had never seen myself as someone who could be ruled by _those_ sorts of emotions. I had never believed that, even when I was in love with someone, I would change. But there I was, laying everything out between us, and hoping against all hope that she would still love me and forgive me at the end of it.

When I was finished, when I had nothing left to give, she stared at me, wide eyed and innocent. I couldn't take it. I needed anger; something palpable to hold on to. Silence just wasn't going to cut it. She now knew everything; the fight with my parents, the truth that made me run to New York, how I had doubted my feelings for her and why I had pushed her out.

"Bella?"

The tears that had been steadily gathering in her eyes, finally spilled over. I automatically reached up to brush them away, the same wrenching sensation occurring in my chest when I saw her cry.

"I'm so sorry."

I frowned at her, confusion no doubt marring my features. Why the fuck was _she_ apologizing to _me_?

"What? Why?"

"I had no idea. I mean, I know you're not happy. I know nothing is right at the moment, but I don't think I ever really realized how scared you are."

My throat closed over at the honesty in her words. I didn't want her seeing me so broken, but then that was the whole point in telling her.

"Please don't think that."

"Edward, it's okay to be scared. Trust me, I know."

Something tugged inside my head again at her words. Something I should have known, but I ignored them. She hadn't understood me.

"No, that's not what I meant."

I grabbed her hands in mine and pulled her closer to me on the sofa so that our knees were touching. It wasn't nearly enough contact, but it would have to do.

"You make me happy–and not everything is wrong. When I'm with you everything feels right. I don't want to sound like some cheesy movie, Bella, but you make everything better. Just thinking about you makes me happier."

I brushed away the remaining tears, leaving my hands cupping her face. I leaned in slowly, lightly whispering my lips, and my love, across her mouth. She had to know how much I loved her. I didn't want to sound like a broken record, but I would keep saying it, keep proclaiming it, until there wasn't the tiniest doubt left in her mind.

"What were you scared about?" I had completely forgotten what I was supposed to be thinking about, but I remembered she had said she was scared.

"I was so scared I couldn't help you. I could only watch as you got worse. I tried...but you wouldn't let me in."

"Fuck, Bella. I'm so sorry. That wasn't your fault. I pushed you out because I thought I had changed. I thought that the person you loved was gone, and that I had to let you go. I was so stupid. Fuck, I was such a jerk."

She giggled lightly, but it soon died. Things were too serious to be lightened so easily.

"I'm just glad you're back."

Her thin fingers played with the hair just above my sideburns and I damn well nearly fucking purred. That's what her touch could reduce me to. I was such a chick it was ridiculous, but I no longer cared.

"There's more. I need to tell you everything," I continued quietly.

I sighed gently. The worst of it was over, I knew that, but uncovering secrets that had been secret for so long was never a good experience. I hadn't lied per-se, but I hadn't told her the whole truth about me either.

Would she run when I told her how violent I was? Would she be afraid when I finally opened up and told her that I had so many problems that I had to see a fucking shrink about my temper? Fuck, why were things between us never easy?

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward."

I smiled tentatively before starting again.

"That night? The night I...the night I hurt you?"

She nodded, her eyes wary as to where I was going with this.

"I became so distant because it only reminded me what I was capable of -"

"It's okay, Edward-"

"No! No, I need...I have to tell you this...Please?"

She nodded again.

"After the accident, when we were still in Chicago, I used to drink. I drank, like, a lot. I used to go to parties, like, three nights a week, and just down all the alcohol I could find. I guess once all that shit was in my system, all the anger came out. I'd pick fights with random guys, just for the thrill of it. I needed something to take it all out on, and I didn't care who I hurt in the process.

"One night it got really bad. There was this guy, and he was being too aggressive with some chick, and I just saw red. Bella, I nearly killed him. I'm not saying that to be dramatic, I literally nearly killed him. He was in the hospital for weeks because his mom couldn't wake him up the next morning.

"I barely even knew the guy. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It took my parents hours of meetings to get the school to agree not to suspend me. They didn't want a black mark on my record. I was given counseling; in school and at home. After that, I spent more time in therapy than out with my family or friends.

"I don't drink anymore. Or at least, not that much. I can have, like, a beer or something, but even then I'm scared that I won't be able to stop. Every time I take a drink I see Alec lying in that hospital bed. God, Bella if he'd have died, I would have been charged with murder. Not even my parents would have been able to talk me out of that one."

I slumped down, shoving my hands through my hair. I had known it at the time, of course, but I had never spoken of it aloud since. The ringing clarity in what could have happened was like a blow to the chest, winding me and knocking me back.

Bella's little body curled into mine as she weaved her arm through the crook at my elbow. With her head resting lightly on my shoulder, I turned my head and pressed a kiss to her hair, breathing her scent in. It calmed me considerably and I was soon breathing in sync with her.

"I thought you'd be scared of me."

My chest tightened as I waited for her answer.

"I always knew you had a temper, Edward. But I've seen you battle it more than once, remember?"

She looked at me, an adorable frown on her face. I nodded, of course I remembered, I wasn't likely to forget the time I had spent with her since we met.

There was that damn tug again. I shook my head, trying to dispel it as I remembered that day in my kitchen. I had been on the verge of losing my cool completely, but just the thought of scaring or hurting her, even back then, was enough for me to calm down. The power she had always had over me astounded me when I looked back on it.

"I don't ever want to hurt you."

"You won't. The only way you can hurt me is by leaving."

"Bella, that isn't ever going to happen."

She didn't reply, only sighing lightly. Why didn't she believe that?

"Anyway...when we moved to Forks I was transferred to a new therapist in Port Angeles." I tensed and Bella looked up, alarmed.

"Edward?"

"That night that everyone thinks I was with Lauren?"

She nodded slowly, realizing she had to wait for me to finish.

"Well, I guess you could say I _was_ with another woman."

She furrowed her brow, but I could see the hint of a smile playing on her soft lips.

"Her name is Kate Silvers. I'm sure she's getting sick of me going on about how much I love you." I smirked as her eyes widened.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was ashamed, Bella. And more than that, I was scared you'd be afraid of me. I didn't want you to know that I was so violent that I needed fucking therapy." I sighed in aggravation. Even thinking about it was making me angry.

"You talk to her about me?" I nearly laughed at how worried she sounded.

"She wanted to know what was making me happy."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Bella, I've told you how happy you make me. I wish you'd believe me." I ran my fingers through her hair, noting that it was definitely thinner than it had been.

"I missed you that night," she said. She looked up at me, her lip caught between her teeth. "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I just want you to know. I know I was unconscious the first night, but it's like I knew you were there, looking after me. And then you stayed the next night. Even back then, going a day without seeing you was too long.

"You make me happy, too. And it might sound scary, or obsessive, but spending all of my time with you still wouldn't be enough. I love you, and nothing you will tell me can scare me off."

She raised herself onto her knees, pressing her lips against mine simultaneously. I pushed my fingers through her hair, anchoring her head to mine. Opening her mouth to me, she bit at my lower lip, causing me to groan in pleasure.

As had always been the case; the second her lips touched mine, she breathed life back into me. I was beyond caring if I sounded like every cliché in the book, but as simply as I could put it, she was the reason for my being...whatever the fuck I was. She loved me, beyond every conceivable notion, she defied everything that was stacked against us, and loved me.

For the second time in a day, I was thinking the most when Bella's mind was very much taking us to a different place. I had never truly taken a step back and looked at us as a whole. Never paid complete attention to the obstacles we had faced, and the obstacles we had yet to face. The fact that Bella had gone through so much already both confounded and astonished me. But I wouldn't have it any other way,

She loved me, and no matter what my past contained or didn't contain, I loved her. I had spent too long worried about my missing summer. Too long fretting over a girl I couldn't remember, over the feelings that my memories of her stirred in me. I loved Bella, she was it for me.

When I pulled back from her, my breathing labored and matching hers, I remembered our night in the meadow. It was one of our more profound moments. I wasn't neglecting the fact that it could have gone so drastically different. She had told me we had met before, she had come clean about the fact that she was lying to me. But I had seen, for the first time, the pain that both of those confessions were putting her through.

After my very first flashback, when I had been by Bella's bedside in the hospital, I had wished with every fiber of my being that Bella be the girl in my memories. It wasn't totally inconceivable that she wasn't. The only thing that stopped me from wishing further was the implications that truth brought with it. And that was why I hid from it. Why I ignored all the signs that my brain was throwing at me.

I was no longer shutting Bella out. No, I had moved on. I was shutting out my past; too afraid to face it. That was why she was one of the strongest people I had ever met. She was willing to face her past,_ our_ past. I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose what I had. In a completely selfish way, I didn't want anything to change.

I knew exactly what I was capable of. No matter how much I thought it through, a betrayal like that, from Bella of all people, would be my one undoing. If I could get through what I was going through, and get out the other side, with Bella by my side, then I could face anything. Or that was how it should have been.

Bella had told me about the boy in her past. She would have told me that I was him. I wanted her to be the girl in my memories, but there was absolutely no way I wanted to be the guy in hers.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Her sweet voice brought a smile to my face before I gazed back at her.

Her cheeks were flushed a delicious rose pink, her hair was in complete disarray from my hands running through it and she was biting her lip, the gesture not managing to hide the sweet smile on her lips. She had never looked more perfect to me.

"You're so beautiful."

I could be a very rich man if I could bet on Bella's blush. It bloomed across her face, under my fingertips and all the way down her neck to her exposed chest. Even in the coldest weather she was set on tempting me by showing as much skin as she could. I was also completely certain that she had no idea what she was doing to me. Like I said, she was perfect.

"So are you."

That one stumped me. I furrowed my brows as her cool hand gently rested on my jaw, her fingers flexing over my cheek.

"Bella, I'm not beautiful."

Her eyebrows mirrored mine before she spoke again.

"Yes, you are. On the inside. I mean, you're not too bad to look at either, I suppose."

I suppressed a loud laugh as I watched her try to keep a straight face. "You are, Edward. I don't care if it's not _manly_ enough, you are." She stretched up and pressed her lips to my stubbled jaw, and I could feel the smile on her lips.

"I don't deserve you, but God, I love you." I groaned as I dove back in to her awaiting lips. If there was ever a person made for me, it was Bella. She knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it, and she never questioned me in how I treated her. Whether I needed her to prove how much she loved me, or needed unwarranted space from her, she was always willing to do what was needed.

I pushed her back gently, giving her the space she needed to slide down the sofa beneath me. Noting that there was far too much space between us, I pressed my body closer to her, feeling rather than seeing as her whole body flushed at the contact. I tried to calculate in my head how long it had been since she was released from the hospital, but between how close she was, and how much I realized I wanted it, I couldn't remember. But I couldn't–wouldn't–hurt her.

When I pulled back to ask her, she completely burst my bubble. I thought I could detect sadness in her eyes, and I wondered why it would upset her. Disappointment maybe, but sadness?

"We can't, Edward."

"How long?" I practically whined. My highly hormonal brain wanted a time scale, but I could tell that there was something else going on in my girls beautiful head. She sighed sadly, and I cupped her jaw in my hand, forcing her head up and her eyes into my gaze.

"I need to tell you some...things..." she whispered.

I gulped down the anxiety in me, trying to look stronger than I was. It couldn't be too bad, could it? I mean, compared to what we had already talked about?

I pulled back from her, weaving my fingers through hers and pulling her with me so that she was nestled into my side. She didn't seem to mind, burying herself into my sweater and tightening her arm around my torso.

"We could just stay like this forever," I suggested, noting that she was reluctant to start talking.

"I...I know this is probably the last thing you even want to think about at the moment, but I need to tell you the truth about me. I mean, I know you love me, but this changes things...I guess I'd understand if it changed things for you too, I -"

"Bella, what the fuck? Look at me." I hooked my finger under her chin and tilted her head up to me. Her eyes, however, focused on anything but me. "Look at me, Bella." Eventually, they flicked back and settled on me, her lip firmly clamped between her teeth. "Nothing, absolutely nothing, can change the way I feel about you. I know that now, and while it took some time to realize, which I'm sorry for, I mean it."

Her eyes fluttered closed and a single tear squeezed out from underneath the lashes of her right eye.

"Please, Bella? I love you."

She nodded in earnest.

"I know that. I do, but this is hard for me. I..." She took a deep shuddering breath before putting some space between us. "Remember what I told you in the hospital, about the...the baby...and the...the -"

"Shh, yeah, I remember." I squeezed her hand. I knew this must have been one of the hardest things she ever had to talk about. I'd known it at the time, and it hadn't changed since then.

"There was a complication...during my surgery. I...it doesn't happen very often, and it's really rare. It's what caused the hemorrhaging that night we had the fight..." Her grip on my hand tightened, and her eyes flicked between mine, looking for some sort of reaction. I could only nod–the air pocket in my throat increasing.

"Edward, I suffer from Asherman's Syndrome. It basically means that I never have a period, but I can suffer really badly from cramps. The pills I take for it can cause depression, but luckily I've been okay in that respect. I do suffer from anxiety, though. I guess that's why I'm so...needy with you. I mean, I have panic attacks anyway, I think, but the pills just increase the symptoms..."

"Bella, I mean, I kind of know all this already. Can this syndrome be cured? Or are there different pills you can take?"

"That wasn't why I told you, Edward. You're smart. You're going to medical school of all places. Edward, I never have a period. _Ever_..." The look in her eyes, implored me to understand what she was saying. I think even she noticed when it all clicked into place. She couldn't even say it, that's how much it caused her pain.

"Bella, I love you. You'll find a way. You can still have a family. I know that it hurts you, but I love you, all of you. I'm sorry that you can't have children. I am, because I can see how much it means to you. But, I love you anyway."

Her tears were tracking quickly down her cheeks, and I tried to brush them away. She looked so relieved as she slumped back down onto my chest. Had I given her reason to believe something like that would push me away?

"I'm sorry."

I bristled, unbelieving that she was actually apologizing.

"Don't." My voice was tense, my temper rising. Not at her, but at the situation. She was in such a place that she thought it was her fault. "Don't apologize for this, Bella. This isn't your fault. It was _never_ your fault." Instead of reassuring her, her sobs wracked through her tiny body.

"But, but if I'd known, then maybe I could have looked after myself...or done something differently...and I wouldn't have lost it...or..."

"Bella, baby. Shh...this isn't your fault...I promise this isn't your fault..." My heart cracked as she continued to cry, knowing that there was nothing I could do for her.

How could one person carry around so much hurt and guilt without crumbling under the weight of it?

"I never wanted a child, but...but now that I can't have any, I want that one back. I don't care that I'm only sixteen and that I was alone, but it was my only shot...I'm never going to have a child of _my own_, Edward. How do I face that?"

She sounded to me like she was only just facing it, and I was glad that I was getting the chance to be there for her like she had been for me.

"I promise we'll find a way. I promise, baby." I buried my face into her hair and hugged her tightly, but only seconds later she was pulling back from me.

"We?"

I didn't realize my slip-up until she had repeated it back to me. Just because I had spent so long thinking to myself that a family with Bella was what I wanted, didn't mean it was time to spit it out. We had never mentioned our future.

_Way to freak her out, Romeo._

"You want a family with me?" she asked again.

It hurt that she sounded so incredulous.

"I love you, why wouldn't I? I want to see the world with you by my side, have a family, grow old...you name it. I know we never talk about the future, probably because we have so many problems in the past, but I thought that was kind of a given. I love you, Bella." How many times had I said that?

_Not enough, you've got to make up for a month of silence._

"I always knew you were too good to be true, but I'm never letting you go."

She threw her arms around my neck and squeezed herself to me as closely as she could. I mumbled my next question before I really thought it through.

"Always?"

That damn tugging was back full force and it was seriously starting to piss me off. Why the fuck had I picked her out on her word choice. We had talked ourselves out already; I did not want to have this conversation, too. There were too many things riding on the answers, and selfishly–again–I couldn't lose what we had. It _had_ to last longer.

"I mean...I..." She stuttered out. I pressed my finger to her lips and watched as her fearful eyes met mine.

"Can we not do this now? I just want to hold you."

She nodded slowly, but even though she was relieved, I could still see the desperation inside her. It was more than obvious to me in that moment, that she wanted nothing more than to stop lying. She wanted to tell me everything, even though she was scared of how I would react. I had no fucking clue what it was we needed to talk about, but if she was that desperate to get it out in the open, no matter the damage, then it must have really been hurting her. I had to help her somehow.

"I know this is hurting you, Bella. But, I just...I can't. Not right now. I just want to be us for a while. Please?" I knew it was unfair to practically fucking beg, but I couldn't fathom what something that hurt her so much would do to me.

"Of course. I'd like that. I wonder what it's like to be a normal couple?" She said it lightly, with a smile on her face, but it didn't mask the truth in her question. _What was it like?_

"How about we take a couple of weeks to find out?" Her smile widened before she leaned in and pressed her lips to mine chastely.

"I love you, Edward Cullen-Masen...whomever you decide to be..."

I took her head in my hands and kissed her passionately, partly so she wouldn't see the tears in my eyes.

"Mmm, come on. You can help me make dinner tonight. Couples do that, right?" She stopped our kiss so abruptly that I was literally still pouting when I opened my eyes. She giggled lightly before tugging me–unsuccessfully–from the sofa.

I stood with an exaggerated huff and let her pull me into the kitchen, amazed by the sound of her laughter. God, I loved that sound. Well, that wasn't too surprising. I loved every part of her. And there I went, being a total sap again. I seriously wondered if my balls would shrivel and drop off if I acted like more of a chick.

When she wiggled her ass at me from bending into the cupboard, I had to re-prove my masculinity was still very much in control. With a low growl I pinned her into the counter, and let her feel just what she had done to me with her little stunt. Of course, the second our making-out started to heat up, Charlie had to walk through the front door.

Bella pushed me off her with a giggle, and I had to sit at the kitchen table to hide my very obvious arousal. She only laughed harder when I scowled at her.

For some unknown reason, I felt nervous about Charlie's appearance. I had spent the best part of a week in his home, hadn't said a word, and had treated his daughter with as little respect as a person can manage. And I was pretty damn sure he knew all of that; he was a perceptive fucker.

All through dinner, and the conversation before it, his eyes kept flicking between Bella and I. I caught more than one sly grin, and I was sure he knew we had gotten over the major bump in our road. When he cleared the plates from the table I grabbed Bella's hand in mine, more for strength than anything else.

"Charlie?"

"Hmm?" He didn't look too surprised by the fact I had just spoken.

"I just want to say thanks, for letting me stay here, and for looking after me this past week."

Bella's fingers squeezed mine as Charlie turned to look at me with a smile beneath his mustache.

"I'm just glad you're back with us, son. There's no need to thank me. I'm glad you two seem to have sorted things out." His eyes flicked to Bella and she nodded, smiling widely. "The rules are still in place, though. Edward, if you're in her room, the door stays open, you hear me? And you are still on the sofa." With an exaggerated nod, he turned on his heel and headed into the front room. The blood had drained from my face, but Bella only giggled lightly, pulling me from my seat. When we got to the foot of the stairs I stopped, an idea forming in my head.

"You go up. I need to get something. I've got something for you."

Her brows furrowed in confusion, probably wondering what on earth I had for her. I hadn't been anywhere to get her something. Well, as far as she knew.

I pecked her lips chastely and watched as she ascended the stairs. I waited until she was in her room before grabbing my car keys and heading out into the rain.

I was nervous, but it was all I had to give her at the moment and I hoped she'd like it. I grabbed the case and extra bag Emmett had left in my car for me before dashing back inside. He had come over the night I thought Bella had broken up with me, leaving some stuff for me on the porch. He had deposited some stuff, per my request, in my car during the school day.

I locked the front door behind me, leaving one bag by the side of the sofa, and taking the other case up to Bella's room. With a soft knock she told me to come in, and I found her curled in her chair, worrying her bottom lip. I put the case on the bed and unzipped it, my hands becoming clammy when her gaze stayed fixed on what I was doing.

I picked up my guitar, which had lain neglected for too long. Bella was watching me, intrigued and anxious. She didn't like surprises, which I knew. But she didn't even like not knowing what was going to happen.

It was pretty obvious I was going to play her something, but she probably had no idea why or why it was suddenly happening now. To me, after we had hashed out everything, and she was still very much by my side, it was the perfect time.

It was by a British band and it wasn't even a released single, but I had come across it on iTunes one boring day and thought the lyrics resounded within my own head. Now, after all I had learned, and now that I had Bella by my side, it seemed perfectly fitting for both of us.

The intro was long, but the melody was simple enough. I plucked at the strings softly, finding comfort in the bright sound they formed under my fingertips. I looked up at Bella and smiled softly before nervously singing the words. She had never listened to me sing before, and I had no idea how she would react.

God, there was a lot of that going around.

_I wonder what it__'__s like to be loved by you,_

_I wonder what it__'__s like to be home._

_And I don__'__t walk when there__'__s a stone in my shoe,_

_All I know, that in time I__'__ll be fine._

_I wonder what it__'__s like to fly so high,_

_Or to breathe under the sea._

_I wonder if someday I__'__ll be good at goodbyes,_

_But I__'__ll be okay, if you come along with me_

_Such a long, long way to go_

_Where I__'__m going, I don__'__t know._

_I__'__m just following the road,_

_For a walk in the sun,_

_For a walk in the sun._

_I wonder how they put a man on the moon,_

_I wonder what it__'__s like up there._

_I wonder if you__'__ll ever sing this tune,_

_All I know, is the answers in the air._

_Such a long, long way to go_

_Where I__'__m going I don__'__t know._

_I__'__m just following the road,_

_For a walk in the sun,_

_For a walk in the sun._

_Sitting and watching the world going by,_

_Is it true when we die we go up to the sky?_

_So many things that I don__'__t understand,_

_Put my feet in the sand when I__'__m walking in the sun_

_Walking in the sun._

The same melody picked back up again, and feeling confident enough to play it, I looked up at Bella. My heart plummeted when I noticed tears running freely down her cheeks, but when my fingers faltered on the strings she smiled at me.

She stood up quickly, crossing over to me and sitting down on the bed beside me. Her sweet, familiar scent swirled around me as she nestled into my side, quietly whispering for me to go on. She wiped gently beneath her eyes and smiled at me in reassurance.

_Such a long, long way to go_

_Where I__'__m going I don__'__t know._

_I__'__m just following the road,_

_For a walk in the sun,_

_For a walk in the sun_

"I love you, Bella."

She closed her eyes serenely as I whispered the words softly to her. My playing never ceasing as the notes continued to float around us.

All too soon, the moment was over and the song was finished. I placed my guitar back beside the chair, worried that maybe Bella wouldn't have gotten the message in my song choice.

Once again, however, I was wrong. When I turned around, she was standing in the middle of the floor, watching me carefully. In two quick bounces she was jumping at me, and I had to react quick enough to catch her. With a light giggle she was pecking kisses all over my neck, heating my skin up under her touch.

I groaned and she stopped abruptly. When she didn't pull back, but didn't move either, I put space between us and looked into her eyes. I had thought there was something wrong, but her eyes were heavily lidded, the brown darker and richer than I had ever seen. Fuck, I knew that look. She wanted this as much as I did.

"How long did the doctor say?" I didn't need to be any more specific. There was no way she didn't know what I was talking about.

"Six weeks to be on the safe side."

I desperately tried to mentally calculate how long it had been since her surgery, but once again, I couldn't figure it out.

"It's been nearly seven, Edward." I swear my eyes probably fucking lit up or some equally sexist thing. I was trying to be the gentleman, but there was nothing fucking holding me back anymore. Except Bella.

"Not now, Edward. Not here..." I couldn't help the rejection that washed over me. Maybe she didn't want it as much as I had thought.

"Yeah, sure. Just whenever you're ready, I'll be here." My sensitive side kicked in in enough time to tell me that maybe she _wasn't_ ready. She might have looked like she wanted to, but the last time she had had sex she'd been left and had gotten pregnant. It was just a guess, but I was thinking they weren't the best memories to go on.

"I want it to be you, Edward. Only you. I'm just not ready, not yet." She looked worried that she had somehow ruined it all.

"Well, beds do have other uses. We could still sleep together." She cocked her eyebrow, catching on to the tone of my voice. "Bella?"

"Yes, Edward," she giggled in response.

"Can I hold you tonight?"

She bit her lip and nodded, happiness shining from her eyes. God, if that was all it took to make her happy, my job would be ultimately easier. I didn't forget that Charlie had specifically said I had to stay on the sofa, but maybe I could just make it look like we feel asleep together. He wouldn't wake me up and move me would he? I made sure to sweeten the deal by keeping her door wide open.

While Bella got ready for bed in the bathroom, I made my way back downstairs to get my own things. Charlie raised his eyebrows at me and asked if I wanted him to turn the TV off, but I shook my head.

"Bella and I are going to talk for a while. I'll let you know when..." I didn't want to finish my sentence. It was his house after all, I felt kind of guilty for making him leave his own living room.

"I'll be heading myself soon, anyway."

I nodded, and he smiled before I trudged back up to the bathroom.

I changed into my pajama bottoms and brushed my teeth. It wasn't a completely deliberate move to forgo my shirt, but when Bella curled into me and rested her head and hand on my bare chest, I was sure it was one of the best decisions I had made all week.

With a soft sigh and a kiss above my heart she floated into sleep. I murmured one more "I love you," before dropping off myself. There were no nightmares for either of us that night. With my girl tightly secure in my arms, I didn't wake until it was time for us to face the circus again. Only this time, it seemed like a simple thing to do, rather than a hell to live through.

Maybe things weren't going to be so bad after all.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Please, please review! This was a big chapter with lots of answers and I need to know that y'all are still following! :/**

**As a side note, my third fic Don't Believe The Hype is up for voting in The Cherry Exchange Contest 2010. You can pop over to www(dot)thecherryexchange(dot)com and read all the entries :) Don't forget to vote for your three faves...and of course I'd love it if mine was one of em ;P**

**See y'all in two weeks!**

**Twitter = LiveInDakota , blog = www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**xx**


	34. What Is Normal?

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR! New Year, new start...and it is for these two, too!**

**Thank you to every single person who reviewed and added this story as a fave, it is because of you that I still enjoy this 100% :P To those of you who are new to this fic and have reviewed since yesterday (you know who you are), I will get round to replying as soon as I can. To everyone else...I hope I didn't miss anyone from last chapter :)**

**In case you missed something in the abundance of information I bombarded you with in the last chapter, there is a list on my blog to keep you right :) It mentions all that we now know, all the new questions, and all the things we are still waiting for an answer to :)**

**This one, is for mrsedwardcullen912 cause she fucking rocks...enough said :) Go check out her heartbreaking fic Phoenix Rising if you haven't already :)**

**Enjoy, my lovelies and we'll chat at the end :)**

* * *

**Chapter 34 - What is Normal?**

It doesn't hurt me.  
You wanna feel how it feels?  
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?  
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?  
You be running up that hill  
You and me be running up that hill

And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
Be running up that building.

If I only could...

You don't wanna hurt me,  
But see how deep the bullet lies.  
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.  
There's a thunder in our hearts, baby.  
So much hate for the ones we love.  
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, be running up that hill  
You and me, be running up that hill  
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
Be running up that building.

If I only could…

C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,  
Let me steal this moment from you now.  
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,  
Let's exchange the experience…

And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
With no problems

And if I only could,  
Make a deal with God,  
And get him to swap our places,  
Be running up that road,  
Be running up that hill,  
With no problems

If I only could, be running up that hill…

Placebo (Cover)– Running Up That Hill

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

There was a different feeling to waking up after that; I wasn't alone. Not just in the literal sense–for Edward had managed to successfully curtail my father's ban–but metaphorically, too. I didn't _feel_ alone.

Even before, when Edward had been back in my life, I still had moments when I felt out of sync. I still felt that crushing loneliness, knowing he was somewhere else, hurting. But now, now that I knew I could help him, knowing that he wasn't pushing me away, I felt whole again.

I didn't doubt how he felt. I could see the way he looked at me, feel the way he was always protectively watching me. The way his fingers would wrap themselves in my hair, or how he'd make sure we were touching, somehow, made my heart hammer deliriously in my chest.

The only thing that nagged at me, that my brain wouldn't let me forget, was that _he _had doubted his feelings. He had explained it and apologized, and yes it did make sense, but that stupid little voice in my head kept calling it back up. I didn't tell him this; I didn't let him see that his lapse in faith had hurt me and caused me to question him, simply because I had no right.

I was the one lying to him; hiding things from him, making him live in darkness for longer than necessary. I had no place feeling betrayed over the insecurity he held over our relationship. That was what pulled me out of my self-pity any time I entered it. I was lucky to have Edward back, but he was going to hate me when the truth came out. I had no right to be hurt. I was the one in the wrong, I deserved everything I got.

It had been four days since our big talk, and while things weren't back to normal, they were pretty damn close. Our weekend had been spent re-learning everything about each other, both physically and mentally. Edward regaled me with tales from his childhood that I had never heard before, and when we weren't talking we were making out like the teenagers we often forgot we were.

It brought a smile to my face when I realized, unlike our summer in New York, he was willing to talk about his past and his family. I took that as a sign that he wouldn't ignore his father for as long as he had the first time.

He spoke of summers spent at a lake house that Carlisle always rented, the way he had always looked up to his father, as every little boy did. I could see the happiness in his eyes when he spoke of the days Carlisle took him to the hospital, where Edward tried to learn as much as he possibly could in the short hours his father had to spare.

I successfully managed to avoid talking about New York, because Edward said he wasn't ready for it. He seemed more open to the fact that we had met before, but he was still avoiding what I guessed he already knew. I'd find him looking at me; both confused and saddened, and wonder what it was he was trying to remember.

Any time I called him out on it he would simply say he wasn't ready and that it was nothing I had to worry about. Of course I had to worry about it, but I dutifully nodded my head and changed the subject, usually to something that would make him smile.

At school, Edward was even more touchy-feely in public than he used to be. He mumbled something on Monday about proving to everyone I was his, but he wouldn't say anything more. He'd drive me to school, hold my hand, kiss me goodbye at every class, and pick me up at the end of each one. It was like he was trying to make up for the time he had been "absent" in our relationship by spending every conceivable minute together. You wouldn't find me complaining.

The only thing that was stopping us from moving on was me. I could see the hurt and rejection in his eyes every time I pushed him away, and although he tried to cover it, I could hear the wavering insecurity in his voice when he told me "it was fine."

I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

The only time I had ever had sex was with Edward, and he didn't remember it. The first and only time I had sex, I had gotten pregnant and then lost my baby. Edward didn't know, didn't remember. No matter how much my body wanted it, _yearned_ for it, my heart just wasn't ready for that step. He had the right to know why. Even though he said he understood, I knew he didn't. I had made the decision, with myself, that I wasn't going to sleep with him again until he remembered.

All of it.

This, I realized, was probably my worst decision because when he did remember all of it, I would never have the chance again. I'd never get that connection, that all-consuming heat and love that would flow over both of us. The only thing I could hold onto was the fact that I already knew what it was like to be with Edward that way.

He'd been with girls before, and although he couldn't remember being with me, I told myself it wouldn't matter to him. But, of course, it mattered to me. I didn't want any other girls' hands on him; I didn't want anyone else to experience what it was like to have Edward love them. I wanted him to be mine, and only mine. So, then why wasn't I giving myself over to him?

I was scared. Petrified even. Just like with our first kiss, I was terrified that our connection would cause him to remember. How would I ever be able to live afterwards if he remembered in the middle of us having sex? I truly believed that if he found out that way, he'd feel tricked, betrayed, wronged. Yes, he was going to feel betrayed when he found out anyway, but I never wanted him to feel tricked. That I'd misled him into my bed? Used him? _That_, I couldn't live with.

I looked over at Edward, noting his serene smile and calm demeanor. It was an unusually sunny, bright day in Forks, and Edward had brought me back to the meadow. _Our _meadow he called it. He'd laid a blanket out on the slightly damp grass and pulled me down beside him without a word. His arm had been wrapped round me securely ever since.

I thought he had fallen asleep as I pondered the boundaries of our physical relationship, but when I looked back at him; his eyes were open and gazing at the darkening sky above us.

"See something you like?" he asked, amused.

His mouth lifted up slightly at the corner and he rolled his head so he could look in my direction. I had been practicing my reactions to him and found myself pleased when my blush didn't bloom.

"No, not really."

His eyebrow quirked up and his smirk fell from his face.

"I guess we should be going then. I suppose I can find someone in this town that thinks I'm at least a little good to look at." He made to get up, but I only gripped his hand tighter. The line between mocking and serious was blurring quickly as I found myself unable to gauge his mood. He must have sensed the panic on my face because he dropped back to his knees, cupping my face in his strong hands.

"Hey, what's wrong? You know I was only kidding, right?"

_Of course. Maybe. No. _

"Bella?"

I nodded my head, but a tear escaped from my eye and tracked its way down my pale cheek.

"No, baby. Why are you crying?"

My heart jumped at his term of endearment. His concern was enough to shake some sense into me.

"Sorry. Just being silly."

"If you're crying, it's important. Tell me?"

"It just reminded me of how I felt when Jasper told me about you and Lauren. I told you, I was just being stupid."

His face creased up in pain and he let out an audible sigh, obviously frustrated by my stupid brain. However, he surprised me.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you. It's all I ever seem to be doing, but I can't show you enough how much I love you."

There was something in his eyes that told me there was a deeper meaning behind his words. We were back to the sex issue.

I pulled back from him, letting his hand drop back to the blanket. Standing up, I brushed the loose grass from my hands and took a couple of steps back. He sighed again as I stared at the tree line, trying to think of some way to make him understand.

"Bella, I'd wait for as long as it took, but I just feel like there's something else. Like, you're hiding something from me."

"Of course I am!" All the blood drained from my face, and not even our breathing could be heard in the clearing because the breath had been stolen from us both. What had I just done? "Oh God, I'm sorry. I don't want to fight with you. Today has been perfect, and I've gone and ruined it, I -"

"Bella, shh. You haven't ruined anything."

For the second time in our meadow, Edward completely surprised me. He wasn't reacting like he should have been. He was more worried about me. I could feel it in his stance as he wrapped his arms around me from behind, holding me close to his warm body.

"I just want us to be normal for a while, remember? Just forget about all the other shit..." he mumbled quietly.

He laughed, with the tiniest hint of humor in his tone, and I smiled, simply because he wasn't mad.

"Will you tell me why you're not ready? You don't have to, it doesn't matter to me how physical we are, Bella. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to make love to you..."

I gasped softly, my heart hammering in my chest. There was no doubt that Edward hadn't picked up on its change in pace, he didn't need a hospital heart monitor to know. I turned gently in his arms, winding my own around his neck and pushing my fingers into his hair. I kissed him softly, relishing in how even the most chaste kiss between us could make my heart thrum.

"I want that, too. I do, I just...will you let me get this out? I don't know if it'll come out right..."

He nodded his head before leading us back to our blanket. He sat us down facing one another, never letting go of my hand.

"I want us to be sure. I want _you_ to be sure."

He started to interrupt, like I knew he would, but I held up my hand. I pressed my finger to his lips with a smirk, cutting him off. He smiled gently, nodding his head and pressing a kiss to the pad of my finger.

"I don't doubt how you feel about me, Edward. I guess, when you said that you had questioned it, it made me a little scared. I can't just forget what you said, but I know you love me. But it's not about that. I just want you to be you. I want us to be us, with nothing in the way. I don't think it'll be long before you remember everything, remember who you are. I want to wait until you know the truth, when you no longer have empty spaces in your past.

"You said yourself that you didn't feel whole without your memory. I guess I just want there to be nothing between us, just a blank slate. I love you, and I do want to be with you, but I'm scared that it'll be different. And I'm sorry for making you wait, but what if it's not what it's supposed to be? What if you remember things and regret it? I'd rather it never happened, than be left afterwards again."

_Shit. _

Once again I had said far, far too much. The look on Edward's face was one of pain, but there was a shadow there, too. A fleeting trepidation washed through me, but as the shadow disappeared, so did my dread.

He slowly raised his hands until they were in their usual place, his thumbs brushing away tears I hadn't known were falling. He always touched me with such reverence, such care, that it brought more tears to my eyes. I wasn't going to disagree with him, I _was_ that vulnerable, and he was the only one with the power enough to break me.

"I'm never going to change my mind about you, Bella. But if you want to wait, I'll wait. I can see how much you're hurting, I'd have to be blind not to. I just don't ever want to be the cause of it. But something tells me that I am, whether I want to be or not. I'm just not strong enough to face it, Bella. I'm not as strong as you."

I shook my head, knowing his words completely contradicted what I had been thinking.

"You_ are_ strong, Edward. Stronger than anyone...some people have their world's torn apart once and never get over it. You've done it twice already, and you came through fighting. I can forget about it for now if you want, 'cause I'd do anything for you, but there will come a day when you can't hide from it. It might be hurting me, but I don't want to hurt you."

He flinched. And in that one involuntary movement, I knew. He'd already put the pieces together, somewhere deep down in his heart and his head, he knew. Only, he wasn't facing it. He was pushing it back into the darkness, trying to pretend like it wasn't there. He didn't think he was strong enough, so he was ignoring it instead.

He shook his head, looking me in the eye. "Normal, remember? Just for a few weeks?"

I sighed gently and nodded. I was selfish. I wasn't going to deny him this, I wanted it too. I wanted to know what it felt like to go on a date, to sit on the sofa and watch silly films until the small hours of the morning, all the things our relationship had somehow bypassed and forgotten.

"What is normal exactly?" He asked with a smile on his lips. How could he forget all the turmoil so easily? I wished I could switch it off that quickly.

"This, this is normal. Just us, with nothing getting in the way." I pulled him gently back to the blanket and nestled into "the nook." He sighed again, this time in contentment, and I listened as his heartbeat regulated to a soft rhythm beneath my ear.

However, even with his soft breathing and even softer circles being traced into my arm, I couldn't stop the whirring of my thoughts. Even when he fell into a light sleep, my brain wouldn't shut off long enough for me to enjoy the peace and tranquility I should have been experiencing in his arms.

He knew. For some reason that thought made me angry. He already knew, but he was lying to himself, pretending it wasn't there, staring us in the face. How could denying it make it any easier? Sure, if he knew absolutely everything and just didn't want it to be true, his tactics would make more sense. But he didn't and they don't. He only knew bits, pieces of a massive puzzle. His brain knew the rest, but he hadn't just not acknowledged it yet, he didn't even realize he knew.

But this was what he needed. If this was the way he had to deal with it, then I'd give him it. If it gave me a few more precious weeks with him, I'd take it. So when it got too cold to stay out, I woke him gently with a kiss to his soft lips and smiled as he took us home.

I played the part, laughing as he failed to crack an egg properly as we prepared dinner for Charlie. I curled into his side while he watched the game with my father on the television. And most importantly, I told him I loved him, less than a second before I fell asleep, wrapped in his arms.

That part didn't need to be played.

**~FMN~**

"So, what do you think?" Jasper looked at me expectantly, but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. It certainly was what normal couples did, but were we ready for it? I wasn't even sure Jasper was ready for it. I think he was just trying desperately to find an olive branch. I can't say I didn't appreciate the gesture.

"I...I'll need to ask Edward first."

He furrowed his brow, no doubt hearing the hesitance in my voice. Thankfully, though, he didn't push the matter further.

"How is he?"

I smiled, thinking back to our morning in the kitchen.

It had been five glorious days since our rather disastrous night in the meadow. However, since then I had stopped playing the part and actually forgotten, just as Edward had asked me to. Edward had stopped eating his cereal, mid munch, and looked at me from across the table.

"I'm going to see my dad tonight."

The smile that had broken across my face was the same as the one I had given Jasper. I had even leapt from my chair and landed in his lap with a giggle, peppering kisses all over his face.

"He's good. Really good. Carlisle is coming over tonight so they can talk. He was going to go home, but I think he feels more comfortable doing it here."

"Where is he?" His eyes flitted around my living room as if Edward had been there all along and he hadn't noticed.

"Out with Charlie. Dad said they were going to do some male bonding." I shrugged, but before my eyes moved away, I noticed Jasper's face fall and realized my mistake.

We hadn't spoken much since our tearful heart-to-heart, but I would always remember the way he had looked that day. I knew how he felt about Edward taking his place, and telling him he was out bonding with Charlie was only going to do more damage.

Without thinking twice about it, I stood up and made my way over to him. When he didn't move, I raised my eyebrows at him in challenge and he smirked. He opened his arms to me and I fell into them unceremoniously. He groaned from beneath me in an exaggerated way, but we both knew I was still to light to do serious damage to anyone. I snuggled myself into his arms, reacquainting myself with my safe place.

Where Edward made me feel alive, and burn in every single place, Jasper brought me calm and safety. It wasn't fair to compare the two and I had learned not to. I loved them both, and I loved what both of them brought me. I only had to make them see it. Jasper thought he was being replaced and although I had only seen it once, Edward thought he had competition.

_Guys._

"It would be good if you guys came, Bells. I think we could all do with it." He was trying to persuade me.

"All?"

"Yeah, Emmett and Rosalie are coming, too."

"Okay, but I still need to ask Edward. He might not be comfortable with everyone yet."

"That's all I can ask, Bells." He pressed a gentle kiss to my temple and tightened his arms around me in a sort of squeeze-hug.

We sat like that, talking about school, about the Cullens, even the evil twins cropped into our conversation. Supposedly Jessica had made a move on Lauren at the last house party Tyler Crowley had thrown. Supposedly Lauren hadn't run her off. Supposedly Lauren finished her friends with benefits "arrangement" with Eric Yorkie. My jaw didn't leave the floor, both because I hadn't seen it coming, and two I hadn't even noticed at school. Tyler's last house party was over a week ago. I had clearly been so wrapped up in Edward at school that I hadn't noticed _anything_ going on around me. How had I missed that Lauren's blatant ogling had stopped? God, Edward was clearly a dangerous distraction.

It was Monday tomorrow, and I promised myself to pay more attention when I went back to school.

When Jasper got up to use the bathroom, he instructed I put a DVD on to watch because he didn't want to leave me alone until the guys got back. I picked out an action packed newbie, knowing Jazz would enjoy it.

Just as I had suspected, though, I was out like a light long before I could catch what was actually happening.

**~FMN~**

"Bella, wake up, baby." I furrowed my brows in confusion. Jasper wouldn't call me baby. His fingers didn't leave a trail of fire when they traced their way across my jaw. And it was definitely Jasper I had fallen asleep on. It took me a few moments to realize that that obviously meant Edward was home.

_Home, God I love saying that._

"Edward!"

In a move quicker than I believed I was possible of, I was up off the sofa and launching myself at him. I may have slept through my afternoon, but when I awoke I was still acutely aware that I had missed him.

"Hey, what's wrong?" His scent and his arms surrounded me as I settled into his embrace with a soft sigh.

"I missed you?" It came out sounding like a question and Edward's quiet chuckle rumbled through his chest and into me.

"Hmm, I missed you too, sweetheart." I pulled back sharply, a smile fixed on my face. "What?"

"You've never called me that before," I answered, a slight pink heating up my face.

"I'm trying it out." He laughed lightly. "How does it sound?" He looked at me expectantly, and I couldn't help but notice how much lighter he was. He wasn't just smiling, he looked happier, more carefree, and it made me smile wider.

"I love it, and you. I don't think I'd care, as long as it wasn't bad."

He laughed again. "As I love you. I want us to be as normal as possible, so if that means calling you corny names, then I'm going to do it every day."

"I kind of like the sound of that."

He dipped his head slowly, his eyes focused softly on my mouth. His kiss was chaste, but still managed to heat me up from my toes to my head. I tightened my hold on him, so that even when he pulled back from our kiss, I was still attached to him.

There was nothing sexual or overly special about a hug, but with Edward it felt just as magical as anything else we did together. The closeness, sharing breath, his scent all around me, grounded me and sent me soaring simultaneously. Where his kisses could start a raging inferno, his hugs conveyed his love more than anything else.

A throat clearing from behind us broke us from our moment. "As cute as pet names for each other sound, Bells, what's for dinner?" I laughed lightly at my father's question, knowing–like any father–he wasn't comfortable seeing his daughter and her boyfriend together in any way.

"Uh, sorry I don't know. I fell asleep." I chewed my lip, going through the contents of the fridge in my head while Edward looked at me in concern.

"You've been tired a lot lately. Is everything okay?" he whispered, considerate enough to keep his question private.

"Yeah, of course. It's nothing." I smiled brightly and pulled us both up onto our feet. I wanted to change the subject, and I realized there was still something I didn't know. "Where have you two been all day?" Charlie's face brightened as he looked at Edward over my shoulder.

"I took the boy fishing. Took to it like a fish out of water, excuse the pun." Edward's laugh rumbled through me and I looked up at him, pride written across my face.

"It's only fishing, baby. But it was good, the peace…the quiet. I got a lot of thinking done out there." His face became passive, so with a soft smile, I turned and headed into the kitchen. I found Jasper with his head in the fridge and coughed lightly to get his attention. He looked at me sheepishly before shutting the door.

"I was hungry, but I didn't want to wake you up." He grabbed an apple from the bowl on the table and threw himself into one of the chairs. _Guess I was making dinner by myself, then._ "Did you ask Edward?" he asked through a mouth full of apple.

I rolled my eyes, I'd barely even thought about it.

"No, Jasper. I've just woken up, and he's just come in the door. Give me five minutes, will you?" He held his hands up in mock surrender before going back to eating his apple noisily.

"Ask me what?" I turned to find Edward leaning against the door frame, his legs crossed at the ankles. I may or may not have licked my lips as I looked him up and down. He caught me, sending a smirk and a wink in my direction.

"Bells?" Jasper sounded unsure as to whether he should ask him or leave it to me.

"Jasper wanted to know if you and I would like to go camping next weekend with him, Alice, Emmett and Rose. I told him I'd think about it and ask you."

If I was being honest with myself, I wasn't particularly sure _I_ wanted to go. Things with Jasper had been weird for a while, I didn't get along with Alice, I had completely forgotten about my friendship with Rosalie, and the last time I saw Emmett he had unintentionally made my life with his brother harder.

Never mind Edward not being ready for it, I didn't think I was.

"Baby, can we talk for a minute?"

_Great._

I put my knife down and followed Edward out to the front door, where he stopped and pivoted to face me. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, his "hiding from the world" stance, but his face was clear save a tiny bit of concern. For me. _Why was he concerned for me?_

"Why don't you want us to go?" he asked when he had finished searching my eyes.

"I do. I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it," I lied.

"Bells, I can see that isn't the case. Why are you lying about this? If you don't want to go just tell me. Even if you can't tell me the reason. I'm not going to put you through something you can't handle." I could have imagined it, but I thought his eyes flicked to my abdomen quickly before he looked back to me for an answer.

"I just…I don't know what it'll be like. Today is the first time I've spent any time with Jasper in weeks. I hardly know Emmett and somehow I've managed to completely forget that Rose even exists. What kind of friend does that make me, Edward?"

In one large step he was standing directly in front of me and winding his arms around my frame. How did he always know when I needed comfort, before even I did? I relaxed into his chest, feeling the weight of my words bear down on me. _What kind of friend was I?_

"I'm sorry about you and Jasper, because I know it was because of me. But maybe you both need to make the effort to spend more time together. You've been best friends your whole life, Bells. Nothing should be able to come between you, and I don't want you to let it.

"As for Emmett, well he loves you already. He's not a very deep person, baby. Whatever you know is probably all there is to know."

I giggled lightly and felt him smile against my temple.

"And Rose, I can tell you for a fact is only worried about you. I have a hunch that she knows more than anyone else, and if she knows what you're going through then you being absent for a few weeks isn't going to matter to her, as long as you're okay. She loves you, just like Jasper, and just like me. We only want to see you happy and healthy. Why don't you give her a phone and talk to her before you make any decisions?"

I pulled back; amazed that once again, my boyfriend had managed to say the perfect words at the exact moment they were needed. And here I thought I was the wordsmith. Every time he did something along those lines, I fell a little deeper in love with him. Just how far can a person fall?

"I love you," I whispered before reaching onto my toes and pressing my lips tightly against his.

It had been too long since I had felt him this close to me. I had woken alone this morning, simply because my dad had taken him away so early. Although I had done it for sixteen years of my life, I realized that waking up alone was something I never wanted to do again.

"Let's get dinner sorted, shall we?" I nodded and let him lead me back to the kitchen by the hand. I had to put him at ease; tonight was going to be hard on him.

**~FMN~**

"Are you sure about this? I could just sit in my room; I'd still be here if you needed me." I chewed my lip nervously as we all heard Carlisle's car pull into the driveway.

Edward shook his head. "I need you here. Please?" I nodded and gripped his hand tighter. If he didn't want me to leave, then I wasn't going anywhere.

When the doorbell rang, Charlie was the only one willing to answer it. He padded slowly and softly to the door and welcomed Carlisle warmly. I could only look at him over the back of the sofa and smile. I was too nervous for words, and gripped onto too tightly to move.

"Bella, how are you?" His eyes raked over me, his concern for me making me smile. He had read my notes after all.

"I'm okay…" Now was not the time to tell him that there was a list of things wrong. That was what an appointment was for.

"Edward?"

_Please, please don't ignore him. Take a deep breath, let it out slowly, look him in the eye, and tell him the truth. _And he did.

"I've been better, but I guess I've been worse, too." He shrugged non-committedly, trying to cover up how much of a deal this conversation, and how he was feeling, was to him.

Carlisle nodded solemnly from his seat in the armchair my father had vacated. He had his keys firmly clasped in one hand and a bottle of spring water in the other. His scrubs were wrinkled from where he had been sitting in his car and his face was haggard and drawn, days' worth of stubble on his jaw. It was safe to say that Carlisle Cullen had not been having a good fortnight.

"What was in the envelope?" I wasn't the only one who was surprised that Edward spoke up first, or that that's what he chose to ask about. Guilt flowed over me once again because _I_ knew what was in that envelope.

Carlisle's eyes flicked to me as if he had heard my thoughts before he placed his water down and turned his body in Edward's direction.

"You brought it back with you. It's in the car, do you want it or do you want me to tell you?" Edward looked to me then, and I managed to hide my shock in enough time. That envelope had been scattered over the balcony in New York. How did he get it back?

"Maybe both?" Carlisle nodded once again before standing up and heading back to his car.

It only took him a few moments to be back in front of us, holding out all the information Edward was missing about his father and legacy. With a trembling hand he reached out and gripped it tightly, looking like he was afraid of dropping it. His shaking was making me so nervous that I made the decision to take it off him.

With a reassuring squeeze of his other hand, I took the A4 envelope from him and slid my finger under the flap. I locked my eyes with Edward's, ready to stop if he changed his mind. He gave me an almost imperceptible nod and I pulled out the sheets of paper, resting them lightly on my lap. Edward's eyes snapped to the top one, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed loudly.

"You're father's name is Edward Masen, and he owns one of the largest architectural firms in the world. He lives in New York and still works as CEO of Masen Architecture. What I can't tell you, is whether you've met him or not. You didn't stay in Chicago long enough to speak to us and I haven't spoken to Ed since you were two-years old."

Even without looking at him, I could hear the emotion in Carlisle's voice. He was trying to be subjective, to give all the facts without any hint of bias or emotion, and I genuinely wondered how he could do it. How could he tell his eldest child–for all intents and purpose–about his "real" father, and a situation that tore his family apart? Now I knew where Edward got his strength from. He saw it in his father every day.

"But Mom talks to him still, though, right?" Edward raised his eyes to his father and I saw him swallow again as Carlisle slumped in defeat.

"I believe so. She's never denied it, so I believe she went to him when you were in the hospital. And I think that's where she is now." I gasped softly, not quick enough to cover my reaction. I was supposed to be a silent observer, but I couldn't keep the disbelief or contempt from my voice.

"She left you? You've been alone all this time?" I cringed, waiting for Carlisle to tell me it was none of his business, but he only looked at me solemnly.

"She always comes back, Bella. I know you don't agree with anything she's done, and I can't say I blame you, but she's never been able to cope with this." He turned to Edward, who had gone rigid next to me. "Edward, she loves you, you're her son. I know it probably doesn't seem like it, but at the time she thought she was giving you the life you deserved. We were a struggling couple, me straight out of college with debts up to my eyeballs, and Edward had both wealth and stability. It wasn't until he came back to us with you that she realized she had made the wrong choice."

"I'm not asking you to forgive her, or me, but please, at least talk to her." Edward nodded once again before looking back to the yellow sheet of paper I had just passed him, waiting for Carlisle to explain its importance.

"Your father is a very wealthy man, Edward. Every month since the day he left you with us he's been putting money into a fund for you. You could call it a college fund if you wanted, but it's plain to everyone that that kind of money could keep this whole town comfortable for life. I can't speak for his actions, but I guess he was trying to make sure you had the finances you needed for whatever choices you made in life.

"You get limited access to twenty-five percent of the funds when you turn eighteen, and the rest stays locked until your twenty-fifth birthday. It's all yours. No one can tell you what to do with it, and I wouldn't even dream of trying. So in June, that money will drop into a separate account that you can get access to, and you can do what you please with it."

Edward's face was ashen, shock and alarm both plastered across his features. So now he finally knew that in under five months' time he would be a millionaire. Yes, even twenty-five percent of his money made him that. It was difficult to wrap my head around just how many zeroes were printed on that piece of paper.

"Everything else in that envelope probably dulls in comparison. It's really just printed information on your account, your father and his company. I can tell you as much as I know, but all of it is in there. I hope you find whatever you're looking for, Edward, but I also hope that you'll be able to talk to me again someday.

"You are my son, whether some piece of paper says otherwise or not. I adopted you because I knew I'd never want to let you go. I know you're hurting, but I don't want you to think that I don't love you. It may be entirely selfish of me, but I wish you had never found out. Yes, I realize you have every right to that money, and to know your biological father, but no man will love you the same way I do, and I hope you never forget that."

Edward only stared at the paper in his hands, the trembling never ceasing. I watched him closely, but from the corner of my eye I noticed Carlisle pick up his things and stand. He obviously thought Edward needed time to come to terms with everything.

Tears pricked at my eyes as he bent down quickly and pressed a kiss to his sons head, gripping his shoulder briefly. Without any form of recognition, Carlisle turned and headed silently to the door. But something in me couldn't let him go. He shouldn't have to be in so much pain, and walk out of here without anything.

I squeezed Edward's hand before getting up quickly and following his father to the front door. He had it open by the time I made it to him, but he turned quickly at the movement behind him. I watched his face fall when he realized it wasn't Edward and my heart clenched again.

Without over-thinking it, I stepped towards him and wrapped my hands around his middle. Just like that day in his kitchen he froze momentarily before gently hugging me back.

"Thank you. I'm so sorry, but thank you."

He pulled back and looked at me, really looked at me. "Look after my son, Bella. I fear he only has you left now."

A quiet sob escaped my throat as I noticed a tear fall from this man's eye. He always seemed so confident, so assured and strong, but it was obvious that this was tearing him to pieces. And now it had gotten to the stage that even he was losing faith.

"He'll come back, I promise."

He only smiled sadly at my declaration before stepping out and closing the door behind him.

With tears in my eyes, I headed back to my broken boy and curled into his side. Without looking at me, or speaking, he put the papers on the table in front of him and hugged me to him tightly.

"I love you, Edward." It was the only thing that needed to be said, and when he said nothing in return, I didn't panic. I settled deeper into his side and let him work silently through his thoughts.

Maybe now that he had some answers, he'd be able to move forward. He knew I loved him, and he knew his father did, too, and for once I had faith that that might actually get him through this time. He was changing before my eyes every day, and his belief was growing stronger. I could only pray that the strength I saw in him now stayed and tested the trials of time.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Aww, how cute is E with his petnames? And how frustrating is his blankness? :P**

**Have a wee swatch at my blog www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com for the "list" and follow my randomness on twitter = LiveInDakota**

**Oooh and btw! Remember I told you ages ago (like August) that I was nominated for a Twinklings Walk of Fame award? Well, I'm actually nominated for two and the voting has been pushed back yet again! However, I will let you know when it opens, and by that time I will be annoying the hell out of you for some wee votes :)**

**Thank you and goodnight! Lol :)**

**S xx**


	35. Small Chances

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**I know, I know! Y'all hate me and are beginning to hate my long waits! I can't help it! The closer I get to the end of this fic, the less I want to write it :( It's my baby, shoot me, I don't want it to end :O**

**Anyways, massive thank you as always to everyone who has read and reviewed this fic :) I'm only 14 chapters into it on Twilighted, and already they're beating y'all with reviews :P**

**SM owns all things Twilight but all characterisations and plotlines of FMN are copyrighted of LiveInDakota 2010. Just leave me alone :P**

**Enjoy x**

* * *

**Chapter 35: Small Chances**

What if I wanted to break  
Laugh it all off in your face  
What would you do?  
What if I fell to the floor  
Couldn't take all this anymore  
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down  
Bury me, bury me  
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight  
Beg for the rest of my life  
What would you do?

You say you wanted more  
What are you waiting for?  
I'm not running from you

Come break me down  
Bury me, bury me  
I am finished with you.

Look in my eyes  
You're killing me, killing me  
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else  
But nothing seemed to change  
I know now, this is who I really am inside.  
Finally found myself  
Fighting for a chance.  
I know now, this is who I really am.

Come break me down  
Bury me, bury me  
I am finished with you, you, you.

Look in my eyes  
You're killing me, killing me  
All I wanted was you

Come break me down

Break me down  
Break me down

You say you wanted more,  
What if I wanted to break...?  
What are you waiting for?

I'm not running from you.

What if I wanted to break?

_The Kill – 30 Seconds To Mars_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

Edward fell asleep on the sofa, drained, again. Just as I had the night he first arrived on our doorstep, I watched over him. I ran my fingers through his growing hair repeatedly, thinking the same thought as that night. I loved it this length. However, he had mentioned in passing that it was getting too unruly and he'd need to get it "seen to." I didn't like the sound of that. I'd have to remind him just how much I loved it.

It was the perfect length for grabbing onto, burying my fingers in, and finding hours of contentment with. The noises he made when I massaged his scalp, and the way he would relax completely, gave me an immense amount of pleasure just by seeing him calm.

I folded my legs underneath me, keeping my right hand nestled in the hair above his ear. I could hear my dad quietly moving around in the kitchen, but I didn't want to leave Edward. He wasn't suffering, and he wasn't scared, but I wanted to be there just in case.

This time around, I was sure he was angry and defeated. And while feeling like that probably didn't seem any better to him, it was a tangible emotion I could deal with. He was no longer a hollow shell; he was facing things head on, in his own time, and dealing with them in a way that could only make me proud and amazed of his strength. _Again._

My pride welled from the old Bella, the one that had met Edward only eight days after he found out about his family the first time. I knew the way he retreated into himself, only ever seeming to come out to talk or acknowledge me in the first ten days of our friendship. He would stare into space, remaining eerily quiet, and above all, he looked completely broken.

Yes, all of that had happened this time around, too, but it hadn't taken him three months to go back and talk to his dad. He was acknowledging, and he was facing it. A part of me – the typical teenage girl in love for the first time part – hoped that maybe he had only stayed in New York because of me.

I felt partially guilty for thinking that, because then it was down to me that his family had gone so long without him. How would I ever find out? That if, at seventeen he was in love for the first time too, and wanted to spend as much time with me as possible.

I mean, it wasn't that I didn't believe that he loved me, but he had only expressed his feelings the night before I left. Was it possible that he had felt the same way as me, for as _long_ as me? I was pretty sure I had known I was in love with him from that day in the café; the day he kissed me like I was his equal in his apartment, and then again with frozen mouths over ice-cream. When we had walked and talked hand-in-hand to Times Square. When we had laughed at street performers and tourists alike, snapped at least a hundred photos of ourselves and our surroundings, and then returned in the late evening for my first ever romantic meal.

I would only ever know if Edward himself told me. Would he remember details such as those? I had looked his condition up online, and what I had found wasn't the most reassuring. It said that there was a possibility – and I no longer cared how small – that he would only regain the specifics. He would only remember that he spent his summer in New York with a girl, and that that girl turned out to be me.

He had already told me all those weeks ago, that he knew he was in love with "her," because the feeling had overwhelmed him in his memory. He told me in our meadow over the weekend that when he did get flashbacks, they were mainly feelings. He would know what was going on from the emotion that would wash over him.

So, I knew he would remember he loved me, but what about the rest of it? All the little things that caused our relationship to grow? The tiny details that wouldn't normally matter, but Edward had made his mission to find out about me. I supposed he could re-learn those, but what if he never remembered the way he had passionately kissed me in the middle of a New York street in front of his father's office, as his emotions got the better of him.

Would he remember the day we spent in the park, a picnic basket spread out and a hundred little post-it notes scattered over it? He had wanted to learn what my favorite food was; and to this day I don't know if it worked. He had ulterior motives. He would stick the post-it to his forehead, and like any other game; he would try to guess what it was.

Only, in this game, the closer he got to the answer, the closer he got to me. Then, if he guessed it right, he was allowed to kiss me anywhere. There really wasn't a losing situation in that game because he made it so that if he didn't guess it, I had to kiss him. As if it was a hardship.

I sighed lightly, nearly chuckling when Edward did the same in his sleep. It was scary sometimes when I really thought about how much I loved him. But then I considered my life without him. There was no way I ever wanted to live through that again.

In the back of my mind, at the time, I had wondered if I was just being overly dramatic and that Edward not getting in touch wasn't that big of a deal. That maybe I should have just gotten over it and moved on. I scoffed; I didn't think that was possible for me.

It wasn't some high school crush. Yes, he was my first love, and going without experiencing that first all-consuming passion and love was something I wouldn't dream for anyone. I had all that with Edward, but it felt like more. I wanted to believe that he was made for me, that he was it for me. And sitting on my living room floor, watching my boyfriend sleep through his problems, I hoped that everything we had gone through only proved just how true my theory was. I didn't want anyone else; I couldn't imagine ever feeling like this for someone else. I didn't want to.

I may have felt like my strength was crumbling away each day, but if the day ever came, I would fight for Edward and the feelings he gave me for as long as it took. I wasn't going to let him walk out of my life again. I hoped that somehow he'd never want to. That when the truth dawned on him, he'd find it in himself to forgive me, remember how much he loved me, and we'd move on, stronger than before, together. It was possible, if not highly improbable. It was what was keeping me going. There was a small chance everything would work out.

This time it was a good kind of small chance. A small chance I'd willingly put all my faith in and pray for its outcome. This was my life; I wanted to choose how I lived it. And I wanted to live it with Edward by my side.

He stirred underneath my hand and I stilled it, wanting him to have a peaceful – uninterrupted – sleep. I know he had been resting better the past few days, I could see it in him. He seemed more alert, and the bags under his eyes were slowly receding. It made me feel sort of proud of myself that sleeping with me in his arms was helping him. It gave me a sense of fullness to know that I meant the same to him as he did to me.

I briefly wondered how long we could get away with getting around my dad's rules. I found it difficult to even think about not sleeping curled up in him every night. I was certain that the nightmares would return for both of us if he was even as far away as the sofa.

As I thought about him, my dad walked back into the room, his sharp eyes taking in my position on the floor by Edward's head. A small smile settled on his lips as he looked us over before he jerked his head in the direction of the kitchen and walked off.

With a brush of my lips to his forehead and an ear-splitting smile when he sighed my name in his sleep, I got up and followed my dad silently, noticing that I felt lighter than I had in days. It was becoming increasingly obvious that my connection with Edward was more than just skin deep. I didn't care how corny or cliché it sounded, but when he was hurting, I could feel it. The downward spiral he had been on the past few weeks only cemented that fact. Now that he was dealing with all the fucked up issues in his life – _most_ of his fucked up issues – I could feel the stress and strains on our relationship weakening.

Maybe we could be normal. For a little while, at least.

I was surprised when Charlie held out a cup of hot chocolate for me as I entered the kitchen. He hadn't made me hot chocolate since I was small. Any time he and Renee had a "misunderstanding" he would make time for me, bringing me to sit on his lap at the kitchen table with hot chocolate and mini marshmallows.

He had always taken the time to remind me that no matter what happened between them I would be the most important thing to them both. Tears pricked at my eyes at his gesture and the memories attached to it. We had some good times at our kitchen table.

When I got sleepy he would hold me tight and tell me stories, some far-fetched, others more realistic towards his job. He would almost regale me with tales of his "escapades," glamourizing what he did and how he would always catch the bad guy.

I realized then, that at no point in my life had I ever not looked up to my dad. I was proud of being daddy's little girl, but I was prouder of being _my _dad's little girl. He was my hero, my silent protector and my source of comfort, well beyond what a man of little words would be accounted to.

I smiled at him weakly, wondering what conversation called for the mini marshmallows afloat my rich, dark drink. He turned away from me for a moment, only to turn back with his own. My smile grew at the sight of my grown up, wise father drinking hot chocolate with mini balls of fluff on top. He had never had one with me before.

Something told me this conversation would be different. We were different, our lives were different, and I somehow knew he might need the comfort and familiarity that I found in my drink, too.

"I'm really proud of you, Bells."

My throat closed over, the hot drink burning its way down my throat. I hadn't expected him to start like that.

Seeing the growing emotion upon my face, he continued. "I know how hard the past two months have been, and I've tried to be there for you as much as I could –"

"Dad, you've done more than you give yourself credit for…"

I could sense the awkwardness between us, but something told me this conversation had to happen.

"I can't begin to imagine how hard Edward's…condition…has been on you, but I'm so proud of the way you've handled everything and of the person you've grown to be, Bells. That boy is so lucky to have you, and watching you together reminds me of so many things…"

So this was it, this was when we finally discussed the fact that my mother had been MIA for nearly two months. I watched him gulp down the emotion building in him and realized I could empathize completely. I knew exactly what it was like to have the love of your life abandon you, to think they'd abandoned you and your child.

Only, I'd been given another chance, Charlie had to live with the fact that his wife had willingly walked out on her husband and daughter.

He coughed awkwardly, trying to clear his throat. "I am sorry that your mother hasn't been here for you. I can only do so much, Bella, and seeing you go through what you have without a mother makes me sick.

"I know we never really discussed any of it, but that night Carlisle phoned me? The night you tried to…"

He shook his head, his knuckles turning white on the handle of his mug.

The night I had tried to kill myself. Or at least make everything numb for a while. At the time I hadn't realized just how stupid I had been, or how much damage I could have done, I just wanted to let go.

"It scares me that your relationship reduced you to that, Bells. It's not healthy. I know you thought you'd lost him, again, but you tried to -"

He honestly couldn't get his tongue around the words.

"I was stupid, Dad. I wasn't trying to harm myself, not really. I was just sick of being in so much pain. To live every day in a lie, to think that the boy I loved didn't really love me back and was only using me, that he'd changed so much that I no longer recognized who he was? I couldn't handle it. I didn't mean to scare you, and I didn't do it for attention. I just wanted to forget.

"And that makes me feel worse, you know? He's gone through so much, hell, he's _still _going through so much, and there was me, wanting to be like him. How wrong is that? I actually wanted to swap places with him – I wanted to be the one who had forgotten.

"I love him so much, Dad, but what kind of person does that make me? He doesn't deserve someone like me. Someone who still wishes that I was the one being lied to instead of the one doing the lying.

"I wake up every single morning and wish with everything in me that he was back to normal. That he remembered, remembered it all. All the little details about me and our time together. That we'd skipped the part where he finds out and hates me for it, that we'd got through it together without him leaving me behind. And for those few, blissful minutes I'm truly happy. But then it all comes crashing down around me and I have to smile and pretend again.

"I…why am I telling you all this?" I laughed humorlessly, my jaw clenched, only realizing I had been rambling.

"You need to talk to someone, Bells."

I looked up at the sound of his voice, noting with shock that he looked scared. My dad never looked afraid. He was always the strong one.

I shook my head. "No, I need to talk to _him._ He's the only one that can make me better. His forgiveness is the only thing that can make me right again, Dad, and I'm so scared, because I might never get it. I have to live every day with the possibility that it's my last. That he'll remember, or I'll slip up and he'll see me for what I really am. I have to live with the possibility that he'll leave me again, and this time he won't ever come back.

"I'll have run off two people, how can I live with that? What do I do after that day, Dad? Cause I honestly don't know…" I placed my mug down on the table, the fluffy sweetness forgotten.

"You did not run your mother off, Isabella. If I ever hear you say that again, I'll be extremely disappointed." He sighed, roughly rubbing the stubble on his chin with his fingertips. "Renee…she's always been free-spirited, you know that. She would have a new flighty idea every couple of weeks, and for a long time I found it hard to keep up.

"But when she found out she was pregnant with you, it was like everything finally slipped into place. She nested, she blossomed, she loved you with her whole heart and my whole world was complete.

"I – I don't know what happened, Bells. New York was blissful, you were blossoming into a young woman and we could both see it. She was so proud of you; her little girl growing up was like her whole world falling into place, _for her,_ finally.

"But, over the months after we returned, it was like she resented everything around her. She became angrier and more resentful as the weeks went by and I couldn't figure out why…"

I was struggling to breathe normally. How could he not see? How could he not blame me?

"It was me, Dad. Don't pretend. She knew there was something wrong, she was angry because I wouldn't talk to her. Her little girl had grown up, or so she thought. She knew I was keeping secrets from her, and I'd never even told a lie before. It is my fault she's gone…"

"Don't!"

I flinched as my dad's hand hit the table. I wasn't throwing myself a pity party; I was only telling it how it was. I had seen it happening before my eyes, but until now I had never really addressed it. I could see it clear as day now, how every time I pulled away from her, her reactions grew from defeat to anger. The way her tone changed from concern to control.

"We both knew there was something wrong, Bells. We weren't blind. It was not your fault. You went through something that neither of us could really understand. Even if you had told us, it was likely neither of us would have been able to help. She's a grown woman, Bells. She shouldn't have taken it personally; she shouldn't have started resenting everything around her because her life was getting hard again. That was all on _her_, never you, do you hear me?"

I nodded, my eyes on the table as I breathed deeply, successful in my attempt to not cry.

"She…she changed. It wasn't you, or me. Something in her changed, I could see it in her eyes. Like, some disease was eating away at her on the inside, changing her, taking her away piece by piece."

My head shot up. I'd never noticed, but then, why would I? I hadn't paid either of my parents any attention.

"I'm not saying she was ill, Bells, but it's the only explanation I can come up with. I'm no doctor, but a mother can't just change all her instincts. Once you're a parent, you're a parent for life. Nothing can change that, but she just…shut down. It was as if the life around her no longer existed. She was set on finding the source of what had triggered it all going wrong.

"She went back to New York, Bells. I don't know if she's still there, or if she's okay, but I will not hear you blaming yourself, okay? I know I failed you by not talking this through with you, but so much happened, and then you were finally happy again, I couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry I kept it from you, and I'm really, _really_ sorry she's not here, kiddo. I know there's only so much a dad can do, and it's not like that kid's mother can help you through this." He jerked his head in the direction of the living room and my heart cracked yet again.

"I don't need anybody but you, Dad. You've – I just – I can't –" I gave up on trying to explain and stood from the table, sitting myself down on his knee like I used to.

I had lost count of the amount of times he had held me, keeping me together, over the past weeks. Hugging me, soothing me when everything fell to pieces again and again.

His strong, familiar arms wrapped around me tightly. He was everything that Jasper and Edward were put together. Home, safe, happy, loving, gentle, protective, slightly overboard with worry, but completely and utterly devoted to his job, me.

I burrowed into his old fashioned plaid shirt, reveling in the scent of detergent and basic cologne that came from him.

"I love you, Bells. And I know this is a moot point by now, but Edward's a good kid, and I'm really happy you have him. It's good to know that you'll have him when I'm not around. He's different from Jasper, his love for you is almost overwhelming. I can see it when I look at him, he looks at you like I used to look at your mother. But there's more. It's like he's attached to you. You move, he moves. He's so attuned and protective that I know that if there's ever a time I'm not here, you'll be cherished and safe. That's all a father can ask for."

He took in a deep shuddering breath, as if he hadn't planned on his speech. I pulled back and looked at him, knowing he meant every word. I couldn't believe that this was the same man, the same Charlie, spilling his heart to me and breaking down in front of his daughter.

But his words had hit a nerve. I was only seventeen, I never wanted to think about my dad not being around, and he had said it twice.

"You'll always be around, Dad…you don't need to worry about me…" I knew when I said them that I sounded childishly optimistic.

"I'm not planning on going anywhere, Bells. But I know that when the time comes, you two will still have each other. What you have only comes around once, and while there's breath still in me, I won't let either of you forget it."

I launched back in, squeezing my dad as tightly as I could. Whether he had meant it or not, his words gave me both comfort and hope. He was so much wiser than either of us, had seen more of life_, knew_ more of life, and he was sure we could make it. I could totally take that and run with it.

My head whipped around at the sound of a throat clearing quietly from behind me.

Edward stood, in all his tired, crumpled form, watching us with a serene look on his face. He seemed temporarily uncomfortable, obviously wanting to make it look like he hadn't been eavesdropping but was awake nonetheless.

With a sort of gentle push, Charlie nudged me in his direction. Without thinking twice about it, I stood up and crossed the distance between us.

I could tell from the way he looked at me that he had heard Charlie's last statement, and it solidified it in my mind. If we both knew that others had unconditional faith that we could do this, then maybe we'd realize that we could do it. That we really could get through anything, knowing things much worse were on their way.

He smiled at me sweetly before I tucked my head under his chin and our arms wound their way around each other. Unconditional love, heat, happiness, safety, home. I squeezed myself closer and inhaled deeply, blushing when Edward chuckled lowly in my embrace. Was I that obvious?

"I think you kids should get to bed, it's been ah…a long day."

Edward sighed gently, and I followed suit.

It had been a long day, and we'd both had emotionally exhausting conversations, but I was sighing for a completely different reason. There was no fooling Charlie tonight. There was no way of getting around his ban, and in my head I was preparing to say goodbye to Edward.

I was so emotionally codependent that I was having to prepare myself for a goodnight. My pathetic ways knew no bounds. Was I seriously one of those clingy girlfriends that demanded too much time, too much contact?

I didn't want to let him go. No, it was more than that. I didn't want him to let me go. I didn't want him to want to let me go either. I'd be so much more comfortable in my pathetic state if I knew he felt the same way. I kind of thought he did.

I squeezed Edward tighter as my dad finished washing our cups out and made his way towards us. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head lightly before what felt like clapping his hand to Edward's shoulder.

"Just…keep the door open, okay? This is still my house…"

I lifted my head from "the nook" to stare at my dad's retreating form. Once again he had stepped up, showing his understanding and observance. Maybe I was too needy, after all, even my dad could see it.

"Love you, Daddy…"

Edward's arms squeezed me momentarily and I saw a smile break across his face from the corner of my eye.

"I love you, too, kid."

I was pretty sure there was a shit eating grin on my face as he made his way quietly up the stairs. When I turned back to the boy holding me tightly, I was one hundred percent, because I was mirroring his.

I briefly thought there was something wrong, my heart sinking in my chest, as his face sobered up. But the only thing I could detect in his eyes was sincerity and love, my two favorite things. Well, apart from lust, but I could only blame myself for the lack of sex in our relationship.

His soft, warm lips met the middle of my forehead, sending a ripple of warmth across my skin, soothing me from any heartache of the night. He breathed deeply through his nose, his whole body relaxing as he continued our connection. He did feel it, too.

Just having him hold me was enough to get me through the night. The hard parts were over for both of us. We were back wrapped up in each other's warmth with only a night's sleep to think about. Tomorrow was another day, probably with more trials than victories, but small successes at a time were enough to make me believe in us.

Both of our mothers were distinctly absent and both of us had been reassured and consoled by our dads. Edward's talk might not have ended in a family hug like mine had, but there was no doubt in my mind that his relationship with his father was on track to mend.

"Will you be able to sleep?" I asked him quietly.

I pulled back and glanced at the clock, realizing that it was after midnight and Edward had slept for a few hours already.

He hooked his finger gently under my chin and turned my face back to his sweet smile again.

"I don't need to sleep, as long as I'm holding you."

_Thump._ God, I honestly didn't know if he knew what he did to me when he said things like that.

His eyes flicked between mine, as if reading my thoughts. I blushed, if he was able to read thoughts, it would make things a hell of a lot more interesting in regards to my plea of abstinence.

However, the blood drained from my face again. If he could read my mind, he wouldn't still be standing there, he'd have found out the truth a long time ago. His chuckling brought me out of my own head and I cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Your thoughts change so quickly. I'd give anything to be in that beautiful head of yours," he murmured quietly, bringing me back into his arms.

"I'll swap you. I can't escape my thoughts." The words were out of my mouth before I realized what I had implied. Exactly what I had just told my dad – that I would rather be him than me.

He pressed his forehead to mine, his breath washing calmly over my face. My eyes traced his for any sign that I'd crossed a line, but he didn't seem too bothered by my newest declaration.

"If I could take it all away for you, I would, Bella. I promise, I would."

I brought my hand up to the side of his face, my lip trembling between my teeth. He was too good to be true. He smiled when my fingers caressed our pattern under his right eye and down to his jaw, lingering over his lips in a sort of promise.

"I love you."

It always seemed strange to me, how different that one phrase could sound. It was almost as if it was more potent, stronger in bond when said in a whisper. It was reverent, private and perfect.

"We can get through anything," he replied. He took my father's previous words and turned them around on us. He wasn't hoping, or looking for reassurance, he was telling me.

In the space of a few days he was confident in us. He was sure that yes, there was more to come, but yes, we'd get through it anyway.

Taking his hand firmly in mine, I switched the kitchen light off and headed down the hall to the stairs. We had to stop and start as I made sure everything was off and the door was securely locked, but he didn't drop his grip on my hand once. It made things notably harder, but I didn't let go either.

I left him on his side of my bed as I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. My heart still hammered out of rhythm when I saw him lounging half naked on my bed, but I was too tired, drained to rethink my vow. Yes, I wanted him, it was plainly obvious, but that was another step I wasn't quite ready for.

I smiled at him so happily that he looked momentarily confused, probably wondering what on earth I was thinking about. The fact that he was waiting for me to be ready for that step, made my heart swell more. He knew I wanted him, he could read me like a book, but he was also listening to my head.

He probably didn't understand why I had put a ban on sex, but he hadn't questioned it, or me, and had just relaxed into the ride. He was with me in this and I had to put faith in that. I had to put faith that he'd always stick by me.

Like the small odds on him recovering fully from his head injury, this was another thing I was willing to bet on.

"You look like you won the lottery between the bathroom and here…" He chuckled lightly and I reveled in the sound. It had been a long time since I had heard Edward crack a joke or make a snarky comment; I had missed it.

I climbed into my bed beside him, immediately shuffling into the space that was made for only me at his side. "I have everything I could ever want already. You make me happy." I thought he might laugh, but it never came.

"You're everything to me, Isabella Marie Swan. I promise to prove it to you every day of forever. I won't ever let you go."

I had nothing to say in return to that. The tears pricked at my eyes, but for the first time in what felt like months, they were happy tears. There was a lot of promised future in that statement and I wasn't sure if he'd meant it that way.

My heart skipped more than one beat when I realized it sounded a lot like a proposal from my romantic novels. Could he have known that?

I pushed myself up, looking him square in the eye. He smiled again as he brushed my hair behind my ear, but I just stared in return, as if trying to figure him out.

When he opened his mouth again, I'd have sworn he could read my mind. "Forever, I promise."

I didn't miss the way his hand clasped my left one, or that he tried to distract me with his kissing prowess. I didn't think he meant to say quite so much, but rather than go back on it, he reiterated it.

As I lost myself in his kiss, I could have sworn that his fingers were brushing circles around my ring finger.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**What just happened? :O**

**Lol, I know this was shorter and not much happened, but I hope you realise that that conversation was a long time coming and needed to happen before Bella could move on :)**

**Let me know what you think, please :)**

**Follow me on twitter for teasers and trivia at LiveInDakota**

**xx**


	36. Catch My Breath

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**So, I need y'all to pay attention to this one. Some have expressed their worry over how Edward is going to react when he finds out the truth and some have told me that the fact that he already knows and is refusing to face it is stupid and that my characterisation of him will be shit if he does react badly.**

**To that, all I can say is that you are all entitled to your own opinions, but no one is making you read this fic. If you don't like my Bella then don't read. She was a whiny little bitch in the books so I really don't see how this is too OOC :P Yes she cries a lot, but you can't expect everyone to go through what they have and come out stronger. I have said before that she has suffered a lot, as you know. She is strong, she just hasn't realised it yet. If you can't wait for that, then you know what to do.**

**As for Edward, I hope this chapter clears things up for a lot of you. No one _ever_ said that he already knew. If that's how you picked it up fine, but I have never said those words, so you can't complain to me about how he is acting. Until now you haven't really known how he feels. However, I have always done my best to reply to reviews and concerns, so most of you will know that I had something up my sleeve :P**

**Okay, that so didn't sound bitchy! Aha, I apologize to the majority of you who have encouraged and supported me despite disagreeing with my choices :P I love you all and I thank you for your continued reviews and support :)**

**Anyways, again I love you and I really hope this helps with how you're feeling and I hope you enoy it :P**

**xx**

* * *

**Chapter 36: Catch My Breath**

We were still in high school  
When I first met you  
Even then you were the prettiest girl  
That I ever knew  
And we carved our name on  
Everything, that we could find  
The way that all kids do

And although time has passed  
I still get surprised  
At the pulling in my chest  
When I know you're coming by  
If this feeling's proving anything  
It's not everything  
Is gonna change with time  
You're still mine

Did you know when you're around  
My heart won't, it can't slow down?  
It beats so hard, it makes it hard  
To catch my breath, to catch my breath.

Don't ever ask me if I'm sorry  
Or that I'm here with you  
Baby you can bet  
I don't regret, the girls I never knew  
Every day's another first  
Another chance for me  
To fall in love with you  
And I do:

Did you know when you're around  
My heart won't, it can't slow down?  
It beats so hard, it makes it hard  
To catch my breath, to catch my breath.

Oh… when you're with me  
I stop seeing  
Any way to fail, how do I explain?  
I try to tell you what I'm feeling  
But how do I when all words fail…

Did you know when you're around  
My heart won't, it can't slow down?  
It beats so hard, it makes it hard  
To catch my breath, to catch my breath

Did you know when you're around  
My heart won't, it can't slow down?  
It beats so hard, it makes it hard

To catch my breath…

_Catch My Breath – Westlife_

* * *

EPOV

Three days had passed since our respective heart-to-hearts with our fathers, and things were looking up. I almost didn't believe it myself. How many times had I said that in the course of our relationship?

Charlie seemed even more at ease around us when we were in his home, and, with that, Bella was happier and more relaxed. She'd keep a hold on my hand instead of letting go, she'd let me hold her on the sofa as we watched TV with Charlie, and she even flirted with me over the dinner table.

I had only seen Carlisle fleetingly since his visit to the Swans, and while it wasn't completely cold, it wasn't all hugs and smiles either.

Bella had tugged me along to the store with her while she picked up some supplies for dinner on Wednesday night. My talk with Carlisle had only been two nights prior, but when we saw him wandering the fruit aisle, she had tugged me once again in his direction.

"Dr. C?"

My dad swivelled on the spot, and I watched as his eyes widened in surprise before a small smile broke across his face.

"Bella!" His eyes flicked away from her and settled on me. "Son." He nodded in my direction, his tone more sombre, and I nodded back.

Sensing the awkward tension settling over us, he spoke again. "How are you feeling, Bella?"

I smiled secretly, having witnessed the doctor in my father emerge in any situation on many occasions throughout my life. It was what he knew best, it was how he lived his life most of the time. To switch it off couldn't have been easy.

"I'm good actually. I'm pretty much back to normal." She smiled, and I squeezed her hand. She looked up at me sweetly, and I was pretty sure that right then she could have asked me to do anything and I would have done it without a second's hesitation.

"Edward?"

I knew what he was asking, but I didn't know how to answer.

_When are you coming home?_

While I was in my element living with Bella and being so close to her all night and all day, I knew it wasn't going to last. I had to go home, but discounting my inability to be away from my girl, I honestly didn't know when I would be ready for it.

"I'm – _we're_ good."

Bella snuggled herself into my side with a squeeze of my fingers. She seemed to like that particular jumper because she was always snuggling up into it when I had it on. Or maybe she just loved snuggling up into me. I smiled, and in turn, so did Carlisle.

He nodded, his eyes flicking between Bella and I almost in reminiscence. "If you ever want to talk, you know where I am. Both of you."

The fact that Carlisle always knew when not to linger, and when things were awkward was one of the things I loved about him. He bid his farewells to us both, picked up a bag of apples and walked away.

That was two days ago. I had sent a text to his phone letting him know that I was heading camping with Emmett, Alice and all our respective partners, just so he knew my whereabouts, but that was the extent of it. I thought I at least owed him that; I didn't want him worrying about me if he couldn't get a hold of me; even if he could just ask Charlie.

I hadn't so much as talked Bella into going, but we had discussed it in a very adult way. It could have been comical, the way we weighed the pros and cons of such a trip, but we came to the conclusion that if it was truly awful for either of us, we could always just come back home.

Before Jasper had mentioned it to Bella, I had planned on making this weekend our first date, seeing as we had never actually been on one, but I had reluctantly pushed it back.

I recognized how important it was for Bella to reconnect with her two friends, and to see if she could build some sort of bridge with Alice. I didn't know what had happened between them, and Bella seemed reluctant to share, so I had let it go.

It had the potential to be a complete disaster, but we were at least trying. I had consequently pushed back our date to the following weekend, finding that the extra time to plan for it was proving helpful. She had no idea I was planning anything, and I decided to keep it that way.

We had spent little time just the two of us, and I realized that our relationship had progressed extremely quickly without going anywhere near the usual paths. No first date, no outings with friends, and no sex. We were writing our own rules as we went. Whether it was working or not I didn't think either of us could tell, simply because it had been such a clusterfuck already.

I sat in the chair in the corner of Bella's room, watching quietly as she packed up her things. Emmett had decided it would be easier if we went straight from school and camped Friday and Saturday night. According to him it would take us about an hour to drive to the permitted site, and we were each taking our own cars with our own girlfriends.

This was one of the points that had swayed Bella. She was riding with only me, sharing with only me, and I had assured her I would bring her home if she just said the word. We were in this experience together.

"Are you sure you have everything?" Her soft voice sounded slightly panicked, and I chuckled before I could stop myself. She wheeled around, hands on her hips and a stern look on her face.

I had to hold my hands up in surrender, worried she might attack me. "Emmett brought it all by last night, love. A three man tent so we have a bit of extra space, two extra warm sleeping bags – even though we'll only be using one – an air mattress because I don't want you to be uncomfortable…what with…you know..." I waved in her general direction, not sure if I should bring up her surgery or not.

"Two torches in case we lose one, two blow up pillows and an extra blanket…all you need to worry about is packing some warm clothes, I don't want you catching a cold."

The soft smile on her face confused me, she had been angry not five minutes prior. I could see her eyes glistening and prayed to all that was holy that they were happy tears or fucking hay fever or something. I could not handle her crying at all, and she seemed to be doing it all the damn time. Not that I could blame her.

"Bells?"

She moved quickly as she launched herself across the room and onto my lap. All the wind left my body in an audible whoosh as I held her to me.

"I love you so much," she mumbled into my chest.

"Ok-ay…what brought this on?" I stroked my hands up and down her back, thankful that she seemed relatively calm in my arms.

"You just…you're always thinking about me and looking after me. Even when everything else is fucked around you, you're still worrying about me. And I love you, I can say it whenever I want." She looked up at me and giggled lightly. She had a point there.

"I'll always be looking after you, beautiful…I don't know what I'd do if something ever happened to you…especially if I could have prevented it…"

She squeezed me as tightly as her little arms could and I found comfort in the gesture.

She pulled her head back and attacked my mouth with hers in a movement so unexpected that I froze momentarily. When she twisted my hair in her hands almost painfully, I groaned and opened my mouth to her.

Kissing Bella was never monotonous or vanilla or boring or any other adjective like that. Every single time her lips touched mine, either in a soft peck or a demanding passionate kiss like this one, it felt completely new and different to me.

It was in the way she invaded my senses. It was never just a kiss, or just a hug. Her scent would surround me, her warmth bringing me a comfort I never imagined in my wildest dreams. I could hold her for hours, never becoming uncomfortable or bored, just listening to her soft breathing or voice as she told me something seemingly unimportant about her. Nothing was unimportant about my Bella, I wanted to know every little detail and drown in them.

She moaned lowly, bringing my attention back to the task in hand. It wasn't beyond my notice that she was still sitting on my lap and I was becoming very uncomfortable very quickly below where she was perched. But she had put a ban on any sexual activity, not ready after everything that had happened to her. Just because we couldn't didn't mean my dick knew not to respond. Fuck, when it came to Bella, I didn't think my dick knew how _not_ to respond.

I groaned again when her warm hands swept down over my shoulders and started exploring my back as far as she could reach. Her hands on my body, even over my t-shirt were not helping matters south of the border, but I didn't have the will enough to stop her, it felt too good.

When she pulled away, I thought she was stopping for us, but instead, her hands trailed down the front of my chest and stopped at the hem of my t-shirt.

"I want this off."

Fuck if her demanding things wasn't hot as hell.

"Bella…I don't think –"

"Please, Edward? I just want to feel you, just for a little while…I always feel like –" She stopped abruptly and focused her eyes on a spot over my shoulder.

"Always feel like what, baby?"

Her lips picked up at the corner at my choice of nickname.

"Like I can't get close enough, like, no matter how close we are I always want more. It's driving me crazy…" She sighed gently and I felt my heart clench in my chest. How was it possible that we always felt the same way?

I cradled her face gently in my hands and made her look at me before I spoke. "You know it's the same for me, right? I just don't want to get carried away. It's hard enough for me to stop as it is…"

She nodded in response, looking up at me from under her lashes. I groaned again before quickly pulling off my top and discarding it on the floor beside us. Her eyes immediately fixed themselves on my uncovered skin, seconds before her fingers started tracing the same paths.

There was no way she couldn't feel my muscles clenching under her touch, and I noticed her smile every time I jerked at the contact. The fact that she was smiling was enough for me to relax and watch her quietly. It seemed like such a trivial thing to say, but it was rare to see Bella completely carefree and content. Even if she was happy, there was still the underlying concern and guilt for the things we were dealing with.

There were still those times when I would catch her watching me. Intently studying me as if committing me to memory, but it was different from the way I did it to her. I did it because I wanted to catalogue all the little changes, fascinated by the way she was still growing up before me.

When Bella did it, it felt eerily different; as if she might never get the chance again. Like she felt as if I was about to disappear and she needed to have as much of me in her memory before that happened.

It was hard to face, knowing that no matter what I said, she still felt guilty. I saw both her disappointment and relief when I asked her to hold back, telling her I wasn't ready for that conversation. I didn't want to lose her.

I guess it made sense. She had told me we had met before - for how long in New York I still wasn't sure. But as the weeks had passed, and Bella's uncertainty and guilt had grown, it became increasingly obvious she was hiding something more important than that.

She knew who the girl in my memories was. It was the only outcome I could come to. Maybe I had met them both, maybe I had introduced them, but I was becoming more sold on the idea that Bella knew the girl I had fallen in love with.

Which, to me, explained her behaviour. She was distant when we met, panicky and resistant to letting me get too close. She hadn't wanted much to do with me at first, as if she were shocked to even see me again.

It hurt to think that she wanted so little to do with me when I was drawn to her the second my eyes settled on her. But she _had_ fallen in love with me, she was _in_ love with me, and it was one of the best feelings in the world.

But I had loved _her,_ too. I could sense it; feel the power of it when I had a flashback. It wasn't some summer fling; I had been in love with her, too. Bella knew that, I'd told her, but I was sure she knew anyway, like she'd witnessed it first-hand.

Her guilt, it seemed to me, stemmed from the fact that she had fallen in love with me. Maybe she wasn't supposed to, she tried not to, but it had happened anyway. She felt guilty because she knew who the other girl was, but had taken her place.

It terrified me to no end, knowing there was someone else out there whom I owed a very lengthy explanation, but I was in love with Bella, I couldn't see myself changing on that, ever. Yes, that made me a complete jerk, being in love with two different girls, but it wasn't that way at all. I had _been_ in love with my mystery girl. Now, I was solely in love with Bella.

And yes, that made me a douche, too. How could I so easily brush away another person's feelings like that? But I wasn't. I didn't know her, her name, her face, or her secrets. Until I came face-to-face with her again, there was nothing I could do about it. I'd have to face up to my choices and decisions eventually, and I knew it was inevitable that I hurt someone, but right now, the only one I wanted was Bella.

I couldn't dwell on the feelings of someone I didn't know and had a chance of never remembering. I wanted to live in the moment, and that was by loving Bella, and being loved by Bella. If that made me a bad guy, then so be it. I wasn't selfless or heroic, not in the slightest. I had been to my own personal hell and back and fuck it; I was going to start living my life for me.

Bella had seemed to understand why I wasn't ready, but I hoped she knew it was because I didn't want to lose her. She had said before that she was scared of losing me, like once I knew the truth I would somehow turn on her. It baffled me how she could think that. She knew how much I loved her, something like that couldn't change overnight.

I had already come to terms with the fact that she was lying to me. When we had first met I had expressed my fear of having someone else keeping things from me, but she was doing it for me. True, everyone else had been doing it for me too, but I knew that Bella loved me, and the fact that she was suffering because of her lies, too, made it much more palpable. She was hurting herself to keep me safe, or sane.

There was no doubt in my mind that Carlisle had told her what the doctors had said, and it warmed my heart that she was willing to do that for me. It was becoming more obvious as the weeks went by that it was bringing her down and causing her pain, but she continued with it anyway.

Her tiny hand was suddenly cupping my cheek and her fingers tracing that all too familiar pattern around my eye. I smiled at her, shaking my head to rid myself of my thoughts.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" she asked quietly. The concern was back in her eyes and I cursed myself for ruining the moment.

"You," I replied simply. She seemed to find it puzzling that I would be thinking about her, so I decided to clarify. "I love seeing you smile." It wasn't exactly a lie, I had been thinking that. I just left the rest of the fucked up shit out.

She blushed under my gaze and lowered her eyes to where her hands were resting gently on my chest.

"We're trying to be normal. _I'm_ trying to be normal."

Somehow she had managed to take my comment as an insult. I hooked my finger under her chin and turned her head up so she'd look at me.

"You're far from normal, Bella. You are so much more than that, and you are so much more than I ever believed I'd have. You're perfect for me, no matter how you feel or what you do. You have a beautiful smile; obviously, I didn't mean it as anything other than what it sounded like."

She trapped her bottom lip between her teeth while she searched my eyes. She wouldn't find anything but love and sincerity in there, I was sure of it.

"You make me happy," she answered softly. I smiled despite myself. Don't judge, it feels good to hear something like that.

"As you do me. But I think you know that." I winked good naturedly and watched as her whole face transformed from vulnerable to optimistic.

She bent forward slowly, her fingers spreading out on my chest, the fire in her touch spreading out. "I love you, Edward Cullen." She was so close that her words whispered across my lips before I claimed her mouth once again. If we were being "normal" then we were going to be doing a lot more of this.

I bit her lip gently, holding it there as her breathing stuttered around us. She whimpered at the contact, her hands moving up to my shoulders to give her something to grip onto.

The feeling of her short nails digging into my skin was so foreign and I was seriously enjoying her movements too much. This couldn't go any further, but fuck if I wanted it to. I wanted her so badly that I don't think she even realized how much I suffered when we were even remotely close.

It wasn't her fault. Long before we had even discussed sex, I had felt like that. I remembered the days I would watch her in the lunch hall at school with Jasper and the jealousy I felt. The night she came round to my house for the first time and I had spilled water down her. I groaned as I remembered the sight of her nipples standing at attention.

Without really thinking about what I was doing, one of my hands gently travelled south, down over her shoulder and rested just above her right breast. I could feel her heart pounding under my touch, and felt a swell of pride that it only did that for me.

"Your heart is flying…" She only nodded in response, looking too spaced out to form a coherent sentence. I did that.

With her eyes closed tightly as she tried to get a handle on her breathing, I realized she had tensed somewhat. I couldn't push her.

"I won't touch you until you tell me I can, Bella. I won't ever push you, you know that, right?"

Her eyes snapped open and I noticed there was sadness and gratitude etched in them. She nodded her head softly before tucking herself into my embrace, her head buried in the crook of my neck.

"We'll be late for school if we stay like this, but I don't really care if you don't…" I spoke up after a few minutes, trying to ease her tension. I sighed gently when she giggled softly, but she made no move to get up from my lap.

"I need to finish packing…" She still didn't move.

"And I need to get the food from the fridge…" I countered.

"We should probably double check everything when we put it in our car…"

I wondered why I had suddenly stopped breathing until I went over her last statement. It had always been my car. My car had always been my baby, before the accident and after. I was one of those jerks who loved his car and wouldn't let anyone touch it. It always took precedent over Tanya or the guys, and I knew I spent a ridiculous amount of money keeping it as perfect as I could.

But in comparison to Bella? None of it mattered. It was just a car, a nice car sure, but nothing as important as my girl. I had stopped spending so much time worrying about dirty footprints, and I'd started going longer than a few days without washing it.

She had said "our car." Probably because we were riding together, she probably hadn't thought anything of it, but to me it held some sort of promise. No, it wasn't a house, or a bank account, but it was something. I was such a fucking sap.

"Come on, let's not ruin that perfect record of yours…" I pushed her up gently, exaggerating my effort my puffing in exhaustion. She laughed and punched me lightly before turning her attention back to the bag on the bed.

I left the room quietly, picking my own from the floor and taking it down the stairs with me. It was only minutes later that I heard Bella making her own way down. I continued packing our cold food into the cool box and smiled to myself when her arms wound their way around my waist. She rested her chin in the middle of my back, making me arch it from the contact. She giggled lightly and rested her cheek where her chin had been with a squeeze of her hands.

It hadn't escaped my notice that she had been a lot more hands on this morning than she usually was, but I was a guy, I wasn't going to question it. No, I was going to roll with it and take as much as I could get.

I closed the lid over, making sure nothing was capable of falling over or spilling on the journey. Bella seemed reluctant to let me go so I turned gently in her arms and held her to me, my chin resting lightly on the top of her head.

"Are you okay, love?"

My hands continued to sweep over her hair and down her back as she nodded into my chest.

"Can you – can we make sure we stay together this weekend? I don't think I could handle it without you there with me."

I pulled back and pushed her chin up so she'd meet my eyes.

"Hey. We've gone over this. You'll be lucky if I let you go for even a minute. I don't want you further than two feet from my side, you hear?"

She cracked a smile and nodded again. Rising onto her tiptoes, she pressed a chaste kiss to my lips before pulling away completely.

"Come on, you. We need to get to school. We can't have the future doctor missing math…" She tugged on my hand as she headed for the door, but I didn't move.

Usually she realized her mistakes before I did, but this time she was completely oblivious. We had definitely never had the "what do you want to do when you leave school" talk. Not this time around anyway.

"A doctor, huh?" I asked teasingly, hiding the alarming rate my heart was beating at. She turned back to me slowly, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

I pulled her back to me, raising my hand and releasing her lip with my thumb.

"It's okay. I shouldn't be that surprised. I always wanted to be one. I guess we can blame Carlisle for that."

"You could be anything you wanted, E. You're so smart, and talented. You've got the whole world at your feet." She smiled brightly, seemingly thankful that I had taken her latest slip so well. I thought I had taken most of them well, but I guess she always worried what the truth would do to me.

"Says the resident genius…"

She blushed and I smirked. How could she not take a compliment like that?

She seemed to deliberate for a moment before pulling me out of the room. I grabbed the cool box and then slung our bags over my shoulder, not letting her carry anything. I didn't care if she was well past her recovery time, I wasn't chancing anything.

"I want to tell you something, but we can do it in the car. I don't want to be late."

My heart sank, guessing that whatever it was she had to tell me I wouldn't particularly like.

I threw our bags into the trunk beside all the camping gear Emmett had dropped off, sat the cool box behind Bella's seat, and made sure my guitar was safely wedged on the back seat so it wouldn't topple over.

Sliding into the driver's seat, I had to wipe my clammy hands on my jeans before I turned the key in the ignition and put the car in gear. I went back over our conversation to see if I could figure out what had triggered her want to talk. Instead, something else caught my attention.

"Wait…did you call me E?" I chuckled despite the turmoil happening in my head, and turned to face my girlfriend.

"No…um, yeah, maybe?"

I laughed again when she blushed and smiled sheepishly. It seemed she hadn't really realized either.

"I liked it. At least it's not Eddie…" I shuddered in exaggeration and chuckled along with Bella's light bell-like laughter.

Deciding to bite the bullet, I weaved my fingers through hers and took a deep breath. "So, what do you want to tell me?"

"I – in September, when I went back to school, I was only set on one thing. I wanted to keep my head down and just get school over with. I buried myself in my school work, I didn't go out, I didn't see anyone but Jasper, and concentrated on passing everything.

"When I was in New York, we – uh, you know…the guy I was with?" I tightened my grip on her hand and nodded, not wanting to interrupt. "We made plans to go to college together. All I had to do was come home and finish school. We knew he had one less year than me left, but he promised he would come and get me, that he'd wait and we'd go to college together.

"We both loved New York, so we decided that the colleges on the East Coast were our preference. He was really intelligent. I knew he'd be able to get in anywhere. He could have gone to Tisch for his art, or Harvard, or even Julliard for his music. He was so capable of all of it.

"He had so much faith in me. He thought it would be easy for me to get into a law programme out there, or even a high-standing English one. We even took a tour of a couple of the campus' to see which one we preferred.

"So when I came home, I had my heart set on being the best I could. I wanted to pass it all, I just wanted to make sure I could get out of here when school ended, and we'd be able to be together again.

"I even managed to talk my tutors into moving me up in my classes. You've probably noticed that I'm not doing many junior subjects. I wanted to be ahead in them all. I don't think I'll be able to graduate this year, but I tried." She shrugged, as if it was no big deal, but I could see the defeat in her posture.

She had wanted to leave at the end of this year? Granted she had wanted that before I was in the picture, but it hurt to think that she could have managed it, and I'd have been the one left behind.

I was supposed to be a year ahead of her, like her ex I would have waited for her. But fate had sick plans, and I was behind a year. I was in her year, though. We could graduate together. I squashed down the feeling of betrayal and tried to seem understanding and supportive.

"Have you asked them? Do you know you can't graduate?" My voice wasn't as strong as I wanted it to be, and from the corner of my eye I noticed her turn in her seat to look at me. I kept my eyes on the road, thankful that I had to keep my concentration elsewhere.

"Well, no…but I just assumed…my grades have slipped a bit since -" She trailed off, but it didn't take a genius to figure out what she was going to say.

"Since I got here?"

"Edward, I didn't mean it like that…"

"No, I know. But it's still true. I want you to promise me something."

Fuck, why the hell was I doing this to myself?

"What?" She sounded guarded as she answered.

"I want you to talk to the principal. You worked hard for this, Bella. Don't just assume. At least find out if you have the option." When she didn't answer I squeezed her hand and changed down a gear as I prepared to turn into the school parking lot. "Promise me." I felt her flinch at my tone, and swept my thumb over her hand. I wasn't mad at her. I was mad at myself.

Why was I pushing this? I didn't want her to fucking graduate and move to New York to find this asshole. I didn't want her to hold onto the memories they had, and wish that she could see him again. I wanted her with me; she was the only thing that made my pathetic excuse for a life bearable. There was no way I'd be able to watch her graduate and leave for college while I moved into my senior year…again.

"I promise. But I'm not leaving you behind. Ever."

I smiled at the fierceness in her voice. My girl knew how to fight for what she wanted; she just hadn't figured it out herself yet. She was so much stronger than she ever gave herself credit for and I couldn't wait for the day when she figured out just how capable she really was.

_My_ conversation with the Principal floated into my mind as I parked the car in my usual space. I had been to see him myself, with questions of my own.

I wondered briefly if I should tell Bella, but then decided against it. If nothing came of it, I didn't want to have gotten her hopes up for nothing. No, she needed to concentrate on herself. I wouldn't have her worrying over me when she should be fighting for what she had wanted so much. I wasn't going to stand by and watch her give up on what she had obviously set her heart on. Even if it was for another fucking guy.

I wasn't getting insecure about this; I wasn't going to let myself. She was with me now, and when she said she would wait for me, I believed her. We were going to get through this fucked up mess and come out of it the other side as two completely different people, but the exact same couple.

I'd make sure she talked to the Principal, and all her teachers to see if what she wanted was still possible. Then I'd talk to the Principal myself.

If I had my way, then neither of us would be getting left behind. Maybe we could start the rest of our lives a year earlier than I had predicted. Maybe we could get out of this backward town and take on the world sooner than I expected.

The plan forming in my head had me smiling, and when Bella caught it she sent a puzzled look in my direction. I only helped her out of the car and kissed her passionately in response. I felt her melt into me, her usual rules against public displays forgotten. I was good at making her forget, and I fucking loved it.

I pushed her against the cool metal of my car and devoured her mouth. She was right, it was never fucking enough, never close enough. I pulled back and smirked when I saw her flushed and struggling for breath. Yeah, I had a right to be a cocky bastard. I had the most beautiful girl in the school on my arm, and things were finally beginning to look up.

I took her hand in mine and pulled her with me into the school building when the bell rang around us. She snuggled herself under my arm, placing it over her shoulders herself.

"Everyone's staring, Edward." Her voice was muffled as she tried to hide in my jumper. I only chuckled more.

"Let them, I don't care. I'm in too good a mood to let them ruin it. Plus, I don't mind Mike Newton knowing you belong to me."

I cringed at my word choice, thinking she was going to berate me for it. She knew I didn't see her as an object or a possession, but fuck if I loved hearing it. She _was_ mine.

"I'll always belong to you, Edward."

I didn't think anything had ever sounded fucking sweeter. She giggled when I started whistling on our way down the corridor. She giggled again when I kissed her loudly when she dropped me off at my calculus class. She even giggled when I shouted "bye, honey" after her when she walked away.

This was going to be a fucking excellent weekend. I was pretty sure nothing could bring me down.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**So, how do we feel?**

**Leave me a review and let me know what's going through those heads of yours :P**

**Follow me on twitter for teasers and goss, and lots of info and previews are put on my blog over on www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**XX**


	37. Canvas and Stars

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Heyloo! :):):) I reaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllly enjoyed writing this one, I even got to use one of my favourite ever songs! So I hope you enjoy reading it at least half as much :):)**

**Sorry for the delay! Important uni folios needed to be sent away to define my future, but its all done now so I'm all yours once again :):)**

**Thank you to the very few people who reviewed the last chapter, I'm glad you're still with me :P**

**SM owns all things Twilight :) Please don't copy mine because you will be reported :O**

**xx**

* * *

**Chapter 37 – Canvas and Stars**

No one move,  
No one speak,  
Please don't say that it's just me, it's not just me.  
And even though I won't forget,  
Just don't want this to end just yet, not just yet.

And if I had one chance to freeze time  
And stand still and soak in everything,  
I'd choose right now.  
And if I had one night where sunshine could break through and show you everything,  
I'd choose right now.

If this is it, all we have,  
I know I've done all I can,  
If this is it.  
And we can't stop, and start again  
We can't fast forward to the end  
This is it.

But if I had one chance to freeze time  
To stand still and soak in everything,  
I'd choose right now.  
If I had one night where sunshine could break through and show you everything,  
I'd choose right now.

Before the fears that I once had start coming back...

And I can take the slings and stones and fire

Because I know you'll make it all worthwhile.

But every time I fold, dissolve, I'm lying on the ground

You drag me up again and again

Oh please come back again  
Oh please come back again,

And I'm so scared I might forget,  
Just don't want this to end just yet,  
Not just yet.

But if I had one chance to freeze time  
To stand still and soak in everything,  
I'd choose right now.

And if I had one night with sunshine to break through and show you everything,  
I'd choose right now.

Before the fears that I once had start coming back...

Again.

_If This Is It – Newton Faulkner_

Bella's POV: Now

I felt like Britney in her Hit Me Baby One More Time video back in 1996. No, seriously. Well, let me explain.

I had been staring at the clock, tapping my pen, for what felt like hours, but in reality it had barely been five minutes. The only difference was I wasn't about to burst into song, my hair wasn't in pig tails, and I wasn't dressed in a provocative school uniform.

I kind of wished Edward was with me. My Spanish teacher was droning on in her native tongue, and despite my conversation with Edward that morning, I wasn't paying the least bit of attention.

It had been decided at lunch that we all ditch P.E and head to the site Emmett had picked out for us. None of us were particularly keen on our last class before heading up to the mountains for the weekend, so we were ditching.

Edward hadn't been happy about it. It had only been a few hours since our discussion in the car, but he seemed adamant that my record be kept spotless.

I hadn't expected him to encourage it – in fact I had felt a little hurt. Why did he want me to still try and graduate a year early? He had been kept behind a year; our plans were completely up in the air. Of course, he didn't know he was the boy I was doing it all for in the first place, but why would he be supportive of something that broke us up? Not physically, but we would no longer be at school together, and I found it hard to wrap my head around why Edward wanted me to do this.

When the bell finally sounded, I wasted no time in packing up my books and darting out of the class. I headed towards my locker, wanting to pick up my stuff so I could work on my homework when we returned on Sunday morning.

Lauren was standing several feet away with Jessica when I neared, and I instinctually bowed my head and avoided any kind of eye contact.

Since I had been back at school she had stayed out of my way quite successfully. I was set out on avoiding her, but for some reason she was doing all the work. It was obvious she tried not to look at either Edward or I, the comments behind my back had stopped, and any time her eyes happened to be looking in my direction, when Edward showed up, she would panic and look away.

It wasn't as if she was being nice, she just wasn't doing anything. It was like she was being extra careful not to get herself into trouble. However, I noticed that she hadn't stopped being a bitch entirely; she had just stopped being a bitch to me.

I unlocked my locker, opened my backpack and slid all the books I needed into it, my shoulder straining from all the extra weight.

I jumped in surprise when strong arms wrapped around me from behind, a small squeak leaving my throat. Edward chuckled lowly behind me, the act making his chest rumble against my back. I relaxed back into him when he kissed the side of my neck sweetly.

I couldn't help but notice that he was being extra touchy-feely today, but I decided not to question it. My need for him was growing stronger by the hour and my willpower to stay away from him weaker.

He had seemed so happy when we walked into school this morning that I had let him have it. I was far from comfortable with being so public at school with our affection, but today he seemed to need it. I completely forgot that Lauren and Jessica were even in the same country when Edward was wrapped around me.

"Mmm, I missed you."

I shuddered as his lips brushed against my skin. I turned in his arms to find him looking at me so intensely that I couldn't even begin to decipher how he was feeling.

"You saw me at lunch."

"That was an hour ago, Bella," he answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Anyone else would have found his logic overbearing or suffocating, but when I felt the exact same way, I couldn't help but melt into his chest.

"You have me all weekend. Not that it makes any difference. You've been living with me for a week." I smiled into his hoodie, soaking in his warmth and scent. I swear he knew exactly what that jumper did to me. It was so soft and snuggly, and when that was on top of him in all his defined glory, it was the perfect combination. I was even more clingy when he had that particular top on, I couldn't help myself.

"Mmm, best week of my life."

I pulled back to look at him, finding only seriousness and sincerity in his gaze. He raised his hand and closed my locker for me, before taking my bag off me and throwing it over his shoulder. He knew I was out of my recovery period, but he still insisted on trying to do everything for me. If it wasn't so damn sweet it would be really annoying.

He grabbed my hand, and without a word we both started walking down the corridor. It didn't escape my notice that the crowds sort of parted for him when they saw us coming. Or that nearly every girl we passed looked at him with a dreamy look in their eyes. Or that when we passed Angela and Ben, she winked at me and smiled, as though she knew exactly how I had been feeling about the PDA.

The second the sounds of the other students faded behind us, Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulder instead and steered us purposefully towards the Volvo. I smiled as I spotted Rose and Emmett leaning against his Jeep, completely unaware of everything else around them.

Edward sighed quietly beside me, but my ears caught it. When I looked to him, I found him watching them too. Is that what he wanted? Was he upset because I wouldn't let him grope me like that in public? Was that something he'd want to do?

I tugged on his hand, tired of all the things that went unspoken between us – the less important stuff, anyway. He stopped abruptly, turning to face me with confusion and concern marring his features.

Without thinking twice about it – and pushing my own insecurities aside - I raised myself onto my toes and pressed the length of my body to his as our lips touched gently. He moaned lowly as I slipped my tongue into his mouth and pulled us backwards as he rested his hips back against his car.

The fact that we were in the mirror position from his brother and his girlfriend, parked right beside one another, and in the middle of the school parking lot, all seeped from my mind. It honestly didn't matter.

It didn't take long before Edward's hands were bored of being clenched in my hair, and I shivered in pleasure as they swept over my shoulders and down around my sides. I gasped into his mouth as his hand brushed the outside of my breast – even through my V-neck jumper – and the inevitable blush flooded my cheeks. The rational side of my brain, however, told me that there was no way anyone could see what he was doing, and I relaxed into our stance.

I was completely absorbed – no, melted – into Edward. Our bodies could easily have been fused together. I was pretty sure it would be hard to distinguish where one of us ended and the other began.

_This is the way it should always have been._

I stopped that thought in its tracks. It wasn't his fault, or mine, for that matter, for the time we had lost. I could easily blame his family, but over the last week I had learned that I had no right to do that either. No, I simply had to come to terms with the time we had lost with each other and be eternally happy that I had him back. If it wasn't for his family - despite how selfish their actions may have been at the time - I wouldn't have been standing with him, making out in our school parking lot.

My hands were fused in Edward's hair as his hands rested on my backside. I squeaked as he squeezed gently, and his laugh rumbled between the two of us. I wanted to pull back and scowl at him, but he fused our lips back together, seemingly needing more. I wasn't going to argue.

"Damn, that's hot." Emmett's voice floated through to me, before reaching Edward, and we finally broke apart. It seemed we had garnered the attention of the two people I had thought would have been most oblivious.

As I turned, I witnessed Rose smack her new guy across the back of his head, and giggled as he reached up to rub the inflicted spot.

"What? Baby, I was just saying…" He huffed petulantly. He shrugged, not knowing what he had done wrong as Rose just scowled at him.

"You better not be checking out my girl, Em." Edward's fierce tone surprised me, as did the thunderous look on his face when I turned to look at him. But damn, it was hot. Edward could make anything hot; I wasn't even going to ponder the fact that I usually hated possessive behaviour in guys.

"Jesus, man, no! I was just saying…I've got my own right here, I don't see anything else…" He managed to turn his stuttering answer into an award winning smile, and I could see the exact effect it had on "his girl." Rose turned to him, slightly pink, and only lightly punched his arm before kissing his cheek quickly.

"Your own what?" Jasper's voice invaded our circle, and I groaned. This conversation did not need to go any further.

"Nothing! Can we please go?" I was beginning to notice the abundance of whispering and staring going on around us, but I had no one to blame but myself.

Jasper looked hurt, and it didn't occur to me until then that he thought I was brushing him off. I pried my hand from Edward's crushing grip and stepped over to my best friend, letting him pull me into a hug. Despite looking hurt not moments before, he still knew what I wanted.

"People are staring. I didn't mean to put on a show," I whispered so only he would hear.

He laughed lightly, looking between the four of us as I pulled away. "It was kind of hard not to notice, Bells." He looked slightly uncomfortable, and I was thankful that Emmett clapped his hands loudly and shouted for us "to get this show on the road."

We all made our way to our respective cars and my gaze followed Jazz, a smile lighting my face. The way he clutched Alice's tiny frame to his tall one, engulfing her and protecting her was a sweet thing to witness. I only felt a slight pang of sadness as I watched him help her into his truck and kiss the top of her head before shutting the door. He used to do that for me.

"Hey."

I snapped my head to Edward and found him watching me closely. My face must have betrayed that slight pang after all. There was absolutely no reason for me to feel anything but unconditional love for the boy by my side. Jazz hadn't left me behind, we had both just moved up. I had no doubt in my mind that if I ever needed him, he'd still be there for me.

"I'm glad he's got someone."

Edward smiled at my answer, but it didn't reach his eyes. I placed my hand on his chest and looked into his eyes.

"I'm just not used to it. I have no right to say anything, Edward. I left him behind the second you moved here. I don't have the right to feel sad that he's moving on, too."

He nodded silently and pulled me into his chest. The second I had my face buried in his jumper, my body relaxed and my threatening tears subsided. I was not going to cry. This whole weekend was going to be fun and light, and I was determined not to come across as the weak little girl I had convinced everyone I was.

"I love this jumper," I sighed.

Edward chuckled lowly. "Just the jumper?" He pulled back with a brush of his lips to my temple.

"Yep, just the jumper."

I smiled mischievously, revelling in his laughter, loving its sound and texture. I was going to make that happen more often.

The close sound of Emmett revving his engine made me jump and Edward only laughed harder.

"Let's get going. I can't wait for this weekend to begin." Edward winked at me over the top of the car, and we slid in our opposite sides simultaneously.

Emmett led our pack out of the lot and onto the highway, Jasper and Alice bringing up the rear. As passenger I had total reign over the music, and as the Kings of Leon started to float around us, Edward's warm hand found mine on the centre console and didn't let mine go the entire way to our destination.

My nerves over the impending weekend were gone, the smile very much fixed on my face as Edward started singing along, sparing me glances at all the right times. I was happy, in love and about to spend the weekend with my boyfriend, alone. Yeah, my grin only got wider.

When we arrived, the good weather looked like it was going to hold out. It wouldn't take long for it to get dark at that time of the year, so we all decided it would be best to just find a spot and get our tents up.

Edward refused to let me even hold a tent pole as all six of us got our packs out and spread around in a circle.

"Edward, I'm fine. It's only a freaking tent."

"No, Bella. I can do it."

"I never said you couldn't, Edward, but stop treating me like some porcelain doll." I wasn't going to let on that his behaviour, though sweet over the last few weeks, was really beginning to hurt my feelings.

"I've got it. It's simple, anyway." I had no doubts that he could do it alone, probably quicker than the other four put together, but it didn't help with how I felt.

"Yeah, fine, I'll just sit here and watch."

I turned my back on him, finding a convenient log to perch on silently. He sighed loudly, but he didn't change his mind.

I knew I was being slightly irrational about the whole thing, but the only reason it was hurting me so much was because the other four were having a great time doing it _together. _

Emmett had his arms wrapped around Rose as he tried to wrestle a pole from her grasp, as they jokingly fought about what should happen next. Jasper was calmly holding the shape of his tent, even though I could see him struggling, as he gently told Alice how to hammer in the pegs, which she was doing without much success.

Then there was us. I wasn't sure if it was because Edward didn't want my help or he was just being overly protective again. My surgery was nearly two months passed, and I had long since healed from it, but he wouldn't let me do _anything. _Somehow this was entirely different from him just demanding that he carry my heavy schoolbag.

It made us look bad to the others, and all I wanted, all I craved, was for us to be normal. It was one thing for us to act normal when we were alone, hell, we were experts at avoidance when it was just the two of us, but it needed to transition into our time with others.

Whether it was petulant or not for me to think it, him acting that way was not showing us as a united front. Right now it looked like he didn't respect my opinion, or really care for my help at all. Even if that wasn't the case, it was how we looked. Call me shallow, but I had grown to fear the opinions and thoughts of others on my life.

I stood up, completely unbeknownst to Edward, and wandered my way out of the clearing, the sound of a steady stream leading me towards it. It was still very much light out, and it was hardly thick woodland so I felt safe enough to get away from the group for a while. It wasn't as if some grizzly bear was going to come for me.

My head started to clear, the more distance I put between us, and I sighed gently as I sat down by the gushing water. I could see it from his point of view, I suppose, he was always concerned with me, and I knew at the time he had blamed himself for my relapse. Was it possible that was still a factor? Was he overdoing it because he still felt guilty for my stint in the hospital?

Twigs and cold leaves crunched under someone's footfalls, but no warm fuzzy feeling descended over me, so I knew it wasn't Edward.

Rose folded her tall frame down onto the ground beside me, her eyes fixed on the river, giving me the space I needed.

"What's going on, Bells?" She picked up a stick from between us and started twirling it in her grasp.

"Nothing, I just wanted some space."

"Bullshit. Don't lie to me, Bella. What's going on with you two?"

I sighed, not knowing the answer. "I don't know, Rose. Maybe the pressure's just getting to us." I shrugged lightly, but I found more truth in my statement than I let on. Maybe that _was _the reason.

"What do you mean?" I turned to her and snorted at the confused look on her face. It was pretty comical.

"I mean, we've never had to be a couple in front of others. It's always just the two of us, and even then things aren't normal. We nearly didn't come with you guys because I wasn't sure I could do it."

My answer didn't seem to clear anything up for her, so I continued.

"We're not like you guys. We don't fool around and laugh about everything. We don't get to feel young and in love for more than a couple of hours at a time, because there's always some shit storm looming above our heads. Rose, we've never even been on a date. Edward and I can't be normal. No matter how much I want us to be, it just never seems possible. There's always something for one of us to worry about, some thought niggling between us, some comment not sitting well…we never seem to get the time to just sit and laugh about something completely trivial…"

I trailed off, realizing that I had revealed far more than I had intended to. Edward and I weren't having problems, we _were _happy, but here I was sitting picking everything about our relationship apart without even a seconds thought about it.

She scooted closer, her arm resting across my shoulders as she brought me in for a hug. I soaked up her familiarity and comfort, not knowing I had needed it.

"I missed you, Rose."

"I missed you too, Bells. I'm always here, you know that right?" I nodded my head, pulling back from her embrace. Her eyes flicked over my shoulder, but it was so quick that I dismissed it.

"I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, Bella, but the strength you have to face it every day and not crumble astounds me. I hope you know how strong you are, and that I admire you for being so mature about everything. Just know that while I can't help, I will be here if you need to lighten the load."

She smiled at me, and I noticed tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. I wrapped my arms around her slim shoulders and squeezed tightly.

"Don't start. You'll set me off, and I promised myself I was done crying." She laughed lightly as she nodded and I smiled at my friend. "Thank you." She knew I was talking about more than keeping the tears at bay, and nodded with a smile on her face.

"Let's go see if Em and Jazz have that fire going yet, shall we? Edward was too busy brooding to help." She said it lightly, but my stomach still sank. I hadn't meant to upset him, but once again my silly behaviour had done just that.

But she had said it deliberately, because when we stood up and turned around, Edward was leaning against a tree behind us. Rose bit her lip, and a tiny pink tinge coloured her cheeks, telling me she had set me up. Edward had heard it all.

She squeezed me to her one last time. "You guys are too perfect to let something like this matter." I nodded as she pulled away, and watched as she passed Edward with a smile and disappeared back in the direction of our clearing.

My eyes travelled the length of Edward, his ankles crossed, his hands shoved in his pockets, and the only thing I could think about was how amazing he always looked. He only had a pair of dark wash jeans, a simple sweater and dark-brown leather boots on, and he still managed to make them look amazing.

I held out my hand between us and smiled as a faint grin passed across his face. He took the few steps towards me before our fingers entwined with each other, and I let myself be pulled into his awesome sweater once more.

"I love you, Edward Cullen."

His body sagged slightly against mine at the weight of my words.

"I know."

Somehow, not saying it back, and using the words he did, mattered so much more in that moment. He knew without a doubt how I felt about him, he had heard me express all the concerns I had about what we went through daily, and he had heard Rose express her faith in me.

With a smile, I realized that all his eavesdropping tendencies had only brought about good things recently. His arms tightened around me, and without saying anything I knew he felt the exact same way.

When he pulled away and locked his gaze with mine, I completely forgot about being mad. I couldn't even remember why as his eyes trapped me in their intensity. What was the point in being angry over silly things when we had been through so much that was so much bigger than either of us?

As we all sat around a roaring fire, I looked around my group of unlikely friends and smiled. Alice was perched lightly on Jasper's lap, a giant blanket round them both. Emmett and Rosalie were sitting side-by-side, with her legs across his knees, and Edward and I were sitting under another of the massive blankets, legs entwined, hands held and heads together.

I was far too warm, but there was no way I was moving.

Alice had been quiet all night, but when she did contribute it was with a small smile and a steady voice. It dawned on me that maybe she was just as uncomfortable being around me as I was her. Unlike me, she didn't have another girl to go to this weekend, because up until last week Rose and Alice had never even met.

Jasper and Emmett were laughing loudly about something that had happened on the field at practice the day before when I heard Edward's name. It snapped me out of my thoughts like nothing else had the capability of doing.

"Honestly, man, you would be so much better than Newton any day. Your arm is fucking fantastic!" I swivelled to stare at my boyfriend, completely taken off guard.

It had never happened before, but I found myself faced with something about Edward I knew nothing about. He played baseball? He was good at baseball?

"You played?" He looked at me with a soft smile before shooting a warning glance at his brother. A warning he took absolutely no notice of.

"Played? Did you never tell Bella about it, man?" A clouded look passed across Edward's eyes, and I knew why. Emmett had said "never," alluding to the fact that we had met before.

"It hasn't come up." Was his short answer. I watched Emmett puzzle over his brother's reaction before his face paled. Even in the flickering light of the fire I could see understanding dawn on his face.

"Maybe it's time we hit the hay?" he said instead, trying to change the subject.

"No! Tell me more. I want to know all about my boyfriend before I knew him." Edward squeezed my hand and I looked to him with a smile. "How good was he?" I asked Emmett.

"Good? Good doesn't even cover it. This guy was fucking amazing. Our school team was only half as good as it was because Eddie here was on it. All those trophies…man…" He trailed off wistfully.

"Trophies?" My smile grew as I watched the twinkle appear in Edward's eyes.

"Yeah, um…we competed a lot with the state…our school team pretty much cleaned the board." He shrugged as if it was no big deal.

"I swear to God, man, watching you…I may be a little biased here, but you had to be the best under 18s pitcher in Illinois…if not the entire Western board…" Emmett whistled, and we all giggled.

Why had I never known this? Why had I never questioned why when he had packed up in Chicago in such a rush that he brought a baseball to New York with him? A very worn, very old baseball. I had slipped; I hadn't known everything about the boy on my right.

"Man, seriously…you should try out…Forks High isn't a massive place…especially not compared with Chicago, but our baseball team is pretty good. With you on it though? If you're half as good as Em says you are? You could have all that back, man. I'm just saying," Jasper contributed.

I smiled at my best friend as he eyed Edward.

"Yeah, maybe," was Edward's mumbled reply. It was obvious to me he was uncomfortable with the topic, and I was thankful when Rose changed the subject, claiming that baseball was too manly a topic for an equal group.

She asked Alice a direct question, but I tuned her out, concentrating solely on the breathing of the boy beside me. His thumb was rubbing across the back of my hand, but it was obvious he was lost in his own thoughts. I watched him quietly, giving him the time he needed to come back to me.

I felt a bit weird just looking at him, so I lifted his arm by myself and snuggled under it, deep into his jumper, making sure the blanket was tucked tightly around us. His arm tightened around my body all on its own and I smiled as I closed my eyes, enjoying the heat and light of the fire on my face.

"I love you."

He buried his head in my hair and breathed deeply. Whether he meant it or not, but every time he did that, it calmed _me. _There was something about knowing I could be there for him without doing anything.

I listened as Rose and Emmett playfully argued over which car was sexier and laughed each time Emmett's eyes lit up at her suggestions. Of course, he tried to cover it up and act all macho with his own, but it was obvious to everyone he would never win. Not only that, but he was completely dazed by Rose in general, it was intoxicatingly sweet to witness.

I yawned, burying my face into Edward's chest to hide it, but of course he caught the action and chuckled.

"How about we get you to bed?"

Rose snorted loudly at my boyfriend's suggestion and my face heated as I looked around the group. While Jazz looked uncomfortable again at Rose's unspoken suggestion, Emmett was waggling his eyebrows up and down in our direction.

I stood up quickly pulling on Edward's hand and mumbling "shut up" to everyone. It hurt that they all thought that and yet it wasn't true. It was obvious to both Edward and I that we would be the only ones not doing anything tonight. Or the next night.

"Ignore them, love."

I squeezed Edward's hand to let him know I had heard him before falling unceremoniously into our massive tent. I slid over to where my sleeping bag was situated, noting that there had to be enough room for five people in the rectangle we were currently in.

It didn't take long for the freezing cold to seep into me, the heat from Edward's body and the fire long gone. I watched with chattering teeth as Edward zipped us in, closing over three different flaps before settling back opposite me. He looked almost nervous as he rolled his hands together, and I wondered if his brother's comment had gotten to him too.

"I know you think it does, but it doesn't matter what other people think, Bella. Only what you and I think is important in this."

I smiled at him, knowing he was completely right. I looked at him pleadingly, hoping he would catch on to my problem.

"Come here. You're obviously not going to make the first move…" He winked at me, letting me know he was joking and slid down on the mattress, lying comfortably.

I crawled across the small space and swung myself around so that I was lying beside him. He had covered the surface of the inflated double mattress with an opened out sleeping bag so that it was more comfortable. As I curled myself into his side, he threw the blanket from outside around us before covering us with another opened out sleeping bag.

"That isn't how a sleeping bag works, Edward."

He chuckled lowly. "I can zip it up around us if you want, love." I looked up in time to see the mischief in his eyes.

"I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work the way you're thinking…" I smiled as he chuckled again.

"We can sleep in separate ones if you want. I just didn't want to be that far from you." There he went again with the sweet statements.

"This is perfect."

Well, it wasn't perfectly comfortable, what with my jumper and jeans, but I was with Edward, wrapped up in his safety and arms, so it was as perfect as I could get.

His cool hand found my jaw and tilted it upwards. I noticed the effect my words had had on his eyes before he closed them and pressed his lips against mine. He sighed gently as if everything was right again, before pushing his body closer to me.

Our make out session turned more passionate as the minutes progressed, and I could tell Edward was trying to hold back. When he kissed me like that I always felt my decision wavering on our sex ban, but I had to stay strong. In other situations I knew he used his kissing powers to sway me or make me forget, but in this I had to stay strong. I couldn't risk ruining everything by giving in.

That, however, didn't stop me from losing myself in the feeling of him. The way his hands left a blazing trail of heat on my exposed skin, and the way his lips set a burn in my lower stomach made me wish more than anything that I could have him that way.

As his mouth moved from my mouth to let me catch my breath, he kissed a wet trail across my jaw and down my neck. The cool night air hitting my damp skin made me shiver, and while goosebumps erupted on my skin, the pleasure was too intense to feel anything else.

I tugged on Edward's hair, wanting his mouth back on mine, and the groan I could bet money on, rumbled from deep in his chest. However, he didn't give in. Instead, he rested his forehead on my shoulder, his grip tightening on my hips.

"Please, Bella. Let me make you feel good." Oh Jesus, how was I supposed to say no to that?

We were in a tent for Christ's sake, with four other people far too close for my liking, but the way he was looking at me made my head nod on its own.

He rolled himself up onto his elbows and hovered over me, our breath mixing together as he gazed at me softly. As he lowered his head to mine, one hand coming to cradle my neck, I was glad I hadn't chosen separate sleeping arrangement. The extra space was proving incredibly handy. Even if we had been cocooned in one sleeping bag, he never would have been able to align himself perfectly with me.

There wouldn't have been enough space for him to push up my jumper and t-shirt, his cool fingers slowly tracing over my skin. Or for him to settle himself above and around me, his knees on each side of my own.

My breathing came in short pants as his fingers found my covered nipple, but even the feel of him pinching it through the material of my bra was enough to make my back arch. I needed to be closer; I needed to feel more of him.

I tugged on the back of his neck, trying in vain to bring his body closer to me.

"I don't want to crush you," he answered quietly.

"I need you closer. Oh God, Edward, please?" I whimpered as his hand moved under my bra and pushed it up, too.

His hand fit around my breast and as he did it, I seemed to remember exactly what it was like before, in perfect clarity. I had feared I was beginning to forget our only time together, but he was bringing it all back to me with his gentle caresses.

"Hmm, I wish I could see you." He pulled my bottom lip between his teeth before letting go and plunging his head down to my chest.

I gasped loudly as his tongue met my frozen, hardened nipple, and my hands increased their grip on his hair, pulling, always pulling him closer.

I was too engrossed in the attention he was laving on my breasts to immediately notice the path his hand was taking. His fingers were dancing across my skin, barely making contact, and still managing to set me alight.

With what seemed like one light flick, he had the button on my jeans undone and was pulling the zipper down slowly. He made it seem like he wasn't even paying attention to what he was doing, his head never lifting and his tongue never stopping.

My breathing stopped completely as his fingers brushed under the waistband of my panties and I flushed in embarrassment. I wasn't exactly wearing my best finery.

His languid licks turned into playful bites, and I moaned wantonly as his teeth met my hardened flesh. It all felt too good, too much at once. All my senses seemed to be on sensory overload as his hand slipped lower, my ears ringing with _his_ groan as he finally found his destination.

I was already wet, I knew that, and I wasn't embarrassed. He couldn't hide the effect I had on him, and while mine was much more secret, I wanted him to know it was the same for me. He only had to look at me a certain way to turn me on.

"Fuck, Bella." His words warmed me even more and I was suddenly aware that it had all stopped.

"Please, Edward…"

"Please what?" His voice turned gruff, and I couldn't control my whimper the sound caused.

I choked back my insecurity and inexperience, needing to stay in the moment. "Touch me." He groaned loudly before pulling his head up and bringing his mouth back up to mine.

He plunged his tongue into my mouth without preamble and we both moaned at the sensation. There was no battling or dominance, just our tongues tangling naturally, our breathing the only sound filling the space around us.

I bucked my hips up into Edward's hands as his fingers glided through my warmth. My mouth dropped open, but no sound came out as he plunged his fingers into me without warning. It all felt too good, and I felt my eyes roll back into my head.

"Look at me, love. I need to see you."

My eyes focused in on him without my consent, and he held out on our kissing as his fingers worked me into a frenzy. I had forgotten just how good this had felt. He had done it before, and while I had been puzzled as to why he would want to, I remembered the feeling of finding my release by his fingers.

Just the thought of it brought me closer to that high cliff, and Edward dove back in, covering my mouth with his to stifle my moan.

"Come on my fingers, baby. Let go." The fact that my Edward was talking dirty was the final straw. My whole body tensed, my back lifting from the mattress and into his, as my orgasm zipped through me.

"Oh my God."

Edward smiled cockily, and I could only think of one way to wipe it off his face.

I launched my lips at his and sighed as he deliberately kept it sweet and slow. He was trying to show me that he didn't need anything more than what had happened and I felt gratitude flow over me. I knew he was capable of making me feel amazing, but it was simply something I couldn't risk.

My body turned to jelly, sagging completely, and I only smiled lazily when Edward chuckled.

"Come here, love." He pulled me into his side, tucking my protectively into "the nook," and pressing sporadic kisses to my head. I sighed, feeling his love crash through me from where he lay.

"I love you so much, Edward. You'll never know how much." I shook my head, not knowing how else to say it.

"I love you more."

I smiled into the darkness.

I clung to him, but not in desperation. No, he wasn't going anywhere, there were no concerns or risks for tonight. It was just the two of us. I was going to take moments like this whenever they came along, because they were simply…perfect.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Sooo? What did we think? Thankful you're getting a fluffy, lemony break? :)**

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**Sarah x**


	38. A Rainy Interlude

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hello, my lovelies! How are we? :) Thank you all for the feedback on the last chapter, I'm glad the few of you who reviewed enjoyed it, and guess that the rest of you were the same :) It's good to know y'all are enjoying our wee interlude from the angst :) **

**I can only apologise if I didn't reply to your review! I changed my e-mail address and I couldn't remember which ones I had replied to and which ones I didn't :( Thankfully you were all loyal reviewers so you'll know that I always try to get back to you all :)**

**Good news! It continues...there's even more citrusy flavour in this one! :):)**

**Anyways, enjoy and I'll talk to ya at the end :)**

**SM owns all things Twilight**

* * *

**Chapter 38 – A Rainy Interlude**

Tried to break love to a science  
In an act of pure defiance  
I broke her heart.  
As I pulled apart her theories  
As I watched her growing weary  
I pulled her apart  
Having heavy conversations  
About the furthest constellations of our souls. ooh  
And we're just trying to find some meaning  
In the things that we believe in  
But we got some ways to go.  
Of all of the things that she's ever said  
She goes and says something that just knocks me dead.

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope,  
You won't find heart and soul in the stars.  
You can break everything, down to chemicals,  
But you can't explain a love like ours.

It's the way we feel, yeah this is real.

It's the way we feel, yeah this is real.

I tried pushing evolution  
As the obvious conclusion of the start.  
But it was for my own amusement  
Saying love was an illusion of a hopeless heart.  
Of all of the things that she's ever said  
She goes and says something that knocks me dead.

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope,  
You won't find heart and soul in the stars.  
You can break everything, down to chemicals,  
But you can't explain a love like ours.

It's the way we feel, yeah this is real.

It's the way we feel, yeah this is real.

Of all of the things that she's ever said  
She goes and says something that just knocks me dead

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope  
You won't find heart and soul in the stars  
You can break everything, down to chemicals  
But you can't explain a love like ours.

It's the way we feel, yeah this is real

It's the way we feel, yeah this is real

_Science and Faith – The Script_

* * *

Edward's POV

I awoke first, to the sound of heavy rain pelting off thin fabric. I sighed, knowing that torrential rain would put a complete end to our weekend – a day too early.

My arms tightened around Bella, and I sank further into the warm cavern we had cocooned ourselves in overnight. I had no idea what time it was, but it was barely light, so it was a simple guess that it was ungodly early.

I thought back on our "activities" of the night before and couldn't help the shit-eating grin that spread across my face. I couldn't help it, knowing that I had been able to blow her mind and make her feel good, made me feel good.

I already knew how special the thing was we had, but to be able to feel like that, from bringing her simple pleasure, was beyond anything I could comprehend. I mean, we hadn't even had sex and it had felt better than I could have imagined. And trust me, I had imagined it. To have her underneath me, her eyes hooded with lust, her body writhing without her permission – fuck, I was hard.

I chuckled to myself as I thought of the position I had just put myself in. Usually I got morning wood from dreaming about Bella, this morning it was simply remembering what we had already done. Fuck, it felt good to know we were moving forward.

I wasn't ashamed to admit that hearing her voice her fears to Rose the day before had broken my heart. I knew every word she spoke was true, and it made me feel worse. Why had I never done more to make sure we did have the things everyone else took for granted? Sure, I wanted to make sure she smiled every day, I always wanted to hear her laugh, but lately things seemed to have slipped by the wayside.

We were bogged down, constantly, with worries and troubles, most of which weren't even hers. Hearing Rose convey her awe of my girl had me nodding my head in agreement at the time. She was dealing with so much shit – shit that wasn't hers – every damn day, and the fact that she could still hold her head up and get on with her own life astounded even me.

To see her every day - by my side - helping me fight the world without a second thought, filled my heart to bursting. How the hell had I managed to find someone so perfect? I was so glad Bella was finally beginning to see just how strong she was. Maybe if enough of us reminded her how amazing she was – she'd begin to believe it.

She stirred in my arms, sighing gently as she snuggled deeper into my hoodie. I smiled wider, she had only gone and confirmed how much she loved it, and I vowed to wear it as often as I could.

"Go back to sleep," she moaned lightly, obviously not wanting to wake up.

"How do you know I'm awake?"

"You're not holding me as tight, you're breathing is different, and I'm pretty sure I can hear your brain over the rain. What are you thinking about?"

My mouth opened and closed as I tried to answer. How did she deduce all that without me knowing she was even awake?

"You, love. It's only ever you."

"Well, okay then." I could hear the smile in her voice and I couldn't help but smile myself.

"Just okay?"

She smacked me lightly on the chest, and I huffed in exaggeration, pretending she'd winded me. I grabbed her hand and linked our fingers together as I waited for her answer.

"Yes. I don't know how you expect me to say anything coherent at all when you hit me with something like that."

I chuckled again, feeling her skin warm in my embrace.

"I'm pretty sure I didn't hit you with anything, love."

I couldn't hold in my laughter as she huffed again. "I'm rolling my eyes right now, by the way," she answered, causing me to laugh harder.

"I love you, beautiful. It's my job to overdose you on sweetness. Unless of course we're surrounded by guys, in which case I can't. I have to keep my masculinity intact after all. But apart from that, all clichés are allowed."

She was shaking with laughter as she raised herself up onto her elbows. I smiled as I finally saw her eyes; it had been too long. Fuck, I really was a walking cliché when it came to her. I had missed her eyes? Fuck, me.

"Trust me, you're all man…"

I swallowed loudly, her response catching me completely off guard. "Huh?" Was my eloquent response.

"Morning wood is the most over used cliché of them all, Edward…" Fuck, where the hell had my Bella gone? And where the hell was she getting this side of herself from?

"Morning wood isn't a cliché, love. It's a fucking involuntary reaction. It's not my fault I can't think about anything except you. Especially after last night."

As I expected, she flushed, but it wasn't from embarrassment. The lust in her eyes and the way she bit her bottom lip told me she was turned on.

_Jesus._

I grabbed her arms, pulling the top half of her body so that she was resting lightly on my chest. Her breathing picked up, causing our chests to heave against one another. What the fuck was happening? The lust between us had _never_ been this strong.

When her mouth met mine, it wasn't gentle or sweet, it was intoxicating and urgent. Our lips mashed together, as if we couldn't get close enough. Of course we couldn't, we never could. I moaned as her teeth clamped around my bottom lip and my dick twitched in my jeans.

"Fuck, Bella…"

She pulled back, but instead of stopping, her lips started pressing hot kisses to my jaw, following my scruff to my ear. I had to fight off my impending orgasm as she bit and sucked at my earlobe, completely forgoing her usual gentleness.

My hands found her hips and clasped them, roughly pulling her to me so that I could find some sort of friction. She still hadn't mentioned that sex was okay between us, but dry humping was a far cry from it, and I prayed with everything that I had that she wouldn't stop me. I was so close, and so far gone that I doubted it would take much to find a release anyway.

"Edward…" My name in that fucking breathy whimper snapped the remainder of my control, and I ground my rock-hard erection against her, panting against the side of her neck.

Her hands fisted in my hair as she held herself still above me. She had stopped kissing me, but I needed some sort of contact so I copied her, placing open mouthed kisses along her neck and down to her collarbone.

I raised one hand so I could pull the neck of her sweater away, granting me access to her slender shoulders and silky smooth skin.

I found the spot where her neck met her shoulder and stopped. I had the sudden urge to act my age, and as the teenagers we were, I marked her, knowing fine well what I was doing. I stroked my tongue across her skin before sucking on it - gently at first. When she moaned, I had a feeling she knew what I was doing, and the fact that she didn't stop me only spurred me on.

The more attention I paid to her neck, the more desperate the rest of her seemed to become. She relaxed into me, her core meeting my hardness and causing her to whimper again. At least, I hoped it was that that made her whimper. I _needed_ her to want this.

Her hips started rocking back and forth, right fucking there. "Edward, _God_." Her breath washed across my face as she pulled my head back up. But instead of kissing her, I rested my forehead against hers and held her gaze. I needed to know she was in this with me.

I rocked up into her once, testing the waters so to speak. Her eyes glazed over as she bit her lip. If I had blinked I would have missed it, but she definitely fucking nodded her head.

My fingers spread out across her hips, sweeping under her top and meeting warm, soft skin. I had to be careful with her. I had bruised her there before in my urgency and I swore I'd never do it again. I didn't care if she _wanted_ me to grip her harder; I was never going to leave a mark _like that_ again.

She met me half way every time, but something had changed. Our pace had slowed considerably, but it didn't affect the intense tightening I could feel in my gut. It didn't matter how rushed or hard we acted; she still had the same effect on me.

Our breathing was stilted, loud in the small area around us. I suddenly remembered where we were, and that if we didn't keep quiet we'd have an unwilling audience. The fact that we were outside, so close to others, but so completely alone only turned me on further.

"Edward, I'm so close…" Her top row of teeth clamped down on her bottom lip. The blood I could see pulsing in it made me groan because it was exactly the same as what was happening in my dick.

When her rocking sped up again, I couldn't help but let my head fall back and I emitted a long, low groan. She was going to fucking kill me, and it was going to be fucking glorious.

"Please, Edward. Come with me?" I snapped my eyes up to hers in time to see her whole face freeze and then relax. Watching it did more to me than feeling the way her body tensed over me before melting down onto me.

With one last rough thrust, the button fly of my jeans causing the friction I needed, I buried my face in her hair and groaned. My hips jerked as I came, and Bella whimpered every time I hit that same spot. Fucking hell, that was hot.

"Jesus Christ…" I mumbled, trying in vain to catch my breath.

"No, baby, that was all us…" I smiled into my girl's neck, utterly sated.

"Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?"

She pulled back, an adorably confused expression on her face. "What do you mean?"

"I mean all the confidence…all the talk…" Jesus, I couldn't even talk about it. How lame was I?

She shrugged, staring at me. "It's you. You have no idea the things you make me feel." She shook her head sadly. I wasn't having any of that; this needed to be about us now, not what was always coming between us.

"I'm pretty sure I do…" I waggled my eyebrows, trying to lighten the mood. I sighed softly when she giggled and hit my chest again.

"Jerk."

"Babe, you really need to stop hitting me. I'm gonna get a complex."

She giggled lightly before sliding her body back down under my arm and curling into me.

"It's the first sign of love, didn't you know?"

"I guess I should let you continue then, huh? Seeing as you love me so much…"

Her small arm came across my chest and pulled herself even closer to me before she answered. "Damn right. Don't ever forget either." The breath caught in her throat, and I knew she was stuck in her head again.

"Hmm, you'll just have to keep on hitting me then…could turn kinky…" She huffed a laugh before mumbling "shut up" into my shoulder. If I had to keep making typical guy comments all day so that she wouldn't get caught up in her head again, I'd do it.

We needed this weekend away, whether we were stuck in a tent in torrential rain or not, it would be perfect for both of us if we could keep our minds off the outside world.

Maybe being stuck in a tent _was_ the best thing. She mumbled something incoherent into my shoulder before her breathing evened out. It was obvious we wouldn't be able to do much until the rain died down a bit, so I let myself relax around Bella and found that sleep came easy.

I awoke to my phone buzzing incessantly from my pocket. I heard Bella giggle lightly before moaning and burying closer into me as the vibrations became more severe.

I pushed her away slightly so I could dig into the pocket between us, and laughed when she rolled straight back into the same spot.

Emmett's name flashed on the screen and I rolled my eyes. He could have just shouted from his tent and I would have heard him.

"Sup, bro?"

"Oh, you know, just catching some rays…What the fuck do you think I'm doing?" I asked.

"Well, it's not like there was much sleeping going on in that tent, bro."

My face paled as I thought of Bella. It didn't bother me, but I knew she'd be mortified if she knew we'd been overheard.

"Nothing happened, Em. And don't give Bella a hard time…" I lowered my voice to a whisper.

"I'm not the one giving her a hard time, Eddie boy!" He laughed at his joke, the sound travelling through the rain from his tent.

"Fuck off, Emmett. Not that it's any of your business, but we've never even had sex." I rolled my eyes, why was I justifying myself to my brother?

"Seriously, man?" He rightfully sounded dubious.

"Yeah, seriously."

"Huh, well there's something. Anyway, I was thinking we could just stick with our girls until the rain goes off. It's only supposed to last about 2 more hours. We still have the whole afternoon after that to have some fun or whatever…"

"Yeah, sounds good. Bella's still sleeping anyway…"

"But you wish she wasn't?" He chuckled.

"Shut it, Em. I thought you might actually understand…you know, now that you're firmly under the thumb…"

"Sorry, bro. I'm just winding you up, you know? It's pretty obvious to everyone that you two are _perfecto_ for each other." I laughed lightly at the Spanish lilt he put on his words, thankful that he was taking me seriously.

"Yeah, well, I'm pretty damn lucky, huh?"

"So is she, Edward." My smile widened as I looked back down on my sleeping angel.

"Thanks, man. I'll talk to you later."

"Sure thing…" The line went dead and I flipped my phone shut at the tone.

Bella's eyes fluttered open and she frowned almost instantly. "You're too far away." I smiled at her attempt at a pout before sliding back down into my previous position.

"Sorry, baby. I was trying not to wake you."

"Hmm, who was on the phone?" She asked sleepily.

"Emmett. We're gonna stick in our tents. The rain's due to go off in an hour or so and then we're gonna decide on what to do."

"So I have you to myself for another hour or so?"

I laughed as she copied the timeframe I had given her, and sighed like a sap as she wrapped herself even tighter around me.

"You have me forever, love."

"God, that sounds so good. You have no idea."

I smiled at the top of the tent, my heart skipping madly in my chest.

"It'll be better than good, beautiful. I'm gonna make sure it's always better than good."

Her head jerked up and her eyes narrowed. I was confused at the action, thinking she was angry or annoyed, but the smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth ruined her mocking gesture.

"Where do you get this stuff? Do you practice in your spare time or something? Stand in front of the mirror trying to figure out what'll take the legs out from under Bella the best?"

I laughed loudly before I could stop myself, noting the serious look on her face only making my laugh harder. I gripped at my stomach as I felt tears roll from the corners of my eyes. Bella didn't last long before she joined me, giggling quietly as she took my hand in hers. She folded her legs into a basket and sat beside my hip. I placed my hand on her leg, just so that I had more contact.

"No, babe. I just look at you and say whatever comes to mind. Half the time I only need to think of you and it's enough. However, if my brothers ever find out, I will deny it vehemently."

She rolled her eyes as she looked down at me and I only smirked in response. It was true. It was enough knowing I was acting like a love-sick fool, but for my brothers to witness it, or any other man for that matter, I'd never live it down.

"You just make me feel so special, and you barely even look like you realize you're doing it." She shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that it meant a lot to her.

"I'm glad. I want you to always know how special you are to me. If you ever doubt yourself, Bella, you only have to ask me and I'll remind you. I'll always be here for you."

She nodded slowly, and I realized it was the first time she had ever really acknowledged anything I had said about our future. I hoped maybe she was finally beginning to believe in what I said. If I had my way, we'd always be together.

"I love you," she murmured, before leaning down and pressing her lips to mine gently.

During the course of our conversation the sun had risen and had begun to shine weakly through the rainclouds above us. The water continued to drop relentlessly atop our tent, but it was definitely a modest time of the morning now. I checked my phone to know for sure and felt proud of my powers of deduction. It was just hitting nine a.m.

"What do you suggest we do?" I asked her, not wanting her to become bored while we were stuck in.

She bit her lip, and I was instantly intrigued as to what she was thinking. Whatever it was, she was nervous in voicing it.

"Would you…no, never mind." She blushed furiously, only piquing my interest.

"Why are you embarrassed? You can ask me anything, love. You know I'd do anything for you." A smile pulled her lips up, telling me she was happy with my answer.

"I brought homework…it's a bit lame…" she trailed off.

"What did you want?" I urged.

"Would you read to me? I mean…that day in English…I thought we could get it out of the way, seeing as we're just lying here…"

I smiled, reading to her was probably the easiest thing she could have asked me to do. When I nodded, she dug into her bag and turned back to me with her battered school copy of Shakespeare's Sonnets. I had completely forgotten that Mr. Berty had decided we would concentrate on the sonnets instead of the usual Romeo and Juliet coursework.

"Which one?"

She bit her lip once again as she thought them through. My girl was intelligent enough to know which ones she liked best and was trying to decide which one she wanted to hear first.

"We've to concentrate on eighteen, one hundred and sixteen, and one hundred and thirty eight. Can we start with one hundred and sixteen, though?"

I smirked. I knew she was going to choose that one. I was happy in the fact that I knew her well enough to make that guess. It was her favourite one, and I was going to take great pleasure in reading it to her.

I cleared my throat dramatically, revelling in Bella's resulting laughter, before I opened it at her bookmarked page. I rested my head back on my bent arm and waited for Bella to get comfy by my side before I began to read softly.

"_Let me not to the marriage of true minds_

_Admit impediments. Love is not love_

_Which alters when it alteration finds,_

_Or bends with the remover to remove:_

_O no! It is an ever-fixed mark_

_That looks on tempests and is never shaken;_

_It is the star to every wandering bark,_

_Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken._

_Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks_

_Within his bending sickle's compass come:_

_Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,_

_But bears it out even to the edge of doom._

_If this be error and upon me proved,_

_I never writ, nor no man ever loved."_

She sighed gently when I finished up, but made no move to get up. When I looked down on her, there was a small smile playing at her lips. With her eyes closed, she looked so serene that I promised to continue reading until I lost my voice if it would keep her that way.

She broke the silence with yet another unexpected statement. "God, you could read me the dictionary and it would kill me."

She didn't blush or stutter or anything and while I tried to fight my laughter, again, I couldn't. However, while I chuckled this time, my heart expanded at the thought that she really was that affected by me. It was a heady notion to know I had that much power over both her mind and her body by doing as little as possible.

Bella rolled onto her side, opening her eyes so that I could gaze into their endless brown depths. She smiled sweetly as I bent my head until our mouths met, and I groaned when she deliberately kept it chaste. It was never going to be enough.

I rolled until I was hovering above her, disbelieving that we were in this situation again. I simply couldn't get enough of her - she would never be able to keep my satiated for any more than an hour tops. It was fucking ridiculous, and while I was sure blue balls could be dangerous, it all felt too good to care.

The book was long forgotten as our make-out session heated up again, or at least, I thought it was. Bella pushed me off her with an innocent smile before picking it up and handing it back to me. When I groaned she only hit the book off my forehead and rolled away with a giggle. How could she just turn it off like that?

I adjusted myself in my jeans – quite obviously, so she'd know – and settled back in. I may or may not have huffed a couple of times for good measure. Bella only patted me mock-sympathetically on my chest before laying her head back down on my shoulder.

With Bella asking questions and the two of us talking through our answers, it took a lot longer to go through forty-two lines than it should have. However, like Bella listening to me read, hearing Bella answer so eloquently, intelligently and surely made me smile and my pride to swell.

She really was far more intelligent than any of us and I knew I was a fucking lucky guy. How often did you get beauty, intelligence, morals, kindness, selflessness and strength in one girl? I had seriously caught myself the perfect girl.

Emmett's estimation was nearly spot on, when just over ninety minutes later, the rain eased off and the sounds of the forest filled its place.

Bella pulled me reluctantly from my spot on our mattress, tugged on her hiking boots and stood just outside our tent door. When she stretched in the open air, her jacket rose up, revealing a slither of tempting skin to my eyes.

She jumped when my cool fingers trailed a path between her tops and her jeans, but she made no comment as I stood up beside her and kept my fingers there deliberately. I'd get her back for teasing me earlier if it was the last thing I did.

When my fingers dipped beneath the top of her jeans, I noticed her chest rising and falling in quick succession and smirked. I pulled her tight to my chest as we watched Jasper and Rose appear from their respective tents, making sure there wasn't an inch of space between us.

She moaned ever-so-quietly when my want for her became glaringly obvious, her hips shifting slightly to rub against me. I knew I had her hook, line and sinker, and with another smirk I pulled away from her quickly, making sure my hand trailed across her abdomen as I did so.

I could feel more than see her glaring at me as I put some space between us, but I refused to turn back, but could no longer fight the smile on my face. I wanted to laugh so badly, but I knew it would anger her more than was necessary and battled to keep it inside.

"Alright, ladies and gents!" Emmett clapped his hands together to get our attention and I'm pretty sure he scared all the birds from the nearby tress in the process. "We're sticking to our plan. We're just an hour or so behind. Everyone's got their maps, just don't forget to bring whatever you'll want or need because we'll be a few hours."

We had decided at lunch one day during the week that we'd hit a trail on the Saturday – today. It was designated for walkers and weaved its way through the national park and surrounding hills. Rose was really interested in photography according to Bella, so it was no surprise to me that she had an expensive looking camera around her neck and Emmett was carrying a black case over his shoulder for her.

Bella had packed us a bag especially for today before we had left, with an assortment of things in it that I couldn't even begin to guess at. When I bent to pick it up I saw her move from the corner of my eye – she was going to carry it. After our near argument the day before, I straightened up and handed it to her, making damn sure I wasn't smirking or smiling in the slightest. She looked up at me with raised eyebrows before turning her back to me, and I slipped in over her arms and onto her slim shoulders.

We both tied our waterproofs around our waists, double checked we had bottles of water, and set off behind Em and Rose, our hands entwined exactly like theirs.

Much like the day before, my baby sister was incredibly quiet, but any time I turned around she was either smiling at something Jasper had said to her, or leaning against him and simply enjoying our walk. I reminded myself that Emmett and I had yet to have the usual big brother chat with Jasper, and that by the looks of it, it was needed.

They had only been together officially for a week or so, but they looked just as serious as Bella and I. I trusted Jasper, especially after how he had looked after my girl, but Alice was the baby of the family, I had to make sure she was going to be looked after ten times as much. The only thing that justified that level of thinking was that now that Bella had me, _she'd_ be looked after that much too.

When we reached a certain point in our hike that the map had specifically pointed out was best for viewing, we settled around on makeshift benches and unpacked our separate lunches. Bella had outdone our friends once again by making the both of us some homemade chicken pasta salad, and I made sure to voice how good it was any time Em was listening.

"Babe, why didn't you make us pasta?" He whined. I cringed, thinking Rose would blow a gasket, but to my surprise she only laughed. They really were perfect for each other.

"_Babe_, I can't cook for shit. It would be so bad even you wouldn't eat it." We all laughed, and I smiled as Bella held out a forkful to my sulking oaf of a brother.

He moaned appreciatively, causing us all to laugh again as Rose set up her camera and all her equipment. Bella seemed enthralled in what she was doing, and as she went to help I watched her carefully. I took in every nervous lip-bite when she was unsure, every little smile when Rose said something quietly, and every tiny blush when both of them would look our way.

It dawned on me, that since we had gotten together, Bella blushed less and less. I realized that she would see that as a triumph, but I missed seeing and feeling the heat bloom across her face and chest. It was fucking sexy as hell.

Rose called Alice over, stating that she needed another pair of hands, but when I looked back at them and found Bella doing nothing, it was obvious it was her way of including her. Once Alice had vacated the table, Emmett caught my eye and pointed his head towards Jasper in a move so un-subtle that even Jasper laughed.

"Let's have at it then, boys." Jasper clapped his hands together, looking between us.

I chuckled at Jasper's laidback tone and Emmett's expression of both confusion and disappointment. There was no way Jasper was going to be an easily intimidated potential boyfriend. Just by that one action it was obvious to me he was going to stand the test of time.

"All I'm gonna say, is that if you look after my sister half as well as you looked after my girl, we'll be good." I noticed Em nod and wondered how much he knew about Bella. We had never actually sat down and talked about anything – simply because it wasn't my story to tell – but something told me he knew most of it anyway. He was close to Jasper, though, so maybe that's why.

"Bells is my best friend. I never took you aside and warned you, Edward. I'm sure I don't have to, but the same principal applies here. You hurt her and you have me to deal with." He was deadly serious, and while he could definitely be intimidating, I only felt utter respect for him. I nodded in agreement.

"Guess our days of pranks and intimidation are over, bro," Emmett chimed in. I chuckled lightly, knowing he was right. "Welcome to our fucked-up family, man!" We all laughed, but there was an underlying strain in the way he said it that I caught.

When I looked over at him, he only nodded in my direction before steering the conversation back onto football. I knew my absence from casa-de-Cullen was putting strain on our family, but as I looked back to Bella, I couldn't imagine being able to leave her. It would hurt us both too much. We had played ourselves into a corner by getting too comfortable spending all our time together.

The three of us had completely missed the fact that Rose was happily snapping away as we had talked, and all three of them were smiling about something when I looked back. Rose had the camera trained on Emmett, but I was pretty sure there were some interesting action shots of all of us on there.

To prove me right, she called for group shots, and so ensued at least an hour of chaos while she directed us into shots. There were couples ones, ones with just us guys, a Cullen one, one with Alice, Jasper, Bella and me, and at least a hundred of all of us goofing about doing different things.

She then set the camera on a tripod and ran into the midst of us. Emmett picked her up and slung her across his shoulder and turned his back to the camera just in time for the flash to go off, all of us laughing uproariously. She managed to calm us down somewhat, and when she flicked through the pictures later on, she smiled and said thank you for the memories she had managed to capture. She even managed to get a little emotional, and it took a hug and a quiet word from Bella to get the joking queen back. My girl was amazing at everything.

Rose snapped away quietly for the rest of our hike, lost in her own little bubble, with only Emmett by her side. Bella and I brought up the rear of the pack this time and we both smiled and commented on how happy both Jasper and Alice looked.

"She's so lucky. I hope you didn't give him too hard a time, Edward. He's the best thing that could ever happen to her." I nodded. If it had been a month earlier I would have been battling the green monster on my back at the way Bella had described him, but no longer. I knew she loved him; he was all she had for so long that it would be hard to believe anything else.

I was sure it was hard on her to see him moving on and happy with someone else, but we quietly talked it through, and it turned out her fears were simply losing whatever she had had with Jasper. I reassured her that would never happen, knowing that Jasper would do whatever he could to always be there for her. When she smiled and kissed me chastely, she seemed lighter and happier, her face brightening as one more worry was lifted from her shoulders.

I did that.

By the time we made it back to our mini campsite, the darkness was falling rapidly. Us guys argued loudly when the girls said they wanted to build the fire, knowing we'd be there all night, but somehow they managed to win. I say somehow, but Bella even pretending to be angry was too sexy to say no to. I had no idea what the other two's excuses were.

Surprisingly - or not - depending on how you looked at it, the three of them had it built and burning in only twenty minutes. Yet another thing to add to my girl's list of attributes.

Despite the cold seeping through the trees, the six of us sat around the fire for even longer than the night before, talking loudly, drinking loudly, and Emmett eating loudly, too. The blankets came out around eleven o'clock and we all snuggled up to our respective partners, finding warmth and comfort in the person sharing our log.

I played with Bella's small fingers incessantly, suddenly engrossed in them. Maybe it was because I now knew what it was like to have those fingers trailing over my skin, or her short nails digging into my scalp or shoulders, but I was completely fascinated with them. Bella giggled more than once when I grabbed her hand back after she used it to tuck her hair behind her ear or poke the fire. Sitting beside her wasn't enough, I needed _tangible _contact.

The conversation died down as the girls started yawning, everyone feeling the effects of our long hike. We bid each other goodnight, but unlike the night before, Bella gave Rose a tight hug and even murmured a soft "goodnight" to Alice. Jasper and I caught gazes and smiled faintly – it was progress after all.

I let Bella clamber into our tent first; shamelessly checking out her ass in those jeans as she did so. I rolled my eyes at my antics – I was deliberately making things hard for myself now. Get it, hard?

I dived onto the mattress to Bella's squealing protests and wriggled out of my boots. I lined them up next to her small ones in our little porch area before zipping all the compartments until it was just us in our compact space.

By the time I had fixed everything and made space for us by pushing our bags into the corner, I turned to find Bella out like a light. Disappointment didn't even register, despite having thought of nothing but our previous night together. She was wiped and I took great comfort in tucking her in and stretching out beside her, making sure that I tucked her into me as well before letting myself relax.

I sighed gently. I had a new and deep appreciation for this tent now. Not only did it remind me of a weekend more normal than one I had had in over six months, but it was completely ours. So much had happened, so much progress had been made between the two of us in that small space, that this weekend would always hold a place in my heart.

Bella sighed quietly in her sleep and snuggled closer under the makeshift duvet.

Yes, we could do normal.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Soooo, what did we think?**

**A lot of you are getting a bit antsy for the big reveal - rightly so - but don't worry it is definitely coming. I'm sure you can understand that E&B need this before the shit hits the fan...again... :P**

**For all the goss on whats coming up follow me on twitter :) You can also follow my blog over on www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com :) Just go to the panel on the right and click follow :)**

**Anyways, I hope you can review and let me know what you're thinking :) My reviews have depleted a lot over the last few chapters, so maybe your not enjoying them? :/**

**Love you all! :)**

**See you in two weeks! :)**

**xx**


	39. Promises to be Kept

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey lovelies!**

**It's been a long time, I know, but this chapter is longer than the last ten at least :P So a wee bitty extra for your patience!**

**What have you missed? Well, FMN turned 1 year old two weeks ago! :) And...drum roll please...I got into Uni! I'm moving 300 miles away in 4 months! Scary times!**

**Anyways, things will be settling down a bit for me, so I shouldn't leave you waiting this long again :)**

**Thank you to everyone who continues to support me and this fic! Your reviews mean the world to me! :P**

**SM owns all things Twilight**

**Enjoy, and I'll talk to you at the bottom :)**

* * *

**Chapter 39: Promises To Be Kept**

It's empty in the valley of your heart  
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk  
Away from all the fears  
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat  
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see  
But I have seen the same  
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope  
And I won't let you choke  
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain  
And I will change my ways  
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time  
You take what is yours and I'll take mine  
Now let me at the truth  
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears  
I can see widows and orphans through my tears  
I know my call despite my faults  
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope  
And I won't let you choke  
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain  
And I will change my ways  
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands  
And see the world hanging upside down  
You can understand dependence  
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call  
And sing all you want  
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now  
And I need to know how  
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope  
And I won't let you choke  
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain  
And I will change my ways  
I'll know my name as it's called again

_The Cave – Mumford & Sons_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

I jumped when the doorbell rang – I seriously wasn't ready for this.

Rosalie laid her hand on my shoulder, soothing away my worries with a smile via the mirror. I was so thankful for her being there for me that I felt the emotion building in my chest.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I rolled my eyes, I should be beyond asking that question, I cried nearly every day at _something_. I was beginning to wonder if I should go back to the doctor, no one should be this hormonal.

Rosalie had come around to the house in the early afternoon to help me get ready, because really, I had no freaking clue what to do when it came to this sort of thing. It had always just been normal; no pressure, no expectations, but now? This was entirely different, and I wasn't completely sure I understood why.

I looked at myself in the mirror one last time when I heard voices from the living room. My dress was black, but it looked far from boring when I gazed on it. It had a square neckline with simple cap sleeves, a fitted corset that buttoned subtly up the back and an a-line skirt that hit me above the knees.

Rosalie told me to twirl with her finger and I giggled when I did. God, it felt good to do that. I hugged her tightly, silently thanking her for helping me prepare for this moment. She squeezed me back, understanding how important this all was to me.

I had practiced in my heels at every chance I had and felt sure of myself as I slipped them on and picked up my purse from the bed. I was at the top of the stairs before I had an idea, and I darted back into my room again.

I heard Rose tell the people downstairs that I had forgotten something and that I'd only be a minute. There was a slight rumble of laughter, but I ignored it, set on finding the box under my bed.

I had to get down on my knees to find it. It had been shoved under so far that I couldn't reach it easily, and I remembered why. I had been angry, upset, and broken – the box suffered the brunt of it, along with my own body.

Relief washed over me as I finally got it out and I took a deep breath before opening it slowly.

"Bella? Is everything okay?" Rose looked down on me, crumpled on the floor, and a look of panic crossed her face before I smiled at her.

"Yeah, I, uh, I had to get something," I answered shakily. I waited until she had perched on the edge of my mattress before sitting beside her, the wooden box on my lap.

"What's all this?"

It was clear by the look on her face that she knew the answer when she looked at it properly.

My hands shook as I reached into the box, flipping through dozens of dusty photos and silly mementos. This was my life – to a degree – in one unassuming wooden box. My whole summer was cramped into it, the summer where I grew up, lived life for the first time. The summer when I fell in love and my life was changed forever.

I ignored the pictures, knowing it would hurt me too much to look at them, and I didn't have the time. I knew what I was looking for, and I knew I was taking a chance, but it just felt – right.

I picked up a little blue box from the bottom and heard Rose gasp lightly from beside me. I placed the bigger box back on the bed and took yet another deep breath as I opened my gift – much like I had the first time.

There, nestled in the fabric right where I had left it, was the single most expensive thing I owned. It had only been worn once – on a special night out in New York, where diamonds were expected of you.

"Oh my God," Rose mumbled, awe evident in her voice. Yeah, it had that effect on me the first time, too. In fact, it had that effect on me now.

_Then: Summer 2009_

_I nearly stumbled on the way down the stairs in the Masen's apartment, but caught myself at the bottom. Edward's hand shot out in case I needed his help, but I was proud of myself for not needing it._

_I looked up, wondering why he was being so quiet, and found his gaze locked-but-not-quite-there as he looked at me. He looked somewhat dazed, and I wondered if I could really have that effect on someone._

_The girl in the shop had told me I looked beautiful and that the dress "was simply made for me." I had bought it with some trepidation, but it seemed as if she was right._

"_Edward?" His eyes snapped to mine and a lazy smile spread across his face, making me smile in return._

"_You look so beautiful, Bella. I can't believe how lucky I got." He shook his head slowly, sadly, as he held his hand out to me._

"_Luck has nothing to do with it, Edward. You saved me, remember?" He scowled at the mention of our meeting in the museum, but I reached up and smoothed out the lines on his forehead._

_He seemed to remember something, and his face morphed into one of mischief and happiness. I smiled automatically in response, loving to see the boyish side of him. _

"_I got you something!" I groaned – loudly – as he pulled away from me. I took the opportunity to really drink him in, my mouth drying up as I let my eyes travel over him._

_His suit was tailored to within an inch of its life and clung to him perfectly. I didn't know much about suits, but this one looked expensive and sat on Edward's body in a way that screamed confidence and sexiness. I may have only seen his body a couple of times while he changed his shirt, and I may have had nothing to compare it to, but for seventeen I was pretty sure he was flawless._

_This suit told everyone else that. It was black, with the slightest shine to it and had a silk black lining around the lapels and down the side of the pants. He definitely belonged on a red carpet – Chase Crawford eat your heart out. _

_He didn't look like a seventeen year old boy; he looked like a grown man, who was sure in himself and his future. _

_How deceiving could looks be?_

_In fact, we were_ in_ New York, and by the way we were dressed it was very likely we could rub shoulders with some celebs in whatever swanky place Edward was taking us to. I'd be able to compare later on._

"_Bella?" Edward pulled me out of my thoughts, and my eyes zeroed in on a little blue box sitting atop his outstretched hand. I gasped – wasn't that what we all did in situations like that? I was pretty sure that those little blue boxes were synonymous with gasps of shock and surprise._

_Noticing that I wasn't moving anywhere, Edward stepped forward, grasped my hand in his and handed over the box. Instead of looking at it, however, I was back to looking at the boy – man – in front of me._

_His breath was washing over my face, his warmth was permeating the air around me, and his scent was intoxicating me. My eyes were locked with his, but I noticed the corner of his mouth pick up – he knew exactly what he was doing to me._

"_Don't you want to know what it is?" he asked softly, a hint of amusement in his voice. I shook my head, knowing I probably looked a little stupid just standing there. We weren't having "a moment," but something was going on between us. He was still looking at me softly, and I couldn't tear my gaze away._

"_Don't let go," he whispered next, looking at me sternly before smiling again._

_His hands lifted off mine and I felt him open the box now resting on my palm. His fingers didn't fumble as he lifted whatever it was out of the box before gently snapping it shut again._

_I was brought out of my trance-like state when Edward stepped out of my line of vision. I blinked to clear the haze from my eyes and tensed when I felt him behind me. I jumped when his hands were suddenly in front of my face, but I soon realized what he was doing. _

_There was a fine silver chain dangling from his fingers, and it was soon around my neck and being fastened by Edward's cool, nimble fingers. My hair had been swept up to "compliment the dress," and I shivered when he made contact with my bare skin._

_I felt it drop when he let go of the chain, and my eyes bulged at how heavy the jewellery around my neck actually was. When my fingers came up to explore it, Edward bent forward and pressed a kiss against my shoulder where the chain was resting. He didn't pull back, leaving his lips against my skin, and I sighed contentedly at how happy that gesture made me._

_It was a startling conclusion to come to - he didn't need to buy me things, I only needed him._

"_Edward, what is this?" It surprised even me that I managed to find my voice with everything that was going on in my head._

"_Something to remember me by," he murmured – so lowly that I wondered if he meant for me to hear him. I turned in his loose grip and manoeuvred so I was looking in his eyes._

"_How could I ever forget you?" He smiled so sincerely that I had no doubt my answer had been exactly what he needed to hear._

"_Come here." He pulled me over to the mirror on the wall and stood behind me again, his lip caught in his teeth as he awaited my reaction._

_My eyes fell from his reflection to the piece of him that was resting below my throat. There, on a fine silver chain, was a diamond shaped charm with NY carved into it in a slanted scrawl, with "forever" below it. That part made me tear up - it was perfect for me, for us. It was the dozens of tiny diamonds surrounding it, however, that made me turn back to him with narrowed eyes and my hands on my hip._

"_Edward!" He cringed – quite rightfully – at my screech._

"_Uhm…they're not real? I got it discounted? I found it?" He actually managed to make me smile as he tried to talk his way out of it – he knew exactly why I was upset._

"_This -" I turned back to the mirror, gazing at it in awe. "This is so much, Edward, it must have cost a fortune…I can't…"_

"_Don't! Don't tell me you can't accept it, Bella because I know you can. Yes, it was expensive, but I suddenly have a wealth of money at my fingertips and nothing to spend it on. You are the only thing that means anything to me, and if I want to spoil you, I'm going to. Don't take that away from me…"_

_I swallowed – hard. I wasn't entirely sure if he was aware of what he had just said and how it sounded, but it had my heart pounding in my chest._

_I shook my head in answer; of course I wasn't going to take that away from him. I already knew how he felt about buying me things - he said it made him feel better because it gave him a purpose, like he was looking after me._

_Reaching my arms up, I placed my hands on either side of his face, locking my gaze with his. I was trembling from top to toe, and I was sure he had noticed when his hands came up and grasped mine against his jaw._

"_I mean it. You mean everything to me, Bella." I tried to battle the smile that wanted to spread across my face, thinking it would make me seem cocky or conceited, but I couldn't help it. Hearing him say something so ground-breaking made me feel so happy, and so _wanted.

"_There's the smile I wanted," he whispered. I giggled – I couldn't stop it from bubbling out of me. Those three little words were on the tip of my tongue, and I opened my mouth to say them before I clamped it shut again – it was too soon for that sort of confession. We'd only known each other a little over a month – Christ, we'd only had our first kiss five days ago. Not that I was counting or anything._

"_What?" he asked, his ability to read me once again proving useful for him and inconvenient for me. I shook my head, more for my benefit as I tried to shake the words off my tongue._

"_Thank you. It's beautiful and I love it." _

_The smile that broke across his face in response almost knocked me over. He ducked his head and secured my lips in a heated kiss before I could react._

"_Come on, I want to show you off tonight." He winked at me before opening the apartment door and hooking my arm through his._

_He held me securely to his side and even when we were walking I could feel his eyes on me. He was happy, and thus it rubbed off on me._

I shook my head, bringing my thoughts back into the present. I looked down on my priceless gift. Of course, it_ wasn't_ priceless; I had checked how much it was. I wish I hadn't, it couldn't be healthy to know you were wearing nearly two thousand dollars around your neck when you could barely afford to shout for dinner.

His words from later on that night floated back to me when I lifted it out of the box.

_I want you to always remember this place, Bella. This will always be the most important place for us._

Rose's voice broke through to me. "Bella, it's beautiful…"

"But?"

"Are you sure you should wear it? It's quite obvious where it came from and _who_…"

"I know, but it just feels right, you know? I can't even explain it, but nothing bad is going to come of this. Not tonight anyway. Who knows, maybe a little push is all he needs?"

She nodded at me, probably realizing there was no point in arguing with me. I heard her mumble "this is going to be bad" before I held up my cascading curls. I sighed gently when she secured it around my neck. Months of insecurity and doubt vanished, and when I stood up I felt better than I ever had since this whole fucked-up situation began.

"Knock him dead, girl." Rose hugged me quickly one last time before making her way down the stairs and saying goodbye to the two men waiting at the bottom.

I felt like one of those girls in the movies, whose boyfriend waits at the bottom of the stairs on prom night, trying not to look intimidated by their girlfriend's father. I guess it wasn't too far off, only this wasn't my prom night. No, this was something so much more special – Edward was taking me on our second first official date.

I noticed my scarf wound around the bannister at the bottom of the stairs and made the split decision to wear it – already doubting my choice of jewellery for the night. I wrapped it around my neck before stopping in the middle of the living room.

Edward stood slowly from his spot on the sofa, and just looking at him was enough to take my breath away. It would have been too much if it had been the same suit from that night in New York, and I shook my head, reminding myself we were only going out for dinner in the Port. A suit would have been too much period.

With a wink and a sly look at my father he handed over a simple ivory envelope, and I couldn't help the grin that overtook my face. I had come to depend on this little gesture every day and found myself looking forward to it as much as seeing my boy every day.

On Sunday when we arrived home from our camping trip, he had left an unsuspecting envelope on the middle of my bed. It simply read,_ I promise to never let you feel alone._

On Monday he had somehow managed to get it into my locker without me noticing._ I promise I'll always be listening._

On Tuesday he had smuggled it into the brown paper bag he had brought back from the bakery, and I had blushed as I opened it in front of our whole lunch table. _I promise to kiss you every day and more. _He had then proceeded to prove it by engaging us in PDA far too risqué for our setting.

Wednesday saw me find one wedged inside my copy of Shakespeare's Sonnets – beside my favourite one. _I promise to always be there when you need me, no matter the distance or the reason._

I had to excuse myself from class after that one because it reminded me of everything I'd gone through without him. He hadn't meant to upset me and he had apologised profusely for it for the rest of the day. He knew – of course he knew why I had got upset, but something told me that deep down inside – on that day – _he knew._ I could see it in his eyes – he was hiding from it.

I found Thursdays under my windscreen wiper, even though he hadn't stayed over and he wasn't picking me up. I laughed at his ninja antics before his words sobered me up. _I promise things will only ever get better._ I decided not to tell him that one had upset me, too.

By Friday I was eagerly anticipating my envelope, and became increasingly disappointed when one didn't show up. Edward would see me watching him, looking for another little promise, but he wouldn't say anything. He'd just squeeze me tighter and smile faintly before turning his attention back to whatever was happening.

I hadn't realized just how much they had come to mean to me over the previous five days until I crawled into bed, sad and alone. If Edward had been there, it wouldn't have hit so hard, but I knew he needed to stay with his own family.

He had sort-of moved back into the Cullen house on Sunday night when we returned from the wilderness, and I had stood by his decision. I was there, I saw how happy it made both Alice and his father, and it meant the world to them just to have him back in the same house.

I had covered up the welling distress in me. I had reverted back to the way I had been when he first told me he loved me in the meadow. I had an irrational fear that if he wasn't around I was somehow going to lose him.

He only held me tighter and whispered how much he loved me before dropping me off at home. Charlie saw the change in me almost immediately, and tried to keep my mind off Edward's departure. I hugged him tight, too, telling him just how much I loved him in a not-so-rare Charlie/Bella emotional moment.

Edward made sure to phone me every night before we went to bed, but it was nothing compared to the feeling of his arms around me as I drifted off, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that. I couldn't make him feel guilty for trying to mend things with his family and living in his _own home_.

However, that night when he didn't answer his phone, he sent me a text instead, telling me to look under my pillow. That alone was enough to bring the smile back to my face, there _was_ another promise.

_I promise to always keep you safe._

I rang him again, and this time when he did answer it was with a soft sigh on his end and a light giggle from me. I was so in love with that boy that it was crazy – the fact that he felt the same way made it impossible for me to curb the grin I was always walking around with.

Not only did he excel in making me feel safe, but making me feel wanted, loved and cherished, too. I was young, but I also knew how rare it was to find that in someone else.

I shifted my eyes to my dad and back to Edward, silently asking if I should open it then and there. Edward simply smiled and nodded, and I wasted no time in sliding my finger under the flap and pulling it open.

_I promise to give you everything you will ever need._

He looked so unsure under the sweet smile on his face that I had to do something. My father seemed to realize the moment had turned somewhat personal, and stepped out of the room quietly as I stepped up to my boy.

Winding my arms around his neck, I let him take control and bring me in tightly to his warm body. I sank into him, my head resting on his shoulder and my lips near his neck.

"The only thing I need is you." He shivered lightly when I pressed a kiss to his Adams apple before he pulled back sharply. Without giving me time to react, he pressed his lips to mine desperately, trying to convey exactly how he was feeling.

"God, I love you," he growled lowly before pressing a softer, gentler kiss to my lips. "Come on, I want to spoil you, we should get going."

Taking my hand in his, he led me back out into the hall and I shouted goodbye to my father. He appeared in the kitchen doorway, telling us both to be careful and to have a good time.

"I want her home in one piece, you hear me? And at a respectable hour." Charlie played his part so well that Edward's grip tightened around my hand. Weren't they supposed to be best buddies?

"Of course, sir. She'll be safe with me, I promise." I watched my dad soften at my boy's words, and I grinned widely at the pair of them. I certainly felt safe, even when he was only holding my hand.

"Bye, Daddy." I hugged him tightly before grabbing Edward's arm and letting him lead me to the car.

It was still light out as we left in time to get to the Port for dinner at a reasonable time. I had no idea what Edward had planned for afterwards, but I hoped it was _something_; otherwise we'd be home at _too_ respectable an hour.

When Edward shut the passenger door behind me, my eyes noticed yet another envelope, this time taped to the dashboard. I giggled like a little girl as I tore it gently off, trying to rein in my excitement when Edward climbed in on the other side.

"Can I open it now?" I don't know what made me ask, I'd never felt the need to before.

"Of course you can." He smiled gently but otherwise ignored the situation as he reversed out of the driveway and took us out of Forks.

There was something about this envelope that was slightly different, however, and I wondered what he had up his sleeve. It clearly didn't just have a slip of paper in it, because it was stiff. It was a card.

I slipped my finger under the flap and pulled the red square out, my eyes widening when I took in the writing on the front.

_Happy Valentines Day_ was printed across the top with '_To The Only Girl I'll Love' _written at the bottom. I smiled like a loon when I opened it up to see his own personal paragraphs written elegantly on the inside. I had honestly believed he had forgotten. It had been nearly three weeks since Valentines weekend and it had all gone wrong. The weekend when he found out about his family – about his mom.

He had – probably unknowingly – made our date even more special by making sure we hadn't completely missed the chance to celebrate this particular holiday.

_My Bella,_

_ I can't apologise enough that you are only getting this now. We should have had our special weekend all those weeks ago, but once again you put me before yourself and didn't even question it. I have never thanked you for taking me in when I needed it most. If it hadn't been for you, my love, I know I would never have made it through this, again._

_The love that you show me every day is the only thing that gets me through – the only thing that keeps the hurt and anger at bay. I know it won't always be this way and I know the pain you have suffered and still suffer, but I love you more than words can say, and I hope that someday that will do for you what yours does for me._

_There is no other girl for me, I know that. You know that, and you've given me more time than I deserve over this. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough for you yet and writing is the only way I can say this._

_I love you, Bella, and I always will. Never doubt that and never forget it either._

_You are it for me and no matter what happens in the future, I promise I will remember that, too._

_Yours forever,_

_Edward xx_

I think it shocked even me that I wasn't crying. Why wasn't I crying? I had cried at every single thing in the past three months and yet this had no effect.

I was in shock - that was what it must have been. I read and re-read the whole thing, not believing what was actually written in front of me. He couldn't actually mean what I thought he meant, could he? No, of course not.

Edward's hand found mine and he grasped it so tightly that I gasped, his touch bringing me back from whatever little bubble I had been in. The sound of the road beneath the car and the heating blasting around us filtered through to my ears, and I finally remembered where we were – what we were doing.

"Bella? Bella, are you okay?"

It wasn't until he asked that I realized one last sound. Me - gasping for air. How melodramatic could I get?

"Ye – yes," I answered shakily. Maybe it hadn't sunk in yet?

I brought his hand up to my lips and pressed kiss after kiss into his skin, simply because it was the only part of him I could reach. I didn't want to make us later for our "date" by asking him to pull over just so I could maul him – no matter how tempting it sounded.

When I looked back at him, I found him watching the road with a serene smile on his face. He was happy. Actually happy, and that made _me_ happier than I'd been in months.

"I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. God you have no idea how much I love you, Edward. That's the sweetest thing I've ever read…ever…but…"

"No buts, Bella…it was a surprise…"

"How did you know what I was going to say?" I asked with a laugh.

"You were about to mention the fact that you never got me anything because you thought it was just a date…" he replied smugly. I hit him playfully, but he caught my hand with his freed one and brought it up to his lips, doing exactly what I did to him until he had to change gear.

"It was never just a date, Edward. Would you believe that I was so nervous Rose had to calm be down at least a dozen times today?"

"If you were anywhere near as nervous as me, then yes, I do, love." He squeezed my fingers on top of the gear stick. He laughed when he looked around at me and found me smiling right at him, as widely as I could. Could he be any more perfect for me?

"You were nervous?"

"Hell yes," he laughed. "I've been planning this for so long, I had pictures of it all going wrong." He shook his head slowly, but the smile didn't disappear.

"I don't really care what we do. I just want it to be with you." I leaned over the console quickly and pressed my lips to the corner of his mouth.

"Emmett said you'd say that. That was his way of calming me down." We both laughed before we lapsed into conversation about my best friend and his brother.

By the time we arrived in the Port we had covered just how perfect they were for each other and how happy we were that they were. Rosalie had never had a good time with guys in our town and when Edward told me all the things his brother had done for her, my heart literally expanded.

"It must run in the family. You're both perfectly romantic."

With the engine off, Edward turned to me in his seat, his blazing eyes capturing mine instantly. I knew what I had said this time, and I meant it. It didn't matter what a piece of paper said, Emmett, Alice and Carlisle _were_ his family.

"Thank you," he mumbled quietly. He ducked across to me, his hand winding into the hair at the back of my head and pulling me the extra distance so that our lips touched.

I tried to recall a time when Edward's kisses didn't set me alight, but I wasn't sure there was such a point of reference. Even in the beginning – the very beginning – when he was reserved and unsure because it was the beginning of our relationship – a simple touch would suffice. I was pretty sure that by now he knew just the kind of effect he could have on me.

"As much as I'd love to do this all night, I want to treat you to a first date dinner." The smile that graced his face was so mischievous and boyish that I pulled him back to me for one last kiss. I had missed the carefree days more than anyone could possibly ever imagine.

"Lead the way…"

He winked before hopping out of the car and heading around to my side. I had the good graces to wait for him to open my door before attempting to get out, knowing it made him feel better when he was allowed to be old-fashioned.

"Mom always said that the way you treat a woman is the biggest testament to your character."

I stopped dead and looked at Edward, wondering if he had consciously decided to speak about Esme. It was the first time he had even acknowledged she existed since the blow up between them. When he smiled at me sadly, I decided to save the moment.

"Then you and Emmett must be the two best men out there. Rose and I are the luckiest girls in the world, but even I'm a little luckier than her, just don't tell her I told you that." I giggled when he smiled goofily, thankful I'd turned our mood around again.

"I think we may have covered every clichéd term there is this evening, baby." He leaned in and pecked my lips sweetly.

"Oh, I'm sure there are at least a dozen more." I hooked my arm through his, and laughing, we wandered into the restaurant to start our date.

"God, this is so good." I hummed around my fork, oblivious to the attention I was garnering. Oblivious until I opened my eyes and saw Edward staring at me darkly – like maybe he wanted to taste me, and _not_ the chocolate bomb on my plate.

"Bella…" he warned for the third time. I sighed and nodded, failing to hide the smile that settled on my face.

Edward huffed a laugh before going back to his toffee surprise, and I watched him as he speared a forkful and brought it up to his lips. He didn't even have to try and make it look sexy or sensual; it just was because it was him.

I wasn't paying attention to my own food and I noticed too late that some chocolate sauce was running off my spoon. I watched in slow motion as it dripped in a long splodge onto my scarf. Yeah, I hadn't taken it off.

Edward laughed at my problem and I stuck my tongue out at him to get him to shut up. I was nervous. I had thought it was a good idea, but the second I saw him in my living room I changed my mind. It seemed like a really bitchy thing to do, just shoving something so obvious in his face. Especially after reading his card.

I placed my fork down and brought my hands up to the back of my neck. Instead of unwinding my scarf, though, I tried desperately to find purchase on the clasp at the back of the chain. I fumbled around, knowing Edward was still watching me, probably wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

I got flustered and frustrated when I couldn't get the damn thing off, and for that reason alone I felt angry tears prick at my eyes. I was so stupid, in one move I was going to ruin his night and his mood, I could _tell._

"Bella, it's not that hard to take a scarf off!" Edward laughed again, but it stopped abruptly when I looked at him.

"I know!" I snapped. I sighed when his eyes widened in surprise. "Sorry. I'm sorry." I shook my head sadly when he smiled at me in reassurance before unwinding the soft material from my neck.

However, instead of the catastrophe I was waiting for, he only went back to eating his food. He didn't even notice the way my hands were shaking when I folded up my scarf and shoved it in my bag on the floor.

Not having the strength to look at him, I carried on as if nothing was amiss, that I wasn't internally freaking out, and picked my fork back up. I was only two bites in again when I felt Edward's eyes on me. Ignoring him, I took a long gulp of my water, wishing the ground would swallow me up.

I peeked at him over the top of my glass and saw his eyes trained on the charm hanging around my neck, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He wasn't angry or spaced out like he would be if he was remembering something – why was he confused?

"Bella?" I gulped when he raised his eyes to mine. I had no idea what to say, what could I have possibly said in that situation? I wanted to apologise, but I thought that might make things worse, it was already my fault I had it on. Why did I think it would be a good idea to wear it?

I waited with my breath held for him to say something, but it never came. His eyes kept darting from the chain to his food, to the chain and back to his drink, but no words came out of him.

How I desperately wanted to know what was going through his head.

Eventually, it seemed like he was looking anywhere _but _at the silver around my throat. He seemed really uncomfortable, constantly shifting in his seat as he kept his eyes trained on the melting dessert in front of him.

I reached back up to the base of my neck, and as luck would have it, finally found the small delicate clasp. Without trying to move too much, I undid it and brought it down to my lap where I re-joined it. Edward still wasn't looking at me, so I bent over slowly and slipped it into the inside pocket of my bag.

Several minutes passed after I straightened back up when he still didn't say anything.

_Save this, Bella._

"Edward?" His eyes flew to mine immediately, darting via my now bare neck. He seemed relieved and a small smile spread across his face.

"Have you had enough?" he asked, pretending as if the last five minutes hadn't happened. What was he doing? I could only nod, puzzled by his behaviour.

He smiled at me sweetly, asking our passing waitress for the bill. When it came he placed the money in the folder and handed it back to her without so much as sparing her a glance. He stood up and came to stand behind my chair, picking up my jacket and waiting for me to slip into it.

I think I was in shock again. It was like he had completely blocked out what had just happened, like he was a small child and thought he could just pretend something bad hadn't happened.

His fingers trailed up my arms and over my shoulders as he helped me into my jacket, and I shivered under his gentle touch. He held out his crooked elbow for me with yet another sweet smile and led us back out of the restaurant when I slipped my arm into the space.

"I'm sorry," I finally said when we walked along the water. We'd been walking in silence for too long and I could no longer take it.

"There's nothing to apologise for, Bella." He squeezed me to him, sounding fine, acting fine, but everything was far from fine.

I sighed; there wasn't anything I could do. Maybe I should have been thankful that he wasn't freaking out on me, or screaming at me because he'd finally put it together. But we'd been here before.

I was positive he _knew_. He just wasn't facing it, and it was going to cause more problems in the long run.

That day we had sat on my sofa and talked about our pasts, he had told me he wasn't ready for me to tell him any more.

He was hiding.

He was the one lying, he was lying to himself.

He was the one holding us back.

He _knew._

I didn't know whether to be relieved he'd finally figured it out, angry that he wasn't doing anything about it, or scared that the worst was yet to come.

"I love you, Edward. You know that, right?" He stopped suddenly, and leaned his back against the railing, pulling me to stand in front of him.

"Of course I do." He was lying. Not about knowing I loved him, because he did, but he was hiding how he really felt.

"Thank you for tonight, for the card, for what you wrote. It was all perfect." I decided to play along; maybe if I kept reminding him of the things he had said tonight, he'd get the hint.

"You deserve it. You've been through so much…" A flash of pain swept across his face before he hid it again.

I shivered involuntarily when a cool breeze blew in from the sea.

"Come here," Edward urged gently.

He was smiling too much. He pulled me into him, wrapping his strong arms around my body, encasing me in him. I snuggled into my favourite hoodie under his jacket and soaked up everything that was Edward.

"Do you want to head back?" he asked gently.

I shook my head again. "Just hold me, please?"

I felt him nod before he answered me verbally. "Of course." I sighed when he pressed a kiss to the top of my head and buried his face into my hair.

Had we ever been closer? Both mentally and physically?

Despite the fact he wasn't admitting it to anyone – or himself – we had never been so close to being on the same page.

"Come on, I want to make out with you in my car before I return you to your father," Edward announced unexpectedly.

I laughed loudly and freely as he towed me back to the car. I had to jog in parts to keep up with him, but he only laughed louder when I protested about my heels.

"I'll kiss them better for you." He waggled his eyebrows when he pushed me up against the side of his car, looking down on my shoes almost longingly. "They make your legs look so sexy…" Shaking his head, as if coming out of a daydream, he grinned at me before pecking my lips quickly. "Get in! I don't want you getting cold! I told Charlie I'd bring you home in one piece."

I laughed as I slid into the passenger seat. "I don't think that's what he meant, Edward."

"No, maybe not, but I'm protecting you from everything." He nodded his head as he agreed with the statement he just made.

I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep them warm while the engine heated up. I furrowed my eyebrows when I felt something small and flat between my fingers. My heart skipped a beat because I knew what it was.

I pulled it out, noticing that Edward was watching me closely. He'd never watched me open one so interestedly before.

The smile, however, slipped off my face when I pulled the piece of paper out and found it empty. Flipping it over I made sure to check both sides, but there was nothing written on it. When I looked up at Edward, confusion clear on my face, he only grinned wider.

"I left you something in the glove box," he answered softly, and my excitement grew again.

I opened it gently, not knowing what to expect, and was presented with what could only be described as a food jar. I pulled it out, shut the box, and set it on my lap.

Picking it up so that it was level with my eye, I unscrewed the lid slowly, trying to understand what I was looking at. It was full of what looked like folded up pieces of paper. I picked out the one nearest the top, and whenever I straightened it out I knew exactly what it was.

_I promise to always be your best friend._

I sat it on the console and took out another.

_I promise to always make sure you're happy._

I smiled at Edward – I _was_ happy.

_I promise that no one will ever mean to me what you do._

_I promise my first concern will _always_ be you._

_I promise to always be honest with you._

I shook my head at that one. He wasn't being honest with any of us. I looked back at my jar, there were only three left.

_I promise to make you laugh every time we're together. _

Sweet.

_I promise to never, ever leave you._

"Edward…"

"Shh, Bella." He reached across and settled his arm around my shoulders. "There's only one left." He nudged me slightly and it gave me the strength to continue.

_I promise to love you until I die._

I took a deep shuddering breath, folding each piece of paper back up and placing them safely back in my jar. Edward watched me silently, probably wondering why I was yet to say something, but I just wanted them were I knew I had them all accounted for before I acted.

With the jar in my bag on the floor, I swivelled in my seat until I was on my knees, stretched my foot across and landed as lightly as I could on Edwards lap. Without hesitating, I pressed my lips to his and used his shoulders to pull myself as close as I could get.

He shivered lightly when I pulled on his hair, and a small groan slipped out of him when I ground myself down onto him, but otherwise we were quiet bar the sound of our breathing as I showed him how much his words meant to me.

Was there a gift ever given that was sweeter, more thought out, or more perfect? I didn't think there was.

"Bella, stop," Edward sighed unconvincingly. I shook my head.

"You said you wanted to make out with me in the car." I reminded him. He laughed lightly even though I had yet to separate my lips from his.

"Yeah, but as usual, if we don't stop I'm not going to be _able_ to." He groaned a little more convincingly this time and I pulled back with a pout.

"I love you. That was the best present I've ever had." He smiled sweetly as I pecked kisses all over his face, his eyelids, his eyebrows, his cheekbones, his jaw, his chin. When I started on his nose he laughed and pushed me back gently.

"I love you, too. More than anything."

I sat on his lap, with his arms around my body, for what could have been hours. Time didn't really matter when you felt that happy, that safe and that loved. We could have sat there for days and I would have been perfectly content.

"Come on, let's get you home before Charlie grounds you and ruins my plans." He laughed.

"What plans?" I climbed back over onto my own side of the car with a grin on my face.

"I'm taking you out tomorrow, didn't I tell you?" He laughed as I swatted at his arm.

"Where are we going?" I think I might have bounced in my seat a little. Our second date.

"It's a surprise…_obviously_…"

I rolled my eyes. "Obviously."

As soon as the car was on the road, Edward grabbed my hand and rested it on his thigh as he drove.

I smiled the whole way home.

I giggled like a schoolgirl when my dad asked how it went, and I very nearly squealed when I entered my room and found Edward lying on my bed in his pyjama bottoms before I remembered I would have to stay quiet.

He was so happy and carefree that I think I fell in love with him a little bit more.

When he took my left hand in his and paid more attention to my ring finger than any other, I fell asleep completely forgetting that there was something Edward _wasn't _forgetting.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

***Le sigh***

**Who knows what happens next?**

**Sooo, what do we think? Nervous? But how sweet is our E? Man, I melt when he takes centre stage :P:P**

**For all my teasers, goss and news follow my blog over on www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com or on twitter :)**

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**Leave me some love pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? :P**

**Oh! And I have two new stories! One is a BtG outtake for Fandom4Tsunami so donate to them if you wanna read that one, and the other is a collab I'm working on and it's based on 30 Seconds to Mars' Hurricane video...this Edward is based on Jared Leto instead of Rob :P Let me know if you'll be interested in reading either! :P**

**xxxx**


	40. The Lies We Tell

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey all! So sorry for your wait! I've had car accidents and deaths and funerals and all sorts to deal with this time! Seems RL never really takes a break lol.**

**I replied to every single one of your reviews this time, so I genuinely hope y'all got it! I know ffn has been all fail-y again so I can only apologize if you didn't get it :(**

**Very few of you picked up on the numerous hints I left at the end of the last chapter, so I hope y'all LOVE this chapter as much as I FLOVED writing it :P**

**I'll talk at the bottom and let you get on with it, shall I? Warning, my end notes are both very long and very important so please give them a minute :P**

**Enjoy xx**

**SM owns all things Twilight...duh!**

* * *

**Chapter 40: The Lies We Tell**

Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God, he hears you  
And pray to God, he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
How to save a life

How to save a life

_The Fray - How To Save A Life_

* * *

Bella's POV: Now

When the morning light pierced my eyelids, I welcomed it, but only because a different sensation filtered through to my foggy mind at the same time.

Feather light touches traced interminable patterns on my back – under my top. I squirmed when they reached a ticklish spot, but undeterred it happened again, and again.

"Mmm, morning." Edward's sleep filled voice floated across the small space to me, and I sighed like a sap.

"You're too far away," I mumbled halfheartedly, and almost immediately Edward's hands were gone and his whole body was pressed against the back of mine. I hummed appreciatively when he threw his arm across my middle and burrowed his head into the space between my shoulder and my neck.

We fitted together so perfectly that I actually loved my lack of height. I wasn't insecure with my body, even when I knew I was too thin, but knowing I was the right shape or height, or just the perfect way for Edward to love, was enough to make me feel like the most beautiful girl out there – not to mention the hundreds of times a day he told me.

"Baby?" Edward spoke up again after a few quiet minutes.

"Hmm?" I was honestly too comfortable and too sleepy to be able to talk properly. I threaded my fingers through his on my stomach while I waited for him to carry on. He took his time, as if he was choosing his words carefully.

"Have you ever thought about where you wanted to go to college? Like, seriously thought about it?" I tensed in his arms and he'd have to have been the least observant person on the planet not to notice. "I mean, I know you wanted to graduate early and you looked at a couple in New York, but was that your final choice?"

I squashed the feeling of dread that was building up in me and turned to face Edward. He loosened his grip on me so that I could flip over, and I rested my right hand on his chest beside my head as I settled back in.

"I wanted to go to New York, long before I spent my summer there. I had always taken an interest in their programs and thought I'd love a couple of them. Both Columbia and NYU were top of my list, so I guess they've always been my choices. It doesn't matter who I met, that was where I saw myself in the future."

I didn't notice until Edward let all his air out in one breath that he hadn't been breathing as I'd answered him. This seemed like something he had given great thought, without actually talking to me about it, and it seemed like he had been worried about where I wanted to go – and why.

"Did you talk to the principal yet?" He asked me calmly.

I nodded. "Yeah, I, uh, did it during study period on Wednesday." I wasn't sure he'd want to know the outcome of that meeting, but he seemed adamant on getting it out of me.

"And?" I thought I detected hope in his voice, but why would he be hoping I'd get what I wanted?

"And, if I take a couple of extra study sessions after school for the next couple of months, I should be on track for graduating…" I bit my lip, not knowing how he would react.

"Baby, that's so great. God, I knew you could do it." He hugged me to him and I smiled before I remembered why I no longer wanted to graduate early.

"But, I don't want to graduate this year…"

"Yes, you do," he interrupted me.

"Edward, I-"

"Just, trust me, yeah? If you can graduate this year, then try, not for me, but for you." His eyes implored me to see reason and I found myself nodding despite my heart saying something else.

"I don't want to go without you." I mumbled, hoping he wouldn't hear the pathetic insecurity in my voice.

"You won't," was all he answered me with and the subject was dropped when he caught my lips in a searing kiss.

**~FMN~**

"Are you going to tell me where we're going?"

"No, silly, that would defeat the purpose of a surprise," Edward answered me in a chastising tone. I rolled my eyes and settled into the passenger seat of his car.

All he'd told me was to dress casually. When I asked him if I needed to bring anything he only answered by telling me I was all that was needed. I had some money stuffed in my jeans pocket and my phone in the other, but I believed him when he said I didn't need anything else.

He was dressed much like me, his signature dark-wash jeans, a white t-shirt and a black V-neck pullover. I had cut his hair when he emerged from the shower after moaning that he only wanted it trimmed and couldn't be bothered going to the Port for it.

I had to admit that I loved the way he hummed appreciatively when I dragged my fingers through his damp locks as I trimmed it all down. Now the front only stuck up haphazardly instead of hanging down into his eyes, and it was still long enough for me to grip onto when I felt like it.

"Is it a good sort of surprise? Or the embarrassing kind?"

Edward's brows furrowed together in disbelief.

"What sort of question is that?" He chuckled before checking his mirrors and turning onto the road out of town.

"I just want to know if I need to be prepared for something!"

"No one is going to pop out and shout surprise, if that's what you mean. It's just us and it's totally normal." At my disbelieving look he continued. "I promise, baby." He smiled at me, and just like that I completely melted into the seat, all my insecurities gone.

When he pulled into the diner parking lot I laughed. When he opened my door and flourished two vouchers cut out of the local paper, I laughed even harder.

_It's totally normal._

When we walked in, I noticed something unusual. It isn't just us. However, Rose and Emmett were sitting already enjoying their lunch in a booth of their own. Exactly the same was Jasper and Alice in the booth behind them.

In the booth behind _that_, there were two cardboard place names with Edward and Bella written in Edward's calligraphic writing. He squeezed my hand, almost as if asking if he did okay. My boy had done more than okay.

It was a normal lunch date for just us, but we still got to spend some time with our friends if we wanted to. Which we needed to.

When we sat down and Norma took our order, Edward reached across and took my hand in his.

"We've been so concerned with us, baby. I thought I could make it about us as a couple _among_ other people. It's always been the two of us, and I don't want you under that kind of pressure. You've had so much to deal with over the last few months and I know you need your friends.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to choose between us, because I know that's how you saw it at times, and while I love you for always choosing me, I don't want that for you. I want you to have everything and everyone that loves you around you to see it happen."

No tears came and I smiled, widely because I wasn't upset for the first time in what felt like decades. His words made my heart beat solely for him and I had to squeeze his hand to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

"I love you," is all I could say in response, but it seemed like enough because he smiled widely and winked at me.

"As I do, you."

We had massive portions of burgers and fries, with milkshakes to wash it down, all the while talking about everything and nothing. We took a break where we played silly games like 20 questions – again – and then decided to order desert, too. We shared a pile of waffles and Edward laughed outright at me when I managed to get syrup down my chin.

It was completely normal and fun and everything that Edward had promised our weekends would be from now on. It might have only been two weekends since he'd promised me that specific one, but he'd done well so far.

When we all finished, the boys decided to play basketball at the hoop outside the diner. Rose, Alice and I sat on one of the picnic benches and watched as our respective guys tried to best the other. There was no doubt in our minds that they were showing off, solely for our benefit, but not one of us complained.

There was something completely erotic about watching them work up a sweat and play so competitively. It was a new feeling for me. Sure, I knew I wanted Edward, but I'd never been in a situation where all I could think about was my lust for him. I'd never felt desperate to have him, and I knew, sitting on that bench, silently in turmoil over how I was feeling, was a turning point for me.

It wasn't long before the clouds rolled in and the rain started to fall in a mist-like state. The moisture in the air clung to our clothes and hair, and the three of us were shaking within minutes. It was decided we would head on back to Jasper's for a night of movies and popcorn, but Edward suggested I pop home and change first.

I rolled my eyes at his over-protective ways, but he only smirked and told me he wanted me warm and dry. When we got into the car he said he wouldn't be able to kiss me if I was full of the cold and I blushed. Then he told me he wanted me to be able to enjoy all the things he wanted to do to me. That made me blush even harder, especially when I remembered the thoughts I'd been entertaining while watching him play.

Our relationship was steady enough for the next step – it had been for some time, but it was getting dangerous for me to be around him now. I couldn't seem to go any time at all without thinking about him _like that_, and I was pretty sure things were the same for him.

When he pulled up in my driveway the rain was slanting down heavily, the sound loud on the roof of the car.

"I'll race you," he said.

"What?" I asked, laughing at his absurdity.

"To the door, I'll race you." He was deadly serious when I looked back around to him, and it was enough to make the adrenaline kick in.

I pushed the door open and slammed it behind me, not looking back to see if Edward had followed me out of the car. My heart was hammering in my chest as I ran passed the car my mom had left behind, and squealed in both fright and delight when Edward's arms closed in around my waist.

Instead of trying to beat me, he pulled me into his chest and tipped my head up so that he could catch my lips with his.

I forgot about the rain, and the wind, and soaked up Edward instead. Whatever way he was holding me, was keeping me dry from the falling water, and I focused on the feeling of his kiss. The love and devotion behind his slow movements and the passion and desperation behind the way he held my head fast to his.

A beeping of a car horn broke us apart, and I started laughing when Emmett rolled passed the house on his way to Jasper's. Edward chuckled with me when his brother shouted something at him from the car window and we turned and headed to the front porch.

I was too preoccupied to realize Charlie's car wasn't in the driveway. Too preoccupied to notice the door should have been locked, but it wasn't.

We were both still laughing when I opened the door, but it soon died in my throat when I noticed who was sitting on the sofa. A cold chill ran down my spine, and nausea settled deep within my stomach at the sight of my mom, sitting silently with a cup of coffee in her hand, as if she'd never left.

"Mom?"

"Ah, Isabella, finally. Oh, good. Edward's here, too." She smiled menacingly and stood facing us.

"Maybe I should go?" Edward's sweet voice broke through my shock and I turned to him, finding the strength I needed in his eyes. I was about to answer when my mother's voice cut over me.

"Oh, no! Edward, dear, you must stay. We have so much to talk about."

His eyebrows furrowed deeply, and he tore his gaze from my panicked one to look at her. _What did she mean?_

"Don't look so confused, Isabella. You're bound to have known I'd find out eventually." She smiled again and it went straight through me, making my stomach roll and a cold sweat to break out across the back of my neck.

Edward had to leave.

"Edward, really, I'll be fine. You can go." I smiled as reassuringly as I could, and he smiled faintly back, nodding his head as he looked at me. The fear was settled deep within me, but a rising anger towards my mother was suddenly bubbling out of me, and I was sure he could see it.

"No! I've already asked you to stay. Sit. Down. Both of you." Alarm passed across Edward's face before it was replaced by anger to match mine. He squeezed my hand and led me to the sofa, almost to tell me he was there for me.

Little did he know that I was already saying goodbye to him in my heart.

"What are you doing here, Renee? This isn't your home anymore." My mother's eyes snapped up to me, surprise evident in them. She hadn't expected me to stand-up to her, or even to show her my anger. I'd never done it before, why would she? I had always been her weak little girl who needed her mom.

Not anymore.

Just as Renee was going to respond, the front door opened, bringing with it a cool burst of air that caused me to shiver. Edward automatically wrapped his arm around my shoulder, and I let myself sink into him. I needed him, and I was going to take all I could get to give me the strength I needed.

"Renee?" Charlie's surprised voice burst out of him as he stood stock still in the hall, much like I had.

"Charlie." Renee nodded coldly at him before turning her back on him and sitting back on the sofa.

Charlie's gaze flicked to me and Edward, softening at the stance we were sitting in, before he paced into the living room and sat in his chair.

My heart sank at a sudden realization. Renee may have already chosen her side, but Charlie would surely change his mind about me after he heard what she had to say. He wouldn't have to worry about Edward, though. He'd undoubtedly be long gone.

That thought made me angrier. What right did she have to come in and ruin everything I'd built up for myself in her absence? Who did she think she was, sitting there acting all high and mighty? There were bigger things at stake here than me not telling her the truth all those months ago.

"I don't even know where to start! There's just so much to say." She looked pointedly at me, narrowing her eyes. Edward tightened his arm around me, trying to protect me, and no doubt having no idea what exactly he was trying to protect me from.

I only narrowed my eyes right back, daring her to continue.

I had come to an impasse. Edward had to find out somehow, I was only angry that she was taking the option away from us. He wasn't ready. He already knew, but somehow I thought being bombarded with it would only make things worse.

Then I was angry at Edward. Something I had only ever felt once – when I thought he had abandoned me. He knew, I couldn't help but blame him for the way things were going to turn out. If he'd faced it long before now, we wouldn't be sitting in this clusterfuck of a situation.

"Renee, what is going on?" Charlie asked sternly.

She curled her fingers around a thick A4 brown envelope that was sitting in her lap and smiled at Charlie like the cat that got the cream.

"Well, as you know I took a little trip. Surprisingly, I found myself in New York. Edward, have you ever been? It's such a beautiful city." Her eyes turned on Edward and my heart started racing, knowing what was unfolding before my eyes.

"Yes. My mother owns an apartment in the city." He knew he wasn't supposed to answer, but it looked like he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of what she wanted.

I looked to my dad, sitting in shock on the opposite side of the room. I begged him to stop her; he knew that Edward couldn't find out about us like this.

It was obvious from our weekend together that he knew, of course he knew, but for him to have it confirmed like this would ruin everything. I had hoped he was letting it sink in – and his apparent blindness to the situation had been okay with me – until now. If he was letting it all in slowly, there was more of a chance he could cope with it all.

However, having it all dropped on him would likely cause his anger to spike and that was when things would get bad. It couldn't happen like this.

"Renee, stop and think about what you're doing. This isn't going to do any good to anyone," Charlie reasoned.

I was once again reminded of the amazing things my dad had done for me, in stark contrast to the woman who called herself my mother.

"I have thought about nothing but this. Trust me. Especially after what I found out. You see, I hired a P.I. when I got to New York, seeing as you wouldn't come with me and all," she sneered.

"I wasn't going to spy on our only daughter, Renee! I trust her!"

My jaw fell slack, he knew?

"You knew what she was doing? You knew where she had gone and you didn't tell me? You didn't think to warn me that she was going to come back and ruin everything?" My anger rose as I looked at my dad. Edward squeezed me again, as if to remind me that he was the wrong person to direct my anger at.

"What do you think's going to happen, Renee? You thought you could just walk in and drop a couple of bombshells, ruin a couple of lives and walk back out again?" I continued, turning on my mother instead.

"You don't belong here! We don't want you here! Newsflash, but everyone in this room knows the truth! If you'd stuck around and actually acted like a mother when I needed one the most, you'd have found out the right way! Instead you went behind our backs and hired a P.I? You're sick!"

I drew in ragged breath after ragged breath, my anger taking everything out of me. I was standing in front of Edward now, my arm raised and pointed at my so-called mother.

"How dare you." She answered coldly.

However, I could see the panic in her eyes; she didn't know what to do now that she couldn't put on a show. She didn't know I had lied to her, she had no reason to believe I had – how would she know if I'd told Edward or not?

"Bella…" Charlie's voice broke us out of our staring match, and I turned to find him watching Edward carefully.

I whipped my head around and found_ him_ looking at _me_. His hand reached up and he slipped his fingers between mine, silently supporting me.

"Enough! Something isn't right here! She acted like a lying little whore, and you expect me to believe you both just took her back?" I doubled over as if I'd been socked in the stomach from the blow Renee's words delivered. I'd never been called something so callous and couldn't believe it was coming from the woman who gave birth to me.

"Shut up!" Edward's voice boomed, and I flinched from the ferocity in his tone. If I had been angry, it was nothing compared to how Edward looked. He was standing up for me, putting up a united front against something he didn't know anything about.

"Don't. Ever. Talk about Bella like that. What kind of mother are you? You are twisted, seriously. Bella told us both the truth – all she needed was fucking time! Where were you when she was trying to work through everything, huh? Maybe she'd have got to this point faster if you hadn't fucked off! If I thought my parents were wrong, they're nothing compared to the fuck-up you are!"

I gasped, not believing what I was hearing. Renee only sat like stone on the edge of the sofa, but Charlie moved in the corner of my eye.

"Stop! You will mind your language when you are in my house, Edward." Edward was about to interrupt when Charlie spoke up again. "However, he is right, Renee. You have no right to be here. I'll be contacting the lawyers in Seattle in the morning, and I want you out of my house right. Goddamned. Now!"

Edward stepped closer to me and wrapped his arms around me, alerting me to the fact that I was shaking from top-to-toe. He probably thought I was upset. He wouldn't have been wrong if it had been even a week prior, now, however, I was simply angry. I was sick of being weak and crying all the time, I wanted to be strong.

"You can't be serious? We went to New York for our anniversary, Charles, and our underage daughter was sneaking around behind our backs! How can you condone that?"

"Get up, Renee. And get out. I won't ask you again."

She huffed, actually huffed, before standing up and stuffing the envelope back in her oversized handbag. She actually looked shocked as she looked back at my dad. He had caught her off guard.

"I know it all. Every. Single. Thing that happened last year." He looked at me, but he wasn't angry. Something in his gaze told me he meant more than I understood. He _knew._

"How?" I asked shakily.

"I don't need to spy, Bells. You're my daughter. I like to think I know you pretty well." He smiled sadly, and nodded at me before looking at Edward.

He knew what was coming.

"Well, isn't this lovely? No one wants to appreciate my little story after all." She laughed manically and I cringed, something told me she wasn't done.

"You might be acting all tough now, Bella, but I know you. How did you get over it, huh? How could you just move on and take him back?" My palms started to sweat, and I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. Edward's grip loosened around my shoulders as her words registered with him. I clung on, daring my mother with my eyes to go on.

"You were practically comatose for six months, and he just waltzes back into your life and you forgive all of it. You thought he had abandoned you, abandoned your _child_. You had a miscarriage and had to hide it from everyone because he wasn't here to help you through it."

Edward's arms dropped completely and I found him looking down at me in alarm. I held his gaze, my mother's words barely making it through the haze I was surrounded in.

This was it.

"Then he shows up out of the blue, living in your town, going to your school, and conveniently can't remember any of it. And what do you do? You play along, you lie and cheat and pretend. You called me sick, Edward, well my daughter isn't any better.

"How could you do it, Isabella? Did you think you could just make him love you again and everything would be okay? That he'd never remember and you'd get away with it all?"

"Shut up!" I scream, the noise piercing through the house and leaving nothing but deafening silence behind it.

I barely noticed the way Charlie grabbed Renee's arm and hauled her to the door. I couldn't hear the twisted words she continued to say, because all I could focus on was the horror and anger in Edward's eyes.

It was all over.

"I can't believe she's done this," I whispered, pure hatred dripping from my tone.

"You can't believe _she's_ done this?" Edward's voice was completely different from the last time he spoke up. His disgust was still there, directed at me instead of my mother, but disbelief, anger, pain and hostility colored his tone, too.

"Edward, please…"

"Please, what, Bella? Huh? What could you possibly have to ask for?" I flinched, scared of the anger radiating off him.

"You knew!" I screamed again, thinking it might punch my point home.

"What the fuck?"

It didn't escape my notice that this was the first real argument Edward and I had ever had.

"You knew!" My anger seeped through and I used it, desperate not to break down. "Don't pretend because I know you knew! You've known all along, it's been right there for you to see it! But you didn't! I asked you to let me tell you, but you didn't! I told you I was lying and you said you weren't ready! I told you I couldn't do it anymore and you begged me to hold on longer!

"Yes, I fucking lied, okay? I thought I was doing the best thing for you! I've watched you completely break down in front of me more than once, have you any idea what it's like for me to live each day wondering when it'll happen again? How it feels to know it'll be my fault it happens at all?

"I know I'm to blame here, but I'm not the_ only_ one! You knew and there was nothing I could do to make you see it because you wouldn't! I get you were scared, but SO WAS I!"

Edward stood in silence, his mouth opened, but no sound coming out. One traitorous tear slipped out and I brushed it away angrily. It wasn't until the fuzziness from the moisture cleared that I noticed he wasn't really looking at me. His gaze was fixed on my abdomen, and I knew straight away what was going through his head.

That was always going to be the hardest thing for him to come to terms with, and I suddenly felt guilty for screaming at him.

"Edward?" I reached out, trying to redirect his attention.

"Don't fucking touch me!" His eyes finally snapped to mine, his green irises as hard and cold as glass as he stared me down. "Fucking Christ, I never thought it was _this_! I knew you were lying, Bella, but I didn't think it was THIS!"

Had I got it all wrong? Had he really not known at all?

"Don't lie! Not now! You knew it was me in New York, deep down you knew! All you had to do was connect the dots!"

He laughed humorlessly. "Connect the dots! Connect the fucking dots, that's all I've fucking heard since I got to this hell hole of a town!"

I gasped. I had never heard him refer to Forks as anything bad. I had never known he didn't like it here. Sure, I knew he wanted to leave, but so did most of the kids who graduated.

"I fucking wish none of this had fucking happened! I wish_ I_ hadn't happened. Then none of this would have followed! If my mom hadn't fucked up all those years ago, I wouldn't have to be standing here listening to this shit!"

I could only look at him, wide-eyed. I expected anger, I expected him to storm out without me getting a word in, but never once did I imagine him regretting all of it. Never did I imagine him wanting to take it _all _back. I never thought his hatred for me, for everything, would be that consuming that quickly.

"You can't mean that," I managed to get out through my difficult breathing.

"Don't! Just fucking stop, okay? I've heard enough to last me a lifetime." He turned on his heel and silently left. It was such a short space between the sofa and the door that he was opening it before I realized what was happening.

"Edward!" I screamed after him, my knees giving way as I sank to the floor. I was still shaking all over, but there were no tears. Was it possible that I was all cried out? It wasn't hard to imagine with all the stupid tears I'd spilled over the last six months.

I knew what had just happened.

I knew he wasn't coming back.

He was gone.

I didn't have the strength left in me to go after him. I knew it was too late when I heard his Volvo rev too loudly as he pulled away from the sidewalk. Panic set in. I'd never heard him drive like that before. He'd always been so careful after his accident.

"Dad!"

"Shh, Bells. It's okay." Charlie appeared at my side so quickly that I realized he must have been standing right beside us and I hadn't even noticed.

"Dad! You need to stop him. Get him back!"

"I can't, Bells. He's gone."

"No, I mean it! He can't drive like that, Dad. You need to stop him. You know the cops, do something! He can't…I can't lose him…not again…"

Charlie seemed to realize what I was getting at. He was a danger to himself and others driving in a state like that.

"Okay, Bells. I'll see what I can do."

He seemed reluctant to leave me, as if I was going to shatter into a million pieces at any second. Little did he know, I was beyond that.

What felt like hours later, Charlie reappeared at my side, telling me softly that someone would look out for him and it was the best he could do. I nodded as he wrapped his arms around me where I hadn't moved from the floor.

One went under my knees, the other at my lower back, and he hoisted me into his arms.

"I'm so sorry...I shouldn't have lied to you..." I only just remembered that he had known all along.

"Shh, let's not talk about that now," he whispered softly.

As he spun around I closed my eyes, the movement bringing the nausea back to the forefront of my mind. He sat down, me ending up in his lap and I snuggled into him, feeling like a little girl. The only difference being that my fairytale had crumbled around me, I was experiencing pain no child should ever know.

A pain no person should ever know.

How can your heart break if it wasn't whole to begin with?

"Tears don't make you weak, baby-girl. They're just a way to let the sad and mad out…don't keep it all bottled in. Let it out, baby girl, just let it all out." I shook my head.

There was no room for tears in with all the anger that had nestled inside me.

It was directed at Renee for ruining everything. It was directed at Edward for not being strong enough to face his demons soon enough and it was directed at me, for thinking I could live a normal life built on lies and secrets.

I was angry because it was my own fault above anyone else's. If I had read his letter before he called in September, he wouldn't have thought I was giving up on him. If I'd read it, he might not have got in his car and decided to drive hundreds of miles to find me.

It was my fault because I hadn't taken the risk and told him the truth. It was my fault because I kept putting it off. My fault because I told him so many half-truths thinking it was better than nothing. I'd probably done irreparable damage with those little insights into our past.

Charlie thought I was calming down, but my anger was silent and unseen, and it was bubbling up just under the surface, looking for some kind of outlet.

I wasn't going to be weak Bella Swan any longer.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Well...what can I say really?**

**There you have it. What do you think? Not too much hate this week please, I'm a bit fragile after this rollercoaster :P**

**Can I just say, this fic is NOT FINISHED and won't be for quite a few chapters yet! I will never give up on you guys or my baby :P**

**I wanna thank each and everyone of you who have been with me from the start of this fic and haven't bullied me for answers or a quicker timeline. To all those who have supported me despite their reservations, and to all those who shared their disagreements and differing opinions on how this should go. I love hearing from you all. There have been a select few who think harsh words and continued bombardment is going to change the plan I have for this fic, I wont be bullied into something.**

**Thank you for your continued support. I love how you can make friends in such a random way, and make them for life. I've recieved such love and encouragement over the last fortnight that has got me through some very dark days, and I can't genuinely express my gratitude to you all enough.**

**Review, don't review, the number doesn't matter to me anymore because I know y'all are reading and I know most of you are with me.**

**This fic is officially a year old as of 2 weeks ago! It's been a long journey but we've got this far!**

**And! As of 2 weeks ago, this fic officially reached 1900 readers! That number blows me away and I am more than humbled by it :P**

**Please follow me on twitter if you so desire because I now have 2 new fics, instead of 1, in the pipeline and I'm super excited about them both :P**

**Peace out guys xx**


	41. The Aftermath

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**The main thing I want to say is A MASSIVE THANKYOU, for all the support you guys showered me with at the end of the last chapter. The review count blew me away and I tried to get back to everyone who asked me a question or had a specific query :P To everyone else who simply let me know they were behind me or loved the chapter, then I love you :P I got them and appreciated them all, especially in such hard times :P**

**I'm happy to say RL has seriously calmed down for me and I'm actually enjoying writing again :P**

**You guys make this seriously worthwhile :P **

***Deep breaths people - the shit is about to hitteth the fan...***

**I disclaim.**

* * *

**Chapter 41: The Aftermath**

You and me  
We used to be together  
Every day together, always.  
I really feel  
That I'm losing my best friend  
I can't believe  
This could be the end.

It looks as though, you're letting go  
And if it's real  
Well I don't want to know…

Don't speak  
I know just what you're saying  
So please stop explaining  
Don't tell me cause it hurts.  
Don't speak  
I know what you're thinking  
I don't need your reasons  
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories  
Well, they can be inviting  
But some are altogether  
Mighty frightening  
As we die, both you and I  
With my head in my hands  
I sit and cry

Don't speak  
I know just what you're saying  
So please stop explaining  
Don't tell me cause it hurts.  
Don't speak,  
I know what you're thinking  
I don't need your reasons  
Don't tell me cause it hurts…

It's all ending  
I gotta stop pretending who we are...  
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak  
I know just what you're saying  
So please stop explaining  
Don't tell me cause it hurts.

Don't speak  
I know what you're thinking  
I don't need your reasons  
Don't tell me cause it hurts  
Don't tell me cause it hurts!  
I know what you're saying  
So please stop explaining

Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak,  
Oh I know what you're thinking  
And I don't need your reasons  
I know you're good,  
I know you're good,  
I know you're real good .  
Don't, Don't,

Don't tell me tell me cause it hurts  
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'  
Hush, hush don't tell me, tell me cause it hurts.

_Don't Speak - No Doubt/Gwen Stefani_

* * *

**EPOV: Now**

Her eyes wide with hurt.

Filled and overflowing with anger. Anger directed at me.

She'd never been angry at me before.

Her eyes were glassy, but she wasn't upset, not then. She wasn't upset until I opened my mouth.

She was only upset when I turned away from her.

I never thought I'd be angry at her either. I never thought I'd raise my voice at her – and mean it.

The whole way through her mother's tirade, she'd shaken and trembled, but even I had noticed the difference. There was fear in her stance, but there was an overwhelming amount of anger in my girl that I'd never seen before.

No, not my girl. Not anymore. She was just Bella.

That was what I tried to tell myself anyway.

I hadn't expected her to turn on me. I hadn't expected her to blame me. I was pretty sure I had only stood there, anger radiating off me. I had always thought she was sexy when she got angry, like a little kitten trying to be more than it was.

But not this time. I couldn't see past the betrayal, the lies, the deceit.

Was she right? _Had_ I known all along?

I shook my head as my hands trembled. I swore multiple times because I couldn't get the fucking key in the ignition. I had to get away from it all. I had to get away from her.

I laughed bitterly. Last time I had run _to _her. Not fucking likely this time.

Hate.

It was coursing through me, pumping around my veins like it existed instead of the blood my heart needed. Fuck, my heart. I clutched a hand to my chest as a new pain cracked its way through me. There was no Goddamn way I was letting myself have a fucking panic attack.

I clawed my way through it, my breathing disjointed. It was pretty quickly over with and I finally got the key where I needed it. I barely registered throwing my seatbelt around me before my tyres squealed away from the sidewalk in front of her house.

I didn't look back. The hatred flowing right to the tips of my fingertips was screaming at me to go back, to scream at her some more. To tell her how fucking disgusted I was at her. To tell her how much I hated her.

Before I reached the highway I pulled over, my breath gasping out of me in the small confined space of my fucking precious Volvo. Was that what it had come down to? The only thing I had left was the car that I had once loved on sight. I had thought the same fucking thing about Bella, but that just turned out to be one massive fuck-up. One more thing I'd have to clean up and move the fuck on from.

In the back of my mind I could barely comprehend the thoughts I was thinking. I loved her – not an hour ago she had been my whole fucking world, and now I could barely stand to think about her. I felt disgusted with myself just having her taking up space in my mind. She didn't fucking deserve to be there.

Tears dripped from my eyes, whether because I was upset at her, or scared of what I had become in the last few minutes, I didn't know.

I didn't think I'd ever felt that angry. Even when I found out about my parents. Even when I thought back to last year and the blasé way they had told me – there was never a searing, crushing pain in my chest. Their disregard for my feelings had never truly sunk in and when it had…fuck, when it had I had Bella by my side.

_Then: Summer 2009_

"_Edward?" Her sweet voice carried through the otherwise empty apartment to my spot on the kitchen floor._

_I would probably look pathetic and ridiculous, but I couldn't find it in me to move. Shock and anger coursed through me in succession, the envelope Carlisle had given me on the floor beside me._

_I didn't know what had possessed me to open it, other than a need to know more about myself. I wasn't talking favourite colours or food, but the things that supposedly made me who I was._

_My father was one of the most successful architects in the world. I had guessed as much when I first saw his company's headquarters here in New York, but the detailed letters telling me of his charity work and ethics within his company stopped me short._

_Everything I had read made him sound like a good man, and it all warred with what I already thought I knew. He couldn't be a good man – no man could give up his son and simply hand him over before never thinking of him again. A good man wouldn't build up his legacy and then proceed to buy off the son he wished he never had by sending him ungodly amounts of money every year._

_But he had sent it on my birthday – every year without fail, never a day late or a day early. He remembered. _

_My hands shook as I read the number on the last statement to be drawn up. It was dated almost six months prior, so it was bound to be more. After all, my seventeenth had been a week ago. If past actions were anything to go by, I was two million dollars richer than I had been when I fled to New York._

_I was a millionaire. Granted, I had no way of getting to it at that moment. According to all the legal jargon that I could actually get my head around, I had to go to the bank the account was set up with and get them to talk me through it all._

_There were stipulations put in place, that when I turned sixteen a certain amount would be filtered through into a different account so that I could use it. My mother was supposed to tell me. I was supposed to know of what I was entitled to._

_My mother hadn't even told me I had a father out there I didn't know. They said they were going to tell me when I turned eighteen, but I couldn't help but feel that maybe they never would have. They seemed comfortable with living the lie – why would they want to jeopardise it?_

_Bella's scent and warmth surrounded me as she sat down beside me, and it only took mere seconds for the tension in my body to lift and my troubles to seem lesser evils. I relished in her touch as she tried to soothe me, not even knowing what was wrong._

_She made me food, worried as always, and sat with me as I continued in silence. I was scared of her opinion – would she think differently about me when she knew the truth. I had done it for her, and I told her as much. I wanted to know more about myself so that I could offer her more than the empty shell I had been up until that point._

_I nearly laughed when she apologised. She was so selfless at times that it truly baffled me why she'd spend her time with a brooding, angry, unsociable me when she could be out there enjoying her holiday properly._

_She surprised me, as I should have known she would. She didn't care that I was suddenly worth over more than thirty million dollars. She was worried about me. She wanted to know if I wanted to see him. She promised she'd be by my side if I needed her when the time came. _

_She even tried to make me see it from his point of view. Maybe she was right. Maybe somehow he did care, and shoving money at me wasn't his way of getting rid of a problem, but giving me all he knew he had. According to the documents in that envelope, Esme was supposed to have filled me in on what my father did and what I was heir to._

_Yeah, didn't I mention that bit? In the event of an accident or tragic outcome, my father's legacy would go to me. He had no more children, had never re-married. The running of it was to be handed to the company board until such times as I was fit to step into his shoes – if I _wanted_ to step into his shoes._

_It was all too much to take in, so instead, I buried my face in Bella's hair and breathed in her flowery, summery scent. I let her small arms encircle me, and I promised us both that I would prove to her how much I wanted her. I'd wait as long as it took to have her believe in me completely._

_Something inside told me her faith in me would be all I needed in the world. All I needed was to earn it._

I screamed, the sound shocking even me because I hadn't been expecting it.

My fist flew out in front of me, slamming against the steering wheel, the horn blaring out around me. The sound bounced off the darkness of the trees as the sun went down, ricocheting back to me behind the glass.

She'd known it all. Every little sordid detail about my family, about me. She stood by my side the first time around and I knew I had to find something of meaning in that, but she'd let me go through it all again without so much as a hint that she already knew.

She stood back and let me go through it when she fucking knew it was coming. She didn't warn me, didn't try to get me through it somehow. Fuck if I know how she would have done it, but she didn't even fucking try.

Maybe she got some twisted kick out of waiting for the bomb to go off. She knew this would happen – there was no way someone as intelligent as her could possibly imagine I wouldn't remember. Fuck, I hadn't remembered. I'd been told. My brain had simply filled in the blanks.

I was still missing all the important fucking pieces. I don't know what we did with our days. I couldn't even fucking remember our first time. Who the fuck forgot shit like that?

I growled loudly because that led me back to the main point; the one thing that was causing the most pain inside. It was shredding my heart into strips and it felt like they were subsequently trying to claw their way out of my chest.

With my breath still laboured, I wondered how I could ever feasibly get through that kind of all-consuming pain. I'd never felt anything like it.

My attention was caught by a car pulling in behind me on the side of the road. Through the driving rain I could just about make out the markings – a fucking police car. If it was Charlie there was no fucking promise I wouldn't blow up at him.

I sighed in relief when a slim figure stepped out of the car and hurried in my direction. I had to put up a mask, I had to pretend I was in control and everything was okay. How the fuck was I supposed to do that?

I rolled down my window, feeling the pelting rain hit off my face and arm as a dark-haired young woman stopped beside me. I looked up at her, squinting in the rain to find that she was both familiar and pretty.

Her dark hair was falling down around her shoulders in a straight sleek style, darkening as the rain soaked through it. Her face was clear of any make-up and she smiled timidly at me when I caught her eye. Fuck, did I just check out an officer?

"Sir, are you okay?"

I nodded, but it took great effort to swallow down the pain that wanted to crawl up my throat and make itself known. I wasn't sure I could say anything without completely breaking down.

I waved my phone between us, that was somehow suddenly in my hand. "I had to take a call, so I pulled over. You can't talk and drive, you know?" I winked at her and she blushed as she bit her lip. It didn't hide the grin that overtook her face, though. She knew I was flirting with her.

"Okay…"

"Edward Masen." My heart constricted in my chest. That wasn't me.

She looked confused and her eyes swept over the car before settling back on me. "Okay, Mr. _Masen_. I just wanted to check you weren't in distress." She blushed again and I chuckled lightly because it was right out of the fucking book, this chick was new.

"Nope, no distress. Although, you could save me any time you want…" I smiled crookedly at her.

What the fuck was I doing?

"Officer Rachel Uley, sir. I started this morning."

"You should get out of the rain, Rachel. I wouldn't want you getting ill on my conscience."

She bit her lip again and my eyes automatically zeroed in on it. She looked like something out of a wet-dream, with water droplets dripping off her chin and nose, her uniform slowly but surely saturating to her skin.

"Have a good day, sir. Drive carefully please." She smiled widely before ducking her head and running back to the cruiser behind me.

As I pushed the button for my window to go up, I felt the anger rising again. A fucking accident would be fucking ironic at that moment. Maybe I could fucking forget it all again; go back and restart, live blaringly unaware that every single fucker that professed to love me was a liar and betrayer.

Rachel gave me a little wave as she pulled out and drove past and I nodded at her, pretending to be a cool fucker. There was nothing fucking cool or collected about me in that moment. I had just checked out and flirted with a police officer because I wanted it to feel real. I wanted someone who knew fuck-all about me to reciprocate and be interested. Maybe I had started out too fucking steeply by choosing an officer…on duty.

Before I pulled out from my spot, I made a split decision to get the fuck out of Forks. There was nothing keeping me there for the foreseeable future. Maybe I could actually clear my head if I wasn't somewhere with so many fucking memories.

I nearly laughed. Memories, or lack thereof was what started this fuck-up. I didn't want to remember everything that had happened since I moved to this backwards town.

Until I screamed at _her_ what I thought of this place, I hadn't really consciously known it. I did hate this place. I was a liar trying to convey that I liked small town life. I wanted the city. I needed the bustle of people doing their own thing and not giving a fuck about you. I needed the rush of the busy streets, the blaring horns of impatient drivers and incessant chatter of those around you.

I flipped my phone open and typed out a message.

**Getting out of here. I'm okay, be back soon. Love you short stuff. E**

I proceeded to turn off my phone and threw it blindly to the other side of the car. I fucking triple-checked my mirrors before pulling out onto the highway and pressing my foot to the floor.

I had made it a sort of rule to keep to the speed when I was driving after my accident, but my need to flee, to get the fuck out was winning.

Ninety-two kilometres at the same speed would only take me an hour. The faster I drove, the less time I had to myself, with my thoughts. I didn't want to fucking think.

The trees sped past too quickly; oncoming traffic was a blur as the car followed the smooth winding one-oh-one towards Port Angeles, and the time still dragged in too fucking slowly. I hadn't really thought any further than getting there and finding a hotel. I didn't even know what the hotels in that pathetic excuse for a city were like.

Who was I even kidding, it wasn't a fucking city. My nearest option of getting what I wanted was Seattle, but even I knew I wasn't up to a fucking five hour drive.

I pulled into the first one I saw, not caring how many fucking stars it professed to have. The girl behind the counter must have asked me a dozen times if there was anything more she could do for me before she finally handed over the key and left me in peace.

It was only two floors and according to the airhead I had the last room on the top floor. Number 9. What kind of hotel only had nine fucking rooms? Oh right, I wasn't in Chicago. The kind of place that didn't even ask for ID when they gave you a room.

I rolled my eyes, for the first time in six months I really, truly wanted to be home. Forks wasn't my home no matter how hard I had fucking tried to make it be.

I had started to believe that _she _was. That it didn't matter where we were, but no…I couldn't let myself think of her. It hurt too much.

When I closed the door behind me, the silence surrounded me, pressed in on either side until I was a crumpled mess on the floor. I didn't even make it to the shitty bed before I broke down.

Like someone had turned a fucking tap, the tears poured out of me, unbidden and irrepressible. The pain I'd distracted myself from by driving was back. It wouldn't stop. Unyielding in its plan to completely destroy me from the inside out.

I had lost so much and never even really known. I'd loved her like nothing before or since. I'd never fallen out of love with her, never really forgotten her despite my memory loss. My heart knew straight away that she was it for me when we met in January. I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around what had happened to her in my absence. I didn't want to think about it – I couldn't.

Suddenly her anger and hurt made sense. I'd broken her that day, when I turned up out of the blue and had no idea who she was. My family had hurt her, cornered her, just to try and help me get better.

My family had known.

It had all been one elaborate trick to get my memory back. Had they cared at all that they were using Bella to get to me? Did they delight when they realized I was falling for her? Maybe they talked behind my back about the success of their plan. I was happier – they no longer needed to put up with me skulking. I was no longer falling behind in school, more than happy to pay attention when I spent all my classes with her by my side.

I was barely home; maybe they were happy that they had to put up with me less and less.

I was saying 'they,' but I was only thinking of one person. The sham of a person that called herself my mother.

Esme had hated Bella from the start, and I laughed humourlessly because I finally knew why. Bella had known all along. She had the chance to blow the whole thing apart, tell me what Esme had been hiding, what she'd done to me all those years ago.

Little did Esme know that Bella was as much of a schemer as she was. There was no way she was going to ruin the good thing she had going by confessing to knowing what she did. If she'd told me about Esme she'd have had to tell me the rest.

It was all one big lie.

Every single one of them had watched as I fell for a girl I thought was better than any of us. They sat there smiling and pretending to understand any time I brought her up or talked to them about how I felt about her.

They had all been snickering and whispering behind my back.

Fuck, I knew they'd been whispering – I'd caught them enough times.

Emmett hugging Bella on the bleachers our second day in Forks High.

Alice running out of Bella's because she didn't want to hear whatever it was she said. No fucking doubt now that it was about me.

Carlisle and Esme having dinner at the Swans when they knew nobody in town.

The numerous conversations between Bella and my fake father. In our home when he "met her" for the first time. Again after our disastrous fucking dinner.

In the hospital when he read her file, when he learned about her losing…

I crawled to the bathroom as quickly as I could, heaving into the toilet bowl, tears and saliva mixing at the sides of my mouth and dripping off my chin.

I could have been a father…me…there could have been a little mini-me running around, just like the one I'd dreamed of. It was gone. The dream we could have had was gone – the baby, the trust, the…love.

I hated her, and I suddenly needed to tell her that. I wanted to scream it out for everyone to hear. I never thought I'd say something so hurtful, so destroying to the person I professed to love more than anything.

I hated her.

I fucking loved her.

How could she have done this to me?

For the first time in my life I knew just how thin a line there was between love and hate. I'd tipped in the direction I'd never believed.

I fucking hated her.

I had loved her so fucking much that I had thought_ that_ hurt. I had needed her like fucking air.

Turned out the pain of hating her was so much worse.

I couldn't stop the wracking sobs that added to the pressure in my chest. My lungs couldn't cope with the onslaught, and I wrapped my arms around my middle in a vain attempt to keep my ribs in place.

Too much pain.

When the churning in my stomach calmed, I stripped off my clothes and pathetically threw myself into the shower. I let the hot water beat down on my head and shoulders as I huddled up on the cold tiled floor. The warmth temporarily soothed and calmed my body until I remembered what the only other thing up until that point had successfully done the same.

I threw the courtesy bar of soap angrily, fascinated as it smacked against the dirty tiled wall and slid down onto the floor.

I didn't think my escape through clearly enough. I had no fresh clothes, nothing to sleep in and nothing to eat or drink. I had paid for my room with around quarter of the money I had on me, left over from my date with…

I shook my head, frustrated, before reaching into the back of my wallet, seeking something I never thought I'd use again. Fuck, I kept it – that was enough to subconsciously tell me I'd need it again.

Crawling under the stiff covers, I swallowed down the two Xanax I had always kept with me and lay back on the uneven lumpy pillows beneath my head.

My hair was still soaking and took no time at all to run into the fabric, cooling me down with its dampness. As if the shit excuse for a bed needed more to make it uncomfortable.

With my phone shut off and sitting on the bedside table, I slept.

Dreams of that same little girl I saw after my accident floated through my head. Again and again she would be running around me, giggling delightedly before suddenly she was screaming and disappearing. I'd reach for every time, thinking she was close enough for me to grab and soothe, but every time my fingers would only grasp air and the panic in my chest would mount.

I awoke with my heart pounding out of my chest, my head throbbing in time with it.

I had been out so long that it was dark outside, and it took me a moment to realize that someone was knocking – loudly – at my door. Shit, I should have been long gone.

I threw on my jeans, not bothering with yesterday's boxers and answered the door half naked. The same girl from reception the day before took her sweet fucking time to ogle every inch of me before she finally cleared her throat.

"Mr. Masen, check out was at five. It's now eight…" she trailed off as if I gave a fuck. When she received no answer, she tried again. "I'd be happy to arrange for you to stay another night, but I'm afraid you'll need to pay up front."

"Fuck. Fine, I'll be down in a couple of minutes to give you it." She smiled like she'd just won the fucking lottery and I nearly laughed when I shut the door in her face. If she'd leaned any fucking closer I would have literally slammed her face.

Had girls always had that reaction to me? I had no fucking clue, up until a day ago there had only been one girl I cared about impressing.

That was going to fucking change.

Two girls in one day told me there must have been something they saw that they liked. It didn't take me long to concoct a new plan.

Bar. Fake ID. Alcohol in copious amounts. Maybe I could drown my sorrows in drink and a girl.

Throwing on the t-shirt I had on under my shirt and pocketing my phone and wallet, I left by slamming the door behind me, thinking it would help with the anger that was once again simmering beneath the surface. It didn't.

I basically threw the money down at reception before stalking out into the cool night air. I pulled my jacket tighter around me, but I soon find no amount of clothing would help with the chill that had settled inside me.

The fake ID Emmett insisted we have in Chicago got its first outing in nearly a year as the bouncer carded me on the door of a new bar. He barely glanced at it before mumbling for me to have a good night.

Music was blaring loudly, mixing in with the chinking of glasses from behind the bar and the fifty or so voices competing over each other in the small cramped space.

I slipped into a vacated space at the bar, flagged the barman and downed my fist beer in little more than three gulps. I ignored everyone around me, trying to tune out their boring conversations, but when it became impossible to stop my own thoughts, I seeked out someone else's problems.

There were three girls beside me, two of them listening intently as one droned on about a guy at the office who _still_ hadn't noticed her. When I rolled my eyes, her friend noticed and hid her giggle behind her wine glass.

When I didn't drop my gaze from her, she tucked her blonde hair shyly behind her ear before experimenting with a smile in my direction. That was enough to snap me out of it, and I turned back to the bar to pick up what was somewhere near my sixth beer. The shit clearly wasn't strong enough.

Warmth spread from my arm outwards as a body squeezed itself into the space beside me, but I didn't move. It was a woman, I could tell by the softness of her skin and the slight tinge of perfume that permeated the air around me.

If it was Chicago, if it was a year before, and if Emmett was with me, he'd be encouraging me to go for it, but I wasn't sure I could. I mentally prepared myself to turn to her, to smile at her, offer her a drink, but nothing came out.

"She's been telling that story for weeks," said the voice beside me, slightly teasingly. When I finally turned to her, it was the girl – no, woman – who had caught my eye.

"I can't believe he _still_ hasn't spoken to her…what a douche…" I slurred slightly, but if she noticed she didn't care because she only laughed lightly, touching her hand to my arm.

She was fucking flirting with me.

According to my ID I was twenty-two, so to her and everyone around us I was well in my right to be standing there soaking up the attention of a beautiful blonde.

Her ice-blue eyes looked me over as she blatantly checked me out. When her eyes got to my face I smirked, 'cause we both knew what was happening.

"Tanya," she told me. Like I fucking cared what her name was.

"Edward." That was true; he'd made our IDs as close to the truth as possible so the information would be easier to remember.

"What are you drinking, Edward?" She smiled coyly, but I suddenly thought that maybe it was all an act.

"How about I get them?" I replied, flagging down the barman and ignoring the way she giggled. I hadn't fucking said something funny.

What felt like years later, we were both propping up the bar, laughing obnoxiously at others around us. She kept pointing people out and making fun of how they were standing, or what they were drinking or wearing. It was getting old pretty quickly, so I did the only thing I could think of to shut her up.

I grabbed the back of her head roughly and pulled her mouth to mine. She moaned when I thrust my tongue into her mouth, and despite all the alcohol I could still feel my cock stirring in my jeans. She tasted like cheap beer and the tang of red wine, but I ignored it as she tangled her tongue with mine.

Her friends had been gone for God knows how long so when she told me we were getting out of there, I only downed the last of my beer and followed her willingly.

She stumbled multiple times in her ridiculous heels and I grabbed her the final time to stop her from face-planting the sidewalk. She gasped when I inadvertently pulled her roughly into my body, and before I could step away she had decided to grind herself into me. I could say my reaction was standard as I groaned at the friction, but who the fuck cared about excuses.

I pushed her up against the nearest wall, shoving my knee between her thighs and kissing her as hard as I could. Our kisses were sloppy, our hands too grabby, and my head was spinning as the cold air penetrated my thin clothing.

She ground herself into me over and over again, and I groaned louder each time as I felt the building tension in my gut. She wasn't warm enough, she didn't smell right and she was too tall, too athletic to be right, but I didn't stop.

"Fuck." I ground out as my hand found her damp panties. She was writhing and panting against a wall outside a dive of a bar, but she kept telling me 'don't stop'." I may have been out of practice, but when a chick told you 'don't stop,' you didn't. Fucking. Stop.

When she pulled my mouth from her neck back to her lips, she clutched at me too tightly. When she bit my bottom lip, just as my fingers found the wetness under the barrier or her panties, everything went fucking wrong.

"Ugh, Bella."

Tara, or whatever the fuck her name was, pulled away as if I had slapped her, pushing me away from the wall in the process.

I stumbled backwards, my equilibrium fucked thanks to the alcohol, and I had to grab onto the closest lamppost to stop myself going down.

"What the fuck, asshole?"

"Whatever, like it matters." I moved to step back to her, but the world was suddenly spinning around me and I had to hang on for fucking dear life.

"Fuck you, I'm not that fucking drunk. You're a fucking mess…"

I watched with little interest as she collected herself without looking me in the eye. She stepped up to the edge of the road and glared at me before crossing it unsteadily. I watched her until she faded into the darkness and I was left alone.

Thank fuck I remembered it was only a five minute walk back to my hotel, and I set off in what I hoped was the right direction.

Parked cars, doorways and lampposts swam in front of my eyes, and I was pretty fucking sure I even tried to swat a couple of them away from me. I stumbled countless times on fucking nothing, and I began to get angry at my own incompetence. I couldn't even do drunk right.

I basically crawled my way up the stairs on all fours, and it took me hours to get the fucking key-card in the door.

Thankfully the alcohol hadn't worn off. Thankfully when I threw myself into bed I couldn't remember why I had been drinking in the first place. The girl I'd been mauling faded into a blur on my brain, her name completely escaping me as I lay in the darkness. I couldn't even remember why she had pulled away so quickly, maybe she decided a one night stand wasn't her kind of thing.

Like it was fucking mine.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd gotten laid, and it had nothing to do with my fucking memory loss.

That was it – it was something to do with my accident that spurred me to drink myself into oblivion. I clapped myself as I lay there, congratulating myself on succeeding. If I had to concentrate to remember where the fuck I was then I had done a good job.

The lumpy pillows and starched sheets didn't seem so bad that night as I fell into darkness. I didn't dream of anything, good or bad, and when I awoke it was actually light.

It took longer than it should have for things to sink in. I was alone in a grungy hotel room with a hangover from hell. I reluctantly checked the opposite side of the bed to make sure I hadn't brought someone back with me, and felt both relieved and pissed that it was empty.

I was alone. Period.

I hadn't woken up with a petite brunette in my arms. I wasn't welcomed into the kitchen by my mom's pancakes and waffles that she always made on a Saturday when we were small.

Carlisle wasn't ready to propose a day out.

I'd never, ever felt so fucking empty. Never felt the hollow of loneliness.

According to everyone, they loved me, wanted the best for me, but I couldn't help the pain that washed over me.

It was a different pain this time.

It was a strange experience to realize you very well may be all alone in the world.

It took a lot to hate everyone you've ever loved.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Have faith in me? **

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**See you soon! x**


	42. What if I'm Crazy?

**Author's Chapter Notes (Please Read):**

**Just as a bit of a heads up, I had to change Tanya in the last chapter to Victoria, because Tanya is actually Edward' ex from Chicago. That was a slip on my part, but thankfully no one picked up on it. So if the girl in the bar is ever mentioned again, her name will be Victoria.**

**I don't usually explain myself, but I realize the wait for the last two chapters has been far too long to be okay. I can only apologize and hope that you all stick with me. I am doing the best I can under the circumstances and I am not giving up on this fic or any other I am writing.**

**Who knew moving country at 18 could be so stressful? And to think, I haven't even moved yet!**

**I hope you are still with me and that you enjoy this longer than usual chapter :P**

**The last chapter was EPOV and took us all the way through to Tuesday morning. We're back to BPOV for this chapter and it starts on Sunday night and only takes us through Monday. Just so y'all don't get lost.**

**We're also now in the middle of March. It's only been three months since Edward came to Forks.**

**I disclaim.**

* * *

**Last chapter recap:**

_That was it – it was something to do with my accident that spurred me to drink myself into oblivion. I clapped myself as I lay there, congratulating myself on succeeding. If I had to concentrate to remember where the fuck I was then I had done a good job._

_The lumpy pillows and starched sheets didn't seem so bad that night as I fell into darkness. I didn't dream of anything, good or bad, and when I awoke it was actually light. _

_It took longer than it should have for things to sink in. I was alone in a grungy hotel room with a hangover from hell. I reluctantly checked the opposite side of the bed to make sure I hadn't brought someone back with me, and felt both relieved and pissed that it was empty._

_I was alone. Period._

_I hadn't woken up with a petite brunette in my arms. I wasn't welcomed into the kitchen by my mom's pancakes and waffles that she always made on a Saturday when we were small._

_Carlisle wasn't ready to propose a day out._

_I'd never, ever felt so fucking empty. Never felt the hollow of loneliness._

_According to everyone, the loved me, wanted the best for me, but I couldn't help the pain that washed over me. _

_It was a different pain this time._

_It's a strange experience to realize you very well may be all alone in the world._

_It takes a lot to hate everyone you've ever loved._

* * *

**Chapter 42: What if I'm Crazy?**

Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all our memories they're haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high  
It never would've worked out right  
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out  
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter  
Where we take this road someone's gotta go  
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder  
But I know that you'll find another  
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in  
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive  
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter  
Where we take this road someone's gotta go  
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone  
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong  
I'm already gone, already gone  
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone  
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all our memories they're haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter  
Where we take this road someone's gotta go  
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better  
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone  
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong  
I'm already gone, already gone  
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

_Already Gone – Kelly Clarkson_

* * *

**Bella's POV: Now**

Charlie was afraid to leave me alone; that much was obvious.

He was hovering – it had been a long time since he'd hovered.

I didn't understand what he was worrying about – I was fine.

Well, I say fine, but maybe our interpretations of that were slightly different.

I said fine because I wasn't balling my eyes out on my bed, I wasn't locked in my room, I wasn't unresponsive, and I wasn't contemplating doing something stupid.

I supposed, he didn't know the last part, but I'd say I was reacting quite well given my track record.

I was sitting on the sofa, an hour after Edward had walked out, listening to my father's side of the conversation he was having on the phone.

The phone.

I dug my cell out of my jeans pocket and tried to ignore the crushing disappointment that washed over me when I noticed there was nothing. Not just from Edward, there was nothing from anyone.

_Why would there be_, I thought. They were all going about their day with their respective other halves. None of them knew something monumental had gone down. And yet, it had been an hour, surely someone was wondering why we hadn't shown up at Jasper's yet.

I couldn't begrudge them for being pre-occupied with their own thoughts. I wasn't the centre of their every thought. I wasn't the centre of their universe.

I was supposed to be the centre of Edward's universe, but even that hadn't been enough in the end.

Charlie clearing his throat brought me out of my thoughts. He was standing in the living room doorway, watching me like I was a bomb waiting to explode.

I shrugged internally, maybe I was.

"That was the station…"

I didn't react because I wasn't sure what that meant.

They had found Edward's car flipped off the road? They'd pursued him in a high-speed chase and lost him? They'd taken him in for reckless driving?

A number of scenarios were whizzing through my head, but unlike my former self – of only two hours ago – I was remaining calm. There was no point in freaking out until I knew all the facts.

My heart hadn't derailed from its normal rhythm.

It was just there – thud, thud, thud. I had thought once I'd lost it forever, but it had taken me until now to realize that it had only been buried and trapped under momentous grief and pain.

I wasn't naïve; I knew the pain would be back. I just had to ward it off until I was sure I could deal with it.

The only problem was I wasn't sure I could ever deal with it, not without Edward by my side. He had been the only reason I had started to get better.

Despite all of Jasper's efforts at the time, it wasn't until Edward was back in my life that all the little – and large – fissures in my heart started to mend.

Now, I was sure I was back to square one. Only, I'd lived through that kind of pain before, I knew what to expect now, I thought I knew how to deal with it.

I was probably wrong, but it was only the thought that I'd survive it and get through to the other side that was keeping me together.

"Edward was pulled over at the side of the road. One of the officers spoke to him, Bella…he…she said he seemed okay…"

The breath I released in relief was audible to both of us.

However, Charlie grimaced and broke eye contact. Charlie never grimaced or showed something had gotten to him like that. Something was wrong.

"What, Dad? Tell me," I tell him flatly. Even I could hear the hollowness of my voice. Maybe the closing off was happening again. I couldn't really tell.

"She said she spoke to an Edward Masen, he introduced himself as Edward Masen."

I frowned, simply because I didn't know what I should be thinking.

What was he thinking? I thought I knew him inside and out, but he was changing, already, and I wasn't there to see it. He'd changed his name – again – he'd done that before. Did that mean he was running away again?

My heart picked up in speed. I looked to my dad for some sort of reassurance, but he looked even more uncomfortable than he had.

"Dad?" I whisper, my throat constricting because I knew something was about to change.

"She, uh…Bells, this isn't necessary…" He was pleading with me with his eyes, but I needed to know. Some part of me needed this as some sort of closure because it knew Edward had already chosen a different path.

"I need to know, Dad!"

He nodded sadly, probably thinking it would be best if I knew it all to begin with.

"She, uh, asked if he was single, Bells. She asked me if I knew him and if he was a good guy because he seemed really interested in her and she didn't want to cross any lines."

_That,_ that was what my brain and my heart had been waiting for.

The way I reacted was probably what Charlie had been waiting for.

I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut, and I bent over at the waist, my head hanging between my knees.

_He seemed really interested in her._

I blanched. Had he been flirting with her? What had he said, how had he looked at her? It was all running through my brain as I tried to calm my pounding heartbeat.

An hour.

I balled my hands into fists, and one of them stretched out and wiped everything on the coffee table onto the floor in a rage before I realized what I'd done.

It had been less than an hour.

Who the fuck did he think he was?

Goddamn I was angry.

I'd never been this angry at Edward before. I'd never been this angry knowing it was definitely his fault.

Sure, I'd been angry when I thought he had abandoned me the first time, but somewhere deep down inside at the time I had known I didn't have all the facts.

This time was different.

He'd walked out on me, not even giving me the chance to properly explain. He had said time and again that he loved me, that it was the only thing he was sure of and that he'd never forget it.

He was out there, flirting with some other unsuspecting girl. He was running away from me.

I wasn't sure I knew Edward at all. His actions screamed selfishness and childishness. That wasn't the boy I loved. It was like something in him had flicked.

Was he taking on some other sort of persona just to get through his demons?

It wasn't completely unfeasible, but it didn't sound like Edward.

The first time he ran away and hid in the big city.

When he found out about his parents the second time he ran to me and shut down completely.

If it worked in some sort of sequence, then what did that mean was next?

That he was running away back to the city, and that he was going to try and pretend it didn't happen?

That hurt.

"Bells?"

When I looked to my dad, I had to blink back the haze that had settled over my eyes. Maybe I had cried enough tears over him already because I didn't seem to be harvesting any more.

"I…I think I'm going to go to bed…" He nodded slowly as he approached me. When I stood up from the sofa, my arms around my middle in an attempt to keep me together – old habits seemed to resurface – he pulled me into a hug.

With a kiss to the top of my head he let me go somewhat reluctantly and I trudged up the stairs slowly.

The anger I'd felt had fizzled out, leaving me exhausted and empty. I was more in shock because I didn't know how to feel.

Only a tiny part of me held any hope that he'd be back and knock on the door. That my dad would give him a firm talking to before letting him up to see me in my room. He'd beg to just hold me and that we'd talk in the morning before climbing into bed and cocooning me in his warmth and safety.

The larger part of me knew that wasn't going to happen. It knew that I was going to bed alone and it'd stay that way, but for the first time in six months, I felt okay with that.

It gave me a sense of strength.

I placed my phone down on my bedside table while I took care of "needs" in the bathroom. I tried to avoid my reflection, but it was like watching an accident unfold, and I found I couldn't _not_. My hair was flat and lifeless against my head, despite how nicely I had done it for my date earlier that morning. The little make-up I had done my eyes with was smudged and smeared across my sockets, with mascara tracks faint on my cheeks.

I had to scrub with make-up remover until my skin was pink and my eyes were stinging just to get it off. The longer it took, the more frustrated I became and I found my anger resurfacing as I looked at the mess I was in.

Why did I have to be one of those girls that fell in love and basically changed everything about themselves? Long before Edward came along I was content in the way I looked, happy with where I lived, the few friends I had, the truck I drove and even how clever I was.

I had my life planned out; I'd buckle down and keep my GPA up where it had always been, the highest of my class. I'd graduate a year early, struggle to say goodbye to my parents and Jasper, and move on with my life. I'd get myself a damned good degree and find the job of my dreams in the big city.

Now? Everything I had planned was still in the pipeline, but everything I had planned was tainted by Edward. I wanted to graduate to be with him. I wanted to move to the city he'd be in. I'd still struggle to say goodbye, but I'd be gaining something even more special.

However, the negatives far outweighed the positives. When confronted with Edward and the sort of attention he received, I felt inadequate, I was nervous when he saw my truck and house for the first time because I knew it was a step down to the things he was used to. I was no longer strong or sure of myself. I worried about him more than myself, but instead of that being a good thing, I'd spent the last six months berating and beating myself up every time something went wrong.

I spent my time crying when I used to turn the other cheek. I felt sorry for myself when I used to feel sorry for others. I felt small and worthless when the girls talked about me because I knew they could see what I had begun to realize. I wasn't good enough for a guy like Edward, and I was no longer the only one who could see it for real.

As I opened the bathroom door, I took a deep breath and made a decision. All that had to change. I loved Edward with everything I had, but I shouldn't have to change the way I act and feel to accomplish loving him.

Starting the next morning, I was going to become the girl I used to be. I'd be strong when faced with my one weakness – Edward. I'd hold my head high when the girls noticed there was something wrong between us. I'd keep myself together when Edward decided he needed time away from me, and I'd give him his space because despite partially blaming him, I had no idea what kind of pain he was feeling.

Sure, I'd suffered my fair share, as I'm sure I could argue to anyone who asked how I could do what I did, but it was surely a different kind of pain. I wasn't betrayed – even though I thought I had been at the time.

As I lay in bed, however, the more I thought about it, the more I realized we were exactly the same. The kind of pain he was undoubtedly experiencing at the moment – because of me – was bound to be the same as the excruciating pain I'd held in my chest for months last year and into this.

I thought I'd been betrayed, he _had _been betrayed. I thought he'd lied to me and changed his mind about us, I had lied to him. I lost the only part of him I had left, he'd lost the same thing but was only learning about it long after everyone else had worked through it. He thought he was alone because I was all he had left that was real, I was alone bar Jasper.

The only thing that would have dimmed that pain for even a fraction of a second was to know Edward loved me and hadn't left me. Back then, to know Edward hadn't moved on and actually cared would have made it a little easier to get up in the morning.

I reached out my hand and picked up my phone. There was so much that had to be said, but there was only one thing that mattered the most and had to be said first.

I typed out 'I Love You', my hand shaking when my fingers tried to write more, and pressed send before flipping it shut and shoving it under my pillow.

I didn't know if it would help him or make him angrier, but I had to make sure he knew. He may not read it, he mightn't even see it, but I had to make the effort.

I tossed and turned in bed for longer than I wished to. First the TV downstairs annoyed me, then the wind that picked up, then the way the branch of the tree hit against my window and made me hope that maybe Edward would climb it again.

When I was ready to cry with frustration, I hopped out of bed and made my way back to the bathroom. I knew my pain pills were still in the cabinet, having a fresh prescription from Carlisle, but I wasn't sure if my anti-depressants had been disposed of.

Bingo, I thought.

I found two Xanax and one anti-depressant, throwing them in my mouth and chugging down some god-awful tasting water from the bathroom tap. I wasn't one to take medication lightly, but I was so desperate to forget the fuck-up that had been my day that I would have taken anything.

By the time my head hit my pillow, my eyes were drooping and my vision was getting blurrier. I could have sworn I heard my dad downstairs talking to someone, but I was too drowsy to care.

Unless it was Edward, I really didn't want to know.

I woke to the sun trying valiantly to shine as it rose in the sky. The rain from the day before had cleared the sky and as I squinted out of my window, I noticed there wasn't a cloud to be seen.

It looked unnaturally beautiful, but I wanted nothing more than to stay in my bed and sulk.

No, I thought. I made myself a promise. I was going to turn a new leaf, this time I was going to try. I wasn't going to let him see that I was dying inside, because I needed to be strong enough for the both of us.

I gasped in shock when I got out of bed, my hand hitting my chest as my heart thudded in panic. I took a moment to survey the scene at the end of my bed, though, and let myself smile when I saw Jasper camped on the floor of my room.

So that was who my father had been talking to. He hadn't woken me up, but he had stayed with me in case I needed him.

I shook my head – this time I was going to do it on my own. I knew Jasper would always be in the background, watching to see if I was going to crack, but this time I was going to get through my days, face up to my demons and come through the other end all on my own.

After going through my morning routine, my mood was beginning to worsen yet again. The thought of having to face school, my friends and Edward wasn't entirely appealing. Seeing Edward and knowing he was physically okay would help to ease the ache I felt in my chest, but knowing he wouldn't want anything to do with me only made the fissure break open even more.

It felt like we'd broken up a dozen times, when realistically it had only happened twice. The week when I had wrongly assumed he had something to do with Lauren was a black mark on my faith in him, and the weeks he pulled himself away from us after finding out about his parents only showed that neither of us were strong enough nor grown enough to cope with the hurdles life was sending our way.

Since that last time, however, I believed we had both grown up, we'd both become stronger in our faith of each other and our faith in our relationship.

I had genuinely believed Edward was coming to terms with the lies I had buried deep within me. He had been told on more than one occasion that I was keeping something from him, that I needed to tell him but was terrified of how he would react.

Then, when he finally found out, he acted the exact way I had thought he would. He hated me; he was angry and felt betrayed. I understood all of that, I understood how he was feeling, but that didn't mean I liked it.

I hated the thought that his rage would blind him from everything else. I was terrified of the chance he would run and never give thought to how much I truly loved him. He might leave and force himself to move on without ever trying to see it from my point of view.

I had to get him to listen to me, even if it was only for a little time. I had to make him understand that I lied for him; I kept things from him because he asked me to. I had to make sure he remembered all the times I tried to let him know, the way I had tried to push him away for his own good.

I had to make him see.

With my plan formed in my mind, I slowly made my way down the stairs. When I heard someone pottering about in the kitchen, the tap running, the percolator brewing, I assumed my father was already up and ready for work. After all, it couldn't have been Jazz because I'd left him sleeping on my bedroom floor.

The sight before me when I stopped in the kitchen doorway almost knocked me back a couple of steps. I felt like I'd gone back in time, with the yellow paint and the sun shining through the window, my mother was standing at the sink with her back to me, humming softly without a care in the world.

My lungs expanded and my head became fuzzy as anger and disbelief washed over me in crashing waves.

My mother was standing in our kitchen as if she never left, as if she belonged there.

She'd destroyed my relationship and I wasn't blind to her real intentions, she had wanted to destroy me. If I hadn't made the split decision to not let her win the day before, I was certain I would have ended up worse than I had been at the end of the previous year.

As I thought it over I became increasingly sure that that was what she'd wanted.

The thoughts that rushed at me next were both painful and hard to admit.

_Had Charlie asked her to come back in the morning?_

_Had he agreed with her and thought we had to sit down and talk about it?_

_Why was she back? What was wrong with her to make her go through all the things she had?_

_Who was she?_

The sound of my father descending the stairs broke me out of my momentary panic, and my faith in him quickly restored. After everything he had done for me, for Edward and for the Cullens, I was ashamed to have doubted him so quickly.

"Bells?" My dad's voice sounded both concerned and surprised, as he probably wondered why I was just standing there.

The sound of his voice broke through the silence I had been standing in, and Renee turned from the sink with a smile. However, when her eyes landed on me I was sure something changed in them – making her almost predatory and dangerous. It made me shiver in repulsion and anger as I remembered her hostility and hatred from the day before.

Charlie almost crashed into the back of me and I realized I hadn't warned him about our visitor or given him any indication as to why I, too, was standing stock still in the hallway. His hand closed around my elbow almost painfully and I turned to face him, shocked to see both pain and anger etched across his face. He suddenly looked older, weary as he took in the scene before him.

If it had been me, I would have seen my wife who was no longer the woman I fell in love with, and my heartbroken daughter who'd been betrayed and destroyed in the worst way by her own mother.

"Go wake up Jasper, yeah? He'll want some breakfast before you go to school."

I nodded, knowing he didn't want me around for whatever was about to be said. He nodded at me as if to say my anger would get it's outlet at another time, and it was that that helped me brush passed him.

I let my hand drift downwards to his and I squeezed it in reassurance.

_I'm sorry._

_Thank you._

_I love you._

_I hate what she's done to you._

With one last nod of his head I pushed passed and headed up the stairs, not sparing a glance for the woman I refused to call my mother.

I didn't go far, however, because I needed my own answers. I needed to know what was about to be said, how my dad was feeling, even how she was feeling. I told myself I needed to understand everyone's side of the issue to know what was really going on.

I settled myself on a stair not far from the bottom and wrapped my arms around my knees as I waited for something to be said.

"Coffee, honey?" Renee's voice was quiet and reserved, and I was glad to realize she knew something was wrong with her reappearance in our house.

"What are you doing here, Renee?"

"What do you mean?" She laughed. "I live here."

The sound of metal on china told me she was distracting herself with her coffee mug as she stirred in just the right amount of cream. I sighed because I remembered that about her, it really hadn't been that long since she'd disappeared from our lives.

"Is this for real?"

Charlie's voice was overridden with disbelief, and I was surprised he was managing his anger so well. I'd have tackled her to the ground by now and would have been clawing at her, trying to inflict as much damage as possible.

I shivered. Was that normal? Was there something wrong with me for suddenly wanting to cause my own mom so much physical pain?

"Charlie, what has gotten into you?"

I heard movement, but it wasn't until Charlie's next words registered with me that I knew what it was.

"Don't, Renee. Don't touch me. Have you forgotten what happened yesterday?" He asked calmly, too calmly.

_What happened? Didn't he mean what she had done?_

"Well, of course I remember, it wasn't exactly a happy family reunion. But she needed it, Charlie. She had to be told that behaviour like hers wasn't acceptable. I knew you weren't going to do it, so I had to take matters into my own hands. It was a little on the dramatic side, I agree, but I only left for New York so that I had all the facts.

"Our daughter was running around giving herself to some boy behind our back, Charlie. She was lying to us every day, and then when we came home she decided she wanted to be dramatic and cut herself off from me? I think not. She was keeping things from me, from us. No daughter should act so selfishly. I had to teach her a lesson.

"Of course it's a shame the boy had to be here for it, but I'm not blind. He's clearly a bad influence on her, so maybe it's not such a bad thing that he doesn't want anything to do with her. If he's out of the picture, I might get my little girl back, instead of the lying little tramp that's parading about just now."

Footsteps on the stairs halted suddenly and without looking around I knew Jasper had heard everything she had to say.

I was stunned. Frozen to the spot.

Tears leaked from the corner of my eyes, but I didn't have to strength to chastise myself for crying yet again. I was fairly certain I was allowed at this point.

That was what she thought of her own daughter? She thought she was completely justified in her actions. She did it all because she was no longer part of the picture. My shutting _her_ out, lying to _her_ was what this was really about.

I don't think I ever would have thought that Renee had to be the centre of attention. She had never been like that before. What had happened to her?

Charlie had yet to say anything and I was having to refrain from storming into the kitchen and demanding that he do something about her.

"See, I knew you'd see things my way," Renee said next.

I was on my feet, ready to confront my father when Jasper's arms wound around me and held me back.

"Don't, Bella. He doesn't mean it. You need to listen to all of this."

Jasper's words only served to confuse me, and when I turned to ask him what he meant, he only smiled and sat us back down on the stairs.

"I need to phone the office, let them know I'm not coming in today. I guess we should talk about everything," my dad's voice had lost the eerie calm it had, and even from a short distance I could hear the tremble in it. What emotion he was trying to conceal I couldn't guess.

"How about I make us a breakfast? We can spend the day catching up and then deal with Isabella when she comes home from school?"

_Deal with me_, was she for real?

My dad must have nodded or something because it sounded like Renee went back to making the coffee and I cowered into Jasper's shoulder when my dad appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

The outrage in his eyes shocked me when he looked up at me, but the pained smile he tried to shoot my way settled some of the turmoil in my head. I had no idea what was going on, but between Jasper's behaviour and my father's I knew something was happening.

"Why don't you two head to the diner for breakfast? Bella, I'll see you when you get home and the two of us can talk about this, okay, baby?"

I frowned in confusion. He was sending me away. He made it sound like Renee wasn't going to be here when I came home. What was happening?

"Jasper? Please?" When Charlie's voice cracked I felt Jasper nod. I was afraid to say anything, noticing that my dad was whispering, something I don't think I'd ever heard him do in his own home. He was trying to be quiet enough that Renee wouldn't hear him.

Why? What did he have planned?

"Sure, Charlie. Come on, Bella, I could totally go some grease right now."

I smiled faintly only because I knew he was trying to get a reaction out of me. It was more for courtesy than anything else. I was confused, concerned and angry that Charlie was keeping me out of his plans when it was me Renee had been out to get from the start.

_He's just trying to protect you_, whirred around my brain on loop, but when I didn't understand what he was protecting me _from_, it made no difference.

I stood quietly at the front door waiting for Jasper to get his things from my room, my eyes locked on my dad's. Tired, defeated, pained grey against angry, confused and hurt brown.

"You gonna be okay at school today, kiddo? You and Jasper could always take off to the Port or something if you're not up to it."

_You don't have to go to school but you can't stay here_,_ either. _That was what I had to read from his words.

I shrugged, not really knowing if I was ready for it or not. Since I'd seen Renee in the kitchen, all thoughts of Edward and facing our friends had escaped me. Now they were back.

"Keep your chin up, Bells. Make them all think you're as strong as they wished they could be. Even if it's all fake, don't let them see you hurting."

I nodded minutely, tears pricking at my aggravated eyes as Jasper looked at me worriedly. No matter how well I pretended about anything, he knew. He'd always know.

Taking my hand firmly in his, he led us to my truck, took the keys from my fingers and ushered me into the passenger seat.

I remained quiet throughout our short journey and stood back when Jasper ordered breakfast and coffee for us both. I didn't even think about the cost until I saw him hand over some notes before we sat in a booth near the back to wait for our food.

"Bells?" My eyes found Jasper's and I knew by looking in them that if I had any questions he'd answer them as honestly as he could.

"What's happening, Jazz?" He flinched, obviously not comfortable with telling me, but he scooted around and took my hands in his again.

"Your dad asked me to look out for you last night after E…well, you know…" He trailed off when he saw me recoil at the mention of his name.

That wasn't a good sign. I did that last year, too.

I told myself that even knowing that was a better sign than any. Maybe I could make it through this after all.

I nodded for him to continue, both of us knowing that's not what I had meant.

"He told me all about your mom and what had happened. He thinks she might be…Bells, he doesn't think she's well…"

Jasper looked uncomfortable and frustrated, like he couldn't even explain it properly.

"What like she wants to ruin my life in the time she has left?" I sounded bitter, but the thought of my mom dying – no matter what she had done – was a hard thought to entertain.

"No…like…in the head, Bella. No mother in her right mind would do what she did to you yesterday…say what she said this morning. She isn't well, Bella. She wouldn't be acting like this if she _was_ in the right mind.

"You think she's…_insane?" _I hissed, not quite believing what I was hearing.

Was she? Did that mean I could be like her one day? Was I already like that? Maybe Edward was right, maybe I had made all the right choices, been selfish and needy. Maybe I was like her, wanting to be the centre of attention and not liking it when he was.

I shook my head, I wasn't like that. Was I?

"Bella, what is it?"

I noticed my panicked, wild eyes in the mirror over Jasper's shoulder and tried to calm myself down; I wasn't doing anyone any favours by freaking out.

"Have I been like that? Making choices because I wanted it to be about me? Maybe Edward was right…Alice…I was only ever really thinking of myself, Jasper…what if I turn out like her?"

I was wrapped in Jasper's strong embrace before I could blink, and I shuddered as I drew in a deep breath, feeling his head shake back and forth above my own.

"Shh, Bella. We don't think you're insane; you're nothing like your mother. You made those choices for both of you. You were trying to protect him, just like your dad is trying to protect you. Edward will understand that eventually, he just needs time to be angry and come to terms with it.

"We all saw how much pain you were in, Bella. We all knew the burden and responsibility you had to carry so don't for a second think that you were selfish or uncaring. Edward will see it, too, I promise, and until then you have all of us, okay? None of us are going to let you go through this alone."

I smiled for the first time all morning as Jasper's words sank in. I vaguely registered the waitress bringing our food over and refilling our mugs with hot coffee, but I stayed in my Jasper bubble, letting his warmth and assurance wash over me.

When I pulled away I felt stronger, surer of what I had to do and what I had to let happen.

Edward needed time, space. But he also needed to know that I loved him, he needed to hear again why I had done what I had. He needed to understand that I was sorry for lying to him but that I felt like I had no choice.

What would he have done if he'd had to choose between lying to me and potentially harming him? It wouldn't have been physical, I knew that, but mental and emotional damage was more potent that people served to realize. I could have made it worse, set him back. It may have taken years for him to regain his memories, his past.

I was adamant I wasn't going to be responsible for that.

I had hurt him, I knew that, but he knew it all now. He had it all there, ready for him when he wanted to sit down and think it over, sift through it bit by bit.

He had friends and his family around him this time, he could get through anything. None of us were going to let_ him_ go through this alone.

"So why did I need to be away from the house?"

Jasper's eyes flicked over me as if to see if I could handle the answer.

"Your Dad is getting the doctor round. He is her husband, he can have her committed for help without her consent, but he doesn't want to do it unless it's the right thing. I think Carlisle is going to talk him through it, but he's already assigned her a psychiatrist. According to Charlie, she should be there through the morning.

"He's going to make your mom think she's a marriage councillor and get her to talk about you. Both Carlisle and Charlie are hoping that she says much like she did this morning. It should be obvious to anyone that that isn't normal, Bella. However, the doctor might not take her in; it might not be severe enough for that. He just didn't want you around to see it, or hear it, I guess."

It was all so much information, so much bad news to take in, yet I sat there nodding my head as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Maybe there was something wrong with me.

"How…?" How could all of that have been planned late on a Sunday night?

"He's trying to keep you safe, Bells."

I understood that, I did. I just didn't know how he was managing, how was he coping?

"I should be there for him, Jazz."

He shook his head. "He doesn't want you to see it, Bella. Please, just let me take care of you today. Whether it's school, or a movie in the Port, I don't care."

"I think I want to be in school, Jazz. Even sitting near him will be better. I need to see that he's okay."

Jasper furrowed his brow, but decided against whatever it was he was going to say. He looked concerned as he watched me eat my breakfast, but whatever was bothering him stayed unsaid.

By the time he'd scoffed through two plates of food, we only had thirty minutes to get to school.

Through the entire ride there, I took deep breaths, in and out. I had to stick to my plan, I couldn't be angry at him for being angry at me, but I also couldn't let him think the way he had behaved was right.

Walking away from me. The young police officer. The name change. The lack of contact.

Didn't he know that I'd be worried about him? That I'd be waiting by the phone for _someone _to tell me he was okay.

The first thing I saw was Emmett, simply because he was bigger than everyone else gathered in the lot. The second thing I saw was the look on his face. The third, a tired and worried looking Alice.

My eyes scanned the cars parked when the bell sounded. There was no Volvo, no mane of copper hair, no girls drooling in a certain direction.

He wasn't there.

"Emmett?"

He shook his head sadly. "He didn't come home, Bells. He's shut off his phone; we don't know where he is."

Sometime during breakfast the clouds had rolled over again, hiding the optimistic sun and bringing with it a cool wind.

When everyone else was safely inside their class, I was still standing on the front steps letting the rain pelt off my hood.

I was waiting for him to show up.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Did you notice that Bella is starting to think like you guys? That it felt like they'd broken up a dozen times when in reality it was only twice! Lol :P**

**What did we think then? Let me have it...the response to the last chapter was overwhelming and I'd be honoured if I got that many reviews again.**

**Don't forget you get all the goss over on twitter if you follow me :) And all songs/goss/teasers go up on my blog, too :P**

**See you soon, I sincerely hope :)**

**x**


	43. Never Ending Pain

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey all! Welcome back! :P**

**I'll be quick! I can only apologise for your wait, but for those of you with me from the beginning, it's not the longest I've made you wait for a chapter :P**

**I'm all settled into my new city, university is going well, I love my flatmates and new friends and I hate my job...lol, that's basically how it goes huh? :P Thank you to everyone who's sent support and encouragement over the last few months, I've never met any of you, but your as good friends as if I had :P**

**If you didn't get a reply to your review, it's simply because you have your private messaging disabled – and there seemed to be quite a few of you in that boat, but thanks for getting in touch anyways :)**

**Oh! And thank you again because you guys have gotten me to 700 reviews on this site :P It's not massive, but it's you guys so I wouldn't change a thing :P**

**Anyways, this chapter is shorter than usual, but I'm gonna do it this way now. Shorter updates, but shorter waits between them too :P From here on out Forget Me Not is officially winding down :) I won't give you a number of chapters though, you know me :P**

**Enjoy!**

**I disclaim xx**

* * *

**Chapter 43 – Never Ending Pain**

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair  
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air  
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light  
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim  
I had to stop for the night  
There she stood in the doorway;  
I heard the mission bell  
And I was thinking to myself,  
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'  
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way  
There were voices down the corridor,  
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California  
Such a lovely place  
Such a lovely face  
Plenty of room at the Hotel California  
Any time of year  
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz  
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends  
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.  
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,  
'Please bring me my wine'  
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'  
And still those voices are calling from far away,  
Wake you up in the middle of the night  
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California  
Such a lovely place  
Such a lovely face  
They livin' it up at the Hotel California  
What a nice surprise

Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,  
The pink champagne on ice  
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'  
And in the master's chambers,  
They gathered for the feast  
They stab it with their steely knives,  
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was  
Running for the door  
I had to find the passage back  
To the place I was before  
'Relax,' said the night man,  
'We are programmed to receive.  
You can check-out any time you like,  
But you can never leave!'

_Hotel California – The Eagles_

* * *

EPOV

It was Tuesday if I remembered my fucked up timeline correctly. I'd missed two days of school already. That wasn't going to help with my plan. If I kept to my decision, I wouldn't be back in school until the beginning of next week. Hell, I wouldn't even be back in Forks until the weekend.

I had gone to the Principal to enquire about re-joining my proper grade. I could be a senior, and now, I wanted that more than anything. He'd told me to keep my record spotless and my grades as high as they were. He said I could do it if I put my mind to it.

I could graduate in two months and be done with the whole lot.

I just needed to get through two months.

Two months of seeing her in the hallway, two months of having to pick my seat in class carefully so I wasn't sitting beside her. Two months of having to sit alone, or with my brother just so that I could avoid her. Could I avoid her for that long? Could I see her every day and not completely lose my shit?

I didn't think I was capable of that.

I needed to get to Seattle. It was the closest place I could think of that would have what I needed. I threw myself in the shower, determined to keep my mind from going _there._

I couldn't think about her, about what I'd done to her, about what she had gone through. If the pain I'd experienced the previous day came back, I'd never get through anything. I needed to wait before I let myself think about any of that.

It was harder than I thought it'd be. I'd never tried to _not_ think of Bella. For the past two months she'd been all I thought about, all I wanted to think about. I should have known that I had given her the power to hurt me. Only she had enough power over me to completely destroy me. Hell, she was succeeding pretty fucking well and she wasn't even there.

I signed for my room with a fucking shaking hand, under the watchful eyes of a balding middle aged man who introduced himself as the manager. Like I fucking cared, I was getting out of there. I knew he had something to say, something to judge me by, but I only sneered at him before turning and leaving.

My first port of call had to be a Wall-Mart or some shit because I was in dire need of some fresh clothes. After that, I had to use the rest of my money to buy snacks and put gas in the car.

Providing all went well, I'd be in Seattle before lunch. Maybe then I could breathe, because even ninety fucking miles wasn't enough. The pain was still lurking, still causing tightness in my lungs, and fucked-up me thought that more distance would help soothe the ache in my chest.

I walked through the supermarket like a fucking zombie. Moms with kids watched me wearily as I passed by, looking at me as if I was about to pull a gun and try and rob the place. I could feel eyes on me every step of the way and it made my skin crawl and my anger spike.

I knew I looked like shit, that was the fucking reason I was there in the first place. There was no fucking reason for them to treat me like I was some kind of escaped hardened criminal.

I made a bee-line for the customer toilets before I left, my purchases in hand. I felt like I was slumming it on the street or something as I tried to freshen up by way of the shitty tap and sink. I ran my wet fingers through my hair before blasting it with the moveable nozzle on the hand dryer.

When I looked back in the mirror my lips pulled up almost subconsciously at the thought that Bella would have been killing herself laughing at the state of my hair. It was too long; she was going to cut it for me to take it back down to the length she loved the most.

I was pretty fucking certain she had a thing for running her own fingers through it, something about there being just enough to pull on I think she said once.

I buckled over, hands on the edge of the sink as her memory barraged me. I shook my head, my chest heaving as I struggled for breath, the images fluttering through my head. The feelings they evoked in me were so real, so strong that I almost fell to the floor.

I couldn't think about her, I didn't want that kind of pain. I wasn't strong enough.

She always said she thought I was ready, thought I was strong enough for everything, but she was wrong. She was the strong one, keeping those secrets, lying when it killed even her. That was a strength I'd never know.

I didn't want to think about any of it. I couldn't cope with what I'd done.

I growled loudly, thankful that no one was witnessing my near breakdown and burst into the nearest stall, slamming the thin door behind me, relishing in the clatter it made as the lock crashed against its counterpart.

I slipped my old t-shirt off my back before pulling one of the fresh ones back on. My jeans had to do because I didn't have enough money for everything, but I felt relief when I slipped on a cheap pair of boxers.

I shoved the old t-shirt back in the bag, slipped a stick of gum between my teeth to try and freshen my mouth and left the store trying ridiculously hard to forget everything that had happened in the toilets.

It was like my brain had betrayed me, telling me things I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to think like that, I wanted to wallow in the fact that I was the victim here and there was no other side to it.

When I settled behind the wheel of my car, I knew I was wrong.

When the road in front of me opened back onto the highway, I knew I'd done the wrong thing.

With the radio blasting mindless music at me, I knew the things it had been telling me were right.

It wasn't that I couldn't face what she'd done – I simply couldn't face what _I'd_ done.

Something told me running away wasn't the answer, but Seattle was edging closer according to the signs at the side of the road, and my earlier mission changed. I wasn't going there to get away – I was going there to try and get pieces of me back.

Maybe, just maybe, I could actually do the right thing for once.

**~FMN~**

Seattle was dreary and wet when I arrived, and I tried to quell the disappointment that welled within me. I'd never visited that particular city before, and I tried my hardest not to compare it to Chicago or New York. It didn't work.

The rain slanted down, barely giving time to fall as it bounced off the grey buildings and grey roads. With the help of Google Maps I found my destination and sat in my car staring at the sign above the door for nearly half an hour.

I knew what I'd come to the city to do, I knew what I'd hoped the city would help me feel, but as I sat watching the grey clouds get even darker, I could only feel foolish and panicked.

I'd made the wrong decision.

I should never have tried to run away.

It was now up to me to complete what I'd come for and go home.

That hadn't been the original plan, but I knew I had to go back. Seattle didn't have what I needed, couldn't give me the forgiveness and belief that I craved.

I'd learned to listen to what my head was telling me. For the first time in a very long time, it was on the same page as my heart. They both knew I'd done the wrong thing, and one of them had a feeling that it was going to be too late by the time I made it back.

_You left her, walked out on her when she needed you the most._

_You should have reassured her, listened to her, and told her you still loved her._

_Instead, you threw a pity party, got angry, lashed out, and said things you'll never be able to take back. Flirted and cheated._

I was never going to find my way back, and I didn't mean geographically.

Something inside me told me I'd lost who I was sometime in the forty-eight hours I'd been gone.

What had I done?

I shook my head as tears gathered in my eyes, the pain in my chest nearly overwhelming me.

I'd tried to ignore it, push it down again and again, thinking it would eventually be too deep to ever bother me.

I thought I could move on and forget about it all.

I was wrong.

The pain that my avoidance was causing me was more intense than anything I'd felt before. I'd made the wrong decisions, acted the wrong way and probably ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.

The pain that lit into an all-consuming fire inside me was threatening to spill over.

I slammed my fist down on the top of my steering wheel, knowing I had gathered the attention of a few people passing by my car. I didn't care; they couldn't possibly know what I was going through, what I was feeling, what I had myself caused.

It was all my fault.

No, I couldn't think about that right now.

I groaned as I breathed in, the simple action hurting my already constricted chest, like the space was too tight for my expanding lungs.

Before I could rethink, before I could doubt my mission, I opened the car door and stepped out into the lashing rain. Even though it was only a few quick strides until I was through the door, my hair was dripping and my body was shaking by the time I passed through into the marble space.

The bank was impressive on the inside, much like it was on the outside. The old building housed a modern space, with dark wood tables and desks, gold gilding and marble floors and stairs. The long wall length windows let in light in abundance and I was sure it would look almost imposing on a bright sunny day as it glinted and bounced off the shiny, expensive surfaces.

Without ever having met my dad, the space I found myself in told me this was what his world was like. Maybe that was why he'd chosen that particular bank to house my fund.

I had no idea what would be expected of me. I knew I could hardly walk in and simply get access to hundreds of thousands of dollars. I had identification – more than one – and I had the statements and letters that had been sent to Edward Masen, but I wasn't sure that would be enough.

I was only seventeen, not eighteen for another couple of months, but according to the wealth of information in the brown envelope clutched in my hands, I had access to a limited amount of the money when I turned sixteen.

I would have access to more when I turned eighteen in June, but I wouldn't be privileged to the entire amount until I was twenty-five. That was a long fucking time away.

I was out of my depth as I stood taking in my surroundings. I was doubting every thought I'd decided on. I didn't need the money; I really no longer wanted it for what I'd talked myself into. If I was going home, I didn't need it at all.

My feet were stuck as my brain filtered through the decisions I'd made in my self-imposed darkness. Get the money, get to Chicago, and visit my grandparents because I really fucking missed them. I'd stay with them overnight to regroup before flying to New York.

Once there I was set on finding my mother and my father, because I was sure that was where she'd gone. She just upped and left, leaving behind a husband and two children. I say two because I was sure she was no longer thinking of me.

I held no anger towards my father, only insecurity and fear because I wanted to know why he didn't want me – then and now. I wanted to know why he'd never tried to find anything out about me, get in touch with his only son.

I wanted to know if I _was_ his only son. Did I have extended family I didn't know about? I could have brothers and sisters, and I wondered if his new family knew about me, if they existed.

Then I wanted to know where she was. I had no idea what I'd say or do if I found her or saw her, but I was sure I wouldn't make it through without breaking down. She was my mother and I was only just beginning to realize that she'd never really seen herself that way. I'd always been treated differently, looked at passively.

If it hadn't been for Carlisle, I was sure my childhood would have been miserable. If it hadn't been for his acceptance and love, I never would have found it, because I was sure my mother wasn't capable of seeing me that way. I reminded her of a life she couldn't have, wouldn't have, and whether she realized it or not, she took it out on me when I didn't know any better.

It could only take a week, though. I had to be back in Forks, I had to get back to school. I had to buckle down and work hard, graduate in two months and get out of there forever. I'd go back to Chicago and stay awhile; maybe I'd apply late to a few colleges, maybe I'd go back to New York, I hadn't thought much further than getting out of Forks and never looking back.

But now, now I was going home. I had to go to Dr Silvers and beg her to make it better, to take away the hate and the panic.

I had to deal with the pain that was simmering inside me, building with every passing second.

I had to face my fears, face the embodiment of my hate and panic, face Bella and beg for forgiveness.

Face myself. Face what I had done – then and now.

I reached my hand up to my chest, digging the heel of my palm into the space above my heart as the pain ripped through me again.

"Son, are you okay?" A faint voice reached my ears and I turned to find a man in the bank uniform watching my warily. I was going to scoff, nod and walk away, but as I tried to move, my head swam and the floor came up to meet me.

The next thing I felt was the cold of the floor seeping into my bones, my rain soaked clothes chilling my skin. The same faint voice floated over me and I closed my eyes, trying to find my bearings as I shook my head in answer.

No, I wasn't okay.

**~FMN~**

Bella's POV: Now

It took me a while to realize it was my fault he didn't show. He didn't want to see me. That much was obvious.

However, it wasn't until the bell sounded again – jarring me from my thoughts – that I realized I was somewhat relieved.

I made my way to English silently – ignoring the strangely quiet hallway I made my path along. If I had paid attention, maybe I would have realized that people were stopping and looking, wondering what the hell was going on with me. I might have noticed that Jessica had already put two and two together when she overheard a conversation between Jasper and Emmett about Edward, but as I shivered from the cold I decided I didn't care.

They were bound to talk, it was always going to be an outcome, I just had to ignore it and get on with my day.

By the time lunch rolled around, my relief at Edward's absence had manifested itself to the point where I wasn't even missing him. But then I felt guilt, crushing down because I was the reason he had run away, I had no right to just write him off. However, I couldn't ignore the stabbing of disappointment that ate away at me, because as much as I wanted to pretend none of it had happened, I still longed to see him. There wasn't a second of my day when I didn't think about him, wishing he was by my side when he couldn't be, and that day was no exception.

My relief overwhelmed me, because I knew if he'd shown up I would have taken one look at those hypnotizing emerald depths and been sucked straight back into a world where I was insecure, fragile and incapable of sticking up for myself.

I needed more time to work on my strength, and whether he knew it or not, he had given me it.

I needed to be strong enough to control my anger, to direct my anger in the right place. It sounded wrong to even contemplate it, but he needed to see that I was angry with him, that what he had done was wrong, that running away wasn't going to solve anything and only made me hurt even more.

Hadn't he hurt me enough? Didn't he realize that he was killing me with his absence and his ever obvious tactics at ignoring me? It hadn't escaped my notice that my phone had been quiet – too quiet – all day.

I got through each class, I survived the eerily quiet drive home, I ignored the way Alice, Emmett and Jasper watched me like I was a ticking bomb.

When I arrived home I noticed Jasper speed past in my rear view mirror and by the time I'd sorted myself and gathered my bag off the floor of my truck, he was opening my door and smiling at me faintly.

It wasn't until that smile – the, are you okay, I don't think you should go in because you can't cope with much more smile – hit me that I remembered what else was happening in my life.

My thoughts had been solely centred on Edward and his pain that I'd managed to completely forget about what was going down in my own home.

_Renee, psychiatrist, Charlie._

"Homework? I'm only sitting in your mess of a room if you have cookies."

Jasper looked highly surprised that I even had the function of speech before he nodded slowly.

"Uh, yeah, cookies, sure…"

I laughed, I actually laughed. How many times did I find myself thanking God, or whoever there was, that Jasper existed, that he was in my life to keep me together?

He hooked my arm through is before leading me in the direction of his house with a lasting look at my own front door. My dad's car was in the driveway, but that didn't mean they were all still in there. The more I thought about it, however, the more I asked myself where else would they have gone, of course they were in there.

With a quick hello to Mrs. Whitlock and my hands full of cookies and soda, we traipsed up to Jasper's surprisingly spotless room. Jasper didn't clean for anybody or anything and he glanced at me sheepishly when I stopped dead in the doorway. It wasn't until my eyes landed on a familiar scarf folded on his desk that I realized why he would have made such an effort. He had Alice now, they probably spent a lot of time in his room, and if I were her, I'd have asked him to do it too. Only I wasn't his girlfriend, I was just the best friend, mess was allowed in our relationship.

I smiled, though the thought of their relationship hurt me inside, because I was genuinely glad they had each other – that Jasper had someone to look after him after all the years he'd spent devoted to me.

The moment passed awkwardly, but I said nothing before launching myself onto his double bed and pulling the books from my school bag.

I buried my head in my math book, numbers and equations swirling in front of my eyes before too long.

It may have been minutes, or hours that passed between that point and my father coming to "collect" me. I felt like we were six years old again and we weren't allowed to travel the short distance between our houses on our own. When my mother would appear at the door, shouting a warning before she delved into conversation with Jasper's.

We knew that they'd be talking for the best part of thirty minutes and that we wouldn't have to rush, that we could continue with whatever crazy game we'd concocted, or make even more mess in our "creativity" before we'd be separated only to see each other again in the morning.

Only, my mother wouldn't be at the door again. I wouldn't sit on the bottom step, just behind Marie, soaking in my mother's beauty and her gentle smile every time her eyes would flick to me over her friends shoulder.

My dad was rocking back and forth on his heels as I descended the stairs, schoolbag over my shoulder and Jasper's hand in mine. It felt wrong – the hand – but I tried not to dwell on why. He was my best friend, the only person, it seemed, that I could count on. Period. Well, apart from Charlie.

With a single glance I knew he was hurting, could read the pain etched so clearly into his eyes as he tried to hold it in before his friends, me. I crossed the threshold and tightly secured my arms around his waist, breathing in his familiar scent. I felt rather than heard the breath catch in his throat and I squeezed tighter, praying I could be the one to hold him together, hoping my own technique could work on others.

It only took him about half a minute to compose himself and pull back, the pain and uncertainty gone from his demeanour and face. I found myself wondering why I couldn't be as strong as him.

"Ready to go home?" he asked gently.

Was I? Was I ready to face everything that had happened in that house? Ready to hear about the fate of my family? The inevitable loss of another important person in my life in the space of four days? Ready to walk into a house that I already know will never be the same again?

With a sure nod of my head I knew I was. If my dad; my quiet, reserved and loving dad could find the strength to let his own wife go for the protection of his daughter, then I had to find the strength to stand by his side and give him the support I knew he'd never ask for.

Marie offered to make dinner for all of us, but we respectfully declined on my surprise confession that I wanted to cook and that we'd take her up on her offer some other time. I knew it wasn't really that easy to move on. I was blocking it out, but I knew whenever we were back behind our own closed door, I'd have to face everything my dad had to tell me.

I had to find the strength – which was increasingly difficult to face as I'd always previously thought my strength had been in Edward. How was I supposed to find it when he was missing? Out there somewhere hating me?

I made my way straight to the kitchen, Charlie following quietly before sitting down at the table and watching me opening the fridge to inspect what food we had. I knew what was coming when he cleared his throat, but he didn't seem to mind that I didn't sit down, that I kept my attention on something else.

He spoke gently, almost too quietly until I stopped and braced my hands against the counter, my eyes fixed on the tree line at the end of our yard.

Renee had gone without much fuss.

She'd agreed to be taken in, signed all the forms that released her care into Charlie's hands.

They had enough money to cover her care and stay at the home.

She was to see a multitude of different doctors and psychiatrists who would hopefully help her through her "episodes." I didn't want to mention that her latest "episode" had lasted nearly five months. What did I know anyway?

Charlie could cover everything, the rent, the bills, my mother's healthcare.

I knew what was coming – I could see it rushing towards me before he even opened his mouth.

_It was too early to think about it anyway, but we'd have to sit down and think about my college options. Some of my choices – the choices he knew were the most important to me – were suddenly too far out of my reach. He'd never be able to cover the cost; we might not be eligible for financial help._

_Might. Maybe. It's not certain._

I could see the pain in his eyes when I turned around. I knew he was trying, but it was useless. It was like he was the last of the butter in the tub, faced with too many slices of bread. He just couldn't manage it all. Something had to be sacrificed. It was either my safety, my state of mind, or my possible dreams of college.

I wanted to scream, hate him, but I couldn't. He was keeping me safe, the way he had done for my whole life.

I couldn't hate him for doing it again, for sticking up for me, choosing me over everything else. He was just being an amazing father, a job he very rarely got any recognition for.

The words were out of my mouth before I realize I wanted to say them. "It'll be okay, Dad. We'll think of something."

I smiled; I actually smiled, despite the pain and turmoil in my head.

I had to stand by him; he was all I had left. I was all he had left; I wasn't going to abandon him when he'd only been doing his best to keep us together.

Edward wasn't mentioned. I carried on with dinner and sat down to eat it with Charlie. We talked about my day at school, the homework I had to do that I then sat in the living room and completed while he watched ESPN. The giant pink elephant in the room was ignored until it was almost suffocating me.

One lone tear dripped from the corner of my eye onto my textbook as I flipped the cover shut. It was only one before I shut down my emotions and ignored the gaping hole in my chest again. But one was enough for Charlie to notice, as if he'd been watching me, waiting for me to break down again. Maybe he had.

"I'll get you through this, Bella. I promise, I'll do whatever it takes to make everything right again."

I acted as if his words had no effect on me, but I was positive he knew he'd said the right thing again when I pressed a kiss to his head before I headed to bed. It was more than I'd done all week. Hell, it was more than I'd done all year.

His words settled around me as I wormed under the duvet and shut my eyes. They wrapped around me like an invisible shield, blocking out only one thing, the one thing I couldn't stop replaying in my head until then. Edward's words.

He'd replaced them with some sort of security blanket, and with it, Charlie had once again brought me some hope, that maybe I'd be okay.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Thank you for reading! **

**Remember you can always find me on my blog or over on twitter :) www(dot)liveindakota(dot)blogspot(dot)com or LiveInDakota :)**

**Hear from y'all soon I hope :)**

**xx**


	44. The Long Road Home

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**It's been five months and for that I can only apologise. I realise a lot of you will have completely forgotten what even happened last and I ask that you take a few mins to go back and recap the last chapter if that's the case, I apologise for you having to do that too :)**

**For those of you who reviewed, quite a few of you have your direct messages disabled, so if you didn't get a reply, that is why...unless you were one of the anonymous ones who left seething reviews...thanks for them...**

**To everyone else, I thank you for your patience, your understanding and your support! Life is settled again for the next few months and I'm working away happily on an original piece that has me all sorts of excited :)**

**So before I bore you, onwards with the tale. Edward was last in Seattle and fainted in the bank, and Bella was told by Charlie that he could no longer afford her tuition fees because of Renee being in her new home. Right now she feels like she's lost just about everything. Don't forget that I promised you a HEA :D**

**xx**

* * *

**Chapter Forty Four: The Long Road Home**

I am outside  
And I've been waiting for the sun  
With my wide eyes  
I've seen worlds that don't belong  
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize  
Tell me why we live like this

Keep me safe inside  
Your arms like towers  
Tower over me

Yeah  
Cause we are broken  
What must we do to restore  
Our innocence  
And oh, the promise we adored  
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

Lock the doors  
Cause I'd like to capture this voice  
It came to me tonight  
So everyone will have a choice  
And under red lights  
I'll show myself it wasn't forged  
We're at war  
We live like this

Keep me safe inside  
Your arms like towers  
Tower over me

Cause we are broken  
What must we do to restore  
Our innocence  
And oh, the promise we adored  
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

Tower over me  
Tower over me

And I'll take the truth at any cost

Cause we are broken  
What must we do to restore  
Our innocence  
And oh, the promise we adored  
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

_We Are Broken – Paramore_

* * *

EPOV

"You know yourself, sir; he should be fine with a lot of rest. The boy has clearly just run out of steam. Stress and big changes in his life can all be factors with this. I see in his file he has a psychiatrist?" There was a pause in which all I could hear was the stupid beeping machine beside me.

"Then I suggest he changes his appointments to twice a week from here on out. He needs all the help he can get at the moment. I've had him sedated since he arrived. He's done nothing but thrash and scream and frankly we were a little concerned for his own welfare for a while."

I was? Thrashing? Screaming? I don't recall either of those things, and that alone scares me. I wanted to know why they were talking about me, who they even were, but the next voice sinks through my haze like a blade in butter and I become even more confused.

"Of course. I can keep an eye on him at home, but I'll make sure to be in touch with her whenever we get back to Forks." Carlisle sounded strained, tired, like he'd given up on life and that too scared me. I'd never heard Carlisle Cullen with so little life in him.

When I battled my eyelids and opened them against the harsh light, it took a while to focus on him, but he looked just as he sounded. Defeated. There was a small voice in the back of my head that told me it was my fault. But I had more pressing matters. Why the fuck was I in a hospital?

My arm twitched against my will, garnering the attention of both doctors in the room and like a little boy caught doing something he shouldn't, I froze under their attention, my eyes fixed on Carlisle's, both sets wide with fear and uncertainty.

"You're awake."

Well, obviously, I thought, but instead of voicing my bitterness aloud, I simply stared, aware that he was probably as stuck as I was for what to say.

My voice was scratchy, my throat sore from disuse – and all the tears – I thought bitterly, when I answered. "How long was I out?"

"Mr. Cullen, I'm Dr. Reynolds, how are you feeling?"

My head feels extra heavy when I roll it to the side to take in the sharply dressed young doctor in front of me. Feelings I hadn't experienced in what felt like years rushed to the surface as I took him in. He was what I had always wanted to be, what I had recently forgotten I wanted to be. Young, smart, successful, helping others.

The bitterness and anger in me was seeping out as I looked at him with contempt. It wasn't his fault I felt worthless and broken, not his fault that my anger was radiating towards him simply because he was everything I feared I would never be now.

"Fine," I replied shortly before asking again, "How long was I out?"

Ignoring my attitude, he glanced over my record. It was obvious he'd already read it because no flicker of surprise or pity danced across his face when he got to the accident or the amnesia, I had been there long enough for him to already know everything about me.

Everything in that file was all that was left that was real anymore. The evidence on those sheets of paper was all I had left that was true about who I was.

"Just over eleven hours. Can you tell me what you remember before your fall?"

My forehead scrunched in confusion. "What fall?" Both Carlisle and the Doctor looked at me quickly and quizzically.

"The manager of the bank told the paramedics who brought you in that you collapsed in the middle of the foyer. Can you remember why? Maybe how you were feeling beforehand?"

I shook my head because honestly, I was feeling so much over the previous days that there was no way I could have pinpointed one emotion.

"I suggest a lot of rest, and if you can, to avoid getting too stressed over the next few weeks, Mr Cullen. All of your tests and scans have come back normal, you haven't sustained any injuries and the swelling on your brain from the original accident is gone completely. I'd say you're as good as you're going to get physically so I have no problem discharging you."

As good as you're going to get.

I was glad he added on the "physically" after that statement because otherwise I may have swung for him. If I wasn't in a hospital bed that was. If this was as good as I was going to get, then I was in for a very miserable existence.

I caught Carlisle's eye as I looked away from my exiting doctor towards the window, noted the sadness etched in his tired expression. I knew I'd been selfish running away, but it hadn't occurred to me that more people than Bella would have been hurt by it.

I'd done it to my father before and it wasn't so long ago I'd sworn to him I wouldn't do it again. I'd failed as his son already.

"Dad, I'm…"

The words got stuck in my throat at the look of surprise that passed across his features. I don't think I remembered the last time I called him dad, meaning it must have been before things got so fucked up the first time round.

"What happened, Edward? Alice just said you took off, and that Bella's been looking for you for three days."

I flinched at the sound of her name, not quite ready to hear it outside of my own head, and I was fairly certain Carlisle noticed.

"You remember, don't you?" he asked sadly. I shook my head, leading to his confusion.

"I don't remember much, but I do know the truth…" I tried to fight the anger and hurt that bubbled quickly to the surface, dragging in deep breaths and ignoring the tightness in my chest.

"Renee…she showed up at Bella's, hell-bent on causing problems and hurting her. How can someone treat their own daughter like that?" I was avoiding the main issue and we both knew it, but my words struck something within us too. As far as I knew, Esme was still MIA.

"It's not really my place, but she isn't well, Edward. Charlie had to make a decision to keep Bella safe, and I think it's been sorted over the last few days, but you should really talk to her about it."

I shook my head.

"You have to talk to her Edward. She is the only one who could possibly understand what you're going through. She's needed you for over six months, now is no different. I can't promise she'll want to see you, she was pretty angry and upset about you walking out on her, but you have to try and fix this." He raked his fingers through his thinning hair and sank, defeated, into the chair beside my bed.

"She wanted to tell you, she's always wanted to tell you. The lying was tearing her apart. I gave her the decision, all the power, told her that if that was what she wanted, we'd stand by her, but I have to take some of the blame, Edward, I told her what the neurological surgeon told me – that filling in your past could set you back – and I'm afraid I probably scared her into keeping things from you. I'm sorry for that, son."

"It's not your fault," I muttered, not wanting to talk about it at all.

"If you can say that so easily, then you have to realise that it wasn't her fault either. She was trying to keep you safe; it's astounding what that girl would put herself through just to make sure you're okay."

I closed my eyes tightly, the pain in my chest magnifying with every word he spoke. He was right, of course he was right, and the way I had treated her was beyond reproach.

"I freaked out. I didn't even feel like myself – it was like someone else had taken my anger and moulded me into something I didn't even recognise. I just had to get out of there; I couldn't even look at her. I just ran to the car and drove; I didn't even really have a plan. I came to Seattle because I thought maybe I could access my funds from the bank, and I had this plan that I'd fly out to New York and confront them both. We all know mom is out there and I was so angry that she'd fucked me up beyond repair that I wanted to make her feel the same pain as me. I stopped in some dingy hotel and drank myself into a stupor for nearly two days, I had to get rid of the pain somehow, but it didn't work, nothing is working!" My voice was rising steadily and with the door propped open, more than one passer-by paused by my door looking for some sort of drama.

Carlisle's hand was on my shoulder and his voice was telling me to breathe. "Just breathe through it, Edward, it's the only thing you can do. Bottling it up, or drinking it out isn't going to help. I know talking about it is the hardest answer, trust me _I know_, but you have to do it, otherwise it's going to destroy you, and I can't watch that happen again. There are people who need you, Edward, you have to fight this."

I didn't even realise I was crying until he was brushing tears from my face, and I suddenly felt like a child again. He made it sound so easy, but I couldn't see a way out from under all this.

"Alice adores you, she won't cope with you disappearing again, it nearly broke her the first time. And Emmett, he thinks you want nothing to do with him and it's broken him. He's your big brother, no matter what any piece of paper, and he'll love you that way until the day he dies. And if I have to remind you how much Bella loves you, unconditionally, then this will take longer than I thought."

"She can't, not anymore, there's no way she'll listen to me now."

"Yes, she will, Edward. That's what unconditional means. She loves you more than anyone ever will, and if you don't fight for that, for her, then you'll never feel like yourself again."

With sobs wracking through my already exhausted body, there was nothing I could do but let Carlisle hold me together on that hospital bed. I felt like I was drowning. The faces of my family and Bella's were swimming through my head one after the other, all of them smiling warmly apart from one. Those deep brown eyes broken, her pale skin streaked with tears, her hatred clearly spelled out across her face.

The pain I'd tried to ignore was taking over and despite the words of my father; I couldn't seem to see a way out. I wasn't in control of anything, the anger and the hurt had overrun everything, until unconscious took me again.

However, even there my drugged up dreams were full of monsters and Bella screaming in terror and pain. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get to her, couldn't save her, until I realised it was me she was so frightened of. She was running from me, her light being consumed slowly by my darkness.

There was no way out.

**BPOV**

Tuesday was the same as Monday. I stood waiting until well after the bell, knowing in my heart Edward wasn't going to show up. I went through the motions all over again, class, sitting alone, ignoring Lauren's jeers, pretending to listen to Jasper and Alice at lunch.

I felt empty inside. Renee was gone, Edward was gone, even the prospect of college was gone.

I hadn't told anyone of course. I didn't want their pity any more than I already had it.

Emmett sat down heavily at our lunch table that day, much to the surprise of us and his teammates. I could just imagine what they were saying, but for once I didn't care. Or maybe I just didn't have the strength left to.

"Babybell?"

I smiled faintly at his nickname for me, turning to look up at his sad eyes. Someone as jovial and free-spirited as Emmett should never look so defeated, and yet there we all were, less cheery than a funeral procession.

"Hey, Em."

"He didn't mean it, you know."

I looked up at him, puzzled, how could he possibly know what his brother had said, I hadn't told anyone.

"Whatever it was he was dumb enough to spew in his anger, he didn't mean it. He loves you; he's always loved you, as fiercely as anyone can. He's possessive and happy and complete when you're in his life, there's no way – no matter how angry he is right now – he'll give that up. Ever."

As I slid my arms around the back of his head and accepted his warm, crushing hug, I wondered what it was about the Cullen men that gave them such a way with words.

"Besides, you're like a little sister now. No, you are a little sister now, I'm not going to let him fuck this up anymore, and you're not going anywhere if I have anything to do with it."

Battling the emotions inside me I thanked him quietly, holding on a little longer, appreciating the way his loyalty and devotion to the people he loved seeped into me as he held me together.

It was hard to imagine how anything could go wrong with Emmett Cullen on your team and his words gave me the strength I needed to get through the rest of the day.

When Alice stopped by before school the next morning I knew there was something up. She hadn't worn make-up in days, her eyes were dulling more and more and her clothes– for the first time since we'd met – looked thrown together, instead of meticulously placed.

"He hasn't been home in three days, we have no idea where he is," she said quietly when she sat on the edge of the sofa.

I knew we were both thinking the same thing. New York would be the first place he would go, but how he would get there was a mystery to me.

"Can he afford it?"

"Dad is worried about him going back. If he's remembered about his allowance then he'll try to access it and get to New York relatively safely, but if he hasn't then we don't know what he'd try. Dad says it's very unlikely he's acting or thinking like himself, that even with healed brain damage, a set back like this could change his personality altogether. I don't know if that's believable or not, I'm not a doctor, but if dad is worried then we all should be.

"I'm sorry I'm laying all this on you, but I thought you should know. He isn't avoiding you; he just isn't interested in talking to any of us, not at the moment anyway."

Things seemed to change between us that morning. We'd never been the greatest of friends in the five months or so we'd known each other, but when I offered her a lift to school, she'd accepted, and despite the journey being silent, I couldn't say I'd hated her company.

She was absent at lunch, however, not even Jasper knowing where she was. When Emmett made his excuses and left before the bell, too, my muddled brain knew there was something up, but it would just take too much effort for me to figure out what.

With the sun shining by the time I made it home, and Charlie's car in the driveway, it wasn't a complete surprise when he told me he'd invited a few people over for a BBQ. I was thankful he could handle cooking meat on a grill because there was no way I was up to playing host for the evening. Billy Black and Jake arrived first, with Sue and her daughter Leah next – neither of whom I remembered meeting before – and I snuck away to invite Jasper and his parents over, so I would selfishly have someone to hide in my room with most of the night.

Jake attempted to be nice, to start a conversation, but each time I rudely brushed him off, confused about why I was angry at him. When he'd tried to hug me when I opened the door I'd completely frozen in place and pushed him away almost aggressively. Neither of which went unnoticed by him or his father.

I supposed Charlie was trying to take my mind off things, trying to distract me with laughter and friends, but I couldn't bring myself to either care or participate and I was sure everyone in the house could tell. Only Jasper, his parents and Charlie knew why, though, and I knew Charlie was a little embarrassed to be making excuses for me to everyone else.

I kept checking my phone, time and again, and even I wasn't sure why. I kept expecting there to be something from either Alice or Emmett – again I wasn't sure why – but each time I lit up my screen there was just a picture of Jasper and I smiling back at me. The background I'd had of Edward in our tent had mysteriously disappeared from my phone at the weekend, and it didn't take a detective to work out that Jasper had removed it, trying to ease my pain somehow.

He didn't know, however, that I brought it up on my screen every night before I fell asleep, staring at his sparkling, happy green eyes, hoping they'd be there for real when I awoke the next morning. I didn't know who was more ridiculous, Jasper for thinking removing one photo would help, or me for thinking wishing on it would make anything happen.

"Bella?" Jake's voice snapped me out of my stupor and I looked up to find him leaning against the back wall of the house watching me apprehensively.

"Hey, Jake," I sighed quietly, turning back to staring at a patch of grass in the back yard.

I didn't hear him move from his spot, but I was grateful for the blanket he draped over my shoulders, and I pulled it tightly around myself, thanking him quietly as he sat down on the deck beside me.

"You know, I nearly threatened him the last time I spoke to him, but I decided against it, I didn't think he'd be dumb enough to hurt you again."

I looked around at him, shocked, my heart beating a little faster at the thought of talking about him with someone who didn't know the whole story.

"Bella, you look like death, I'm sorry but you do." He held his hands up in defence, but I didn't smile, just went back to staring at my patch. "You look…Bella; you look like you did at the end of last year. And I know there are only a handful of people who know what that looks like."

"We met in New York, Jake. It's always been him. When he found out last weekend he flipped out and left. He hasn't spoken to me or his family since. There's a part of me that knows he isn't coming back, and I don't blame him, but there's a bigger part of me that's so angry at him. I've never felt this angry and I'm barely containing it, it's taking everything out of me to just be numb. Feeling nothing is better than unleashing everything inside of me at the moment."

"No, it's not, Bells. You don't know what you were like last year; it was as if you weren't even really there anymore. The lights were on but there was definitely no one home. You'd stare at the same space for hours, days on end; you barely registered when someone touched you, or fed you, or changed you. It was like you were in a coma but your eyes were open. It's the scariest thing I've ever seen and I swear to God, if you go back there, I won't stick around to pick up the pieces. You need to fight this. You need to realise how strong you are and let those feelings control you, because they won't go away until you recognise that they're there."

I looked at him again, the friend I'd had since childhood, who'd changed in so many ways but was still the reliable rock I knew he'd always be.

"When did you get so smart?"

"I just know when I don't want to watch the people I love suffer and disappear in front of my eyes. I could sit here and tell you to forget him, that he doesn't deserve you, but I know that wouldn't work. You don't want anyone else, so all that's left for me to do is help you see that you can get through anything if you put your mind to it."

"I can't, Jake." I shook my head, the truth in his words crashing over me. He had far more faith in me than I did, and it was hard to think of myself as anything other than the weak, emotional mess I'd been for so long.

"Yes, Bells, you can." He scooted over gently, tucking me under his strong arm and cradling my head to his warm chest with his hand. I felt safe and secure for the first time in days, and with his calm washing over me I realised maybe he was right. I deserved to be angry, to stand up for myself and fight for what I wanted.

When Jasper arrived on the back porch I realised I had all I needed to do just that. With them around me, I just might have the strength to get through anything.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

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	45. Letting Go

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**News! I AM CHANGING MY PENNAME! So if you usually just type me in, you'll need to know that it'll be changing! Keep your eyes peeled! I'll be letting you know before I do it! :D**

**Less than two weeks and there's an update? How proud are you? Haha :)**

**Once again, if you didn't get a reply to your review it's because you have your private messaging disabled, but thank you for reviewing anyway! :)**

**Onwards! I know many of you wont "like" this chapter, but I hope most of you will understand what happens at the end and why!**

**Any mistakes are mine as this hasn't been run passed my beta, so please excuse them! :)**

**Enjoy x**

* * *

**Chapter 45: Letting Go**

The smell of your skin lingers on me now  
You're probably on your flight back to your home town  
I need some shelter of my own protection baby  
To be with myself and center, clarity  
Peace, serenity…

I hope you know, I hope you know  
That this has nothing to do with you  
It's personal, myself and I  
We got some straightenin' out to do  
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket  
But I've got to get a move on with my life  
It's time to be a big girl now  
And big girls don't cry  
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone  
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown  
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?  
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know  
That this has nothing to do with you  
It's personal, myself and I  
We've got some straightenin' out to do  
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket  
But I've got to get a move on with my life  
It's time to be a big girl now  
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard  
We'll play jacks and uno cards  
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine  
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to  
'Cause I want to hold yours too  
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds  
But it's time for me to go home  
It's getting late, dark outside  
I need to be with myself and center, clarity  
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know  
That this has nothing to do with you  
It's personal, myself and I  
We got some straightenin' out to do  
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket  
But I've got to get a move on with my life  
It's time to be a big girl now  
And big girls don't cry  
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

_Fergie – Big Girls Don't Cry_

* * *

**BPOV**

I stared at Jasper, not quite comprehending what he was telling me. We'd been in this situation before of course, when he'd broken the – false – news that Edward had cheated on me with Lauren, but this time I knew he was telling the truth.

A truth that at any other point in life would have been welcome news, but it stung and ached more deeply than I cared to remember. Edward was back in Forks and he hadn't even told me.

How long had he been back? Where was he staying? How was he feeling? Where had he been?

"How do you know?"

"Alice called, about ten minutes ago, Carlisle was called to a hospital in Seattle –" I felt the yard spin a little as his words sunk in, and putting my hand out I caught myself on the wall and sank into the nearest patio chair. _Edward was in hospital._

"He's fine, Bella. They kept him overnight for observation and Carlisle brought him home, they've only just got back. I told you as soon as I found out."

I believed him. I got that Jasper was worried about me thinking he'd kept something from me and that it was important to him to let me know that wasn't the case.

I could see Jake through the kitchen window, smiling at something my dad had said to him and I wondered again why it couldn't be Edward standing in his place. He'd helped me understand that while he'd hoped we'd have been more he knew how I felt for Edward, and promised he'd only be there for me as a friend and nothing more for as long as I needed it. And, God did I need it.

He'd gone back inside as Jasper had finished his phone call and had stood staring at me in concern. I knew right then that he'd heard something.

_Edward was back in Forks._

Despite the hurt I still felt, the anger I still had simmering inside, over how he'd treated me, I felt beyond relieved that he was at least home. It hadn't taken much for me to believe he'd run away and wasn't coming back. He'd done it before. I briefly wondered what he was doing in Seattle, but there was a more important question to be answered.

"Why was he in hospital?"

Jasper looked uncomfortable, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Alice said he collapsed in a bank. The manager phoned emergency services and he was taken to Harborview. According to Carlisle the stress and the level of alcohol he was coming down from combined to make him black-out. He said it wasn't uncommon with brain damage patients."

I cringed. _Brain-damage._ I knew it was true, but it made him seem like he'd lost his free will, his personality…

_He had._

I'd spent the previous four months telling myself he was the same Edward I knew from New York, but he wasn't. He was more cautious, more self-conscious, quieter and unsure of himself. I knew the side of himself he didn't convey to the guys at school. I'd seen him at his most vulnerable, and it was different from the way he'd been in New York. Then he'd been a shell, but there were still glimpses of the guy I learned him to be.

That guy barely existed any more. Especially since he'd learned the truth. He was angry, volatile and selfish if his behaviour in the last four days was anything to go by.

_He flirted with someone else. Said he wished he'd never been born. That he hated this town and everything in it._

He'd never been that angry with me before, and I was sure I had never felt so angry at him either. Or disappointed. He'd run, again, when he should have stayed and faced his demons like the rest of us had to do on a daily basis.

"How long have they been back?" I asked quietly, a plan forming in my mind.

"Alice said a couple of hours, she just wanted things to settle down before she called." I nodded, not mad at her for needing time to get her family back together. Or at least back in the same house.

"I need to go over there…." Jasper was about to interrupt when I held my hand up. "I'm not going to see him, I don't _want_ to see him, I just want to talk to Carlisle, see what's happening."

I think Jasper was as surprised as me at the statement I had just uttered. I hadn't planned to say it, it sort of just slipping out, but I realised it was true. For the first time since we'd met, I didn't want to see Edward, despite having the opportunity to.

I was too angry, too bitter to see him. There was no knowing what I'd say that I'd later regret, and I didn't want to put extra pressure on him when he was clearly struggling already. It didn't excuse his behaviour and I found myself realising nothing would ever excuse what he did, but I still didn't want to be responsible for making him worse. I loved him, that, at least, would never change, even if everything else in our lives did. Even if I never got the chance to say it again.

I ignored the way my heart squeezed in my chest. I was a walking cliché, my head and my heart at war with one another. One was telling me to forget him, he was a dick and didn't deserve another chance, while the other was telling me he was the father of my unborn child and the first boy I'd ever loved, a love I knew then I would never forget or get over.

"Do you want someone to take you?" He asked as we walked side-by-side into the kitchen. I shook my head as Charlie and Jake turned to look at me.

"Take you where?" Charlie asked, the humor from earlier still evident in his face.

"The Cullens," Jasper answers for me. "Edward's back."

The sadness that my dad looks at with is enough to make my bottom lip quiver, but I reign in the tears and brush past them all.

"I'm not going to see him, I told you that. I need to hear what Carlisle has to say. And I'm going on my own." I added at the end, not waiting around to hear their warnings, or see the sympathy etched into their expressions.

I wasn't going to see him. I felt like I was being the bigger person, putting our argument aside to make sure he was okay and learn - if I could – what he knew or had remembered in his absence. It all involved me, it wasn't like I was sticking my nose in where it wasn't wanted, it was my life too.

I climbed into my truck, fired it up and backed out onto the road. I travelled the all-too-familiar road through town and out to the Cullen's driveway before turning onto the dirt road.

The house loomed before me too quickly. My truck was rolling to a stop in front of the porch steps too soon. And the front door opened way too soon for me to be ready for it. There, standing in the door frame was Emmett, arms crossed in front of him and brows furrowed in confusion, as if he couldn't understand what I was doing there.

I was starting to ask myself that as I climbed down and slammed the door too loudly behind me. If I'd hoped for a quiet entrance, there was no way they didn't all know I was there.

"Hey, Em," I said, quietly, reservedly.

"Bells," he replied softly with a nod of his head before opening his arms and folding me into him when I reached the top step.

He seemed so sad that I could do nothing more than hug him back, unused to seeing a brokenly vulnerable side to him. All I knew was the fun loving goofball Rose talked about and the smiley, cuddly big guy he was to me.

"Edward's asleep," he spoke up after a few minutes of silence, and I separated myself from his grasp.

He stepped back towards the ajar front door, grabbing the handle with his hand behind his back.

"I didn't come here to see him. I don't want to see him." It was the second time I'd said that in an hour and I realised it was hurting me to say it, but I gave nothing away.

Emmett's eyebrows hit his hairline and I would have laughed if I hadn't been so on edge.

"You don't want to see Edward?" He asked slowly, prolonging his sentence.

"No. I have nothing to say to him right now…I…Emmett the way he hurt me? I can't get over that in three days." I watched him swallow thickly before nodding. "Is your dad home?" He nodded again.

"Yeah, he was in the kitchen, I'll take you through…" He paused before opening the door as if he was about to say something more, but he seemed to change his mind, shaking his head and moving silently into the house.

The second I stepped through the doorway I knew he was there. When Emmett said he was asleep I thought he'd have been up in his room, but my I had to stop my eyes from wandering to my left because I was _sure_, he was on the sofa. I don't know how I knew, but I ignored my instinct to look at him, to go to him, to comfort him, and followed Emmett silently through the open plan house to the kitchen at the back.

Carlisle was surprised to see me, his eyes glancing nervously over my shoulder to where Edward was sleeping. "Bella? What can I do for you?" He asked quietly, his fatigue and worry evident on his handsome face. Emmett left quietly, telling us he had studying to do and that he'd be in his room if we needed him.

The sombre tones of both of them told me something had taken its toll on them shortly before I arrived, and although I was intrigued as to what it was, I knew it was hardly any of my business.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to see you on Monday. I should have told you what happened myself," I mumbled, suddenly ashamed of my selfish actions. I knew Charlie had spoken to him, but it should have been me, Charlie didn't know what Edward had said before he stormed out of our house that day.

"You don't have to apologise to me, Bella. What happened on Sunday was not your fault, and I truly hope you know that. You couldn't have done anything to prevent it, nor handled it any better. I know how proud Charlie is of you, and I want to thank you first for what you've done over the last few months." He held up his hand when I tried to interrupt.

"I know how hard this has been on you. I saw how hard you were fighting for him, and how much pain you were in every single day trying to keep everything from him. I knew, Bella, and I didn't do anything to help you. I know I gave you the choice to tell him everything, but I'm also afraid that I talked you out of it that day too, scaring you into lying to my son. It seemed right at the time, doing everything in my power to protect my son, but I should never have sacrificed your happiness in the process, and for that I am truly sorry."

A bubble of emotion was working it's way up my throat as I took in Carlisle's words, awed by the humbleness of such an amazing man. He thought he'd done wrong, but really, out of all of us I was sure he'd done them most right, sticking by his son and doing everything he could to keep his family together.

I gave him a moment to compose himself, noting the sheer silence in the entire house, only the sound of my own breathing and the ticking of the clock on the wall reaching my ears. I watched as he poured himself a coffee from the machine in the corner of the kitchen and spoke up when he'd turned back to face me.

"How is he?" I spoke quietly, the betrayal I felt over Edward's words digging deeper when I showed my hand. No matter how he'd treated me, I still cared, still loved.

"He was found to have dangerously high levels of alcohol in his system, but he should be okay. He collapsed, we think, due to stress and lack of a proper meal. He was only kept in overnight for observation." I nodded along as he spoke, knowing all of it already.

"He's withdrawn. He's barely spoken since we left the hospital. He's hurt, he feels betrayed by everyone, and despite not saying it, I know he was very reluctant to come back here. But this is his home, and I will do everything to keep him here. Emmett tried to get him to talk when he got home, but he spent the first few hours staring into space.

"He…about an hour ago Alice sat beside him, barely even touched him, didn't say a thing, but he completely freaked out. He was screaming, but it wasn't about anything that made sense. It seems for some reason he's okay with me and Emmett, but a female presence completely unhinges him and I have to be truthful and say that worries me a lot."

"He's been hurt most by women. First Esme…then Renee, then me…" I felt sick as I grabbed onto the kitchen island for support.

"That actually makes sense…thank you, that could help…" I nearly snorted, he was thanking me for pointing out the obvious, for being part of the reason his son was in the state he was.

"Maybe I shouldn't be here…in case he wakes up…"

"I sedated him; he should be down for a few more hours at least." Carlisle looked old all of a sudden. In the faint light emitting from the ice dispenser on the front of the refrigerator and the clock on both the cooker and microwave, he seemed haggard, despondent. He wasn't the Carlisle I remembered from the photos in New York, always smiling, always with at least one of his kids by his side. So much had changed for him in less than a year.

"Before he left, he uh, I know he was angry, but he said he wished he didn't exist. I think he said he wished Esme had never had him, and he definitely said something about this town being a hell-hole…he…" The strength I'd been trying to convey snapped and I sank into one of the barstools, my head in my hands. The thought of him hating everyone, hating himself that much did nothing but make the fissure in my chest widen and crack.

He was angry, he couldn't have meant it, he was angry.

I didn't realise I was chanting my thoughts until Carlisle stepped up to me quietly.

"He was angry. We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment, Bella, my son is no exception." His words did little to help, because I think we both knew that there was barely any truth to them. He may have been hurt and angry at the time, but the way he was feeling was no heat of the moment transition.

I took a greedy gulp of the cold water he offered me, taking deep, calming breaths to try and numb myself from the pain again.

"I should go," I mumbled not long afterwards, smiling faintly at Carlisle as he bid me goodnight.

Something happened when I left the kitchen, it was like it was out of my power and I couldn't help but look across to where I knew Edward was. My heart clenched painfully as I took in his balled up form under a thick blanket on the sofa. His sock clad feet were sticking out of one end and I had to fight the instinct I had to go over and cover him up so he wouldn't get cold.

I stopped in my tracks, looking him over sadly, until my eyes got to his head and I froze in place. He was awake; he was looking straight at me. I was about to move when I realised he was looking straight _through_ me, his eyes scarily vacant.

"Edward?" His name fell from my lips without my consent, my heart completely overruling my brain.

He sucked in a breath suddenly, shocking me at the intensity with which he was gasping. His eyes shifted to a spot on the floor as his entire body convulsed on the sofa.

"Edward?" I asked again, panicked.

"Bella? Bella, I can't b-b-r-r-e-eathe," he cried weakly, sounding more desperate than I had ever heard him.

A cold chill travelled up my spine as my feet remained glued to the floor. I stared at him as he heaved and trembled violently, feeling torn between what felt undeniably natural and what my head was prompting me to do.

Help him.

Walk out.

The pull to help him was crippling, pulling me to him because simply, he needed me, but the anger and betrayal I felt was holding me back at knifepoint, threatening to slice me open if I dared help him. For the first time concerning Edward, I didn't know what to do.

It seemed, at that very moment, I learned there was a fine line between love and hate, and despite what my head was screaming, love was stronger.

The overwhelming love I felt for the broken boy in front of me overtook the anger that had been eating away at me insides and the pride that was reminding me what he had done to me.

I ignored it all.

"Bel-la, pl-le-ea-ase. I-I ca-an't…" The words were slipping shaklily off his tongue, before he hunched in on himself, curling up into an even tighter ball.

_That can't be helping, _my brain informed me, pulling me out of the haze that had formed around me. Without further hesitation, my resolve to leave him to suffer melted away.

I rushed towards his quivering form and sank onto my knees in front of him, one hand going to his head, the other taking hold of his trembling hand that had escaped the confines of the blanket.

"Edward, you need to calm down, try and breathe." I tried to keep the panic out of my voice as to not scare him, but I was starting to tremble myself. With my hold on his hand, and my other resting on the back of his neck it wasn't hard to tell how cold he was becoming. His skin was getting clammy as beads of cold sweat formed under his hairline and I knew exactly what was wrong with him.

He was having a panic attack. I knew, because I'd had numerous myself.

I pivoted where I was crouched on my heels and flicked the switch on the huge fireplace behind us, feeling the heat beginning to radiate from it almost immediately. I managed to get him to sit up, his eyes losing focus once more, and wrapped the blanket more tightly around his shoulders. Leaving him for a moment I grabbed another one of the same colour from the back of a dining room chair where it had obviously been left if he should need it.

I wondered why Carlisle hadn't come out of kitchen, until I heard his engine start up from the garage and his car peel away from the house. Emmett and Alice where both upstairs but I didn't want to leave him to find them, or startle him by shouting on them.

Back at his side, I made the split decision to encourage him to lie down before scooting down and lying alongside him on the deep sofa, noting that there was still plenty of space despite the two of us laying side-by-side. I wrapped us both in the second blanket, ignoring the way my heart clenched painfully when Edward immediately curled into my side. He laid his head on my collarbone, curled his legs around mine and clutched my hooded top in his tightly clenched fist.

He continued to tremble, and I didn't know what to do other than rub his back gently, and slide my hands through his dampened hair, trying to be as soothing as I knew how. It helped more than I cared to admit when he did it for me, so then surely, it was the same for him?

He smelled like soap and shampoo and his usual heady scent, a heavenly combination that only reminded of what I had been missing for the last four nights.

Every so often I asked him if he was okay, or still cold, and I barely discerned a mumble in response each time. I began to wonder if he even knew I was there, beside him, holding him, or if he was so far gone that he didn't even realise. I found it difficult to believe that he would let me hold him like that with how angry he'd been with me.

I plucked up the courage to ask him if he wanted me to go and if he'd be okay on his own when his trembling finally ceased, but he only mumbled, "Please don't leave me," with a shake of his head.

My heart broke and my anger flared; a combination that left me dizzy despite being horizontal.

I wanted more than anything to ask him some of the questions that were floating around my head, but I knew he was incapable of answering in his state. And while my fingers raked gently through his hair and stroking his face and neck tenderly out of sheer necessity to keep him calm, I couldn't shake the anger that I had tried desperately to set aside.

No matter how hard I tried, it was still there, festering inside me, lashing out at me for even helping him, for giving this part of me to him again after the way he had treated me, the way he had taken away my trust and reliance on him.

As angry as I was, I still soaked up the feeling of him moulded so intimately into my side, his legs and feet entangled with mine, his fingers gently tracing small patterns on my hip bone at the top of my jeans where my top had ridden up. I should have stopped him, but I didn't want to, because not only did I love the way it felt, I also knew it was going to end eventually, and no matter how much I craved it, it wasn't going to happen again.

I knew I should treasure the moment, despite the separation we had been through and the way we had both hurt each other before it. It was a tarnished moment, but it was a moment nonetheless. It was only when I felt warm tears soaking through my top that I allowed myself to look down at him. He was pale and drawn; his eyes closed tightly and tears slipping through. It was in my nature to comfort him when he was sad, I had done it so many times before, that I couldn't deny my instinct to do it again, one last time.

I slid down slightly so that we were face-to-face, our breath mixing, his dull eyes trying to focus on mine. I let my fingers trace the pattern we both knew so well, even when he'd forgotten everything else, he remembered the path his always took – over his eyebrows, around his eyes, down the bridge of his nose and across his cool lips and his stubbled chin.

I tried to remember all the moments we'd had, the loving moments we'd had in the last five months, the times he'd bared himself to me, terrified of what might happen but needing to do it anyway. I tried to remember all the things we'd whispered to one another in darkened spaces, and not the hateful words we'd spat at each other that had ruined us both.

With his eyes still squeezed shut, he whispered, "I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so sorry," and I just nodded, pressing my forehead against his still slightly clammy one. What could I say, really, that wouldn't make things worse? Make _him_ worse.

I brushed my lips softly against his, barely touching, more intimate than I could remember us being. There was something different in the way we breathed together, his whispered apologies and the brushing of our lips that made it more sensual. But as I pressed my lips to his again, slightly salty from his tears, it was entirely different from that again for me.

This time, it was me saying good-bye in the only way I knew how.

It was more clear to me in that moment than any other, that we were no good for one another when we were together. We both had too many issues, too many secrets and vulnerabilities, that when we were together we ignored it all and let it fester too long. The only way for either of us to get better, to face our demons and strengthen our own beliefs, was if we did it separately.

I watched as his tears slowed and dried away, his eyelids fluttered shut and sleep eventually overtook him. I couldn't figure out how he'd managed to wake when Carlisle was sure he'd be sedated for much longer, but I felt thankful that we got the stolen moments we needed, the moments of clarity I needed to be able to do the right thing.

I snuggled closer into him, weaving my fingers with his, intertwining us for the last time.

I waited until I was absolutely sure he was deep in sleep before I uncurled myself from his warmth and tucked the blankets back around him. He stirred slightly, and with my breath held, I waited for him to settle again.

Something told me that if he woke again, he wouldn't be as receptive to my presence as he had been. I gathered the car keys I'd left on the table and stood watching him sleep from a relatively safe distance. I wasn't sure what to do, should I leave a note? Wait for Carlisle to come back? Find Emmett and tell him what had happened?

No, I couldn't tell his brother, it was too private, too raw for both of us for me to go and tell someone else.

My fingers traced the cool metal of the Tiffany charm necklace Edward had bought me in New York last summer, and a lump formed in my throat as I made my decision. I unclasped it gently, fastening it again once it was off, and let my eyes linger on the silver and delicate diamonds than glittered in the light.

With my resolve set, I padded quietly back over the coffee table in front of the fireplace and set the necklace down beside Edward's dead-looking phone. Somewhere I knew he'd see it, and something I knew he'd finally understand. I wondered if he'd remember the night he gave it to me, the words he'd said, the meaning behind it at the time when he saw it again.

I know he'd noticed it during our date but I had no idea if it he'd been able to see the messaged carved on it, or whether he'd just been bothered by the fact that I had a piece of jewellery clearly given to me by someone on for our date.

Now, he'd know it was him who'd given me it. Him who'd been afraid I'd forget him, and had wanted to solidify his feelings for me before he'd even told me just how he felt. I wanted him to remember all of it so badly, that I wasn't sure I'd ever be truly satisfied, because what if he didn't? I desired it so much that I knew it couldn't be a healthy expectation to place on him.

It was just yet another thing I had to work on in our time apart.

As I walked out the door towards my truck I truly had no idea how long that separation would be. As I met Emmett's eye as he looked out of his bedroom window at me leaving, I wondered if any of our lives would intertwine the way they should have, or if any of our lives would correspond the same way again.

We were separate people now, and I wasn't sure I knew how to be me without Edward.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Soooooo...what do we think? As always let me know, please :)**

**You can follow my blog - liveindakota . blogspot . com for all the latest news and goss, and me on twitter at SarahhhhhhJane :)**

**I have a new fic coming! I'm super excited about it! But don't worry, it won't take priority over this until FMN is finished :) Follow me as an author if you want to know when it goes up and check it out :)**

**Summary: ROYAL DUTY: **_**Life as a princess isn't a fairytale like they would lead you to believe. Sometimes decisions are made you don't like. Sometimes you don't have a choice at all. Barely out of school, it seems Bella's future has already been decided, with a marriage she doesn't want and a nation she doesn't know how to rule, but not everything is at it seems, and Edward Masen is no exception. E/B. Rated M for language and lemons.**_

**Until next time guys! xx**


	46. Go A Little Easier

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey all!**

**I haven't replied to anyone's reviews, so don't think I've left you out, and I apologise for that, but I haven't been too well recently and I just wanted to get this out to you, I will catch up on them! Promise :)**

**Thank you all sooooooo much for the love you're all giving out again with this story, I can't tell you how much it means that you've stuck by me and got back into the swing of things with me :)**

**Before I turn into an absolute sap, onwards! There's some E at the end of this chapter and I hope you enjoy! :D**

**It's return of the amazing fathers in this chapter, and I'd like to say Happy Fathers Day to all the awesome dads out there! Some would be lost without them, and some are lost without them.**

**xx**

* * *

**Chapter 46: Go A Little Easier**

I'm trying to feel what you just said  
And I want to reply but I'm hurting  
I'll just swallow my words and let it go.

Don't argue the point will be wasted  
'Cos every time I begin you just ended  
Everything that I wanted worlds ago.

I'm caught up in something I don't get  
And I don't understand how I got here  
But I'm losing everything I knew  
And it was all for you.  
Could you be a little easier?  
Could you be a little easier on me?

We're stuck in a void I can't stand it  
When you push me so hard I just lost it  
Is this what you wanted worlds ago?  
You're spitting out your words like bullets  
And I guess once again I'm your target.  
Not now I've seen it all before.

I'm caught up in something I don't get  
And I don't understand how I got here  
But I'm losing everything I knew  
And it was all for you.  
Could you be a little easier?  
Could you be a little easier on me?

On me? On me.  
Can't you be a little easier?

I'm caught up in something I don't get  
And I don't understand how I got here  
But I'm losing everything I knew  
And it was all for you.  
So could you be a little easier?  
Could you be a little easier?  
Could you be a little easier?  
Could you be a little easier on me?

_Leddra Chapman – A Little Easier_

* * *

BPOV

Two days passed, and I don't think I even realised they had. I'd gone home that night, not a tear in sight, arriving back to a quiet, darkened house, a note from Charlie on the fridge telling me he had a job in the morning and would be gone early.

I stood in the dark kitchen staring at the light on the microwave for at least half an hour before I had the will power to move. I peeled off my clothes and put myself in the shower before bed, trying to wash away all the problems I was faced with.

Edward was back and he was in a serious mess internally. I wasn't sure who could help him out of it apart from his therapist and a bottle of pills.

I was part of the problem. Not just because I'd lied to him, but because he'd forgotten me. I was the missing piece of his puzzle and I knew that would be hard for him to come to terms with.

We were done. It had been my decision but it still wasn't any easier to face. He was the only person I'd been in love with and he was the only person I had been with. Even if it hadn't been Edward, I knew that I would never forget him or anything we'd been through together, the good or the bad.

I had to move on. He had to move on. I was sure the only way he'd ever get better was if he did it by himself. He had to find who he was and us being together wasn't conducive to that.

I missed him already. I hurt all over, like the heartache I felt was a poison seeping through my veins and embedding itself into my very bones.

After changing into some comfortable clothes, I sent Jasper a text telling him I wouldn't be in school the next day and slipped under my covers. I popped one of my old antidepressants into my mouth, swallowing it dry, and waited for sleep to take me.

I slept for so long that it was dark outside. My stomach was rumbling ferociously, but even the thought of food was enough to make me feel ill, how could I possibly eat with the way I was feeling? I could hear Charlie padding around downstairs and wondered if he'd come up to check on me and how long he'd been home. In the nearly fifteen hours I'd been asleep, Edward hadn't called, nor had he text me, and I was glad.

If he wanted to talk to me at all, I knew it wouldn't be something that could be said over the phone.

I'd only been awake a few minutes when I heard the doorbell. My heart was in my chest for the few minutes it took me to realise it was a female voice that was replying to Charlie's. Minutes later, Rose appeared in my doorway, a tub of ice-cream in one hand and stuffed bear in the other.

"I spoke to Em before he went to school this morning. I came straight from work." The softness of her voice turned my tears on like a faucet, and she quickly lay down beside me and held me as I cried. She listened to the whole story again, even though she'd heard it all from Emmett, stroking my hair to try and calm me down.

It hurt to talk about it, made it more real, telling someone I was officially broken up with Edward was the last crack the fissure in my chest could take, and suddenly it all poured out. All the feeling I'd bottled up when I'd lost a baby I hadn't known existed. They abandonment and betrayal I felt when it seemed like Edward had fallen off the face of the earth, the shock joy and anger I felt when he suddenly reappeared in my life but treated me like a stranger.

The love I felt for him when he took me to the meadow. The happiness I felt when I realised he'd never really forgotten how he felt.

All of it came pouring out of me, and I was sure Rosalie was shocked as to how much there actually was. I'd never told someone all of it. Jasper had witnessed it, but he'd never heard me talk about it.

I came to the realisation that the question wasn't whether he loved me, because I knew he did, it was whether he loved me enough, and I was terrified of the answer, because what if he didn't. What if it didn't eclipse the betrayal and lies? What if it didn't mask the pain and confusion he was in at the moment?

"Em says he hasn't spoken all day. He said he was still asleep when he left for school, but when he came home he was sitting on the sofa in the exact same position staring at the necklace you left. I was over there for dinner, Bella, he looks so broken. I mean, I only glanced him, he turned and left the room when he saw I was there, but I've never seen someone look so…hollow…not even you…I mean, I'm angry at the way he treated you, but still, that whole family is so empty and I don't think I've ever seen something so sad…" She shook her head, continuing to play with my hair. A lump formed in my throat that I had to swallow back down at her description of him. Hearing it from someone else made it seem worse from the way I already knew he looked.

"Here!" She said suddenly. "We need to eat this, it cost a small fortune and I'm not letting it liquefy just cause we're sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves." I actually laughed when she brandished two spoons from the kitchen and it felt good to lighten the load for even those few seconds.

It didn't last. Rose stuck a movie on but I don't think I even remembered what it was, and when she left, I was alone with my thoughts and a bear that looked too sweet to witness such pain.

When I awoke the next day, I decided one more day off school wouldn't hurt. I needed some strong advice from someone who wasn't involved and phoned a number I hadn't used in a very long time. I didn't know where else to turn, so I picked up my phone and dialled my old therapist, thankful that she told me to phone back an hour later for an appointment over the phone.

So I did just that, and I told her everything, much like I had Rose the night before. I'd been referred to her the year before, but despite showing up for a few appointments, I'd never actually spoken to her about anything. All she knew was whatever she'd read in my file, and at the time I'd thought that was plenty.

She gave me a wealth of advice, most of it I didn't particularly want to hear, but knew was true regardless. She told me I'd made the right decision to break things off, although she reminded me it didn't have to be indefinite. It struck a chord inside when she told me Edward needed time to heal, alone. I'd thought the same thing, but hearing a professional tell me, made it seem permanent. She said in her opinion he shouldn't have pursued things with me when he knew there was something unresolved from his forgotten path. She took into account that I was the same person and that maybe he just couldn't fight feelings that had never truly gone away, but that our second-run relationship had made it difficult for both of us to deal with the past and what was happening in our present. I guess I knew all that inside too, but at the time I hadn't wanted to face it. I suppose he did as well, considering how worried he was about remembering his girl from New York when he was telling me he loved me.

After all the times he told me he wasn't good enough for me, but all the times he promised he would never leave me, I had been the one to walk out on him. Because, I realised as she spoke, as hard as this all was for him, it was just as difficult for me. Having Edward back as part of my life, as the most important, overwhelming part of my life, was taking its toll on my mental health and well-being. She pointed out that it had taken twice as long for me to recover from my haemorrhage as it should have done because of the stress I was under, and of course the fact that it happened at all.

I had known for a while what we were hiding from wasn't healthy, that it was taxing on us both, hiding and lying from the things that made us who we were to begin with, but I chose to ignore it all because of how much I needed him, and how much I thought I was helping him cope. God, was I wrong.

He might have believed I was the only thing in his life that made things better, but in the end I was the one thing to tip him straight over the edge.

I knew we would have to face each other eventually, but I was too afraid to say the words in person because I was so afraid I'd back out. One look in his eyes, whether they be lifeless or brimming with anger, and I'd so wish to be his again.

She told me I was afraid to let go, and I was, I really was. I was terrified of trying to live a life without him in it; I'd tried it before and failed miserably. But, she reminded me, I hadn't really tried, I'd given up, and I couldn't do that this time. I needed to be strong, for myself, I had to get better, for myself.

Later that night, as I helped Charlie dry the dishes after he washed them, my phone rang, a picture of Edward flashing brightly on the screen. We both saw it, and Charlie watched as I silenced it with a heavy heart, continuing to dry as if nothing had happened.

"You can't avoid him forever, sweetie," my dad said quietly, making that all he said on the matter. I knew he was right, but I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't bear to hear the pain and anguish in his voice, or worse still, the anger he'd unleashed the night he ran away. I couldn't handle the chance that he might just be upset and confused over what I'd done. I needed time.

I spent the next day at school on edge, terrified I'd come face-to-face with Edward before I was ready. I knew in my head I couldn't miss more school if I wanted to keep my record spotless, so the urge to stay safe in my bed had to be fought.

After his absence at break, I felt nothing but relief, where before I would have felt nothing but disappointment. Deep down inside I still longed to see his face, to ask how he was and hold him tight if he said he wasn't coping. There wasn't a minute that went by that I didn't alternate between thinking about him and wishing he was there, to thankful that he wasn't. Below it all, however, I missed him like crazy and I was sure that would never change.

By the end of the day, I was sure I'd made the wrong decision. I wanted nothing more than to speed back to his house, hoping he hadn't found my necklace and didn't know my motivations for leaving it there.

It should have hurt to think that I'd ended us after everything we'd been through, but instead, the thought of him realising I'd ended it and how he felt about it hurt more, as if I was living the pain through him.

I dumped my backpack inside the door when I arrived home from school, noticing Charlie sitting in his chair, his eyes on me like he'd been waiting. Maybe he had been. I suddenly felt nervous, uncomfortable in his presence.

He knew everything I'd been through; he knew more than ever that I'd lied about some of the most important things in our family dynamic. A flitting thought that he blamed me for Renee's condition sped through my head but I dismissed it, knowing he was incapable of thinking a malicious thought about anyone.

"How was school, Bells?" he asked quietly, his eyes assessing me, as if checking for some sort of outward damage. I nearly scoffed, I was falling to pieces on the inside but no one could see it. I had to shoulder my decisions and the weight of them was nearly crushing me.

"Long, hard." I shrugged in answer, both of us knowing I was downplaying it with even that description.

"You were back late, where were you?" I nearly scoffed in surprise, Charlie had never played the "dad card" like this before, asking me where I'd been and who with.

"I was at E…the Cullens, I told you before I left."

He nodded in response. "I guess I just wasn't expecting you to be so long." His voice is soft again but I knew what he'd meant.

"You mean you didn't expect Edward to even allow me into the house? Carlisle had to sedate him because he was out of control, I don't think he even really realised I was there."

As my words tripped off my tongue I realised the truth in them. Edward had apologised, asked me to stay even, but what if he had so much in his system that he didn't remember? Or he didn't even really know who I was at the time? My heart sank with the realisation that his hatred would be back full force the next time we were in the same room as one another, and I wasn't sure I would be able to deal with it.

"Sedated? Things are that bad then?"

"Carlisle said he was retreated, barely even there, but when Alice sat beside him he completely flipped out and started screaming. Even when he'd calmed down he was still muttering angrily and Carlisle thought it would be best if he helped him get some rest and calm down properly."

Charlie kept nodding, his eyes fixed on the stack of fishing magazines on the coffee table.

"He has a lot to come to terms with. I don't know what's going on in his head, kid, but maybe he isn't really angry at you. If it were me, I'd be angrier with the fact that I couldn't remember you. All the memories you cherish and are clear to anyone that even looks at you, he can't recall, like it wasn't even really him that was present for them. As for the baby, none of us can imagine what it would be like to be told you missed the miscarriage of the baby you didn't know existed, and that the girlfriend you can't remember suffered alone because you weren't there."

Tears pricked in my eyes and a lump formed in my throat. He was right, of course he was right, and it was hard to imagine how Edward could possibly even begin to come to terms with any of it.

"I'm so sorry, Dad," I whispered, knowing it wasn't enough for everything I'd put him through. "I should have told you, but I didn't know how."

"I know, Bells." He moved from the chair to the spot on the sofa beside me. "I knew, you were a minor, you couldn't be operated on without parental permission, and it's illegal for medical information to be kept from a minors parents or guardians. The second you went into that hospital I knew exactly what was going on."

My eyes widened, and my face flamed at how foolish I'd been. Of course he'd have to know, why didn't I realise that because of my age one of my parents had to be informed? If not both.

"Then…how come Mom didn't know?" I asked, confused.

"I…that was my decision, and one I regret, but I kept it from her. I could see what your silence was doing to her, she was changing in front of my eyes at the same time you were. I didn't think she'd ever do what she did to you and Edward, but I didn't think telling her would be good for your relationship. I thought we could all get passed it." Charlie shook his head and I scooted along until we were side by side and wrapped my hands around his arm, resting my head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry we got to this. I'm sorry she's gone and that you're alone, and I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"Shh, baby girl. I'm not alone; I have an intelligent, beautiful daughter with the world at her feet, who is far from being a mess. You'll get through this, simply because you've gotten through everything else. And that boy will come to his senses in time, he can't live without you, and trying to will show him exactly that."

A small smile played at my lips as I changed positions and let him hug me close to him.

Oh, how I hoped that was true.

EPOV

Everything hurt, like seriously, _everything._

My head was heavy, with an ache right up the centre of my skull, my legs were cramped from being in the same position, and my eyes had me wanting to scream in pain when I opened them. Not to mention my chest, fuck, everything in my chest hurt.

Someone had just shut the door. That was what had woken me up. I glanced at the clock, screwing my eyes up to try and read it. I couldn't really make sense of what I was reading and wondered why the hell my brain couldn't just tell me what time it was.

_What the fuck had Carlisle given me?_

I remembered him talking to me in that doctor-y tone of his, his hand on my shoulder as he told me to breathe. I remembered him sticking a needle in my arm and the fuzziness that crept over me as he laid me down. I remembered the anger I felt at him fucking putting me out like a light, but then I remembered the warmth and calm that spread through my whole body and that maybe I shouldn't have felt so angry towards him, he was only trying to help.

The sound of Emmett's Jeep starting up from the garage told me that maybe they had headed to school and that's what had woken me.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised I had been perfectly content sleeping away my demons. It had been peaceful, uninterrupted.

_No,_ I thought suddenly. It had been interrupted. I had woken for apparently no reason and Bella had been right there. I thought it was a dream, that I'd projected her face to where I wanted to see it most in the world. She was watching me quietly a few yards from where I was lying. She looked like shit, but she was still the most beautiful girl in the world.

My thoughts jarred me back into reality. She was the only girl I'd ever thought that about. There was no other girl, no mystery girlfriend from my time in New York. The relief I felt was palpable and I sank back onto the sofa slowly.

I tried to remember the night before, why had she been there? Everything between seeing her, and having her lying tucked in beside me was fuzzy, and I realised I'd had a panic attack, the same blankness in my details alerting me to that.

She'd stayed. Had I asked her to stay? I couldn't remember. I just remember the calmness that washed over me when she lay down beside me and wrapped the blanket around both of us. I realised with a start that I hadn't dreamed it at all because the blanket and my t-shirt both smelled like her. Inhaling deeply I tried to recall the rest of the details, but their fuzziness just fucking frustrated me more.

It took what felt like hours for me to gather the strength to move. Panic attacks had done that to me before; been so severe that they left me recovering from the toll they'd taken on my body for days. It seemed this one could have been a lot worse.

I swung my legs until my feet were planted on the floor, the room spinning around me as I sat up. I groaned, my head landing in my heads as nausea washed over me, my stomach churning. I was starving. I tried to remember the last time ate but couldn't. Some shitty excuse for soup in the hospital hadn't been enough to settle my stomach from the alcohol binge I'd embarked on.

Thinking about the numbness I'd been seeking led my thoughts in a direction I still wasn't ready for. I didn't want to think about why I'd been chasing my darkness away with alcohol in the first place.

"Edward?" Carlisle's voice floated through to my subconscious and I felt like I had to claw my way back into reality, away from the denial and into the darkness I knew wouldn't just disappear like I wanted it to.

I grunted a sort of response, not able to move my head an inch even in acknowledgement. I felt him sat on the coffee table in front of me and his cool fingers find my pulse point at my wrist.

"What the hell did you do to me?" My voice was croaky and raspy and I was surprised he even managed to understand what I'd said. He chuckled quietly, sadly.

"Do you remember what happened?" He asked next.

I shook my head, but I didn't try to either. If he'd had to shoot drugs into my arm it clearly wasn't pretty.

"Why was Bella here?" I rasped, deliberately changing the subject.

"She came to talk to me."

I flinched, I couldn't help it, nor could I stop it in time. She hadn't come to see me, or talk to me, but him.

_Can you fucking blame her? You might be avoiding everything, but the shit you said was fucking out of line. _

I'd be surprised if she ever spoke to me again. I needed her to speak to me again. I needed her to know how sorry I was, that I didn't mean it, that I'd never do it again.

I needed her. There was no way I could get through everything I'd filed away for a later date without her by my side, but something in my head, nagging at the back, told me I'd lost her because of my actions. I wasn't the only one who had gone through a lot, and my behaviour seemed to me like it would be the last straw for her.

She deserved better than me.

"She was worried about you, Edward, but she knew you wouldn't want to see her, so she asked me how you were coping and what you'd remembered."

I raised my head slowly, my eyes connecting with his blue ones.

"I'm sorry I ran. I freaked out, I was fucking angry at everything. I'm _still _angry at everything, but you deserved to know where I was, I should have come home."

The shame I felt apologising nearly overwhelmed me, but I knew it needed to be done, that my actions were inexcusable and that I was putting my family through more than they could cope with.

"We always knew this was going to be hard for you, Edward, for everyone involved. I apologised to Bella last night for the position I put her in. I know you are angry at her, but I hope you'll take into account the fact that I asked her to, maybe not directly, but once she found out about the doctors diagnosis about your brain damage, I'm certain I scared her into keeping everything from you. She only ever thought about you, only ever did something if it was right for you.

"I know it won't make anything better, but if you blame me instead I understand. She did everything in her power to keep you safe and happy, including putting her own pain aside."

My lip was trembling as I tried with all my might not to fucking cry, but the pain was just too overwhelming.

"I can't do this," I choked out, sobs wracking through my body as I hunched in on myself.

She had been suffering in silence for so long because of me. At that moment I recalled the look on her face when she saw me standing in the Principal's office. The look of confusion when he asked her to tutor me, the sheer volume of pain etched into her eyes when I spat angry words at her in the corridor.

That all seemed like a lifetime ago, but it didn't change the fact that I had landed back in her life when she was least expecting me to and treated her like dirt. After everything she'd been through I'd glared at her, confused her, belittled her, _fell in love with her._

I couldn't fathom how she'd been the girl in New York. I loved her so much that I couldn't understand how I hadn't known straight away when I saw her biting her bottom lip on my first day at school. How I hadn't pieced it all together when I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and stop her from hurting.

I'd fallen in love all over again, and it was that, _that _aspect of my life that angered me the most.

Carlisle was telling me to breathe again and I realised I was hanging on the edge of yet another panic attack. My breathing hurt like hell every time I tried to drag in more oxygen but I battled through it, through the pounding in my head and my lack of hearing until the living room materialised in front of me once more.

"I called Kate this morning, Edward. She's coming to Forks for a couple of weeks, I want you to talk to her, really talk to her. She's the only one you can trust to not be involved in any of this, and you need help dealing with everything."

I barely acknowledged him, feeling ashamed that my shrink was having to fly from Chicago because I had turned into such a basket case. I briefly wondered how much Carlisle was paying her to come all this way just to talk me down from the ledge they all thought I was balancing on.

Maybe I was, I didn't know. I didn't even know if I cared.

As I let my head fall back into my hands, my eyes caught something glistening beside Carlisle's leg on the table. Puzzled, I reached for it, pulling a fine silver chain out from under him. He shifted slightly, his attention on the object I now held.

My heart felt like it was increasing in size, the blood rushing quicker in my ears as my hand started to tremble. I'd seen this necklace before, Bella had been wearing it the night of our first date in Port Angeles. I thought maybe she'd lost it here the night before and someone had picked it up, but somewhere in my head I knew that wasn't the case.

I inspected it closer, confirming what I'd thought that first night. It was incredibly expensive. As we'd sat at that table my head had quickly calculated that her parents would never have bought her such an extravagant gift, which meant it had come from someone else important to her. At the time I'd been confused as to why she'd wear a present from an ex for our first date, but as I flipped the delicate diamond shaped charm over in my hand, the carving leapt out at me.

_N.Y_

_Forever_

New York. She'd worn it because it was from me. It was important to her because I'd given her it.

I closed my fist around it tightly, feeling the charm cutting into my skin.

She'd left it behind. Something she had cherished and she'd taken it off and left it behind.

The symbolism of her leaving it lying in a pile beside me as she walked out was crippling. The clarity of what had happened the night before hit me like a freight train. Her lips, soft and trembling against mine, her fingers slipping gently through my hair, her soothing words.

She had been saying goodbye.

Carlisle, having no doubt seen I wasn't going to lapse into another panic attack, clapped me gently on the shoulder and left me in peace, clearly knowing what had transpired the night before. Had he known before me that Bella had left me?

As I let the cold chain slide through my fingers, I couldn't help but dwell on the fact that she'd left me when I clearly needed her the most, in my darkest hour of need, rather than focusing on the bigger picture of _why_ she had done it.

Without dwelling on anger over her actions, I felt anger at something else welling inside me. I'd had to guess that I'd given her the necklace, I couldn't remember doing it. I had no idea what I'd been thinking at the time when I'd gone out and asked for it to be specially made. I didn't remember coming out of Tiffany's carrying the bag and figuring out what to say to her when I gave her it. I didn't know what I had decided on, how I'd done it, how I'd felt, how she'd reacted, what she'd said, how she looked wearing it.

I had fucking nothing to go on, and before I even realised what I'd done, I hurled it to my left, and regretted it almost instantly. I heard it make contact with the tiled floor and felt like my heart shattered at the same time as it did. I heard the chain slide, the charm hit the wall and the other little pieces scatter across the floor.

I was staring at the diamond charm, lying on it's own when I noticed Carlisle from the corner of my eye. He stopped dead in his tracks, taking in the scene in front of him before he walked across and picked all of the pieces up.

He headed towards me, holding it out, but when I opened my hand only the diamond charm dropped into my palm.

And it was a diamond, a real diamond.

_My father's money_. I'd known about it at that point and I'd used it to buy Bella a gift – not that I remembered, it was all just guesswork.

I nearly nodded at the other Edward's decision. If I was going to touch it, it would be to make Bella feel like the most special girl in the world.

"It won't break, Edward."

I stared at Carlisle's retreating form, his words playing over and over in my head. It won't break. He wasn't just talking about the diamond was he?

_Forever._

The word glinted up at me, and tears began tracing their way down my face as I stared at it. I didn't remember any of it, and for the first time since Sunday night, I wanted to.

I needed all of that time with Bella back because I needed to know what to do to win _her_ back.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Sooo? What do we think?**

**A little more optimistic for that HEA I always promised you yet?**

**Also, I've added a new bit to my blog where you can subscribe to e-mail alerts! Do it if you want the teasers, cause it's come to my attention I'm posting them and no one is noticing! Haha, otherwise you can follow me on the twittah :) at SarahhhhhhJane **

**And as a last minute note, some of you are waiting for the new fic. It's definitely coming! I'm just waiting on it being validated over on Twi'd and then I'll be posting here. You don't need to jump ship, I WILL be posting it here :D News on it is also on my blog :)**

**Peace guys xx**


	47. Alone

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Sorry it's a couple of days late folks, had a few things with my flat and future house that I needed to sort out this week :)**

**I know authors say this all the time and it sort of becomes standard, but I'd like to genuinely say that the response to this story - that continues to grow - blows me away every week. The last chapter you guys showed your support in numbers and a few of you went out of your way to show your support and encouragement. It means a lot to any writer to know their words are appreciated, even if it is only fanfiction. Hugs to you all for the love you continue to show little ole me.**

**Anyways, onwards! This is an EPOV! WOO :D Rough times ahead, I've been told to issue a tissue warning with this one & to remind you of your unwavering faith in me thus far...I will get us all through this :D**

**xx**

* * *

**Chapter 47: Alone**

I'm at a payphone trying to call home,  
All of my change I spent on you  
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong  
Where are the plans we made for two?

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,  
The people we used to be...  
It's even harder to picture, that you're not here next to me.

You say it's too late to make it,  
But is it too late to try?  
And in our time that you wasted, all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights, you turned out the lights  
Now I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time,  
When we called it love, but even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home  
All of my change I spent on you  
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong  
Where are the plans we made for two?

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,  
I would still be holding you like this  
All those fairy tales are full of shit  
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.

Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow  
'Cause you forgot yesterday.  
I gave you my love to borrow,  
But you just gave it away.

You can't expect me to be fine, I don't expect you to care  
I know I've said it before, but all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights, you turned out the lights  
Now I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time,  
When we called it love, but even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home  
All of my change I spent on you  
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong  
Where are the plans we made for two?

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,  
I would still be holding you like this  
All those fairy tales are full of shit  
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.  
Now I'm at a payphone

I'm at a payphone trying to call home  
All of my change I spent on you  
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong  
Where are the plans we made for two?

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,  
I would still be holding you like this  
All these fairy tales are full of shit  
One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.  
Now I'm at a payphone...

_Maroon 5 – Payhphone_

* * *

EPOV

I was sure in my head, somewhere, I knew why Bella was avoiding my calls, but I guessed I just didn't want to face it. I needed her to forgive me, or at least to see me so I could apologize the way she deserved. What she did after that was her decision, but I knew for certain when a whole day passed of her avoiding me that I would fight whatever that decision was.

I was confined to my bed, told I had to rest completely to give my body a chance to recover. As I lay there, my stomach was in knots, gnawing away at my insides, telling me I didn't stand a chance with Bella after what had happened. After the way I had treated her. My phone was never far from my reach, and I waited anxiously for it to ring. Fuck if it did. I would even sometimes check to see if I'd accidentally turned it off, or if it was on silent, but I knew better, deep down I knew she didn't want to see me.

We were over, but I couldn't come to terms with it.

I kept my sketchbook beside me, tracing my fingers over the countless drawings I had done for her since we'd met. I couldn't stop myself from wondering if I'd ever drawn her before. Surely I must have. Where was everything from my time in New York? There had to be receipts or ticket stubs I'd kept, mementos from our dates, if we even ever had any.

I tried to remember the way she felt beneath my hands that weekend in the tent, the way her skin tasted when I kissed her, the noises she made when I held her the right way, the scent of her hair when I buried my face in her neck. It only frustrated me further when I couldn't remember the way her laugh sounded when I said something funny, it was completely obliterated by the sound of her screaming at me that day in her house. It played on repeat in my head and no matter what I did, I couldn't get it out.

She'd stayed Wednesday night with me, but then she'd left first thing in the morning. Did she just need time to herself to understand how she was feeling? She'd taken care of me; she loved me. I could feel it in her touch. I found myself panicking; maybe I'd imagined it, willed it to be true. What if she no longer loved me?

I could see the betrayal and hurt that shone in her eyes that day as clear as the room in front of me. What if she hated me? Could she feel that and still love me at the same time? I thought I'd hated her, but I hadn't, at all. I could never hate her I realized, but what if she hadn't had the same epiphany? Could she still love me, trust me after what I had done to her?

Those were the thoughts that rolled around in my brain, over and over and over again...never letting me rest, never allowing me a moments peace. Though I supposed I deserved the torture.

More than anything, I remembered the night I took her to the meadow. The anguish in her voice when I asked her to tell me the truth and she was terrified of ruining everything. I remember asking her if we'd met before and the way her whole face crumbled as she tried to keep the pain bottled inside but answer me anyway.

She had been in so much pain for so long and she was right. I guess I had known, somewhere deep inside, and it was my fault. How many times had I asked her to keep it quiet? I remembered the meadow and the day we'd sat on her sofa. The time I told her I wasn't ready for her to tell me, and the way she was trying to cover up the hurt that was threatening to destroy her.

I had put her through all of that. It was my fault she'd suffered so much, my fault she was still suffering, and the pain in my chest at the realization was worse than any up until that point. No matter what I now knew that I didn't previously, being the source of Bella's pain hurt more than anything.

I think I sort of knew as I had dinner in my room that night that getting her back might never happen.

Doctor Kate arrived on our doorstep on Friday night. I was still in my room when I heard the doorbell go and I won't pretend my heart didn't pick up in pace thinking it might have been Bella. The crushing disappointment left me gasping for air as I heard my doctor's voice from the foyer. It would be a long time before Bella came knocking on my door again.

I gripped the charm off her necklace tightly in my hand as I made a decision. Picking up my phone, I highlighted her name for the fucking millionth time, but instead of calling her, I brought up my message screen and typed out the only words I thought could help.

_I miss you._

_I love you._

_I'm sorry._

Three separate texts, and I sent them all one after the other before I changed my mind. Then, instead of going down to greet the one person that was supposed to help me out of my darkness, I rolled over in bed, shut off the light and let it take me again.

I spent two days like that until Carlisle said it was enough. He was trying the tough love thing, and instead of telling him to fuck off like I wanted to, I obeyed his decisions and decided to not put him through any more of my fucked up crap.

I descended the stairs slowly, the light hurting my eyes, the movement pulling viciously at my muscles as if I hadn't moved in months. I felt fucking pathetic when I had to stop at the bottom of the stairs to give myself a break from the pain and catch my breath. What the fuck had I done to myself?

As if hearing my thoughts, I caught Dr. Kate's eye from where she sat quietly on the sofa, watching me carefully.

"You've had quite a week, Edward. There's no shame in taking it slow." She smiled kindly, but all I could do was roll my eyes, not appreciating the doctor speech so early in the fucking morning.

The house was quiet and it didn't take a genius to figure out Emmett and Alive were at school and Carlisle had finally gone back to work. I didn't even fucking know what day it was or how long it had been since my life had fallen apart. Nor could I even really remember what had happened in the time between then and waking up that morning.

Fear prickled up my spine as I tried harder and harder to make my brain tell me something, anything to reassure me that it hadn't fucking happened again.

"Edward? What's wrong?" Kate asked gently, rising from the sofa and coming to stand near me.

"I can't…can't remember…"

"Yes, you can, it's just the medication combined with your hangover. Come, sit down," she told me, guiding my arm until I was on the sofa opposite where she'd been sitting. It wasn't until I was sitting that I realized there was a shit load of food already waiting on the coffee table. I wasn't even going to get breakfast in peace before she started all her shrink bullshit.

"What day is it?" I asked her first.

"It's Friday afternoon. You're dad brought you home from Seattle on Wednesday. You've been sleeping off everything in your system since," she answered mater-of-fact.

"I was in the hospital…in Seattle…I'd gone to the bank…"I reeled off, relief evident in my tone.

"What were you doing at the bank?"

I rolled my eyes; she certainly didn't waste any fucking time. I leaned forward and picked up a pop tart from the plate nearest me, wondering if I'd be able to keep its sugary goodness in my stomach.

"I was going to New York, I needed money to get there," I answered her, staring at the wall above her shoulder.

"What do you need to go to New York for?" I looked straight at her, annoyed. She knew exactly what I'd been going to New York for she just wanted me to fucking say it.

"Does it matter? I'm not there, I got dragged home."

She sighed quietly from her spot on the chair as if she was disappointed in me or some shit, but I focused on the glass of orange juice in my hand instead.

I had been dragged home, but if I hadn't been I never would have had Bella wrapped in my arms for a night. I'd never have experienced her sweet lips so soon, or hear her soft voice as she looked after me. I couldn't resent Carlisle for bringing me back to the best thing I'd ever run from.

"Did your dad tell you he'd called me?" she asked. I nodded, gulping down the sugar from my glass.

"I was going to stay in a B&B in town, but he offered one of your spare bedrooms. Is that okay? I'll be here any time you need to talk, or shout, or whatever you feel like doing."

I looked at her for the first time, noting the concern in her gaze, hiding behind the smile on her face. She was sort of pretty, and I'd never noticed that before. She wasn't old either, probably just a few years younger than Carlisle, and I wondered just how close they were.

"Can I ask you something?"

She nodded, happy that I was participating at all.

"Can you help me remember? I mean I know what happened now, sort of, but I still don't remember, so surely just telling me everything else won't do any harm? I need to know…I can't…"

"Can't what?"

"I can't go back for Bella until I know everything, until I've come to terms with everything. She needs me to be the way I used to be, back in New York."

"How is Bella?"

"I broke her. I screamed at her and blamed her and then walked out on her, fuck I even made out with another girl. I've lost her for good."

Tears fell from my eyes before I had time to stop them and I mopped at my cheeks with the back of my sleeve, ashamed to be caught weeping like a fucking chick.

"You say you need to come to terms with everything, but you've done everything in your power to fight it so far, Edward. I don't think you even believe in what you're saying, and until you do, there's very little I, or anyone really, can do for you."

"I was angry. I couldn't control anything and I was scared, facing it alone seemed impossible."

"But you know you're not alone, don't you?"

"I guess," I answered, shrugging. "So can you?" I changed the subject back.

Kate sighed. "No, I don't think I'm the right person to tell you. However, if you talk things through with your family, with Bella, and then want to talk about it with me, I'd be more than happy to help you through everything. It won't be easy, or quick, I hope you know that."

The way she was looking at me made me squirm and my heart to pound in my chest. Anxiety was clawing its way up my throat and no matter how many times I swallowed around the lump, it wouldn't disperse.

"I would advise you not to rush this, Edward. I know you want to get better and move on, but I can see how much this is affecting you. It's destroying you from the inside."

I blinked, not expecting her to be so fucking blunt.

"I'd like to prescribe you some mild anti-depressants, how would you feel about taking them?"

"What will they do? I don't want to turn into some nutcase," I answered, terrified that they were just going to fill me with drugs and leave me to rot.

"I'm not going to write you off, Edward, you need to start trusting in the people around you again. I know they've all let you down, but you need to try and rebuild those bridges.

"The drugs I'm thinking of will simply try to help balance how you feel. They won't make you numb, nor will they make you magically better. They'll just help you control all the different emotions that you're feeling right now, hopefully to help you work through them in your own time and order."

"I…I guess?"

"This is all on your terms, if you're not comfortable with it, just tell me and we will try to work through it without help."

"Will I have to be on them forever?"

"No. It will be a very, very mild dose and you should be perfectly capable of weaning yourself off them when the time comes. It all depends on how we get on, it could be months, or it could be years, it all depends on when you want to stop taking them."

Everything she was saying was making perfect sense, but something was bothering me. I didn't want to be dependent on drugs; I didn't want anything in my system that was going to take the reality of how I was away. I needed to be able to depend on myself, not what they were telling me I was like.

"I don't want them."

Kate looked surprised, but she nodded her head and clasped her hands on the knee she had crossed over the other.

"Okay. If things get too difficult for you, though, you can change your mind." I nodded again, understanding that she was just trying to help.

"Can _I_ ask _you _something?"

"Sure." I shrugged and grabbed a handful of dry Fruit Loops, crunching my way through them noisily; I was fucking starving after having not eaten for days on end.

"Carlisle was very worried about your tox report when he got to the hospital on Wednesday. What happened in Seattle?"

"I drank. And then I drank some more. I don't really remember, I think I passed out at one point, and I remember being at a bar with some chick, but not much more."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No!" I shouted, sick at the thought.

"But you said you made out with her, was that all? You didn't do drugs together?"

"For fuck's sake, no! I got pissed and liked the attention. It was a mistake. I fucking left her outside the bar and went back to the hotel."

"Have you told Bella?"

I laughed bitterly. "She wants nothing to do with me."

"Carlisle said she was here the night you got back."

"Yeah, to see him. She came all the way here and didn't even want to see me. I had a panic attack when I woke up; she helped me through it and left again when I was asleep."

"Did you talk about anything while she was here?"

I wracked my brains, wondering just what we had said to one another. "I think I apologized…and she kissed me…fuck, she was saying goodbye…"

Tears fell again and I screamed in frustration, hating being so fucking weak and in so much fucking pain.

"It hurts. Everything hurts so fucking much."

"I know, Edward, but you need to feel it, you need to let it out."

That was so much fucking easier said than done.

That first weekend fucking dragged by. Each day was the same. I spent my time ignoring the worried glances everyone sent my way when they thought I wasn't looking. I noted the way Emmett and Alice deliberately didn't mention Bella's name anytime they talked about the rest of the group. I even realized Alice was staying clear of me and I couldn't figure out why.

Carlisle kept an eye on my blood results, checking for any long lasting effects from my panic attack and two day drinking session. He also kept a close eye on what I ate, how much I drank, what I spent my time doing and forbid me from spending too much time in my room.

I felt like I'd been fucking grounded or something, only worse.

I spent my days in Carlisle's study. I had been sitting in there on Friday night when he came home from work, reading a book from one of his shelves.

He'd looked at me in his chair, left the room, and then returned with a brown envelope I knew all too well. I briefly wondered how he always managed to get it back in his possession when the previous times I'd always had it with me.

He placed it on the desk in front of me, directly between the two of us and then sat in the leather arm chair facing me.

"How are you feeling?" he asked me, his eyes flitting over my tired eyes and drawn face. I shrugged in response, flipping the book shut and giving him my attention. He seemed relieved I wasn't ignoring him.

"Kate tells me you refused the pills she offered you…" he started cautiously. "I want you to know they won't change you in anyway, they're just there to help…"

"I want to do it on my own. I need to do this on my own…I can't…I need to know I'm strong enough to do it by myself." I answered, my eyes focused on the carpet beside Carlisle's foot.

"Okay, son, but you know you're not on your own. Don't you?"

I looked at him properly, taking in his tired appearance, his greying hair, the wrinkles and stress written all over his face. I used to think he would always look young, but all the stress had changed him. He was suddenly much older than I wanted him to be, closer to being taken away from me, and that thought scared me.

"I'm sorry."

His brows furrowed, but his eyes somehow looked hopeful.

"I'm sorry for everything I said to you…everything I've put you through. I know I've probably never showed it, but you're the only dad I need, or want, and I…I…"

I was trying to say that I forgave him. That I loved him, but the words wouldn't sound in the air in front of me.

"It's okay, Edward. It's okay."

He was suddenly pulling me out of his chair and into his arms, holding me tightly as if he was afraid I was going to fall apart. I couldn't remember the last time he'd hugged me like that, in fact I couldn't remember seeing affection like that in my family for a very long time.

Ignoring the part of me that wanted to pull away and tell him I was an adult, I let him hold me, let his words try and have an impact on me.

Was it going to be okay? I wasn't so sure, but I stayed resolved until he'd left the room and I'd listened to him enter the kitchen below me.

I didn't want him to see me weak, to see my own uncertainty. They all needed to believe I could do it, because if they all did, then maybe I would too.

I didn't need to look in that envelope. I'd already remembered what was in it and the first time I'd opened it, but of course Carlisle didn't know that.

Bella had been there with me the first time, she'd held me and talked it all through with me. She'd promised to be by my side if I needed her, and that the money meant nothing to her. I remembered wanting to open it just so that I could know more about myself – for her. I wanted to be whole, for her. I nearly laughed when I remembered her apologizing, for never wanting me to think that I wasn't enough.

She was wrong. I wasn't enough. Not then, not now. As I sat through dinner, ignoring the discussion going on around me, I wondered if despite all that, she'd help me anyway.

As Alice and Emmett cleared the plates from the table, I made the split decision that I needed to see her. I wanted to know if she'd help me, if she'd ever forgive me, and there was no point in hanging around. Giving her time wasn't going to change whatever decision she'd come to, and I really needed to see her.

Carlisle tried to warn me out of going to see her, but Kate silenced him with her hand on his arm and telling him that talking things through with Bella would help me.

The entire drive over there, I hoped she was right. Emmett drove me and the silence in his Jeep was deafening, but neither of us could think of anything helpful to say.

We sat outside Bella's house for what felt like hours before he nudged me. "Just, go easy on her, okay? If she even lets you through the door."

I felt sick. He was right, of course. After everything I'd put her through, I didn't know why I was expecting anything other than her slamming the door in my face.

My feet felt like lead as I trudged up the path in the rain. My hand shook more than it had all weekend as I raised it to press the bell. My stomach churned as I saw her shadow approach the door, and all the blood seemed to rush to my feet when she opened it and just stood there, gaping at me.

Her hair was pulled back from her face. Her skin was paler than normal, her eyes dull and blackened by dark shadows from a lack of sleep, but clear of any signs of tears. If it was possible, she looked worse than me.

She wordlessly left the doorway and disappeared into the living room, leaving me standing there, wondering if I should follow her or if she'd gone to get Charlie and his gun. I shuddered, but kept my resolve and followed her into the house.

She sighed quietly, taking a seat in the chair, probably so I couldn't sit next to her, and drew her knees up to her chin. I sat on the far end of the couch to give her some space and leant forward on my elbows, nerves eating away at me.

"How do you feel?" she asked quietly, no hint of anything in her voice.

"Honestly, like shit. My whole body feels drained and my head feels like it's tearing itself apart piece by piece…" I trailed off, wondering if I should be completely honest with her before deciding she had a right to know.

"Carlisle flew in a shrink. My old shrink from Chicago. She's intent on getting me on drugs to try and help fight my depression."

"That sounds like a good idea," she said, surprising me.

I snorted. "I'm not fucking depressed, Bella."

"How can you be sure? Edward, the things you said before you left…" Bella's voice got smaller and smaller until she sniffed and rested her head on her folded arms.

I wanted to go to her, wrap her in my arms and tell her we were both okay. I wanted to hold her so much it was actually making my arms ache to just sit there and watch her retreat into herself.

"I didn't mean it, Bella."

"Didn't mean what, specifically? You said a lot of things…" She raised her head and challenged me to admit to what I'd shouted at her hatefully that day.

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you. And I don't blame you, none of this is your fault…_none of it,_ you hear me?"

I needed to erase the thoughts I'd left her with before we went any further, and I needed her to believe that while I may have thought I meant them at the time, I was wrong.

She just stared at me, not even acknowledging that she'd heard me and I sighed in aggravation.

"I was angry! Surprised…Bella, I didn't know what to do, what to even think…I know I can't take them back, but I'm sorry I said them, I didn't mean it…"

She finally nodded and I sighed quietly in relief. Another thought struck me, why had she helped me the other night if she thought I hated her and blamed her? After the hateful things I'd done and said to her?

"Why did you stay on Wednesday night?" She looked surprised, as if she wasn't expecting me to even remember her being there. I didn't blame her, that wouldn't be anything new.

"Because…I couldn't leave you there alone like that. You needed a friend, so I took care of you."

"Friend? What, you're suddenly just my friend?" I asked before I realized I had no right to talk to her like that after the way I'd acted. "I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head. "Thank you for helping me…for staying with me…"

I trailed off again. I had so much I needed to say, but I didn't even know where to begin. I'd wronged her in so many ways that it was only just beginning to dawn on me that she may not ever forgive me there was so much of it.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I…I panicked, I was scared and confused. I ran when I should have stayed and listened to you. I told you I hated you and I don't, I could never hate you, I love you so fucking much it hurts. Thinking about what you went through hurts, Bella, I can't…I don't know…" Tears pricked at me eyes as I watched Bella's do the same.

"You're so strong. The things you've been through…the things you've done. Everything you went through for me…you deserve someone who can do the same, but I don't know if I can…I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. It hurts so fucking much – not what I've been through, but what you've been through. I wasn't here when you needed me most and the fact that I ran when you needed me again…I'm so fucking sorry…"

"Edward, stop."

"No…I should never have hurt you like that. My family should never have hurt you like that. I need you to know that I love you, that I realize I probably never stopped loving you even when my brain forgot you and that I _know_ for a fact I've never loved someone the way I love you, nor will I _ever_ love someone the way I love you."

She was shaking her head and I was confused, it was like she didn't even want to know.

Maybe she didn't. She seemed to steel herself in front of me as she sat up straight and looked me in the eye.

"Edward, aside from Wednesday night, I think we need to just, stop. Us being together isn't right, not right now anyway. We're causing each other more hurt and pain than anything else and you have to know that isn't healthy. You're dad has you seeing a shrink, I'm seeing a shrink. I'm on anti-depressants and Xanax and they want the same for you. I'm only sixteen, can't you see that there's something wrong somewhere? It's all just…little things…things that have always been there, telling us from the very beginning…"

"You sound like a fucking shrink, Bella, this isn't you…" I stood and walked towards her slowly, disbelieving.

"Stop! You need to be by yourself. You need to figure this stuff out on your own, remember your past before you remember ours. You need to work on you without having a relationship that's barely hanging on to complicate everything. Having me-" She hiccupped, but cut me off when I tried to interrupt. "Having me in your life is causing all of this anguish in you, and I can't sit by and watch you self-destruct, knowing it's my fault. I can't do it."

Without hesitation, I reached out and brushed away a tear that fell onto her pale cheek with my thumb. She closed her eyes and leaned into my touch, and that one movement told me everything she hadn't. She knew I loved her, and deep inside, she still loved me too, but she couldn't face it, much like I couldn't face most of what was wrong between us.

"So, you're breaking up with me for my own good?" I asked, my voice cracking with disbelief. Despite fearing it all along, hearing her say the words, or see her shaking her head brought the pain back to the surface.

I fell back onto the carpet, my eyes fixed on her face, hoping beyond hope that she'd change her mind and tell me we could try and fix everything I'd destroyed.

"I really fucked it up, didn't I? So, that's it? We're done?" I asked again, desperately wanting her to tell me no, no we weren't, but when she nodded, her lip caught between her teeth, I knew that was it.

I stood up shakily, having to put my hand out to stop me from falling over. Bella moved from the corner of my eye but she didn't touch me or help me. There was a voice in my head telling me I had to tell her everything, all the other ways I'd hurt her, but the look on her face stopped me. She was already broken beyond anything I'd seen, hurting her more would have destroyed me.

"I…I don't want to leave you on your own…"

"I'm not alone, Edward, and neither are you," she replied softly. I swallowed hard and wiped the tears from my face before turning and walking to her door.

"I'm sorry I lost faith in you, in us, last year, Bella. I'm sorry I abandoned you and I'm sorry that I disappointed you last week. I should have been stronger, but I'm not."

I heard her gasp and had to fight the urge to turn around when I heard a choked sob leave her throat, but I wasn't what she needed and I had to walk out – again.

I stopped on the top porch step.

"I've walked away from you before, Bella, but I need you to know that I don't want to. I'm going because _you _want me to, not because I do." I turned to find her standing in the doorway, her hand over her mouth and Charlie standing behind her silently.

"I will fix this. I promise I won't give up this time…"

Without waiting for an answer, I turned and headed back to Emmett's Jeep. I didn't look at him, or speak the entire way home. I didn't stop when I entered the house, heading straight up to my room as Kate told my dad to leave me alone.

Before I slid into bed, I opened my phone and looked at the pictures I'd saved from our camping trip. With Bella on my screen, I sank to my knees. That was the first night since I'd left Chicago that I spoke to God. I'd believed him to have deserted me with everything I had gone through, but maybe my deserting him had been the problem.

If I was going to get better, I was going to need all the help I could get.

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**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Right, from now on the story will be moving a lot quicker! Not long until it's over, which means it's not long until you get the HEA I've been promising you for like two years :D**

**Leave me a review if you so wish :D Don't forget you can follow me on twitter - at SarahhhhhhJane, or subscribe to my blog for teasers and update news via e-mail :D . **

**Sarah x**


	48. Darkness

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey all! Sorry for the week delay, busy doesn't even cover my work schedule the last fortnight!**

**WOW! I got the most reviews I've ever had EVER in one go for the last chapter of this fic! I am continually blown away by your continued support and investment in this fic, and I honestly hope I do thank you enough!**

**I'm sorry for making y'all so sad with the last one but I have to issue another MASSIVE ANGST/TISSUE warning for this one too. This chapter is dark and I hope you can all bear with me.**

**Thank you again to all of you who are reading and reviewing, you all make this such an honour.**

**This chapter hasn't been beta'd so all mistakes or oversights are mine. Do let me know if something doesn't quite match up :D**

**I disclaim.**

* * *

Man, it's been a long day  
Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway  
Wondering if I really tried everything I could  
Not knowing if I should try a little harder

Oh, but I'm scared to death  
That there may not be another one like this  
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard  
The words that you needed so bad  
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you  
The things that you needed to have  
I'm so sad, sad

Man, it's been a long night  
Just sitting here, trying not to look back  
Still looking at the road we never drove on  
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

Oh, but I'm scared to death  
That there may not be another one like this  
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard  
The words that you needed so bad  
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you  
The things that you needed to have  
I'm so sad, sad  
I'm so sad, so sad

Oh, but I'm scared to death  
That there may not be another one like this  
And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard  
The words that you needed so bad  
And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you  
The things that you needed to have  
And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard  
The words that you needed so bad

I'm so sad, so sad.

_Sad – Maroon 5_**  
**

* * *

**Chapter 48 – Darkness**

Every night before sleep took me, I felt the same raw pain in my chest.

It was like it waited in the darkness for me, and pounced the second I was at my most vulnerable.

I was trying to deal with it.

I was adamant that it wasn't going to break me, but fighting it, quelling it, was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do.

Tears fell silently onto my pillow as I recalled the pain in Edward's voice when I told him it was over. My heart would replay the pain it felt at the time, over and over, intensifying it in my loneliness. I knew it was for the best, but it was ripping me to shreds and I had no idea how to stop it from destroying me.

Jasper could tell. Hell, I think everyone could tell. They all watched me carefully at school, deliberately avoiding the topic of Edward altogether. Alice pulled me away from my locker and into a tight hug one afternoon before I went to biology – alone, as Edward had yet to come back to school – but that been the extent of it. Other than that, it was one massive elephant in the room that no one wanted to address.

It wasn't until the following Monday that my strength was truly put to the test. Edward was back at school. I watched with mounting anxiety as his silver Volvo pulled into the school parking lot. I noticed him slow down as he entered, turning his wheels in the direction of my truck, but at the last minute he zoomed over to the opposite side and parked by the trees.

I knew it was inevitable, that he had to come back. I overheard Alice telling Jasper in the lunch queue on Friday that he was still recovering from the aftereffects of his panic attack. She said he was weak, suffering from migraines and irritable. She also said that he was becoming restless, staring at his phone when he thought no one was looking and spending equal amounts staring at his car keys.

The end of her sentence hung in the air. I wasn't sure if they knew I'd heard, but we all knew what the latter of all of that stemmed from. He wanted me to call, or at least reply to the three texts he'd sent me. He was staring at his car keys because he was fighting the overwhelming urge to run away again. Whether he wanted to come and see me was another thing, I was genuinely unsure whether he wanted that or not.

I knew my breaking up with him was somewhat of a final straw for him, but with the positive things Alice whispered, I found solace in the fact that it had been the right thing to do. She'd returned home from school to find him talking heatedly with his therapist. I found out she was now staying with the Cullens, and Edward was getting around the clock care. She said, loud enough this time for me to hear, the he had refused antidepressants and drugs, saying he wanted to know if he was strong enough to get through it on his own.

My heart welled with pride the same time my eyes pricked with tears. He must have been so scared, so alone and so hurt, but he was fighting it by himself, adamant that he do it on his own. He was so much stronger than he realized, and I hoped he'd come to the same realization as me – that he _could _do it on his own.

I hated the looks from the other students when I had to ask each teacher for Edward's assignments and work. I wasn't taking them to him, but I was in most of his classes, so the job of making sure he didn't fall behind, ironically fell to me. It was my fault he was missing class in the first place, and somehow I felt like I was helping him by doing this small favour for Alice and Emmett.

But Monday came around, and I watched with my breath held as he gracefully climbed out of his car, pushed his hands through the armholes of his hoodie and pulled it on over his unruly hair. It didn't escape my notice that it was the one he knew I loved the most, and the way my hands twitched, wanting to wrap themselves around him wearing it, was a stark reminder of what we no longer had.

My heart felt like it wanted to climb up my throat and out of me as he stood staring at my truck. I knew he couldn't see me, with the sun glinting off my windshield, but the way he kept his eyes locked on my position unnerved me. I briefly wondered if he'd walk across and say hi, before mentally slapping myself.

Things weren't going to go back to normal, but I did wonder just what things would be like between us. In his absence, he'd been moved up into my calculus class, meaning we shared three, one after the other. English and Biology were going to be more difficult for us both, however, as we shared a table in both.

With a deep, shuddering breath I found my strength, opened my truck door and clambered out onto the asphalt. I could feel Edward's eyes on me as I walked across to Angela's Ford, but fought to keep my focus on her instead.

"Edward's back," she stated, her eyes jumping between mine to read my reaction. It was refreshing to talk to Angela because she was so removed from the situation she could be completely unbiased in the whole thing. She wasn't going to pretend it didn't happen, nor was she going to pick sides, and while I didn't want to admit to it, I did want to talk about Edward, and the radio silence I'd been living in for ten days was nearly my undoing.

"Yeah," I answered, my sheer exhaustion clear in my tone.

The bell sounded and all the people that had been hiding him from me suddenly shifted as one towards the main building. He was still standing in the same spot, still watching me, a small frown fixed upon his face.

Angela laced her arm with mine and clearly made a decision she thought was best. As she led me in Edward's direction, I seriously wasn't as sure.

"Hey, Edward," she said cheerfully with a little wave at him.

"Angela." He nodded, but not at her despite addressing her. No, his eyes were fixed on me and I couldn't look away. Trapped in his intense green gaze, I felt like the most foolish girl in the world. How had I thought letting this boy go was the best thing for us? I could feel an intense tugging to just be closer to him, to have him wrap his arms around me and never let go.

One flick of his eyes told me he was feeling the exact same way.

"Edward, how are you?" I found my voice by some miracle, and I regretted my choice of words as soon as his eyes narrowed.

"Oh me, you know, just peachy." I flinched at the anger in his tone, but I really shouldn't have been surprised. This was my fault, after all.

"I'm sorry. You were out the whole week, I was worried…"

"Worried? Do you want to hear about me staying locked in my room, because the thought of facing a day without me was crippling? Do you want to hear about all the times I was brought down to the lowest of the low when my fucking therapist reminded me of every lowlife thing I've done to you? How about how I miss you so fucking much that I stare at my phone every free minute of my day hoping you'll call, or text, or even acknowledge the fact I got in touch with you first? Or how about the fact that you left me to come to terms with the fact that I left the love of my life alone when she went through the hardest months of her life? Or that I had no fucking idea there was even a possibility I was going to be a dad? Or that I have to now come to terms with the fact that not only did I have NO FUCKING CLUE that you were even pregnant, but in the time I was gone you had a miscarriage too? I'm a fucking failure, Bella, and I've spent the last week having to come to terms with that. I failed everyone that's ever loved me, and I'm barely hanging on. What else do you want to know?"

Tears tracked down my cheeks and Angela hissed his name in warning. I held up my hand to her, telling her without words that he was more than entitled to vent his anger and pain. It was more than I deserved for my lies and indecision over the months.

I could see the pain in his eyes, but more than that I could see the regret building up in him for how he'd just spoken to me. He opened his mouth, maybe to apologise, maybe to dismiss himself from the situation but I cut him off.

"You didn't fail me, Edward. Not then, not now. I just want you to get better."

He looked stunned, and I felt stunned. I was angry. After the way he had treated me that weekend, I had every right to be furious that he was angry at me, but I didn't have it in me. We were both in the wrong, over a very long period of time. It was going to take a lot of thought and dissecting for both of us to get through it, separately or together. But he needed to know that what happened last September was not his fault.

"You were coming to find me, Edward. Us being apart is the reason you got into that accident. I'll never live with myself for not even knowing I could have lost you that night. My whole world could have come crashing down and I wouldn't have even known…"

"Come on, Bella. We have to get to class." Glancing at Angela I realise that there are a few teachers standing on the steps in front of the doors, no doubt wondering what the arguing and shouting was. With exasperated looks they wave towards the doors to try and get us moving.

I glance back at Edward to find tears sparkling on his pale cheeks. I shot him a small, unsure smile and let Angela lead me away. I'd said what he needed to hear for now. We had so much to talk about that it would take as many months as we were apart to get through it all.

I could see it in his eyes that he was regretting getting angry at me, that he hadn't meant to shout and scream at me, that our reunion had gone so differently in his head. That hurt too, on top of everything else, he'd ruined what he thought might have been.

I didn't look back as we walked away, but I could feel him begging me to turn around with his eyes. All the way to calculus, where everyone stared at us as we walked in, he didn't take his eyes off me. Even as I sat two rows and three seats along from him in class, he watched me instead of paying attention to the teacher.

English was harder. We sat beside one another, him staring at the side of my face and me trying to steal surreptitious glances his way without him noticing. When it got harder and harder, I kept my eyes glued to my book and noticed him do the same. We both knew the other wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention as the class read through Shakespeare, but we tried our best to ignore the mounting tension.

When the bell rang, he had his stuff packed up and was out of the classroom like lightening. The reminder that we always walked to biology together made my heart crack a little more. I wasn't sure I could deal with not having him by my side as I made my way through the busy hallways.

Biology was much the same. When Mr Banner turned the lights off to aide his slideshow, Edward folded his arms on top of the desk and hid his head beneath them. I took the time to look at him in the dark, fighting the urge to run my fingers through his already lengthening hair. It had been the longest week of my life since I'd seen him last, since he'd walked out of my door with promises of not giving up on us.

I didn't know what to expect. I still didn't. He said he wasn't giving up, wasn't going to stop fighting, but a week had gone by without as much as a peep from him. I knew I had to give him time to talk things through with his family, to come to terms with everything he'd learned in the last few months, and that speaking to me was probably low on his list, but I couldn't deny I wasn't anxious to know what his plans were.

The same happened again at the end of biology. The bell rang and he was gone before the lights even went up. Mr Banner's eyes snapped to mine when he noticed Edward retreating down the corridor, but I couldn't face the confusion or pity in his eyes and had to look away.

Edward didn't come straight to the cafeteria. I kept looking for him while in line, and I knew Alice and Emmett were too. By the time we'd all sat down, he appeared looking wired and twitchy. Angela sat beside me, and the only other spare seat was opposite me. Even with the table between us I could smell the smoke that still lingered on him.

My eyes widened as I stared him down. He was smoking again. His eyes flicked to mine, but seeing the disappointment and confusion in my gaze, he dropped them to the table where he restlessly fumbled with the cap off his water bottle.

The tension at the table was palpable. Conversation was non-existent as we all sat and stared either at each other or our respective trays. Our lives were so intertwined now that Alice was with Jasper and Emmett had taken to hanging with us. Edward had no other friends outside his siblings, and I had only Jasper and Angela. Our encounters were going to be inevitable, and likely as frequent as they always had been unless we tried to avoid each other.

It was only day one and already I was feeling the drain our mixed presence was causing.

The next day was the same. We continued to ignore each other, despite tension hanging in the air between us with all the things that had gone unsaid. We didn't look at each other, knowing the day before it had done us no good, and we spoke no words to one another. English, biology, history and lunch were painful to say the least and the yearning I felt inside for just his simple touch was enough to drive me to the bathrooms, were I stayed, alone for the entirety of lunch. It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do, ignore him, ignore the instinct to reach for his hand and weave our fingers together, or to run to him in happiness every time I saw him.

I could tell, though, just by the way his jaw locked or his eyes stared at something over my shoulder but so close to me, that it was just as hard for him. He was fighting all the same instincts, and simply because I'd asked him to. I was putting us through this pain, and he was continuing the charade because I'd ended us.

I didn't want it to be that way. I realized I'd genuinely thought we could be friends. That we could pretend there had been nothing between us. That we could start again, talk about the things between us, but have a non-complicated relationship that got in the way of our admissions.

However, I realized how foolish that was. It would break me if he ever forgot what we'd been like, how he'd looked at me and all the sweet things he'd said. I wanted him to regain his lost memories, so acting like we could pretend there was nothing there was a stupid, stupid idea.

My heart broke even more when I approached Emmett and Edward in line the third day and overheard the end of his statement.

"I don't understand how you can love someone one day and not the next."

Emmett's eyes flicked to me in panic, but my heart was already breaking and I fled from the cafeteria, my hand clasped around my throat. I barely made it to the bathroom in time to throw up the little I'd eaten for breakfast that morning.

**~Edward's POV~**

"I don't understand how you can love someone one day and not the next," I finished, pain creeping over me as I thought over Bella's actions. How could she just break up with me like that? How could she turn it all off and try to pretend like it hadn't all happened? I didn't understand how she could be so calm when I was fucking falling apart every minute of the day, dying just to hold her hand every time I saw her.

"Dude," Emmett replied, his eyes fixed on something over my shoulder. I turned in time to see Bella fleeing the cafeteria and I _knew_. She'd heard me, and without even having to think about it, she'd gotten the complete wrong idea about what I'd meant. I was talking about her, about how confused I was over how easy she made it look.

She thought I was talking about me, that I was slightly confused over how I could suddenly not love her.

I would have laughed if it hadn't been so serious. How could she possibly think I didn't love her?

Then it all hit me like a freight train. How stupid had I been? The same way I thought she no longer loved me. We were both acting our roles so well that the other had no idea what was going on. I knew it wasn't exactly easy for her, that she still cared, especially after she told me she'd been worried about me, but she'd made no other effort to talk to me, or even look at me.

She was just doing the same as I was. Protecting herself from getting hurt even more, from saying something she might regret later on. I was still regretting my outburst in the school parking-lot. I'd been so wired to see her again, making an extra effort on my appearance as if she'd suddenly see me and change her mind on our break-up.

I was torn between feeling guilty as fuck for what I'd done to her – running off, saying hurtful things, cheating on her – while fighting the urge to make her see how angry and hurt I was. I was never actually pleased with her pain, no matter the front I put on or the words I said, or didn't say. It hurt me to hurt her, but it was easier than letting her inside and showing her how fucked up I truly was and where I ached the most.

Emmett grabbed Alice and with a quick explanation – even he knowing what had just happened – he sent her after Bella to make sure she was okay and explain that I wasn't that cold and that I didn't _not _love her.

It was a dick move, letting someone else reassure her that I loved her – I should have been doing it myself, but I knew that hearing it from me would probably cause more damage than good with the current state of our relationship.

I didn't see her for the rest of the day, Alice informing us that Bella had gone home early -with a sick-line from the nurse. Jasper stared at me unappreciatively, all of us knowing it was my fault, and silently challenging me to see what I was going to do about it.

There really was nothing I could do. Bella had put an end to our relationship, and only on her terms would I ever go back. Sure, I was going to fight every single day to give her reason to have those terms, but I wasn't going to force my presence on her any more than was necessary, because I knew, at the moment, it would just hurt her more.

I went straight to Kate when I arrived home that night, finally letting her all the way in. I told her about the betrayal I felt when I found out about Carlisle, the utter confusion and pain I still experienced with the absence of my own mother and the thought that she didn't love me at all. I told her all the things I'd said and done with Bella, right down to Bella putting a stop on our sexual relationship.

We both knew why she'd done it. With hindsight it was easy to see that she feared me gaining a memory whilst in _that_ position. I guess I could see Kate's point of view that that would have been disastrous. She didn't even take notes as I delved into the deeper thoughts in my head, that I had failed Bella. I hadn't been there when she needed me the most; the anger that I felt at myself for forgetting the most important person in my world, the anger that was still bubbling in me that I still couldn't remember anything about our time in New York.

I threw my mug of cold tea at the wall when Kate told me my memories may never come back and that I had to come to terms with it.

Carlisle came running in and put a stop to our session after that. He sent me to my room with no room for arguments and I only just had time to mumble an apology to a shaken Kate before ascending the stairs. I passed Emmett at the top, who had clearly heard the entire exchange. He didn't say anything, just clapped me on the shoulder as if to say "you're getting there," and I felt so grateful that I surprised him by grabbing him into a hug you can only ever give your brother.

He squeezed me back briefly before we both let go and went our separate ways. It didn't matter what any piece of paper said, he was my brother and he always would be.

I collapsed onto my bed feeling emotionally worn, ravaged and weak. I had purged some of my deepest and darkest feelings and fears, and actually felt pretty damn good about it.

However, the next morning arrived and I couldn't even get out of bed. I tried, but I felt like the weight of the world was bearing down on me. Carlisle came to see why I wasn't up and heading to school, and I could see the concern etched in his face. He sat on the bed, trying to coax conversation from me, but I couldn't even find the energy to move my lips and answer him.

I noticed Kate enter the room with a soft smile at my father and place a mug of something on my bedside table. She whispered something to him and he left quietly while she took his place on my bed.

"Edward, I want you to take these."

She held her hand out, and in her palm rested two tiny little purple pills. I knew what they were, it did register somewhere, but even as she passed me the mug of what I noticed was just water, I still took them. I didn't fight it, didn't even remember why I didn't want to take them, and lay back down on my bed, letting the darkness take me.

I slept for what felt like days, but when I was awake, whatever it was she was giving me seemed to give me a temporary reprieve from the constant darkness that had been on the fringes of my subconscious for so long.

It was better when I was busy. I helped Emmett clear the garage after he returned back from school on the Friday, I even powered through my history assignment that was due on the Monday. I'd missed yet another two days of school, but I was at least keeping up with my work, with help from everyone in the house.

At night however, it got bad. It got so bad that on several occasions I had to fight the urge to breakdown and call Bella in tears, begging her to take the pain away. On Saturday night I even got so far as driving to Bella's and sitting at the end of her driveway just staring at the house.

Charlie noticed me of course, and came out to talk to me. I didn't give him the chance. I just nodded at him from the car and sped away from the front of his house.

But then, in the morning I would wake up feeling slightly less weighed down by my life than I had the day prior. I was actually ready to face the day head on when it came around. Well, maybe side on, but at least I was conscious of wanting to make an effort. It finally felt like there were little bits of sunshine peeking through the perpetual darkness. I still spent my days keeping busy, and talking to Kate constantly about everything and nothing.

On Monday I felt ready to go back to school. The feeling that had been growing remained as I went about my day, and I'm pretty sure I even managed a smile at Bella at one point. She'd just stared at me, amazed almost before smiling shyly and heading off in the opposite direction. That one smile was enough to light up my entire week.

As angry and hurt as I was at her for leaving me at my lowest point, I still couldn't take my eyes off her whenever she was near. I seriously wondered how I'd gone nearly three days without looking at her, when just the sight of her hair or face was enough to get my through the dull hours of school.

I had developed this sort of radar that alerted me to her presence, like I could tell whenever she was near, and I realized it was because I was spending so much time attuning myself to her. It was almost stalkerish, but I couldn't bring myself to stop.

I was soaking up everything I could get, because it was the only thing that actually made me feel a little better. She wasn't some pill full of chemicals and hormones. She was a real-life thing and she was turning into my lifeline without even knowing it.

She opened up a little in that week. Whatever Alice had said to her, it seemed to bring them closer, and make her a little less down. I hoped Alice had conveyed my message – that there was no fucking way I no longer loved her – and the Bella knew my feelings hadn't changed. I also hoped Alice had passed on the fact that everything that was changing in my life, all the choices I was making were for Bella, so that I could be better for her.

Over the noise of the cafeteria I would listen intently into every word she said in my proximity. I'd even hang onto her answers in class when she was asked a question. Her sweet lilting voice never changed, barely wavered, and was a constant I so desperately needed in my days.

"Edward?" I was jolted from my musings by Bella. The sound of my name in her voice snapped something in me and I turned to find her eyeing me in concern. I couldn't speak, could only stare and soak in the moment. She'd actually spoken to me; we were no longer ignoring each other.

My moment didn't last long however, as she continued slowly. "The bell rang ages ago. You'll be late for class." She avoided my gaze, nodded sort of awkwardly and hoisted her backpack higher on her shoulder.

By the time I found my voice and shouted her name, she was already gone, merging into the crowds of students outside the class.

Two weeks, two fucking weeks and I was so spaced out I couldn't even speak to her.

I skipped my next class and sped home, nearly two-wheeling the car as I turned the corner onto our long-ass driveway.

I wasted the only chance she'd given me in two weeks and I it was the fault of one fucking thing alone.

Kate had been upping my medication because every few days I was slipping back into "my depression" but they were turning me into a fucking space cadet and it had to fucking stop.

Finally, I remembered why I didn't want the fucking help in the first place. Fighting the darkness and pain every night was better not even being able to fucking function when my girl was talking to me.

No, it was cold turkey time.

I had no fucking idea just how hard it was going to be, though.

Kate was the specialist for a reason.

* * *

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Who else needs a hug? Cause that took more out of me than you can imagine.**

**I hope you can all understand where this is going, and why, and once again I leave you with the promise that this fic is HEA.**

**You can follow me on twitter - at SarahhhhhhJane - or subscribe to my blog - www . liveindakot . blogspot . com - on the right hand side of the page, for e-mail updates of goss and TEASERS for all my fics :D**

**Hope to see you over there!**

**Muchos love and see you all soon!**

**Sarah x**


	49. The Heart Never Lies

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hey all!**

**Happy Sunday! Hope you all managed to get a read of the teaser I posted, and thanks for waiting the extra few days for this chapter!**

**Massive thank you to everyone who continues to read, review and favourite this fic, it always manages to make me smile :D I tried to reply to you all, so if you didn't recieve a review it's because you were signed in as a guest or have your PMs disabled :D**

**Anyways, onwards. We hit rock bottom last chapter, so I promise it's only up from there, even if it might not always seem like it, things are getting better :D**

**I no longer have a beta for this story, so any and all mistakes are mine and I hope you excuse them :D**

* * *

**Chapter 49 – Changes**

Some people laugh, some people cry  
Some people live, some people die  
Some people run, right into the fire  
Some people hide their every desire  
But we are the lovers

If you don't believe me  
Then just look into my eyes  
'cause the heart never lies

Some people fight, some people fall  
Others pretend they don't care at all  
If you wanna fight I'll stand right beside you  
The day that you fall I'll be right behind you  
To pick up the pieces

If you don't believe me  
Just look into my eyes  
'Cause the heart never lies

Another year over, and we're still together  
It's not always easy, but I'm here forever

We are the lovers  
I know you believe me  
When you look into my eyes  
'Cause the heart never lies

Yeah we are the lovers, I know you believe me  
When you look into my eyes  
'cause the heart never lies

'Cause the heart never lies  
Because the heart never lies

_The Heart Never Lies – McFly_

* * *

EPOV

I'd begged Kate to take me off the pills, and it took her days to even slightly agree. She told me again and again that I couldn't just stop taking them, that she was afraid of what I might do if I no longer had them.

She tried to tell me just how bad I was, but I couldn't remember a time before them, so I had no idea if she was lying or not. She promised me eventually – after a week of begging – that she'd severely drop my dosage and only ever give me stronger pills when it was clear I needed them.

I didn't ask how she would know. I didn't want to know what was going through her head as she jotted down a new dosage for my dad to pick up at the hospital. There was something in her eyes when she looked at me, like she was scared, unsure of her decision.

If she was scared, then surely that meant I should be too. I didn't want to be scared; I was a fucking coward and decided that I didn't want to know in advance what I might go through in the future. I didn't want to be constantly waiting around for my world to crash around my ears.

I didn't know just how much she'd lowered my dosage by, but as the week passed, it was obvious it was miniscule if anything. I didn't feel any better than I had, I still spaced out on way more occasions than I should have, and I slept all the fucking time.

The pain in my chest didn't go away, I kept thinking maybe it would lessen with time, with pills, with seeing Bella every day at school, but it was always there, and always intensified tenfold when I lay on my bed at night.

Kate took to telling me that people who often go through breakups experience the same grief similar to when someone dies. She told me the same thing every time we had a new "session," as if continually rubbing in that Bella was gone was best for me.

Maybe it was.

I'd given up fighting her on most things. I hadn't given up fighting for me, or for Bella, but I had to trust that Carlisle and Kate knew what they were doing. If she thought keeping me on my medication was best, then it was.

I fucking hated the grogginess that settled over me – usually around mid-afternoon – but my body was beginning to finally rebuild its strength, and when night came, I was actually functional.

I continued to go to school, I continued to watch Bella like a hawk, but things had changed irrevocably. She was hurting too, and while it was wrong, I took comfort in that. Breaking up had been her idea, and no matter how hard I tried, there were still times when I wondered if she'd actually wanted to go separate ways and had just used me as an excuse.

Of course, in times of lucidity I knew that was ridiculous. I knew she loved me, maybe even more than I'd loved her at the time, and seeing the change in her at school led me to believe that us being apart was as hard on her as it was on me.

She had a whole summer of our past to base her love on. After a few Bella based sessions with Kate, I realized that the depth of her love and loyalty ran so much deeper than anyone elses. She'd fallen in love with me on the other side of the country, thought she'd lost me, lost our baby on her own and then had me waltz back into her life again.

What I was going through had nothing on her suffering or her pain.

Kate came up with the idea that maybe I should tell her all this, that I'd come to those revelations and sort of understood the depth of the pain and betrayal she felt because of me.

I chickened out in telling her though. It was lunch and we were all sitting around our usual table. Everyone else had paired off and I saw my opportunity to lean in to Bella and ask if we could talk. I had it all planned – I'd lead her to the benches outside and tell her everything I'd come to realize. What I'd done to her, the things I'd said in my anger, the acceptance of our past and the things I'd failed to do.

But she'd looked up at me, and the resolve in her eyes made mine crumble. While I was imagining scenarios of apologising and explaining and getting her back, she was building up her wall to keep me out.

The look of faked anger she'd drawn together made me breathless. She'd opened her mouth to no doubt shoot me down, keep me from saying something she knew was going to change things, but I'd held up my hand, struggled to draw in deep breaths and pushed my chair back from the table. Six sets of eyes landed on me, but Bella's were all I could see.

Her resolve crumbled only slightly when she saw the pain radiating from me, but it was too late, I'd changed my mind and backed down. She wasn't ready, maybe neither of us were ready.

I walked away from the table and didn't look back. Since, we'd been sitting on opposite sides of the table, as if the cheap reinforced plastic could keep us from hurting each other more.

I spent my days afterwards willing her to look at me. I gave myself headaches most days, screaming thoughts at her in my head; on my good days, at least. On my bad days I was lucky if I even made it to school.

Carlisle had spoken to the head teacher, and my individual teachers, and come to some sort of arrangement for my continued sporadic absence. We would never know in advance when I wouldn't make it out of bed, but on those days, Emmett would collect my work and I'd have to catch up on my good days.

But when my head was clearer, my stomach more settled, and my eyesight less fuzzy, I was at school and as tuned in as I could be. Bella was my motivation. I needed to see her as much as possible, and I spent _those _lunchtimes staring at her, longing to tell her what was cementing itself into my heart and mind with each passing day.

That I hadn't fallen out of love with her like she'd once thought – if only briefly. To tell her there would never be another girl for me and I wanted her to wait, that I wanted her to realize I needed to get better, that I needed to come to terms with the fact there had never been another girl for me.

Sure, there had been Tanya, but I barely remembered her – and not because I'd lost my fucking memory. I sat and talked it through with Emmett one particularly sunny day out on the quad at school, and then with Kate when I'd returned home.

Tanya had been my girlfriend for a little over three months when I found out about my past. I never once thought of her when I decided to run to New York, I never got in touch with her, nor did I ever miss her. Emmett told me that when we were together we had fun, but we were young, I knew I didn't think anything of it at the time.

Not to mention the fact that she was sleeping with my two best friends while telling me I was the one for her. Not just one of my best friends, both of them. There had only ever been the three of us, and she took it all from me.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't care. They weren't my best friends anymore, and she wasn't my girlfriend. All three of them were like blips on my radar compared to what I'd found – and subsequently lost – since I'd arrived in Forks.

Emmett was my best friend, and my brother. I had to tell myself the latter more often than not. I felt guilty that I thought of him as anything less, and when I explained it to him and Kate in a joint session, he said he understood, but I could see the hurt in his eyes. We'd always been brothers, it didn't matter what our parents said, or who they even were, we'd grown up as brothers and we'd stay brothers.

I discussed the family dynamics with Kate separately, too. She said it was healthy that I thought of Emmett as my best friend. It was a new side to our relationship that showed strength and growth in both of us in getting around the obstacles that had been thrown our way.

I didn't need anyone from my past life. I wanted to scream and shout and tell everyone that it was nothing compared to what I'd had in the last five months, but when I sat down with Kate, I was thrown back into the reality of said life.

I had been living in denial, ready to go on with my life without knowing anything about myself, my past, or the ones closest to me. I let Bella suffer for months because I was too much of a fucking coward to listen to her.

I remembered the days I'd see more pain in her eyes than love, more hurt than happiness. I spilled it all to Kate, the day Bella told me she was lying and it was killing her. The day I sat on the sofa with Bella on my lap and told her I couldn't handle it. I'd basically thrown my brain injury in her face to frighten her into silence. I might not have known it at the time, but I had.

Kate upped my medication again that day. Supposedly, I threw my cell through the living room window and out onto the gravel in front of the house. I didn't remember doing it. Carlisle said he had to sedate me because I was screaming about going to Bella and making her understand.

I didn't remember that either. I did remember finally emerging from the darkness on a Sunday afternoon to see a work-team installing a new window. I knew then they were done lying to me.

Kate told me I should stay off school the next Monday, but I downright refused. I pretended to be feeling way better than I was, for one simple reason, I had to see Bella.

It had been three weeks since the day she overheard me in the cafeteria, and two since our near showdown. Things hadn't changed; we still didn't speak to one another, but we both still hovered on the fringes of each other's lives. I wasn't sure I would handle the day she decided she deserved better than stolen glances and information through other people.

I knew Alice was keeping Bella informed on my behaviour at home. I knew every time I got angry or unstable, that Bella would find out. I knew every time I arrived back at school after either one or multiple days off, she would see the dark circles under my eyes and the weight that I continued to lose.

She saw it all, she heard it all second-hand, but it didn't change her mind. She still kept her distance and her silence, and I still ached every time she was near me.

We sat mere feet apart at lunch and in the classes we shared. In English I sat behind her and stared at the back of her head, in biology I sat beside her and stared at her pale hand, or arm, or any other piece of her I could see from the corner of my eye.

I fought the grogginess even more than I had before, determined not to miss even the slightest detail.

She arrived to school one Thursday afternoon with her hair drastically changed. It was shorter, by at least ten inches, and she had highlights subtly weaved through it. I had to fight a panic attack that morning, with Emmett on one side and Jasper on the other, trying to calm me down before the whole school noticed.

She was moving on, changing in front of my eyes and it took something as silly as a haircut to remind me once and for all that it was my fault. Jasper and I had become relatively closer that day. He seemed to understand what had set me off, and he finally listened to me when I told him I'd never _not_ love Bella.

I gathered myself together, intent on making it through the day, and found that I couldn't keep my eyes off her. She noticed of course, our eyes met on more than one occasion, but instead of chewing me out like I thought she would, she left me in peace. By the time lunch came around, I'd thought up an ingenious idea that I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of before.

Ripping a slip of paper out of one of my notebooks, I wrote three simple words across the middle of it before folding it up. Logistically, that was the easy part. I had to wait until after the bell had sounded before I found an opportunity to slip it into her backpack without her noticing. Both Jasper and Angela caught me, but neither said a word, and I hastily made my way to art with shaking hands and a smile on my face.

It was a simple note, and I don't know what I had been expecting, but it was never mentioned. I began to wonder if maybe it had fallen out of her backpack when she took books out, or if it was still lying in the bottom unseen, and realized that while I had been stealthy, I'd also been stupid.

Bella deserved more than a hastily written note on cheap paper stuffed in her bag when she wasn't looking. I wouldn't have been surprised if it had angered her more than anything.

Kate asked me why I was beating myself up about it, especially when she thought it was a sweet gesture.

"What did it say?" She asked that night when I told her what I'd done.

"You look beautiful," I replied simply, staring at the floor.

When another week had passed, I gave up all hope on her even mentioning it.

The weather changed for the better, the days were longer, the sun out more often and the students working harder.

The end of our year was quickly encroaching. April soon led into May and exams were too close. All our teachers talked about were exams and coursework. All our assemblies were led by motivational speakers or scouts for colleges.

I told Carlisle on more than one occasion that I didn't want to even think about it. I couldn't. On top of everything having to apply to colleges and submit my work was draining me of everything I had.

He told me I could do it, time and again saying he would get me all the help he could.

He mentioned tutors and private mentors to get me through my coursework and homework, but I failed to see the point.

Kate had already told me it was going to take me a long time to get better, it was likely I might not even be back on top of things in time for starting college somewhere. If that turned out to be the case, then my applications would be proved pointless, because even if I went to college it would have to be Washington. In my state, she said, I coulnd't be any further than that from home.

Emmett applied all over the country, putting in for football scholarships from Florida to Pennsylvania. I battled my jealousy, but it was slowly bubbling over. He and Rosalie were better than ever, he had been promoted to head of the school football team, they had a state championship game coming up and he was excited to be moving away for school.

Then there was me. I couldn't stay sane long enough to talk to my girl, I couldn't keep the darkness at bay long enough to apologize to her and explain that I understood what she'd gone through. I couldn't stay awake long enough at night to finish my schoolwork, never mind actually fill out an application form.

It all bubbled over the day Carlisle was helping me in the kitchen. I was so worn out that he was even writing it all my information for me. I was so fucking drained that I couldn't even hold the fucking pen.

I'd flipped out at his casual conversation and questions, throwing my glass of water against the wall before I even realized I'd moved. He'd told me tiredly that I should probably go to bed and rest, that we'd do it some other time.

That had been at the beginning of April. I hadn't even seen, never mind filled out, an application form since.

I heard Bella and Angela talking about exams at lunch at the start of May. Angela was terrified of the thought of them, but Bella, my Bella was set and dedicated. I knew she was intelligent, I knew she was a year ahead of the kids in her supposed year. What infuriated me was the fact that I had no idea if she was still attempting to graduate with me.

I had no idea if she'd decided to stay at school for the correct amount of years. I had no idea where or if she'd applied, if she was sitting her final year exams and graduating, or if she'd given up on her dream of going to college with me.

I laughed humourlessly into my drink, causing both of them to look at me sharply. It wasn't funny, I knew it wasn't, but the thought that she might graduate and I likely wouldn't manage it was just another kick in the teeth.

Of course, I knew she deserved it with all the hard work she'd done over the year, all the extra credits and workload, but the thought of her going off to college and leaving me behind was enough to have me storming out of the cafeteria and into the quad for a smoke.

I hadn't expected her to follow me, she never had before, but her sweet voice calling my name had me stopping quicker than any other force could have. I turned slowly, hoping beyond anything that I wasn't imagining it. I had imagined her talking to me so many times that I could no longer remember if any of them had ever happened or not.

There she was, her arms clasped around her, her foot toeing the ground in front of her as she looked up at me with her lip caught between her teeth. She had never looked prettier with her new haircut and the sun shining down on her in her skinny jeans and strappy top.

"Are…is everything okay?" she asked quietly. I mightn't have heard her if I hadn't been training myself to pick up her voice in our weeks apart. With her standing in front of me, however, I couldn't even remember how many weeks it had been.

"I just…needed some air…" I replied, my voice catching in my throat.

"Air?" She laughed, and it wasn't until she jutted her head in the direction of my hand that I realized what she meant. I was holding my pack of smokes tightly, and I could see the disappointment in her eyes without even really looking.

"I know you hate it. Fuck, Bella, I hate it too, but it helps, okay? It's like…breathing isn't enough, like the air isn't strong enough or some shit. I'm not doing it to hurt you, or spite you…I promise…"

Her eyes widened slightly and I knew my words had found their mark. I needed her to understand. It was one thing hearing everything from Alice, but I wondered if she truly understood what it was like to be me on a daily basis.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…I'll leave you to it…" she answered, turning to head back into school. I took a step forward before I thought too much about the consequences of what I wanted to ask.

"No. Stay, sit with me? It'll be nice to not be alone out here…" I tried to smile, I tried to make the tension go away, but it was obvious it would take much more than a failed joke to lighten the mood between us.

"Uh, yeah. Okay."

I smiled before turning and hoisting myself up onto the top of the picnic bench, my feet on the seat. I held out my hand to help Bella up beside me, but she just looked at it before following my lead and sitting with too much space between us.

My hand was just, there, in the air between us before I snatched it back and lit up a smoke. I tried to keep it away from her, but I could feel her watching me, judging me for it.

I thought for sure she was going to leave, but she surprised me by speaking up. "Good day or bad?"

I turned to look at her and found her questioning eyes full of concern and intrigue. I sighed heavily, scrubbing my hand over my face, feeling the stubble under my fingertips. I couldn't remember the last time I shaved.

"It was okay…now, not so much…"

"What changed?"

"You…it's always you," I answered honestly, wanting to take it back when she gasped from beside me. I turned my gaze on her and found her staring out across the football field. I could clearly make out Emmett's hulking form and even managed to find Jasper as he weaved through cones and defenders.

"I…" Bella had no idea how to answer, and I didn't blame her, so I manned the fuck up and decided to help her out.

"You and Angela," I continued, jerking my head in the direction of the cafeteria. "You were talking about exams and I realized I have no idea what you want to do anymore. Then I realized I have no right to even wonder if you're still planning on going to college. If you're planning on leaving…or if you decided to stick it out another year…"

"I mean, I know you're not waiting around for me anymore. I mean, in the car that day you said you'd made plans to go to college with "him," but that was me, and I completely fucked that up, so I wondered I guess, if you were going to go to college alone…"

"Edward," she interrupted. I took a deep drag of my smoke before mashing it out on the table top and letting the smoke sting at my lungs before blowing it out.

"No, it's cool. I have no right, I get that, honestly. It just got to me. I can't control it, you know. Emmett and Jasper watch me like hawks to see if I'm going to break down again like the day you got your haircut, but I'm trying really hard to leave you alone. I know you don't want me interfering, and I'm trying so hard to respect that, Bella, harder than you'll ever know."

"Edward," she said again, sadder this time, and she laid her hand on my arm. My head snapped around and my eyes fixed on her palm resting lightly on my forearm. I'd nearly forgotten what it was like to have her skin on mine, but all the memories of the last five months seemed to flood back with her touch.

"Look at me," she whispered, her fingers under my chin. My eyes sought out her brown ones, finding strength and resolve that I could only hope at grasping.

"What happened the day I got my haircut?" she asked, surprising the fuck out of me. That was all she picked up on?

"No, the day you came into school with it…I sort of had a panic attack." She gasped again and I had to close my eyes, the image of her so close to me playing havoc on my brain. "It wasn't your fault. It never is. I just realized that you were changing and I had nothing to do with it and I panicked because it might always be like that. Same with the college thing. You're gonna go off to some amazing school and make new friends, and move in with new people and date other guys and I'm not going to be a part of it Bella.

"These are our lives now. I'm not going to be there when you get your results, or when you choose where you want to work, or you move into your first apartment. I guess I just took longer to come to terms with that than you, but it's not your fault."

"Wait…what? You think I've decided on all that, chosen to be away from you forever and leave you behind? WHAT THE HELL, EDWARD?" I reeled back, surprised by her anger.

"What…I can't believe you just said all that. Is that what you want to happen?" She asked, her anger gone as quickly as it had come.

"Of course not!" I yelled. "You wanted to graduate early so you could be with me in New York, or somewhere similar, but that was nearly a year ago, Bella. Things have changed. I've hurt you, I've left you to suffer, fuck, I've asked you to suffer! You're graduating a year early and I'll be lucky if I even pass my fucking exams!" Her hand slipped out of mine and I turned to find her watching me with fear and sadness etched into her features again. I'd hoped she'd moved on from those emotions over the weeks, but I'd gone and put it right back.

"What do you mean? Alice said you were working at home, that things were getting better…"

I snorted, I couldn't help it. If this was things getting better then I sure as fuck couldn't wait for things to be over.

"Bella, I spend nearly half my week in bed. Some days I'm so fucking exhausted I don't even remember to eat. Carlisle has to force food into me most nights, Kate has to fucking up my medication because I smash things and scream and get violent and then I can't even remember it in the morning. I get up and come to school just so I can see you, and then I fucking chicken out of talking to you because I don't want to get it wrong and hurt you even more.

"Things aren't getting better, Bella. Carlisle might want me to go to college, but I know I'm not going to make it. I thought I could get better, for you, but I'm so far under I can't even see the top."

There were tears tracking down her cheeks, and I made to brush them away before I remembered that wasn't my job anymore. I hadn't meant to be so harsh with her, but I couldn't have her pinning her hopes on something that might not happen.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Bella."

"I know," she whispered, finally wiping them away with her fingers. "I'm sorry, Edward. So sorry." I wasn't sure what she was apologizing for as I watched her climb back down onto the worn grass and turn back to me.

I don't know what made me say it, but my words spilled out before I thought them through. "I love you, Bella. More than anything, but I can't be what you need right now. I'm trying, so hard. I want to be selfish and ask you to wait for me, but people don't do that to the ones they love. You let me go for my own good, and I guess I understand that, deep down somewhere, I need to do the same. You should be free to live the life you want, wherever you want." I took a deep breath, my eyes watering as I drank in every detail of her beautiful face.

"I'm sorry I let you down," I whispered, pinching my eyes with my thumb and forefinger and rubbing furiously.

"You hurt me, Edward, but you've never let me down, not on purpose." I thought she was gone when the silence descended, but after a pause, she spoke again. "Look at me."

I couldn't deny her anything. My eyes snapped to her face in nanoseconds, relief flowing over me when I found hers clear of tears and sadness.

"I'm here if you need me. I know we broke up, and I know this is hard for you, but I want to be your friend, Edward. Do you think, maybe, we could try being friends?"

It was such an epically bad idea, and I was certain we both knew it, but how could I refuse such an offer? I could see the spark of determination in Bella's features, and it seemed to light something in me, too.

"I'd like that…to try…" I whispered in response, not quite believing the whole thing had happened.

She sniffed, alerting me to the fact that she was holding back her tears. "I'll see you in gym, friend." When she smiled faintly, the weight that had been threatening to suffocate me for weeks lifted infinitesimally.

She was my light and my purpose in getting better.

Maybe, just maybe, with her on my side instead of the other I might make it through.

"Try not break anything," I answered automatically. I wasn't sure if I'd overstepped some invisibly drawn line, but she actually fucking giggled as she swung her backpack back onto her shoulders. With a tiny wave off her hand, she turned on her heel and headed back into the cafeteria in time for the bell signalling the end of lunch.

The only downside was that it was Friday, and after gym last period, I wouldn't see her for three days.

I could only hope the memory of her laugh, smile, tears, voice, and touch would be enough to get me through my days of solitude at home.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**I know a few things haven't been mentioned by E yet, but I hope you understand that there are a LOT of loose ends and I'm trying to give them all the recognition they deserve while still trying to get these chapters out to you. If I made them twice as long, you'd have twice as long to wait for an update.**

**We're getting there though! Thank you all for sticking by me :D Leave me a wee review if you so wish :D**

**Otherwise I'll see you on twitter or over on my blog! If you subscribe for e-mail updates you'll never miss a teaser or any news :D**

**Sarah x**


	50. Just A Phone Call Away

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**Hello!? Is there anyone there? I'd be genuinely surprised if even half of you are.**

**Welcome back and thank you for sticking with me. I hope you all got the teaser during the week!**

**We've been here before, in this little situ, and once again I can only apologise. This fic takes a lot out of me to write, and while a lot of other authors are writing better, and worse in shorter times, I am doing my utmost to finish this for you guys.**

**You are ALL amazing, humbling and encouraging and I love you all individually for the patience you've shown me over the last few years.**

**I disclaim.**

* * *

**Chapter 50 – Just a Phone Call Away**

So lately, been wonderin'  
Who will be there to take my place?  
When I'm gone, you'll need love,  
To light the shadows on your face

If a great wave should fall  
It would fall upon us all  
And between the sand and stone  
Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll work out  
The way to make it back someday  
To watch you, to guide you  
Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave should fall  
It would fall upon us all  
Well I hope there's someone out there  
Who can bring me back to you

Cause if I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go

Runaway with my heart  
Runaway with my hope  
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how  
My life and love might still go on  
In your heart and your mind  
I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would  
I'll go wherever you will go  
Way up high or down low  
I'll go wherever you will go

If I could make you mine  
I'll go wherever you will go  
If I could turn back time  
I'll go wherever you will go

_The Calling – Wherever You Will Go_

* * *

**Bella POV: Now**

Things were so different since I'd broken up with Edward. Weeks had gone by, but I'd yet to really sink into my new routine and life without him. We didn't drive to school together, we wouldn't whisper in class when the teacher wasn't paying attention. He wasn't walking me from class to class, holding my hand and making up silly stories about what Lauren and Jessica had spent their weekend doing. At lunch, we no longer sat beside one another but across, with the cheap plastic table acting as a physical barrier between us.

There were no nightly phone calls, no texts, no sneaking into my room in the middle of the night just so he could hold me as we slept. There were no little surprise gifts waiting anywhere, no sweet little notes and certainly no talk of us spending time together.

I was spending more and more time with Rose, with Alice even joining us on occasion. It was them I spent the afternoon filling college applications out with. It was them I went shopping for a graduation outfit with. It was them I spilled my heart to when it was just too tough to carry on in silence.

I got a shock the day I spoke to Edward out in the quad. It was obvious I had completely misconstrued Alice's words – hearing only what I wanted to hear.

"Things are better at home…"

I'd taken it as "Edward is getting better," but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that was definitely not what she'd said. I was hearing things, thinking wishfully that things were getting better, that _he _was getting better.

Both Charlie and my shrink suggested maybe it was because I needed to feel justified in my breaking up with him. I had done it so he could concentrate on getting better, on remembering and being whole again. If Alice had come to me each day and told me what was really going on, I wasn't sure I'd have been able to stay away.

But that was the thing, staying away completely didn't seem like the right thing anymore. How could I justify tearing the one thing that was real away from him while telling him he wouldn't get it back until he was better? He'd always said_ I_ made things better, that being with me was the only thing that made sense.

Of course, that was before he found out I'd been lying to him too, but something in his eyes told me maybe if he had something – even a little something – that it would make his days more bearable.

We could all see it. He was completely withdrawn and exhausted. His skin no longer held the healthy glow it used to, his eyes no longer sparkled and his whole persona was defeated.

I knew enough to realize it was the drugs Kate had him on. Alice told me how he'd refused at first – that he wanted to know he was strong enough to fight it on his own, but sadly, he didn't seem able. Then he wanted off them because he didn't want to be spaced out – something about me speaking to him in class and he hadn't even noticed.

It hurt, and it ached, but I'd rather have known the truth than have been kept in the dark. Alice did her best not to talk about him too much, all of us wanting our girl time to be exactly that.

We'd built bridges of sorts, getting over our differences and petty quarrels from before, and I found I quite enjoyed having both her and Rose around on a daily basis. We were getting closer and stronger as a group over the weeks, and I knew when the time came to move for college, I'd miss them.

Edward's little speech about not knowing where his future lay, and knowing that mine was going in a different direction, was the proverbial straw. It hadn't crossed my mind that Alice wasn't doing the same for him as she was with me with information on each other.

He had no idea what my plans were, how I was, how I was coping with schoolwork or even what I did with myself in the time I now had unoccupied – time, I would have spent with him.

I'd wanted to break down and cry, hug him to me as tightly as I could and tell him that I wasn't going anywhere, that it wasn't important if he didn't go to college right away because I'd be stuck here too. It didn't occur to me that in the weeks we'd been apart, no one had filled him in on my situation.

My mother was in a mental institution getting the help she so desperately needed. I hadn't seen her since the night he'd stormed out of my house. He didn't know that my dreams of going to any college were taken with both of them that same day.

Our savings were gone. I'd applied for scholarships of course, but I wasn't holding my breath. There were so many people out there that needed the help, that were more intelligent or talented than I was, and I didn't begrudge them that. If I had to stay at home, work shitty jobs and save for years, then I would.

Rose had always planned on staying in Forks until she had enough money to open up a garage in Seattle, but with news of Emmett's football scholarship to Florida being a done deal, she decided she wanted to go with him. Of course, daddy Hale was a wealthy man, so Rose didn't need to worry about moving to the other side of the country without any job prospects.

I was excited for her, and I could tell Alice was too, secure in the knowledge that her and Jasper had a year of school left before they had to make their choices about college.

I couldn't help but feel alone and jealous. I was on course to graduate along with the seniors, but I had no prospects of jetting off somewhere like Emmett and Rosalie, and I was lucky if I heard back from the diner after handing in a job application.

I tried to not let it get to me, knowing there was nothing that could be done, knowing that crossing my fingers for a scholarship was the best that I could do, but there were still days it all caught up to me and I couldn't help but feel like the odd one out.

All that changed when Edward told me the truth. I wanted to grab him and never let him go when his scratchy, unused voice reached my ears that day.

"_Things aren't getting better, Bella. Carlisle might want me to go to college, but I know I'm not going to make it. I thought I could get better, for you, but I'm so far under I can't even see the top."_

He wasn't going to college. I wasn't sure if he'd applied or just not bothered at all, but I couldn't bring myself to ask. There was still a possibility that he went, and it only solidified his reasoning that our futures no longer laid side by side.

And it was my fault.

I sat staring at my ceiling, listening to the storm raging outside, whipping the branches of the tree outside my room onto my window. I could hear the rain lashing down on the roof above my head, hearing the seldom splash as a car slowly edged down the road in the low invisibility.

I heard Charlie get in, but I didn't move from where I'd stretched out diagonally on my bed. I listened as he checked the ground floor of the house for any sign of me before he set down his things and made his way up the stairs.

I pretended to be asleep when a light knock sounded at my door. I slowed my breathing and kept my eyes tightly closed as Charlie pushed the door gently open and slipped into my darkened room. I hadn't bothered putting the lights on when the daylight disappeared outside, instead letting the darkness envelope me and cocoon me in silence.

I knew where he'd been, but I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to hear how she was doing, what she was saying, how she was settling in. I didn't want to have yet another conversation with him about not going to see her. I didn't want to justify the dread I felt about seeing her again, about not wanting to visit my own mother when she was clearly unwell. I didn't want to voice the hatred I still harbored over what she'd done.

He sat down on the edge of my bed, causing my body to roll slightly as the mattress dipped, but I kept up my charade. Sighing gently, he brushed the hair from my forehead and leaned down to kiss the cleared area. Tears pricked at my eyes and I prayed none would slip out from under my shut lids and alert him to my non-sleeping state.

We'd barely spoken in the weeks since Edward's return. He'd taken to inviting Jake and Billy around nearly every night of the week, hoping Jake would be able to make me feel better. He did, and I was grateful to my dad for worrying about me, but I just didn't feel like talking about any of it.

Charlie knew Edward and I were no longer together, and that it had been my choice to break up. He knew how Edward was getting on, because I learned he and Carlisle were becoming somewhat closer as friends. Knowing what Carlisle was going through, I was happy that both Charlie and Billy had accepted him into their little group.

I just couldn't bring myself to have to face it every day. The conversations about Renee, about not going to college, about Edward not getting any better, about the ache that increased every hour of every day I was away from him, about my job at the diner in town.

I spoke to Rose on the occasions she physically manhandled it out of me, but apart from then, I kept it all to myself. I wasn't denying any of it was happening, and while I was sort of bottling it up, it wasn't the same as before. I was talking to Charlie, and to Rose, and Jasper, and Jake and Alice, just not about the important life-altering things.

I still held meaningless conversations with my friends. I still spoke to Angela about our upcoming exams, I still studied as hard as I ever had for them, kept on top of my schoolwork, and even did more around the house than I used to, but I didn't want to talk about any of the other stuff.

After weeks of this being apparent, everyone had stopped expecting me to, and had stopped trying to coax it out of me.

They'd also stopped tiptoeing around me, for which I was grateful. The week of Edward's departure, and the week after when he was missing from school, they'd all clammed up on the subject. If his name was accidentally mentioned around me, the whole conversation would freeze until someone shifted it onto a "safer" topic.

It was no longer like that. Edward was front and centre in my mind all day; he sat beside me in class, behind me in others, across from me in English and was a main player in my group of friends. There was no getting away from him, and if I was being truthful, I had never been more thankful for that. I didn't have to pretend to look at something else while actually looking for him in the cafeteria because he was right there and I could stare at him as much as I wanted.

In biology I could admire his arms and his long fingers as they gripped his pen from the corner of my eye, safe in the knowledge that he was right by my side should I unexpectedly need him. I could hear his voice every day, on the good days when he offered up bits of the conversation, and most of all I knew he was always in touching distance should it get inexplicably harder to stay away from him.

I fought that urge the most. Every time I saw him I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and hug him tightly, or fuse my lips to his and forget about the world, or even something as simple as running my fingers through his growing hair or interlocking them with his.

I didn't do any of that, instead I watched him as he came out of his shell more, ate more at lunch and offered up more in class when the teacher actually spoke to him. He might have argued he wasn't getting any better, but as someone who knew him better than anyone, I could see the minute changes occurring before my eyes.

Some days, those changes made the ache in my chest lessen just a fraction. Some days I found I was actually capable of smiling. The best day, was the day I'd followed him out onto the quad and listened as he'd pushed all of his worries and concerns out into the air between us. That day we even managed to joke. That was the day we decided we could try to be friends.

Charlie leaving the room again brought me out of my thoughts, and I listened carefully for him making his way back down into the kitchen. When his steps paused I knew he'd found the pot of soup and the homemade bread I'd left out for him for his dinner. He knew I wasn't ready to talk, but he knew I hadn't disappeared on him again. I was still there, still me. Still hurting, but still fighting just to get through each day.

My phone buzzed quietly from somewhere beside my ear and I rolled over, searching blindly on top of the covers for the little device. The screen lit up as I flipped it open, and everything around me just seemed to pause. I could no longer hear my dad or even the storm.

Edward had sent me a text.

My hands started to tremble as I remembered the last texts I had received from him. Sure enough, they were still there, three separate little bubbles of text one after the other.

_I miss you._

_I love you._

_I'm sorry._

The newest one sat there underneath them, all innocent and innocuous. Just my name with a question mark, as if he wasn't sure that was still my number. Granted, I could have changed it, so maybe he really was that unsure, but something told me he had no idea how else to start up a conversation, and giving the way I'd ended things and avoided him for weeks, I couldn't exactly blame him.

It had been four days since our talk in the quad. I had spent my weekend in Port Angeles with Rose, first on Saturday shopping for a graduation dress, and again on Sunday with Alice too, both of them just spending an obscene amount of money on whatever grabbed their attention.

Alice said she just wanted to get out of the house. I was too chicken to ask her why. Rose never needed a reason to spend money. I was treated to lunch and we even had our nails done in a salon owned by one of Rose's aunts.

Edward hadn't come back to school after the weekend, and I knew it was because he was having a bad day. I hardly saw Alice all day, so I didn't get to act on my new resolution to ask her how he was doing as often as I could.

But he was reaching out. He initiated our "friends" relationship by sending me a seemingly random text, but if he was having a bad day, then it was obvious it meant far more to him than that if he got a reply. My fingers could barely hit the right keys as I replied.

_That's me. Everything okay? B x_

I felt like face-palming myself, but what else could I ask? I knew things weren't okay, but he wouldn't know I cared one way or the other if I didn't ask in the first place.

My phone chimed again mere seconds later.

_Would it be okay if I called you? E_

And then again, signalling the arrival of another one.

_Friends call each other, right? I don't know anymore… E_

Even in his simple texts I could feel his confusion and heartache, and it made the pain in my chest intensify. Instead of thinking about the consequences or texting him an answer, I let my thumb hover over his name before pressing the call button.

It only rang two times before he picked it up.

"Hey," he whispered, his voice hoarse.

My throat completely closed over at the sound of his broken voice and the silence amplified the beating of my heart in my chest.

"Bella?" he asked, concern taking over in his tone, giving me the push I needed to actually answer him.

"Hi…" I sounded pathetic, but I had no idea how unprepared I was for so simple a thing as a phone call until it was happening.

His answering sigh let me know that even my pathetic greeting was enough. It helped ease the pain slightly, knowing that even the sound of my voice seemed to make whatever he was going through even a little more bearable.

"You're not busy are you?"

I held back the laugh that wanted to bubble out of me. Since I'd cut him out of my life, I'd barely been able to fill up the hours in my day.

"Oh, you know. Lying in the dark contemplating life…" I wanted to face-palm so badly, but held it back and bit my tongue. I wasn't quite sure how Edward would take such a strange answer.

When there was no answer, I whispered his name into the darkness, relishing the way my skin tingled and my mouth dried up at the mere mention of his name after so long.

"Tell me," I whispered, no longer afraid to hear just exactly what he was going through. If either of us was going to make it out the other side, we'd need to be strong enough to face things head on.

"Every time I close my eyes I have a nightmare. It's usually the same one…my crash, only you're in the car, too, and no matter what I do, I can't get you out in time. I can't close my eyes without hearing you screaming, I can't sleep without waking up screaming myself. Kate says I need to feel it, but there's only so many times I can handle the thought of you dying only to wake up and realize it didn't happen, Bella."

Tears were streaming down my face, but I silently wiped them away, not wanting to alert him to how much his pain hurt me too.

"I'm right here, Edward. I didn't die, and I don't plan on it either."

"I know that, Bella, but waking up and realizing I don't have you anyway is just as painful."

My heart clenched in my chest and my breath caught in my throat.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, I don't want to make you feel sad or guilty or anything, I promise I wouldn't do that to you again."

_Again_. The word hung in the air in front of me, but I knew that he wasn't ready to talk about the night he walked out on me, about everything he learned and realized.

"I want you to call me. Every time you go to bed, or every time you wake up and I'm not there, Edward, I want you to pick up the phone and dial my number. I'll answer it, always, if it's the only way I can help you through this, I'll do it."

"Bella…" he sighed and I could hear the same emotions weaving through his voice as I used to when we were together. It made my heart clench again.

"Will you be in school tomorrow?"

"I don't know. I have to take each day as it comes now, Bella. Things might be better in the morning, but they could be worse."

"What _is _worse?" I asked, needing to know what he was going through.

"Some mornings I can't get out of bed. Like, I physically can't get my body to move. Sometimes I can't hear over the rushing in my ears, sometimes I can't see properly, imagining that a non-existent darkness is closing over me, taking everything away from me. Sometimes Kate tells me of things I can't remember doing. I threw Emmett's cell through a vase in the hall yesterday, I don't remember it at all."

I closed my eyes and let the tears fall, not being able to imagine just how much he was suffering despite him describing the least of it. He'd told me as much that day in the quad, about why he was on medication and why he didn't want to be, but as I lay in the darkness myself, his words seemed to finally hit home. He was supposed to be getting better, but I didn't understand why he seemed to be getting worse.

"Kate says it was lying dormant, that because I ran away and hid from it all the first time, it's manifested itself into full-blown depression. I didn't understand it either, Bella, but she is trying to help me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"I know. No one has ever asked me what it feels like before…except Kate. Thank you for caring enough."

"They all care, Edward, they're probably just afraid to make you go through it all over and over," I answered him, feeling the need to stick up for his family.

"Can we talk about you?"

"Oh…well…" I stumbled over my words, not expecting the change in conversation, nor knowing what to say that would be the least bit interesting.

"Anything, Bella, I just want to hear your voice," came his soft answer, making my heart squeeze uncomfortably in my chest once again.

"I…I got my full time shifts from the diner today…they've got me working 3 days and 3 nights a week with Saturdays off…I guess that's not too bad. It'll be okay over summer, with everyone still here…but I guess it'll be pretty quiet when everyone leaves at the start of next term…"

Rachel, the manageress at the diner had told me earlier that day that she would try and keep me on even after the summer when it would be quieter, so I wasn't too concerned with having to look for another job.

"I might just see how the summer goes. I can always look for something else in September…"

"Wait…" Edward interrupted my rambling. "Why would you still be working here in September anyway? Even from Seattle, it's a four hour drive just to come back for a weekend job, Bella, you shouldn't put yourself through that. You might want your free time for something else…"

I clamped my lip between my teeth and gulped as quietly as I could. Edward didn't know I wasn't going off to college. He had no idea about anything that was happening in my life and I'd just walked us right into it with a seemingly safe topic.

"Bella…" his voice was firmer now, needing an answer.

"I…Edward I'm not going to college…"

"What…no…you…you said you were going to graduate early! Bella you have to…you can't throw your life away by staying here…"

"I don't have much of a choice, Edward," I replied tiredly.

"Bella, you're the smartest girl I know…any college would snap you up in a second, please, you can't stay here…"

"What, because you are?" I asked angrily, annoyed that perhaps he thought I was staying because of him.

"Bella, this isn't about me. I mean, it's not about me, right?"

I rolled my eyes, of course he wasn't thinking of himself before I mentioned it.

"No, Edward, as far as I knew, you were still going to college until you told me you might not…"

"Then…why? I can't bear the thought of you not living your life, Bella…"

"I can't afford it, Edward, okay? Not all of us have millions in a trust fund! We don't all have rich father's that send us an obscene amount of money on our birthday's every year or a super intelligent doctor dad who works every day of his life to do the best by his three kids!"

I took a deep breath and realized what I'd said, cursing myself for letting my thoughts run away with me.

"Edward, I'm sorry, I…"

"I…I don't understand."

"I'm sorry I said all that, please, I was angry."

"Kate wants me to get a handle on everything before we start going over the things I forgot…I'm sorry, Bella."

"No. What the hell are you apologizing for? God, Edward, just ignore me, please."

"Trust me, I've come to learn that that is impossible," he murmured so lowly I was sure he didn't mean for me to hear it.

"I don't understand though, didn't you always want to go to college? Your dad even mentioned it; he wouldn't have done that if he couldn't afford to send you...what happened?"

"I don't…please; I don't want to talk about it."

But of course, that wasn't enough. He was focusing on me now, probably to try and forget about how he was feeling, and he knew me better than anyone.

"Bella, what happened?" he almost demanded.

"Renee…she's in a long term psychiatric unit on the edge of the state. Probably the best our money could afford her. Charlie had to choose between getting his wife back and sending his daughter to college. If it had been you, I would have made the same decision. The money is gone, Edward," I answered in a monotone voice, not really feeling the words I was saying.

The silence on the other end of the line caused the emotions I was trying to suppress to bubble up. A single hiccup escaped before I could control it, and the dam burst. I could hear Edward's voice on the other end telling me I was okay, that everything would work out, that Charlie loved me more than anything and that it must have been the hardest decision he'd ever made.

I knew all that, but it didn't make it any harder to come to terms with.

"My mother is insane, Edward. What does that say about me? What if I turn out like her? What if I can never work my way out of this back-end town and get stuck like she did? What if I turn out like Charlie? Alone and barely living from day-to-day?"

My voice was becoming hysterical, and at the back of my mind I thought about hanging up, that offloading all of this onto Edward of all people was a bad idea. I felt ashamed for breaking down when I knew he was going through much worse.

"None of that is going to happen, Bella. I promise."

"You don't know that."

"Yes. I do. You are the smartest, strongest, kindest and hardest working girl I've ever met. I know that if you have to work four jobs a week just to make it, you will. I know that you'll go to college and live the life you've always wanted to, and I know that you'll never accept help even if you might need it because I know how stubborn you are."

I giggled lightly, thanking him for helping me overcome my hysterics.

"I also know that you'll never be alone, Bella. It's impossible not to love you, trust me."

A whimper escaped my mouth before I clamped my lips together.

"Tell me you believe me, Bella. You'll never be any of those things."

"I believe you."

And just like that, my chest felt lighter.

"I'm sorry about your mom, Bella. She's still in there somewhere. I have to believe that, too, because if she's not, then there's no hope for me either."

"Edward…I know you're in there, you're talking to me right now. Nothing is stronger than your will to get better, you're fighting it will only make you stronger."

"Isn't that a Kelly Clarkson song?" he asked with slight humour lacing his tone.

"No, that's 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'" I laughed back.

There was silence except for our breathing until I spoke again.

"If you remember that I know you're in there, that I can recognise that you're still here, then maybe you'll remember that you can do this. You've just spent the last twenty minutes assuring me of all the things I'm capable of, if it takes me twenty years to return the favour, I'll do it."

"Friends?" he asked quietly.

"Friends." I reiterated.

We spent the rest of the night talking about the weather, the news, and even Emmett's tux for Prom. I thought it was all relatively safe until Edward went quiet again, and without asking him I knew what was bothering him. If we'd still been together, and if he was well, he'd have been going to prom, and I'd have been going with him. I wanted to tell him that there'd be other opportunities for us to dance together with our friends, but the words lodged themselves in my throat, as if telling me they were a lie.

Instead I changed the subject and I rambled until the sound of his soft breathing filtered down the line to me. I changed into my pyjamas and crawled into bed with the phone still lying beside me on the pillow, Edward sleeping on the other end.

He didn't have a nightmare that night, and when I pulled my truck into the school parking-lot, Edward's car was parked under the trees, and he was leaning against the trunk with his legs crossed in front of him and his sunglasses shielding his eyes.

I smiled to myself when I saw him, and I was sure he nodded in my direction, as if we both knew that maybe our conversation the night before had managed to get us both out of bed with renewed conviction that morning.

I could feel him watching me all the way until the bell sounded as Angela chatted my ear off about her weekend with Ben. I could have even sworn that he smiled faintly when his brother clapped him on the back and said something into his ear. The blush that flamed over my face when I caught Emmett's eye told me it was something about me.

If it had Edward trying to smile, I told myself I didn't care.

That day at lunch, Edward spoke for the first time in weeks, and while the whole table sat in almost shock, I covered up the silence myself, receiving a grateful look from Edward.

I decided then and there, that in the remaining time we had left of school, I'd try my hardest to get Edward back to the boy I loved, and that our friends were all going to help too.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**I didn't reply to anyone's reviews to the last chapter, and I apologise for that, I am completely out of touch with the fanfic world when I'm at uni. I am at home relaxing for a few weeks, though, so I promise to try and get back to everyone this time around! Just remember to sign in if you want a reply!**

**Please review, let me know that you're still out there!**

**Thank you again, and I WILL see you soon **

**xx**


	51. Shake It Out

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

**To the person who left me an incredibly rude "anonymous" review in February, my only advice to you is, stop reading. To be perfectly honest I don't want people like you reading anyway, because you clearly don't appreciate anything.**

**I'm not here to write on your demand or for your pleasure. I write fanfic because I enjoy it, and I enjoy hearing from people who appreciate what I put out there, not for you to tear me down. Everyone here understands that they need to wait a long time between chapters during term time, and that when I can, I'll get them out as quickly as possible. I know a lot of you don't like it, and to be honest, I don't either, because it takes me out of touch with you all.**

**I'm 20 years old and living away from home at university, it's safe to say there are a lot of things that are far more important than writing fanfic.**

**I have always said I will finish this story, and I will. I don't believe in bringing you all this far and not following through. And we all know that you sent me it anonymously so that I wouldn't have a chance to defend myself, nice move.**

**However, you are only one person, to everyone else, welcome back and thank you for sticking with me. I am genuinely humbled by your responses and your honesty & I try my best to take your concerns into consideration whilst still keeping to my own idea :)**

**I hope you all got the teaser during the week!**

******I hope I managed to get back to everyone who reviewed, if not, then check that your PMs aren't disabled and I should get back to you next time! :)**

**********Last time Bella and Edward had a very important conversation over the phone that brought them both to a place much calmer than they've been. Who thinks they can be friends like they planned?**

**************I disclaim.**

* * *

**Chapter 51: Shake It Out**

Regrets collect like old friends  
Here to

relive your darkest moments  
I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play  
And every demon wants his pound of flesh  
But I like to keep some things to myself  
I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind  
I can never leave the past behind  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound  
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground  
So I like to keep my issues drawn  
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart  
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart  
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
And given half the chance would I take any of it back?  
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone  
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't  
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road  
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope  
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat  
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me  
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Well, what the hell,  
I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa  
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh whoa

_Shake it Out – Florence and the Machine_

EPOV:

The days were bleeding into one another, but I was no longer watching them pass me by from the darkness of my room, or my spot on the sofa.

I was back at school, and while my headaches had me scowling my way through every class, and my workload making my heartbeat race, it was better than being at home.

I wasn't alone; I had the option to talk to someone other than Kate if the desire should take me. I should add that it very rarely did, but it was sort of nice to have the choice.

Kate was still living with us, and she'd sort of become one of the family without even really trying. She made us breakfast, helped Alice with the designs she did in her spare time, and more than once I'd found her and dad sat out on the patio with a glass of wine in hand and hushed voices as they talked about whatever it was they actually did talk about.

I felt slightly jealous the first time. She was supposed to be there to help me, not joke with Emmett, sing along to the radio with Alice, and console my father over alcohol, but when I opened my eyes – after Bella had told me I needed to – I could see that she was helping my entire family.

She was bringing us together, talking to us all, getting us all to see the cracks and the problems, and helping us all deal with them. After that, I saw her as a sort of angel in disguise. She was pretty, kind, compassionate, intelligent and even funny, if she could help my dad get back everything he'd lost in himself, then I'd willingly give up my time with her to make it happen.

I hadn't spoken to Bella since our conversation on the phone, but not through lack of trying on her part. She'd watch me during lunch and her eyes almost begged me to speak up again like I had that one day, but something always caught in the back of my throat and I'd just look back down at the table-top in silence.

It was stupid, but it was like I couldn't make my tongue move. I'd asked Kate about it, why it was so easy to talk to her, but almost impossible in front of my friends. She'd said it was because I was too worried about what they thought of me and what they would think of me following whatever lame thing I said. Kate didn't call it lame, I just knew that if I ever did speak up, it would be completely pointless to their conversation because I barely knew what was going on around me most of the time.

It was better than it was, but I'd still find myself jolted by the sounding of the bell at the end of the class, and realize I'd missed almost half of what the teacher had been saying. None of them ever asked me to speak up or answer in class, but I could tell by their faces that they weren't happy with my less than stellar grades and contribution.

I'd gone from straight As, even after everything the summer before, to Bs and Cs. A Cullen never got Bs and Cs.

I should have been a senior, and there I was barely passing my junior year. It was frustrating to say the least.

I heard Emmett coming through the front door from my spot in the kitchen and ran some cold water into the glass I'd been holding absentmindedly.

The door had been taken off its frame, meaning the living room and hall could be seen from the kitchen island and vice versa. It wasn't my idea, I'd barely even noticed it, but when I'd come down from being in my bedroom for nearly three days during one of my bad periods, it was gone.

I guess I could understand why if it had been my dad's idea, but it was just another thing none of us had talked about. Was he feeling guilty for me finding out about my real dad the way I had? Had he blamed the door for not knowing I could hear every word of their argument that night?

I was facing my medication when Emmett walked in and straight over to the mountain of muffins on the side and I chuckled as I watched him put four on a plate.

It wouldn't have surprised me for him to eat them all himself, it did, however, surprise me to see Rosalie, Angela and Ben follow him into the kitchen.

"Hey, Edward," Rosalie greeted me softly, her eyes flitting to the boxes on the counter in front of me before resting on the fridge behind me.

I felt uncomfortable with them all there, but I could hardly tell them that. I didn't like taking my meds in front of my brother, never mind his – our – friends.

I nodded at her before focusing back on the boxes, taking one pill out of four of them and two out of the fifth. I tried to ignore the fact that there was suddenly a huge elephant in the room, and that the tension was rising, but it was easier said than done.

I shoved the six pills in my pocket before hastily scooping up all the boxes and shoving them in the cupboard they now lived in. Without another word I walked out of the room and made my way to the stairs.

"E, wait!" I cringed at Emmett's voice, wondering why he was suddenly calling me E when Bella had been the only one to ever do it before.

I narrowed my eyes at him before I realized the thought of anything happening between the two of them was ridiculous, but Emmett saw it all as he slowed to a stop in front of me.

We all knew I was crazy.

"I'm sorry man, I had no idea. I didn't even see them…the muffins kind of caught my attention…" He smiled sheepishly and I talked myself through Kate's steps in my head.

Breathe in. Remember he is on your side. Breathe again and relax.

I nodded at him as Rose wandered into the living room, her hands wringing in front of her.

"We were thinking of a movie night, if you want to join us?" she asked quietly, as if afraid of my answer.

"I don't really want to go out," I answered, registering the shock on her face, realizing I hadn't spoken to her in what felt like months.

She covered it quickly before replying. "No, here. Just a few DVDs, some junk food, a fort of pillows on the floor…" She giggled lightly no doubt at the image in her head as she waved her hand towards the entertainment room downstairs.

"A pillow fort! Why didn't I think of that?" Emmett shouted enthusiastically and I smiled faintly at his childish pleasures.

"I…no, I…thanks anyway though, yeah…" I gestured up the stairs with my thumb, turning on my heel to get out of their way, but not before seeing Rose's face fall, as if she was genuinely disappointed I wouldn't be there. It wasn't like we were even that close, she wouldn't miss my presence that much.

"Oh, okay, well, if you change your mind you know where we are," she called after me as I ascended the stairs.

"We tried, babe. That's all we can do."

I heard Emmett reassure her before I listened to all four sets of footsteps descend the stairs to the TV room in the basement that Emmett begged for when we first moved in.

I felt strange as I entered my bedroom and closed the door over, leaving it ajar so I could listen for Kate and my dad getting back.

It was a Saturday evening, Emmett had been at football practice all day, Alice was round at Jasper's and Kate and my dad had taken the car to Port Angeles to check out the markets. They'd left not long after my session with her after breakfast, and they'd probably be gone for a while more.

I flopped down on my bed and realized that I was disappointed. It took me a while to figure out it was because all of our friends were here – apart from Alice and Jasper who were busy – but Bella wasn't. Where was she? What was she spending her Saturday doing?

She'd told me to call her every night before I went to sleep, or when I woke up from a nightmare, but over the last week, I hadn't. I'd had nightmares, I doubted those would ever stop, but I couldn't bring myself to press the call button. I didn't want to be more of a burden on her, knowing now what she was going through.

I knew, deep down, that she wouldn't have suggested it if she didn't mean it, that she cared enough to go out of her way to help, but I couldn't willingly put more on her shoulders. I wanted to be as strong as she was. She was fighting her demons, dealing with her past and her crumbling future and standing as tall as she ever did.

I was a shattered mess compared to her and I didn't like the way it made me feel.

I needed to talk to Kate, but more than that, I needed to talk to my dad.

If there was anything I could do to help her, I would, whether she'd want it or not.

I couldn't stand by and see her suffer.

My head hurt, and so did my chest when I thought about it.

My arm was bent at a strange angle and my foot was frozen.

It took me a while to realize I'd fallen asleep on my bed, in a fucking uncomfortable position, and even longer to realize that something – or someone – was touching me.

It was feather-light; a whisper across my forehead and around my hairline.

I didn't want it to end, it was soothing and peaceful and all sorts of things I hadn't felt in too long.

I shifted my head, hoping to bring myself closer to the source, but instead it stopped completely and I had to open my eyes to check if I had imagined the whole thing.

Instead, my eyes were greeted with a brunette, brown-eyed girl sitting on the edge of my bed, her hand hovering over my cheek.

It had been two days since I'd last seen her. I hadn't made it to school the day before having had a particularly bad night, but it felt like a lifetime since I'd laid eyes on her. Her face was clear of make-up, the circles under her eyes were clear and pronounced, and her hair was scraped back into a messy bun – something I knew she didn't think she suited – telling me she wasn't having a great day herself.

My gaze floated to her hand, so close to where I wanted it, and then back to her eyes, hoping she'd understand and grant my wish.

I closed my eyes momentarily in a mix of happiness and relief when her fingers touched my cheek and trailed their familiar path from my eye to my jaw.

I remembered the first time I'd done it to her. We were in New York, I'd taken her for a walk through Central Park, and the sun had hit her through the trees, projecting a sunbeam from her left eye down to her lips. I'd only followed it with my fingers, but when my eyes had met hers, I'd found more in their depths than I ever had before.

I thought, remembering back, that was the first moment I knew I was in love with her. I'd never felt that full before, or so happy, and I remember rationalising that it couldn't be anything else. I was in love.

I'd traced that path numerous times after that before she'd left to go home, and I realized I'd done it when I met her again at the beginning of the year, as if my subconscious knew exactly what was happening even if my brain didn't.

"It was a sunbeam," I said absently and her touch disappeared again. I opened my eyes to find her confused gaze looking down at me.

"The first time I did that to you in the park. It was a sunbeam filtering through the trees. I remember seeing it and wishing I had my sketchbook with me so I could capture how you looked. Instead, I touched it, but you had no idea what I was doing because you couldn't see it."

Surprise filtered across her face and her hand fell to her lap.

"You remember that?" she asked quietly, as if maybe someone had just told me. But how could they, we were the only ones there. Her doubt of everything ran so deep I wondered if she'd ever overcome it.

"Yeah, just now. That was the first moment I knew I loved you…"

She gasped, and I thought maybe I'd overstepped a line, but she bit her lip and tried to hide a smile.

"You kissed me for so long that it distracted me from asking why you'd done it. I guess I just didn't question it after that," she answered. "Wait…we'd only known each other a week by then…"

I shrugged, not embarrassed but sheepish that maybe she'd think it strange.

"Didn't matter…still doesn't…"

I turned and stretched, worried by her prolonged silence, wishing I knew what was going through her head.

"Do you really believe that?" she asked, as quietly as before. Her eyes were fixed on the headboard of my bed, and I thought on her question.

"What, that it doesn't matter?" I asked, confusing myself with the change in direction in our conversation.

She nodded. "That we'd only known each other a week. That you barely know me now?"

I watched as she gulped – swallowing down an imaginary lump in her throat – and my eyes widened.

Instead of the myriad of things racing through my brain, I sat up straighter and asked, "Is that what _you_ believe?"

It was her turn to shrug her shoulders, and I sagged, not really knowing how to answer or reassure her. A month ago I wouldn't have doubted myself, would have been able to tell her how I really felt with no fear or pressure, but now, I wasn't so sure what I wanted to say would be what she wanted to hear.

In such a short period of time, we'd become two completely different people. Whether that was for the better or not was a different matter altogether.

"I…" I started, but didn't know what to say, Bella's head snapping back in my direction distracting me. She looked…hopeful.

"I want to say that I do. Or I did. I've fallen in love with you twice, Bella, how can you think I _don't _know you?"

A small smile played at her lips as she found my hand with hers, slotting her fingers into the spaces between mine.

"I know I forgot everything, and I know I can't excuse what I did, or how I acted, nor can I ever apologize enough for everything you've been through because of me, but somewhere deep down inside, I know you.

"I know how you look when you wake up. I know what food you like the most and that you'd eat ice-cream all day everyday if you could. I know that like me, your relationship with your parents was strained, but that you love them more than anything. I know how you feel in my arms, what colour your hair is when the sun hits it, and how red your nose gets when it's cold.

"I know you're one of the strongest, kindest and giving people I've ever met…and I know there's more to you than that, but I'd literally be here all night…"

For some reason my hand was shaking, and I wasn't sure whether it was me or Bella that was trembling.

Those three little words wanted nothing more than to roll of my tongue like they had so many times before, but I knew it wasn't the time.

We'd only just got into the groove of being friends, complicating it was the last thing we needed.

I still needed to address a million issues, with myself, and concerning the both of us, before I went to Bella with the explanations and apologies she needed, and it struck me that she must have truly been strong to be my friend whilst waiting around for the discussions we needed to have.

I edged forward, as if I was approaching a terrified animal, swinging my legs off the side of my bed so as to bring me closer to Bella.

She seemed slightly unresponsive, but her eyes never left mine, giving me hope that I hadn't overstepped any invisible lines. Her eyes widened as I leant closer, and I wondered if she thought I was going to kiss her. Then I wondered what that thought would be. Would she be terrified that I was going to ruin everything, or as desperate as I was to feel that connection again?

Not wanting to risk it, I wound my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into me. My whole body deflated with the relief of feeling her small body moulded to the side of mine, her head tucked under my chin as she gently rested her cheek on my collarbone.

My eyes flicked to the door and saw Kate pause at the top of the stairs as she saw my company. A small smile passed across her face before she nodded, turned and headed quietly back down the way she'd come.

Bella's hand brushed across my stomach and settled on my hip as she hugged herself to me tighter.

It didn't occur to me until that moment, that maybe she needed this as much, if not more, than I did. Her mother had been taken away from her, but not before shattering her world. Her tuition was gone, along with it any hopes of escaping Forks and starting a new life somewhere else and she'd watched as I self-destructed all at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I murmured into her hair. "I'm so sorry."

She squeezed tighter, not making a sound apart from her staggered breathing as she tried to keep whatever emotion she was feeling to herself.

Several moments passed as I listened to her calm her breathing before she spoke up.

"Why didn't you join everyone downstairs?" she asked, reminding me that our friends were I fact in the basement and that it was still the same night.

"I…I didn't feel up to it. I'm not sure I'm ready for all that again…"

"Why?" she asked softly, pulling back from me to look into my eyes.

"The normalcy, the laughter, the jokes? All the while avoiding the massive bright pink elephant in the room?" I raised my eyebrows as if to say 'duh' and delighted in the small giggle that left her lips.

"Fair enough," she whispered.

"You go," I encouraged, taking hope from the disappointment that flitted across her features. "I need to talk to my dad and Kate," I continued. Bella nodded and stood up, her hands wringing in front of her as if she didn't know what to do.

"I'll see you soon?" she asked, and I hated the doubt in her voice.

"I'll make Emmett my personal alarm clock on Monday to get me out of bed and into school."

She giggled again and I luxuriated in the sound. I'd once made it my mission to make her laugh, in fact, I'd promised it. At some point, I'd forgotten those too.

With one last smile she left my room and padded down the stairs. I gave her a few minutes to make it to the basement before leaving the confines of my room and following her down to the first floor of the house.

Kate and Carlisle were both in his office, laughing about something quietly between them. I knocked on the slightly ajar door and smiled as Carlisle waved me in. They both seemed to be in particularly good moods and I wondered if I was imagining things when I saw the changing relationship between them.

"Did you have fun?" I asked, not really knowing what else to say.

"Kate tried to buy me a hideous jumper that even my grandfather wouldn't be caught dead in, and she's a little annoyed she didn't succeed." Carlisle laughed and I felt myself smiling as the two of them looked at each other and then at me.

I remembered that feeling. Catching the eye of the person you were falling for and wondering if they were thinking and feeling the same thing; the increase in heart rate when you thought of just blurting it out there and going for it.

It surprised me that I felt happy for them, without a hint of jealousy or guilt or worry. After all he'd been through; Carlisle deserved it more than anyone. More than me, that was for sure.

Carlisle broke the silence when it became obvious I wasn't offering up any more pleasantries. "What can I do for you, son?"

"I'll leave you two to it," Kate made to leave but I stopped her.

"No, can you stay?"

She nodded, intrigued as she caught the gaze of my father. Both of them sat down, but I stayed standing, feeling like it might help me feel more in control.

"Edward?" Carlisle's voice jarred me back into the present, spinning me from the spot I'd stopped in to stare out of the large windows.

"I need your help. I also need you to be honest with me, and I also want you to hear me out before telling me how ridiculous I'm being."

"Okay…" he trailed off, looking at Kate for some sort of help. She only nodded and fixed her gaze back on me.

"I know you gave me that envelope on Edward Senior before I left for New York, and I know you probably don't even want to hear the guy's name, but I want to know about the money."

"Edward…" Carlisle looked stricken, and I remembered the look in his eyes when he found me in the hospital in Seattle, knowing I'd been in the bank, knowing I'd been planning to run to New York again.

"No….I'm not running. I don't want it for me. I don't even know how much there is, I don't think I even care at the moment, but I need you to do something for me…

"Have you spoken to Charlie recently?" I asked, slightly changing direction.

Carlisle nodded sadly. "I was the one who helped with Renee's transfer."

I stared at him. Of course he was, he was their friend and their doctor. Why hadn't that dawned on me before.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked instead.

"Edward, you had plenty on your plate, you still do. I know Bella means a lot to you, but you need to focus on you. Other people's problems aren't going to make your own go away."

I dragged in a breath and Carlisle started to look somewhat apologetic.

"First, Bella doesn't mean a lot to me, she means _everything_ to me. Her mother was put in a mental institution and her future taken away from her to pay for it and you didn't think I should know?"

My voice was rising and I battled to keep it calm, knowing that there were more people in our house.

I looked to Kate as I calmed down and saw something in her eye that let me know that maybe she understood where I was going.

"I get it, I do, and I know now. I want to help, no, I _need_ to help. She doesn't deserve to be stuck in this town when she so desperately doesn't want to be.

"I'm not saying she's not capable of getting into with a scholarship, because I know how brilliant she is, but I don't want it to come down to her maybe not getting in. I have more money than I know what to do with, sitting in an account that's never been looked at, and she needs it."

"Edward, I'm not sure what you expect us to do? Charlie and Bella are hardly going to accept a pay-out, no one would."

"I know that, but she has to go to college, she's had her heart set on it for years." I took a deep breath and turned to face the window again, collecting my thoughts and figuring out what I wanted to say.

"I want you to help me set up a scholarship fund. It can be in our name or someone else's, I don't care, but I want Bella to have it. I don't know how that would work, or if college's would accept it, but she is going. You can offer the college's that she's applied to a fund to cover her fee's, and whichever one's accept can send her an acceptance letter, that way she can still choose where she wants to go.

"I don't know, would that even work?" I asked, spinning round to look at me father. He had a look of pride mixed with concentration on his face and I knew I had him on board.

"I'll phone the dean at Chicago, he's an old friend, and ask him how these things would work. Edward are you sure you want to do this? Bella might not accept it."

"Bella isn't going to find out. She can't know it's from me. She just needs to be given the opportunity to go and do what she's always wanted to do. She's graduating this year, if that's not a sign that she's completely brilliant, I don't know what is."

"She is an intelligent young girl, any college would be lucky to have her. I'll make my enquiries tomorrow morning."

"Thank you," I answered softly.

I smiled and sighed in relief. If it was the only thing I could do for her, I'd do it. It might mean saying goodbye to her, but I'd do it.

"Edward…" Kate started, but I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it.

"I know. I know what it means, but just because I'll be stuck here doesn't mean she should be too. I want her to live her life the way she wanted to long before she met me. Columbia and NYU were her favourites, but I'm not sure if that's changed, I'll need to ask Angela where she applied."

Before I realized what was happening, Kate had stood, made her way over to me and engulfed me in a hug. It surprised me, but after a few moments I sank into her warmth and hugged her back before pulling away.

"I'm proud of you," she murmured, just low enough for me to hear as I made eye contact with my dad.

For some reason her words had more impact than any had before. I felt like I deserved it, that I was finally doing something the old Edward would have done, that maybe he wasn't as lost as we all thought he was.

There was no doubt in my mind that it was all down to her, and as I watched Carlisle smile softly at her, I thanked God for sending her to us, and hoped that maybe she try and fix us all.

* * *

**Author's Chapter End Notes:**

**Soooo, let me know what you think? Hit that little review button at the bottom :)**

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